01x01 - Episode 1

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(FAINT TRAFFIC DIN)

(MUZAK PLAYS)

(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)

(CLICKS PHONE)

(SOFT INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(LIFT DINGS)

(AUTOMATED VOICE
SPEAKING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE)

_

Would you excuse me?

(PHONE RINGS)

MAN (ON VOICEMAIL): It's Easton West.

You know what to do.

sh*t.

I'm sorry,

did I just interrupt
a group prostate exam?

Pull your fingers out of your
f*ck' arses and get to work!

ALL: Yes, Chef!

Easton?

- What are you doing?
- Running a kitchen.

What I'm not doing
is two-bit whoring myself

to some cashed-up clowns
that are profiting off my name.

Easton, I managed to get you this gig,

which makes me manager
of the f*cking year.

Now, you do what your contract says

and you get out there
and you shake some investor hands

and get the hell out of the kitchen.

- ALL: Yes, Chef!
- Who's the soigné?

Oh, are you f*cking kidding me?

Is there a real food critic in
the house or just that tabloid hack?

Do you really
want to take a running jump

off the only bridge that you haven't
burnt in this industry?

See the Chinese cast
of Goodfellas out there?

- They're your last chance.
- Well, send them my apologies

along with a photo
of my Michelin-starred arse.

And tell that critic hack that
the only opinion I'd trust from her

is what her editor's ba*ls taste like.

What the f*ck is that?!

It's supposed to be pork
with potato quenelle.

Does that look like
a quenelle to you, does it?

It's a smear.

I didn't realise
they did quenelles anymore.

What kind of actual f*ck...?!

(GLASS CRASHING)

Anyone else smudges my spud

and I will personally spit-roast you!

Service.

Give that to the hag on 9.

This isn't just your career
that you're messing with, you know?

- And you promised me...
- No, no, no, no!

Why am I still seeing smears?
When I say quenelles...

- ...I mean f*cking quenelles!
- Jesus Christ, Easton,

no-one gives a sh*t about your quenelles!

It's your name and your face
that they want,

and this is one of the few places

where that name
actually still means something.

So if I were you I would be playing ball

and getting the f*ck out of the kitchen

before you get us both into sh*t!

Excuse me, Chef.

The hag on 9 says hello

and she would like to return her
over-salty quenelle back to 1991.

Please for your response?

Easton...

Easton, what are you doing?

(EASTON YELLS)

(THE SAINTS' I'M STRANDED PLAYS)

♪ Like a snake calling on the phone ♪

♪ I've got no time to be alone ♪

♪ There's someone
coming at me all the time ♪

♪ Yeah, babe, I think I'll lose my mind ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm stranded on my own ♪

♪ Stranded far from home ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ I'm riding on a midnight train ♪

♪ But everybody just looks the same ♪

♪ A subway light, its dirty reflection ♪

♪ I'm lost, babe I've got no direction ♪

♪ And I'm stranded on my own ♪

(BIRDS WARBLING)

(CLICKS PHONE)

Have you guys decided yet, or...?

- Oh, I dunno.
- (CLICKS PHONE)

- They look so amazing.
- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Yeah.

Um, yeah, well,
we might come back later, eh?

Yeah, cool. No, you won't.

All right, bye!

And off they go to Zhao's.

Man, why can't we
get that kind of attention?

- 'Cause we aren't Ben Zhao?
- Yet.

And if you don't work
on your customer service skills,

you'll never be Ben Zhao.

Nayani, just do me a favour

and just gaze upon my remix
of Grandma June's Prune Lagoon, okay?

I'm a g*dd*mn artist,
not a friggin' salesperson.

I just feel like we deserve so much more

than just slinging our desserts

out of the gutter
like a pair of strumpets.

- Diana, we are not strumpets.
- Shh.

Zhao's sous-chef, three o'clock.

Mmm-mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

This strumpet wanna humpet that crumpet.

You might actually have to, I dunno,
have a conversation with him first?

