01x04 - Flirting

[bunniefuu]

It's only fair; I don't pay for dinner

if her face don't look like her picture.

I cannot believe you are this

cheap when your profile says

you're the "outspoken owner

of the Dallas Mavericks."

A picture's worth a thousand words,

and she lied a thousand times.

- You did that.

- You did that.

Hey, Mika, who's this?

Guys, this is Derek.

He manages Midas

the Weightlifting Toddler.

Do you guys know each other,

or did you just bond

over how swole that little toddler is?

I mean, can I even talk about

a four-year-old's body like that?

Yeah, don't worry,

his parents will sign anything.

Hollywood.

So Derek and I used to be engaged.

Oh, you're Derek from college.

Uh, nope, that was Keith.

So a second engagement.

- Mm-hmm.

- Cool.

Or not cool because it didn't work out.

No, it's all good.

- We're still friends.

- Yeah.

With benefits.

We're still on the same

health insurance.

Red tape nightmare, but

Oh, excuse me, guys.

Ah, this is my girlfriend.

I gotta take this call.

Hey, love bug. Hi.

Ohh

- Mika.

- Mm-hmm?

You've been engaged twice

and you didn't tell me?

Uh, no,

actually, I've been engaged five times

and forgot to mention

all but one of them.

Well, two were to the same guy,

so technically,

I only didn't mention three fiancés.

- Five engagements?

- Damn.

- Five?

- Five.

You know that's enough

Jacksons to form a band, right?

And enough Maroons.

Okay, see, this reaction

is exactly why I never said anything.

I feel the judgement, and you know what?

I will not apologize

for jumping into love with two feet.

It's not the amount of feet

as much as the amount

of jumps, there, Frogger.

Look, congratulations, okay?

You were lucky.

You met your wife at 19.

But most people have a bunch

more relationships

before they get married.

And after, and sometimes during.

Yeah. I mean, even you.

You'll probably date again, right?

Eventually.

Wait, how did this become

about me dating?

No, no, no, let's move it along.

Oh, come on, Kenan, you can't tell me

you haven't even started

to think about dating again.

It's been over a year.

I don't know.

I mean, when I got married,

I figured I was done dating

for like, forever, and then she

and then for a while,

it basically felt like

a wrap on like the lower half

of my body, so I

I gotta go see a man about a horse.

Yep. You it's actually

they're the guests for tomorrow

so I'm gonna go call them

and make sure

Yep.

All right, little fillies,

who's ready for

their first ever mani-pedi?

I am.

Yeah, I need a professional,

because when I let Birdie do it,

she paints my whole toe.

Hey!

Do you know that I took your mom

for her very first spa day?

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

- That's so cool.

- Hi. How can I help you?

Give my little angels the works.

What about for you, sir?

Oh, no, thanks. Just for them.

Papa Rick, you do know mani-pedis

are for men now, too, right?

Well, heck yeah, I know that.

It's just that, uh, this used

to be me and your mom's thing,

and I haven't had them done since.

Come on, it'll be more fun

with all of us.

- Yeah.

- I don't know.

My hands and feet

are probably a mess by now.

Plant those pants.

Yes, ma'am.

But really, it's been a while.

Don't be too judgmental.

Oh, please, I'm sure I've seen worse.

Oh, my God, they're beautiful.

Oh, thank you. Ha!

I am so sorry I ever made fun

of your nighttime lotion gloves.

All right, don't look at my feet.

There could be barnacles on 'em.

They're stunning.

- Really?

- Stunning.

They look new.

Do you even walk on those things?

Thanks, Birdie.

This means a lot.

Watch your head, watch your head.

- Bow! Got you.

- Nice k*ll.

I'm a beast, boy.

So, uh, Mika, huh?

She's crazy. Engaged five times.

But, um

You think there's, like,

more than one person out there

for people, or whatever?

Oh, for sure, man.

I fell in love six times today.

Right. So, uh

you think there's a world

where I could, um

Spit it out, fam.

Maybe she's right. Maybe Mika's right.

