01x13 - Clowntime Is Over

[bunniefuu]

- Looks like you're out of beer.
- Oh, I'll go get some.

Oh no, there's some
in the crisper drawer, Mike.

Well, we probably need
more so I'll go get some.

You leave, you die!

Okay, kids, we're gonna
start the treasure hunt.

Hey, what's going on? I thought
you guys were getting a clown.

Hey, it's almost 3:00.
Where's the clown?

Louie, call the clown.

- All right.
- What clown did you get?

His name is Bingo.

Huh, never heard of him.

Hi, is this Bingo?

Hey, you're supposed to be
at my house. Where are you?

What?

Were you gonna
call us, or what?

Well f*ck you, Bingo,
right in the a*s!

He quit being a clown
three weeks ago.

So, what are
we gonna do now?

Where is the clown, Mama?

Well, you see, honey,
here's the thing.

We just called the clown
and he said he's not feeling

well and he's not gonna
be able to come here today.

But he said he knows
an even better clown

and he's gonna
be here any minute.

- So run and tell your friends!
- Yay!

What do we do now,
just leave?

- You could do it.
- Do what?

Be the clown.

Yeah, Louie,
be the clown.

No.

Forget it.

He can't be the clown.

I mean, he's got the hair,
but he's not funny.

What's your
clown name gonna be?

My clown name is
"f*ck you, I'm not a clown."

Oh, the kids are
gonna love that.

We could make
you into a clown.

We just have
to be creative.

Tina, can I borrow your make-up bag?
And give me those pantyhose.

Whoa whoa, wait a minute.
No no no.

Tina, put them back on
'cause I'm not doing it.

- Take 'em off!
- What is it, guys, up or down?

Down, off!

- Look, you're not hearing me.
- Louie, it is her birthday

and she's been looking
forward to this for weeks.

m*therf*cker.

Thank you.

Okay, let's clown you up.

- Who are you calling?
- Lots of people.

Lucky Louie was taped
before a live audience.

Okay, kids, are you ready
for your special guest?

Yeah!

Well, here he is!

That's a keeper.

I'm not doing this.

- Oh, come on, come on.
- I don't know what to do.

Do anything,
just be funny.

- What's your name?
- I don't know.

He's Mr. Pizza Box Man.

Yeah, okay, I'm
Mr. Pizza Box Man.

What does Mr. Pizza
Box Man do?

I don't know.

He jumps around
and says pizza things.

Uh, pizza, pizza,

pepperoni pizza.

Cheese and crust.
I like pizza.

- Yay!
- Yay!

What else do you do?

I think that's it.

Oh, no, no, no
he's just getting started.

Come on,
Mr. Pizza Box Man.

Pizza, pizza,
lots of pizza!

Doesn't Mr. Pizza Box
Man do anything else?

- L...
- Sure he does!

He dances around
and makes farts.

Yay!

- Hey.
- Hi.

What are you looking at?

The pictures
from the party.

Boy, those kids love
Mr. Pizza Box Man. Look at this.

- Yeah, no thanks.
- Aw.

It was fun.
Listen,

Beth,
Ally's mom, called

and she wants you to do
Mr. Pizza Box Man

for Ally's birthday
party next weekend.

f*ck you.

She said,
she'd pay you $100.

What is she, high?

Hey, you made
the kids laugh

and you're cheaper
than a bouncy castle.

Well, too bad,
'cause I'm not doing it.

- Oh, come on.
- It's one thing to do it once for Lucy.

But I'm not going out there doing it
for other people's shitty kids.

Okay, I looked into that ballet
class Lucy wants to take.

It's really expensive
and this could help pay for it.

So you really expect me
to go out there in pantyhose

and pizza boxes, and go into
people's homes and do a fart dance?

Look, it's $100
for an hour's work.

So what?
You could make that much

blowin' guys
on the street.

Yes, but you see,

I don't have time
to do that

because I have
a full-time job.

Okay, so that's
what this is.

