01x01 - Phenomenal Women

[bunniefuu]

["CHERCHEZ LA FEMME" PLAYING]



[WOMEN] Up to it, down to it.

f*ck those who don't do it.

We do it 'cause we used to it,

so drink, my n*gga, drink.

[ALL CHEER]

[WHITNEY] Mm, mm-mm.

Yeah, I'm gonna need

to take that in stages.

- Over here.

- Uh, another round?

- No!

- Yes!

I got this new sh*t

with jalapeño and mezcal.

- Ooh!

- Yeah!

[LAUGHTER]

[ELLA] Hi!

How come I never get asked

to dance by a Lester?

I think it's your face.

- [LAUGHTER]

- Shut up.

Come on, girl, I'll be your Lester.

[LAUGHTER]



[SINGER] For misery, my friends

Cherchez la femme

Hey, now

Cherchez la femme

Oh, yeah Cherchez la femme

[CELL PHONE BUZZING]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

Your whole "natural early bird" thing

has been bothering me

for the entire 25 years

of my life that I've known you.

[RENEE] Ella, it's 8:30.

sh*t!

Yeah, it's probably not the best for you

to be late as f*ck

to your first day of work.

[FRANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]



[MAN SPEAKING ARABIC]

[ELLA] Remind me why

I spent my early 20s trying to build

a professional reputation

instead of sitting

on a really rich d*ck.

[RENEE] Exactly.

I mean, what were our mothers

thinking with this whole

"pursuit of educational

excellence" bullshit?

I mean, where was the

"There's nothing wrong

with sleeping your way to the top, baby,

as long as you do it discreetly

and before you turn 26" speech?

It's okay. It's okay. I'll move.

- What?

- [RENEE] No, no, no, not you.

I'm just being invisible woman-ed.

[ELLA] At the bodega?

Mm-hmm.

This female colonizer in here

was literally standing on top of me.

You know the whites can't see us.

Anyway, I was just calling

to wish you good luck.

And don't go into that office

this morning

trying to be yourself.

Try being someone much more likable,

like one of those nice

colored girls from Georgia

we went to school with

who were raised to marry well.

Ishmael, what up? I'm finna be late.

Almost, lady, almost.

- [SIGHS]

- [ELLA] I cannot believe

you're still eating out of the bodega.

Right now it's a requirement.

Are you not hungover?

'Cause I feel like stir-fried sh*t.

Ah, pain threshold

hovering around three.

Remember when we were 21,

and we could get in

at five in the morning,

drink a Red Bull, and just shake it off?

No, I have very few

lucid memories of my 20s.

Bacon, egg, and cheese.

- Uh!

- Oh!

- That is mine.

- Oh, I thought it was mine.

I am a woman phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman, that is me.



- Uh

- Hmm.

Did you just "Phenomenal Woman" her?

Yes, I did.

Oh.

Why she want to make me angry

before 9 a.m.?

I hate when I'm mad on a Monday.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]



[WOMAN] Hips back, elbows down.



So good, team.

Y'all look so good.

- [CELL PHONE RINGING]

- [BREATHING DEEPLY]

Morning, Mother.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Aunt Zelda?

I haven't heard her name

in over ten years.

Mom, the guest list

has to end somewhere.

- [LINE BEEPS]

- Okay, Mom, this is work.

Mom, this is work!

I won't call you back.

Hello.

No! I told Chad to do it.

His nepotism is really starting to show.

Radha, you run the new numbers.

I'll be in soon.

[MOANING AND WHIMPERING]

Shh!

Quiet.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]

- [GROANS]

- Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Okay.

[BOTH MOANING]

[THUMPING]

- [MOANS]

- [GRUNTS]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

[BOTH GASP]

Daddy, I'm awake.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[AMARI] Daddy?

This is nothing like

when you call me Daddy.

Oh, God.

[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYS]

And how are we today,

mind, body, and soul?

Um

purple unicorn,

blue heart, pink mermaid.

What about you?

Pink unicorn,

yellow heart, gold mermaid.

You guys ever gonna let Daddy

crack this unicorn code?

[BOTH] Mm, no.

Come on, it's not fair.

Okay, Chicken, close your eyes.

I have a surprise for you.

And open them.

Why are they brown?

Because that is how

all the Black

professional ballerinas do it.

Seems like a bit much

for six weeks of lessons,

though, don't you think?

No, not at all.

Ballet is all about the

aesthetic of the unbroken line.

So pink shoes on a brown leg

is a broken line.

Well, I appreciate

your diligence on the subject.

And as always, your beautiful brain

continues to wow me.

