01x01 - Farewell

[bunniefuu]

Right now, now

Now

Right now

Soon the Earth

may dissolve like smoke

We'll meet again in the air

All bound to glow

Now

Now

Right now

Now

Right ♪

(ELECTRONIC BLEEP)

Mm, late capitalism!

And the rest of it.

Well, I don't care

if this ship is sinking,

so long as someone goes down on me!

(GASPS) Oh, hi!

Hi!

Although I think we mean "bye"!

OK, so that's where we're at?

Sashay away? Or shantay, you stay?

Oh, I am going. I'm going.

I leave tomorrow.

Ow!

Aw!

Takes more than a pesky pandemic

to shut you down.

Where are you?

Oh, he's getting me toilet paper.

I'm TRYING to get us

some toilet paper.

So far, I've been

to three Coles, one IGA.

This is the worst episode

of Supermarket Sweep ever.

Poor Soph. You OK?

Yeah.

Immune-compromised and k*lling it.

Have you finished your packing?

Well, I'm very bad at it.

So, you know,

I can't have a big night.

Lies! If you're not throwing up

on the flight tomorrow,

I'll consider this a fail.

Yeah, I'm pretty surprised

they're letting you go.

They can't stop people

from travelling.

Yeah, but have you been

listening to the news?

Maddie's brain's been

on airplane mode.

Mm, can we just stop talking about

this corona thing for one second

and please celebrate the fact

that I'm going to Korea?

Korea!

Korea! ♪

This time tomorrow, I'm gonna be

sitting in my very own office,

eating a bibimbap like a boss b*tch.

I can't believe they're trusting you

with an office.

(LAUGHS) I can't believe

you're smoking inside.

How 2009 of me.

But after the fire

in the kitchen, girl?

"Kitchen" is an aggressive word,

and I wouldn't call it a fire.

Just a minor combustion?

How's Liza gonna live

without you, hm?

She asked me to do all this stuff

in the house before I go,

like, "Defrost the fridge,

"pick out your hairs

from the drain of the shower."

What the f*ck?

Ugh, gross!

Hey, where's Rob?

Oh, girl, catch up!

They're over! Whoo!

Uh, well, not entirely, um

No, I thought you were doing

long-distance, Maddie.

Madhuri Mishra

..you did break up with him

last night, didn't you?

Well, I mean, you know,

"long-distance" is like

a polite break-up.

No!

No.

You don't see each other. Sometimes,

you call, the occasional email.

It's break-up-ish.

No "ish".

Fizzle, not a bang.

Not a thing, OK?

Do it before you leave.

Don't be a p*ssy.

Uh, Rams, it's 2020.

You can't call someone that.

Oh, wait, why are you being a p*ssy?

Uh, he wants me to break up

with Rob before I go.

Oh, I thought you were doing

the long-distance fizzle thing.

Thank you! Presenting to you Isabel.

Not a thing, OK?

What are you gonna do?

f*ck three times on FaceTime

and then ghost him?

Oh, you know, maybe.

Sounds like a good play.

Oh, hi. Hi, Glenn.

Everyone, this is Glenn, my boss.

Hey.

CHILD: Mummy!

Boss, this is everyone.

Oh, the neoliberal poobah

who sacked an entire department

and called it

the Valentine's Day m*ssacre.

Mm-hm!

Creative destruction.

This is impressive, Maddie.

CHILD: Play with me.

Using just initiative, you built an

online bar for these strange times.

Glenn, please don't say,

"Strange times."

Sorry. Arlo!

Very impressive.

Relationships manager by day,

side hustling as a coder by night.

I mean, I didn't code it.

No, no, she's a regular Turing.

Test her.

Mm.

You should sell this

to Google, Maddie.

Mm, and maybe

you should call it Zoom.

OK, I'm gonna count to three.

That's one

You should take this to market.

I'm serious.

You know, this is exactly the kind

of ask-for-forgiveness-

not-permission attitude

we're gonna miss

when you're in Seoul.

Oh, I Sorry. That's two!

Sorry, guys.

Uh what happens at three?

Oh, she waterboards him.

Whatever it takes.

Look, I'm just glad that we were

able to have a virtual farewell

and that the government hasn't

regulated us out of that yet.

Oh, f*ck!

What?

(GASPS) No tempeh!

It's the end times.

It's bullshit.

I mean, where did the whole bushfire

"let's look after

each other" sh*t go?

Don't worry about it. You know,

I've got enough for tonight.

No, I'm not gonna stand by

while you wipe your arse

with a KFC refresher towel!

I gonna try Aldi.

Yeah.

But please don't touch anything.

Nah, don't worry about corona.

Only affects boomers

and sick people.

And who needs

the sick people, right?

Exactly.

Survival of the fittest.

Speaking of which,

let's get into this.

