Lovey, who's Alice?
Look, I'm sorry I called you, Jack.
My mam passed away on Thursday
of cirrhosis of the liver,
brought on by a lifetime of me dad.
Do you wanna tell me why you
dread seeing your dad so much?
Randall
Somebody call an ambulance, please.
The deceased, Randall H Long,
was the widower of Agnes Long
Alice.
We'll agree to the higher payment
if you agree to shared custody.
My client's daughter
is not for sale.
What does that mean?
Shared custody is not in
Celia's best interest.
She's the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen in my life.
It is very nice to see you
so happy.
I mean, I wish I understood it
better, but
Shhh. How is she?
What are you doing?! What the f*ck?!
Why would you do that, Jack?!
You're OK.
My dad used to come into
my room when I was a kid.
He used to wait until my
mum was passed out drunk.
I really thought by now that it
would be different, Jack.
I love you.
But we don't have a
future together, you know.
You got it.
No, I'm calling by coincidence.
Are you all right?
Arnold Circus, half an hour, please.
I don't know where to begin.
I want to hear everything
you have to say, so
..I'll stay here all day
if that's what it takes.
I suppose the first words
out of my mouth should be,
"Congratulations, Alice,
"I'm very happy for you and
I wish you nothing but the best."
I think that's probably
required by law,
actually, but there ought to be a
limit on how much you can treat a
person like sh*t and still
expect to hear that.
Well, you don't have to be gracious.
There's no danger of that.
How could you not tell me in person?
Or call me at least?
I thought this was very difficult
..that you wouldn't want
me to be party to it,
and I thought this was
..easier for you.
No, you thought it would
be easier for YOU.
Yeah, maybe that too.
OK, then why didn't you
write me a letter or send me
a text or a f*cking homing pigeon
with a note tied to its foot?
I did try to write.
It's just not my strength.
After everything that's
passed between us,
I just can't imagine anything
more callous or cowardly.
OK, clearly, I handled it in
the wrong way.
You're so many things, but,
until today, you've never been ugly.
This was never gonna be good news
..no matter how it was
delivered, you know.
I would've bet anything
that you still cared enough
for me, just as a person,
that you would treat me
with compassion and respect,
and not send a f*cking
just an invite in the post.
I thought that I was doing that.
Jack, it's been two years.
Two years, 200 years.
If you have somebody on
their knees in front of you,
you don't leave them waiting there,
you help them up.
Two years ago, you said
you were all f*cked up
and that you'd always be alone.
Would you prefer if
that were the case?
No.
But you said if you could be
with anyone, you would be with me.
Yes, I did.
Yeah, that was just
bollocks, clearly.
None of it. Well, then,
how did we get here, Alice?
What happened?
I fell in love.
Life just stuns you, Jack
..even when you think
you know everything.
Mm-hm.
And I know how much this is gonna
hurt you and I'm so sorry for that
because that's the last
thing that I wanna do.
You keep doing it.
You fell in love?
Yeah.
With someone else? Yeah.
And out of love with me.
It's different.
What What does that mean?
This is different to that.
How is this different from that?
In love is in love.
It's unfettered and
it's uncomplicated.
Oh, don't make it sound
f*cking fancy. Just say it.
Say what a billion people
say every day, say,
"I met somebody and I moved on."
I met somebody and I moved on.
OK.
Is this the way you wanna leave it?
That's everything I have.
Congratulations, Alice.
I'm very happy for you and
I wish you nothing but the best.
Towards thee I roll,
thou all-destroying
but unconquering whale.
To my last, I grapple with thee.
From hell's heart, I stab at thee.
For hate's sake, I spit
my last breath at thee.
And thus, I drop my spear.
Good, good
Good. Thank you.
That was a supreme act
of friendship.
No, no problem.
Give me a minute, I can go again.
I'll be God and you be
Friedrich Nietzsche.
You're all right.
I think that's enough.
What can I do for you?
Can we talk some more?
Cos it was so lovely earlier?
Do you want something? I've still
got all that tea you sent.
Is that Celia's?
No, I like to display the work
of other children on my wall.
It's beautiful.
Alice, can you say what
you came to say, please?
Tea would be helpful.