Nah. I'm a zero to 100 kinda gal.

What do we think? Should we call it?

I need to study for my exams.

MAN: So how was the stall today?

DIANA: Really good, yeah. Smashed it.

- Hot Buns is hot.
- Hm.

And did you also smash your
enrolment, like you said you would?

Mum, do I really
want to be tied down with uni

when I could be focusing
on my real vocation?

We would both just prefer
if you had a more stable vocation.

We are not saying you can't bake.
You just...

But you need options.

Well, don't speak for Brett.
Brett, what do you want?

I want you both... to be happy.

There you go!
Bretty wants a b*tch to bake.

- Uh-uh. No.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)

- No, no, no. Brett... Brett...
- I'll get it.

No, Brett never said
he wanted a b*tch to bake.

- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- All right, I'm coming. Jeez!

Hi.

Shut... the f*ck up.

Does Denise live here?

Is this...? What is this?
What is happening?

Well, if I'm in the wrong place, I...

I'm Diana!

Your niece, dude.

Oh, right.

I tried to add you on Facey,
like, years ago,

but it ended up
just being a fan account.

It's taken down now.

- Do you mind if I come in?
- Sure. Yes. Come in.

Just in time for some spag bol, love.

You know what?

In real life,
you two have the same eyes.

Mm.

- You have a nice place.
- Thanks. It's all Denise.

Except the blinds. That's my specialty.

Actually, that's how we met.

I installed the blinds
in Denise's old place

after she split up with...

- (COUGHING) c*ck!
- Diana.

- What?
- Diana.

He's my father.
I can call him whatever I want.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Is this bottled pasta sauce?

Pasta's well cooked. Yeah. Al dente.

It's timed perfectly, hon.

Mmm.

I like cooking, but I'm no MasterChef.

I do know my julienne
from my lazy Susan.

- (DIANA CHUCKLES)
- Diana has your cooking genes.

(BANGS TABLE)

I think I'm gonna get an early night.

- Mum, it's 6:30.
- I'm tired.

Brett, can you please see Jimmy...
I'm sorry, Easton out?

No, I can... I can help clean up.

No, um, it's-it's fine. I...

I've been doing fine without your help

for, how long is it now, 30 years?

And as much as I would love you to stay,

because you clearly
have nowhere else to go,

I'm afraid we don't have the space.

- What, nowhere else to go?
- We have a sofa.

Well, I'm not here
because I have nowhere else to go.

I could be in London right now,
or Paris.

You know, I wanted
to get back in touch with my roots,

you know, spend time with family.

(LAUGHS)

You know, the whole Shanghai thing

has been blown out of proportion anyway.

You don't think a chef has thrown
an animal carcass at someone before?

I mean, it's a beat-up.

People in the industry get it.

Well, I'm not in the industry,
I use bottled pasta sauce,

and if you really, really want
to spend time with family, great.

Spend it with f*cking Dad.
He has plenty of room.

And you'd better not drive him.

(MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO)

You know, you might actually
like this place, dude.

We've got quite the food and wine scene.

Can you please slow down?

(TYRES SCREECH)

- f*ck!
- (HORN BEEPS)

Jesus.

Oh. That place there, Zhao's,
that's, like, the hot joint.

Zhao's? As in... Ben Zhao?

What, you know Zhao?

Holy sh*t, dude! He's huge!

We should go say hi.

No.

He can't be that huge.

I mean, he's no Easton West.

Which he's probably happy about
right about now.

I'm kidding!

I'm kidding. I mean, if you had a
place here, you'd sh*t all over him.

Yeah, well, I was thinking about
opening a place up here.

Yeah, cool. Definitely.

I mean, once you've, you know,

served your time and paid your penance,

you should totally
try and make a comeback.

What do you mean, "paid my penance"?

(SCOFFS SOFTLY)

Oh. Okay.

Guys like you, I mean,

you gotta follow the recipe, right?

