Don't Come Upstairs (2025)

[bunniefuu]

- This is my goofy brother.

- Duh!

NARRATION: That's me,

12-year-old Mike Lobel.

-Hi, I'm Michael, and I'll be

your host for the evening.

NARRATION: And this

is my family.

MICHAEL: [video]

Say hi, Mom.

-This is Mommy Susie speaking.

MOM: On the surface, we just

appeared to be a normal family.

And we were.

And we are.

I took you to school,

did the groceries.

We had birthday parties for you.

[people singing Happy Birthday

in video]

NARRATION: My little brother,

sister, and I

grew up in Parkdale,

in the heart of Toronto.

My little sister Melanie

was fearless.

MOM: [video]

Be careful!

MELANIE: I wanted to do

the things that you were doing,

and I wanted to do them better.

MICHAEL: Oh, well, it comes out

now for the first time!

NARRATION: My brother Elliot

was shy.

- Say hi.

- Hi.

- Wave.

- Wave.

NARRATION: He was always

really taking everything in.

ELLIOT: I think I was

a pretty goofy kid.

A good kid.

Definitely not rebellious.

NARRATION: I was

the rebellious one.

MOM: Say Merry Christmas.

No...

-Merry Christmas.

NARRATION: I had big feelings

and a lot of energy.

MOM: You were eight when you

somersaulted off the bookcase.

You ended up in the hospital.

NARRATION: I was a handful,

but my mom wouldn't admit it.

MOM: Those were beautiful times.

It was bliss.

ELLIOT: Yeah, it sounds

very normal and nice.

MOM: It was all about

taking care of the kids, for me.

And Dad was responsible for...

um, you know...

[sighs]

[static]

MOM: There would be times

that he was gone and absent.

I couldn't understand

where he was.

ELLIOT: I didn't really

have a very good idea

what my dad did.

MICHAEL: And when people asked,

what did you say?

-Well, that he was

a taxi driver.

ELLIOT: Insurance

was one of them.

MELISSA: He was in

the antique business

and went on the road.

ELLIOT: The stock market.

-Gambling.

Actually, I don't even know

if any of that's true.

MICHAEL: Is it true Dad

worked for a travel magazine?

-No.

ELLIOT: Dad had a drawer

of, like, phones.

MELISSA: We'd be

having family dinner,

a random cell phone

would go off,

some new ringtone.

[phone ringing]

MELISSA: Any point, like,

I looked over, like,

you were kind of just, like,

head down, whatever, don't...

Like, don't

acknowledge anything.

[cell phones ringing]

MELISSA: And Dad

wouldn't flinch.

Like, he wouldn't move.

We were not allowed

to be going upstairs.

There was a Post-It

on the staircase,

and I would get the response,

"Don't come up!

"Don't come up."

NARRATION: We all lived

under the same roof,

but we couldn't tell you

a lot about him.

He just seemed different

than other dads,

in ways we didn't understand,

and still don't.

See, that's the thing...

None of us really know

who Dad is.

[static]

NARRATION: It's taken me

a long time to decide

I want to have children.

- Are you ready?

- Yeah.

NARRATION: I'm afraid of

messing them up.

MIKA: No, it's okay, it's okay.

MICHAEL: Okay, that one's fast.

NARRATION: What kind of father

will I be?

-I love doing this.

NARRATION: When I was 14,

I learned that cameras

don't just record reality.

MICHAEL: [video]

Get outta here, Elliot.

NARRATION: They can change it.

With this accidental cut

right here...

MICHAEL: [video]

Elliot...

NARRATION: I was hooked.

-[coughing]

- [yelling]

- [g*nsh*t sound effect]

NARRATION: I did

what any angsty kid might do...

I started making my own movies.

MICHAEL: [video] In the movie,

I'm gonna be wearing

those shoes,

so it's carefully planned out.

MELISSA: [video] You gotta

bring a knife and ketchup.

[car sound effects]

NARRATION: My brother and sister

were my first film crew.

MICHAEL: [video] Ready?

ELLIOT: [video] Yeah.

MICHAEL: Action.

Ooh, the cat!

NARRATION: I kept trying

to will my toys to life

by filming them.

Little worlds

I could disappear into.

Then eventually,

I disappeared into characters.

When I was 16,

I landed an agent,

and I got to play Jay Hogart

for seven seasons

on "Degrassi:

The Next Generation."

A Canadian success.

It was amazing.

I was doing what I loved to do:

telling stories.

But there was always one story

I always felt I couldn't tell.

