02x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

Pull your fingers out of your

f*cking arses and get to work.

If I'm in the wrong place, I

I'm Diana, your niece, dude.

I'm actually in the biz too.

Desserts are kind of my thing.

What you need is someone to partner up with.

Do you really think our mother is

buried out in the backyard?

Ahhh.

- What is the truth?

- Your mother packed up and left.

There's been a revolution in food

while you've had your head up your arse.

Get out of my f*cking kitchen. You're fired.

I am trying to tell a story

which is something

that nobody in this family

seems to understand.

I know you're both angry with me.

- [CLATTERING]

- Dad?

You should come to London.

I don't want her thinking

that her entire family are

a bunch of dysfunctional liars.

- But we are.

- Where's Grandma June?

I made you and if you weren't young,

fat and female,

no-one would offer you sh*t.

- Are you ok?

- No. I'm like really nervous.

You're allowed to be.

Do I look ok?

I think we scrubbed up alright

considering we got changed in

an airport bathroom.

- Mmm.

- Oh, I can't say bathrooms anymore.

Dunnies. We got changed in the

airport dunnies, mate.

- Harry, no one actually says dunnies.

- Is that bad?

Harold, while we are here,

please do not judge me

based off my insane family, ok?

Because I am nothing like them.

I'm English.

We invented mad families.

You've seen The Crown.

My family aren't like mad, mad,

they're like

mad mad.

[LAUGHS FORCIBLY]

Maybe we should have stayed in London.

Nonsense. We're going to have

a bloody spiffing good time.

No, can we just sit here for just

a little bit longer?

[LAUGHS FORCIBLY]

"You're my main squeeze, Denise.

"You've got me on one knee today,

tomorrow, forever.

"I tie myself to thee."

"All I really want to do is just to

love and hold ya."

"And if you'll be my Marge,

I'll forever be your Homer."

You can't reference The Simpsons

in your wedding vows, you idiot!

- Bretty!

- Diana!

Dianna, oh, gosh, Diana. Oh, I love you.

- I missed you. I missed you too.

- I missed you so much.

- Thank you for coming.

- Of course!

Harry, this my Bretty.

G'day, Hazza, mate.

So very pleased to meet you, Brett.

Oh, wow, you're a proper posh pom.

No, not that posh.

Oh, my gosh, please tell me you

are not writing your wedding vows,

like, right at the last minute.

Ah, like arriving at your parents' wedding

an hour before it starts last minute?

Yeah, I am. Stuck on some words.

Harry can help you out.

Yeah, he's like a grammar n*zi.

He could even translate it

into Latin for you,

- make it sound real sexy.

- Ah.

Non potes dicunt grammatica n*zi amplius.

- See?

- Ah, no.

It's a poem, and it's got to be from me.

In English.

I'm sure it will be a Homeric masterpiece.

How did you?

Hey, where's Mum?

She's getting ready inside the house.

I'll go say hi, but I'm really,

really, really glad

you guys have finally decided

to tie the knot,

and that you moved into Pop's place.

- I'm so glad you're back.

- [KISSES]

Bye.

Hazza. [CHUCKLES]

No more Simpsons.

"You're my main squeeze, Denise"

- Brett is lovely.

- [MOBILE RINGS]

Brett is the sane one.

You wait till you meet the others.

- Oh, it's Viggo.

- No!

- Should I get it?

- No.

It's going to be about the menu.

It is a day late.

Viggo.

Yep, yep, she's actually

working on it right now.

No, no, she's getting straight into

it. I'll let you know, alright?

Bye.

Di, you really need

to deliver your menu, ok?

Great. Let's go see Mum.

Nice package.

Why do you always do that?

- What

- Well, just appear like Nosferatu.

Why can't you say hello,

exchange a pleasantry?

Like what?

- I dunno. Your hair looks nice?

- Thank you.

This is my last box of 2019 Pinot.

Who do I send the invoice to?

Not me.

Such a shame having

a Michelin-star chef around

refusing to cater the family function.

Denise understands I've given up the game.

I'm happier than I've ever been.