Like, maybe I should start

thinking about dating again.

- There, I said it.

- Oh, my God.

I've been waiting for this day.

The Smash Brothers are back.

No, man, I'm not talking about smashing,

and I would not phrase it

that way if I was.

I'm just saying,

Mika got me thinking that

maybe it is time that I

start thinking it's okay

to perhaps pursue

a person out there

in the world, casually.

Man, that sentence has so many circles,

I'm dizzy sitting down.

'Cause this is hard, man.

I mean, even saying this stuff out loud

has got me feeling guilty.

Guilty about what?

Oh, hey. Uh, nothing, you know.

Just loving this game so much.

I mean, what am I, low-key psycho?

It's always the ones you least expect.

Look, Daddy, we got our claws did.

Well, talk about cute-icals.

- Thanks for taking them, Rick.

- Ah, we had a blast.

I forgot how much I love being pampered.

Daddy, can we watch another episode

of your old show before dinner?

- Please, please, please, please?

- Please?

- Whatever keeps you busy.

- Yes.

Okay. Come on.

Are you sure it's okay for them to watch

all those episodes of Cori's old sitcom?

Yeah. Helps keep her memory alive.

Look, I mean, I used to think that

sweeping everything up

under the rug was better,

like you, but

honestly, normalizing grief is better.

It's what all the parenting books say.

Well, when I was growing up,

we didn't have any parenting books.

We just watched our dads,

did what they did.

When my dad got sad,

he'd drink and swear and then

disappear for three days.

- That's disturbing.

- Mm-hmm.

Or is it the coolest thing

you ever heard?

Okay, I'm gonna go lotion up.

Man, that was close.

Rick will have a meltdown if he

hears me talking about dating.

Oh, God. The girls will melt down too.

I mean, what if things get serious?

What would that conversation be like?

I mean, what are they gonna call her?

Would Rick be invited to the wedding?

Would Cori haunt the honeymoon?

Okay, hold on, now.

Calm down, man. Look, baby steps.

Just because your one date with Cori

led to ten years of marriage

and two kids

doesn't mean they all do, all right?

Look, I know it's tricky, man,

but we gonna get through it together,

you and me, because we are

I am not calling us the Smash Brothers.

But you should, though, man.

You really should.

But say I was ready to start dating.

How would I even do that?

I mean, it's not like I can

just go popping off on the apps.

I'm way too famous ly widowed.

- Ooh, nice save.

- Yeah.

I heard it when it was coming out.

- Mm-hmm.

- But honestly, I think

people are just gonna drag me anyway

for dating too soon.

Well, slow it down even more than that.

Just flirt, all right?

- Smart. Get my sea legs back.

- Right.

Man, I've been married so long,

I don't even know

what flirting looks like.

Usually a eggplant or a peach,

but, again, baby steps.

Don't be a stranger, now.

Hello.

Right.

Blam! Check out ya boy.

Out there flirtin' like a muv.

Stella got her groove back.

Are you Stella?

Hell yeah, trick. I'm hella Stella.

You better mean Stella from "Streetcar,"

who stayed committed

to her husband forever,

despite unspeakable abuse.

Hey, Rick.

I'm sorry, I didn't see you

sitting over there

doing whatever it is

what are you, the Blue Lantern?

It's a face mask. For swelling.

Cool.

Why you ain't tell me he was here?

Because he needs to hear this, man.

Come on, man. You know.

We do everything together.

- You know I got you.

- That's right.

All right. So Rick

Kenan got something to tell you.

- Really, bro?

- Mm-hmm. Yeah, go ahead.

Okay, uh, look.

All due respect, Rick,

but I've been thinking

maybe it's time for me to start thinking

about maybe thinking about dating again.

No one can take Cori's place.

Well, yeah, I'm not trying to.

You know, I was just thinking that,

you know, it might be nice

to have a cup of coffee or

something with somebody

or maybe go on a tandem bicycle ride.

I obviously forgot how to date.