Oh, I got to go.

Uh, I left her tuition check

by the door.

- So, please don't forget it, okay?

- Okay.

And you, I love you. Mwah.

Uh, unicorn,

television set, red mermaid.

- Mm-mm. No.

- No.

But I'm getting it.

- No.

- I'm getting it.

- He's not even close, is he?

- Have a good day, guys.

He is something else.

Mm, who you tellin'?

[FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS]



[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

I like what you've done with the place.

Oh, it's a miracle

I have an office at all.

Whoever the f*ck invented

open office floor plans

should be forced to listen

to the Lean Inaudiobook

on repeat for the rest of their lives.

You know the digital revolution

cannot be forged

in an office with walls.

You look good.

- You better?

- Think so.

The "book not selling" stuff, yes.

The being branded a "regressive blow

to fourth-wave feminism" part,

- not so much.

- [BARB] That's bullshit.

Your essay about cooking dinner

a*s-naked in an apron and heels

was quite exquisite.

That was a personal story.

I wasn't suggesting it as a practice.

Okay, kiddo, for your first assignment,

you won a trip to cover

Soulja Boy's legends party tonight.

Superman that h*, what?

Superman that h*, What, what?

Come on, Barb.

Ah, don't "Come on, Barb" me.

Soulja Boy

"He is the first true Internet rap star.

He launched a movement

that led to the current wave

of self-produced and distributed artists

that shifted the landscape."

Says who?

Says the f*cking press release.

When I woke up this morning

and I thought about

how my first day here would go,

I said to myself,

"Why don't you go

and interview that young man

who basically taught guys everywhere

how to stick sheets onto women's backs

with their semen

and do a dance at the same time?"

I'm sorry, but did I dream

that you called all,

"Barb, Barb, what am I gonna do?

"The critics hate my book,"

begging me for a job?

- No

- [BARB] Sometimes, Ella,

you look up, and life is different.

There's no more car service

or white parties in the Hamptons

or offices with doors that lock

and curtains curtains that close.

Yeah. I blame Matt Lauer.

I blame that m*therf*cker, too.

sh*t.

Look, I was the first

Black editor in chief

of a mainstream

lifestyle publication at 35.

Now I'm 45, and I'm doing this sh*t.

Adapt, Ella.

Reinvention, that's the game.

You don't see me walking around

all puh and pathetic.

[WHIMPERS]

- I'm not pathetic.

- You a little pathetic.

But you're a good writer,

and you've always been good

with celebrities,

which is why I hired you again.

I just could do without all this

"victim of a failed media

state" shtick you got going on.

Could you just be, I don't know

grateful?

Just be as committed to grateful

as you are to self-pity.

I am grateful, Barb.

Seriously, thank you for everything.

Great.

Get out my office. [LAUGHS]

Whoo!

Now watch me yuuuuuuu

Now watch me yuuuuuuu

[HUMMING]

[SIGHS]

She didn't close the f*cking door.

[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]



[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Oh, hi, you must be Amari's mom.

- I'm Julie. This is Goldie.

- Hi.

I'm Sondi.

I-I'm actually Amari's dad's girlfriend.

I mean, we live together,

and I-I obviously

still keep an apartment

because we're not married, so, um

But I've been in Amari's life

since she was four.

[JULIE] Well, it's nice to meet you.

Our girls just love Amari.

We're so glad she's sticking with it.

Which ones are yours?

Mimi came out looking like her father.

She's in front.

[JULIE] And my Clara's

right next to her.

You can see it in her eyes.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Did you just get here,

or did you see me dance?

I totes got here early,

and you were totes the best one

in the whole entire class.

No, I'm totes not.

Ms. Janet says Clara

has the best technique.

Clara, Shmara.

Don't tell anybody,

but your teacher's a liar.

Chicken, what happened

to the shoes I made for you?

I left them at home. Sorry.

No sorrys, dah-ling.

- BRB.

- Okay.

Hi, I'd like to pay for the next session

for Amari Powell.

Finally.

We usually don't accept

late tuition, but

we love Amari.

We do offer scholarships

for our underprivileged students.

I can give you a brochure.

Um, no, that'll just

wind up in the trash.

Yes, well, Amari's teacher

asked me to give you this.

Nutritional suggestions

for a six-year-old?

Amari has a great

natural facility for ballet.

We just want to help her

avoid some of the pitfalls

unique to the bodies

of dancers with her

ethnic background.

I'll be needing that back. Thanks.

Amari, let's go.

- Did you hear that?

- Ooh!

