03x09 - Parents of the Year

[bunniefuu]

I might head off, then.

I think I've moved through
denial into shock.

Is that the next phase?

Um, yeah, maybe.

Who leaves their partner
at 35 weeks pregnant?

I'm sure she hasn't
abandoned you.

I'm gonna be alone!

With a baby.

Why is this happening to me?

This is because
this is a major life decision

and I didn't think this through,
isn't it?

- No.
- No!

- No way. Nuh.
- No, of course not.

Anyway, my mum says every parent
learns on the job.

So... that's positive.

My parents don't speak to me.

What if I don't speak to her
in 30 years?

That's not gonna happen.

Do they know about the baby?

Oh, no.

Oh, Ariel, I'm sorry.

- Hello!
- Hey!

I'm so sorry I'm late.

I started to think you weren't
coming, and...

Why?

Well, you've been
a little... preoccupied lately.

Just been so busy.

I am starving.

And...

...I've noticed a definite
downward turn in our...

In our what?

You know, our...

...time together, you know?

Our incidence of time together.

Wow.

That is... Whew!

So romantic.
A data-driven approach.

Well, come on,

what's going on with us?

- A positive curve in...
- Incidence?

Yeah, that would indicate
advancing intimacy,

but the pattern here
is the opposite.

Yeah, you're right.

About what? Um...

Is it about me, or...

...is it about Santi?

Not everything is about Santi.

- OK.
- I just feel like...

...breakfast.

OK!

- Hey...
- Hey...

- You go.
- No. You go.

OK.

Um, so my housemate's moving
out in a couple of weeks.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

Where's she going?

She's moving in
with her boyfriend and his mum.

Yeah.

People can make their
own mistakes, no judgement.

Um, but it got me thinking.

We don't work together
anymore, so...

Would it be crazy
if you moved in here?

No!

So he's got no idea

you've been thinking about
finding him for five years?

No wonder you're freaking out.

I haven't been thinking about
finding him for five years

and I'm not freaking out...

sh*t, he's here.

Hey!

- Hey!
- Hello, Tim. How are you, mate?

Thanks for coming.

Didn't know we had company.

- This is my son, Bowie.
- Ah!

Tim, really nice to meet you,
mate. Heard a lot about you.

Great to meet you.

- Bowie's here to get laid.
- Ah!

It's really devaluing, Dad,
when you put it like that.

Why don't you just,
you know, use the apps

like all the young people
are doing?

Or like all the old people.

Yeah.
Bowie's against dating apps.

Yeah,
I find for-profit algorithms

actually corrupt interpersonal
exchange, you know?

Serendipity
should ordain these things.

Fair enough.

So, Bowie.
What's your favourite record?

Ooh, um...

'Hunky Dory' or 'Aladdin Sane'.

- Pick a lane.
- Well, that's impossible.

OK.
It's Desert Island Discs.

You can only take one.

'Hunky Dory'.

No.

'Low' is Bowie's best album.

That wasn't even in the options.

'Marquee Moon'
or 'Remain in Light'?

Mixed artists.

Levelling up.

Hey, guys,
why do you have to pick one?

We've got the internet now.
You can just take everything.

f*ck' young people.

Well, I would have picked
'Marquee Moon'.

Me too.

I was listening to the start
of that Interpol song.

This thing has
changed completely

from what I signed up for.

I'm just the donor.

They're the family.

Oh!

I think the legal agreement
you signed with them

says otherwise, but OK.

Mm. Mm. Mm-hm.

Pranayama breaths.

That's it.

Yeah, OK.

Whew.

I probably should have
thought this through, huh?

You probably should have, yeah.

At least I didn't get married.

That was perfect
in theory, actually.

But it wasn't, so who knows?

Maybe this dumpster fire
will turn out beautifully.

Maybe it'll be different
to how you thought it would be

but you'll make it work.

I better...

Yeah, of course.

- Oh, OK.
- Go.

Um...

...you reckon
you can stay for a bit?

Team Vince.

...player in that.

Yeah, no, that's 'Dub...'

That's... yeah, that's,
um, Beats International.

- Beats International...
- 'Dub Be Good To Me'.

- ...ended up being Fat boy Slim.
- Yeah.

The bass player,
did you know that?

What is going on?

Where's the content here?

Pfft! Another flame-out, huh?

Pretty low strike rate, Boz.

Is that right?

Hey, have... have you heard
about Brover, Tim?

What's Brover?

Dad's app.