My own.

To tell it,

I need my family's help.

[slides clicking]

NARRATION: I'm not sure

I'll get it.

[cell phone ringing]

ELLIOT: [phone]

Hey.

-How's it going, man?

ELLIOT: Good, what's up?

MICHAEL: Not much.

Just, uh, digitizing

some of our old stuff.

ELLIOT: Nice.

MICHAEL: Yeah.

Uh...

I guess my question is,

would you be willing

to sit down on camera,

if I come to Montreal,

to talk about it?

ELLIOT: I don't want

anything to do with it.

MICHAEL: Are you serious?

ELLIOT: Yeah, I'm gonna

be running for office.

[laughs]

MICHAEL: Seriously, though.

ELLIOT: Yeah,

I mean, sure, why not?

You can interview me.

[line trilling]

MICHAEL: Would you and your

husband be cool to talk?

MELISSA: [phone] Yeah, he can't

be associated with it at all.

MICHAEL: And that goes

for the whole family?

MELISSA: Yes, no, you cannot use

my children's faces on it.

MICHAEL: Okay.

MELISSA: Yeah, that's a hard no.

-Got it.

So just you, then?

MELISSA: Just me.

MICHAEL: Okay.

MOM: I think I need to do this.

Something that Dad and I shared

for many years, and only us.

NARRATION: That

just leaves my dad.





MICHAEL: Rolling on A,

rolling on B.

NARRATION: My siblings and I

have never really talked

about our dad's secret.

MICHAEL: What do you think

we're here to talk about today?

-We're here

to talk about my dad.

MICHAEL: How does

that make you feel?

-It makes me feel nervous

talking about this.

NARRATION: I don't expect them

to open up right away.

I didn't tell my wife Mika

about the secret

until just before

we were married.

I was 38 years old.

ELLIOT: I don't know

when that started.

That feeling of like, uh,

you know, trying to be careful.

NARRATION: We all have

our reasons.

When I was ten, I asked my dad

what he did for a living

for a "take your kid to work"

day school project.

He yelled at me.

I never dared ask again.

DAD: [video]

Now you can go run.

NARRATION: But I could tell

something was up.

MELISSA: I knew you were

going through the same thing

that I was going through.

At that moment,

we kind of made it a quest

that we were going to figure out

what our dad did.

I started to recognize mail

that would have

a different name.

I thought that

he was different people.

ELLIOT: The upstairs,

it was not quite finished.

MELISSA: Mom and Dad's ensuite

bathroom that never got done.

-Remember the Jacuzzi?

MELISSA: There was

a roughed-in bathtub.

ELLIOT: It had, like, this wood

on top of it, covering it.

I don't think

I looked under that.

MELISSA: I knew it was something

that we shouldn't know about.

I never really wanted

to snoop so hard,

but I felt like,

"I have to just look."

And I go to lift it up.

I don't know what I saw.

ELLIOT: As a kid,

you kind of absorb this energy

of your surroundings.

NARRATION: We weren't

just absorbing energy.

There was a long list of

instructions we had to follow,

no questions asked.

MOM: [video] I'm serious.

Don't forget.

The safety things

are most important, okay?

Leave the outdoor lights on.

Put the alarm on.

Keep the blinds down.

[doorbell rings]

MELISSA: We had an alarm system,

and that alarm system had

to be kept on all the time.

Not just at night; all day.

ELLIOT: It felt like he was

going a little bit overboard

with details.

ELLIOT: Could I have

asked what he does?

MELISSA: There was a lot of

times that we tried,

and we got shut down.

[children yelling]

MELISSA: Dad could

at times be verbally volatile.

ELLIOT: There's always

that thought of, like, you know,

what if he directs

his anger at me?

NARRATION: When

he was like that,

he could yell and slam doors,

or leave the house in a rage.

MELISSA: I feel like

we were just so programmed.

"Don't acknowledge

what is happening."

Yeah, our friends all knew

what their parents did for work.

But we had no clue.

-And it made me feel

very uncomfortable.

[children singing]

MELISSA: I made something up,

which was the first time

that I lied to protect

myself and my family.

NARRATION: We were taught

to keep our heads down

and our mouths shut.

But I just couldn't do it.

- [people cheering]

- [cameras clicking]

NARRATION: There I was,

on a hit TV show,

drawing attention to myself,

standing in the biggest

possible spotlight,

but I was afraid of

who might be watching.

-I had recurring nightmares.

Mine were about

being taken for ransom.