Seriously, go look

[ZILO] It don't get any clearer

I can see it in the way you move

Come get a little nearer

- [WHITNEY] Seriously?

- [RENEE] Ugh!

Why is everybody trying it today?

I would've smacked that b*tch

in the face.

- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.

And now Matthew's over here texting me

like I'm in trouble.

Ooh, teacher's pet is f*cking up.

He's the one who has her

enrolled in a school

where they're hypersexualizing

her prepubescent body

and subverting her femininity.

I'll take "Academic Buzzwords"

for $600, Alex.

[LAUGHTER]

Anyway, I'm enrolling her

in the Dance Theatre of Harlem.

Maybe you should talk

to Matthew about that first.

Right, 'cause those n*gro

ballet slippers

were clearly a miss.

sh*t!

What in the whole universe?

Cherise. Cherise.

Hey, girl, you got a first-aid kit?

Legally we're required to,

but we're also supposed to have

fire extinguishers,

so I'ma say no.

[SIGHS] It's okay.

The whole universe is just

not f*cking with me today.

Y'all want a round

of Get Drunk or Die Trying?

[ALL] Yes.

Cherise, your t*tties look

particularly amazing today.

Her t*ts always look amazing.

[CHERISE] They're good, right?

- I think so.

- Yes.

Oh, sweet child, sweet child.

I'll be back.

Okay. [SIGHS]

- Uh-uh.

- Um

I thought that you said

your wedding was a small,

intimate affair.

Why are there, like,

300 invitations here?

Because this is no longer my wedding.

This is a wedding for Olabisi Adeyemo,

his mother, his 15 aunts from Nigeria,

and my mother

and her ever-expanding list

of society women and church friends.

Honestly, at this point,

I should just invite

each of Cherise's t*ts.

Weddings are so overrated.

Huh, inspiring prenuptial insights

from our only married friend.

What? For what Jason and I

spent on our wedding,

I could be debt-free

and have bought a small boat.

Okay, before Renee

makes this all about her,

Whitney, have you bought

your wedding tribal dress yet?

Ugh, no.

The tribal colors from his village

are brown and blue.

And they want me to wrap

my $350 bridal updo

in a durag thingy.

I'm pretty sure it's not

a durag exactly.

It's like a crown, bougie.

Oh, and the worst of it,

Ola's mother wants branzino

for the fish entrée.

Mmm, I love branzino.

Uh, no, you don't.

You think you love branzino

because the chefs

always serve it as a special

and people who don't know

better let other people

dictate to them what's

actually special in life.

And because waiters

are always referring to it

as a, um, "European sea bass,"

people get distracted by the fact

that in terms of taste and flavor,

it's just glorified tilapia.

So everybody's passing over

a beautiful piece of halibut

or even a red snapper

because all the chefs of New York

have decided to make branzino a thing.

But branzino's not a thing.

It's just basic.

I think she just called you

a basic b*tch.

- Mm-hmm.

- I did no such thing.

- Yes, you did.

- Mm-hmm.

You know what?

I'm gonna take my basic a*s

to Matthew's reading

of his essay for The Atlantic,

so you can lick your own

damn wedding invitations.

Hasn't he done several already?

Right, like, how many times

can you present one essay?

It's not like the n*gga wrote a book.

[LAUGHTER]

Okay, Matthew Powell will never

turn down an occasion

to hear himself speak in front

of a c*ptive audience, so

No, no, no, no, no, don't go, please.

I was just about to beg you all

to come downtown with me

to this Soulja Boy party tonight.

What's that even mean?

Soulja Boy up in this

Watch me crank it watch me roll

Welcome to my life at Hot Tea Digest.

I keep telling you guys

I did something really evil

in a past life.

Not, like, Hitler evil

but definitely, like,

Clarence Thomas evil.

Okay, Ella, I love you, boo-boo,

but it's a hard no for me.

What about you two?

You can't be serious.

Soulja Boy is a f*cking legend. I'm in.

[REMY MA] Come, all, to the E-Z

["CONCEITED" PLAYS]

Yes

See, this ain't nothin'

That you used to

Out of the ordinary and usual

You got to have the mind state

Like I'm so great

And can't nobody do it like you do

Miraculous, phenomenal

See, I look too good

To be f*ck' you

And I look too good to be lovin' you

You know I look way too good

To be stuck with you

I'm conceited I got a reason

See, I look too good

To be getting' whipped

[RENEE] Oh, my God. Is that Jim Jones?

Holy 2006, we just entered

a time capsule.

I'm going to get champs.

I'm gonna go find Soulja Boy.

- Meet you at the bar?

- All right.

I'm coming with you.

