01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

MUSIC: The Wizard Of Oz [Overture]

This programme contains strong
language

FILM CUTS OUT

What?!

GROANS

Ah...

Hey! Ah, excuse me -
that's my favourite film.

Why?

You've not changed my mind.

That is the single most
depressing film ever made.

No!

I thought you didn't like sad
endings, Noa.

It's a happy ending, OK?
It's the happiest of endings.

Oh, love a happy ending!

Like, Dorothy's done.
You do realise that, don't you?

She's ruined.

She had a taste of something, guys.

And then BOOM.

OK, she's had a change in
perspective, OK?

They realise they never lacked
anything. No, no, no, no, no...

No, no. If she'd had a change
of perspective, Noa,

the colour would've come
back with her.

The colour's been inside of her.
It's always been inside of her.

Where is it again, Noa?

Was it inside of her, Noa?

No, guys, it's not funny.

THEY LAUGH

Judy, guys.

No, it's not Judy, OK? It's Dorothy.

OK? She's happy.
There's no place like home!

She doesn't even know what home is.

She does. It's Kansas.
It's Auntie Em.

It's the guys at the farm
because they're the Scarecrow

and the Tin Man and the Lion.
Yes, obviously they are, you divvy,

but they're also not.

You know, like, she's going
to miss the fantasy versions

of them forever.

She's going to miss people even when
they're sat right in front of her.

Oh, guys, she had purpose in Oz!

She was a leader!

I mean, what even is life now?

Great tunes, though. Mm-hm.

Yeah, and she was drugged while
she was singing them.

Oh, my God.

A drugged child
for our entertainment!

This film is a nightmare.

OK, erm...

Game time.

Yeah, game time.

PHONE ALERT

No phones in Film Club, Katie!

Right, game on. We've got this.
No pressure!

So...

FRANTIC MUSIC

Oh, sh*t.

Babe? Yeah?

How long have you been up?

Only a couple of hours.

Oh, this is...

Wow.

Really. Wow.

God, no, it's not finished yet.

Is it not?

PHONE RINGS

Oh...

I've got to take this.

Hey, Noa. How's Bristol? OK.

So...what do you think of
Malc's new wheels?

Smart.

What is it this week?

Wizard Of Oz.

Big yellow road right up the garden.

I said it should be garage only, but
Mum said to respect her an artist.

Doesn't your mum ever take a break?

Breaks aren't really her thing.

You know, like a bit of release.

Release isn't her thing either.

I reckon she could do with
a night off, though.

Well, obviously the suit, Noa.

For a meet and greet?
They said smart casual.

Yeah. Smart casual for lawyers,
which is a suit.

Andrew Beckett and Joe Miller -
suits.

Atticus Finch - suit.

Er, Erin Brockovich.

Yeah. She's the exception,
not the rule.

I don't know if you're
right about this one, Eves.

Of course I'm right, Noa.

It's implicit.

What else you going to wear -
jeans and trainers?

You're not some tech guy
who designed an app and lives

in the Californian desert in
a house that's powered by the sun.

What?

You're a barrister in Bristol.

I'm the Barrister of Bristol.

The Barrister of Bristol
and his brilliant blunder.

I cannot substantiate those claims.

I can neither confirm nor
deny the reports.

Any comment on the outcome?
How did you win the case?

AS ELLE WOODS: What, like it's hard?

I'm going to go suit no tie.

No, don't be so aloof!

How is that aloof?

Well, how are they going to know
you care if you don't show 'em?

You've got to meet,
you've got to greet.

I can care without a tie on.

Aloof.

I care too much, Eves.
That's my problem.

Eves?

Yeah?

Is it weird that I feel...homesick?

Wow.

Evie?

You just chose the wrong hotel, Noa.

You'll be back in your own
bed tonight.

Ooh, it's going to be so fun.

Dom, your phantom flatmate,
is coming.

Listen, don't start without me, OK?

Joshy!

Oh. Yeah, coming!

I've got it on!

No, you'll have plenty of time.

Have you ever done a Cacao ritual?
Ca... What? Say that again.

Cacao chocolate.

Oh, like just chocolate? sh*t...

Tea's getting cold, babe.

Oh. Yum.

Thanks, Mum.

