01x04 - I Love Harlem

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Run the World

I still think we could avoid

a lot of this stupid

sneaking-around nonsense

if we just disclosed our relationship

to the university.

I f*cked that community peen guy

after the Soulja Boy party.

Why did you stay for two years?

You stopped answering my calls.

- What was I rushing home for?

- For me.

Getting divorced is surprisingly easy.

Cheers!

Divorce can be like a death.

I'm fine, really.

The kitchen's small.

You cook?

Not really.

It's a two-bedroom apartment

under $3,000

below 135th Street.

- Do you want it?

- Can I let you know tomorrow?

I didn't take you

for the gambling type,

but sure.

I'll need proof of employment,

three months of consecutive

bank statements,

- two years' tax returns

- It's all here.

I also included my blood type,

bra size,

and the start date

of my menstrual cycle.

I was born in the year of the Dragon

and my astrological sign is Taurus.

Mm. Of course it is. Hmm.

Your shoe's untied.

Thanks, Ma.

Uh, can you refrain from calling me Ma?

Clearly I'm not old enough

to be your mother, so

Are you fancy?

You look fancy.

Well, thank you, boo.

You must be excited about

those new basketball courts.

Nah, they ain't built it for us.

They built it for the fancy people.

- Rico, come on.

- Bye, Ma.

Nutcrackers! Nutcrackers!

I got the nutties, y'all.

Excuse me! Excuse me, sir!

Two for ten on the nutcrackers!

Hi!

Guess who finally fixed

the refrigerator light.

Checked out that

Greg the Handyman tutorial

on YouTube, and voilà.

- Oh.

- Oh, uh

I also changed the

light bulb in the closet.

Oh! Great, Jason.

I got Jimbo's.

- Ooh!

- Mm-hmm.

Burgers for breakfast?

Yup, extra cheese and bacon fried hard.

And Juan says hey.

- My man.

- Mm-hmm.

Always cooks it perfectly medium well.

Mmm!

Hey, um

check this place out.

I, uh I went to see it this morning.

Is there anything worse

than gentrifying the projects?

It's actually really nice.

It's huge and completely renovated.

The elevators kind of smell like piss,

but you'll become

nose-blind after a week.

I told the dude you'll

let him know tomorrow

if you're gonna take it.

What? If I'm

I'm sorry.

I didn't know I was moving out.

Jason

I know we agreed to keep it civil

and consciously uncouple, but

we both can't keep living here.

It just makes sense that you move out.

We're both different people now

than when we got married.

It's time that we make new agreements

that reflect who we've become.

What about our agreement

to finish binge-watching

Hot Baby Mamas: Detroit?

Hmm?

We could still do that.

Can we also agree

that I get to keep the TV?

You can keep all the electronics.

- Really?

- Yes.

- All of 'em?

- All of 'em.

I'm counting the Vitamix

as an electronic.

Fine, but I want the Wonderboom.

Okay, listen,

I begged you not to take yours

on your little girls' trip to Vegas,

and you lost it.

And now you want to take mine. No.

Okay.

I'm gonna go meditate.

Okay.

And "namaste" my a*s right here.

Okay.

What?

You know how in movies

when people finish having sex

and they, like, fall flat back

onto the bed simultaneously?

Where are they coming from?

Huh?

You know, like this.

- Oh, like Wedding Crashers.

- Exactly.

What position requires

this backwards trust fall?

And they never

acknowledge the wet spot.

Or go get a towel.

I'ma go get a towel.

I'm just saying, maybe we're

not doing something right.

We need to be having

"simultaneous orgasm,

fall out of nowhere

onto the bed" movie sex.

I think we should do

the sex screen from Belly.

I wanna have Janet Jackson sex.

You talking '80s Janet or '90s?

Nineties.

Oh, you wanna have sepia-toned sex.

I spent my adolescence

listening to The Velvet Rope,

wondering what sex felt like

and if it really feels so good,

you cry.

Have I made you cry?

Not from sex.

Oh, sh*t.

I forgot I told Javi

I'd meet him for brunch.

Hurry up and get dressed.

Nah, I'm not interested

in playing 21 questions with Javi

about how we got back together.

We're not back together.

We're sleeping together, buddy.

I feel used.

Like a piece of meat. Mm-hmm.

Well, you know how I feel

about your hamstrings.

Hey, El?

Brunch sounds good.