What? I want to meet him.

Soulja Boy.

Soulja Boy.

With his tight white tee



Hi. I'm with Hot Tea Digest.

I have an interview with Soulja Boy.

Ma'am, please step away from the rope.

- No press today.

- [RENEE] Oh, please.

How do you even know she's press?

She could be lying.

You know, maybe she's

just some groupie wh*re

just trying to get in the VIP.

What difference does it make, sir?

Brian!

Well, who invited Ella McFair

to the party?

Hoo!

You look good, girl. Where you been?

- In hiding.

- [BRIAN] Mm.

Can you get me over there?

I need a few bites from Soulja Boy.

Well, hold up. Hold up.

Has-has Ella McFair rejoined the peons

of the entertainment biz?

Brian, please.

You lucky I been tryin' to holla at you

since we was interns.

Hey, yo, let them in. They good.

Wait here.

[RENEE] A'ight.

Go get him.



Hey, Soulja.

Sorry, Miss, but Mr. Tell 'Em

- Mr. who?

- Mr. Tell 'Em, he

Mr. what?

Mr. Soulja Boy Tell 'Em is very specific

about the female optics in his section.

You and your friend

are a bit too mature

- for this part of the club.

- What?

You don't look

"groupie wh*re" enough.

Oh, my God.

That-that must've been really hard,

for you to say out loud.

- Do you want a hug?

- Come on.

'Cause I hopped up out of the bed,

and I turned my swag on

for you, Mr. Soulja Boy.

God, I wore this dress for a reason.

Come on, I want to talk to that guy.

Soulja was close to letting us in.

[GASPS] Oh, this my sh*t!

Ah!

["FOR FREE" PLAYING]



[DRAKE] I go on and on

Can't understand how I last so long

I must have superpowers

Last 225,000 hours

[CHRIS] This is like this

every single Monday.

Really? [LAUGHS]

[CHRIS] Hopefully I'll see you

around here more often.

Yeah, well, we'll see.

- Hey.

- [ELLA] Hey.

Good to see you.

[CHRIS] Yeah, it's been a minute.

You want another drink?

Champagne, please.

You know who that is, right?

No.

Dude, that's Chris Cabrera.

He's the community peen.

He's literally f*cked everybody we know.

Who?

I f*cked him in 2012,

Renee in 2014,

and Lynda with a Y from Pilates in 2015.

His d*ck is amazing.

Like, incredible, impeccable. Mwah.

I don't know if I'm grossed out

or intrigued.

Dude, you're getting married.

You missed the window for intrigue.

Well, apparently I missed

the window for everything

because I spent my 20s

cooking, cleaning,

and f*cking my college sweetheart

instead of f*cking that guy.

Well, while you bemoan

your perfect life,

I'm going to go pee and maybe cry.

[TOO $HORT] Ain't nothin'

But pimpin' these days, G

My n*gga C got locked up

But these real h*s

Still know they gots to f*ck

Give a f*ck, n*gga what you say

Oh!

- [LAUGHS]

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

- Happy Monday.

["SHAKE IT DOWN" PLAYING]

[SINGER] They love

How we break it down

Let me explain this now

[MOUTHS WORD]

We're bringin' this home

Yeah, bringin' this home

[MOUTHS WORD]

Yeah, bringin' this home

We're bringin' this home

Yeah, bringin' this home

We're bringin' this home

If Black people continue to dissociate

from ideals such as patriotism

and nationalism,

it enables this false concept

of a white nationalist identity

to thrive.

Why wouldn't the people

that built this country

on their backs

with their blood, with their tears

be the most patriotic,

the most convicted

about how this country's

identity is defined?

Well, that's very romantic

but not particularly pragmatic.

I mean, most Black Americans

are still living

a second-class experience.

It's baked into this country's

governing and founding institutions.

Don't you think?

Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Sondi Hill,

She is one of my PhD advisees

in African American Studies

and, as you can see,

an expert contrarian.

- [LAUGHTER]

- Hi.

["NAKED" PLAYING]



[ASHLEY LILINOE]

I surrender to the moment

Now I know there's no reason

To be scared

We are shiftin' shapes

Anderson?

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Well, look at you.

- What are you doing here?

- I took a position at

What are you doing in the country?

I'm back.

You still got MCI? [SCOFFS]

All your calls dropping?

'Cause my number hasn't changed.

- I wanted to tell you in person

- Oh, my God, it's Satan.

Are you okay?

Excuse me?

Oh, yeah, that's your new name, mm-hmm.

Oh, you call me Satan?

Only when I talk about you.