I don't know

who would be taking me.

NARRATION: For me,

the nightmares started

when I was ten.

I had the same one for 25 years.

I'm a kid, and the front door

of my house is being kicked in.

- [door crashes open]

- [alarm blaring]

[g*n c*ck]

NARRATION: All kids

have nightmares.

They see things

that aren't really there.

But this wasn't our imagination.

It was real.

I found this tape

in my parents' basement.

MICHAEL: Just read

the title for me.

-Oh my God.

[crying]

Okay.

MICHAEL: What does it say?

WOMAN: [video] This is

Melanie Cassandra Lobel.

"Give to police

if either are abducted."

WOMAN: This is

Michael Ryan Lobel.

No birthmarks or scars.

NARRATION: Seeing my sister

like this hits me hard.

My parents thought lying

was the best way to protect us.

My mom doesn't

feel that way anymore.

DAD: But we're doing alright.

MOM: We've lived

in the shadows for so long.

I can't do it anymore.

I can't go to my deathbed with

this shadow hanging over me.

NARRATION: I secretly record

my parents' conversation.

MOM: I've had anxiety my whole

life trying to keep it...

DAD: I understand that,

I understand that.

MOM: under wraps.

And it's k*lled me.

So I want to be free of it.

NARRATION: My dad finally

agrees to an interview...

but on one condition.

The footage stays in his safe

until after he's dead.

MICHAEL: Lights.



MICHAEL: So, if you

were to honestly say

what the title

of your job was...

-Mm-hm.

MICHAEL: What would you say?

"I was a..."?

-I, um...

MICHAEL: What's

the term for that?

MICHAEL: What's

the term for that?

-Drug dealer.

-My dad was a drug dealer.

-If this doesn't put me in jail,

I don't know what will.

NARRATION: My dad told me

the truth a few years ago,

but he swore me to secrecy.

He only told

my siblings recently.

ELLIOT: I forget everything

about the wording,

but I remember he told me.

-I thought, "Okay, this is just,

like, a whole local thing."

I have no concept beyond that.

MICHAEL: How did you

start in the business?

-Well, it's a little fuzzy

about the...

how it... how it came about.

-Yeah.

Um, we're gonna

have to put ourselves back

into those places

that we were in.

-Yeah.

-You know,

I'm giving you permission

to put yourself

in some of those moments.

-But first, you want me

to go through Dante's Inferno?

DAD: Well, your uncle Allan was

in the pot and hash business.

MICHAEL: So,

he rubbed off on you?

-Oh, I'd say he had.

I was in my early 20s

and looking for work,

and he came to me and said,

"Would you like to make

some extra coin?"

He had me doing deliveries.

-You start doing deliveries.

Then what?

-Just bigger deliveries.

- How much bigger?

- Well, you know, I mean...

how much bigger?

Um...

[chuckles]

I don't... I don't know

how to answer that.

I mean, it was just

like supply and demand.

-Well, listen, Dad, you're not

standing on a street corner

- selling dime bags.

- No.

No, no, no, moving

different-size

weights of things,

and moving them

to different customers.

NARRATION: I know

this won't be easy.

My dad has spent his whole life

evading questions.

MICHAEL: Okay, so let's just

get back to how this stuff

is coming into the country.

It's coming in myriad

different ways.

- Yeah.

- What are those ways?

-Well, the planes,

trains, and automobiles.

There's things that kinda...

-But you're not gonna tell me?

-I mean, you know, just, like...

watch the movies, you know?

They, uh...

MICHAEL: It's bugging me

a little bit,

how you're coming at this.

-What do you mean?

Well, tell me what you...

-You're moving product

from A to B?

You're filibustering.

You're...

-There's not much more to it,

I'm sorry.

-Well, there is more to it.

NARRATION: My dad managed

the distribution

of thousands of pounds

of marijuana and hashish.

MICHAEL: Well, no,

but, you know,

I need you

to talk about this stuff.

NARRATION: When Uncle Allan

left the business,

my dad expanded.

He was importing product from

Mexico, Nepal, Afghanistan.

But as his operation expanded,

so did the danger.

In the '90s, marijuana

and hashish were prosecuted

like cocaine and heroin are now.

Sentences could range

from several years

to life in prison.

Watching his back 24/7

affected him.

MOM: He was paranoid.

This particular night,

your father

was really freaking out.

He felt like there was a threat.

We dragged the mattress

down the stairs

into our living room

because he just wanted

to make sure that he could hear

anybody breaking in.

