02x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

♪ Why does my heart not fall in love

♪ When I see angels waiting up above?

♪ Why does my heart not
fall in love with you?

♪ Why, why, why?

♪ Why am I lonesome and feeling blue?

♪ All I ever wanted to say that I'll be true

♪ Why does my heart not
fall in love with you? ♪

Come on.

HE PANTS

Come on, Brett! You've got it. 20 more.

HE STRAINS

Brett, do you mind coming to sit down?

Brett, I think we need to talk.

Do you mind if I just finish this super set?

You'll enjoy this talk a lot
more when my veins are popping.

Oh! Come on, boy. You've got it.

Oh, come on, Brett. Oh!

Can we have a talk? HE CLEARS THROAT

Can we have a talk? HE CLEARS THROAT

HIGH-PITCHED: Ca...?

Was that you? Did you say something?

What? Er...

No, no.

Must have been the cat whimpering.

Honestly, Achilles can sound like
a whiny little toddler sometimes.

Yeah, he really can. Yeah.

I actually haven't seen
him since last night.

Achilles! Where are you, p*ssy?

Listen, Brett, you're a great guy,
but I've been thinking and, erm...

I'm really sorry.

Hold on.

Are you breaking up with me
when I'm basically naked?

I could get you a T-shirt?

Nice work. Nice work. Keep it up.

Remember, this is your enemy.

Get her, Spencer!

Are you all right?

I'm absolutely fine.

I'm actually really happy.

Yeah, OK.

I mean, would it be nice for
Dan to tell me about her new job

before a complete stranger?

Yes. Does it mean that suddenly
I'm going to be on my own

after two weeks with a new baby?

Yes.

Am I at all prepared?

No.

Finish her, Spencer!

So just to recap,
you're definitely not annoyed about it.

No.

But you want that child finished?

That's correct.

OK.

Dad, can we take Sam out this afternoon?

Oh, Spencer,
you know we've got the baby shower, mate.

Can you see her another time? No. Why not?

I've heard that Hugo might ask her out,
so I need to get there first.

OK. I don't think it's first come,
first served.

Yeah, it kind of is with these things.

Why don't you go and ask her now?

Really? I don't think you should...
Yeah, just invite her over.

You guys can hang out in the garden.

Spencer,
you need to strategize with these things, OK?

I think we need to figure out some role play,
some mind map...

I'm going to do it.

Ooh, maybe I'll suggest a picnic.

Ooh, maybe you shouldn't suggest a picnic.

You sound like a nana, OK?

Unless she likes boys who are into
Werther's Originals and crochet,

then it's a total red flag. Trust me.

Garden, no picnic. Got it.

You're welcome.

Great timing. You can help me set up.

I broke up with Brett.

Oh, God.

Are you OK?

Yeah, I guess it's for the best, but...

Sorry, what are you doing? What?

Are you already texting Courtney?

No!

SENT MESSAGE TONE

Well, I needed her to get some bread,
so I thought I might as well

mention it as well. Right. So to be clear,

the text reads, "Get bread,
and Claire split up with Brett."

I forgot the bread part.

In other news,
Courtney found out about the job

and the fact that I only have two weeks'
leave.

She took it surprisingly well.

She's definitely still processing it,
but she said she's happy for me.

What, and you believed her?
Well, if I'm wrong,

then she's a ticking time b*mb
who could blow any minute.

But she tends to be pretty honest.

Remember that Christmas she
opened a present from you

and said, "I'd rather suck a
d*ck than use an air fryer"?

Fair point. Well, I'm pleased for you.

And can I just say?
Thank you for the 30 seconds

we discussed my break-up,
before moving back on to you.

SENT MESSAGE TONE

What does that text say? What?

"Yes, she broke up with him.

"Exclamation..." Exclamation mark. Thanks.

SPENCER STRAINS

So are you free this afternoon?

So it looks like Claire's
split up with Brett.

What? Really?

Yes, really?

Yes! Get in!

Oh, my God.

