01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language

She should be here by now. Are you
looking forward to going to Mum's?

Yeah, it's going to be amazing.
It's not going to be amazing, is it?

You're going to stay at your
mum's. Try again. Erm...

It'll be... good?

Yes! It's going to
be absolutely good.

You're going to have an absolutely
good time at your mum's.

Hi, sweetie. Hey, babes.

You're not, erm... You're not
going out tonight, are you?

Well, I am, actually. I've got
a work emergency. Emergency?

Well, not an emergency.
Sort of urgent... situation.

I forgot I had the
evening session today.

So not an emergency at all.

OK... What? Is there a
problem? No, no, no, no.

It's just I've got loads of
stuff on myself tonight. Oh, OK.

Are you all right with...? Yeah.

No, no. Sorry. No, ignore
me. It's absolutely fine.

Come on, then, Spence. Let's go.

I'll drop him back at the usual
time. Yeah, sure. Have fun.

Bye, Spence. Spence...

See you, Spence. You don't
even have to look back, mate.

Just carry on walking.

You all right? Have
a good weekend.

Get in the back.

Courtney, who was that
bloke? Was that a cab? No.

Do you think Claire's hired
a chauffeur? Mm, I doubt it,

unless he drives a
sh*t Honda Civic.

Was he good looking,
the driver? Yeah.

He was quite Ryan Gosling-y.

I didn't see him.
Chill out, mate.

Maybe she's just getting
a lift or something.

How much do you think I want
to talk about this, out of ten?

I don't... Yeah, you are,
you're allowed fractions.

Why are you being...? Oh,
I know, it's date night.

It's date night. That's why you're
getting all pass agg with no pass.

Don't worry, I'm going
to sh**t off in a bit.

This looks nice. Thanks.

So, what's your course?

All in good time. Don't look.

I'm not looking.
It's a surprise.

We've got a long evening ahead.

I was thinking, right, maybe we
could bring back Naked Thursdays.

Yeah, great idea. Remember
those days? They were so good.

Oh, wait, but it's Monday and
I'm going to be frying onions.

That's a fair point. I'm off!

I'll be back at... BOTH: Bye!

Don't worry, I'm picking
up on the subtext.

He lingers, doesn't he? Yeah.

Bye. Bye, Jonathan. Bye. Bye.

DOOR CLOSES

Erm, hi, Keith.

Hi, Jonathan. Ready for the
7:15 session? Yeah, yeah.

I was after a little favour,
actually. I've got, erm...

Well, I've got a
registration plate of a car.

I was wondering if you could
help me identify the owner.

I can't do that, Jonathan, largely
because we work in speed awareness

and this is not Line of Duty.
No, I mean, I realise that.

I just wondered if you knew somebody
or you had a contact or something.

Why are you asking anyway?
Well, it's a bit stupid.

It's just, I saw Claire
in a car with some bloke.

It's all right, mate.

Don't worry. I get it, yeah?

Sit down.

Sit. We're sitting?

Sit. Yeah, sure.

Oh, that's how it
started with my Jenny.

We don't have to talk about this if
you don't... If you don't want to.

I want to. OK.

I mean, once you've
seen them together...

you can't stop imagining it.

Picturing them doing
all this stuff.

I'm not imagining them doing...

At least I wasn't until you
started saying all that.

It's not like that, really.
I mean, my son was with him.

That would be incredibly
inappropriate, I think.

Your little lad Spence? Yeah.

That's the bit I
never saw coming.

It's not even like I don't
see my Carl, you know?

Just one day, before I knew it,

I was Daddy Keith

and he had a new Daddy Scott.

I think he just
calls him Dad now.

In front of you?

That's bad, isn't it?
Well, it feels a bit off.

Any idea where they
went in the car?

Well, it's Claire's
turn to have him,

so I imagine they went
back to her place.

Mate, do you not know what
can happen if you let this go?

Daddy Scott!

You've got to go there now.

I mean, put a stop to it
before it's too late. Come on.

Go and see for yourself,
for your own sanity.

But I've got a class.
Forget about the class.

Family is more important and
you're no use to me anyway

when you're in this state. I
wasn't actually in a state.

I think you... Off you
go, mate. Well done.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hi, Dad. Hey, mate. I was just
checking you got to Mum's all right.

Yeah. We got a lift back
with someone from her work.

Great, great. Well,
that was nice of him.

Are you and Mum
doing homework now?

Actually, she's still
talking to him now.

What? He's still there?

What room are they in?

Erm, I don't know. Do you
want me to go and find them?