Kenan, look,

with all due respect to you,

which is none, because you wear

sweatpants out of the house,

there's a clear-cut system in place

for when a man can date

after his marriage ends.

So if you leave your wife,

you have to wait eight months

before you can date

so it doesn't look like

you were cheating.

If she leaves you, it's four months.

It's half that if she leaves

on a holiday.

Now, if she dies,

you're looking at the length

of the marriage times two,

and if it's my daughter,

you're looking at never.

Look, Rick, I know this is hard for you,

and, believe me, it's hard on me,

but I've been going

back and forth in my mind,

and I genuinely believe

if Cori could talk to us,

she would say that she wants me

to move on and be happy.

Really?

Cori.

What do you think?

Huh. Mighty quiet.

Case closed.

Now, I'm gonna go pour myself a scotch

the size of an Amish barn.

So new girlfriend, huh? Tea, please.

- Oh, she's great.

- Ah.

And, honestly, after we broke up,

I didn't think I'd find

someone as good as you.

Aw. Me neither.

Didn't your first rebound leave you

for that homeless guy who got famous

for having a "golden voice"?

- Oh, Paula.

- Yeah.

But Lisa's different.

I mean, she does triathlons,

charity work.

- She was Miss Spelman.

- Oh.

She's a veteran,

and she does these really

funny skits on Instagram.

Fonzworth Bentley follows her.

Wow, wow. Okay, yeah, yeah.

Puffy's old umbrella guy.

Kanye's new choir guy.

She must be hilarious.

Did I mention she taught

herself how to sing?

- Mm.

- In sign language.

Okay, well, we should

have her on the show.

- Really?

- Mm.

She's been looking for a way

to promote her business.

You know, she teaches

female empowerment through

Well, save something

for the segment, bro.

- Right?

- Oh, all right.

Hey, Dad.

Dad?

- We need to talk.

- Cori?

Now.

Look, Dad, I love you,

but you're acting crazy.

You don't know

what you're talking about.

You can't just come into our house

and put your feet on the table.

- Oh, I'll take a soda.

- And some popcorn.

What do I look like, a waiter?

Am I wearing a vest and rattling on

about my third failed podcast?

Didn't you try to start a podcast?

- Too many wires.

- Papa Rick,

- we're trying to watch TV.

- It's a nice table.

- Okay.

- I paid good money for it.

Dad, you can't treat

our furniture like this.

- So that's a no on the snacks?

- Shh.

Really, I'm really sorry.

Yo, yo, K-man.

I found the perfect girl

for you to ask out, yo.

Her name is Lisa.

She's your guest today.

She's a PhD.

Ooh, she has her own business.

You know that karate pilates thing

that's been popping up everywhere?

And she's a legit w*r hero.

God, what is wrong with you, man?

Why are you pressing me so hard on this?

'Cause I am worried about you, man,

and I think dating

would get you back to yourself

so you could be happy again,

which is all I want!

All right, well,

that's very sweet of you.

Well, you're my brother, and I love you.

- Damn, bruh.

- I love you too.

- All right.

- You know?

I'm sorry that I'm so

all over the place.

I'm just dealing with a real

c*ck of emotions over here.

It's whatever, man.

You know I'm just in it for your runoff.

All right, now come on, man.

You gotta rip the Band-Aid off sometime.

I know, and that first Band-Aid

- is so important

- Uh huh.

Which is why I gotta

be the one to pick the first

- Mm-hmm.

- Impression.

Intrigued.

Yeah, did I mention

she's a former Miss Spelman?

Yeah, well, you know,

looks isn't everything.

- I mean

- Right.

She's got the karate pilates

thing going,

and, well, you know how I like

to support the troops, so

- You do.

- She checking a lot of boxes.

- Mm-hmm.

- Who?

Who checks a lot of boxes? Derek?

Why the hell would we

be talking about Derek?

Uh, I don't know.

'Cause he has a lot of great qualities?

Anyway, um, here are

the note cards about Lisa.

There's a lot, 'cause apparently

- she's got a lot going on.

- Yeah, she does.