I mean, you make your
heartfelt apology to the press

and then you go into 'bad man' exile

and then, after all that, then
you can, you know, make a comeback.

I'm not going into 'bad man' exile.
I'm not a bad man.

This place would be lucky to have me.

Okay.

You know I'm actually in the biz, too?

- Desserts are kinda my thing.
- (GROANS SOFTLY)

Actually,
you might be able to help me out.

Could you, like,
put me in touch with someone,

like Nigella, or...?

- We don't talk anymore.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I just need connections, dude.

You know, I mean, I feel like
it's kinda the least you could do

after all these years of radio silence

and not even knowing I exist.

That's a completely separate issue.

You should never
mix business with family.

And can you please slow the f*ck down?!

Jeez. Okay.

(MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO)

- (CLICKS BUTTON)
- (MUSIC STOPS)

Oh.

I got finger-banged there.

Hey, can we do a cookout here one night?

Pop tells me you guys used to do
a mean barbecue on the fire pit.

- (HANDBRAKE CLICKS)
- Or not.

Oh, yeah. Your mum's old cookbook.

I use her recipes as inspo.

I know I never actually
got to meet Nan, but I feel...

This is mine.

Hey, if you need a lift
or, like, a shoulder to cry on,

I'm here for ya, Unkie Eastie.

(HUFFS)

Seriously.

Not about the crying, though!

That'd be weird. Okay!

Laters!

MAN: State your business.

(RACING COMMENTARY ON TV)

Dad.

It's me, Easton.

(RACING COMMENTARY CONTINUES)

Oh.

Jimmy.

The room's in the same spot.

Like you now... full of sh*t.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Ah, it's good to see you, too.

Don't call me 'Jimmy'.

(CHUCKLES)

Jesus...

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES)

(SIGHS)

(STIRRING)

DIANA: I really think we connected.

And he was, like,
super impressed with my stuff.

NAYANI: (ON PHONE) He said that?

Well, I mean, it was in his eyes.

And is he as mean as he seems?

Oh, 100%, but in, like, a cool way.

There isn't a cool way.

There absolutely is. We just
have to pretend like there isn't.

Oh, sh*t. I think I over-egged.

You know, it might actually help
having him around.

Help how? He can't even help himself.

Give it time, Nayani.

I mean, you know, anything's possible.

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- And, besides, I mean, he's got...

really good connections.

_

(GASPS)

- Holy sh*t.
- What?

What?

_

Diana?

Sorry, I gotta go.

Wait. Can you...?

MAN 1: Now, Chef, it's been a while
since you've been back in Adelaide.

EASTON: It's been a while, yes.

Were you glad to see
the Mall's ba*ls are still here?

I don't know what that is.

MAN 2: Now, Chef,
you've had a brutal couple of weeks.

- How are you feeling?
- I wouldn't call it brutal.

Well, you're back in Adelaide.
That's pretty brutal.

And you asked to come on our show,
which is pretty tragic.

- Well, I heard great things.
- Yeah.

Returning home has actually
been on the cards for a while.

I found myself at the stage where
I wanted to get back to my roots,

support the local industry.

And it's interesting you say that

because our producers did some digging

- and they found a direct quote...
- Yeah, that's right.

Where you refer to Adelaide as
"a pitiful, parochial cesspit

"of a syphilitic city
of ill-bred boorish oafs

"who wouldn't know a cassoulet
from a deep-fried donkey's d*ck".

Damn.

Well, clearly, that was said in jest.

Hm.

No, I'm actually loving being home,

spending time with family,
with my dad, and my niece.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure you are.

Let's talk about Shanghai, because
you really didn't hold back, did ya?

Could say you went the whole hog.

I'm not proud of what I did,
but I was under a lot of pressure

and reached boiling point.

- Happens to the best of us.
- Yep.

We all feel the stress
and then punch dudes

and then throw a pig in a lady's lap.

For me, Ben,
that's a regular Friday night.

Yeah, look, if I could go back and...