-I could feel the amount

of tension at home.

Like, what are we

trying to keep out?

NARRATION: By the time

I was old enough to understand

some of what was going on,

I was hearing whispers

at family events.

-This conversation is censored.

NARRATION: The secrecy

started early

in my parents' relationship.

And one day,

my dad just disappeared.

MOM: It was probably

a few months into dating,

and then I don't hear from him.

He fell off

the face of the Earth.

-Tell me about that.

-That is the question

you need to ask your father.

-Can you tell me about

the time that you disappeared?

-No.

Absolutely not.

NARRATION: I decide

not to push my dad on this.

Instead, he offers to show me

what a typical work day

looked like.

MICHAEL: You leave the house,

you get up.

DAD: Yeah.

-What's your morning routine?

-If I was doing a delivery,

I'd go to the garage,

and I'd pick up what I needed.

- Garage?

- That's right.

NARRATION: My dad

had two garages

and another car

we didn't know about.

DAD: Right there.

MICHAEL: So,

that's a pretty big size.

-Yeah.

I come in early morning,

I park,

and I do my thing inside.

-Then what?

-Trains, planes,

and automobiles.

-Can you give me the...

Sort of the quick play-by-play,

the run-through?

NARRATION: It turns out,

he can.

-Um...



DAD: There's always somebody

bringing in product

from Pakistan,

from Thailand, from Mexico.

Somebody had a load come in.

We figured,

"How are we gonna get that

back to Canada in two days?"

And so we ended up

leasing a corporate jet.



NARRATION: Dad starts telling

me what he did, in detail.

He wants me to know

how good he was at his job.

-They called me Swift Arrow.

"This guy's, like, you know,

just as fast as an arrow."



DAD: I was playing a role,

and I got good at it.

In fact, people said to me,

"You look like a narc."

I said, "That's great."

I said, "It's working."

A week or two weeks later,

I'd get a call from somebody

to meet me,

and I'd have a bundle of money.

Then I'd go home and relax,

you know?

Dad's back, and all of a sudden,

we're packing our bags

to the islands.

A lot of the people

I worked with were married

or had families and kids.

And we'd come back and we'd

pick up where we left off.



And of course,

there were stressful times,

like the time

that I ran into a store

to get something

Mom asked me to get,

and I look...

The car is on

the back of a tow truck

with about $350,000

of cash in it.

That caused some stress.

But I got it back.



[plane engine roaring]

[children shouting]

CHILDREN: Five, four, three,

two, one!

[plane engine roaring]

MICHAEL: I just want to know

what risk it was to us,

you know?

-Yeah, well, I'm trying

to tell you the risks.

So, everything that I'm telling

you about how I operated

my business, I kept

everybody in the family safe.

So I must have done a good job.

ELLIOT: He might be

bending certain things

to make it seem less intense.

Or maybe he's even tricked

himself into thinking

things are less serious

than they are.

-Aside from my paranoia,

you didn't know

or see things that happened.

I was just a little jumpy.

-No, but you answered the door

with weapons sometimes;

you'd reach

for some blunt object.

-Well, how often

did that happen?

-It felt like a feature

of my childhood.

-[scoffs]

No.

-I saw it happen.

-What I'm saying is that

some of the chaos that went on

in my business,

I never brought that home.

-You don't think you brought

it home, but you did.

-No, you don't know chaos until

you've been in my business

with the sh*t that went down.

You have no idea.

NARRATION: That disappearance

my mom talked about,

my dad tells me

he was kidnapped.

-I was, you know...

abducted by bikers.

-He never told me that

till we had been married.

NARRATION: Around

about the time

he started dating my mom,

he travelled to upstate New York

to pay an associate's debt.

The bikers wanted

more than he had on him,

so they took him hostage.

DAD: For three days,

I was chained up in a closet.

I was expecting that

to be the end of my life.

They took me to a payphone,

and I'm making phone calls

to people I know.

The last person said,

"Yeah, sorry, buddy,

"but I can't help you."

And as soon as I heard that,

and I realized this was the end,

that there was no way

I was gonna get out of this,

they probably

were gonna k*ll me,

I just dropped the phone

and ran.

I didn't care what they were

gonna sh**t me or whatever;

I was just running.

-And then I heard the car.

"I gotta get

the hell off this road."

I saw a hill.

There's a house up there.

I started banging on the door,

screaming for somebody

to let me in.

And the bikers,

they pulled up the driveway.

And I'm yelling,

"They're gonna k*ll us!

"Call the police!