Shouldn't you be wearing a ring?
I didn't wear it today.
Where's your ID necklace?
I'd outgrown that.
So, I met him at a charity event.
I started going to them out of
this weird, philanthropic urge
I was getting.
Turns out they're just thinly
veiled singles' nights, really.
And tax-deductible.
What does he do?
He's a footballer's agent.
OK, did not see that coming.
Me neither!
What's he like?
And don't be expansive.
Y-you know, he's, like
..handsome and strapping? I don't
That's it?
You said not to be expansive.
Be slightly more expansive
than that, please.
OK, erm Funny, clever, lovely,
passionate, brilliant at his job
Yeah, OK, that's Yeah,
that's expansive enough, I think.
So, he knew my company and
he gave me some money to run
and I felt really good around him.
And then, erm
..we started dating and I just
..I just woke up one day
and realised
that I was actually quite happy.
And I think he must have
been too cos he proposed.
And then, so I
..I thought to myself,
"Well, I can back away from this
very unexpected turn of events
"or I can brave prosperity
"..like normal people."
So, it happened fast?
We met eight months ago,
so that's not nothing.
So
I mean, what could you
possibly want with me, then?
Why do you
why do you want me there?
Because I do not want to
lose you from my life.
I want so much for
you to understand
..and for you just
..not to hate me.
I'll never hate you. I'll just
..try and imagine that you're dead.
And I'll fail.
And then I'll sh*t my pants every
time I walk into a busy bar,
that's all.
Would you give me away?
Or be my man of honour?
Alice, I cannot be there.
I can't physically witness it.
I cannot sit there quietly
and listen to you promise
yourself to another man.
I'm not I
It's not gonna happen.
But it won't be real
if you're not there.
I don't want it to be real.
Get to the part where you
told her to f*ck off!
Where you ran into the hallway,
stood at the top of the stairs
and told her to go sh*t in her hat!
I have two choices here - the path
of acceptance or the path of anger.
Anger! Anger every time!
Blow acceptance out your arse!
Anyone can get angry.
It's the path of acceptance
that marks a person.
As a prat!
If you did this to her,
you'd be arrested.
It might actually be better for me.
If I see it, it might help me to
move on. Move on now!
Pretend you've seen it,
you stupid b*stard!
I do want her to be happy.
With you!
You want her to be happy with you!
Otherwise, you want her to
be absolutely miserable!
Alice?
Alice!
I'll see you when I come back down.
Jack, open up. I just want to say
welcome to you and your guest.
Your uninvited guest, your date.
And your
..suit of armour, your beard.
Hello.
Well
..you could've just written "Celia".
Bothered you a bit, did it?
Juvenile.
Bravo.
Bravo to you, Jack. Thank you.
Piece of cake.
Look at you. Look at you!
Rrrr!
Hiya! Hi.
Oh, my God, she said, "Hi."
She did.
Hiya!
Shall we spell your name?
Yes. Yes! OK.
C.
Yes.
Eh. Yes!
I. Yes!
You're so good at this, my God.
I couldn't even do it
as fast as you.
Hello? Hey! You all right?
Found you.
Erm We're wanted in the garden.
Yeah, more pictures. Oh, God,
we've got a needy photographer.
Erm Love, this is Jack.
Oh, hey! Pleased to meet you.
Congratulations.
You too. Congratulations.
Thank you, thank you.
And thank you, thank you for coming.
No worries.
And this little treasure is Celia.
Hello, Celia. Hello.
My God, she is fantastic.
Would she like to be flower girl?
There's an excellent crown of roses
in it just for you
..if you sign on.
Although I'm pretty sure you
can have 'em anyway, eh?
She never says no
to a crown of roses.
OK, you stay there. Right there.
Well, Jack, please join
and bring Celia.
We'll make sure you get some prints.
Yes!
Oh, thank you very much,
that's very nice.
Oh, not at all.
You're the man of honour.
It's just back to the left as
you come out the rear end of
the property, you can't miss it,
all right? OK, cool. Thank you.
We'll see you there, yeah?
See ya. Bye, Celia. Bye. Bye.
OK.
Come, come closer to me, my love.
There we go.