You know, my voodoo

must be getting real rusty,

'cause I vanquished you

from our lives two years ago.

- Renee.

- Don't you "Renee" me.

He's top of the f*cking worst.

Wow. The top, huh?

You lucky I got to pee

like a f*cking racehorse,

'cause

Protect your set, girl.

She always was my favorite.



I missed you, El.

I didn't miss you at all.

[ASHLEY LILINOE] Peace of mind

The last of humankind yeah

I know you deserve

This beauty undefined

Now I'm finger-paintin'

With the rhythm of the colors

That I never knew were there

I surrender to the moment

Now I know there's no reason

No.

[ASHLEY LILINOE]

We are shiftin' shapes

Amari was inconsolable.

She said you embarrassed her

in front of all her friends,

said she's got to go dance

somewhere else?

I apologize for upsetting Amari,

but I really hate that place for her.

I just want her to feel

confident in her own skin

Okay, but did it ever occur to you

that just maybe

she wants to wear pink shoes

'cause she's a six-year-old

and her favorite color is pink?

She wants to be like

those other little girls,

but she's not like them.

And sooner or later,

they are going to remind her

that she's different and

- You do this every time.

- Do what?

You make every moment a protest song.

For Christ's sake, Sondi, she's a kid.

She's my little girl.

I was just trying to teach her

Okay, stop!

I love that you have

a great relationship with her,

but once again, you've overstepped.

Jeez, sometimes I really wish

you would grow up already.

Excuse me?

I spend my days taking care of your a*s

and some other chick's child.

That is as grown-up as it gets for me.

[MATTHEW] Sondi.

[LIGHTSKINKEISHA] Big t*tties, whoa

Tight dress, no panties

Just to go to the store

Headed outta lil' daddy's

Coming to

Hey, do you still live in the Heights?

Yeah.

You want to share a cab uptown?

[LIGHTSKINKEISHA] Might just

Do this sh*t forever

I just do it for the cheddar

I ain't even use no effort

I just made some investments

Scratch that off your checklist

Weather got me acting reckless

f*ck a snack a h* breakfast

Have him coming back for seconds

Hey. Hey!

Not in my cab.

[LIGHTSKINKEISHA] Trying

To preach, I'm a blessing

[JAZZY PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

[BOTH MOANING]

[ELLA] Yeah.

[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]

[ELLA] Come on, come on.

- Yeah.

- [MOANS]

What?

- What's wrong?

- It's, um

I'm-I'm sorry. I just

Oh, this is mad embarrassing. I

I got whiskey d*ck.

[ELLA SIGHS]

[BOTH SIGH]

My bad. It was an open bar. I

[SIGHS]

Dude, get a bed frame.

[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYS]



Sondi?

Girl, if you do not start phoning first,

I'ma need to take my spare key back.

[ELLA] Sorry.

I have to finish posting this story,

and I didn't want to be alone.

You do realize the walk of shame

usually ends with the person arriving

at their own home, right?

[ELLA] How'd it go with Matt?

Well, I'm f*cking my thesis adviser

and kind of, sort of raising his kid

in an undefined relationship

which could get him fired

and me thrown out of school,

which makes our communication

about me fake stepparenting his daughter

easy and effortless.

Got it.



What's your story?

Anderson was at the party.

- He's back?

- Apparently.

I kissed him.

Ella, seriously?

I'ma need to f*ck this dude,

because I don't get it.

It's not the sex.

He's my Big.

No, he's not.

Big was tall, rich, and had a driver.

If you're going to perpetually

humiliate yourself for a man,

he better be tall, rich,

and have a driver.

There's a very clear, well-established

pop-culture road map for this.

We talked about dating guys under 35.

Now, you know I detest

the characterization

of the Black male as shiftless

and no good, but

until they're 35, they ain't

got nothing to offer but d*ck

Poor, conflicted d*ck.

Is this the beginning

of the rest of my life?

No.

You do not get to let yourself

into my home

so you can sit here and complain

about your little

champagne problems, okay?

You are a Black girl in America.

We do not get to do that, okay?

Head up.

Eyes on the prize

world domination.



[SONDI] That's right.

[CHUCKLES]

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

['SUPERNOVA" PLAYS]

World domination.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[SUNNI COLÓN] I think

I want to be around you

For the rest of my life

I'm just livin' In the moment

Having good times

Hey.

Hey.

[SUNNI COLÓN] For once in my life

Follow me, follow me

Follow me, my supernova

Going up, going up, going up

Till you burst to flames

Turn around, turn around

Turn around, turn around

For no one

Follow me, follow me

Follow me, my supernova