01x08 - Wednesday's Gal

[bunniefuu]

All right, y'all,

so big week for the show.

We have our big

Wednesday's Gal wedding.

I cannot believe we're

still doing that segment.

Setting up desperate women

with Atlanta's most eligible bachelors

was all right ten years ago,

but now it seems sad and dangerous.

It is, which is why it crushes.

- Yeah.

- I thought Wednesday's Gal

was an adoption segment.

You're confusing that

with Wednesday's Child,

which is where we take one of Atlanta's

most eligible orphans,

set them up with a home.

- That's nice.

- Can we please remind viewers

that you cannot adopt a Wednesday's Gal

or marry a Wednesday's Child?

I get a lot of weird emails.

I emailed you once.

Now, I do have a big surprise

Phil can adopt Wednesday's Gal?

What? Pam, no.

- No?

- It's that our very 1st,

4th, 18th, 31st, 47th,

60th, and 89th Wednesday's Gal,

Glory Clarke,

is the one getting married!

- Oh, my goodness.

- Ooh, goodness.

- Yeah, she's a party girl.

- Okay, wow.

- Where'd you get these pictures?

- From her Instagram.

- Ooh.

- Oh, she in pain and relaxed.

Oh, Glory.

Remember when she got super drunk

and told her date,

"I wanna eat your yawn"?

And then she recently dated

our super weird editor

that knows an uncomfortable amount

- about Finnish politics?

- Bruce.

Yes, that's the one Glory's marrying.

- Hmm.

- They're getting married?

Uh, Mika, don't you think

Glory might be settling

a little bit so she can

finally have her "big wedding"?

I mean, they've known

each other for, like, a month.

Who cares?

They have passion, and that's

the foundation for love.

What? Wait, you think that passion

is the foundation for love?

Something so toxic

they literally named a crime after it?

Okay, Kenan, so what do you think

is the foundation for love?

Respect, compatibility,

logic, common values?

You sound like you shopping for a Prius.

Why are we talking about this?

Is this meeting over now?

And you sound like you're

trying to convince yourself

that these two people are in love

because you know how big of a cash cow

this wedding is gonna be for us.

Okay, yes, the wedding

happens to generate

enough revenue to get

the network off my back,

but that doesn't mean

that it's not about love.

And luckily, it's not your job

to say what's not love,

it's your job to shut up

and read what's on the cards.

Oh. Ow.

- Mm-hmm.

- Wait, what is this?

"The phrase 'I now

pronounce you man and wife

"is brought to you

by Geraldson's Diamonds,

"now 70% less bloody"?

Yeah, Geraldson's is the main

sponsor for the wedding.

Look: "Honeymoon brought to you

"by Honey Breath Candy Vapes.

- "A party for your kids' face."

- Okay.

What the hell, Mika? Mi-Mi-Mika!

Yeah, she gone, bro.

Congratulations, you two.

- Oh, thanks, Kenan.

- Oh, thank you!

- Congratulations.

- Ah!

I did that!

I have to sell that even

though I don't believe in it.

Oh, I see what's going on here.

Mm-hmm, yeah, Mika's got me

betraying my audience, man.

- Hmm?

- I am their friend.

That's how they look at me.

They don't look at me like I'm

the Postmates man who lingers.

Get on out of here, Postmates man!

Yeah, okay, fam, but what I

meant was you're this angry

because you got the crush.

- On Mika?

- Mm-hmm.

- What?

- Yeah.

- What? What?

- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah.

- What?

- You through?

- What.

- Oh, you have more.

- No, no. Man, we could not be,

more wrong for each other.

Look, I'm not trying to push

you, but I do gotta ask.

I mean, I don't make the news.

I just report it.

I didn't build the house.

I just live in it, rent-free.

I got it Gary, but you wrong, man.

I'm only mad

because she's got me out here

hustling all these products.

Look: "WTF Sunblock

for Nighttime by Geraldson's."

Man, them damn people got

their hands in everything.

More like they stole my damn idea.

Don't you remember Sun-Scream?

Had the logo and everything,

little ghost in a bikini?

Oh, yeah, I do remember that.

Why'd you use a picture of Mom?

Pay somebody else

for a picture of they body?

Hell no, that's just good business.

- Mm-hmm.

- But let's go ahead

and circle back to my favorite soda,

which is Strawberry Crush.

- You think Mika likes it too?

- No!

I mean, let's circle back

to your thing.

Why'd you give up on all

that entrepreneurial stuff?

Back then you were good.

If I remember correctly,

you had some other ideas, too,

didn't you?

You know I did! You know I do!

Like street legal golf carts,

or fruit-flavored meat.

Yes, those are both great, man.

- You should revisit 'em.

- Right?

Oh, a whole loaf of bread

that is just the ends,

called Booty Bread!

Hold up, man. You my ride.

- Oh, yes!

- That's a drop.

- I'm winning, right?

- Yeah, mm-hmm.

- Ooh, pass the rock!

- No can do, Gar.

We're in the middle

of a very close game.

We think.

Yeah, it's so much fun!

Uh, 3:45, you know what that means.

15 minutes of silent play.

- This is my favorite part.

- Me too.

Yo, they're really into this.

When'd you come up with that?

Like, half a fútbol game

and six "Shark Tanks" ago.

It started as a way

for them to leave me alone

so I could watch TV.

Fun for the whole family?

I don't know, Rick, I think

we could monetize this,

maybe even get it on "Shark Tank."