This is you saying that I don't
contribute to the family.

No, this is me saying you should
go out and blow guys on the street.

Man, can you f*cking
believe her?

Yeah.

I mean, I have
a full-time job.

It's called
taking care of Lucy.

- Papa!
- I'm busy.

Go, be a clown with
a pizza box on your chest

so your daughter can
do a dance class.

- f*ck her.
- Yeah, right.

You agree with me, right?

Sure.
Whatever.

What, you don't?

I don't know.
There's kind of an element

of "What the f*ck's
your problem?"

What's that supposed
to mean?

You work in a muffler shop.
Is that really so much better

than slapping a pizza box
to your a*s every now and then?

No, it seems to me that you're
being kind of selfish.

I mean, sometimes you just
gotta swallow your pride

and do what's
best for the kid.

I guess somebody's
gotta teach her to dance.

Man, she sucks.

Louie, what the hell?
What are you doing in that?

Ally's party.

What?
You did it?

Yes, here's your
dirty clown money.

- Well, how did it go?
- How do you think?

A bunch of kids jumping
on me, yelling at me?

It's f*cking humiliating.
It was awful.

I felt like I got r*ped
by a bunch of children.

I f*cking hated everyone...
I hope, every kid

that was at that party
f*cking dies today.

Piece of sh*t.
It was awful.

"Yeah, Mr. Pizza Box."
f*ck you!

Oh my God, Louie!

It must have been
awful for you.

- Yeah, it was.
- But you did it.

And you got this
money for Lucy.

I'm... I'm so proud of you.

Yeah?

Really.

I'm just...
I'm really proud.

Wow, that's very proud.

Yup.

Come on,
Mr. Pizza Box Man.

Pizza, pepperoni pizza.

Look, Mom.
It's Lisa.

- Hey, Ellen.
- Oh, hi, Kim.

You I see you
enrolled in the class.

Yeah, Lucy is so happy.

- Aw.
- Damn!

Check this sh*t out.
Fancy shmancy.

Yes.

Hello, everyone, welcome.

I'm Miss Mimi.

Parents, make yourself comfortable.
Dancers, follow me.

Wow, she seems
like the real deal.

Yes, she was
in the Joffrey.

- Hi, Linda.
- Oh my God, coffee, yes.

What a morning. Did you guys
take the bus over here?

Yes, we did.

How bad does
the Number 34 suck, huh?

- Yes, well...
- We sat next to this guy...

I mean, is it a rule that
you have to smell like sh*t

to ride the bus?
I mean, f*ck!

- Would you excuse me for a moment?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh! You gotta get in
on this coffee cake.

Oh, it kicks a*s!

So, Lou, this whole clown thing
is working out for you, huh?

Yeah, actually I'm doing
another party this weekend.

Oh, good good.
That's great.

They, um, they give
you a trophy

for being the world's
biggest d*uche bag?

I'm just curious.
I mean, what do they pay you

to twist your d*ck
into a balloon animal?

Actually,
I get $100 a party,

but it all goes
to Lucy's dance class.

So, you're not even
seeing any of the money?

Oh, you are
the most pathetic

p*ssy-whipped jizz-bucket
to ever live.

I suggest that
you k*ll yourself.

I think, I'm gonna
get some pie.

Hey, c*ck-face,

I just said you're a jizz-bucket
and should k*ll yourself.

f*gg*t!

That's funny.

What is this?

- Why isn't this bothering him?
- Because I'm happy.

I'm providing
for my family,

my daughter gets to take her
classes and my wife is happy.

- Very happy.
- Really?

- When you say "happy"...
- Yeah.

Tuesday, middle
of the day blow job.

Oh, that's nice.

Kim blows you
for dressing like a clown?

One time she blew me while
I was dressed like a clown.

Great, now I gotta
go jerk off.

He was gonna
jerk off anyways.

- Oh, hey, Ellen.
- Hello.

So, do you guys wanna split
a cab to class next time?

Oh, well...

actually Lisa and I might be
coming from her grandmother's.