Y'all look cute together.

Thank you.

Not together, though.

You really clarifying our dating status

to kids on the block?

Hey!

If you don't want him, I'll take him.

Oh!

You cannot k*ll Ryan Gosling

for The Notebook alone.

There she is, Miss Harlem America!

- Hey, guys.

- Hey.

- So good to see you.

- You too.

And lookee here, Mr. Anderson Louis.

So this is what I missed at karaoke.

The next time you miss my birthday,

I am officially filing for

a work husband divorce.

I'm so sorry, love. I had to.

It took me three months

to get those tickets to Tina.

Oh, my God.

So I'm testing

a social poll for tomorrow.

Marry, shag, k*ll: the Ryans. Hmm?

Javi, this is not a social poll.

This is your normal conversation.

And it's why I'm excellent at my job.

Anderson. Gosling, Reynolds, Phillippe.

Go.

Marry Ryan Reynolds.

He's Deadpool. He'd protect me.

k*ll Gosling. Funny enough.

Don't need the competition.

Shag Phillippe.

He was a man's man in sh**ter.

Thank you. Thank you!

- Ryan Gosling has to die.

- Has to die.

Oh, Ella, I told Barb

we'd meet her at

Yatenga for drinks later.

No! Why?

I cannot talk about the Internet

every second of my life.

Well, the Internet never sleeps, boo,

and that's why they

should call me Dr. Hot Tea,

because I am always

on call.

I like that. There you go.

I am gonna head to the bar

and get a real drink.

- Anybody want one?

- Make that two.

He pays? Ooh.

- Hey!

- Hi!

- Hey!

- Where are you guys headed?

A hundred and sixteenth.

Monife's gonna help me find new fabric

for my aso-oke with Ola's cousin.

Uh, aunt.

You have another aunt?

Babe, we've been over this.

I'm Nigerian. Everyone's an aunt.

Well, apparently,

the fabric that I picked

was not ornate enough.

- Good luck.

- Thank you.

Oh. Hi, Anderson.

How about some more drinks, y'all?

Trust me, Monife's

got it handled, all right?

Now, I'm gonna head back to that buffet

and get some fufu and oxtails.

- I'll save you some, okay?

- No.

You know I can't have

anything that heavy

this close to the wedding.

Look, I hate to break it to you,

but we've done the work.

We're a sexy couple.

- There she is!

- Ah!

- Hi, sister!

- Hi, sister!

- Mwah!

- Ooh, ouch. I get seconds?

Yes.

Uh, Mommy wanted me to tell you

that cousin Ade

said the caterer you hired

had bad jollof rice.

- What? No.

- Oh, my God.

Do we have to hire a new caterer?

No, we don't. It's fine, all right?

Can you tell Mom to relax, please?

No. You tell her.

Help me.

It's fine. The rice is fine.

Everything's fine, all right?

- Okay.

- Ew. No.

Too much. Too much. It's too much.

Take care of her, all right?

Good afternoon, Auntie.

How are you and your family?

Ah, ah, Monife, Monife!

Ah! You are your mother's daughter.

Doctor Monife Adeyemo.

You and your brother bring

so much pride to your family.

Oh!

Your mother must be so happy.

She would only be happier if I

was a married successful doctor.

And you must be the bride.

Yes. Hi. I'm Whitney.

So nice to meet you.

Your future mother-in-law

is a very intense woman.

She sent me over 25 fabrics.

Mm, I'm surprised it was so few.

She's so excited about this wedding

and so appreciative of

how devoted you are to Ola.

I mean, you've put up with him

longer than anyone outside our family.

Oh, wow.

Monife, these

these are gorgeous.

Okay, now I feel bad,

because when I heard "brown,"

I thought

Doo-doo brown, I'm sure.

Ola really is terrible,

leaving you to sort this out alone.

Oh, no. It's not his fault.

You know, he's been great.

He's just so busy at the hospital.

Your mother prefers this one.

This fabric is stunning.

Stunning.

Auntie, and let's try this blue one.

Ola is lucky to have found you.

He is my brother, but I have

to say, he is marrying up.

Stop.

Your brother is an incredible man.

I'm the lucky one.

Oh, Whitney!

This is gonna be gorgeous.

Ah, no tears before the wedding day.

I'm gonna go call Mother.

So what kind of day are you having?

Still TBD.

So what's the alert?