They're gonna k*ll us!"

Somebody gets out of the car

and grabs me by the waist,

and they're pulling me,

and I'm hanging on to the frame.

Then the owner of the house

comes out with a poker

from his fireplace,

and he's hitting the biker,

trying to get him off me.

He's, like, trying to save me.

[distant sirens]

MAN: Come on!

Run!

MAN 2: Let's go!

-If you hadn't have

gotten out of that situation,

then we wouldn't be here.

-That's correct.

NARRATION: My dad's kidnapping

governed my parents' behaviour

for the next 40 years.

MOM: We were so diligent

in watching over you kids.

And, see, we thought

that we were sheltering

the three of you.

But you felt it.

MELISSA: As a parent, to think

that that's what was happening,

I thought, "Honestly,

like, how dare you?"

If he was gonna get taken,

how would the family survive?

How would Mom survive?

DAD: 454 technically

is a correct pound.

They always bust you

on a Thursday night

or a Friday night.

NARRATION: Suddenly I'm getting

half a lifetime's worth

of overdue parental advice.

DAD: If you're being

tailed by somebody,

then you're being tailed

by a group of people.

MICHAEL: Right.

NARRATION: Except it's

a crash course in smuggling.

I think I've convinced my dad

that making this movie

will fix our family's problems.

I may have convinced myself.

But Elliot thinks our problems

go way beyond Dad's secret.

-The secret is not so much

what I was concerned with.

For me, it was more related

to just my relationship

with Dad.

-Right.

-Because I don't

trust him emotionally.

NARRATION: Mel thinks

Elliot's right.

It's not about the secret.

It's about something else.

-It's so hard to crack this,

like, armored layer that he has.

And he does it for everybody

externally out of the house,

but unfortunately,

he does it with his own kids.

ELLIOT: Yeah, it's like

he's made a really good

version of himself.

And so it's like, well, what is

like the real person there?

NARRATION: It's not

that Dad had secrets.

It's about what keeping

those secrets did to him.

ELLIOT: I think

it's normal to be angry,

but the way it was externalized,

it was just, like, expl*sive.

[child yelling]

MOM: A lot of it

was incredible shouting.

ELLIOT: I had, like,

a little blanket that I coveted.

Dad was mad...

Took my blanket and ripped it

to pieces in front of me.

I can try, but I would be

dishonest with myself

if I thought I could, like,

fully trust this person.

MELISSA: The temper

that Dad carried,

it was so big in the house.

You didn't want to do anything

that was going to push that

to the next level.

So, Mom and Dad were out;

I would go around and tidy.

This was my way of feeling like

I could control something.

-Control the chaos.

-That's right.

-You got the brunt of it

because you kind of push,

you know, the boundaries.

-Do you think we got along?

-We didn't get along

during your teen years,

but that was because you were...

You were acting out

as a teenager.

-You think it was

'cause I was acting out?

-Well, it wasn't my fault

that you went all goth.

-Dad, you were trying

to kick me out

since I was 13 years old.

NARRATION: He'd kick me out,

and my mom would let me back in.

Then, at 22,

I just didn't go back.

I moved in

with my indie rock band

and we hit the road.

It wasn't stable...

-Breakfast!

NARRATION: But I was free.

[rock music]

-I do remember you

coming back and saying,

"Thank you for that

because it really helped me."

-I know you don't

want to go there.

-What do you mean?

Is that not true?

-We're at each other a lot.

-I know, but is this about

our relationship?



MICHAEL: Did you ever ask

Melanie and Elliot

how they felt growing up

in those circumstances?

-Melanie's a really

tough egg to crack.

I can't talk to her

about anything.

Or she doesn't even hear me,

you know?

-But don't you think

that might have to do

that she's got

some feelings about it?

-Well, there's no... I don't

know what else I could do.

MELISSA: If Dad really wants to

truly repair his relationship,

have the last chapter

of his life

to be the most

authentic chapter...

then he needs

to stop pretending.



MOM: I suffer from

cervical dystonia.

The involuntary

muscle contractions

of my neck and tremoring.

I have to have injections

every two months

so I can be free of the pain.

DOCTOR: Turn a little bit

to the right.

- Ah...

- Your head.

-I'm trying.

[sighs]

MICHAEL: I'm worried about you.

-Mm.

-A few years ago, you were

in a really dark place.

-Yep.

My life is just running

from different fears.

It was hard,

just holding the secret.

It was too difficult.

I felt like

"I don't want to be here."

