02x01 - Daddy Sleepover

[bunniefuu]

(PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)

MARIA:

(SPRAY CAN RATTLES AND HISSES)

(MARIA SPEAKS SPANISH)

What are we supposed to do with
the bird?

DOM: Dunno. Feed it?

Why doesn't he take it with him?

Oh, he's going to Dubai.

ANGIE: Why?

Yeah.

Oh, oh, oh. No, no, that's mine.

Yeah, but I paid for it
with my credit card.

Oh, come on.
You don't even drink tea.

I'm trying
to cut down on coffee.

The blue one gets a drip
when it pours. It's useless.

Who said we need
to be adults about this?

- OK, fine.
- Thank you.

Should we scissor-paper-rock,
then, for the first week?

ANGIE: Mm-hm.

- Scissor, paper...
- I know. It's OK.

You want it first

so you can have a play date
with your girlfriend.

(THWACK!)

- (ROSA GRUNTS)
- (EGG SMASHES)

What's going on?

(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)

(WHISPERS) This will make
Christmas awkward.

Can you go down
and deal with it?

- (EGG SMASHES)
- Me?

(WHISPERS) Yeah, just...
tell her I'm not here.

DOM: I'm not going out there.
She looks really angry.

But, Dom...

"Please, Dom."

(EGG SMASHES)

(DOM SPEAKS FIRMLY)
"Please, Dom."

(WHISPERS) Please.

(QUIRKY PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)

DOM: Oi!

(CAR DOOR SLAMS, ENGINE STARTS)

(ENGINE REVS)

(TYRES SQUEAL)

I might go first, actually.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

They're gonna take turns
living with you?

How civilised.

Yep. My parents are literally
going part-time on me.

Yeah, and you remain the literal
centre of their universe.

That seems pointed.

- sl*t!
- REEMA: f*ck off!

Yeah, well, you're the d*ck
who thinks shaming girls

will boost your status in
a culture of toxic masculinity!

- (CAR RUMBLES)
- (KIDS CHATTER)

I need a shorter comeback.

Yeah.

He probably
didn't even mean you.

Yeah, he was probably
talking about

the other high school student
with a baby on the street.

Sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry.

SANTI: That's all right.
I can put her down.

No, she just had a nap
in biology.

- She fed?
- Just before the nap.

- Due for a change?
- (CLICKS) About now.

(OLY GASPS PLAYFULLY) Ready?

- (OLY GASPS)
- (BABY BURBLES)

And we're gonna lie down.

(OLY GASPS) Good girl.

- I can do it.
- It's all right. I got it.

- Sure?
- Uh-huh.

Now if you just...

OK.

Thank you.

Ooh! It's a nice stinky one.

- OLY: All done.
- SANTI: OK.

So she's due for another feed
in 1 hour 15.

SANTI: OK, so how about
I'll take her to art?

And then I can meet you
back here for lunch.

(SANTI GRUNTS) Done!

- Nailing this!
- Nailing this.

- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
- (BOTH TRILL)

So cool.

(BABY GURGLES)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Erasing misogyny
one d*ck at a time.

One less c*ck and ba*ls
in the world, huh?

I've got French.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

- (BABY GURGLES)
- Bye!

Ooh, I've got one who says

that getting graded
for her art works

is a micro aggression.

- Micro aggression?
- Micro aggression.

- Nice...
- I know...

ROSA: Matias.

You forgot your lunch.

Should I put your lunch...

...here?
(SLAMS BAG)

No.

(ROSA TUTS)

(WHISPERS) Rosa.

How romantic.
(BANGS BENCH) Here.

Next to a sink.

MATIAS: Rosa!

Where's Angie?

Huh? Angie around?

- Where is she?
- I don't know.

Well, maybe you will be able
to keep your marriage vows

till lunchtime, then.

(BABY GURGLES)

Have you ever been called a sl*t
in the street

while you were carrying J?

Uh, once.

(OLY LAUGHS)

- Hey, I've been thinking.
- OLY: Hmm?

Maybe I could spend
a little bit more time with J

in the afternoon.

But you've got football.

Yeah, but not till 5:00.

I'm so sorry.