You were the muse.

- Me?!
- Yeah.

What, the incel app?
That was in the news.

- It's not an in...
- That's you?

Yes, and you weren't the...

It came out of a genuine desire

to facilitate
fraternal friendships.

Didn't it make a right-wing
t*rror1st watch list?

No. No, it didn't,
and don't laugh.

Some of the users did.

But, jeez, I mean,
you accidentally enable

some men's rights group

and suddenly
you're part of the problem?

You literally are, Dad.
He is.

Middle-aged white men

have the right
to be treated fairly.

Yes.

Because it's bloody tough
for us right now.

Yeah?

We are the most marginalised
demographic

in the world today.

- Are you?
- That's it. I'm going.

- Huh!
- Us.

You're the Brover guy.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am.

Yeah, actually no of fence,

but you're actually
not welcome here.

This is a safe space

and I think you should leave.

White male supremacists?
Honey, no.

You too.

- Say hi to Uncle Bowie!
- Hey!

Hey!

- Hey, JJ.
- Hi, Uncle Bowie.

Hey, hey!

- Oh.
- Hey, man.

- Hey. Can I...
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Oh!

- Thanks for doing this.
- No worries, hermano.

- How have you been?
- Yeah, I've been.

It's just a lame school thing

so I don't think
it's gonna be a late one.

Everything you need is in there.

So just give me a call
if anything changes.

Yeah, cool. No dramas.

- Hey, Santi...
- Yeah.

Do you think I'm attractive?

Uh, I mean...

You're... You're not my type.

I'm an objectively beautiful
person, right?

Why can't I connect
with anyone right now?

Um...

I dunno. I dunno, man.

But you'll...
You'll... find someone.

While we're doing...

...whatever this is
that we're doing...

...I'm moving in with Keeks.

Oh. That's... big.

Mm.

- What do you think?
- Ooh.

I'm not really sure
it's my place...

- You know, she's great.
- Sure.

And I really care about her,
and she asked me to move in.

- So, you know...
- Yeah.

There's a lot to be said
for peacemaking instincts

in intimate relationships.

OK, that sort of sounds
like you think I'm a flake

that just does
whatever my girlfriend wants.

- Is this about my sister?
- No.

Not everything is about Oly.

OK. Well, congratulations, man.

Are you happy?

Yeah.

"The little humpback
loved the warm, safe waters"

"of the Great Barrier Reef
where she was born."

"But one day,
her mama said to her,"

"'We must get ready to swim
to Antarctica for the summer.'"

"'But, Mama, '
said the little humpback,"

"'that's so far away!'"

- Does the baby whale go?
- Yeah.

But only once she's got
old enough to go on her own.

But wouldn't she miss her mama?

Yeah, yeah, of course she would,
you know?

But what about her daddas?

Yeah, yeah, she misses them too,

but sometimes
you've got to go away

to do the things
that you've got to do.

- Why do they go to Antarctica?
- To eat.

You mean they can't eat
unless they go to Antarctica?

No, no. Do we want to hear
the rest of the story?

OK, OK.

"And one day,
the little humpback,"

"who was not little anymore,"

"swam back to the reef again"

"to have her very own
little baby humpback"

"in the warm, safe waters
where she was born."

Ooh, ooh!

Very cute, Ols!

So, who wore it better?

- You both look amazing.
- Have you met everyone?

- My husband, Trent.
- Hey.

- Mads' man, Chris.
- Hey. Nice to meet you.

- Oly.
- Hey, Mads.

Hey.

Karl, you're not dressed up!

- Karl doesn't like fun.
- I do like fun. I like it a lot.

$10 chardonnay and trivia with
school parents, not so much.

- I got you a sangria.
- Oh.

Where's baby-daddy?

I think he's just running late.

So, brainiac, how's uni
and all that sh*t?

Yeah, it's fine.

This girl's gonna
run the joint one day.

- Oh!
- No, Ols, no, that's bullshit.

Don't sell yourself short.

Karl, you should hire her.

Karl runs some global
education fund thingy.

Only the Australian office.

Really?

That global do-gooder sh*t.
Right up your strasse.

Oh, I would love to
talk to you about that.

Let's not talk work right now.

Mads.

Detox.

- Oh, Karl.
- I know.

Who are you dressed as?

Hey, everyone.

- Here we go.
- Whoa!

Here we go.

Sorry I'm late.

Rock on!

Ooh, fish-nets!

So, Oly, you like trivia?