- Really? Brewing beer?

- Yeah.

I've just about finished my

micro-micro brewery in my bedroom.

Maybe it's time I stepped

into your pleasure chamber.

Must get a bit lonely up here.

No

Yeah, well, maybe a bit.

If that's what you're

[WHISPERS] Why don't you ever just

say what you mean?

You want to have sex in my bedroom?

Do I?

Yes. Yes, you do.

And I consent, or whatever it is

you're supposed to say these days.

- I just have to get some more beer.

- Right.

[LAUGHS]

"You're my one knee, my squeeze"

Hi, cuz.

- Tammy, you ?

- Yeah, no, yeah.

Hey, newbie celebrant alert.

I forgot to ask you a few questions.

One, what music do you want

the pianist to play

- when the bride arrives?

- Uh

Two, I hired two c*ck

to act as a symbol of love,

can we put that on invoice?

- Three

- Tammy, sorry.

I'm still writing my vows.

Could you make some executive

decisions for me, buy me some time?

- Will do.

- Thank you.

Executive decisions. Invoice the birds.

"You're my main squeeze, Denise"

Knock-knock. [LAUGHS]

May we enter the matrimonial chamber?

Diana.

Hi, Mum.

- It's good to see you.

- Hi.

Oh, don't cry, please.

You'll ruin your eyeliner.

I'll come

- Give you a kiss.

- [AIR-KISSES]

Cheers, here you go.

Well, I love the suit.

It's very, very Ellen, you know,

pre-cancellation.

It creases the moment I move.

Brett chose it of course.

He's got a better eye than I have.

- Delighted to meet you, Denise. I'm Harry.

- Oh, my God.

- I'm so sorry.

- Diana has told me so much about you all.

Oh, that was like a line

out of a Hugh Grant movie.

Look at you both. I'm just

so happy that you're all here.

- Congrats to you, Denise.

- Cheers.

Thank you.

Oh, my God, Nayani. What?

Hey! What are you doing down there?

Hems.

Supposed to be catering with Kwame.

- Kwame's here?

- Yeah.

Cool.

How have you been?

My God, it's been a minute.

- Yeah, nice of you to stay in touch.

- Yeah, you too.

Well, I'm sure I look terrible.

We just got back from a couple

days in Qatar.

That was really fun, wasn't it?

Oh, my God, the hotel we stayed at,

ridonk, it had this amazing

rooftop bar, it was crazy.

And Harry's family owns a couple of

Michelin-starred restaurants

in London and he's just

about to open one himself.

And I'm going to be doing the pastries.

That's really exciting.

Oh, my God! And our place in Camden,

our terrace, so beautiful

and what's-her-name, babe, Baby Spice?

- I always forget.

- Emma.

Emma. Emma lives down stairs

and she's so nice in person.

- Oh, my God.

- Thanks for update I didn't ask for.

Mum, why didn't you ask me to help out?

I could of baked the cake?

That's like what I do.

Here, I'll do the hems. Here you go.

Well, you booked your flight to get

in so close to the ceremony so.

And you can't sew.

- I can so sew.

- Ok.

Give it here. It's really weird that

you are holding on to it so tightly.

- Give!

- No.

- Give it.

- [SCREAMS]

I am so sorry, Mum.

No, no, no, it's fine. Have a rest.

Go and take Harry to the new guest room.

Harry, it's so lovely that you're here.

Diana, if you see Brett, could you

ask him to pop his head in?

- Yeah.

- Good.

I am so sorry, Mum.

All good.

What the hell am I going to wear?

sh*t.

Are you ok?

I can't believe what Nayani was saying.

Oh, which bit?

She didn't like say it out loud, but

I can hear everything she's thinking.

And Mum, having a go

because our plane was late.

It's like, sorry but I have my own

life now, Mum, you know what I mean?

Weddings are stressful,

but everyone seems lovely.

No, no, Harry.

No, my beautiful British weirdo.

Everyone's crazy.

They're just pretending because you're here.

As soon as you leave,

out comes Jekyll or Hyde

or whoever the f*cked one was.