Why?

For my mum. And also
for not telling you about them.

It's all right.

They're adults, I guess.

You don't mind?

My dad's a f*ck-up, Oly.

Well, it's not only his fault.

Hey, um, I'd like to spend
more time with J.

I was thinking maybe she could
have sleepovers with me.

Oh, we... we haven't really
done that.

I know, but...

I mean,
it should be 50/50, right?

How about it, bub?

Daddy sleepovers?

(SANTI SMOOCHES)

I mean, you'll have time
to study.

Get some more sleep.

- Um...
- Yeah?

When she's not waking up
three times a night

to breastfeed,

then I'll think about it.

- (BABY GURGLES)
- OK.

(GURGLES)

(HIP-HOP MUSIC LEAKS
THROUGH HEADPHONES)

(BABY CRIES LOUDLY)

Oh, yes. Ooh, yum.

- (MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYS)
- (PHONE RINGS)

- (PHONE RINGS)
- (BABY CONTINUES CRYING)

You missing
the daily witching hour

at your fancy new apartment?

Oh, it's not that fancy.

I'm just checking in.
How are you going?

OLY: Yeah, well...
(CHUCKLES)

...as scheduled, we're having
a pretty sh*t time right now.

I know.

(BABY CRIES)

Hey, um, Santi wants to have
sleepovers with J.

It's, like, quite impractical.

Why's that?

Um, because I have to
breastfeed her,

like, three times a night,
obviously.

Well, he wants to help. Let him.

(CRIES)

Mwah!

Oh, I got this
organic baby formula.

I've got everything, Oly.

- (WHISPERS PLAYFULLY)
- Sleeping bag?

SANTI: Uh, except that.

I don't have that.

See, now I'm worried, because
you said you had everything

and you didn't have
a sleeping bag.

Oly... (SPEAKS SPANISH)

We're gonna be fine, OK?

- OK.
- SANTI: Hmm?

(SOFTLY) Well, bye.

Can you say bye to Mummy?

- (BABY BABBLES)
- (OLY AND SANTI LAUGH)

(SANTI WHISPERS) Bye.

Um, just call me anytime,

because I'll be on my phone
all day.

Oly...

...we're good.

- (DOOR OPENS)
- (SINGING IN SPANISH)

SONG: ♪ Ah-ooh!
Pull up, pull up in a German

-♪ Your crew look nervous
-♪ Why?

♪ Your g*ng came from the circus

♪ You ain't never, ever
made no earnings

- ♪ Ah-ooh! ♪
- BOTH: Uce!

This is gonna be mad.

You're going down, bro.

Little combo. Little combo here.

Here we go. (GRUNTS)

- Defended. Owned. Noped.
- (BABY BABBLES)

Look at the tiny little gamer.

(BABBLES AND GIGGLES)

- She loves it, eh? (LAUGHS)
- Own it.

Ah!

(SECURITY DOOR SQUEAKS)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Oh, Oly!

To what do I owe this pleasure?

Oh, you know, Santi's got J,

so I thought I'd come check out
where you'd rather live

than be at home
with your family.

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- ANGIE: Hmm.

Literally anywhere some days.
(SNICKERS)

OLY: What?

Nothing. What's that?

Hmm. Where did you get it?

- Early childhood clinic.
- (c*ck CHIRPS)

Whoa. What's its name?

Um, I don't know.
I feel sorry for it.

Do you need any help with that?

(READS) "Visualise your baby
while doing it."

- Eugh.
- (ANGIE CHUCKLES)

That's kind of creepy.

Hmm. Never worked for me.

Although,
most things didn't then.

This thing is so agricultural.

What do you mean,
"most things didn't"?

I don't know, well,
it was just...

...wasn't an easy time, you know?

Dom was working long hours
and Mum had cancer.

Another difficult birth,
I don't know.

I was pretty depressed,
actually.

Really?

ANGIE: Hmm.

Oh. I didn't know that.

Why didn't you tell me that?

I'm telling you now.

Are you depressed now?

No.

Really?

That's so good.

That's so good that you're
keeping a positive attitude.

Sorry?