Sorry. It's good to see women winning,
isn't it?

Just...go...women.

Do you think that's because of me?

God, that is such a male response.

No, I think we had a moment at her mum's.

Like, it definitely felt like a moment.

It had, like, a really moment-y vibe.

I think we had a moment.

I wish I was having a moment
where you aren't talking.

It's actually happening, Courtney.
I'm buzzing.

I feel like I've got a semi,

like an emotional semi that
makes my dreams come true.

Never utter those words to me ever again.
Do you understand?

Yeah.

So,
I guess now you've only got the simple task

of splitting up with Megan.

I'm emotionally flaccid again.

Ugh!

Come on, Jonathan. You can do it this time.

I have it within me to overcome
any challenges I might face.

I am right where I need to be.

I am RIGHT where I NEED to BE!

RIGHT where I need to be.

I am right where...

Oh, hey, Megan. How did you...?

How did you know I was here?

I could see and hear you
outside of the window.

Oh, right, yeah.

Erm, listen,
I need to talk to you about something.

Yeah, well, before you do,

can I just tell you that Achilles is dead?

It's another wind-up, isn't it?
You're not going to get me again.

I'm not joking this time, Jonathan.

My cat died.

Oh, my God. Erm... Yeah. ..how?

He got in a fight with a fox,
and he lost big time.

I've been spending the morning
picking up pieces of him,

all over the garden.

Jesus. Were you trying to
reassemble him or something?

No, I wasn't trying to reassemble my cat,
Jonathan.

Sorry, I don't know why I said that.
Listen, Megan...

Theo found his tail in the guttering,
and then he said,

"Oh, just really want to go
and live with my dad now,"

so I'm kind of a woman on the edge.

Yeah, I bet.

So, erm... And I know he was just a cat.

He was just always there,

and now his blood is all
over the French windows.

Yeah, I mean, that is incredibly bleak.

Sorry. Come in. I could do with a cuddle.

Well, I would love to, but it's just
I've got Courtney's baby shower,

so if I could just sort of...

Yeah. God, yeah, of course.

Actually, can I come along?

Sorry, what?
I know it sounds a bit pathetic,

but I don't really want
to be alone at the moment.

And, yeah,
I suppose it'd be a good distraction

from clearing up animal remains.

Well, er, Claire's going to be there, so...

Well, that actually might be perfect.

Would it? Yeah, because you bottled
telling her about us in Yorkshire,

so maybe if I'm there,
I could sort of boost up your confidence,

have your back? You know?

If there's one thing the death
of Achilles has taught me,

it's that life is so short, Jonathan.

Erm, yeah, that is... Come here.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God.

Mm!

You are definitely OK with me
taking my dream job, aren't you?

Well, you could argue that
continually labelling it a dream job

gives me very little
emotional room for manoeuvre.

But, yes, I'm fine.

Look, I need a favour. Oh, let me guess.

You've done something
idiotic and easily avoidable,

and you want us to lie and bail you out.

Well, I want to say no,
but you've pretty much nailed it, OK?

I may have invited Megan.
Weren't you going to break up with her?

Yes, but her cat died.

Can we just skip the judgment part, OK?

It's the end of the f*cking world.

Well,
good to know you have things in perspective.

Megan wants me to tell Claire.
But Claire and I had a moment,

I think I'm going to end things with Megan,
so what's the point

in telling Megan if I've got
a thing going on with Claire?

And what I don't want to happen
is for Megan to tell Claire,

"I've been sleeping with Jonathan,"
and then Claire goes,

"I had a moment with Jonathan."

"You had a moment with Jonathan
while I was sleeping with Jonathan?

"I don't think I like Jonathan."

Then Claire goes,
"I don't think I like Jonathan,"

and then I die alone and live here forever.

So please, will you help me keep them apart?

Sorry, I stopped listening at "Cat died."

Dan, will you help me? Yeah, of course.

That's the whole reason I threw this shower.

OK, well, I know that's sarcasm,
but I'm just going to take it.

I mean, you could just talk to Claire...

