01x09 - Drinking

[bunniefuu]

Stop.

I can't sleep.

No sh*t.

I just keep thinking
about death.

Oh, Jesus, not again.

I'm 38. I'm almost halfway
there at best.

Please.
Just go to sleep.

Okay.

I mean, I'm really f*cking
scared of dying,

of just being
nothing forever.

I'm going to not exist
way longer than I've existed,

and when I picture that
I can't breathe.

I'm just paralyzed.

You're not going
to stop, are you?

I saw this dog today,
he was walking down the street,

and I thought, "That dog
is going to die someday

and he doesn't even
know it. He's so lucky."

Or is he?

Is it better that he doesn't know
or that he does know?

f*cking dog.
I just wish there were some way...

Are you still thinking
about death?

No. No. No.

"Lucky Louie" was taped
before a live audience.

Please eat something.

I don't really care for it.

Can I have dessert?

Yeah, why not?

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Hi, Mama.
- Hi, baby.

Oh my God,
what a horrible day.

You remember Pete,
my morbidly obese patient?

It took two hours
to move him.

- Where did you have to move him?
- The morgue.

My back is k*lling me.

Oh, don't give her that yet.
She's barely eaten anything.

Yeah, Papa.
I've barely eaten anything.

- Hello?
- What's up, pumpkin?

Are you going to Lady Bulldog's game
tonight or what?

Aw, is that tonight?

- I don't think I can go.
- What?

You're going to miss the Women's
College Basketball Division III finals?

What kind of
a sports fan are you?

No, you're right,

I should go.
You know what?

I'll be there. I've just
got to clear it with Kim.

Well, get it cleared.

Tailgate party starts at 6:30.

I don't want to
miss the pep rally.

Hang on.
Tina's got something.

Now, Louie, I know you guys
are going to be out late and there's

- going to be a lot of drinking.
- Yeah, probably.

Well, have a good time.

Mama, I'm cold.

Well, go get
your sweater in the bedroom.

Hey, uh, it looks like
the Lady Bulldogs

are in the championship.
That's pretty great.

Oh, okay. Wow.

So I guess Mike and Rich
are going or something.

Oh, they're going?

Yeah, or something.

Huh...

Apparently,
there's like a tailgate party too.

I don't know.
Sounds stupid.

Yeah, it does.

So are you saying
you want to go?

I don't know. Maybe I should...
right? ...'cause it's a work thing.

And Mike is my boss,
and it's always good to network.

So you think I should go?

Oh my God, yes, go.
Whatever.

- Mommy?
- What, sweetie?

- My tummy hurts.
- Okay, I'll be right there.

Oh, honey.

I'm going to take
her to the bathroom.

Will you deal with that?

Oh, Jeez,
you going to be all right there?

Poor kid.

Okay, I'll see you later.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the game.

- Really?
- What? You said I could go.

What are you, nine?
You're daughter just threw up.

All right, fine.

Hey, Mike, bad news,
I can't go.

Yeah, the wife
won't let me go.

What? Don't tell him that.

This is not me
not letting you go.

Oh, I guess she
is letting me go.

What is wrong with you?

Something's wrong with me.
I've got to call you back.

Am I going or not?

You need me to tell you?
I worked all day,

Lucy's sick and you want
to go to a tailgate party.

So you're not
letting me go?

No, I'm not doing this.

- What?
- This,

that thing where you force me
to make the decision for you,

and I'm the bad guy.
It's ridiculous.

You're an adult.
Make a decision and live with it.

You want me to decide?

That's really
what you want?

That'd be great.

Are you f*cking
with me right now?

Jesus Christ.

All right.
I'm going to decide.

That's what you
want me to do.

Uh-huh.

Okay. Here's the decision:

I'm going, and I'm going
to have a good time.

Bye.

Whoo!

How great was it
when they went to the zone defense,

and shut those
ugly b*tches out for eight minutes?

Yeah, nothing I like better
than watching a pretty young lady

taking it hard
to the hole, huh?

Mike, Mike, Mike, slow down,
slow down. Check these guys out.

Excuse me, fellas.
We're a little lost.

Could you give
us erections?

"Erections"?

Come on, man. How do you
even know these guys are g*y?

I don't think they're g*y.
I'm pretending that I'm g*y.

It's funny to act g*y.
What's wrong with you, Lou?

All right, I'll try it.

Here, check these
guys out over here.

Excuse me,
gentlemen, yes.

Can you tell me how to
get to Sycamore Street?