Oh, it's just a child

distraction tactic.

Like climate change.

No, trust me.

I'm a bit of an entrepreneur.

- Are you?

- Mm-hmm.

Or are you just a person

that's realizing that his life

is going in the wrong direction

and you're panicking?

Entrepreneur. Look, man.

We could definitely get this

on the Tank.

I know the guy that

teaches slang to Mark Cuban.

This is too dumb for the Tank.

Those are the greatest

business minds on Earth.

And Robert Herjavec.

Think about it.

This could be your legacy.

I call it "Papaball."

Papaball? Hmm?

Yeah, I guess we could

develop it a little bit.

Ah, we in business of Papaball, y'all!

Oh, yay! Yay!

Oh, that's minus ten points

for the noise.

Oh right! Sorry.

Ugh, I can't believe I have to wear

this stupid thing for the wedding.

Oh, it's cute.

You look like a really

accomplished Girl Scout.

Nah, he looks like he's

going to a NASCAR funeral.

I feel like junk mail.

I mean, what is Messy Water?

It's what we're drinking, dawg.

The world's finest

water-flavored malt beverage.

- Water doesn't have a flavor.

- That's the point.

You can take it to the gym

and no one knows.

- Mommy's little secret.

- "Now with 75% alcohol"? Good Lord.

What monster would make this?

Lemme guess. Geraldson's.

Yup, of course.

They also make my daughter's

adorable diaper thongs.

God, they got their

dirty mitts in everything.

Fracking, private prisons.

They published Woody Allen's last book,

which isn't even funny essays.

It's a memoir.

I'm gonna talk to Mika.

I have had four of these.

Oh, you should be dead.

Geraldson's is the devil.

You know, it's bad enough

you got me selling out love

by selling every inch

of this sham wedding,

but you couldn't even find a buyer

with some human decency?

There's something

that we can disagree with

with any corporation, right?

Mika, they make Jeff Bezos

look like the Burt's Bees guy.

All right, I've heard just about enough.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't

realize you were in a meeting.

- I'm Kenan.

- I'm Tony Geraldson.

- Yeah.

- And scene.

Yeah, that's the the sketch

that we wanted pitch you guys.

Just to show that

you can laugh at yourselves

We're pulling our sponsorship

from the wedding.

Yup.

- And we'll take our tux back too.

- Oh, okay. All right.

You don't got to be so aggressive.

Tony, you're tickling me! You know what?

Why don't I get it dry cleaned for you?

Got a little sweaty as I

was running up the stairs.

You're not laughing.

- Mika, come on.

- So let me get this straight.

When it comes to love,

you're all about respect,

logic, being levelheaded,

but when it comes to your job,

you act like a drunken sorority girl

on the first night of semester at sea?

Okay, well, in my defense,

I might have had a little bit

of that Messy Water, and I had a buzz.

- Kenan!

- All right, my bad.

If ever there was a time for an

Edible Arrangement, it's now,

- so where do you land on honeydew?

- You think this is funny?

I told you the network's

on my a*s about finding

new revenue streams,

and this wedding was it.

But of course you have

a problem with it,

just like you had a problem

with the fourth hour,

because you're a diva.

Whoa!

- I am not a diva.

- Whatever.

I hope whoever they hire to replace me

once they find out this wedding's dead

can find a way to monetize this show

without offending your delicate palate.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I don't really even know why

I'm tripping on this whole

thing in the first place.

- Hey!

- Hey.

Question: If I were willing

to get a tattoo

absolutely anywhere,

what other swag could we get?

Guys, I'm sorry to break this to you,

but we have some not-so-good news.

Uh, because it's great news.

We got you an early wedding gift.

A couples massage,

but you gotta go right now.

Yay! I love lotion and robes.

They remind me of the hotel

where I was born.

Let's go, Brucie!

I'm not super comfortable

taking my clothes off

in front of anyone.

- Bruce, I want this.

- Me too!

It'll give me a chance

to air out my moles.

Cool, cool, cool.

All right, scat, you two.

Somebody's got some rubbin' comin'.

Mika, come on, we can do this.

We just need to find

a new sponsor, right?

Kenan, it's way too late for that.

Giving up?

That is not the Mika Caldwell I know.

I mean, I have solved

every true crime podcast

before the cops.

But look, national sponsors

do their media buys way in advance.

Well, who said anything about national?

I mean, a bunch of local sponsorships

is just as good as one big one, right?

- Yeah.

- And how many boudoir photo studios

do you pass on the way to work?

- A lot.

- Exactly.

There's plenty of mom and pop

shops that need to advertise,

so let's do some show business!

Okay, but first,

you gotta take off that jacket.

- I can't look at it anymore.

- Oh, yeah, it's itchy,

- and it stinks.

- Yeah.

- Help me.

- Mm-hmm.

- All right, here we go.

- Let's do this.

I cannot believe I'm speaking

to the Mama May

from Mama May I Have Another Biscuit?

Yes, our show reaches an average

of over 100,000 Atlantans,

and studies show that

most of them are online

shopping while they watch.

And I'm calling to see

if you wanted to get

a little more exposure

for your biscuits.

And no, you don't

have to take your top off.

Kenan, you can't lead

with a topless joke.

- Yup.

- Nice.

Look, I don't care what they say.

Too Hot to Try Wings are

the most fire wings in Atlanta.

Yeah, hold on one second.

Yeah, Too Hot to Try Wings

are trash, man.

Can I count on your

sponsorship, Mr. