01x03 - A Mugging Story

[bunniefuu]

- Papa, l want to play hide-and-seek.
- Okay.

- You hide first.
- Okay, so hide your eyes--

You hide in the closet.

l'm not gonna tell you
where l'm hiding.

No, hide in the closet, Papa.

But then you'll know where--

No! Hide in the closet!

l'll hide in the closet.
Jesus Christ.

One, two, three,

five, 10.

Oh, Papa, where are you?

Papa...?

l found you. l win!

Yeah, wow. How did you figure out
where you told me to hide?

- That's amazing.
- Okay, now l hide.

Okay, go ahead.

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight,

nine, 10.

Okay, l'm gonna find... you.

l wonder where Lucy is.

Oh, where could she be?

Lucy?

- What are you doing?
- l'm looking for Lucy.

We're playing hide-and-seek,
but l have no idea where she is.

Oh, well why don't you
look under the table?

All right, let's see.

- Nope.
- Hmm.

Well, why don't you look
in the cupboard?

All right, l'll look
in the cupboard.

Why would she be
up there?

Obviously l mean
the one under the sink.

Louie, that has shelves in it.
She wouldn't fit.

She could tuck herself in there.

No, she's not
four inches tall.

- What? She could fit in there.
- She wouldn't fit.

- Look in the other cupboard!
- Wait a minute!

We're actually fighting
about where to look for this kid

who's standing here
in plain sight.

No, l was hiding!

Oh, l didn't see you.

What? She sucks at hide-and-seek.

''Lucky Louie'' was taped
before a live audience.

Hey, thanks for letting me
use your shower.

lt's all right, Jerry.
lt just can't happen every day.

No no, it's just today.
l've got some meat in the tub.

Okay, well that's fine.

- See you later.
- All right.

You're never gonna believe
what just happened to me.

You're not gonna
believe what just happened to me.

- l was mugged!
- Oh my God, are you okay?!

Yeah, l'm okay. l'm fine!

Son of a b*tch. Who gets mugged
at 2:00 in the afternoon?!

- What happened?
- Well...

l was a couple blocks away
from the hospital,

and this guy jumps out
from behind this van!

- sh*t!
- lt all happened so fast.

This 16-year-old crackhead
comes at me.

l screamed.
He grabbed my purse.

- l held on!
- You held on? What, are you crazy?

- You let go.
- f*ck him!

l'm not gonna let him
take my bag.

Anyway, he's pulling
on it really hard

and l'm pulling back.
We're in this tug of w*r.

We're eyeball to eyeball!

And he's yelling right at me,
''Let go of the bag, b*tch!''

And l'm yelling right back at him, ''f*ck
you! lt's mine, you dirty crackhead!''

You did everything wrong!

He could have k*lled you!

He was just a punk kid
trying to pull a snatch 'n' run.

Even if he was a kid,
it doesn't mean he's not dangerous.

Kids that do that, they--
they're desperate.

They're poor.
They have nothing, so they steal.

Who gives a sh*t
if he's poor?

- Look at this giant bruise!
- Oh my God!

You said you were okay.
When did that happen?

During the kick fight.

The little b*stard,
he got me in the thigh,

but l nailed both
of his kneecaps.

Jeez. What, are you crazy?

lt was this raw battle of wills,

neither of us willing to lose,
to let go of the bag.

lt was a duel!

Until the strap broke

and the crackhead
got my purse.

Well, who cares
about your purse?

Just thank God you're okay
and it's over.

lt's not over.

'Cause l got
the punk's wallet.

- You got his wallet?
- Yeah, it dropped out of the back

of his idiotic
oversized pants!

l'm gonna find where he lives
and get my sh*t back.

What are you talking about?

Check this out:
school l.D.:

Jason Plumbley,


Duh. l'm coming
for you, asswipe.

Wait-- wait a minute.

You're not coming
for anybody.

That's not how
you handle this.

l'm gonna call the police.
Just settle down, you lunatic.

You were a victim today.
Start acting like one.

Cry or something. sh*t.

- City desk.
- Hi, l need to report a mugging.

My wife was just mugged.