Go to the light
and make a left.

Oh, thanks.

That wasn't fun.
Those guys just think I'm g*y now.

Eh...

Uh-oh.
f*gg*t.

Mike, look out!

Jesus.

Boy, that guy's
lucky to be alive.

No sh*t.

Hey, buddy,
you almost died!

f*ck you!

Hey, man, are you
okay to drive?

Not in the least.

Well, here let me drive.
Pull over, let's switch.

No no, let go. I don't like
anyone else driving when I'm drunk.

Come on, man.
That's stupid.

Let me drive.
Just pull over.

Come on. All right.
Fine. You want to drive?

Let's switch.
Go ahead. Switch.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. sh*t.

Ah! Ah!
You're on my d*ck!

Lift up so I can
slide under.

I can't. I trapped between
the dashboard and your d*ck.

Ah!

Push the f*cking
seat back.

Ow! Legroom, f*ggots!

Ugh.

Oh, sh*t.

Well, pull over, as*h*le,
you've got the wheel.

Would you let him go, Officer?
It was my car.

You were both driving.
You both failed the Breathalyzer.

You both get to go to jail.
Use that to make your call.

So... this is where I'm supposed
to get f*cked in the a*s.

All right. I've got to figure out
how to tell Kim what happened.

Hello.

Hey, how you doing?

- Oh, hi.
- Listen, uh...

I'm just calling because I feel
really bad that I left you there.

I just... I just really wanted
to say that I'm sorry.

Yeah, okay.

No, really. I just feel like
I should have been responsible

and I should have given you a break,
and I hope you can forgive me.

It's all right.
Thank you.

Listen, could you
come pick me up?

What do you mean,
come pick you up?

It's just that I'm downtown

and I've got to get home.

Well, what do
you need me for?

I don't have a car.

Yeah, I know,
but it's just that I'm in a place where

in order for me to leave,
they need you to give them...

bail.

You're in jail?

Yeah, I got busted
for a D.U.I. I'm sorry.

You're only sorry
because you're in jail.

Well, that's the point of jail.

So, can you come get me?

Hmm.

It looks like I have
a decision to make here.

Do I wake up sick Lucy

and put her on a bus
to come bail you out,

because you had to drink
your face off at a basketball game,

or do I let you sleep for a couple
of hours on a jail floor?

So which one are
you going to do?

Good night, Louie.

sh*t.

Do you want
to call Tina?

Yeah, sure. Why not?

- Hello.
- Hey, honey.

I'm in jail on a D.U.I.

Honey, are you okay?
What happened?

Well, I was swerving
all over the place,

then Louie jumped
on my lap.

It sounds like
you guys had fun.

Anyway, listen.
I'm going to sleep it off here

and I'll see you
tomorrow, okay?

All right.
Bye, poop.

Oh, well.

Hey, you'd better
move over.

I've got
pretty bad aim.

Good morning.

Oh, hi.

Don't you want to know
about my night in jail?

Not really.

Are you even curious
if I got r*ped?

'Cause I got r*ped.

Louie, I'm sick.

I think I got
whatever Lucy had,

so just tell me what happened
and let me go lie down.

Well, I got a $1,000 fine,

and I've got to go to A.A.

Awesome.

Hi, Papa.

Hey, sweetheart.
How are you feeling?

Good. Where were
you last night?

I was in jail.

What's jail?

It's a place where
they put bad people.

Are you a bad person?

No, I'm not a bad person.

Then why did
they put you in jail?

'Cause I'm
a bad person.

Do you want
a cookie?

- Okay.
- Okay, I'm going to have one too.

You shouldn't have a cookie
'cause you were bad.

Hey, Louie.

Hey, Mike.

Hey, Jerry.
You come here?

Yeah, this is
my Wednesday meeting.

It's good
you're here,

and don't worry...
anonymous.

Yeah, thanks.

Hi, welcome, guys.

I'm leading tonight.
My name's Jeff.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Hey, can you sign this for us,

so we can prove
that we were here?

This is an attendance form.

I don't sign this
until the meeting's over.

Oh, we're not alcoholics.

We're just here
because we got a D.U.I.

Maybe you could
just sign this so we can leave.

Guys, I know it must
be hard to admit that

you might benefit
from something like this,

but what have you got
to lose? An hour?

Yeah, an hour.

All right, we'll give it
a shot. Thank you.

Okay. Okay, all,
let's get started.

My name's Jeff,
and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Jeff.

Five years ago,
I was an airline pilot.