Not really.

I mean, who wants
to spend their time

competing against strangers

to answer a bunch of random
inconsequential questions

about their general knowledge?

OK, everyone, first question.

The Glass-Steagall Act.

It was Dodd-Frank, sweetheart.

That was 2010.

Glass-Steagall was 1930s.
Sweetheart.

Schooled.

Who named the Pacific Ocean?

Magellan. Magellan.

What is the hottest planet
in the solar system?

- The sun! The sun.
- Planet.

- Uranus.
- Venus.

- Your an*s.
- Venus.

I'm going with Ol, Skye.
No of fence.

How many countries still have
the shilling as currency?

Table 10, I'm watching you.
No go ogling.

Kenya, Uganda,
Tanzania, Somalia...

Four.

Four.

Six.

Atlassian.

Maya Angelou.
Maya Angelou.

1942.

The Higgs boson particle!

OK, we'll be right back
after this short break.

Don't forget about
the silent auction.

I've got my eye on
a lovely Gold Coast getaway,

so hands off that one.

Oly,

why do you know
how many countries

signed the Montreal Protocol?

UN treaties
are sort of Oly's specialty.

I only really know the education
and the environment ones

to that level.

Huh!

You are a genius.

What's funny?

Not funny at all.

- I was just like you at uni.
- Lonely?

Very.

OK, on top, with 147 points,

it's the Quizzy Rascals.

...Harris Farm
for the first date!

Well, OK, look, I guess...

I guess I am a muse and I
should be completely flattered.

Muse is overstating it.

You are more of an inspi...

sh*t!

What? What's wrong?

My ex and my sister
are over there.

Oh, so they're still
on good terms?

Oh, you could say that.

They're f*cking.

Oh, you're not...
you're not kidding?

Oh. Oh, sh*t, man.

How... How are you doing
with... with that?

I'm, uh...

I'm doing as approximately well

as you would think
I'm doing with that.

Oh, sh*t, they're coming over.

For the gentlemen.

I don't like that beer.

Oh, come on, Dom!

It's your favourite.

Angela.

Are you speaking to me?

Well, I have to, don't I?

Otherwise I'll seem like a jerk
in front of my new friend.

Oh, are you Tim?

- Mm.
- You're the app muse.

- Mmm.
- Oh, Tim!

We've heard so much about you.
Good to meet you.

So you're the ex
and you're the sister?

Dom's filled you in, I see.

Oh, I know nothing.

I make... no comment.

Hey, whose side are you on?

I'm sorry, Dom.

You know I'm...

I'm really sorry.

You ask a lot of me, Ange.

But...

...I know, you fell in love.

I did.

Which is weird.

And undermining.

But here we are.

Well, all's fair
in love and w*r.

Ah! Quoting Shakespeare
makes everything alright.

It's not Shakespeare.

Yeah, it's actually...
It's John Lyly.

Oh! Very impressive!

Mm!

Hands off.

He's mine.

Then she was all like,

"As if you're gonna
make the class mascot!"

I went full f*cking
Steiner mum on her arse

and I busted out the wool
and the wooden beads.

Yes.

Watch out, b*tch.

Anyway, she has thin hair.

- Thin hair.
- You in the market?

You know what they say...

The housing market
or the share...

No. N-Neither.

You need passive income.

At your age, first thing I did,

borrowed to build
a share portfolio.

Now look at me. Tesla.
Boat. Beach house.

- The holy trinity.
- Top me up.

Yeah, wow, that's, um...
that's impressive.

You've got to get
in the market, Santi.

Hey, get a spread across
data aggregators,

crypto, NFTs...

No, no, you don't
want to get into crypto.

- Sector's volatile as sh*t.
- She's such a control freak.

- It's going to the moon!
- It's a bubble!

Fine if you wanna go play
in the paddling pool

with the Dogecoin kiddies,

but, Santi, your miners,
offshore gas, your banks,

huge stable returns,
no downside.

Except climate change, I guess.

Look, maybe you don't have
much stomach for risk, mate,

but these new sectors, Santi,

are sh1tting out millionaires
by the ton.

- Ton!
- I'll look into it.

Like an elephant sh*t them.

Your boat, beach house,
what more do you want?

- Oh, God!
- Oh.

- You scared me.
- Sorry.

Um...

- I was just, um, a bit thirsty.
- Mm.

Not... not thirsty.

- God, never mind.
- No? Um... cool.

- Sure.
- Mm-hm.

And, um...