Well, that's doing her no favours.

Nah, she needs a chunky belt.

Do you think? Mm.

What do you think, babe?

Yeah, chunky belt, chunky belt.

You are so right.
She needs a chunky belt.

That's what my outfit for
tonight's missing.

Tonight, Suzo?

Mumma is hitting the tiles tonight.

Oh... You know Steph with the lovely
smile and the dog that...

You see her in the corner
shop sometimes. Oh, yeah, mm-hm.

Well, she just text me.
Do I fancy a girl's night out?

But she must get lonely.

She's got no kids. Mm.

Nothing that a chin wag
and a 'seccy won't sort.

Go on, Suzo, paint it red.

VOICE MESSAGE: Evie, it's Flo.

I know you're, er,
housebound or whatever,

but there's another parcel here
for you,

so can you come collect it, please?

It's, er... Right.
..taking up a lot of space.

Thanks.

WIND HOWLS

I like a short sleeve... I just need
to chunk me outfit up.

Always chunk it up, Suz.

SHE LAUGHS

Iz, can you do me a favour?

Jesus, Eves! Can you knock?

I got something delivered
to my flat by mistake again.

What is it?

A self-assembly rainbow.

f*ck's sake! For the Wizard Of Oz.

Does that mean you'll be ranting
all night about the mistreatment

of Julie Garland again?

Judy!

And it's tragic, Isobel.

Yeah, I know it's tragic, Eves.
I just can't hear it again.

I mean, she was on the floor,
run ragged.

And no-one noticed.

So why did you choose the film?

I need the rainbow.

Mum's belt shopping.

She's out tonight, thank God.

I can't have a repeat of
speech-gate.

Surely Noa's used to it by now.

It's not just Noa coming.

The whole g*ng's back together.

I thought you'd want it to just
be the two of you.

Why?

It's heavy.

Him leaving?

No, the rainbow.

WHISK SCRAPES BOWL

Right, which one should I...?

Yeah, chunky belt. Chunky belt.

f*cking hell.

I've already made your snacks, babe,
they're in the fridge.

Just got to do this one thing
for Noa.

OK, well, I guess I can let
the kitchen rule slide.

I want you to feel at home, babe.

Not like you'll be here forever,
but while you are...

This is home, Mumma.

You must miss your little flat.

No, not really.

Really?

AS DOROTHY: If I ever go looking for
my heart's desire again,

I won't look any further than my own
back yard.

The way they treated her, Mum.
I mean, she wasn't...

Let's not do that.

I admire your passion, babe, but...

WHISK SCRAPES

Uh, bu-bu-bu...

Gently.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Glad to have you joining us, Noa.

Heard great things.

Yeah?

Yeah - me, too.

Ah... Me, too.

As in, uh, thanks.

I really... OK.

That's a squash man's arm
if I've ever seen one.

Eh?

Well, you play, don't you, mate?

Yeah. Nice. Yeah, I...

..dabble. Yeah, I knew it.

Shall we say, uh, Friday morns?

Shake off thirsty Thursday?

Su... Yeah, sure.

Perfect. Good man.
I'm holding you to that, Noa.

Nice suit, by the way. Thanks.

Noa Ameen?

I know, yeah, I know. Do you?

Do you? Do you No-a A-meen?

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Yep.

Yeah...

Uh, what's your name?

That's a squash man's arm if ever
I've seen one.

Yeah, it is, yeah.

No, I play county.

I mean, why the f*ck is this
necessary?

Ours is not to reason why, Iz.

These next few weeks
are going to be intense.

She'll want to go out with a bang.
Out with a bang?

Her weird mate's leaving.

Yeah, but anyone can watch films,
can't they?

Nah, they started it together -
they'll end it together.

Yeah, your mum's right,
that does sound a bit culty.

Oh, right, thinking, battle plan...

..k*ll her with kindness.

You know, it's really starting to
feel like home now, so...

Right.

Thank you so much for
your patience, Flo.

You're an absolute leg end, mate.

The landlord said it would
technically just be easier

to evict her. She's coming back.

OK... When?
I don't know. But she will.

He let her sublet as a favour,
because she...

You know... What?

Had a...you know...

A what?

SHE IMITATES expl*si*n

Wow.