That's why Kenan's

gonna ask her out later.

Oh, you don't want to ask Lisa out.

Why not? She's literally perfect.

Okay, you know what?

I don't see it. What?

What does she have that I don't?

Uh, I don't know why

we're comparing her to you

- but let's go down the list.

- Yes.

- Two advanced degrees.

- Mm.

- A fan letter from Pope Francis.

- Dang.

Oh, and it looks like

she invented the meme

"sliding into the weekend like"

Okay, did you become

her publicist overnight?

I mean, 'cause

Um, is Mika jealous of Lisa?

Uh, no.

I don't get jealous.

Oh, you know what?

There is something that

you have that she doesn't.

Thank you.

Five ex-fiancés.

Ya runaway bride!

What did the five guys say to Mika?

- What'd they say?

- "Bye."

Bye, bye, bye, bye.

You know what?

Um my bad.

I mean, Lisa is perfect, and

she told me she's a big fan

and single.

So go get her, champ.

Hello. I'm Kenan.

As in "Wake Up With."

Nope, I'm so sorry. I'm really nervous.

Well, don't be.

I'm just like everybody else.

I mean to be on the show.

Right.

Cool.

Well, you know, one thing

that helps me relax

uh, a drink.

You drink before the show?

No, I was saying maybe

- after the show

- Oh.

- You and I could get a drink?

- I'm sorry.

I have a boyfriend.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

You know, this is the reason

why I started my company,

because of men like you.

I-I'm sorry.

N-no, I'm a nice man.

Oof

Yeah, it's never good when you

have to yell that at somebody.

I'm a nice man.

Ooh, it's worse when you whisper it.

Look, Lisa, I'm sorry.

In my defense,

my producer told me that you

were into me for some reason.

Oh, what is he, your pimp?

Oh, no, no, it's a it's a she.

I mean, I thought

that you was flirting, too,

because you laughed really hard

at something I said

that wasn't even that funny.

I know it wasn't funny.

I was just nervous,

but I guess you're

the kind of man in power

who thinks everybody

wants to sleep with him.

- No.

- Hey.

Oh, hi.

- Hey.

- What?

- This is your boyfriend?

- Hey, good seeing you again, bro.

What are you up to, Mika?

Why would you let Kenan ask her out

when you knew she was with Derek?

Oh, I don't know.

I must have been

too consumed with jealousy

to think straight.

Oh, you are a very mean woman.

No, I'm a very nice woman, Gary,

who can only be pushed so far,

and you gonna get yours too.

Don't sleep.

- Don't sleep?

- We're live in five.

Look, this has just been

a huge misunderstanding.

- Four.

- See, I wasn't even sure

if I should start dating

after my wife died.

I didn't k*ll her, by the way,

just to make that clear.

- Excuse me?

- Two.

Not according to one of my podcasts.

- Wow.

- One.

- Oh, God, no.

- Welcome back.

We are joined by Lisa Lawrence,

who's quite the jill-of-all-trades.

And also a very kind

and forgiving person, I hear.

Wonderful.

Now, Lisa, I understand

you are an entrepreneur.

She's a lot more than that.

She invented an exercise

called karate pilates.

Well, that's just the sexist name

that men call it.

I actually teach women a form of defense

called self-offense.

- Yas, queen.

- Sounds kind of violent.

I hope so.

Mama needs some exercise other than

wrestling my kids into church clothes.

Now, Lisa, I hear you

are gonna use this dummy

for our demonstration.

Yeah, I'm not sure

we got time for oh.

Oh, come on. Who wants to see this?

According to your website,

self-offense is when you teach

a woman to strike first.

Ow! Ow!

Sounds like someone's

smashing a pumpkin.

Ow!

Call "cut," woman. Damn.

- Cut!

- Stop it!

Ow

Look, growing up is hard.

We wanna hold onto the past,

but we can't.

Now, Mr. Bear was very lucky

to be loved by you for so long

But it's time for him

to move on to another kid.

Hey.

- Can I at least have visitations?

- Shh.