If it were all over,

I'd be out of

all the challenges.

I wouldn't have to

face them anymore.

NARRATION: When my siblings

and I realized

what was happening,

we got our mom help.

She saw a doctor who recommended

cognitive behavioural therapy.

And slowly,

she got back on her feet.

ELLIOT: [video]

So, can I have the other half?

NARRATION: My dad is

a smart guy.

He knew we were

all having problems.

He even knew where

his problems came from.

They didn't all come

from dealing drugs.

[static]

DAD: My father

was a straight arrow.

Everybody liked him.

I couldn't stand him.

I hated him.

You know, he used to hit me.

He humiliated me.

If there was something

you said he didn't like,

that right hand went out

and slap across the face.

I was on pins and needles

always with him,

what to say and not to say.

I realized I could not

handle school.

I couldn't even, like,

read assignments.

I was picked on,

I was beaten up.

They called me "Dirty Jew,"

and... yeah.

Oh, yeah, they had

all sorts of things to say.

So I ran away

to join the ballet.

NARRATION: If you can

believe it,

my dad's first passion

was dance.

DAD: Like, when they say

somebody runs away

to join the circus,

that's what I did.

Yeah, never looked back.

["Waltz" from Swan Lake ]

DAD: I found a family

that embraced me,

that didn't judge me at all.

Over time, I started

transforming myself.

It's the first time I was

actually doing something

where I was achieving a goal.

The one big one that stood out

was doing The Ed Sullivan Show.

I was 15.

It was really exciting.

And then...

I ended up injuring myself.

[thunder clap]

I could barely walk.

I didn't want to accept it,

right?

I really needed to get

it operated on,

but I couldn't do it.

I guess I was afraid.

I wasn't dealing

with the problem;

I was running away from it.

I knew that I can't do it,

that I can't dance.

And I left.

Yeah, it was...

a kick to my ego.

My soul, really,

because I loved dance;

it was my whole life.

My career ended

after only seven years.

DAD: And then...

Allan popped into my life.

He made me an offer

I couldn't refuse.

MICHAEL: Why didn't you stop?

Take the safer route?

-It's all I knew how to do.

And at the same time,

I also believed in it.

So I was kind of like

a minor crusader at the time.

I thought it should be legal,

and it shouldn't

be anybody else's business.

-I don't agree with it.

Now it's spoken of

as being legal,

but that's now, that's today.

That's present day.

There's such a sense of pride

that he carries

about what he did,

a dismissal of

how this has affected

the entire family.

MOM: He was always caught

in this quagmire

of having to support a family.

He never had confidence

in himself to do something else.

BOTH: "Seven Point Cannabis."

-It's kind of

a classy-looking joint.

-Yeah, very.

NARRATION: My dad

quit the business

years before legalization.

MOM: Eventually,

your dad wanted out.

DAD: The bad elements

started moving in.

The bikers, the Mafia.

Man, I don't want to be

in this business anymore.

[soft guitar music]

NARRATION: When my dad

opens up about his past,

I can empathize with him.

I can identify.

And I'm not alone.

MELISSA: I'm very hard on myself

when that temper comes out.

And unfortunately,

it happens with, you know,

partners that I've been with.

Yeah, that's a side of me

that I don't...

I really don't like.

-Mm-hm.

I don't have it at all.

-[laughs]

-And I also feel

horrible about it,

and I'm trying really hard.

-Same.

NARRATION: Both my sister and I

have carried our tempers

into our adult lives.

We want to be better.

There's a strange comfort

in saying it all out loud,

and I wonder why we haven't

all sat down to talk.

What I was saying before

about Melanie and Elliot,

we haven't sat down...

-That's right.

- and talked about this

as a family.

-I know.

I know that.

- At all.

- No.

The two of them

are so hard to get through to.

MICHAEL: I just think

if you open the door to them

and just say, "I want to talk,

I want to hear from you,

"I want to know what you think,

and I want to just listen,"

I think that would be

really powerful.

-Yeah, I think it would be good.

NARRATION: But...

we weren't good.



[static]

[line trilling]

-After a crew member

misplaces my dad's car keys,

my dad loses his temper...

and quits the film.

[cell phone ringing]

MICHAEL: Oh, it's him.

Hello?

-What didn't I understand

about what...

-They're on their way

right now, Dad.

[dogs barking in distance]

NARRATION: I'm not sure

I want this anymore.

MELISSA: [phone] You're never

going to feel the closeness

that you think you have

with your children.

And if you want to take that to

your grave, be my guest, buddy.

