01x00 - Episode 0

[bunniefuu]

A seagull flew in and landed,
gold shimmer on her wings.

Bird in me roaming freely.

This is love.

Then seagull flies away,

gone for every day.

This is love.

So, is she in love with a seagull?

But it's a metaphor, obviously.

Right.

Have you been in love before?

I don't know.

Just be honest.

Give us something real, bit of grit.

What...what part...?
Right, I've got a bowl of soup
in there forming a skin.

See you in a bit.

What did she say, then?

Come on, tell me.

She loved it.

Did she actually?
Yeah.

Well, a little bending of the truth
never hurt anyone, did it?

What?

Don't pull me like that, you d*ck.
Well, get up, then!

Wasn't ready.

Right. This is what you've got to
do. Don't hit her.

OK, so you've got your bare
feet on the grass

and then you've got to just let the
negative charges run down into the
earth.

Trav? Yeah.

I'm not signing your petition.
Why?

Because it's made up sh*t!
It's not! Scientists have done
studies.

We're making ourselves sick with
these rubber soles, separating us
from the earth!

I signed it, but you owe me because
Mrs Blocker caught me with my phone
out.

"Is that phone more interesting than
me?" You know the face she does.

"Is that phone more interesting than
me?" This is so good.

"Cos if it is,
by all means, get out." One!

Have you seen it when she wears the
drawstring bag? Oh, my God, yes.

It looks like, like, a fly
on an elephant's back.

You're such a d*ck. Ew! It went out
your nostrils and all.

You're a d*ck.

Oh, my God.

What's Poppy doing
with Lorraine Chapman?

I'll tell you this for nothing,
Poppy is a c**t!

Shut up.

Right, Lorraine was in the
newspaper, and now Poppy wants to be
her friend.

Yeah. So, she's transparent.

Lorraine Chapman had sex
with a frozen sausage.

I thought she was taking chemistry
A-level two years early.

So? She could still f*ck a sausage.
You haven't heard the best bit.

Apparently, it snapped inside her.
Oh! I know. Spare me.

How f*cking long was the sausage?

Right, f*ck this,
this is boring now.

Right, b*tches, take it.
Oh, not again.

What's in this? Lyds, why do you
have to take it that one step
further?

Alprazolam is a form of
benzodiazepine. What do you want, a
f*cking ingredients list?

Come on. OK.

See you on the other side.

Right then, boys. Yeah!

MUSIC: Hallelujah

# 13 days since you left me
wondering what it all meant

# Was I just something for
the moment?

# 21 questions weighing on my brain

# I wanna dance
till I'm drunk on the feeling

# Dance like it's my... #

Oh, no. My God.

# ..my first time

# I wanna dance till I
speed up the healing

# Get up, shake it till I find...

# Somebody like you. #

I just like it
when it's just the three of us.

Yeah.

In the summer, my parents have got a
house in Italy, we should go.

Imagine.
That would be amazing.

Yeah, I could get a tan.

Oh, oh, there we go. There it goes.

I'm going to go. Will you get her
home? OK, yeah. Please! Ta-ra.

Bye, love you. Bye, Lydia.

Lydia!

Drugs are for mugs.

Some crusty old d*ck said that.

But I'm inclined to agree.

STAIR CREAKS

f*ck's sake.

CAR HORN BLARING

LOUD MUSIC OUTSIDE

Dad?

Dad! What are you doing?

It's Mum! She is out in the road.

Leave the mad b*tch out there.

Mum, come in the house.
Come on.

Look at the neighbours.

Mum, you're freezing.
Just come in and have a cup of tea.
Come on, come on.

Mum. Mum!

Come on. You've got to go and see
your uncle Dai. He knows all about
it.

Please, will you just put this on?

Your father's brother Dai, he knows.
He knows.

# How does it feel
to treat me like you do?

# When you lay
your hands upon me.... #

Hey! Shut up, will you!

Sorry, love.

Come down and join
us, why don't you?

You're waking people up.
You want to deliver my pies or what?

I can deliver your pies.

Not a bother. Twats!

Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum.

Please, Mum!

Please, Mum.
Please, will you just come with me?

Why do you look so scared?

I'm the strongest woman in
the world.

MUSIC: Blue Monday by New Order

# To say what I need to say

# But I'm quite sure that
you'll tell me

# Just how I should feel today... #

OK.

