01x15 - Big Freeze

[bunniefuu]

- [heavy breathing]

- [grunts]

[screams]
- [screams]

[grunts]

- As battle waged on
into the night,

the valiant children of PS 38
were simply no match

for the Jefferson Knights.

- [screams]
- [screaming]

- They were smaller.

- [slow-motion] Oh!

- [screaming]

- They were weaker.

- Oh!

- But while their
fierce determination

may have been inspiring...

[both grunt]

PS 38 never stood a chance.

♪ ♪

- [growling]
- [screaming]

[mic feedback]

all: Ow.

- Good morning, kiddos.

As many of you know, it's
an exciting week here at PS 38.

- Whoo-hoo-hoo, yeah!
We did it!

[raspy blowing]

- We didn't do anything yet,
Chad.

Pump the brakes, son.
- Okay.

I'll just put
my trumpet away then.

- Not a trumpet.
Just please sit down, Chad!

[clears throat]
This week, PS 38,

led by Captain Nate Wright,

will compete
against Jefferson Middle

in the annual Big Freeze
snow sculpture contest,

and once again,
the winner will be awarded...

[slow-motion]
a brand new snack machine.

- ♪ Beardy Yum Yums,
Beardy Yum Yums ♪

♪ Beardy Yum Yums ♪

Snack machine.

We gotta win that contest.

Jefferson is already
up to their earlobes

in state-of-the-art
snack machines.

[elevator music]

♪ ♪

- Sweet.

♪ ♪

- Us?
We've got Old Hank.

- Oh man,
I got loose seaweed again!

- If we're gonna pull this off,

we need
a leader delusional enough

to think we can beat Jefferson.

- [chuckles]
He means me.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ Don't want to go
to school today ♪

♪ The sun is red hot
and I wanna play ♪

♪ But if I get caught
they'll make me pay ♪

♪ Detention again ♪

- ♪ Big Nate, Big Nate ♪

- ♪ Math and social studies
just ain't my thing ♪

- ♪ Big Nate, Big Nate ♪

- ♪ Rocking with my band
is where I'm king ♪

♪ Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test ♪

- ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Big Nate ♪

[loud clang]

[loud crash]

[Europe's "The Final
Countdown" plays]

[cheering]

- And now, introducing
Jefferson's sculpture brigade's

team captain,
who needs no introduction,

my boyfriend, Nolan Vaughn!

[cheering]

- Oh! Ah! Oh!

What up, Jefferson?

[cheering]

All right,
thanks for the intro, Dina.

- [giggles]

- So, you all know
we win this thing every year.

And as your new sixth-grade
captain, I pledge allegiance

to myself that I will fight
pretty much to the death

to make sure
we win again this year.

[cheering]
- Marry me, Nolan!

- Ha, sorry, pal.
I'm taken.

But I can do you one better.

As Jefferson's
very own artistic prodigy,

I promise to bring home
our 16th consecutive

snack machine!

[cheering]

- [screams]

- Winner gets
a new snack machine.

Pretty sweet, eh, amigo?

- Nate's practically been
dreaming of this opportunity

his entire life.

- [sighs] It's finally time

to say farewell to Old Hank.

- Hmm?

[whimpers]

[screams]

- Oh, I can almost taste

those tasty, non-expired
snacks already!

[all scream]
- Hopefully, the new machine

will have better stuff in it,
like Glucklich Rentier Knochel!

Caramel on the outside,

reindeer knuckles
on the inside.

- Mmm.

- May cause constipation,
diarrhea, dry mouth,

and, in extreme cases,
cornea expl*si*n.

- They're pretty popular.

- Anyway...

It's gonna feel pretty good

to be able to bring this school
what it so desperately needs--

nay, what it deserves!

No offense, Hank.

- [hoarse hissing]

- Hey, don't worry, guys.

You're in good hands.

