01x02 - Submarine

[bunniefuu]

Singapore just close

our Austra-Asia branch.

They're spooked about corona.

We've still got a career, right?

Morrison's announced a lockdown.

(SCREAMS)

Why don't you just ask

if you can stay with Rob?

He's just so, like, consistent.

So, not like Dylan?

So what are you saying, Mads?

I think we should move in together.

I'm in. If you're really in.

Who's Rob? (LAUGHS)

Dylan?

You'll be OK, kid.

(ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

(QUIETLY) Sorry, everyone.

Maya just needs her, um

Oh, yeah.

(ALL SIGH, PANT)

You guys look great, by the way.

Bye.

(LAUGHS)

OK. OK. From the top.

Right now, now

Now

Right now

Soon the earth

may dissolve like smoke

We'll meet again in the air

All bound to glow

Now

Now

Right now

Now

Right ♪

(GAGS)

(SIGHS)

(CAMERA CLICKS)

OK.

Dude!

I know. I know. I know.

(GAGS)

Are you baking?

Dying. I'm dying.

Why did we get so drunk last night?

OK, number one rule

in the pandemic - did we forget?

It is don't drink and sext.

I wasn't sexting, OK?

I was genuinely concerned.

London is a hotspot.

Yeah, OK, what are you doing?

I'm making hand sanitiser.

(GIGGLING)

Ohh! Maya downloaded this game

on my computer and

Soph, I know, I know she's a child,

but she was on my computer.

What? No. She's cancelled.

Yeah. I don't want her to see

my pictures. Or her dad's.

Oh, yeah, I wonder

if she'd recognise his d*ck!

Shhh!

And don't get me started on Pawpaw.

She takes him everywhere.

He's a walking vector.

COVID, SARS, syphilis -

it's got it all.

I'm disinfecting it

while she's at her mum's.

Why did I send those messages?

Well, look, don't worry. People are

doing weird sh*t during COVID.

2am Maddie is a nightmare.

2am Maddie is the best!

Oh, Mads, don't stress. You're fine.

Really?

Say you've been hacked.

It works every time.

Yeah, yeah.

It worked for Centrelink.

Mmm. E-crime is on the rise

during COVID.

"E-crime"?

Yes, we'd better get the e-police

onto it.

"In a global pandemic,

e-crimes are especially heinous."

Pandemic, shmandemic.

It is just a flu

OK, if you say

it is just a flu, Is,

I swear to God, you know what, I'm

gonna e-crime the f*ck out of you.

Guys, he's been online

and he hasn't replied.

He's an actual psychopath.

Yeah, he's the crazy one. (SIGHS)

You were hacked.

The least he can do is reply.

Yeah, but she wasn't hacked.

Look, I get it!

He's fun, f*cked up, hot

AND he cooks.

I mean, he's the rarest Pokemon

of them all.

This isn't helping, OK?

Guys, what if he died?

What? London is a hot mess

right now.

OK. Let's do our iso lists.

Yes! Yes. Thank you, Isabel!

(SOPHIE GROANS)

The list.

What list?

The other night, they made a list

of all the things they were gonna

achieve during lockdown.

(GROANS)

Well, we can't just get drunk

every night.

Oh, we can, and we will!

OK, I made the sanitiser today,

so, tick.

I ordered my coffee machine

yesterday.

I haven't done

the Deepak Chopra meditation,

but I did sort the Pawpaw sitch.

What the f*ck?

Don't ask.

God, healthy people's obsession

with productivity during lockdown

is so amateur.

Maybe I'll buy an Apple Watch.

Oh, my God, get back to me when you

have been in bed for three months

and you have finished

Candy Crush - twice.

"OnlyFans". Is

Oh. Maybe I'll buy a fan.

Hey, no, that's not

what OnlyFans is.

Well, I'm gonna make a list too.

Yes!

Of all the things I'm missing out on

in lockdown.

Oh! We had Patti Smith coming up!

Top of the list.

And tonight, I should be

grinding on strangers at poof doof,

touching randos indiscriminately

and licking doorknobs.

Victor Hugo wrote Les Mis

during the plague.

I mean, the least I can do

is get abs.

Or an ab.

Or an ab roller.

Buying things online isn't the same

as writing a revolutionary classic

that will be turned into a musical

and then later slaughtered

by Hollywood actors

who want to win an Oscar, OK?