I've got you really
tight, all right?

Come on.

You're going to be fine, yeah?

Come on, come on. Right.

We're just going to sit
in this room, all right?

OK, come on.
Come on over here.

You can rest your legs, look.

There you go. Pull your nightie
down. There you go.

Excuse me, sorry to bother you, erm,
is there a doctor on duty?

My mum's not very well.
I'll get the senior nurse.

Jack!

Hiya, love.

I'm Nurse Digby. Who's this?

Mum, is it?

Yeah, it's my mum.

She's been here before.
She's got bipolar.

OK.
You on your own?

What's your name?

Come and dance with me, baby.

Mum, hang on a minute.
What's your name, love?

Trina Gwyndaf,
queen of the f*cking world.

OK. Crisis team, please.

Why don't you take a seat here?

OK.

Absolutely hanging.
I feel like my brain...

Oh, fish breath, turn
round, stop scribbling.

I've got something to tell you.
What?

I'm in so much sh*t.

My mother phoned the school.
f*ck.

Did she report us?

Oh, yeah, save your own skin.

Not like that. You know what I mean.

No, just me.

How does she even know?

She's been counting them,
apparently. It's like, get a life,
b*tch.

You're telling me,
I got up this morning to this.

Really some sh*t.
Here, let me see, let me see.

I want to see you when
I get back from work, Mum.

God. What's she going to do?
Jesus, I knew something like this
would happen.

Babe, don't worry,
it'll be fine, OK?

Right, a bit of hush, please?

First things first, gentle reminder,

you need to have your poems
in by 12 tomorrow.

I don't want to be in
the anthology, Miss.

Well, that's good, Priest,
because I highly doubt you will be.

Oh, my God...are you pregnant?

In your chair, Priest.

All right, don't shout.

It's compulsory that you all turn
one in, so, no excuses.

If you tell me your dog ate it,
you best bring the dog's stool
sample to prove it.

Yeah, but Miss, if one of us wins,
do we actually get paid?

Or is this just sl*ve labour?

The poem gets printed
in the anthology... Ooh!

..that's your payment. OK.
Fame, and the respect of your peers.

Yeah, I'd rather the money, thanks.

Enough lip, Gwyndaf.

Jane Eyre, page 45.

BELL RINGS

Loser.
f*ck off.

Yeah?

Why you dangling like the drip
who never dropped?

Can I show you this?

I wrote something
else after we spoke.

Thought you said
it was sl*ve labour?

Well, I'm a waiter now.

No jobs, no prospects.

In this green land of ours,

Mind your manners or your mam will
mind your knackers.

Black soot smeared face,
back broken with labour.

But still, he can't afford a pint,
leccy off... No light.

Did you read it all? No.

Oh. Is it OK?

It's not about OK, Bethan.

What? I know I said grit,
but I meant your grit.

Speak from your heart.

It's all I want.

That's art.

OK.
DOOR CLOSES

Hurry up, what are you doing?
Writing your diary? Uh, no.

I haven't done the biology homework.

I'm not waiting for you.

Fine, I'll be in now.

You run, I run, we all run.

Blind, deaf, dumb, the big d*ck...

The big d*ck of society
blowing its...

PHONE RINGS

Hiya, Nan.
Where's my girl?

I'm here.

Good. Well, I'm down the caravan.

I lost three games of bingo,
and now I just had a tikka pasty

that tasted like arseholes,
so that's £1.50 down the hoop.

And then...
Nan. ..I turns my blower on

and sees you've been ringing my
dinger off the hook.

You know me, Beth,
I never looks at it... Nan!

What? Hang on...

What's the matter?
She's back in.

Ohh...f*cking toot my chute.

Well, what have they said?
I don't know, yet.

I'm going down the hospital
after school.

Bethan, I can't get back today.
I've got no wheels.

Peg leg Roger brought
me down on the moped.

Well, it's fine,
it's not your fault, don't worry.

All right, love you loads.

Love you too.
All right, stay strong.

See you tomorrow.
Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Diabetes is approaching,
creeping up on you today.

We're doing ropes, Marine style!

Oh, Bethan Gwyndaf.

Answer me this, yeah?

If you can't be bothered
to get in here on time,

why should I, hmm?

No, really.
Give me one good reason.

Cos you're the one getting paid.

All right, enough.