OK, smile.
Another one.
So, er
..Alice tells me you were
part of the Hashimoto's team.
Yeah. You know about Hashimoto's?
Yeah, my sister, has it.
Before your work, the only treatment
was Synthroid to perpetuity.
That's exactly right.
So, what's it like?
Doing things that change
people's lives,
as opposed to just
entertaining 'em?
I think sports help
people a great deal.
Yeah, you might be right.
See, mostly, I come at it from
the side of the players.
Were you a player yourself?
Yeah. Not a very good one.
Look, if it's all right
to say so, Jack,
I have enormous respect for
the fact that you're here.
I don't think I could
have done it, you know,
had the roles been reversed.
And you actually seem nice,
which is obviously a nightmare.
Alice's happiness
now is only possible
because you showed her that
..happiness is a possibility.
The rest is just luck and timing.
So, I was Danny's first client,
which is how I got the best man gig.
That and the fact that, as you
can see, most of the others
are not presentable.
Alice, if Danny's our big brother,
after tomorrow's ceremony,
- you'll be our big sister.
- Aww.
We are so glad to have this
arsehole off the streets.
As are the police.
Erm, Alice and Danny,
my big brother and sister,
I just wanted to say
..here's to incest.
Cheers!Cheers!
Jack, did you want to
say a few words?
Hmm? No, no. Hey, come on, Jack.
Our man of honour, Jack Caine.
Oh, hello, everybody.
Sorry, I've, erm
..I've not got anything prepared.
Somehow this is the only thing that
Maya left out of her field manual.
No, no, speeches weren't
actually part of the plan, so
Sorry. No, but it's fine.
Oh, go ahead, obviously.
OK, well, as you can see,
I'm, erm
I'm part of the
Alice crowd, obviously,
but it has been terrific
to meet Danny.
He seems like a lovely man -
kind, funny and smart enough
even to keep up with Alice most
days, which is no small thing.
So
..for those of you who have not
spent a lot of time with Alice,
but are about to
..I hope you are prepared for
the fact that you are about
to lose every argument,
even if you have the stronger case.
I hope you're ready to have your
mind read on a regular basis,
which is terrifying,
but a humbling experience.
I think you should be prepared for
the strange fact that when
Alice is around, you're never
aware of the passage of time.
Be ready for nothing
to make sense
..and yet for everything
to make sense.
Do not be alarmed, my friends.
This is all perfectly normal.
It's not normal.
It's It is wildly
better than normal.
it's wonderful.
So, this is just a long way of
saying, Danny, do not f*ck this up.
Tomorrow at noon,
take this amazing person's hand
..and never let it go.
Remember to be grateful
because you have been
kissed by the stars.
And stay fit and healthy because you
are going to want to live forever.
To Danny and to Alice, everybody,
the bride and groom.
To the bride and groom.
Are you OK? Hmm?
What was you saying?
Hey.
Are you ready for bed?
Goodnight birds, goodnight bees,
goodnight plants,
- goodnight Trees.
- Goodnight all of Forest Gate.
We hope you're happy
and life is great.
Very good.
You sleep well, OK?
Lesson number 317,
Celia
..don't grow up.
Hi.
Hey.
Can I come in?
I've got a A sleeping child in
there.
Where's Danny?
Oh, he's in his room.
We're sleeping in separate rooms,
just for tonight.
Old school.
Do you wanna?
Do you wanna talk out here?
Yeah.
Thank you
..for what you said tonight.
No.
I was glad to say it.
Say it in front of those people.
Put it on the record.
Can I tell you what I think
happened?
And I'm sorry that I haven't said
this before,
but I just didn't understand it
until now.
I did fall in love with Danny
..but you weren't there
..to provide context, you know?
And now you are here.
And you came even though
..I hurt you.
You said those beautiful things
nobody else could have thought
to say.
Thanks.
I really just wanted a Valium.
Do you think there's something wrong
with Danny?
I met him 13 hours ago, I
No, yeah, no. I'm sorry,
this is probably
..not an easy conversation for you
to have.
Oh, no. It's really easy.
I just don't really have anyone else
to talk to.
OK.
OK.
Let's analyse it.