Jekyll, yeah.

Look, I'll prove it to you.

- Quick.

- Grow up, Easton.

[LAUGHS FORCIBLY]

Why are you laughing?

Nothing, I'm just happy.

- Diana.

- Margot.

The dessert queen returns.

- Good to see you.

- And?

This is Harry, my boyfriend.

- Harry.

- Harry is a restaurateur.

His family runs just like

a tiny empire in London,

three Michelin Stars.

You've heard of Saria's Of course.

- Yes, that's theirs.

- Wow!

No big deal. He's really successful.

Kind of like how you used to be.

Such a pleasure, Easton. I'm a massive fan.

My father says to say hello.

Dicky Sarraf's son.

You look just like him.

- He is bald now actually.

- Ah. [LAUGHS]

We had all your books in our house

growing up.

[DISTORTED INDISTINCT CHATTER]

It's like seeing a unicorn.

I mean, I knew you were related,

but meeting him in the flesh.

Wow. Can't believe he's not cooking anymore?

What do you mean he's not cooking anymore?

Well, he just said that.

But he's never been happier.

God, I feel faint.

Di, you need to eat. You know how

you get when your blood sugar's low.

- I'll find you a snack.

- Ok.

Di, I'm in trouble. I need your

help. The words aren't coming.

I'm going to sound like an idiot.

I am an idiot for leaving it this late.

I'm an idiot too, Bretty.

I spilt OJ all over Mum's white suit.

- The white suit?

- Yep.

Oh, no.

Everyone's acting really weird, Brett.

She's gonna need my help.

She's not good with clothes.

I'm so hungry.

- Brett, can I have a quick word?

- Tam, I'm up to my neck.

- I cannot do the ceremony.

- What, what, what, why?

Uncle Warren. He's a ship's captain.

He can legally marry people.

He owns a kayak.

Tammy, what are you talking about?

It's the responsibility of binding

you together

for all eternity, Brett.

It's set off my anxiety.

[SHOUTS] Uncle Warren?

Hassy, wozzy. Did you get me a snack?

Sorry. I got talking to Kwame.

You guys are friends, I hear.

- [LAUGHS] Hi, Kwame.

- Hey, Diana.

How do you two know each other?

Oh, we were

Fruit-pickers. We picked fruit. Cherries.

Pluckin' cherries, last summer.

- Ah, the famous Uraidla produce.

- Mm-hm.

Di, Kwame's a bit behind

with the hors d'oeuvres,

so I'm going to jump in and lend a hand.

- Oh, no, you don't need to

- Nonsense.

I was raised in kitchens.

Well, I'll help too. I can help.

No, no, I think you need to go

and have a lie down

and knock the jet lag on the head.

Maybe take some fruit.

Is your eyelash?

Yep.

[GLASS CLANKS]

Yeah, sorry, mate.

You were saying about the asparagus

'cause I really like that.

I add yeast to the wort,

and that metabolises with the sugar

and produces the alcohol

and the carbon dioxide

and that's where the real magic

of the micro-micro brewery happens.

You know, you really should have

a chat to Diana

for both of your sakes.

Oh, no, it's fine.

You've haven't been fine

since the restaurant got shut down

and she left you for England.

We haven't got much time,

if you still want to.

Might leave my shirt on just to save time.

Oh, my God. Sorry.

I thought. I thought this was our room.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Ew, ew, ew, ew.

- [DOOR CLOSES]

You know, maybe what you need

to start manifesting is

a raison d'etre?

Or a job.

Where you going?

Oh, I'm just going to go and have a word

with the sick perverted part of me

that wanted to see the inside of your room.

You do realise you just spent 15 minutes

explaining the fermentation process

to a winemaker?

[DOOR SLAMS]

[LAUGHS FORCIBLY]

Hi. Thanks for coming.

I need a stiff one.

A stiff drink.

Do you do shots?

No. I could put some house wine

in a small cup?

There was a nice local Pinot

but that's all gone

and the other one that's left

is kind of nasty.

I would actually go for the beer.