You lot of trophy for turning up,

waste of oxygen, rats in my sewer
crawling around...

Do you know, if any of you lot
had as much get up and go

as I've got in my little toe,

this country might have lower rates
of heart disease, and yet here I
still am,

helping you all out,
you bunch of losers.

Stop it! Oh, I'm sorry.

Something funny, Travis Beams?

Cos heart disease
is no joke, my boy.

No, erm, Miss, it's just...

Thought I saw a fly...
SHE SNORTS

And what's funny about a fly, hmm?

HE EXHALES
Exactly.

Check your smiles
at the door, please.

Go.

Come on, knees up.

We're all slowly catching diabetes.

One, two, one, two.

Come on, you've got a grip
like wet spaghetti, girl.

It's ripping my skin off.

Snowflakes, the lot of you!
Come on!

Right, right, down you get.
Hang on, I can't...

I'm going to fall...
Now, who's next?

Oh, my God, babe?
What?

Gutted! Look, Auntie Flo's in town.

Beth, your minge is leaking.

All right. Priest, stop it!
You can go and get changed.

Miss, you've got to sort that. I'm
not touching that rope. All right.

I ain't touching nothing.
Oh, my God. Disgusting.

Are you OK? Disgusting.
Urgh, I can smell it as well.

Shut up, Priest. Beth, man.
That's embarrassing!

Oh, my God. She's got afternoon
at school as well.

Beth, no-one's going
to remember tomorrow.

Priest has been calling me
Jam Rag Knickers all day.

What were you thinking?
It's PE 101 - always a fresh tampon.

Yeah, thanks for making
sure everyone noticed, by the way.

Babes, do you reckon
Blocher has a vibrator?

Yeah, sure.
I bet she's worn it down to a nub.

Don't to go home, my mother's going
to bore my t*ts off with a
drugs lecture.

What t*ts? What would
you know about t*ts?

Can I come to yours?

Can't, Dad's tonight.
Cool, thanks for nothing.

Beth, hook me up, just for an hour?

I wish, I've been summoned
to my mother's study when I get in.

f*ck it!

Let's just run away.

You say that every day, babe.

We could just hitchhike,
wherever, seriously, I don't care.

Yeah, we'll go to the place
in Italy that Beth said.

Yeah, gladly! But for now my mother
wants rosemary, dickhead.

Message you in a bit?
I'll probably be dead. Love you!

Let's do it. I want a doughnut.
Yes, I want a doughnut.

Make it two. Are you actually going
to get a doughnut? Yes.

I need one... And don't want
to feel guilty about it.

What is she doing?
What are you doing?

Buying veg. What are you doing,
prostituting yourself?

Whatever.

No school kids. What makes you think
I'm a school kid?

Oh, regular Ken Dodd, is it?

And you want two.

Out! Sorry, please can I just get
some rosemary for my mam?

I'll leave my bag.

Make it quick.

Thanks.

Bag!

Sorry, just a few other bits.

Lychees. Yeah, I know.

Oh, you know, do you?
Why's your gob catching flies, then?

That's just my face.

My mother sent me a list,
she wants rosemary and lychees.

You're a liar, like every other teen
turd who comes in here trying
to rob off me.

What are you calling
me a teen turd for?

Want to taste this, turd breath?

Quit fingering my goods, or I'll be
fingering you to the police?

Oh, yeah?

Why don't you go
and finger yourself?

You rotten...
Before I knock you out!

Suck on them, you stupid old bat.

She's right, though.

I've been telling lies
since I was eight years old.

Gemma Jones came round my house
and saw my dad had a wardrobe full
of porno mags.

She laughed at me and then told
everyone at primary school.

I said she was lying and it
was her dad who had the pornos

and everyone believed me.

I did feel bad, though,
because her dad is quite nice,

whereas my dad is the maddest
b*stard you will ever meet.

Oi!

Yeah?

Where's your mother?

Hospital.

I want to k*ll him.

HE RETCHES

Every morning, he coughs
his snot in the sink,

and I want to stab him in the back,
just take a knife and hack at him.

You shouldn't have done that.

She wasn't very well.

Get some chips.

BELL RINGS

Hiya, hiya, sorry.
I'm here to see Trina Gwyndaf.

Would you like to put your stuff
in the locker? Yeah, yeah.

All right, Mam? All right, love.

Thanks for coming in.

Of course. Come here.