Alright, well, Victor Hugo

wasn't a single parent

with a three-year-old that woke him

up at 5am every morning, OK?

OK.

Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no. f*ck.

You alright there,

little boy from The Secret Garden?

Um, Trump just said that

hydroxychloroquine can cure COVID.

Hydroxychloro-queen!

Which season is she on again?

Um, yeah, it's just

it's one of my medications,

so, um, yeah, I'd better go

before it sells out.

OK.

Ohh!

Le Creuset is having a sale.

Oh, I miss my threading lady.

Guys, why did I send Dylan

those messages?

When did we become so boring?!

(GROANS)

You know who isn't boring?

2am Maddie.

Close. 20-something Maddie.

My favourite edition.

Yeah. Peak Maddie.

So you 'you up?'d Dylan online

a couple of times.

Would 20-something Maddie even care?

Yeah, five messages, sh**t me.

Four times if you don't come emojis.

Let's have some fun tonight!

Take your mind off it all.

You only get to die

in a pandemic once.

I mean, I guess it's been a while

since we've had a blow-out.

Years.

(SIGHS)

And, you know, Sophie's right.

COVID is way more stressful

than we give it credit for.

I think a big night

could be medicinal.

Therapeutic.

What's happening?

MADDIE AND RAMSAY: Submarine?

Lockdown submarine!

(PLAYS AIR HORN SOUND)

(LAUGHS) Really?

I mean, why not?

I guess my parents can

look after Arlo tonight.

Hey! Whoop-whoop!

ALL: Submarine!

SONG: I shoulda done X with you

We coulda left this club at two

I coulda shut my mouth

and ran with you

We'd have woken up

with a different view ♪

Hola!

Ooh!

Noice.

Hola, mi amores!

(LAUGHS) Hey!

What are you guys up to?

ALL: Submarine!

Cool! What's a submarine?

I told you about these. It's when

we block out all the light and

Take all the drugs and everyone

has to guess what time it is

before we check if the sun is up.

And whoever's closest

wins what dignity is left.

Let the best man win.

Everyday sexism! Whoo!

Hey, you have to do it with us.

Yes!

Yeah!

Sorry, guys. Can't have a big one.

It's Tuesday.

Damn.

Oh, I've got a mediation at 8am.

Grow up!

Let the Hunger Games begin.

sh*t!

What?

I don't have any drugs.

Ah.

Me neither.

Do you know any dealers in Brisbane?

Are you telling me that for

two years you've been living there,

you haven't done anything?

Yeah. I mean no.

I mean, you know, like, I only knew

work people when I moved up here.

Oh. Dylan was always your hook-up.

What? I'm just saying he'd know

a dealer in Brisneyland for sure.

I'm not gonna find any drugs

in butt-f*ck Bendigo.

Not true. Regional Victoria

is full of ice.

Oh.

Where do you get ice from?

Train station?

Oh OK, you know what?

I can't I can't ask Dylan.

Dude, I was joking.

I know.

(GASPS) Oh, sh*t! My parents!

They have hash cookies. Yes!

MADDIE AND RAMSAY: Really?

Wish my parents were old hippies.

No, you don't.

Then you'd have to become

a bloodsucking lawyer to rebel.

I heard that!

So, are dealers delivering still?

Yep. Reuban, my guy,

is all about it.

Two weeks ago, he transitioned

to contact-free delivery.

Gloves, the whole thing.

I need a Reuban. Where's my Reuban?

In London,

leaving your arse on read.

WOMAN: Isabel, what are you doing

OK, we need to turn our phones off

and disable the time.

Why? I mean, that's part of

the whole appeal, right?

They're my cookies! Come back here!

I'm just taking one!

And our computers. I don't remember

this being so much work.

You can't take whatever you want!

You're not the boss of me!

(SNORTS)

(LAUGHS) Success!

Whoa. OK. Change of pace.

Submarine!

Yeah, it escalated very quickly.

Did you find your hydro-euro-queen,

or whatever it is?

Yeah, no, I tried six pharmacies

and they're all out.

What happens if you don't find any?

Uh, I don't know.

Babe, do you want some DMT?

I can send Reuban your way.

No, I've got some Endone.

Oh, he doesn't happen to have

any spare malaria drugs, does he?

Sorry, boo.

Does sick internet have any spare?

No, out.

What's sick internet?