What could be wrong
with Alice's groom, Danny?
What are the three big ones?
Is he a n*zi?
Is he secretly married,
already?
Is hemissing a p*nis?
Please say it's the last one.
He doesn't like to scratch my back.
Pardon me?
You know,
vertical motions from the side,
moving toward the spine.
He doesn't like to do that.
You know, studies have shown that 99
out of 100 people
experience high anxiety
the night before their wedding.
No, studies haven't.
No, studies haven't,
I made that up.
But surely most people do.
And surely you have more reason
than most.
And that just makes you even more of
a hero,
as far as I'm concerned.
But I don't
..think that I'm
the right person for you
to be figuring this out with.
I think I've got too much skin in
the game
..so you might have
to work this out on your own.
But it's OK, cos you have tonight
and you have the morning.
And I will knock on your door at
a quarter to 12 tomorrow,
right on Maya's ruthless schedule.
And whatever you've decided,
you will have my full support.
Are you OK?
Last one.
What if what's wrong
with him is that he's not you?
Right! Minutes away.
Where's Celia?
Oh, she's in the barn,
rehearsing her petal throw.
She's the belle of the ball.
OK.
So, to review. You and Alice will
leave
the main building as
the noon bells sound.
You'll keep a sprightly pace,
so you arrive at the barn as
the bells conclude.
Send not to know for whom
Please don't interrupt.
Sorry. You'll hand Alice off to me.
Celia will scatter her petals,
you'll go down the aisle
and you'll take your place audience
left, which is vicar right.
Right.
Great. Then we have 40 seconds
to rest.
She couldn't have done any
of this without you, Maya. I know.
She offered me ten grand just
to plan it and crack the whip.
Wow. Yeah. And I didn't take a
penny.
Because I'll be friends
with this woman if it kills me.
Me, too.
Yeah.
What's next for you, Jack?
What do you mean?
What I mean is I'm not an idiot,
I've paid attention.
I don't know. Spend the next 40
years
stamping out my naive romantic
idealism.
Don't.
Jack. Yeah. Go.
Right!
Hey, Danny.
Get out the f*cking way!
f*ck.
Alice?
Maya, will you step in?
How are you today?
Look at this.
Natural gas, oil production,
efficiencies are all up
and expansions down.
OK my heart's beating through
my chest. Hmm. Why?
Because we're in an oil bubble.
Yeah.
A massive one, and it's going to
burst.
Get your money together, get
everything you can together, tell
them
to get everything they can together
and I'll pre-pay their
year-end bonuses,
cos we're going to just make
a sh*t-ton.
We're going to make a f*ck-ton.
Whichever's more.
I think it's f*ck-ton.
Jack?
Are you wearing a helmet?
While you're walking? No.
What do you want?
You disappeared, Alice.
I haven't heard from you for three
years.
I was very worried about you.
I'm sorry. Mm-hm? For a while I
thought maybe you were dead.
I even called Maya and asked her,
"Is she dead?" Did she tell
you that?
I was reconstituting.
Hmm.
Can youcome to my office?
No. Why not?
Cos I'm going to my office.
It's important.
Well, look, I'm going to my office.
If you want to talk in front
of my office,
then be standing in front
of my office,
when I get to my office.
If not, you can enjoy your office.
You sound different.
I've been reconstituting too.
The price of oil is going to crash
and when it does,
those of us who saw that coming are
going to make a bloody fortune.
Would you like to make a bloody
fortune?
I cannot believe this is the
conversation you're choosing to
have.
Oil futures are settled in dollars,
Jack, and the dollar's going up
I did everything you asked of me
at that wedding, and more.
And you repaid me with silence
This is a once in
a lifetime opportunity.
That is a signature Alice move,
isn't it?
I don't know what you were thinking,
calling me about this,
but I am out of fresh starts.
I disappeared after the wedding
because I'm just
a f*cking open hazard to you.
Then this came up.
And this is bigger.
I'm going to say this as nicely as
I can.
Go away, please.
Do you have any investable capital?
Like cash or equities?
It's none of your business.
Because if you do, I'll times it by
nine or ten.
I don't care.
Do you understand what this is,
Jack?
Guilt?