Is ev... Are you...
Are you comfortable on...

...on the sofa bed
and everything?

- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Yeah?

- Mm.
- Um...

Thanks for helping out today.

Couldn't have done it
without you.

Ain't no thing.

Oh, here you cuties are!

Hey, I'm gonna hate-watch
the sh*t

out of 'Real Housewives'.

Who's with me?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, do you know
that this place is closing down?

How sh*t is that?

That, my friend,

is everything
that is wrong with this world

in a nutshell!

That's a true story.

You know,

I've always dreamt of owning
my own record store.

Small-pressed vinyl
and memorabilia.

Music books.

Box sets.

Whisky bar in the corner.

Alphabetised,
from Japanese to...

...Scottish to Tasmanian.

Hey...

...my kids are at uni,
I'm divorced.

My mortgage is paid off. Almost.

Which means you are a free man!

You're a free man.

The thing is,

materials costs have gone up
30% every quarter.

So I... so I tell this guy,
I say,

"You gotta be smart,
lock in your contracts."

Mm. Mm-hm.

Who's got Jays tonight, Ol?

My brother's babysitting her
at Mum's house.

And get this.

This amateur thinks,
"Oh, I'll just wing it."

His budget blows out 500 grand!

What a dipshit!

Babe, do you think your costume
might be black face?

What?

But I loved Prince.

OK, you see that woman
over there at the bar,

the one in the black?

No, no, don't, don't...

- Elvira?
- Yeah.

She just rubbed her boob
on my elbow.

- Really?
- Yeah.

She bought my painting
in the silent auction,

then she asked me
to paint her naked.

- Yeah.
- God!

Yeah.

- What did you say?
- I don't know.

I can't remember.
I just kind of freaked out.

But then her husband came over.
See the dude?

In the leopard print. Thought
he was gonna knock me out.

But he invites me back
to their place for a drink.

Did they want
to have a threesome?

No, save yourself the night.
He breathes weird.

- They're Arlo's parents.
- Oh!

Looks like
they're after you too, Ol.

I gotta take a leak.

- It is tempting.
- Oh!

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

What the actual f*ck, Trent?!

No. No. No.

Oh!

Oh, my God, these people!

I thought
we were the bad parents.

They're supposed
to be the grown-ups.

Yeah, we didn't even know
each other when we had J.

- What's your excuse?
- Yeah, try being teen parents!

We deserve some kind of award.

- Parent of the year award.
- Yeah.

It was hard sometimes.

Was?

We're only
five and a half years in!

It'll be alright.

Oly!

Santi!

Get into the groove!

Will you dance with me, madam?

Madison, hey.

Oh, um, yeah, we...
The girls, we had a makeover.

Don't really know
what I'm doing here.

Oh.

But if I have to sit through

one more f*cking middle-aged
living death conversation

about negative gearing or
renovations or the f*cking P&C,

I am legit going to top myself

and save the planet
some resources.

OK.

Could you just say something
like that weird sh*t

you were going on about
at Talia's party?

What, you mean about how
the next epoch in religion

will see humanity
redress the balance

of 2,000 years of male-coded
totalitarian monotheism?

Yeah, what the f*ck
is all that about?

It really makes me, um...

...curious.

Well, yeah, yeah, cool.

Um, yeah.

I've got some books
you could borrow,

or happy to talk about it
any time.

Cool.

And just to be clear,
you're celibate

to, like, conserve your chi
or something?

Yeah, but it was mostly, um...

I'm a white, mostly straight
cis male, right?

And the sexuality
I've culturally inherited

is, um, really exploitative,

like a kind of
conquest-colonialist mentality.

And I don't want to do that.

So I sort of figured...
pause, reset,

maybe I could find
a different way.

A different way to f*ck?

Kind of, yeah.

Huh.

And you're still celibate now,
or...

You want me to fix that?

I do.

The idea of yin and yang
is fundamentally different

to the idea of good and evil.

It's more tangible
and more pagan.

- Yes!
- Night and day are equal cycles.

- Um...
- Yeah.

Yeah!

Yeah, read, read, read!

"Vague. Elusive.
Yet within is an image."

Yeah.

"Yet within is spirit."

"A spirit so vital
that she's her own proof."

Shh!

- No matter what the body...
- Yeah.

Wait, not yet, not yet.

Keep going.

- Keep talking. Keep talking.
- Are you sure this is OK?

OK, Gracie, let's go.

Yes!

Yes! Yes!