Yeah, boozier than

a politician's lunch hour.

Yeah, it's actually crafted right

here on site

at the Micro Micro Brewery by Easton West.

The celebrity chef, you know?

No. No, I've never heard of him.

Ok.

Um

- I bet you missed me, hey, Poppy?

- [UNCORKS BEER]

TBH, I don't even know

why I bothered coming back.

It's not like any of these living

d*uche-nozzles

even give a crusty crap,

you know what I mean?

Up ya bum, ya old b*stard.

[BURPS]

[LABOURED BREATHING]

Cuz, cuz, all I could find

was a used sandwich bag.

[PANTS]

All good. All good.

Ok, I've got to go help Denise.

Fashion is her Achilles heel.

[GAGS]

- What?

- A seed. [GAGS]

- What?

- [STAMMERS] [GAGS]

Sesame seed. You saved my life, Brett.

Ooh, I've really got to go.

It was all the talk of eternity

that was setting me off.

Listen, listen, listen, listen.

Denise and I are going to be

together forever

whether we get married or not.

This marriage thing is just

a public declaration of love.

We just need your help

with a bit of the admin, right?

- Right, cuz?

- Alright.

Oh, yeah. I need to do this.

- You need to do this.

- I can do this.

- You can do this.

- I will do this.

- You will do this.

- I got this.

- You got this, cuz. Come on, come on.

- I got your back brother.

- [HYPERVENTILATES] Thanks.

- [BOTH GRUNT]

Ok. I really have to go.

Where you going, doofus?

The ceremony is about to start!

D

[RETRO TUNE PLAYS]

- I picked a classic for you, bro!

- [PUNCH LANDS]

[GRUNTS]

[MOANS] Where's Brett?

We've tried everything.

Oh, my God, Nayani, I can hear the pianist.

You've got a wedding dress?!

No, no, no. [LAUGHS] No, I can't wear that.

- That was Mum's.

- Why?

It's kind of romantic.

Their marriage ended very badly

and my father's picture is out there,

it will be bad juju if he sees this dress.

Well, right now, it's a choice

between the wedding dress juju,

the Ellen suit covered in orange juju

or whatever that is you've got on.

We have about two minutes. No pressure.

[SNORING]

[SNORTS]

It's all right, I nod off at weddings too.

You're back. I missed you. You were

gone for hours and hours.

About 20 minutes.

What did Kwame say?

Oh, lovely guy.

Just a bit of industry banter.

[MOCKINGLY] A lovely guy,

just industry banter.

[BOTH HISS]

Are you going to drink the rest

of your wine because I ran out?

Feeling alright, darl?

- Yeah, babe, I'm fine. Great.

- Excellent. Good.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you

the love birds, Ringo and Paul.

What?

And also Brett and Denise.

[THE WEDDING MARCH PLAYS]

Oh, my God, what is she wearing?

And why is he giving Mum away?

Wow, love, you look so bridally.

Diana stabbed me with a pin

and I spilt drink all over

the white suit, so

You look beautiful.

Thanks.

Could you move? I have to be

on the end for the tribute.

- What tribute?

- Sh!

Friends and family,

we would like to acknowledge

that we are meeting here today

on the shared lands

of the Peramangk and Kaurna Peoples

and pay our respects to Elders past,

present and emerging.

My name is Tammy Fraser,

Brett Fraser is my cousin.

- And what a silver fox he is, hey?

- [LAUGHTER]

- Whoo. Go, Bretty.

- [LAUGHS]

Brett really is the slightly less successful

but equally loved,

George Clooney of our mob.

What I don't understand is why

you get to get up

and do official business and I get to

sit here looking like a peach sorbet.

- Just don't make it all about you,

- Play nice. You two, play nice.

TAMMY: Before we start the vows,

as a mark of respect,

Easton West will fire one round from

the shotgun of Denise's father, Jim.

[SCOFFS] What?!?

No.

No, I was Pop's favourite.

I'll do it. Diana.

[WORRIED CHATTER]

[SCREAMS]

[DISTORTED SCREAMS]

[IN SLOW-MO] I was jet-lagged.