Oh, my God, that's Megan.

Oh! Hi, Megan. Good afternoon.

Good afternoon, Jonathan. SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, erm...

You haven't told her yet, have you?
I haven't told her, no.

I know, I know, I know, but it's difficult.

That's OK. I'll help you find a moment.
Until then, I'll just,

I don't know,
become her best friend or something.

You really don't... You don't need to...
Chill out, would you?

I'm actually an amazing actress.

OK.

Good afternoon, Jonathan.
Is that you doing the...?

Yeah. Well, let me warm up.

Just, I think smaller...
Yeah, yeah, chill, chill, chill.

So, how are you feeling?

Yeah, I'm fine. It's OK.

It was for the best.

He was too... Good-looking.

What? No. Simple?

No. I was going to say too keen.

You'd think it would be the other way round.

Yes, Courtney,
I'm aware you thought I was punching.

Wait, is that Megan from Spencer's school?

Er, yep. What's she doing here?
Are you mates?

No. No, I've never met her.

Erm, truth is,
I shouldn't really be telling you this,

but Megan is writing a
book on family structures.

I met her at the fundraiser,

and she's here as a case
study on same-sex parents.

Erm...she wants to keep it quiet.

Oh, right.

Sorry, what?

I'm just going to go say hello.

No, no, absolutely do not do that.

Just stay here.

Cameron. Sam. Lovely to see you.

Everything all right?
No, not really. Come through, Sam.

Oh, sorry to hear that, mate. Divorce.

Sorry? Tough time.

Yes, I can imagine. Yeah.

She won't even look at me.

Sorry?

She won't even look at me.

Ever since you came over and started
talking about your weird film.

Yeah, I don't remember exactly what was said,
but I've got to...

I just feel really alone.

I don't know how to cook. OK.
Having potatoes every day.

Potatoes are nice. Not for breakfast. Oh.

I just really need someone to talk to,

like another dad that's been through this,
you know? Sure.

Well, look, good luck with that.
Take care, mate.

Well, I...

HE SIGHS

It's great that you and
Spencer get on so well.

Yeah, he's really sweet. Sweet?!
Like, in a cool way sweet, right?

Right, like he's, you know,
he's sort of fly?

Not fly, but attractive?

Not attractive,
but he's kind of got a dope flex.

What? Forget about it.

Spencer, look who's here.

Oh, wow. That is, erm...

That is a strong look, isn't it? Dad!

I think you look cute.

Yeah, OK. Well, I'd better dash.

So, what do you want to do?

Shall we watch Mean Girls? Yeah!

So, you're an author?
Of my own destiny, sure.

We all have that within us...
Claire, I need a word, please.

Oh, Jonathan, do you know Megan?

No. Yeah, we do.

No. Do we?

We do sort of know...
From where or how, though.

I don't... Wouldn't it be when
you bought him at the auction?

Oh, yes, the auction.
You did... I bought you at an auction!

Yeah, but we never really followed it up.
Left it there. We are mad.

Yeah, it was just a one-off
thing that sort of ended

at the fundraiser.
Claire, can I have a quick word?

What? I'm worried that Spencer's
about to get his heart broken.

He's about to go and... Oh, hey again.

Hi! Hi, Megan. You're here.

Yes, I was just thinking that I
think maybe now would be a good time

for us all to chat. I don't know, chinwag?

Oh, well, actually,
Claire and I were kind of in the middle

of a chat, so...

Right. Good, good.

Don't mind me. I'm invisible.

Just treat me like a ghost.

She's quite odd, isn't she?

Jonathan, you're being quite odd.

What, am I?

Maybe it's because I'm worried
about Spencer's heart being broken

into a million pieces.
Why would you think that?

Well, because I think Sam's twatty
parents might actually be correct.

He's probably in the friendzone.

Well, how do you know?

It wasn't long ago you thought
she was going to Euphoria him.

Well, that's before I processed
the fact that he's my son,

and so he's destined to move
from friendzone to friendzone

until he eventually find someone
with low enough self-esteem

to take pity on him, date him,
and then have a child with him.

Oh, well done.
You managed to insult all three of us there.

I'm sorry, but it's true, OK?

And do you know the only thing
that's worse than being in

the friendzone? The humiliation
of letting them know you thought

it might be more than friends.
It's horrible.

Well, that is a fascinating
insight into your mind, Jonathan.

We can't always protect him.

It's not healthy for any of us.

Besides, wasn't protecting him

the reason you didn't
want to get back together?

SHE SIGHS

Are you OK? Yeah.

I'm sure Courtney told you.
I broke up with Brett.

No.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Yeah, well...

..I'm not.

So...I guess that means...

..we're both single now.

Yes, I guess we are, yeah.

Which does kind of...

..make you think, doesn't it?

Yeah, it does.

GUITAR PLAYS

sh1tting hell, Jonathan,
I can hear a guitar.

Get in there!

Spencer, you're on the,
er, you're on the guitar.

Not seen you playing that in a while.

What are you doing? Sorry to interrupt.

We need to have a quick chat, mate. Urgent.

Sort of quick.
Yes, probably more of a lads' chat.

Is it? Where will you be?

Back at the party. What, are you my handler?

Well,
do you not think that you should be with Sam?

BOTH: Why?

Well, because...

..er...

..erm...

I can't think of anything
that isn't potentially sexist.

All right, come on, Spencer, let's go.
Sorry. OK.

Dad, you're being super weird.

Were you about to sing to her?

Maybe. But can't you only play Wild Thing?

Spencer,
I don't really know how to say this,

but has it ever occurred to
you that she might just say no?

Why would she say no?

Well, because she thinks you're just mates.

Really?

Maybe. Like...

Maybe just bide your time and then
wait to see if she gives you a sign

that she's actually interested. But she has.

I'm always the first person
she goes to with gossip.

A different sign, Spencer.

A very different sign.

Why have you done your hair like this,
by the way?

I think she likes it.

I mean, it's completely solid.
I think it might be bulletproof.

Claire!

Saved you a little chez.

Oh, Claire, I think Dan actually
wants you to sit down this end,

so let me just...
There's no space down here.

Yeah, of course there is.
What are you talking about?

Do you mind just sort of...?

Yeah, it's OK. Thank you.

Let me just...

See? There you go.

What are you doing?

I just, you know, I thought you
and Amy would get on like a house

on fire, so... Yeah, well, that's fantastic,

but this is Anna.

Oh, right, I meant... Pippa.

I don't even think there is an Amy, actually.
OK.

I have a saying.

Raising a baby is a three-man job.

LAUGHTER

Or woman.

I'm quite fun like that,
but also deadly serious.

Will the parents be helping out at all?

Er, nope. They hate kids. Oh!

Mine are dead, so, unlikely.

Oh, for f*ck's sake!

But I'm sure it will just
take a bit of adjustment.

Says the one going back to work.

Court, you've got to find a bit of me-time.

Please promise me you'll do that.

I spent those first six months
going slowly mad, honestly,

just a never-ending loop of sh1tting,
sleeping, feeding,

sh1tting, sleeping, feeding.

Argh! You know, k*ll me now.

Then there's the nursery.
Nursery! Nursery! Gets worse.

Awful. It's just like a nonstop
trail of disease and destruction

after that... Yes, yes.

I swear to God,
I was never sick before Emmy,

and then it's flu, nits, a**l worms.

She knows what I'm talking about.

Honestly, those places are deathtraps.

Guys, I'm sure there are
some positives as well. Hmm!

Erm... Er...

Jonathan, please...?

Oh, yeah. I mean, you know, I loved it.

Oh!

I remember when Spence
was struggling to sleep,

and Claire was nearly in tears
from the pain of feeding him,

and it was 3.00am,
and we just basically teamed up

and stepped up for each other.
It was, erm... It was amazing.

So you were up at 3.00am and Claire
was crying through nipple pain?