Well... (SCOFFS) ..you know,
you're a divorced grandmother

alone in this weird flat with
a crossword and a bird, so...

(CHUCKLES)

Yikes. (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS MIRTHLESSLY)

(c*ck CHIRPS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
ON CAR STEREO)

(TYRES SCREECH)

(MUSIC AND ENGINE CUT OUT)

(SNIFFLES)

(DOOR OPENS)

Nope! No!

No. Please no.

No, I had to pay for a Gerni to
get rid of the last lot of eggs.

Where's your wife?

I... She's not here. She...

f*cked my husband.

- Yeah.
- "Yeah."

(SNIFFLES)

That's all you have to say?

What's wrong with you people?

ROSA: Huh?

Well...

You want some alcohol?

It helps.

Why didn't you go over there
and knock Matias out, huh?

Don't you wanna k*ll him?

I don't feel great about it,
but...

What, do you reckon I...

Is he a good fighter?

Oh, Matias has
a terrible temper.

Yeah, yeah, well, violence
doesn't solve anything.

You know, I was
at the supermarket tonight.

Hmm? Shopping. (SCOFFS)

Can you believe this?

I mean, he screws your wife
and I'm the victim here.

- Oh, yeah, me too.
- (SCOFFS) I guess.

And now he's all like,
"Ai, sí, poor me."

"My wife made me cheat on her."

- (ROSA SCOFFS)
- Yeah.

And I'm still running
the business and shopping

and cooking for the boys
and for his ex in-laws.

Oh, is that where you got
the eggs from?

Yes.

Are you gonna get divorced?

- SANTI: J! J, J, J, J.
- VINCE: Hey, JJ.

- (PHONE BUZZES)
- Look! Look!

- (BABY BABBLES)
- Hey! Oh!

- Where's Daddy gone?
- (PHONE BUZZES)

- (BABY HUFFS)
- VINCE: JJ. Hey, JJ, look.

- Hey!
- Hey.

- (BABY FUSSES)
- Is that J?

Yeah, yeah, that's over.
She's fine. She's good.

OK, I'm gonna come over.

No, no. Hey, Oly? I've got this.

She's just, um... she's just
a little bit overstimulated.

Hey, um, I've gotta feed her
now, so I gotta go.

OK, well, I'm probably
not gonna be able to sleep.

- So just call me anytime.
- OK.

Yep. 'Night, Oly. Bye.

Ooh. (SIGHS) There she goes.

(GENTLE MUSIC)

- (BABY FUSSES)
- SANTI: Hey, hey, calm down.

Can you hurry up
with that, Vince?

- Yes, I'm on it, man.
- Hey, come on. J. J!

It's OK. Hey, hey.

Wait, bro, bro, Oly says

you're not supposed to heat that
in the microwave.

You wanna wait while I heat up
the saucepan, then?

Good point. OK.

It's OK, J. Come on.

Hey, it's OK! Come on, little J.

Uncle Vince is gonna feed you
a bottle.

It's coming, 'Cinda.

It's coming!

You'll be here like this,
but not like this.

- Yep, it's coming.
- Yeah, that's all right.

Where did you learn
to do that, bro?

I look after my nephews
all the time.

- Go on. Take it. Take it!
- (BABY SQUEALS)

She's not taking it, bro.

- This is hectic.
- (BABY SQUEALS)

- What do we do, man?
- (BABY FUSSES)

Hey?

She might be congested,
actually.

Like, a blocked nose.

You know, baby... babies get it
all the time.

Um, like, they feel like
they can't breathe

if they're sucking on a bottle.

OK. So what do we do?

You gotta suck the snot
out of her nose.

What?!

You gotta suck the snot
out of her nose.

Are you... are you messing
with me right now, Vince?

Babies can't blow
their own noses.

It's the only way.

Are you...
are you sure this is...

Do you want her
to breathe or not?

OK, what do I do, bro?
What do I do?

- Lean her back.
- Lean her back?

Mouth to nose and just suck
all the snot out.

Mouth to nose and suck
the snot out. Like... like...

You can do it, man.
You're a great dad. Best dad.