MICHAEL: [sighs]

Now I feel foolish

because Dad will never change.

MELISSA: But Michael, there's

nothing you can do about it.

MICHAEL: I actually think

if Mom wasn't around,

he probably would never call us.

MELISSA: He wouldn't.

NARRATION: This is always

the risk with my father.

If you push him too hard,

he walks away.

It's like disappearing

is how he survives.

He's done it with Damian,

my older half-brother

from my father's first marriage.

MOM: [video]

Merry Christmas, guys!

-They have a very

complicated relationship.

NARRATION: My father

supported Damian financially,

though they've

sometimes been estranged.

MICHAEL: When I was a kid,

I asked him what you did.

DAD: And what did he say?

MICHAEL: "I don't know

what Dad does."

-Right, so,

and he still doesn't.

-Why haven't you

told him yet, though?

-I don't consider him

part of this family.

-But he is your son,

and surely...

-Yeah, but he wasn't

part of my life.

He was a distant

relative, really.

It's not the same dynamics,

and I certainly

wouldn't have told him

before I told you guys.

MICHAEL: Would you

consider telling him now?

-I have no reason

to tell him outright.

NARRATION: I can relate

to Damian.

My dad blows up,

and then it's like

it never happened.

It's his pattern.



DAD: Were you expecting

something to come out of this?

What were you thinking?

MICHAEL: I was hoping to, like,

come out of it feeling closer.

-A-ha.

-I thought it was happening,

and then we had that blow-up.

-[laughs]

Yeah, that blow-up just had...

All that had to do with just me

panicking on losing control.

And I'm sorry

I took it out on you,

but it was really me

I was angry at.

MICHAEL: It reminded me of,

like, old Dad.

- The old days?

- It scared me.

-That won't happen again.

Trust me.

-Listen, I want to have

a relationship with you.

-Yeah, I know.

I do, too.

-Because you and Zaide didn't

really get along very well.

-That's what also hurts, is when

I behave the way I do with you.

He did sh*t like that, so...

-Is there a way that you could

see him as just a person

that's flawed, like me,

like you, in that way?

-Yes, yeah.

-That maybe he also

didn't like himself

when he behaved like that?

-Yes, yeah, yeah.

He talked one day...

I think he was saying to me,

he said,

"I'd like to know

what it is you do."

MICHAEL: Your dad?

-Yeah, like, "Is there

something I could do?"

DAD: He drove product

across the border for me.

The best profile

is like a senior citizen.

He'd never done anything

dishonest in his whole life.

But his reasoning was he wanted

to spend some time with me.

MICHAEL: Your dad literally

became a drug mule.

He went to those lengths

to connect with you.

-Yeah.

And you're doing this

to connect with me?

All right, I get that.

Yeah.

NARRATION: My dad decides

to give me back the footage...

-Okay.

There you go.

NARRATION: while

he's still alive.

-Don't lose 'em.



NARRATION: My siblings agree

to talk to my dad,

but only if he's the one

who asks them to.

MELISSA: Am I going first?

NARRATION: He does.

MOM: Hi.

MICHAEL: Come on in.

MICHAEL: Mom, do you

want to sit over there?

Dad, you can sit here.

I guess I'll start with...

how are you guys feeling?

-Nervous.

MOM: You know,

I really don't know

how it affected

the three of you.

I want to hear that.

-I do have a question.

Were you in it

before you met Mom?

-Oh, yeah.

MOM: Yes.

DAD: Yeah.

-It was around

a month and a half

after we had been dating...

DAD: I sat her down

and I told her what I did,

thinking, "Well,

that will be the end of that."

[chuckles]

Maybe that was your big mistake.

MICHAEL: You never thought,

"At some point,

"my kids are probably

gonna wanna know,

"'Hey, what did you do for work

all these years?'"

-Well, why didn't

you ever ask me?

- We did.

- We did.

- Did you?

- Yeah.

-No, I don't even

remember you guys

ever coming and confronting me

and saying...

-Well, you don't remember

a lot of things, Dad,

but that happened.

Like, that's the honest truth.

It happened.

The fact that we even

had to ask that question

is not common, right?

-It wasn't a lie to me.

It was just protection.

You know, making

a bubble around the family,

where there was no risk

of that outside world

getting in there

and affecting you guys.

-I was so hung up

over what you did

that I didn't want

to talk to you about anything.

- MOM: Yeah, I got that vibe.

- We got that.

-I was angry that that

was a path that you chose,

knowing it could have

the potential

of putting your whole family

in jeopardy.