Was it a 'farm to table' thing
you were going for?

No, no, no.
It was farm to table to cancelled!

Will you let me f*ck' talk?!

I'm trying to apologise, but you
keep interrupting! Stop being rude!

Yes, I went too far,

but I want to put it behind me
and focus on the future.

And, no, no, I have not been cancelled

because I am actually...
I'm actually opening up

my very first
Australian restaurant here.

Hm. Really?

Yeah. I'm bringing Michelin-star
dining to the Adelaide Hills.

It's very exciting.
So, could we please focus on that?

Yeah. Our apologies, Chef.
That actually is quite exciting.

Um... now, did you manage
to bring home the bacon,

or is that still in Shanghai?

- (BOTH LAUGH)
- (SNORTS)

Don't mind us. We're just
carrying on like pork chops.

- (LAUGHS)
- Don't hog all the jokes, Liam.

- Are we 'boaring' you?
- (BOTH LAUGH)

Somebody call the 'hambulance'!

You're with Ben and Liam.

(CHEERING, GLASS SMASHING)

It really wasn't that bad.

I mean, no... nobody even really
listens to popular commercial radio.

You're supposed to help
my situation, not screw it harder.

Why the Christ did I even listen to you?

Well, I mean,
I said to lay low for a while.

I didn't say go announce your comeback.

I mean, how the hell are you supposed

to start a restaurant now, ya big newb?

I mean, who the hell are you, anyway?

You run a shitty cake stall.

When I was your age,
I was working for Robuchon.

Yeah, as a dish-pig.

You know,
if there's one thing I cannot stand,

it's fat girls playing
their 'wacky, zany, funny' card

to cover up their insecurities.

Oh, don't be such a big baby!

And don't leave your sh*t with me!

♪ Ooh, wah, ooh, wah ♪

♪ Ooh, wah ♪

♪ Ooh, wah ♪

♪ Ooh, wah, ooh, wah ♪

♪ Ooh, wah, ooh, wah... ♪

DENISE: Knock, knock.

- (VACUUM WHIRRS)
- Won't be long.

I can do it myself, Mum.

I'm doing the other rooms anyway.

(VACUUM WHIRRS)

Finally doing your enrolment, I see.

(BIRD CAWING)

(STARTS ENGINE)

(HANDBRAKE CREAKS)

Chef West!

Dude, it's been crazy.

After I came back from London,

I was just sick and tired
of being someone's b*tch.

You know?

I just wanted to do my food
in my own joint

and be close to the Hills,
so I started this place.

And the first year, I got my first hat,

second year, second hat.

This is my third year.
And you know what?

I don't really care about that bullshit.

No, well,
it's like with my Michelin stars...

It didn't even matter
when Eminem raved about me

or, uh, Marco Pierre White named us
his fave Australian restaurant.

No, no.

For me,

it's about being able to express
my life journey through my food.

Nainai.

She's inspired my whole menu.

(SIGHS)

Anyway, enough about me.

What can I do you for?

Well, actually, I'm here
to offer you an opportunity.

How would you like
to get in on the ground...?

Oh. Wait, wait, wait. Ah, here we go.
Thanks, Kwame.

Deep-fried snapper on betel leaf,
locally sourced.

Try it.

It's good, right?

People go nuts for it.
It's even got its own hashtag.

I'm not really across that stuff.

You should catch up.

Anyway, sorry, you were saying?

Yes, well, uh,
I'm not sure if you've heard,

but, um, I'm starting up my own...

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait till you try this.

Meat-pie dumpling

with Nan's special sauce.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Right?

People dig the authentic
but with a twist thing.

Actually, I have you to thank for that.

Do you remember when you fired me?

You said I'd never be anything more
than a small-town Chinese cook.

Turns out you were right.

Worked out pretty well, though.

Um, I don't remember saying that.

I do.

All right, look...

I know I'm not the most
popular guy at the moment,

but cheffing is what I'm known for.