She's all right,
but it was this kid, he took her purse.

- Did he have a weapon?
- Did he have a weapon?

No, but tell him
about the duel.

No, no weapon.

How much money
was stolen?

- How much money did he get?
- Uh, about three bucks.

What happened to the $40
you took out of the machine yesterday?

Well, l owed Tina $10
and l bought some stuff.

What difference does it make?
He just would have gotten more!

- Roughly $3.
- Uh-huh.

So...

Well, sir, you're entitled
to come down to the station

and fill out a report
and we'll file it.

Aw, you're not gonna
do sh*t, are you?

You're entitled to come
down to the station

and fill out a report.

Could you at least just say,
''No, we're not gonna do anything''?

- These calls are recorded, sir.
- Yeah, all right.

Gimme that.

Got his number right here.

Hello?

Hello, crackhead!

What?!
Who is this?

l want my purse back, crackhead!

ls this b*tch?

You better give me back
my wallet or l'll mess you up.

l want my bag back, jackass.

l had over 100 bucks
worth of makeup in there.

Yeah, you need so much makeup
'cause you one ugly b*tch!

Jason, who is that
you're talking to like that?!

Hello?

This is Jason's grandmother.
Who is this?

Uh, hi. l'm Kim.

Jason and l met earlier today

- when he mugged me.
- What?

What'd l tell you
about mugging people?!

You come right over
to get your belongings, sweetie.

Okay. Thanks.

Um, oh! Could you please
give me directions to your house?

Oh, l'm no good
with my lefts and my rights.

Help the lady.

Yeah?!

l'm coming
from the south side.

How do l get to your house, as*h*le?

Take your fat a*s
down Parking Street to East Center.

ls that the left before
the cemetery, f*ck?

No, you dumb b*tch!
lt's way past that.

You know,
where 7-Eleven is at.

Uh, where they put in
the new traffic lights?

Yeah, used to be a Hardee's.

Yeah, when did they
change that over?

Uh, beginning
of the summer.

Okay, l'm coming, crackhead!

l'll be waiting, b*tch!

We're not going over there.

We're going over there.

lf it gets ugly, l'll get the kid,
you take Grandma.

Hi. We called earlier
about the mugging.

Oh, of course.
Come on in.

Why don't you sit down?

l defrosted a lemon ring.

Yeah, maybe we could
just get her stuff.

Of course. Jason, get up
and get the lady her purse!

- Okay, Jeez.
- l'm very sorry.

l don't know what's
wrong with this one.

You got my wallet.

Okay, good. Let's go.

Uh...

l would like an apology.

l'm very sorry.

l never should have
overpowered you

- and taken your purse.
- Where is your retainer?!

- lt's right here, Grandma.
- Well, put it on!

lt was so very nice
to meet the both of you.

You thought you'd beat up
on a woman,

- only l beat your a*s, loser.
- Okay, come on.

You'd better leave
or l'll cut you, b*tch.

- Please, don't antagonize her.
- Oh, shut up, f*g!

l'll cut you both.

With what, your retainer?

You see, though?
l was right.

He's not a victim of society.
He's just some spoiled brat.

- Yeah, l guess you're right.
- We schooled that punk.

- Yeah.
- Thinks he can mess with me.

l gotta piss.
Can we please go in now?

- l can't find my keys.
- Oh, what?

Oh my God.
That punk,

he must have taken my keys!

- Are you kidding?
- l don't know!

They're not here!
He must have them.

Well, maybe they fell out
of your purse.

Look, could you just
please try to stay calm?

- Hello?
- Listen, you little

crooked-tooth sh*t! l know you've
got my keys! Don't bother to lie!

- l want 'em back now!
- Nope.

Put your grandmother
on the phone!

Aw, sorry,

but Grandma
took a Tylenol P.M.

She'll be out till morning.

l want my keys back.

Oh, you'll be getting 'em back.

Me and a few of my friends'll
be dropping 'em by.

Oh, and don't worry.

We know where you live.

We don't need directions.

We better get
the locks changed.

This is good.

You took a simple mugging

and you upgraded it
to a double m*rder.

Oh good, you put
the new lock in?