I made a video.

No, no, no! We said no speeches.

Amazing.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

We meet here at this

..this online bar

..in an hour of change

and challenge

..in a decade of hope and fear

Hang on, is he plagiarising

JFK's moon speech?

What's the moon speech?

Well, it would this.

No, but this is his TEDx speech.

(ELECTRONIC BLEEP)

If not now, when the f*ck?

And, Maddie, why choose to branch

out into the East Asian market?

Why choose to send you,

our brightest

and most brilliant spark,

to South Korea

to be the partnerships manager

for one of the finest travel

start-ups the world has yet to see?

We choose to go to the moon,

not because it's easy

There it is.

..but because it's hard.

So, let's go.

But let's go off own steam, OK?

No government regulators holding

my d*ck or your d*ck in their hands.

We're not f*cking babies.

OK, thanks, Glenn

Don't need our mums to braid

our hair. No f*cking handouts!

No.

Right?

Nothing is gonna stop

entrepreneurs like us

from holding our dicks in our hands,

especially not old people.

These f*cking boomers.

Maddie?

Yep.

This is your golden ticket, OK?

Do not Veruca Salt this.

That's a Willy Wonka reference.

f*ck, Ramsay's gonna be so pissed

that he missed this.

No, no, it's OK.

I'll send you my TEDx video.

It's all there.

Oh, yes.

Oh, wait.

Yes, please.

Sorry. Hang on, I gotta take this.

It's Singapore.

(MOCKINGLY) "Sorry, I gotta

take this. It's Singapore."

(LAUGHS) Look.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, Maddie?

Yes?

Are you and Rob really over?

Uh

I don't know.

I don't know what I want.

Oh, I know what I want.

I wanna f*ck a fully grown man.

Yes, you do.

Oh, hang on.

Why is your boss wearing no pants?

(CHUCKLES)

Uh, because it is Glenn.

But Rob, you know, he's such

a nice guy. Is that the problem?

(TRILLS)

No, she's got the ick.

I don't have the ick.

OK.

You broke out in hives

when he suggested

you bundle your phones

into a family plan.

That was an allergic reaction

to my toner.

OK, let's be honest. He's a rebound

that overstayed his welcome.

No, that's not true.

I mean, we've been dating for a year.

Rebounds are, by definition,

very little.

Yeah, OK, so, why don't you do

long-distance?

I mean, if I have listen

to one more episode of The Daily

What the f*ck's The Daily?

Oh, it's Rob's favourite podcast.

Are you serious?

Hi, I'm Michael Barbaro.

Ugh, he's just so,

like, consistent

..and kind, actually.

So, not like Dylan?

Uh

f*ck Dylan.

And his daughter, Maya.

She is f*ck' crazy.

The other day, I woke up

as she was spitting on my face,

like actual saliva

in my actual eyeball

and some weird

'We Need to Talk About Kevin' sh*t.

But she's a child.

She's a dictator.

She's a mini Mussolini.

She hates me. She just hates me.

Well, she doesn't hate you.

She probably hates you.

Thank you.

Is!

What?!

OK, look, you just you don't

really have a kid vibe, Mads.

CHILD: Mum!

Oh, my God!

OK, that is it.

(CHILD CRIES)

Sorry, guys. Bedtime.

(LAUGHS) OK, just

But don't wait until

the f*ck' airport, OK?

That's gonna really f*ck up

our WhatsApp group.

I get the WhatsApp group

in the break-up, thank you very much.

Yeah, well, I'll make

that decision later.

OK?

f*ck!

(LAUGHS)

Glenn?

Your phone's broken, mate.

Is everything alright?

Hey, Glenn?

Hey, what's happening, boss?

Singapore just closed

our Austro-Asia branch.

They're spooked about corona.

Oh, f*ck, the boomers

and the sick people,

they're ruining this for everyone!

Exactly. g*dd*mn it!

Yeah, but what about Korea?

Like, we're still good in Korea,

right?

Oh, I'm sorry. We're f*cked.

They're pausing

all operations in Asia.

But, Glenn, you know,

we shouldn't just give up.

Like, what about the moon? You said

we were going to the moon.

Yeah, that shuttle has sailed.

(INHALES DEEPLY) OK, well, uh

..I better go ask HR

to fire 43 people

before I have to tell them

they don't have jobs anymore.

Hey, Maddie, um

..huge favour.

Do you think you could, um

f*ck off, Glenn.

(KEYBOARD KEYS CLACK)

(ELECTRONIC BLEEP)

He fired her? That's so f*cked up.

How you going?

I'm golden.

Mm.

Totally golden.

Wait, so, are you still

going to Korea?

Ooh Just ask Liza

if you can stay.

Don't mention the fire!

It wasn't a f*cking fire, OK?