I mean, like every other weekend?

- Two weeks in the summer?

- Oh, brother.

Papa Rick, have you been

watching Mom and Dad's show

all night?

Mm-hmm.

Are you okay?

Well

I just don't get it.

Your mom tells Kenan

he's gotta give away his favorite bear,

that the bear will be happy

with another kid.

That's so savage.

Why?

So little Kenan can move on

and the bear can be happy

with a different kid,

just a different happy.

And

he loves his bear.

I think he would be happy

if he was happy.

Oh.

Oh, I get it, yeah.

Kind of like yesterday,

I wasn't doing the spa thing

'cause that was the thing

I did with your mom,

but now it's our thing, and I love it.

It's different, but it's still great,

and your mom would want us to be happy.

She'd be happy.

Dang, that's a good-a*s show.

Oh, speaking of spa stuff,

can I get a little help here?

Ah!

I have a new pet.

So

I'm sorry you got beat up.

I wouldn't say I got beat up.

Well, it sounds better than "owned,"

and I shouldn't have said that

Lisa was single and into you.

It's just

those runaway bride jokes hit a nerve.

I mean, I am the common denominator

in all those failed engagements.

I thought you didn't regret them.

Well, yeah, I didn't think I did,

but seeing Derek dating

someone better than me

made me jealous.

What?

You wanna say "I told you so."

No, no.

No.

I'm smiling because it's nice

to see you let your little guard down.

Please, it was like

it was barely down.

Admit you're getting soft.

I've seen that "Unlikely Animal Friends"

calendar in your office.

Okay, well, at least

I'm not the one who cries

every time that commercial comes on

for Black girls learning to code.

I cried one time.

- Every time I seen it.

- Every time.

- Mm-hmm.

- Now, come on.

You really think Derek's dating

somebody better than you?

Nah, I'm dope as hell.

Exactly.

Hey, I'm proud of you

for finally asking someone out.

Yeah.

- I ripped that Band-Aid clean off.

- Mm-hmm.

With a little skin.

- Yeah.

- But honestly,

I'm actually starting to think,

I don't know,

there might be somebody else

out there for me.

I mean, to, like, smash or whatever.

- You know, like

- Yeah, yeah.

No no need to run into anything

serious right out the gate.

Just focus on the s-smashing

- Yeah.

- Adult women.

- To smashing, yeah.

- Kay.

Look, my bad.

Yo, I promise not

to push you into anything

before you're ready, all right?

I know you're just trying to look out,

and, honestly, I got that personality

I need a little push sometimes.

Yes, you do, man.

You remember when we were kids

and you would be on the swing

just sitting there?

Not moving or nothing,

like a little freak.

I didn't really understand the concept.

- It was easy.

- Hello, G-man.

- Hey.

- Sup, man?

I don't know if I've ever

said this to a man before,

but you are radiant.

You know, it's funny.

Sometimes when you clean up

the outsides,

it helps clean up the insides too.

Man, you smell like

somebody I'd holla at.

Thank you.

Kenan,

Cori talked to me today

And you were right.

She said it's time for you to move on

and be with another kid, and I agree,

so I'm giving you my blessing, Mr. Bear.

You know you're not supposed

to smoke the bath salt, right?

I'm telling you you can date,

but casually.

Hmm.

Still confused, but I'll take it.

What happened to you?

Oh, the first girl that Kenan asked out

beat him up on TV.

That just means she likes you.

Ah, not in the way she was punching him.

- Lot of hate in that punch.

- All right.

- You can let that go.

- Okay.

- Thank you.

- I'm just saying. You know.

Now that you are "officially out there,"

who's next?

Do you have some lucky lady in mind?

Hmm?

You know what?

Yeah.

I do.

Actually, I have two.

- Can I have one French fry?

- No, 'cause you got a salad.

You got a salad. Salad boy.

- I might have one French fry.

- No, that's called cheating.

- Oh, man.

- Just stop cheating.

- I'm not cheating.

- Mm.

- Aw, sad salad boy.

- Salad boy.