It's the dark web for sick people.

Hey, does sick internet

have any MDMA?

Uh, no. I can probably get you

some ketamine.

But, you know,

mainly we just talk sh*t

about healthy people's

obsession with productivity.

Oh, yeah. Hey. I just wanted

to check if you've got, um

Rob might have some codeine,

actually. Hold on.

Gah! Codeine?!

What's the point in dating

a boring rich guy

if he doesn't even have drugs?

Have you seen his pool?

Ugh! This submarine is

sinking already.

How's your mama?

How's your divorce?

(GROANS)

What's it like isolating alone?

Great. I almost asked the mailman

to move in with me this morning.

Well, I signed up

to Bumble, Hinge and OkCupid.

OkCupid? Do you want to date

someone in 2010?

(BOTH LAUGH)

I mean, Marco hasn't even tried

to FaceTime Arlo since lockdown.

Well, Mum's finished chemo,

but she's not out of the woods yet.

Bam-bam-ba! Brrr-ba-ba! ♪

Uh, darling, that cough syrup's

not gonna do anything for you.

Oh, no! This is the worst episode

of MasterChef ever!

Yeah, nah, but nutmeg,

I think you could snort it.

Mmm, if you're a 10-year-old

on TikTok!

f*ck it. Vodka it is, then.

(GIGGLING)

Oh, sh*t!

This stupid game! Oh, Maya!

(LAUGHS) Maybe you could smoke

some oregan

You're not meant to wear

your scrubs outside.

There she blows!

(SNORTS)

We thought you'd aborted

the submarine.

Uh, no, Rob had to reboot because

Maya put a virus on my computer.

Ow! Coronavirus!

Yeah, that is happening.

Did you get your drugs?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had Endone. I feel great.

No, I mean the hydro-Trump drops.

Oh, God, yeah. Doris from Adelaide,

she's sending me a pack.

Oh! Sick internet for the win!

Oh, she charged me

three times the PBS,

so, yeah, sick people are not immune

to price-gouging.

What's up with Isabel?

Huh? Oh, yeah.

Turns out hash cookies

are not a good idea

when you've been mainlining

news about a pandemic.

Ah. A corona hole.

Yep. Truth hurts.

Is?

Isabel?

Hey, Mads.

Hey. You OK, mate?

Yeah, OK. I mean

..are any of us OK?

I feel great.

I feel very good.

I cannot believe I'm the only one

that's not high.

Do you guys know what's happening

in New York right now?

Oh, wow.

It's all it's really

Really f*cked.

Yeah, really, really f*cked up.

We're just sitting ducks and

there's a tidal wave about to come

and we just

like, we need to brace.

We're Oceanic ducks! Quack!

Y-yeah. OK.

(RAMSAY QUACKS)

Is That's not helping.

But, Is, I need you to look at me.

Into my eyes. Look into my eyes.

Mm-hm.

No more corona talk! OK?

But what kind of friends don't talk

about what we want to talk about?

And what kind of an apple

isn't an apple?

OK, guys, we're in the submarine.

(LAUGHS)

No more talk about corona.

No more talk about Dylan.

We're a very fun,

not depressing at all submarine.

Yeah, yeah, no-one mentioned Dylan.

I wonder what time it is.

7:41!

Rams!

For f*ck's sake,

you just ruined the submarine.

(CHORTLES)

He is so high! We're all so high!

I think we're all gonna die.

Our bodies are just vessels for

our souls. Our souls are forever.

Arlo. He's so young.

And my parents.

I know, babe.

Mum?!

No. Stop it. Stop it

Mum?!

Both of you stop it.

Mum!

Time out. Stop.

(SCREAMS)

Stop it!

WOMAN: What's up, chickadee?

Oh, hi, Isobel's mum.

Hi, Marlena.

Oh! Hello, g*ng!

We've got a situation.

Yeah, she, um, ingested too much

news before she got baked.

Got it.

How many did you eat?

(SOFTLY) Mummy, are we washing

our fruit with soap?

Wait, is that what we're doing now?

Yep!

Me viene da vomitare.

OK. Night's over.

Isabel, say goodbye to your friends.

There's a big wave a-coming.

Something's got to change.

When did things get so complicated?

You know what?

I think that you're remembering

the past as better than what it was.

The systems of distribution

are changing!

You know, they're morphing.