This is a code of conduct for your

two weeks community service

you'll be doing in our soup kitchen.

If one of you doesn't turn up,

fails to make a meal,

or in any way disrespects a member

of our community,

more time will be added

to both your firearms sentences.

Um

I got to get back to London, so

Well, don't mess up.

Or you'll end up cooking us Christmas lunch.

Which is a lot of fun, actually.

My dog Monty and I both dress up.

Oh, cute.

[EXHALES]

Is there a problem, Easton?

[STRAINED] Sign it!

Hey!

Can you just

Look, yes, you hate me

and truly, vice versa,

but we just need to get along

until we finish out the soup kitchen.

You just stay away from me.

I find you triggering.

[SCOFFS] I'm triggering?! Oh, my

God, Easton, you are insane.

You and Denise lied

about my grandmother being dead,

you treated me like sh*t in my own kitchen,

practically drove me out of town,

and I come back and there's not even

an apology.

That is what is insane.

I'm not sure if you've noticed,

but we moved on with our lives.

We were perfectly happy

until you stepped off that plane

with your meticulously manscaped boyfriend.

"He's everything you used to be, Easton."

Well, he's not.

He's a rich kid whose rich w*nk*r

father handed him everything.

The only thing that's insane

around here is you.

[SCOFFS]

I was jet-lagged

d*ck weed.

HARRY: For an animal riddled with chlamydia,

koalas are actually quite cute.

To be honest with you, I actually

think emus are my favourite though.

Look.

It was so nice of your folks

to take me out, you know?

Such a shame you couldn't come.

Harry

did I act insane at the wedding?

You were jet-lagged.

So I did?

You were nervous about seeing your family.

And you drank 15 mimosas.

I literally shot a c*ck.

My parents hate me and Easton wants

to k*ll me in my sleep.

Well, the ranger said

the c*ck's going be fine.

One of them is.

Mm

I know we didn't get married, but

I would still like to hear your vows.

What were you going to say?

Uh

Um

Denise.

- Mm!

- I've been thinking.

What?

The guest bedroom,

when Harry and Diana leave,

maybe I could take it.

It's a guest bedroom, it's for guests.

My room is so dark and moist.

I'll buy a dehumidifier.

We'll think about it, Easton.

- I'll see you in the morning.

- Yeah.

- Night.

- Good night.

- No, no, no, no, Denise!

- Brett, he's my brother.

We have to kick him out the nest.

He might land on his face or get

eaten by a goanna,

but that's how nature works, it's cruel.

He's been a bit lost since the

restaurant folded

and Diana leaving and

Jim left you the house.

We need some us time.

Yeah, I know, but I want him

to make his own decision.

Goodnight.

Look, everyone has their off days.

Maybe you just need to be the bigger person.

Apologise to Easton and Denise.

Lead by example.

[DOOR OPENS]

[SIPS LOUDLY]

Night.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Good night, Chef.

Nighty night, sh*t Given.

Di, you and Easton only need to

survive together for two weeks.

I know, I know. The priest lady said

we had to follow their recipes.

I bet Jesus didn't serve his fish

without seasoning, a wedge of lemon.

Maybe I could add in cream?

This whole thing is ridiculous.

Let's just get this over and done with.

- No, I'm not done.

- It's done. We're serving.

Easton, you refused to help cook

so it's my soup.

- You're causing another scene.

- I'm causing a scene?

You're causing the scene,

you gas lighting gonad.

If it wasn't for your toddler tantrum,

we wouldn't be here in the first place.

- God I hate you.

- Yeah, ditto.

- Give

- Fine, have your slop.

Needs salt.

- HARRY: Ohhh! Diana!

- DIANA: Is Easton in here?

MAN: Diana tells me you won't cook.

I refuse to cook for a world that

rewards talent with emojis.

If you deliberately

sabotage our community service,

I will make your life

a pastel-coloured hell.

Why didn't you tell me that you

and Kwame dated?

I'm going on sex strike. These

sacred privates are off limits.