Whoever we're up against
pales in comparison

to the slayer of knights,
causer of gingivitis,

bringer of joy and cavities,

king of the snacks--

- [yells] Nate Wright?

He's the captain
of their Big Freeze team?

- Who cares?
Do you even know this boy?

- Uh, hello?
- He's my artistic rival,

my archnemesis!

- Nolan Vaughn?
Why him?

- [groans] I cannot believe
we're competing

against the buttiest butt brain
of all butt brains!

- Who is this Nolan kid anyway?

- Uh, hello?
He's my artistic rival,

my archnemesis.
[yells]

both: Ooh, how I hate him.

[somber violin plays]

- Back in kindergarten,
Nate and I were best buds.

We did everything together.

But he always
had to be better than me.

He had to build
a better sand castle.

He had to score
the winning goal.

- Hey, look over there!
- Ow!

But one day,
he just up and decided

he didn't wanna be friends
with me anymore.

Guess he just couldn't stand
the thought of someone

who was just as talented
as he was.

It was too much
for his fragile little ego.

After that, my family
moved to a new neighborhood.

Our friendship was over!
[both laugh]

He's dead to me now!

- Back in kindergarten,
Nolan and I were best buds.

But he took credit
for everything I did.

I'd build a sand castle,
and he'd take the credit.

In sports, he did
whatever it took to beat me,

even when we
were on the same team.

And worst of all,
he stole all my cartoon ideas

and made it look like
Iwas copying him!

I decided then and there
to do the unthinkable.

I told the teacher.
[all gasp]

- Blasphemy!
- His parents were all,

"Ooh, our precious Nolan
would never cheat."

They thought
I was a bad influence,

so they pulled him
out of school.

Ever since then, we've been
archnemesiseseseses--

well, you get the point.

both: Now's my chance
to finally prove

I'm better than him.

He will be defeated,
and I will make sure

he and his slimy,
arrogant friends

never get their hands
on that snack machine ever!

- All right, Team Awesome!

I thought these getups
might help with team spirit.

Ooh,
I love teamwork and spirit

and tie-dye--
somebody pinch me!

- Pinch, pinch, pinch...
- No touchy!

- Uh, are these nightgowns?

- Nightgown man,
I'm nightgown man,

I'm nightgown man!
- I used my dad's shirts.

- [screams]
- He's a large man.

- Yeah, okay.
Thanks, Dee Dee.

- Says here in
the Big Freeze handbook,

"The only rule is to work
together as a team

to build a snow sculpture
entirely out of snow."

Ha, seems simply enough.

- Hey, um,
could I see that for a second?

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[eagle burps]
- [groans] My sternum!

Can somebody help me, please?

- Ah, rules are for
contractors and debutantes.

Fortunately, I came prepared.
I call this

"Nate's Awesome Book of
Genius Snow Sculpture Ideas."

Feast your eyeholes on this:

a dragon that breathes fire,

or a flying horse
that breathes fire,

or a llama...

that, obviously,
breathes fire.

[llama baas]

- You really got a thing
for fire-breathing animals,

don't you?
- It's a passion.

The point is, somewhere in this
book is PS 38's winning idea,

and this face
is gonna look great

squashing Nolan
on live TV.

- Nate, don't pose like that.
You have weird knees.

- What?
Naw, I don't have weird knees.

- It's no big deal.
It's your thing!

- Chad, back me up here.
Do I have weird knees?

- Um, yes, no.
Carry the four.

[screams]

[sneezing]
- I'm just gonna assume

that isn't asbestos.
- I'll take that bet!

- All right, guys--
back to the task at hand.

What if we go old-school
with our sculpture,

like the original PS 38 mascot
from the 1930s?

- Field Marshall Potato?

- Flarbity boo!
[farts]

Flar.
- A potato?

Yeah,
I might have to veto that one.

- What if we supercharge
the potato and give him a cape?

- Oh, ah!
- Okay, let me explain

what "veto" means.
- Ooh, ooh, now we're talking!