Well, you should be thankful that
you found the one landlord

that cares about human life,
shouldn't you?

Oh... No, he believes in ghosts.

He just doesn't want her haunting
him if she...

..you know...

You're a bit of a d*ck,
aren't you, Flo?

Yeah.

LAPTOP: Experiences of
being in a cult vary...

I'm not bloody watching it, Isobel.

What?

Oh, come here, baby girl.

You look gorgeous.

Yeah, but I don't have to go out
if I don't want to, do I?

You don't have to do anything you
don't want to do, Mumma.

I've got a bit of a dicky tummy.

Sure you're not just a bit nervy?

Oh, I might be a bit nervy.

Yeah, a bit butterflies?
Bit butterflies, yeah.

Yeah, I... I'd be less nervous if
I was going on a bleeding date.

Well, you are, in a way.

A friend date.

A friend date...

Yeah, only that's worse,
cos you can't bloody snog them

when it gets awkward.

Don't bloody end up snogging
her, Mum.

Well, you lot can be whosits
and whatsits and notsits.

Oh, sod it.

Oh...

Oh, hello, Christy Turlington.

Piss off!

Christy Turlington!

You do!

Hi, Tia. Hi.

Nice and quiet out here, isn't it?

Well, it was.

Sorry. Uh...

Yeah, I can leave you alone, if...?
No, it's OK.

I just can't do all the big groups
and the small talk.

Do you want one?

No, I'm good, thanks.

Actually, yeah, go on.

A lawyer with zero conviction.

That's...interesting.

Yeah, I know, it's...

It's a problem.

I was dreading it, to begin with.

But now that I'm here, I think...
it's all going to be OK.

Really?

My boss told me about some case in
Bolton, your forensic analysis?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I feel like...
Elle Woods.

Who?

She's... It's...

Look, I really should be getting
the next train.

Already?

Yeah. Why? Is that aloof?

Yeah, it is a little bit aloof.

But I rate it.

Yeah, well, it's... It's sort of,
uh, an obligation, so...

Formal.

Yeah...

Well, it was nice to...

PHONE PINGS

sh*t.

Right, you two, behave yourselves.

Oh...!

Wow. Drop dead, Suz.

Now, did you go for the chunky belt?

Does a badger sh*t in the woods?

Are you sure it's a FANCY thing,
Mum?

But this isn't fancy, babe.

I think she likes gardening,
you could talk to her about that.

I know how to make a conversation,
Isobel.

Yeah, the face of
Christy Turlington,

the chat of Terry Wogan, this one.

LAUGHING: Terry Wogan...

Don't forget your snacks.

Ah...

Ee...

Ooh...

SUZ HUMS TUNELESSLY

Oh, uh...

It's, uh... It's all quite
hearty, isn't it? Rustic.

I mean, we can... We can go
somewhere else, if you like.

No. God, no. No, I love it.

I'll have your driest...
driest Prosecco.

A sweet Prosecco knocks me sick.
Does it you, Steph?

Well, I'll just have whatever
you're having, Suz. Oh.

We'll have a bottle and two thin
glasses.

Do you have thin glasses?

I think so.

I mean, I know it's not that
fancy here, but, uh...

..bit of a laugh?

SUZ LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY

Oh, God. I'm a karaoke fiend.

He needs to sort that out.

It's quite hot.

Not really my type,
but each to their own.

No, no. God, I meant...

No, I know what you meant.

THEY LAUGH

I mean, to be fair, I haven't seen
anyone's bum but my own

for quite a while, so maybe I am
getting a bit flustered.

Well, I'm sure every fella round
town would show you their bum, Suz.

Steph!

Oh, no, no, no.

I can't talk right now.

You know I can't. I'll call
you back later, all right?

Thank you. Love you. Bye.

Oh...

Evie, this is so cute!

Kam, you look amazing.

I can't believe I'm here before Noa.

Also, Samantha's going to know
there's hardly any alcohol in this.

Yeah, well, we can't have her going
all Elizabeth Taylor again.

Why not? She devours.

Of course she devours, Kam,
but it's not healthy.

DOOR OPENS

Oh, darling, you've gone.

Sammy!

Oh, look at you.

Is it scurvy?

This f*cking house...

The gooch of Greater Manchester.