OK. When do you have to move out?

Tomorrow.

Do you know what?

I'm just gonna call Liza.

She loves me.

And that chick that's moving in,

the German one,

she plays the trumpet, so

Cool. Well, just tell her

you'll up the rent by 10%.

Dude, she just lost her job.

Oh, yeah.

Hmm

(RING TONE)

(SCOTTISH ACCENT) Contender Maddie

steps up for the fight of her life.

(LAUGHS)

(SCOTTISH ACCENT)

Settling quickly into a rhythm

Oh, there we go,

complimentary laugh.

Classic Maddie move.

Who can say she doesn't have

great technique?

There may be some off-field issues

that may come back

to haunt her today.

The "we did not call it a fire"

house fire penalty.

(ALL CHUCKLE)

And how will she navigate this

extremely competitive rental market?

Oof.

(ELECTRONIC BEEP)

Well, that looked, um

you know, constructive.

Oh, it was.

We're not compatible.

Well, why don't you just ask

if you can stay with Rob?

No!

Vote Rob off the island already!

No, Rob has, uh his house is like

pretty much

a Grand Designs wet dream.

Ugh, f*ck the patriarchy!

Oh, yes, lean in, Sheryl Sandberg.

You know what?

I'm gonna be fine.

That's right.

I'm gonna work this out.

It's gonna be fine.

Yep, totally.

Yep.

Maddie?

You got this.

Maddie, can you hear me?

Dad?

Ah-ha-ha-ha! Madhuri!

Dad, where are you?

Your mother and I are on

our coastal jaunt.

Look, first stop, Batemans Bay.

It's lovely, huh?

Very beautiful, very nice.

Well, Dad, have you been watching

the news recently?

When are you flying out?

Is it today, tomorrow?

Your mother can't remember anything.

It was tomorrow.

What is it, Madhuri?

Articulate. (SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE)

Tell me.

The job is not going ahead.

Oh, no.

I told you, no?

I told you she would Maddie this up.

I didn't Maddie this up!

It's a global pandemic!

Yes, yes, it's always something,

always something.

What was it

when you dropped economics?

Oh, I don't know, an aha moment.

Aha moment.

And then when you went off

to bloody Brisbane

Coming of age?

Dad, this is really not my fault.

No, no, never your fault.

It's really not.

Oh, Ramsay, is that you?

Hi, Vijay.

Oh, the extra weight

really suits you, Ramsay.

It's very nice. How is your mother's

treatment coming along?

Yeah, she's fine. Thank you.

Oh, very good, very good.

OK, Dad, I'm gonna have to come

and stay with you guys

until this whole corona thing

blows over.

Oh, Maddie, you know

we love it when you come home.

We love it.

Great.

But you can't.

We've given the house out on Airbnb.

What?

Six months!

Yes, nice Norwegian couple.

Listen, both women. (CHUCKLES)

Ooh, risque.

What are you even talking about?

Madhuri, do you ever read our texts?

Your mother and I are

on the road until August.

We wanted to get out here

and spread out wings

and rub shoulders with the locals.

Mind you, yesterday we had

the worst oyster Kilpatrick

Vijay, you're breaking up.

Even a local cafe has to have

a minimum standard, doesn't it?

You see, I'll give them

a blistering, blistering Yelp re

OK.

I am going to get my cards

because we need to do a reading.

First they came for the two-ply,

and we did nothing.

But what are they

going to DO with it?

You know, like, eat it?

f*ck.

OK.

So, everybody, close your eyes.

(LAUGHTER IN THE BACKGROUND)

Think positive thoughts.

Think of a beam of light.

Will you guys shut the f*ck up?!

Arlo is sleeping!

So, think of the beam of light

coming out of your head.

You're walking on the beam

Oh, sh*t.

Morrison's announced a lockdown.

Am I still walking

on the beam of light?

ScoMo's speech,

that does not even make sense.

What, five people to a wedding,

but 10 people can go for a run?

What does that even mean?

It means we're all f*cked.

Arggh!

I feel like my life is packed away

No, I'm packed away

in one of these boxes,

and no-one knows where to find me.

OK, today has been bad enough.

We do NOT need to add

a spoken-word component.

Oh, sh*t. What about the bar?

Oh, yeah, we've still got the bar.

No, my bar where I work.

How will I pay rent?

OK, Rams, everybody,

let's just do the tarot reading

because, you know,

maybe the universe

is trying to tell us something.

Why didn't the universe

predict this clusterfuck?

You know what, maybe we need

a system where we pay people

to find out about the news

and then they tell us about it,

and we could call it "the news".

Are we ready?

I'm ready.

Alright, I'm gonna pop

into the bar.

Soph, I'll check

if they have any TP left.

Thank you.

OK, so, think positive thoughts.

Think about the card.