Erm... No. No, of
course not. No.

Love you. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Ooh, yeah!

Yeah? Yeah. You decided
against Naked Thursday, though?

Well, I think if just one of us does
it, it's called Awkward Thursday.

You look smokin'!

Oh, thank you so much.

I'm really looking
forward to tonight.

It'll be a really nice
time to chat about things.

What's that? A lamb
keema. With raisins?

Yeah. You like raisins, don't
you? Oh, my God, no. Not in curry.

That is absolutely rank.

Oh, my God, it's actually making me
feel a bit... No, Dan, that is...

I feel like it's making
me feel sick. I'm sorry.

Mm-mm. Yeah, it's going
to be a really nice time.

Hiya, Claire...
No, that's not...

Hiya... Ahem.

Hiya, Claire. Just dropping
off Spencer's phone charger...

Just dropping off Spencer's
telephone... No, not telephone.

Hey, Spen... No. Hi, Claire.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

FUMBLES WITH THE IGNITION

Come on.

What are you doing?

Do you know what,

I think I'm coming around to
this raisin in curry thing.

See? Told you. Keeping an
open mind helps, doesn't it?

I do have an open mind.

I just mean, you know, sometimes
you think you might feel one way,

but then, actually,
you might not.

What are you talking about?

I don't even know.

I think I'm drunk.

So, erm, what did
you make for pudding?

Ice cream. So you
didn't do dessert?

I thought you were going to
showcase your inner Bake Off.

I don't actually have an
inner Bake Off, really.

I mean, who could
be arsed with that?

The other week, yeah, they had
to make 12 identical Twixes.

I mean, who the
f*ck makes a Twix?

This time off work really seems to
be chilling you out, doesn't it?

Sorry, but there is absolutely no
chance that I'm spending two hours

making a Twix for
Spencer every day.

Hold on, you buy Spencer
a Twix every day?

No, we just, like,
share a twin pack.

DANIELLE SIGHS

What? Nothing.

Don't make a big deal out of it.
I mean, it's more for me anyway.

You know, because I get, like,
low blood sugars and all that. Mm.

Courtney, do you... DOOR SLAMS

Honestly, don't mind me. I'm
invisible. Is that a joke?

You're really not
invisible, Jonathan.

Oh, my God, you've
done a proper curry.

Have you done sides as well?

Erm, why aren't you at work?

Oh, Keith let me duck out.
There was an issue with Claire.

Is she all right? Yeah.

But she got a lift home with
some bloke from work. Oh, my God.

What a b*tch.

Yeah, I know.

But I just wanted to sort of check
and make sure everything was cool.

You went round?

Yeah, but I didn't go in.

I just watched the house from
the car for a bit. That's creepy.

Honestly, it was all OK. Yeah,
it is, unless she saw you.

What?

I don't think she
would have seen me.

I mean, even if she did, you know,
what's she looking at? Just...

me staring at the
house from the car. Mm.

Oh, my God. Is she going to
think I'm pathetic? I don't know.

I think after all these years
that's probably priced into

her opinion of you. Should
I phone and find out?

Yeah, give her a ring. No, not
her. I'm talking about Spencer.

Yeah, maybe you should make
that call somewhere else,

in another room that's not
here at our romantic meal.

You're right, you're
right, you're right.

I'm so sorry, Spence.
Here's your juice.

Steve is just making us
some tea and then after that

I promise you'll have total
Mum time, OK? That's OK.

Can I tell you a little secret?

Go on.

Mummy is absolutely
dreadful at paperwork.

But I think Steve said he's going to
do it for me. Isn't that cheating?

No.

Well, yeah, sort of.

Never copy anyone's work,
OK? Are we clear? Yeah.

OK. Love you.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Who is it? Dad.

Hi. Hey, mate.
What are you up to?

Just doing some homework
with Mum. Oh, great. Great.

Well, say hi for me.

But... But do it casual.
Sort of like, "Hiya."

Dad says, "Hiya."

Erm, hiya.

So, erm, what's going on?

You and Mum going to watch
a film or something, yeah?

I don't know. Steve's
making tea at the minute.

Sorry? Steve's cooking? Yeah.
I think he's making a curry.

A curry?!

What type? I don't know. It
smells like the one you do.

Dad?

Are you there? Yes,
I'm here. I just...

I just think curry's
a bit much, isn't it?

Like, pasta, sure.

A tomato sauce, I
totally get that.

Even a carbonara. You just whip it
together, it's a ten-minute thing.

But a curry? Doesn't
that seem insane?

I think it's just
like a quick...