Can't believe Noa takes this trek
every Friday.

Hi!

How did you get here?

Train, tram, bus.
It was f*cking endless.

Oh, in the future,
Kam can give you a lift.

Oh, can he?

The future, darling?

There isn't one. Noa's f*cking off.

Packing his knapsack
and heading west.

Is it west? I think the main thing
is that it's far.

Well, if film club's over, why have
we got a new member coming?

Ahem.

Well, this is terrific.

Phantom flatmate.

Dominic, you look amazing.

Thank you so much for making
the effort.

And thank you for your, uh, quite
comprehensive email on the rules.

You've printed it?

Well, the rules make it fun.
So, you'll be familiar...

..no phones in film club.

I'm so sorry. I...I am a doctor,
I do kind of NEED my phone.

OK. Kam?

Eves, I don't think I can, either.

Nephews.

The nephews, the nephews, yeah.
Sammy?

No can do, darling. Why?

Because I don't want to.

Come on, guys.

We're glued to them.
It's an epidemic.

I'm offering you the chance to
escape here. Why don't you take it?

No.

Oh, fine.

Game time! Ooh!

And where the f*ck is the boy?

Yeah, he's never usually late.

Yeah, I'll...

The snow used in the film was
actually asbestos - true or false?

NOA: Evie, it's me.

Erm, the trains are cancelled,
there's some incident on the line...

f*ck.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

OK.

That's the last time anything was
this late, it was my period,

and I had to have an ab*rtion.

He'll be here.

Dominic...

..have we necked?

I don't... I don't believe so.

I'm pretty sure we've necked.

Samantha, you've literally
never met.

So why do I feel like we've necked?

Maybe you've necked in a past life.

Can everyone stop saying neck?

Remember when we all used to neck?
Those were the days.

Evie, did...did you and Noa ever,
erm...?

Neck?

God, no.

Incest!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oop. Here he is! Finally.

You all right, everyone?

Do you... Do you mind if I join in?

Seems like you're a man down.

I don't remember a horse in this.

PASSENGERS LAUGH

All right, cyberman!

OK, yeah, erm...

Sorry, has anyone
got a phone charger?

MOCKING: Plug it into your chest.

OK.

Uh... "Let's keep going."

Thelma & Louise.

Phone charger?
No-one's got a phone charger?

Uh...

"Baby fish mouth, baby fish mouth."

When Harry Met Sally.

Get in.

Phone charger? No? OK.

"Get your l*sbian feet
out of my shoes."

Bend It Like Beckham.

Yes!

What the f*ck, Dominic?
I mean, I surprised myself there.

Wow. Great work. 15!

Any news on Noa?

OK...baby.

We are very far behind now,
but come on!

Yeah, we got it this time, pooch.
Yep. I've got it.

Okey dokey.

Go!

"This is important to me!"

Broadcast News!

Oh... Wrong team, Samantha.

Oh, whatever.

Great.

"Run...mm-mm... Run!"

Yeah? Yeah, go on, keep going.

"Run...mm-mm... Run!"

"Run!" Erm...

Erm... Run...

Run? Run Rabbit Run?

No? Uh, Chicken Run?

Chicken Run. Tom Hanks!

Tom Hanks? Oh, Top g*n. Top g*n.

Tom HANKS!

Tom... Oh, f*ck, yeah,
Tom Hanks, Tom Hanks...

Oh, f*cking hell, Tom Hanks...
OK. No way in hell.

OK. Oh, right, OK.

Film about a big shark.

Shark Night!

No? Shark... Shark...

Oh, Sharkboy And Lavagirl!

No? Shark Night 3D?

What you...?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what you doing?

What's this? Are you OK?
What's that?

Your... What...? Your face?

Your face...

Face...face...

Face...Off! Face/Off!

Are you doing this on purpose?

Unbelievably famous film
about a shark!

BELL RINGS

Oh! Time's up!

Ah...

Ah, well.

Just a game, innit?

How about a sweet treat?

Does anyone want some heart cake?

Who doesn't love a red velly?

Hmm?

Oh, yeah, look at that.

There we go.

I'm just relieved to say it.

I don't bloody like 'em.

I can't stand the...
the dog breath.

Does that make me some kind of
evil witch?