Ooh, maybe some
dinosaur spikes too?

I mean, if we're gonna go
with imaginary animals.

- Uh, you do know
dinosaurs were real.

- [laughs]
- [laughs]

- Right,
and next you're gonna tell me

that the Earth is round.
[laughing]

Oh, good one, bro.

- [screams]

We'll rename her
the PS 38 Super Potatosaur!

[monster voice] Potatosaur!

all: Potato rawr!

[all make animal sounds]

- Guys, potatoes don't win
snack machines

or make any sounds!
Need I remind you

we're up
against Nolan Vaughn here?

The guy's a scuzzball,
but he's got moxie!

You know he's working
on something right now!

- Flarbity boo!

- [grunts]

- Babe, I promise
I'll plan something amazing

for our three-week anniversary.
But this is a big deal!

I've always been
a better artist than Nate,

and now's my chance
to prove it!

- Nolan, you haven't stopped
talking about Nate Wright

in days.
- Ah, psh.

I talk--
I talk about other stuff--

all the time, actually.

[rock music]

Nate Wright's such a loser,
right?

What'cha guys talkin' about?
Let me guess:

ways to beat Nate Wright?

What is...Nate Wright?

Sure, okay, okay.
I see a pattern--

a pattern
of determination by me

to see Nate Wright
go down in flames.

- Hey Nolan.
Look at me.

I came as fast as I could, huh?

Word on the street
is that Nate Wright

is cookin' up
something incredible at PS 38.

[slurps]

- Not if I can help it!

- [grunts]

- Snowman wipe.

- Ooh, great first day, team.

Tell your parents
I'm sorry I kept you.

[spy music]

♪ ♪

[rooster crows]

[tires squeal]
- [grunts]

- And back to work we--

go...
- [screams]

Nate, how are we
supposed to win with that?

- Principal Nichols,
that is not the snow sculpture

we started.
I, uh--

- I need you all
to get serious!

I'm counting on that raise

to get a couple
of bill collectors off my back,

and of course a new
snack machine for you kiddos.

What happened here?

- Nolan happened.
He always had a weird thing

for fingers.
We can't let him win.

We must rebuild...

[all sigh]

I think you're gonna be excited

about this one,
Principal Nichols.

The word "masterpiece"
comes to mind.

Masterpiece?
[laughs]

I'm so excited!
- [laughs]

- Okay!
And... look!

[all scream]

- Nolan!

- Sweet baby back ribs!
We're gonna lose,

and at this rate,
I'll be fired!

[somber music]

- Attention!
Soldiers, if we're going to win

this thing,
we have to be strong,

ruthless, cold as ice!
[all chattering]

Look, I get it, guys.

But we can't just go home,
or sleep,

or pay attention
to personal hygiene.

We have to beat Nolan!

All right, now, come on.
Come on.

Look at me.
Watch, watch.

Look at my speed.
Look at my form.

You see my form?
You see how I'm doing this?

It's all in the wrist.

And...there we go.
Ha, see?

[coughing]
[screams]

- W-w-what was that noise?

Sweet pepperoni mustache,
what is that?

Ugh, okay.
So over the course

of this entire week,

under the excellent leadership
of Nate Wright,

Team Awesome has made
zero progress?

[cell phone rings]
Hello?

Wha--no!
You cannot repossess

my memory foam toilet seat!
I forbid it!

[cries]
- Uh...

[stammers]
Don't worry!

I got another idea.
- Nate.

We don't wanna do this anymore.

This rivalry between you
and Nolan--it's too much!

- Yeah, we haven't seen
our parents in days!

all: We quit.

- And so does Chad.

- Ah, fine.
I'll do it myself.

[groans]
Some friends I have.

I'm the only one who--

- I remember your place being
a teardown, but still, yeesh!

[dog barks]

- [groans]
What do you want, Nolan?

- Wanna get in the car?
I've got the heat going.