I mean, technically,
they're still my spices.

That's my spice rack he's dipping
into, do you know what I mean?

Not really.

Sorry, Spencer. I'm being silly.

It's just, I'm jealous that you
get to have curry, that's all.

I'll, erm... I'll have to make
my own now, you know, so, erm...

Dad, can we have
your curry soon?

Thank you, Spence. Yes, of course
we can have one of my curries.

Look, forget about me. You
just have a lovely evening, OK?

Remember, though, if
Steve's curry's horrible,

you don't have to eat it, OK? Got
it. Bye, Dad. All right. Bye...

Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye.

Why did you say that?

Admit it. I mean, we were
actually having fun, weren't we?

It was like the old days.
By old days, you mean...?

Yeah. Before we were forced
to live with Sad Sack.

Do you know what, I think it
might be time for pudding.

Oh, I forgot, the ice cream you
put so much effort into buying.

Magnums?! You knows it.

I was thinking maybe we could take
these Magnums to the bedroom and...

Honestly, I'm not here. Just
very quickly answer me this.

You've just had a date night, right?
No, we're having a date night.

Right, exactly. But...
But you made a curry, OK?

A curry is a date night level
of preparation, isn't it?

We have curry all the time.

OK, but you would agree
that making a curry

signals a certain, erm, intent.

I was trying to
signal an intent.

Courtney, could just
focus for a second?

So Steve is making
Claire a curry.

Am I overreacting?

Well, Claire is very attractive.

I would. So I'm
not overreacting?

Yeah, well, it's been a few months.
She's single and ready to mingle.

I need to make
another phone call.

Although I don't approve of you
messing with the mental wellbeing

of my brother, that was
exceptionally well played.

Yeah, well, he's still
here, though, isn't he?

Yeah.

VIDEO GAME SOUNDS

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hi, Dad. Hey, big guy.
What's going on now?

Well, I'm just in the kitchen with
Mum and Steve about to have tea.

Right. Erm, do you want to
maybe move into the hallway?

Because I can't really hear you.

I think the signal might
be a bit better there.

Who is it? Dad.

Can you hurry up?
It's nearly ready.

Mum says to be quick though.
Yeah, yeah, that's cool.

Steve, it smells amazing.

I'm just trying to, erm...

I'm just trying wrap my brain
as to who Steve from work is.

What does he... What does
he look like? I don't know.

Well, do you want to, erm...

Do you want to maybe have
a look through the door

and sort of describe him to me?

But don't let them see that you're
looking. You want me to spy?

Yeah, but, you know, in
a fun way. A fun spy?

Yeah. Like a fun spy doing
me a special report on Steve.

Like, erm... Is he tall?

I guess he's tall.

Right. And how old is he?

Dunno.

Gingerly. Not too much!

About your age. OK.

And would you say
he's good looking?

What's good looking?

Is he nice?

Yeah, he's nice. Right.

Does Mum seem to
like him? I think so.

Argh! THEY LAUGH

These onions are
making my eyes water.

She laughs at his jokes.

Oh, God.

Look, erm, Spencer, I
just want you to know

that I will always be your
dad, whatever happens, OK?

Why wouldn't you be?

I will be. I don't get it.

It's just that sometimes, you
know, people growing up, they...

They have a mum and dad and then
they have other mums and dads.

You know? There's
an African proverb -

it takes a village to raise a child.
I'm going to live in a village?

No, you're not going
to live in a village.

You're going to live with
me. That's what I'm saying.

I'll always be there for you.
I don't want you to worry.

I wasn't worried. Spence!

I have to go, Dad. Steve's
laying out the curries.

Curries?! Plural?

Let's chat later. But remember, I'll
always be your dad and not Steve.

HE SIGHS

WHISTLE

CHEERING

Great goal, Spence.

Spence!

Great goal, Spence. Let's
go and make a curry.

Spencer!

I love you, Dad.

DISTORTED: Spencer!

Hey, Spencer.

Curry a la Steve.

That's Dad's mug. Steve's
just borrowing it, Spence.

Tuck in.

That's Dad's old chair.

Come on, Spence. I could sit
on the floor if you like.

I lived in Japan for five years

and they say it's actually
better for the digestion.

CLAIRE CHUCKLES

Spence is just joking,
aren't you, Spence?

Good one.

I promise we'll
have fun later, OK?

How about after tea,
as a special treat,

I let you play your computer
again while we do our work?

So you like the
computer games, eh?

Well, when we're done, you could
show me the coolest ones, eh?

What is it? Game Boys? Yeah?