Who said anything
about a new lock?

l'm switching out your lock
with that colored guy's across the hall.

- His name is Walter.
- Yeah, whatever.

What are you taking off
the whole door?

The locks are fused on from
being painted over so many times.

lt's just easier
to switch the doors.

Yeah, but wait a minute.
Now Walter's gonna be apartment 3D

and they'll just come in
and break into his place.

What, are you guys f*cking
each other? Who gives a sh*t.

Come on!

Fine, Jesus. Relax, will you?
l got it all under control.

Look, we got another building
with apartment 3D.

We'll take their door and give
them yours. What do you say?

Are you coming
right back with the door?

Yeah, l'll call you.

This building sucks!

- Argh!
- You okay?

Yeah, l just-- l didn't hear you
come in with the no-door there.

Oh yeah!

Hey, it's good you had
that ripped out.

l always hated that thing.

Doors, you know,
all these doors--

doors are the blockages
of truth, you know?

lt's like
l'm coming to see you.

l've got coming-
to-see-you energy.

With my eyes, l don't need
to see wood. l want to see you.

My eyes, you!
Your eyes, mine!

You sit at your table
and you sit, and say--

l got family, l got noodles
in boxes, cereal in boxes.

Everything is in a box.

You don't know you need a surprise.
You need my energy

coming in.
Your energy seeing me.

lt's like life.
You're living your life.

Otherwise it's just--
you meter out your friendship.

You meter
the f*cking sh*t out.

You are like, ''Oh, a little bit,
maybe l should let him in.

l don't know--
What do l think of him?''

You know?
But if l just come in,

l just come in,
you see me.

lt's seeing energy;
it's hurled back and forth.

lt's thrust,
energy thrust.

Doors block
the thrust of life.

l know this man,
l know this.

lt's doors.
Doors are bullshit. lt's doors.

- Can l take a shower?
- No, man, it's not a good time.

Did you talk to Nick?

Yeah, we're not getting
our door tonight.

He suggested
we hang some beads.

l talked to Tina and she said Lucy
can stay over there tonight.

Where are we staying?

Here.
We got to protect our stuff.

What stuff?
There's nothing
in here.

Nothing in here
worth more than $18.

lt's not about the money.
These are our things.

Like this bowl.
l love this bowl.

What's so great
about that bowl?

l don't know.
lt's our blue bowl.

l make pancakes in it.

We eat salad out of it.

l yelled at you when
you soaked your foot in it.

lt's our blue bowl
and they're not getting it.

When's the last time
you made pancakes?

Look, if you don't care
you go sleep at Tina's

and l'll stay here and deal
with Jason and his friends myself.

Do we have a baseball bat?

Kim, you are being ridiculous.
l can't let you stay here.

l'm not leaving
my home open.

All right, f*ck it.
l'll stay.

Really? You sure?

You're a foot tall.

Obviously, l'm the one
who should stay.

l'll guard our home
against Jason and the crackheads.

Look at you, all tough.

No one is going
to mess with you.

You're a bad a*s.

Don't try to make this out to be
a good idea, because it's not.

Hey, you can call your friends,
have them over,

order some pizza.
You get a free guys night.

Okay. Just go.

- Lucy, come on. We're going to Tina's.
- l'm gonna bring my Kyla doll

and my Mr. Chipmunk
and my circus coloring book.

Lucy, we're only
going for one night.

And my red shoes--

And that's it. Come on.

Papa, we're going to a sleepover.

- Okay. Have fun.
- We will have fun.

All right.
See you in the morning. Maybe.

Bye, Papa.

Thanks. Bad a*s.

Put that away, man.

What? Safety's on.

Oh. Now it's on.

l told you not to bring a g*n.

Wait-- now it's on.

Rich, we're not
going to need that.

Why, 'cause you got
your pepper spray?

What do you think you're going to
do with that? Stop a date r*pe?

- lt's just a deterrent.
- Barely.

lt stings for 10 minutes
and you're right back in business.

Give him a break.
The man is trying to protect his home.

Here. You might want
to tuck this back in your bra.

f*gg*t.

Shut up, assholes.

Hey, what happened
to your door?

Hey, Walter.

Jesus.
You scared the tinkle out of us.

Come on in.

Yeah.
Maybe l won't.

Come on in, Walter.
What are you doing up?

Working late.

All the more reason
to grab a beer.

Seriously, man,
come on, sit down.

Okay.
What happened to your door?

My wife, she got
in a fight with a mugger

and the guy took her keys. So long
story short, the super took the door.

This building sucks.
We complained

that we had a window
that rattled a little.

He came over
and bricked it up.

Anyway, we're all here
guarding my crap

because my wife fought a mugger
for $3 and some eyeliner.

Wait. Kim got mugged
by a tr*nsv*stite?

No. Some kid.

She could have let him go,
but she made this thing out of it.

This one time, Ellen started
to fight with this guy

over a parking space.
She jumped out of the car,

gets all in the guy's face.
Starts cussing him out.

So then the guy
gets out of his car

and points
a big a*s g*n at her.

- What did you do?
- What do you think?

l gave him the parking space.

She still gives me sh*t over it.

Yeah. One time
l took Tina ice skating.

She loves to skate.
She's pretty good at it too.

l must have watched
her skate for two hours.

Anyways, we went home
and we made love all night.

What? We're talking
about our wives, right?

My wife doesn't skate.

Oh, lighten up.
Kim is great.

So she stood up for herself.
She's a tough gal.

A scrapper. She doesn't back down
when she thinks she's right.

And that deserves
your respect instead of--

Whoa! Jesus Christ!
Was that you?

- Argh!
- Oh, come on, man!

- Argh!
- Wow!

Lou. Wow!

Come on. l got no door
so my stomach got nervous.

Then your a*s
must be terrified.

- Oh!
- No!

Jesus, f*ck!
That's pepper spray.

Don't panic.
Don't panic.

You got to piss on a rag
and put it over your eyes.

- That's it for me.
- Yeah. Me too.

Come on, guys.
l don't want to be here all alone.

Seriously, Lou,
see an a*s doctor.

Oh my God!

Oh, hey.

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah,
l'm fine.

Wow.

sh*t.

What happened?

Well, l farted...

so everybody left.
And then l fell asleep.

But, hey, l saved
the blue bowl.

You slept through all of this?

Well, no.
Not exactly.

l was asleep
when they came in--

and l woke up by pretending
to still be asleep.

l could hear them
vandalizing the place,

but it was taking
kind of a long time so

l guess
l fell back asleep.

Damn it! l knew
l should have been the one to stay.

- l can't believe you!
- What?

Some punks come in, wreck our home
and you don't do anything?

Hey, l'm okay.

Nothing happened to me. Maybe that's
what you should be focused on right now.

Oh my God. f*g.

Yeah, all right.
l don't care if you call me that.

That's fine.
That's what l am.

lf what l did tonight
makes me a f*g,

then--
then l'm a f*g.

But you know what?
l'd rather be a live f*g

than a dead b*tch.

No. They spray-painted
''f*g'' on your shirt.

Oh, sh*t!

Look what you did!

What do you mean
what l did?

lf you had let go of that purse,
you would have lost $3.

And instead we got all of this.
Was it worth it?

Hey, l just wanted
to protect our home.

lt's a shitty home.
lt's a rental.

This is the only art
we have on the walls.

Look, if l was here,
l would have fought those f*ck.

Good idea, Kim, great.
Maybe you are right.

Maybe you should have stayed,
fought everybody.

Maybe instead of a bruise
you would have gotten k*lled.

Then l can tell Lucy that it's okay
she doesn't have a mommy,

'cause she's got
a blue bowl.

l'm sorry.

lt's all right.

lt's just hard for me
to let them get away with it.

l don't like
people f*cking with me.

l get that.

Believe me. Listen...

if anybody ever really
tried to hurt you

or Lucy, they're dead
where they walk.

Thanks, bad a*s.

Oh sh*t.

Oh my God,
they're still here.

What did we
just talk about?

- All right.
- Be a f*g, not a b*tch.

Wait. Let me get this.

Well, they can't steal
that now.