The systems, the systems are

..crumbling!

Uh-uh. It WAS better.

It was easier, it was funner.

20-something Maddie was fun.

This Maddie is disinfecting bears

and writing lists.

I am very sorry

that Dylan didn't respond.

You know what? He's a sh*t dude.

The curtain has fallen!

Here we go!

Look who the essential workers are!

Not the CEOs, the economists,

the bankers!

It's the

it's the Uber Eats drivers.

And the nurses, the checkout chicks,

the stock boys.

Stock boys boys Boys!

Boys

Focus, Rams, focus.

The women! The women, the women,

the women, the women!

The women who get paid f*ck-all

to clean my mum's hospital room

even though she calls them c**ts!

Because apparently cancer doesn't

make you a good person, you know?

Not like in the movies. You know?

All the morning teas,

all the daffodils

..daffodil tea

..ee ee

..tea

..daffodil me.

Modafinil! Ha!

You! Modafinil we!

Modafinil three! Modafinil see

(BOTH GASP)

Rams!

Rams, are you OK?

OK. Comrade Ramsay?

I'm alive!

Oh, hello, friend.

Ooh. What's going on down there?

(LAUGHS) My door snake

is groping me.

Should he go to the hospital?

What? No! That is the worst place

he could be right now.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, how are you travelling, Rams?

Um, my ankle looks weird.

I think.

What did my ankle look like before?

Don't get up!

Don't get up. Um, OK.

Have you got your phone? Just, um,

take a photo, send it through.

Mm-hm.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

It's it's gonna be fine.

Or not.

Whew! OK. He's gonna have to go

to the hospital.

OK, no, can you just pop it back in?

Sophie!

Oh, Maddie! Don't worry.

OK, Rams, it's it's gonna hurt,

but what you need to do

is just grab your ankle and then

just hold it really tight

No, Rams, I'm gonna need you

to go to the hospital, OK?

For us? Can you do that?

(GROANS) Can I bring

Can I bring Snakey?

Ssss-sissy that walk!

Sure.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah.

Why not?

Alright, I'm calling you an Uber

and I want you to call me

when you get to Emergency.

Yeah. Mmm.

Bye-bye.

Bye, beautiful. Love you.

Bye, guyssss

(CHUCKLES) sh*t!

Ohhh! Rams is right, though.

What? Capitalism's crumbling?

No, everything HAS changed.

(SIGHS) Maybe I just

don't want it to.

OK, I think you need to tell Rob.

What?

How you're feeling.

Well, I don't know how I'm feeling.

Hmm, OK, so, Dylan, he comes back,

he says, "I love you,"

and what would you say?

You know, I think

the problem with tonight is

that we're all in different places.

No, our problem with tonight is that

we're all on different drugs.

Are you smoking inside Rob's house?

(SCOFFS)

Submarines used to be so fun.

Is is that smoke?

Soph, I know you hate the smoking.

I hate the smoking.

But sometimes I just want

to smoke, OK?

(FLAMES ROAR)

f*ck!

(GASPS) OK, water!

sh*t!

No, that's vod ka!

Arggh!

(SMOKE ALARM BEEPS)

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

(GASPS)

OK, OK, do you need me

to call Triple 0?

No, no, no! I've got this!

I've got this!

(GROANS, PANTS)

Oh!

I k*lled Pawpaw!

(RESETS SMOKE ALARM)

Oh, OK, um, I'll

I'll check on Ramsay. Bye.

Are you OK?

Yeah, I, um

..I did a very

..I did a very, very bad thing.

Like, a really, really bad thing.

Why? What did you do?

Wow. You really did a number

on him, huh?

I'm so sorry. I'm such a f*ck-up.

I'm really I f*cked up so badly.

I'm a terrible f*cking person.

You're fine. We're fine.

Pawpaw, on the other hand

not so much.

Well, what are we gonna tell Maya?

Nothing.

(GASPS) Pawpaw!

Always have a backup.

(LAUGHS) The best!

(GASPS) You!

Oh, thank you!

Aww!

(LAUGHS)

I'm going to bed. Are you coming?

Uh, yeah!

m*therf*cker.

Mmm! I name

thee Snack.

Snack! (LAUGHS)

Oh, shh.

Someone's watching.

(CACKLES)

Oh, you went there!

You're such a bad b*tch! What is

your Medicare number, by the way?