Uh, I need an admin moment.

Uh, you know,

nutcrackers are not meant for guzzling.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Okay.

I cheated on Ola.

Why aren't you reacting?

Girl, I been known that.

Ella told me weeks ago.

Trinamic Trio of Trust, remember?

I deeply regret our

sixth grade clique name.

Also, you think I couldn't see through

that whole cold-feet episode

you claimed to be having?

I knew something was up.

Why didn't you say anything?

Like what?

"How 'bout that Chris Cabrera?"

d*ck's fire, huh? Right?

Okay, stop.

Don't make me laugh.

I feel horrible. I'm a horrible person.

You are not a horrible person.

Now, what you did to Ola,

that was not kind.

But as your friend

your soon-to-be-divorced friend

I get it.

You know, getting

married makes you consider

all the what-ifs.

What if you had f*cked that NBA player?

Or what if one of you gets paralyzed

and you can't f*ck at all?

Or what if one of you

decides to quit your job

to manage a band you

saw on a subway platform

and then you decide

to consciously uncouple

because getting divorced

is more expensive

than paying lawyers to divide

the crumbs we have left

Renee, it seems that we've crossed over

into the "about you"

part of the conversation.

Yeah. Sorry.

Look, I love Ola so much.

I didn't cheat on him because

I have doubts about him or us.

It's just, I've

I've never been on an Internet date.

I've never been ghosted.

I've never had a one-night stand.

Ola is literally the first

and only person

that I have ever been with

before this.

I understand why you were afraid

of jumping the broom

as a One-d*ck Wanda.

And we do not have to get married.

If this isn't what you want,

I'll drive the getaway car,

and f*ck 'em all.

I don't think that's what you want.

I just started wondering if

I even really knew myself

when I've experienced so little.

I know who you are.

And you are not the kind of person

who could survive

destroying the love of your life.

So you don't think I should tell him

b*tch, hell no.

That is selfish as f*ck.

Make peace with this

and bury it deep

deep, deep, deep down.

It's not fair to Ola to

punish him with your truth.

That man loves your crazy,

and that is all we could ever ask for.

I am not crazy.

b*tch, you are out

of your f*cking mind.

Damn "Excel spreadsheets

for grocery shopping lists"

lookin' a*s.

Give me that.

Mmm.

Damn, it's over.

f*ck. I gotta pee.

We can go knock on Matthew's door.

Sondi's probably in there,

hiding from Harlem on a weekend.

- All right.

- Oh!

Did Ella tell you she's

f*cking Anderson again?

Oh, she didn't have to tell me.

She hasn't answered

one of my morning phone calls

since her birthday.

Little floozy.

Ugh!

What took you so you long?

Move. Move!

Let me guess: she has to pee.

Tiny woman, tiny bladder.

Sondi, friends are here!

What the hell?

- Come out and play.

- What are we, five?

I drank most of this nutcracker

in less than five minutes.

Come on! Make a run for it.

Daddy, ready or not, here I come!

You know what? Gladly.

I am in desperate need

of a drink and my two-step.

Yay!

I am free! I am free!

- I am free!

- Oh!

Hey, don't you love that speaker?

It's my favorite worldly possession.

You know it's waterproof, right?

Yes! I-I-I use it in the shower.

Y'all want a plate?

I got all the right things

over here to do a body good.

Boy, mind your manners.

Wait.

- Are those pork ribs?

- Is there another kind?

I'm from Memphis,

and the answer to that question is no.

You got baked beans?

You got a man?

I dare you to jump off!

You would dare me

to do some dumb sh*t like that.

Not trying to hobble

down the aisle in a cast!

Okay. Okay.

Okay, I don't wanna give these

baked beans back to the park.

You guys

I need Jason to get

the f*ck out of my house.

I thought the whole

"divorcing nicely" thing

was your idea.

It was.

That doesn't make it a good one.

This morning, he fixed

the refrigerator light.

It's like he's literally

trying to earn his keep.

I thought divorcing this way

would save me money,

but it's costing me my sanity.

Well, I'm really

impressed with how calm

and relatively rational you sound.

Thank you.

I'm impressed with me too, you know?

I mean, I found this n*gga a place.

I applied to it for him.

I mean, what else a girl gotta do?

Maybe you should just text him.

"Dear Jason.

"Get the f*ck out now, kindly, please.

Thank you." Push emoji!