Pokemon? Something like that?

Hmm? Minions?

Minions? Minions, yeah.

I've been hearing a lot about
Ariana Grande. Is that a thing?

I need to go to the toilet.
I'll take that as a yes.

How's the curry? Yeah,
it's... It's delicious.

I say curry - curry
isn't really a thing.

It's actually... It's a catch-all
term for various different, erm,

cuisines from all over
the Indian subcontinent.

Do you have the July projected?
Yeah. Scroll to the right.

Court, erm... There's something
that I wanted to talk to you about.

There's really no point. He's
going to be back in a second.

You're not going to believe this.
He's not just doing her a curry,

he's doing a full
f*cking set menu.

He's probably handing her a hot,
moist towelette as we speak.

You need to calm down. Stop
catastrophizing it, all right?

Maybe he's just an
amazing f*ck buddy.

The thought of Claire having sex
with other men doesn't bother me.

It bothers me a little bit. It makes
me feel a bit sicky in my mouth.

I'm actually thinking about
Spencer. What do you mean, Spencer?

What if Claire meets someone,
settles down in this new family unit

with a role model for Spencer that's
better than this absolute shambles?

Hang on a minute, Spencer has
already got enough parents.

I mean, he's got
you, Claire, Dan, me.

Yeah, and what if he wants to
go and live with Super Dad?

That's not going to happen,
is it? I mean, who even is he?

That's the point, isn't
it? I have no clue.

Well, you need to go and find
out. Don't you stand there.

We can't just leave Spencer with
some old man. I mean, men are awful.

All right, this is all going a bit
too far, I think. What can I do?

Put your big boy pants on, go
round there and check him out.

This is mental. Really? Yes, that's
what you need to do, Jonathan. Go.

All right. I'll
be back in a bit.

Courtney, did you just say that
you were one of Spencer's parents?

No. I was just trying
to get rid of him.

Mm.

So you just take off the
actual cost from the projected.

It's where you find the difference.
You move it into this third column.

You're a bit of a hero, aren't you,
Steve? It's just a cost report.

Yeah, but you know what they
say, it's the way you do 'em.

Oh, hey, Scott.

Oh, is it Steve? Whatever!

Have you not got any
kids of your own?

Is that why you decided to
come and steal one of mine?

Claire, I know you're only being
nice so I get this report done.

Oh, that's...

That's not why.

I like you. I... I
think you're great.

Sure.

And then I'll do the cost
report and then I'll go back to

being alone, just
practising my curry recipes.

No.

No, that's...

I... I'll definitely
talk to you...

We've got... We'll have so much to
talk about anyway now because...

All the curry and...

Don't be on your own.

I'm going to, erm... I'm just
going to check on Spencer.

Cool.

Oh, yeah, have I introduced
you to my friend Crumble?

That's Crumble and
your face is Custard.

What does that even mean?

Huh? You mug!

You... What's that, Steve?

Do you want some tea putting
in you? Cos you're a mug!

Huh?

I'll take your handle
and smash it off you,

then smash the rest
of you to the floor.

And there'll be...

tea everywhere. Prick!

Come on, Jonathan.
You've got this.

You can do it. You've
got this, mate.

You've got this.

Absolutely not. You
don't have this at all.

Spence!

I'm finished.

Spence!

Spencer, answer me...

Spence?

Spencer, where are you?

Spence, are you...?
Are you in here?

Spencer! OK, this isn't funny.

Spence!

Spencer!

Spencer, come out right now!

Steve, I can't find
Spencer. Spencer!

Steve, I still can't find him.

Will you stop looking in f*cking
drawers, Steve?! He's not a mouse!

Righto, yeah, fair
cop, fair cop. Erm...

Maybe you should call Jonathan.
Oh, right, yeah. Yeah.

Jonathan, are you with Spencer?

He's gone missing.

I need you to come
over... Yes, now, please!

DOOR CLOSES Spencer?

How did you...? I just
happened to be passing.

I don't care. I'm
just glad you're here.

I can't find him anywhere,
Jonathan. What have I done?

Look, don't worry. Have
you checked the bedroom?

Oh, no! I didn't think
to check the bedrooms!

OK. What about the safe place?

The safe place? Yeah. It's possible
you don't know about the safe place.

It's just this place he goes to shut
out the world when he's feeling...

Well, where is it?! I'll
show you. I'll show you.

Spencer? Spencer,
you in here, mate?

Dad? Spencer.

Oh, thank God. Spencer,
I was so worried.

What are you doing
hiding in a cupboard?

I don't want Steve to be my dad.