One day after


I flew a plane
to Los Angeles.

The problem is
my destination was San Diego.

But then I started
working the Steps,

and today, by the grace of God,
I've got my 18-month chip

and I'm an
Assistant Manager at Wal-Mart.

Has it been an hour yet?

Yeah, I'm Cal.

Hey, Cal.

I'm what you call
a blackout drunk,

so sometimes I'd wake up
five states away

from where
I started drinking.

And I'd be married,

often while I was
already married.

I never even touched alcohol
until I met this girl at the beach.

Patty.

God, she was something.

- Cal?
- Anyway...

God bless you all.

One day at a time.

How'd you like
to be that sack of sh*t?

Guys, no crosstalk please.

- I'm Jerry.
- Hey, Jerry.

Four years sober.

I enjoy dating
senior citizens.

So one day Claire and I,

we're sitting on
a park bench

and we're making out.

And she falls asleep,

so I start rifling
through her purse,

'cause I want
money for booze.

But I realize that Jerry
don't feel good about Jerry

when Jerry's doing this.

That's when I decided

to stop drinking
and start thinking.

And today when I date
those old ladies,

I don't steal their money,
so I'm a winner.

Well, at least
that was entertaining.

Seriously, no crosstalk.

Jesus, this guy
really hates crosstalk.

You know what, Mike?

You act like
you're above this.

You say you don't
have a problem.

No, not really.

Well then,
tell us about it.

Tell us how drinking
has made your life so great.

Okay...

I'll give it a shot.

Well, I guess the main thing
is that when I feel bad...

I drink, and I don't
feel bad anymore.

And when I feel good...

I drink...

and I feel better.

But, I know I drink a little bit
too much sometimes...

way too much...
and the next day I don't feel good.

I get the runs.

I've got to pop
a lot of aspirin,

maybe take a half-day,
but, you know,

hey, big whoop, huh?

Being drunk is fun!

My name is Mike,
and thanks for listening.

I never thought
about it like that.

Okay, apparently, these guys
haven't learned anything today.

Well, I learned something.

Oh, really?

Well, let's hear that.

It's kind of personal.

Well, you should give it a try.

It felt good
to share my story.

Yeah, go ahead, Louie,
you're in a safe place.

Yeah, come on.

Well, all right.

I guess I'm relating
to a lot of your stories.

I mean, you guys all made
some really bad decisions

'cause you were drunk.

Well, last night I decided to go
to a women's basketball game

instead of taking care
of my sick daughter.

That was
a bad decision.

The thing is,
I was stone-cold sober.

Honestly, I wish that
alcohol were my problem.

God, that'd be great.

But, unfortunately,
I'm not an alcoholic,

I'm just a f*cking as*h*le.

You know, I made a lot
of bad decisions before I drank too.

Maybe I'm just
a f*cking as*h*le.

Yeah, I think
I'm a f*cking as*h*le too.

Everybody, please,

this is just
the addict talking.

Ah, come on, Jeff.
You know you're a f*cking as*h*le.

Hey, we're all
f*cking assholes, eh?

And this
f*cking as*h*le

is buying all you
f*cking assholes...

drinks. Come on.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Uh, listen.

I'm really sorry
about everything.

I had kind of
a breakthrough.

I know you want me
to be an adult

and make decisions
for myself.

Right.

Well, that ain't
gonna happen.

That's your breakthrough?

Yeah, look, l... I tried,
but it didn't work.

I think it's going
to have to be you.

But here's what
I'll give you in return.

I won't complain anymore
or... or make you the bad guy.

Just whatever you decide,
I'll just do it.

No.

What do you mean no?

No, you still have to
make your own decisions.

But I made one decision...
it was a total disaster.

Sure it was.
It was awful.

I mean, I knew it
was going to be bad,

but wow.

Yes, so stop me
before I do that again.

Do you remember when Lucy
decided to put glue in her hair?

She was bald
for a while.

But now she knows
that was a bad idea.

That's how
you learn.

Okay, you're 37,

so you're starting
a little bit late.

But you'll be fine.

And you're already bald.

So...

I can make
any decisions I want

and you won't complain?

Get the f*ck out of here.

Oh, hello.

I'm Rick Shapiro of
the "Lucky Louie" television program.

We all had
a lot of fun tonight,

but at the heart
of this show is a serious issue.

When considering
sexual partners,

don't overlook
the elderly.

They're fun.

They're appreciative.

And hey, you don't have to worry
about birth control.

The elderly,

they're not dead yet.