The universe always has a reason.

OK.

Isabel!

(LAUGHS)

It's OK, because death can

often signify new beginning

Look, I'm not a believer,

but that was strangely accurate.

If Mother Universe

doesn't wanna cooperate,

it is time to turn

to pharmaceuticals.

Ooh, yeah. Zoloft?

Paxin.

Valium?

Maddie, can you hear me?

Can't see you. I'm on my phone.

Maddie?

Uh

I can hear you and see you.

Um, sorry. It was crazy today.

I missed your calls and, um

Yeah, I'm not going

to Korea anymore.

Yeah, I heard ScoMo's speech.

Right, yeah.

This sucks.

Um

So, I was, um thinking

that you and I should, um

you know

..maybe we could

..level up

level up in our relationship.

Success!

Who's that?

No, nothing.

That was just a YouTube video

playing. That's weird.

(SIGHS)

But like I was saying, you know,

all these people might die, right?

I mean, did you hear

that podcast about Italy?

I sent that to you.

Did you listen to it?

Well, no, but apparently things

are very, very bad over there.

You know, this corona thing

has really put things in perspective.

So, what are you saying, Mads?

I think we should move in together.

Well, I think

I should move in with you

'cause you're so consistent

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

..and you've got a really big house

and all that smart house stuff set up

and the weighted blankets.

And you have room for Maya.

I thought you found

the Maya stuff hard.

I do, I do.

I mean, but that's OK, you know.

Because

..you can coach me,

can't you, Coach?

Right.

To be honest,

I thought we were doing

the long-distance,

fizzle-out break-up.

(RAMSAY AND SOPHIE ARE MUTED)

Uh, no, I would never ever

do that to you.

Maddie, look, the reality is

I have to put Maya first.

Just you sleeping over,

that was a huge thing.

So, if you move in,

we have to make it work.

Yeah, of course. I'll make it work.

Are you sure you want this?

All I want is to listen to The Daily

in bed with you tonight.

Ooh, are you propositioning me?

Oh, you know, little threesome

with you, me, and Michael

..Barbaro.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)

I can't believe I'm actually

gonna say this, but, um

..maybe we could even look into

bundling our phone plans.

Really? 'Cause that's gonna

double our data.

(LAUGHS)

I mean

..I'm in, if you're really in.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm in.

Alright, then,

let's throw in together.

Are you packed? I'll see you soon.

I'm just on the Story Bridge.

Yes!

Hey, you do not not wanna be

isolating alone.

You know, consistent,

that's A+ in this pandemic.

B- at best.

You are gonna regret this

in the morning.

Oh, you know what?

Rob's great. He's great.

He's absolutely

He's great.

Who's Rob?

(GASPS)

Dylan?

Am I having an acid flashback?

Yo!

Hello to you, too.

Yes, Dildo!

Finally, some good news!

What the f*ck are you doing here?

I'm just enjoying a crisp London

pandemic with some old friends.

Well, and how did you

find out about us?

Ramsay sent it to me

in the WhatsApp chat.

And then, couple of nights later,

I had a dream about Dreiber Street,

and I couldn't stop thinking

about you guys, so

Oh, really? And did you pay rent

in this dream?

Or was it a bit more true-to-life?

Uncool. Australia's

least favourite vagetarian.

Ah, slow your roll, straight boy.

She goes by "lesbetarian" now.

Right, well, Sophie wasn't in it.

It was just me and Madhuri.

And the whole place was underwater

and we were swimming

through the hallways

and into the rooms.

And your old cat was in it.

What was Oh, far out.

The one that died?

Persia.

Persia. That's right.

So, she was swimming

in front of us

up and down the stairs

and all over the place.

And then she took a massive sh*t

in the water,

but we just kept on swimming

right through it.

And then, for some reason,

we started eating that sh*t.

Mm-hm.

And then I woke up.

(LAUGHS)

You're a f*ck.

Well, ghost cat sh*t or not,

uh Dreiber Street reunion!

Whoo! Virtual share house! Ahh!

Uh, no, get that out

of your virtual f*cking mind.

So, look,

I'm just outside your house,

so I'm gonna drop your toilet

tickets downstairs, alright?

(MADDIE LAUGHS)

Thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

Rough day?

Uh something like that.

Mm.

Well, you'll be OK, kid.

Ugh, OK, so

Dylan!

Oh

..the death card.

Turn the radio on

Drop a long kong song

When the lights come on

We slay the beast and we eat

It's not about you

I'mma kick

your arse

I'mma kick

your arse

I'mma kick

your arse

If you don't

drop the facade

I said I'll hit

the mark on the head

I said I'll bring you back

from the dead

I did all that

while you were in bed

And still had time

To set the next trend

It's not about you

Shut up!

It's not about me either

I am my sister's keeper.