-Believe it or not,

I believed in it.

I believed the fact that

it was ill*gal was wrong.

Lo and behold,

the country legalized it.

They caught up to my thinking.

-I can intellectually

understand that,

but I feel like

you're downplaying the risks.

-I went to great lengths

to secure our life.

Otherwise, you would

have felt the bumps of things

happening a lot,

like that were...

- We did feel the bumps.

- No, but nothing specific.

Nobody kicked open the door,

you know?

-But we had nightmares

that people were

gonna kick open the door.

DAD: I understand, but nothing

over that whole period of time

actually materialized.

-I spent a lot of time, like,

overhearing you guys getting in,

like, these incredible rows.

-Yeah, I don't know that

I felt safe, like, emotionally.

Because you do understand

that the environment

that you create at home

impacts your children

and the people

that live with you.

-Very often, like, we were

walking around on eggshells.

-We were your release.

So when you got home,

like, you took it out on us.

-You know, I was on

fight-or-flight kinda mode.

-The consequences, though,

were that, you know,

if you got busted,

we might have no dad.

-Well, listen,

people get busted all the time,

and they still end up

getting out of jail, and...

-Do you think that

would have not impacted us?

-Yes.

-Like, we would have been like,

"Oh, our dad went to jail.

"Oh, yeah, okay."

Mom doesn't work...

DAD: I would have gotten out.

MELISSA: You had

no control over that.

- MICHAEL: Elliott?

- [sighs]

ELLIOT: When you guys

would have arguments,

like, I wish there was something

I could have done.

-There was nothing

you needed to do.

-[crying]

MOM: That wasn't

your responsibility.

-I'm sorry.

[soft, poignant music]





MICHAEL: Are you okay, Elliot?

-I'm okay.

-I'm sorry for... if it...

You know...

It's all I have right now,

is a sorry. And, uh...

I did it with Mike,

like, a few weeks ago.

MELISSA: Yeah.

-And I feel terrible about it.

Yeah.

MELISSA: You know,

when I look at Dad

when he's like that,

and I feel like

I'm looking in the mirror.

-You got that from me,

unfortunately.

MICHAEL: And you saw

your dad do that.

DAD: I saw my dad do that.

Until it stops, it keeps going.

-Yeah.

-Right?

Until we stop it here.

-I trust that you love me.

I'm still gonna take time

to work towards

trusting you more.

-Yeah.

-But I accept your apology.

-Thank you.

-You don't have to put on

any front anymore, right?

And I think that's gonna take

some time and work for you

to understand what that is.

-Yeah, it will.

-Because I'm not really sure

that you even know

who the real Eric is anymore,

because of how many

different faces you had to wear.

-Faces I wore.

Yeah, yeah.

- That was the past.

- Yeah.

-I'm assuming you don't

do this anymore.

- No.

- Okay.

Just... just clarify that.

NARRATION: I know people

don't change overnight.

It takes time...

and courage.

DAD: My little daughter.

-Yeah, I know, Dad.

I hope you don't have

any other daughters.

That would be a real shock.

-Would it?

MELISSA: Yeah.

[chuckles]

-I do.

- What?

- Mm-hm.

-You don't want me

to lie anymore, do you?

-Wow.

NARRATION: My dad's not kidding.

He's never met

his other daughter,

but she'd be in her 50s by now.

I guess if you ask

for the truth,

you have to be open

to receiving it.

-Oh my God.

Oh!

NARRATION: At least now we have

a chance to understand it.

ELLIOT: I guess I feel like less

burdened about the situation.

There's not, like, something

in the back of my mind

that I'm, like, holding onto.

NARRATION: Telling each other

the truth

has changed something for us.

MOM: It gave you and your

siblings some kind of peace.

MICHAEL: But what do you

get personally for you,

that's not about

what your kids get?

-It's a weight

off of my shoulders.

Yeah.

MELISSA: For what they did,

to be able to raise three kids

that have all

grown up into adults

and are having

families of their own,

that's, you know,

pretty remarkable.

So, out of all of this,

like, craziness...

[laughs emotionally]

We're not that screwed up.

[laughs]

DAD: Now, I'm not sure

I'm gonna show up

at premiere night.

-Why not?

Are you afraid?

-Yeah, no, no, I'm not...

I'm not afraid anymore, no.





ELLIOT: [video]

Michael!

NARRATION: What kind of father

will I be?

I just hope I get to find out.

WOMAN: Start with your name.