- You can do it.
- (BABY WAILS)

(SANTI SUCKS BABY'S NOSE
FORCEFULLY)

- (SANTI GAGS)
- (BABY WAILS)

- (SANTI GRUNTS INSISTENTLY)
- Oh, yeah.

You'll definitely need that.

- (SANTI GAGS AND COUGHS)
- (BABY FUSSES)

That was kinda gross.
I can't believe you did that.

(SANTI COUGHS AND PANTS)

f*ck you, Vince.

(DANCE MUSIC THUMPS IN DISTANCE)

f*ck you, Oly.

(LAUGHS)

I'm completely fine.
I'm not depressed.

(SIGHS) Jesus.

Quite happy with
my life choices.

I think I chose really wisely.

(DOG BARKS NEARBY)

(EXHALES)

(SIGHS)

This flat's not weird.

(SIGHS)

(DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES
IN DISTANCE)

(SIREN WAILS)

- (BOTH LAUGH)
- ('SWEETHEART' BY DIED PRETTY)

You're funny. I didn't know
you were so funny.

- Oh, thank you.
- (LAUGHS)

- Can you dance?
- Can I dance?

- (LAUGHS)
- 'Course I can dance.

I was in a band at uni.

- (LAUGHS)
- Bass player, I think. Yeah.

- (LAUGHS)
- Ooh, it's not that funny.

We... we toured
the east coast once.

- Oh.
- Well, Canberra.

(ROSA LAUGHS)

Nothing cool about
"used to be cool",

Mr... Uni Band.

(ROSA GIGGLES)

Know what we could do?

Really piss 'em off?

(SCOFFS) What do you have
in mind?

(WHISPERS) We could key
their cars.

SONG: ♪ Sweetheart
It's down to... ♪

(BOTH LAUGH)

♪ Sweetheart

♪ Never cries out

♪ Sweetheart... ♪

How did you find out
about Matias?

Well, Angie told me
she was in love with him.

(ROSA SETS GLASS DOWN)

Um, no... I... I... I have to go.

(SOFT FOOTSTEPS)

(SANTI WHISPERS) Oly.

- What's going on?
- Shh-shh!

- Where's J?
- Shh. She's asleep.

She's asleep.

What's happening?

I couldn't get her to bed.

She fell asleep
on the way here, though.

Your dad let me in.

Did you just wanna see me?

Yeah. Did cross my mind.

(BABY FUSSES)

- (BABY CRIES)
- SANTI: Shh-shh-shh.

(OLY AND SANTI LAUGH SOFTLY)

(BABY FUSSES)

(OLY AND SANTI BREATHE HEAVILY)

(BABY FUSSES AND CRIES)

Come on!

Good girl.

I sucked the snot
out of her nose.

What?

I had to suck the snot out
of her nose.

Thought she couldn't breathe.

- (BABY FUSSES)
- Huh, J?

Like...

Like, sucked?

Like... (SLURPS)

What? (LAUGHS)

There is no way that
that's a thing.

There's medicine
for that, Santi.

(SANTI CHUCKLES)

I didn't know
how to help her, Oly.

I don't think
I'm any good at this.

(OLY TUTS)

You're implausibly good at this,
actually.

Hmm?

I mean, it is
a lower bar for dads.

Ita's right.

About what?

Babies need their mothers.

They need their fathers too.

(GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC)

(DOM LA NENA SINGS 'MILONGA'
IN PORTUGUESE)

MARIA: Ohh!

('MILONGA' CONTINUES)

No, no, no.

('MILONGA' CONTINUES)

(TYRES SKID)

Santi.

(MATIAS LAUGHS)

('MILONGA' CONTINUES)

- ('MILONGA' FADES)
- (UNSETTLING MUSIC)

(MATIAS AND OFFICERS
SPEAK INAUDIBLY)

YOUNG SANTI: Papa?

('QUIÉREME NA'MA'
BY LA 33 PLAYS)

Hi. (CONTINUES INAUDIBLY)

('QUIÉREME NA'MA'
CONTINUES PLAYING)

ANGIE: Thank you.

('QUIÉREME NA'MA' FADES)

(UNEASY LATIN-INSPIRED MUSIC)

SONG: ♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

(SINGING IN SPANISH)