- Yeah, it's gonna be
a "no" from me, dog.

My dad always taught me that

not having heat
builds character.

- I've always liked you, Nate.

You and me--we're cut
from the same sandwich.

- No, we're not,
because your sandwich

is clearly made from butt.
It's a butt sandwich.

- Sure you don't wanna come in?
I've got a snack machine.

- In the car?
I mean, come on, man--

wait, really?

[Backstreet Boys' "I'll
Never Break Your Heart" plays]

- ♪ The first day that I saw ♪

- Beardy Yum Yum?

Have you ever wondered
what it would feel like

to be a part
of a winning school?

- Pfft, yeah.
But I'm gonna find out

soon enough, after I clobber
you and your Jefferson lackies.

[hollers like a whale]

If it's unclear,
those are whale noises.

- I find everything
you're doing very triggering.

[exhales] But...

I didn't come here to argue.

I came here
to make a confession.

You're better than I am, Nate.

- Oh, yeah?
Well, you're--wait.

What?
- I'm serious.

I'm the only one who truly
appreciates your talents.

You know, I cheated off you
when we were kids.

- Yeah, that's not exactly
a news flash, dude.

You were a total weasel.

- Well, I'm sorry, and
I'm also sorry I lied to you

about the Moon
being made out of queso.

- You're a little late
with the apology.

I dreamed of dipping my chips
in zero gravity!

- See?
Right there!

That's the Nate Wright
I remember.

Come on, let's win this thing
together!

I miss you, man!

[moans]
Oh, yeah.

That's the stuff.

Listen, it's time
we let bygones be bygones.

We could both be winners.

You'll be treated
with respect and dignity,

praised
for your artistic genius.

Don't you want that?
- Okay, okay.

Let's say I did decide
to come to Jefferson.

How would I get in?

[spy music]

♪ ♪

Hmm.

- Nate Wright,
a Jefferson Knight.

- Think we'll ever see him
again?

- Nah,
kids never see each other

after transferring schools.

Parents say we will, but...
[scoffs] it's all lies.

- [cries]
Nate, don't leave me with them!

- I can't believe it.

Best friends
since kindergarten.

- Francis, you're the captain
of Team Awesome now.

- You're captain now?

That means
we can do Super Potatosaur!

[school bell rings]

- So head on in here,

and we'll get you hooked up
with a retinal scan

for snack machine access.

- Did you say "retinal scan?"
- Yeah, of course.

How do you guys access your
snack machines at PS 30-lame?

- [grunting]

[screams]

- [burps]

- Brigade meets in an hour
at the soccer field

to get our build on.
Wow, look at us,

reunited at last.

- So your solution
to ending this

was bringing Nate
even more into your life?

- Dina... Deen!

My little Deengleberry,
don't you see?

Now that Nate
goes to Jefferson,

he's no longer a threat.
I've already won!

Best part is, Nate has no idea.

But he will soon...

[ominous music]

- Hello?
Hello?

Huh, according to the map,
the field should be right here.

[spy music]

What?
They're just laying around.

Wait a minute.
This isn't the soccer field!

[screams]

That slimy malt-worm
is icing me out,

literally and metaphorically!

[rock music]

[both grunt]
[horn blares]

- Yeah!
Up top, guys!

Whoa!

Wha-wh-whoa!

- Well played, Nolan.

The places I had to pry
those frozen leeches from

I will never speak of again.

- I don't know what you're
talking about, Nate.

We missed you
at sculpture-building hour.

- Oh, shut your whale hole,
Nolan!

You recruited me to Jefferson
so you'd have no competition.

But guess what.
You still have to design

and build an original snow
sculpture, which we all know

you're not creative enough
to do.

So, ha!
- Oh, you poor thing.

We aren't gonna build
a sculpture.

- Uh, what do you mean?

- Eh, I guess it doesn't matter
if you know at this point.

[whispers indistinctly]

- Seriously?
- Pretty genius, right?