Great. Does anybody else
have anything to add?

I don't know. Vaginal prolapse, perhaps?

Oh, yes. That happened to me.

My surgeon had to thumb it back up...

OK, I think that is enough table time.

Let's go and play a game,
preferably in silence.

Games, yes,
although maybe not the silence part.

I do tend to talk.

Oh, oh, oh!

I don't think so.

And go!

Fiddly little f*ck, aren't you?

Oh! Erm...

Yes!

Oh!

Oh, Courtney!

I'm fine.

Jonathan, let's see what game you brought.

I've actually done a quiz.

Oh! Original.

MEGAN: I love quizzes!

And it is called - wait for it -

Mummy Mastermind.

Woohoo! I actually want to k*ll myself.

The pressure is on.

OK, question one.

How do you remove the umbilical cord stump?

Stump? It's not a f*cking tree, Jonathan.

You let it fall off naturally.

See? This is fun, isn't it?

In what position should your baby sleep?

Easy.

That is easy, actually, yes. On its front.

Front? Oh, my God.

I sleep on my front.
He's probably going to do the same, isn't he?

I think they tend to say back,
just for sort of breathing purposes.

Lucky you'll be there, Dan!

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

Oh, no, no, no. This is great.

I'm having...
Oh, no, we're having a really good time.

I've got loads of questions. Sh.

Erm...

When is it safe to feed the child honey?

MEGAN: Oh, easy. That's so easy.

I don't know.

BOTH: After a year!

How do you tell if your baby has tongue-tie?

What's tongue-tie?

Usually when it's struggling to feed.

Think someone's got a tongue-tie right here.

She's not good. She's not good at this.

How many times a day does
a baby poo its nappy?

I don't know. Twice.

MEGAN: No! Twice! You'll be lucky!

Dan, I think you might need
some more parental leave.

This one definitely needs it.

Honestly! Have you read any of the books?

You do not have a chance.

"What are NCT classes?"
What it is it, The Jungle Book?

We're just going to throw it out
into the jungle and the wolves

will bring it up. Is that it?
Is that what you're doing?

Is that what you're thinking? f*ck off!

Oh!

I'll be back.

WTF just happened?

Last question - did Courtney like the quiz?

I don't think so.

I think you should go and check on them.

Yeah, OK, well,
I'm going to go see what's goin...

I think everybody should just
sort of stay in their seats

for the sake of Dan and Court.
No mingling at all.

OK, bye.

GIGGLING AND CHATTER

HORN HONKS

Bye!

Dad! Guess what?

First guess -
you are re-enacting an 1830s courtship.

Sam said yes!

I've got a girlfriend!

You've got a girlfriend?

What about what we talked about? Erm...

You didn't listen to a word I said, did you?

Don't be annoyed. It's just....

..your answer to everything is
just wait and see what happens,

and I really wanted her to be my girlfriend,
so I thought,

I don't know, I'd just ask.

And she said yes!

I can't believe you've got a girlfriend.

Yeah! You've got a girlfriend!
I know! You've got a girlfriend.

Yeah! You've got a girlfriend!
I've got a girlfriend!

Oh, my God. Megan.

Dad.

But you have to move on, Claire.
You have to, because if you don't...

What are you guys talking about?

Er, cats. Achilles.

Oh, right.
That's not what it sounded like you were...

..you were talking about, so...

Oh, Jonathan.

SHE GROANS I'm stressed.

Can we just...? Can we just talk openly?

Can we, please? What? Why?

Sorry, what? No. What's going on?

There is nothing going on, is there, at all?

I just feel that you should... I should...

We should just share our stories openly.

Truthfully.

Oh, is this a...? Is this about your book?

Because you do know I'm not a l*sbian.

I'm not a l*sbian either.
I mean, this is a silly conversation.

I mean, I think you're probably
stressed out about the cat thing.

I don't know a lot about it,

but maybe we should just sort
of break off and have a chat...

Jonathan, you've got one chance
to tell me what's going on here.

Erm...