When all this bullshit has blown over,

I really want
to get something going here.

Dude, dude, come on. Blow over?
(CHUCKLES)

This isn't just about Shanghai,
this is your whole career.

Uh, bullying, abuse, sexism,
generally just being a d*ck.

You are gonna need to take some time,

like, find a new narrative or something

'cause people are over
the angry white guy schtick.

It's not a schtick.

Well, then people are over you.

My Nan's mapo ba*ls.

Hashtag "Nan's ba*ls".

What a prick.

(EXHALES SOFTLY)

(TYRES SCREECH)

Oh... Come on! For f*ck's sake!

- (BLARES HORN)
- Move it!

(BLARES HORN)

Jeez... (MUTTERS ANGRILY)

Shoo!

Move!

f*ck' get out!

You aren't better than me!

You're a... you're a bird,

ya f*ck' mangy

f*ck' flightless f*ck!

(GRUNTS)

f*ck you!

f*ck! (WHIMPERS)

(g*nsh*t)

Jesus Christ!

Oh...

Thanks for scaring her off, dickhead.

Is nobody in this place
just a little bit happy to see me?

Happy to see the back of you.

Did it occur to you that I might
just want to see my family...

say hello?

Well...

hello.

Hello, Dad.

- Je...!
- Gotcha!

There's your 'c*ck and van' sorted.

It's 'coq au vin'!

And it's with chicken, ya...

ya lunatic!

(SIGHS)

You know, the best thing
about people hating you,

once they're done hating you,

they just forget about ya.

I didn't think you liked desserts.

Well, I like Diana's.

It tastes like Mum's custard.

When was the last time
you used the fire pit?

Oh, buggered if I know.

But if you are doing a cookout,
you'd better invite Diana.

She's always on my bloody arse about it.

Yeah, good idea.

(PHONE CHIMES)

_

_

_

_

_

_

What's all this?

Said you wanted a cookout.

Who invited you, dickhead?

Clearly not you, ya arsehole.

Okay.

Oh, this is seriously next level.

I mean, Mum used to tell me
about the pit and the barbecue,

but, oh, man, the taste...

is good.

Oh, it's not that good.

My rabbit's raw.

I think he's trying to k*ll me.

No, I just didn't burn it to a crisp
like you would've done.

I thought cooks were meant to cook.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I believe this is yours.

Thanks.

Also, I tried your cakes.

I might have trained
in top French kitchens,

but the reason I started cooking
was actually my mum.

I think she'd be proud.

Yeah, well, I'm, you know, all about
that authentic family sh*t

and I just put my own Diana spin on it.

Yeah, you see, that's fantastic.
It's a narrative.

It's your narrative.

In a way, it's our narrative.

What a w*nk*r.

I'm going to bed.

Don't choke on your own vomit.

Don't drown in your own bullshit.

So, is your plan
just to stick it out at the stall?

I dunno, I mean,

I probably won't even have that
for that much longer

because I'm broke

and Mum's on my back about uni

so I don't become you,

so, yeah, I dunno.

Don't ever let anybody
tell you what to do with your life.

I didn't.

And don't underestimate yourself.
You're more than just some baker.

Okay...

Look, if you found someone with
clout who could raise your profile,

you could become huge.

Yeah, I know. That's why
I wanted Nigella's deets...

Well, Nigella's a hack.

And she can't make you one of the
greatest pastry chefs in the world.

What you need
is someone to partner up with,

build something together,

take it to the next level.

And that someone is you?

That's what family's for, right?

So I would be... your partner?

Or apprentice.

Partner.

Sure.

Partner.

Great. We open in a month.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah, we open in a month...

I'm here to support my niece.

Well, I hope your food's easier
to swallow than your bullshit.

DIANA: How about 'Hot Buns, Hotter a*s'?

What do you mean, "burial ground"?

It's a cliché to f*ck me.

I have a pair, you f*ck-knuckle!

They're just all up inside me!