What?! What are
you talking about?

I may have projected a little.

Oh, sweetie, come here.

Steve is not going to
replace your dad, OK?

We - by we, I mean your dad -
should not have made you worry.

I didn't mean to scare
you. Oh, it's all right.

Why would you hide
in the cupboard?

Dad used to.

No, he didn't.

Did you?

Oh! Just to clarify, it was
only now and again, you know,

when I wanted a bit of peace and
quiet, and you sort of sit there

and you think... You
just want to shut the...

Oh. God.

Spence, you're
not me. Thank God!

Thank you.

Spence, you don't need to hide in a
cupboard. Remember what I told you.

You're a superhero.

Sorry to interrupt. Feels
like a bit of a family moment.

You're Steve? As I live
and breathe. Right.

OK. Erm, well, sorry about all
this. You know what kids are like.

No.

I live alone. Oh, OK. Yeah.

I'll leave you to it.
Catch you tomorrow.

I've finished that
report. Oh, thanks, Steve.

Thanks. Nice to meet you, mate.

Good bloke, that Steve.

This is nice. I know.

Who'd have thought it would be more
romantic without your brother here?

Sorry. What? What's the matter?

I can't stop thinking
about Spencer.

Oh, God! Yeah, I know.

You know how to k*ll a
mood. I just hope he's OK.

You really care about
him, don't you? No.

Yeah. I mean, a bit.

So, I was thinking, and I know that
we said that they weren't for us,

but how would you
feel if we had...

a dog? for Spencer?

No, for me and you. Something we
could love and look after together.

Seriously?

Yeah.

I f*cking hate dogs.
They sh*t everywhere.

Goodnight, Courtney.

What?

That's it? Yeah. Are we
going to go sleep now? Mm-hm.

I'm not thinking about
Spencer any more.

So, erm...

what were you doing
loitering outside my house?

Well, technically our
house, but, erm...

to be honest, I was
worried about you.

You seemed a bit flustered when
you dropped Spence off earlier.

Oh, really? You picked up on
that? Don't be so surprised.

Well, yeah, I mean, to be honest,
I am sort of struggling a bit.

I'm just absolutely drowning
in work and I just...

I had this big report today
before my week with Spence

and I just basically
tried combining the two

and it was a total disaster.

I don't know, I just feel
like I can't balance things

and I'm just letting
him down, but...

I don't know, everything's just
been so much harder since...

You know. Yeah, I know.

But, look, we can...
We can work it out.

We can work out times that suit
you better. It's fine. Thank you.

But don't think I've forgotten the
fact that our son was just hiding

in a cupboard shouting, "I
don't want Steve to be my dad."

I know you were jealous.

Well, to be fair, at that point,
I didn't know what he looked like.

I don't mean it like that. He seemed
like a very nice guy, but just...

We're operating at the same kind
of level, aren't we? Kind of un...

f*ck?

Unthreatening. Unthreatening.
No, no, unthreatening is...

Yeah. Yes, that's right.
That's right, too.

They both work, don't they?

One of them is a lot more
horrible than the other.

But the point is, if you want
to know about my love life,

I'd rather you just asked me.

Yeah, I know, and I'm sorry.

So what is going on with your
love life? None of your business.

My love life is none of your business.
You haven't got a love life. Dan told me.

She's got a big mouth for a
therapist, hasn't she, my sister?

Am I forgiven? You're an idiot.

I suppose it was quite sweet
that you were jealous of Steve.

Although wrong, because
we're not together any more.

No, sure. Sure. Yeah.

I'm going to go check on Spence.

This curry really is incredible.
Yeah, it's absolutely delicious.

I think I'm actually going to miss
it more than I will do Spencer.

Hey, mate. Mum's going to come
up and read to you in a minute

but I just thought I'd
come and say goodnight.

Is everything all right
with you and Mum and Steve?

Yeah. Look, I'm sorry about
all that drama and silliness.

It's all my fault.

Well, 98% my fault.

I could have done with
slightly better intel on Steve.

You had me thinking that
Mum had Idris Elba round.

Sorry about telling
Mum about the cupboard.

Don't worry about it, OK? The
good thing about low self-esteem,

there's less embarrassment.

Goodnight, mate.

Dad. Yeah?

Steve was a total nerd and I
absolutely hated his curry.

The curry was incredible, wasn't
it? Best thing I've ever tasted.

OK. Goodnight.

♪ All the snow has
turned to water

♪ Christmas days
have come and gone

♪ Broken toys and faded colours

♪ Are all that's left
to linger on... ♪