Oh, my God.

Are you two..?

Really?

What?!

HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

No! That's mad!

That's crazy! Yeah, no, that is crazy.

That's crazy. Sorry.

Sorry, Megan. No offence.

HORN HONKS

I think your cab's here, so...

Yeah. Nice to see you.

Lovely to see you too.

As if! BOTH LAUGH

Court! I'm fine.

Yeah, I know.

It's just all too much, Dan.

All of the baby questions and
the moaning and the baby facts.

I mean,
how am I supposed to know all of this stuff?

You could have read one of
the baby books that I...

You were supposed to be my book!

Remember,
you said that we would be in this together

like Thelma and Louise,

but I am flying off the f*cking cliff

and there is no-one in the seat beside me.

Is this about the job?

Of course it's about the f*cking job!

You're going to be off having
the most amazing, exciting time,

and I'm just going to be at home

learning how to f*cking
remove an umbilical stump.

Remember,
you don't actually have to remove it. It's...

Never mind.

Oh, I've got an idea. Let's just run away.

What? Really? Mm-hm.

I mean, I don't know whether you
can legally run away from a baby.

No, I meant the baby shower.

Oh. It's all getting too much.

Let's just...
Let's just go to a spa or something.

But what about all of our stuff?

We'll just wear bathrobes
all weekend and no baby talk.

No baby talk? Nope.

What do you say?

Thelma and Louise?

Thelma and Louise.

I actually hate that film.

Brett.

I made it. For you.

Oh!

It's a...carving.

Of you.

Of me? Yeah.

Is that what you think I look like?

Yeah.

Look, Megan, I think you're an
amazing person, I really do.

And I feel... Here we go.
Well, I feel... Melting my heart. Go on.

I mean, I guess there comes a
time when you sort of have to

assess the direction in which you're headed,
you know, get a read on it.

And, well, I feel really lucky to have,
you know, done stuff,

you know... Stuff! Well, you know,
like hang out and stuff, you know.

Oh, my God, are you...?

We're not going to do stuff here.

It's your sister's baby shower, you pervert!

No, I know. I'm not suggesting that.
I mean, like, yeah, but...

..no! No, that's absolutely not...

That's not what I was suggesting at all.
Cool!

Just... Erm...

I admit at times I might
have come on a bit strong.

You mean by trying to force
a meeting with my child

and reupholstering my sofa?

Yeah, I'll be honest,
the sofa thing I still don't understand.

Like, was it the material?

Oh, my...

Well, I guess what I'm trying to say is,
if you consider things

in the round,
if you think of us as two ships...

Oh, my God, Jonathan, just speak normally.

I want us to break up,
is-is the thing that I was trying to say,

and that is the situation
as it currently stands,

and will do, going forward.

And so you've invited me to
your sister's baby shower,

after my cat has died, to tell me that?

In my defence, the cat died and
then I felt like you wanted to come

to the baby shower as some sort
of way of getting over the death.

Hush. The way you've behaved today
has been a shitshow, by the way,

and I know you think that
by avoiding saying anything

that might upset someone,
that you're being kind.

But let me assure you that
it's actually the opposite,

because this is, this not kind, Jonathan.

Oh, well,
don't have a nervous breakdown about it.

That's so boring.

Anyways, it's fine. I'm sleeping with Brett.

Sorry, what?

No, I'm joking.

Trying to lighten the mood. Jesus.

Claire...

..I love you.

And I want you back.

That's so sweet...

..but I can't.

What do you mean, you can't?

I'm sorry.

I can't because...

..I need to talk to Jonathan.

Yeah. Thank you.

Well, Jonathan,
I've had a really lovely day.

Yeah!

I'm going to miss this.

What the f*ck?

♪ You were the one

♪ The one I cherished

♪ Never thought I'd be alone

♪ Nobody else could have seen it

♪ I turned my head and you were gone

♪ Time and again, I carried on

♪ With an ache in my head, but you

♪ Oh, with a smile on your face

♪ You play it cool... ♪