You need to wash that, you've got
egg on it, or something.

Yeah, I will.

Nana's going to come in tomorrow.
She's been down the caravan. Hah.

That's nice. Yeah.
Nice weather for it.

You been all right today?
No, not really, Beth.

Sectioned now. That's it.

Yeah.

Locked ward.

Yeah.

What have you done to me?

I'm sorry, Mam.

I got you some pop, I did.

Stupid b*tch!

See what you've done?

You've delivered me
in the eye of the storm here.

There's cameras everywhere!

Watching me.

Everything gets reported back.

They're not even nurses.
Yes, they are.

Some of them are, not all of them.

Been sucked in!
APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS

Trina. What's the matter?

OK, come out, Bethan.

Don't touch my daughter! Beth!
Behind me, now!

No-one's going to hurt her.

Put the chair down, Trina.

We're not going to hurt her...
Touch my daughter and I'll k*ll you!

Will you come out? Step outside!
Step outside!

SHE SCREAMS
Sit! Help me, someone! OK. No!

Trina, you're in a safe place...
SHE SCREAMS

We can help you, Trina.
SHE SCREAMS

Don't... Don't hurt me.
Don't hurt me... We won't.

Beth!

TV: Strengthening as we go through
the night, gale force gusts...

There will be further heavy rain,
it will move out of Scotland

and push into the north of England
and Wales overnight tonight.

A little bit quieter
in the south-east,

and not quite as cold,
but we start off tomorrow morning
with some of that rain around.

It could be a pretty dismal
early morning rush-hour.

Now it'll still be windy
in Scotland, but if you look at the
finer detail...

Do you want a drop of pop, Mam?

I told you I had a baby
girl who died?

She was prettier than you.

Breezy for all of us and eventually
we'll start to see more cloud
in the south-east.

Perhaps the rain arriving here
a little bit later on.

Charlotte Church is
the voice of an angel.

By 2007, she sold over
10 million records, worldwide.

Right.

That's amazing.

"THE ONE SHOW" THEME

Sorry, just got to send
a message on here.

Well, hello and welcome to a
brand-new week here on The One Show
with Alex Jones...

And Matt Baker.

Now, if you were putting together
your list of dream dinner

party guests, well,
there are certain qualities

you'd want all of them
to share, aren't there?

Yes, well, I would say
they'd have to be funny.

Probably intelligent.
Well-informed...

Charlotte Church's 2005 album,
Tissues and Issues,

sold more than 300,000 copies.

Please welcome Joanna
Lumley and Ian Hislop!

Where did he get the tux?

You happy with yourself?

Gas is off!

Guess what I did last night?
I don't know, waxed your fanny?

Shut up. We saw Chicago last night.
The musical?

Yeah, it's on in town.
I want to come. Me too!

What? My mother brought me a
brochure, I'll bring it in for you
to have a look.

Apparently, right, in dance school,
what they do is they sit

on your thighs
so it tears all the muscle...

All right, dykey? Give them here.

All right? All right, Priest?

Trying to ignore me, are you? No.

Last time I saw you,
I was licking you right up!

SHE LAUGHS
Shut up!

f*cking hell, when did
your t*ts get so big?

It's called puberty.
When did your mouth get so big?

Oh, you're f*cking cheeky,
aren't you? Ooh! Ooh!

Hi, Beth. What? Oh, hiya!

Did you see Ms Morgan's e-mail?

Oh, no, not yet, I've been eating.
I had a pasty.

Oh, my God, shut up. Have a look.

You've been selected
for the anthology.

What? I have?

Yeah, I just read it.
It's brilliant.

Seriously, you should
be really proud.

My God, that's amazing!
Well done, Beth!

Consmatulations, you fat bab.

HE LAUGHS

Bye, Priest. You're an ape.
You're ugly!

Maybe come and sit with me
in English?

Talk about "rate yourself", and Loz
Chapman, she f*cked a sausage.

THEY SNORT
Here we go, Beth...

"Please join me in congratulating
Bethan Gwyndaf who's been
selected for..."

Blah, blah, blah, boring. All right.

"You are a bond,
the glue that binds

"The knot that ties
two warring sides

"Oil and water, these bricks
and mortar, the wrong daughter."

What the f*ck? What?

Morgan laps that sh*t up.

I've got her eating out of this.

She f*cking loves it!

THEY LAUGH