You do get used to it, Suz.

No, count me out.

You see, I never wanted kids.

Animals only. Oh, you see,
I do find that weird.

Yeah, I'm just too selfish,
but, you know, I accept that.

No! Don't do yourself down, babe.

I'm sure you don't jump for joy
at the idea of picking up

Malcolm's shite,
but you do it cos you love him.

That is true!

I mean you had your kids early,
didn't you?

I mean, I just, you know,

I hated the idea of my life not
being my own.

No! It's the opposite.

Oh, they give you life, Steph.

They ARE life.

You see?

I am the evil witch.

Hey, I bet your Izzie was always
asking for a pet.

My Izzie? Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, she's got a natural
talent there.

Oh, I didn't know you two...

Oh, I see her out with the dogs.
Oh, right, well...

Yeah, well, she had lots of love and
adoration from me to make up for it.

Yeah. Yeah, of course she did.
Plenty, plenty.

SUZ TAPS GLASS

Thick.

Oh, you've got a nice smile,
haven't you, Steph?

Aw! Well, that's kind.

You know, come to think of it,
she did have a hamster at one point,

but her dad...

Well, there was a disaster, so
I didn't like to see her like that.

Hmm.

What, did he forget to lock
the hutch?

I don't want to talk about it,
actually.

Yeah, no, of course.

I heard him and his mates downstairs
at 4:00 in the morning.

And I knew. I thought, they're going
to open that bleeding cage

and do something daft.

But, you know, you couldn't approach
him when he was in a certain...

..frame of mind.

But our Izzie never knew.

No. Evie made up a story,
you know, to protect her,

and wrote to her as the hamster
for years.

Like, "Dear Izzie, I miss you lots,
but the cabbages here are lovely."

Aw! Oh, bless her cottons.

Oh, you three ladies have really
stuck together, haven't you,

through the tough times?

Oh, bless you gorgeous girlies.

So, how are your...plants,
then, Steph?

Oh, erm...

It's actually been a bit quite
a tricky...

Sorry. How do you know about
all of that?

All of what?

The "tough times".

Well, your Izzie, she comes
past mine, doesn't she?

Oh, I didn't know that you...

She walks Malc and, you know,
we have the occasional chat.

That you were...

Yeah, but she said you didn't have
it easy, did you?

Well, no. But I wasn't throwing the
father of my children out the door

singing "celebrate good times,
come on". No, of course not.

Just, when you find out you're
living with an animal...

Anyway...

Enough of that.

THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY

So...

What song are you going to sing us
tonight, then, mate?

It really is sweltering in here.

I mean, you're a bit of a
Barbra Streisand, aren't you?

Oh, you REALLY know a lot about me,
don't you, Steph?

Well, no. It's just that...
Yeah, Isobel, Malcolm.

Yep, yep, yep.

It's a shame this
was the only table.

I feel like I'm in
a bleeding fishbowl.

You all right, Suz? Yeah.

You know, actually,
that's f*ck' awful.

Oh, sh*t! Bloody hell, Suz.
Are you all right?

Oh, bloody hell. Jesus...

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm...

Yeah, just going to... Yeah.

MOVIE PLAYS

DOOR OPENS

Phew. Phew.

How was it, mate?

Sh! Silly boy.

My apologies.

NOA MOUTHS

Asking me all these
personal questions.

I mean, what does she want from me,
blood and guts?

Oh, I'm sorry, Suzo.
f*cking invasive is what she is.

Well, I think our kid just wanted to
give you, like, a simple

nice time, you know?

You what?

Our Isobel set this up?

Uh...

Well... Well, yeah...

I think that she just thought that,
like, you'd get on.

I'm not care in the community.

Well....

No, I don't think...

What the f*ck are you wearing, Josh?

Oh, don't ask.

Don't ask.

PHONE BUZZES

Oh!

Ooh, we're getting you home, babe,
is what we're doing.

Was this always yellow, this path?

Yes, my love, it was
always yellow. Oh.

Let's get you home.

BICYCLE SQUEAKS

DOOR OPENS

Oh! Good night?

Really good.

You?

Yeah, really good.

SUZ INHALES DEEPLY

Oh...

I wish I could have you back as
babies sometimes...

..just for one day.