An apology.
So when I left the office,
Brent Crude was $108.
And when it falls below 100,
which it will, we'll be ahead.
How far do you expect the price
to fall?
50?%
Five-zer? Five-zero?
See, that's a healthy tremor in
your voice.
How many contracts would I own?
I mean, depends on how much you
want to invest.
And what about your profit?
Oh, I've got thousands
of contracts already.
Well, what if it fails?
Well, the price of oil's going to
drop, and it will drop a lot.
Yeah, but if it doesn't?
We'll lose everything.
OK. You'll hear from me
or you won't.
I sense you don't approve.
Only because you have no idea what
you're doing
and your investment adviser is
a complete psychotic.
Other than that, huge fan.
Alice is top of her field.
If that field is being a complete
psychotic.
It's a different part of the brain.
Yes. No doubt this part is pristine.
It is. Googled her past performance.
She's an assassin.
That's for sure.
But as I tell Donna every night
before we have sex,
past performance is no guarantee
of future results.
You still have sex every night?
Your life is good. Productive, calm,
happy.
All this began as soon as Alice left
the picture.
Coincidence?
If this works out, I can give Celia
the future she would've had if we'd
never been divorced.
This is why God created second
husbands. Let Mark do it.
I don't want Mark to do it,
Mark's done enough.
Celia's fond enough
of him as it is.
My mother always told me never give
trouble a seat at the table.
You're pulling out trouble's chair
for it, Jack.
Is this who you are?
A man who loses faith in
the totality of a person
because they let you down in
one department?
Yes, that's exactly who I am.
I strike their name from the Book of
Life and I burn the pages.
What will it take for you
to actually learn your lesson where
she's concerned?
I have.
Jesus.
That's good, don't worry about it.
I think in the search
for our daughter's hidden talents,
we can safely cross football off
the list.
How does he have time for this?
Doesn't he work for a living?
It's commercial real estate,
Jack.
You know, you buy things, you watch
them grow,
collect rent in the meantime
..you see your kids.
Or someone else's. Oh.
Real estate? Mm-hm.
The very idea that
a human being with
a lifespan of 80 years can own
a piece of the earth Oh.
..which has been here for four
billion Are you drunk?
Coupled with the shameless fleecing
of the underclasses.
He owns upmarket shopping
centres, Jack.
Whatever it is.
You know,
just don't embarrass yourself.
On his worst day, he's twice the
person you'll ever be.
Is that what you tell Celia?
Oh, I do not have to tell her.
But you do anyway?
Jesus.
Is that your suicidal oil
investment?
Give it time,
it will rise from the dead.
Rise from the dead?!
Jack, at this moment in time,
you have a negative personal
net worth.
You are literally less than zero.
OK that's enough of that, I think.
Well done, that was so good.
Hey!
Good stuff.
You were so good. So good.
Do you want me to get you
some water?
See? You'll be a pro before
you know it. Thanks, Mark.
OH, MY GOD!
Yes!
It's turned. Yes, it has.
We're ahead after expenses?
Mm-hm.
Or not if you count medical
expenses. I've been ripping out my
hair by the fistful.
My God, simmer down.
I don't imagine you'd consider
taking an early profit?
Well, you don't imagine correctly.
Yeah, it's just that, you know,
there are 24 of us stakeholders,
all of us young pups with our whole
lives ahead of us
and we've been breathing through
straws all summer, so
Maya, you've got your heel on life's
throat.
Enjoy it. Yeah.
Yeah, it's a party.
Wait, it's almost December
and it's gone down to $79.
That's like five times
your investment.
Oil's still falling.
It'll be worth more.
Oh, my God.
You are as greedy financially as you
were emotionally.
That's not a very nice thing
to say.
This is why I'm a
fiscal conservative.
This is why you're a muppet.
Come on.
Strong work.
It was a joke.
Jesus, Jack.
My God!
SELL! SELL!
SELL! Sell everything!
Sell everything! MAN:
Sell everything. Sell everything!
YESSSSSSS! PAUL: Mwah!
Well done, Alice. You must be
You must be on top of the world.
Yeah. Oh, man.
Well, let me be the first person
just to say thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
That's all right.
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