Oh, well, if not...

Listen, the truth is,

I don't want you messing
this up for me and Lisa.

What?

You know, the other moms
at the ballet class

call you "F Mom."

What the f*ck
is that supposed to mean?

Oh.

Well, big deal.
Just 'cause I curse a little?

What? We gotta be all "ooh"
just cause it's ballet?

I'm just saying you might
want to think about

how your behavior could
reflect on Lucy, that's all.

I'll see ya.

f*ck you, lady.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey, I'm doing Mr. Pizza Box Man
at some youth center on Saturday

so I might be a little
late for Lucy's recital.

Okay, thanks honey.

Is something wrong?

Do you think I'm gross?

Oh, honey.

There's nothing wrong with
occasionally blowing your husband.

No, I mean, am I trash?

- Do I lack class?
- What's bringing this on?

Ellen says I swear too much.

She says the other women
at the ballet class call me "F Mom"

and maybe that
reflects on Lucy.

I'm just being myself.

And now I feel like this
big whorey trash mouth.

Well, you are.

What?

No, that's a good thing.

Look, I'm crazy about
your dirty little mouth.

Our second date, remember?
You were having your period

and you said you were
bleeding like a mob hit.

I fell... I fell
in love right there.

But that's not
what this is about.

This is about making
sacrifices for our daughter.

Now, I'm out there
farting in kids faces

so she can have
those classes.

I think, maybe you could go
an hour a week without saying f*ck.

Are you mad at me now?

No. No.

I'm glad you said it.

Okay, it's just, I'm a little
worried now that you're not...

No, it's fine.
I'll blow you later.

Good.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi.

You wouldn't happen to know

where I could find
Mr. Pizza Box Man?

I'm kidding! I could
totally tell it was you.

Well, the kids
are right in there.

Oh, is this a
birthday party or...

Oh no, we just try
to bring in entertainment

- for the kids when we can.
- Okay, great, thanks.

Oh, you're a little
older than I thought.

Uh...
hey, kids,

did anybody order
a Mr. Pizza Box Man?

Well...

I'm, uh...
I'm Mr. Pizza Box Man

and I jump around
and I say pizza things.

Pizza, pizza,
pepperoni pizza.

Cheese and crust.

I like pizza!

Does anybody have
a favorite kind of pizza?

I think, I heard somebody
over there say something.

No.

Just give us the pizza.

I don't actually
have any pizza.

- What?
- No pizza?

- Then what's the point?
- You're supposed to be the pizza man.

I'm the "Pizza Box Man."

L... I don't get it.

This is stupid. You look
like a homeless person.

Look, I'm just trying
to entertain you guys.

Well stop.
You suck!

Okay, hang on...

f*ck you,
Pizza Box f*gg*t!

Excuse me.

Is something funny?

Uh... no.

Then why are you laughing?

All right, you look weird
and we laughed.

Hey!

Hey, okay.

Hello.

Good afternoon.

Pardon me.

How are you today,
Ellen?

I'm fine.

Hello parents, and welcome
to our first recital.

The children are
proud to present

"The Dance
of the Enchanted Glen"

It's morning
in the forest

and the nymphs dance
amongst the rocks

and trees.

And the nymphs
go back to the glen

to await another day.

Bows, bows.

Excuse me.

- I'm a little confused.
- I'm sorry?

Well, I guess
I was just hoping

that Lisa would have
an opportunity to dance.

I'm sorry,
which one is Lisa?

My daughter.

She played a rock.

Now, with all due respect,

I guess I was expecting
a little more than that.

- Well, they can't all be stars.
- Well...

Look, I have a waiting list.

So if you're dissatisfied
please don't come back.

Well, fine. Then just give me
my money back.

I'm sorry,
it's non-refundable.

This is bullshit.

We want our f*cking
money back, now!

Excuse me.

What?

What?

Just a bad night
for Mr. Pizza Box Man.

- What about you?
- Oh.

Good night for "F Mom."