I thought those were praise hands.

It's interpretive.

Oh.

- Done.

- Wait a minute.

Do you hear that?

Get the f*ck out, Jason

Get the f*ck out

Get the f*ck out, Jason

- Get the f*ck out

- What?

Get the f*ck out, Jason

Get the f*ck out

- Hey

- Push

Get the f*ck out, Jason

- Get the f*ck out

- Yeah

Push emoji, push emoji Push emoji

Matthew!

Hi!

You know I'm about

to turn this circle out, right?

Oh!

- Hey!

- Come to Yatenga!

It's lit!

I'm lit, but it's lit-lit!

Stop saying "lit."

Come! It's so lit.

Sorry.

We on the way. All right, girl.

I know.

Don't be mad at me.

I missed you.

Um, who's this?

Moussa, this is my boss, Barb.

Enchanté.

You ladies enjoying yourselves?

- Mm-hmm.

- Oui. Oui.

- Parlez français?

- No, no.

That's all the French I've got.

How do you say, "Voulez-vous

coucher avec moi?"

All right. Try this.

Okay.

Whoo.

- Ooh! Mm!

- Ugh!

Cherise, I would like to remember

leaving here tonight.

Now, this is an adult beverage.

I think I'm gonna call it

"Back That a*s Up."

- Oh!

- Okay!

Oh, I see. That's supposed to be cute.

It is, right?

Someone save our girls.

Did I tell you guys the ProdTech team

wants to demo a new tool next week?

They're always

trying to test some new sh*t

just to say they're testing new sh*t,

but it's actually the same old sh*t.

Barb, look around.

We are in Harlem on a Saturday night.

- No more work talk.

- I agree.

Tonight's KPIs are fun and f*cking!

So speaking of which,

I need to go see a man about a d*ck.

- Okay.

- Bye.

It's my girl Barb!

Barb in the house!

It's the Chihuahua in heels.

Oh, you love me.

And you still haven't

told me where you got

those boots you had on last time.

Yes, yes. I'm not going to.

You're so pretty.

You have great skin.

Do you use Vaseline?

Girl, come on.

My mom, she uses Vaseline,

and she's, like,

got great skin.

Sondi. No.

Ooh, what you sippin' on?

Can I have some?

- Oh, s what?

- Uh, here.

But be careful.

Cherise is on one tonight.

Hi, girl.

Stop trying to act

like I don't have

exactly what you need!

- Yeah!

- Whoo!

Drop it, drop it, drop it

Oh, my God, wait.

We have to go to Shrine.

I need to dance.

- Yes!

- Yes. Yes.

Oh, no. If I don't take

my grown a*s home

No, no, no, Barb! Come to Shrine!

- Come to Shrine!

- Come to Shrine.

Come, come, come, come, come.

I promise, you're gonna love it.

I promise.

Ooh. "Come to Shrine." Come to Shrine.

- Yes.

- "Come to Shrine."

Oh, I love it already.

Stop playing.

Oh, chérie.

Pardonnez-moi.

- Oh.

- Come on, now.

So we smoking ciggies now

and flirting with random Frenchies?

What's going on with you?

Do I need to call your mom?

Listen, I have not smoked a cigarette

since I lived abroad.

And Renee almost peed

in a bush on the way here.

Sondi's trying to make

out with your boss.

I'm not the one you

should be concerned about.

I am just trying to

blow off some steam.

So if you could just let me.

We're heading next door.

Yeah.

Whoo!

Yeah! We're going to Shrine!

How you gonna do me

Like Drogba, oh

Drogba, oh

Oh, oh, oh Didier Drogba, oh

Ey, ey, ey Didier Drogba, oh

Drogba, oh

Yeah

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

All right, that's it.

What's going on?

Is Amari okay?

They know.

Who knows what?

The university knows.

Just got an email.

Somebody filed a complaint.

- They saw us at the park.

- Are you sure?

I mean, it could just be a mistake.

We've been really careful.

I mean, it-it could just

What?

I got the email too.

f*ck.

Oh, thank God.

Jason!

I got Jimbo's again.

I got the munchies.

Don't judge me.

Jason?

Hmm.

Hmm.

Jason.

Nah, nah, but where were you at

when I called, though?

You ain't answer the phone.

Okay, your baby needs diapers.

Now, you know I can answer

the phone when I want to.

Why you trippin'?

Whoo-hoo!