Judges will never
figure it out.

Anybody craving
Beardy Yum Yums?

- [growls]

- Well, it's the day we've all
been waiting for, folks:

the Big Freeze.

Hello, I'm Wink Summers,
former chief meteorologist

for "Channel 12 Action News,"

pretending not to be devastated
by my recent demotion

to covering human interest
stories like this one.

Kick it to the curb, youngster.

- Make way for PS 38!

- [scatting]

- Remember, kids,
smile through the tears.

Smile through the tears.
Happy faces.

Judges love happy.
Happy, happy, happy.

- Introducing
Jefferson Middle!

- Wow.
all: Whoa.

- Everyone, shush!

Jefferson Middle will now
reveal our amazing sculpture.

Presenting
the Jefferson Knight!

[glorious music]

[all gasp]

[cheers]

[all gasp]

♪ ♪

- A near-perfect score
for Jefferson.

Gonna be tough to beat.

- Okay, guys.
We did our best,

which probably
was woefully insufficient.

But if we go down, which--
let's be honest with ourselves,

we probably will--
we go down as a team!

- Dude, worst pep talk ever.
- What are we?

all: Team Awesome!

[all scream]

- It looks like a squashed ham.
- A circle cheese, I think.

- It's a basketball!
Right?

Is it? It is.
[chuckles nervously]

[baby cries]

- Super Potatosaur.

You are uglier
than I ever imagined.

- The judges are
indiscernibly deliberating,

but we have a pretty good idea
of the winner here.

[horn blares]
- Jefferson wins!

PS 38 loses!
I win!

New snack machine!
Booyah!

[cheering]

- Hold on.
It appears that PS 38

is lining up
in some kind of formation.

- Potato rawr!
Potato rawr!

Now!

[rock music]

- Ah, a snowball ambush!
[screams]

- Zeff, the knight--
get the knight!

Come on, man!

- [slow-motion] No!

[all gasp in slow-motion]

- I know what you're thinkin'.

What in pearl's mother
is happening?

Please enjoy
this expositional flashback.

It should clear
some things up a bit.

[somber music]

- Hey, guys.

- Nate,
what are you doing here?

- [sighs]
I messed up really bad.

I shouldn't have let beating
Nolan become more important

than my best friends,
and hey, I'm really sorry.

- Thanks, Nate,
That means a lot.

We know how much
you hate apologizing.

- It's true.
I do.

- You comin' back, Nate?
- I am, Chad.

But I need
all of your help first.

all: Mm-hmm.

- Someone's got a plan.

[all screaming]

- It's the statue from outside
of Jefferson Middle School!

They cheated!

- The hashtag #JeffersonHoax

is unfolding right before
our very eyes!

Jefferson cheated!
They cheated,

they cheated, they cheated!
I'm a real reporter!

[all jeering]

- The champion
of this year's Big Freeze is...

PS 38!

[all cheering]

- [chuckles] You did it, kids!

[cheering]

- Nate!
[screams]

- My mom was right.
Men never change.

Bye-bye, Nolan.

I'm taking
my eight-foot wingspan

and my awe-inspiring
basketball skills

to a school
where I'll be appreciated:

PS 38.

- You know what to do.

[spy music]

♪ ♪

- Whoa, watch out, guys.

Looks like Nolan
had a backup plan!

- Let me at 'em!
Let me at 'em!

- Charge!

[yelling]

- And so, what began as
a friendly competition

escalated into something
far greater.

- [whimpering]

[panting]
[slow-motion] Oh!

- Oh!

- And while our heroes
were weaker, smaller,

and, let's face it,
kind of pathetic...

- [yelling]

- They had far better
senses of humor

than those entitled
little brats at Jefferson.

- [laughing]

- And certainly more heart.

- That was awesome!
- Nate!

You ruined everything!

[rock music]

[groans]

[both scream]

- Let's go get 'em!

all: Potato rawr!

[rock music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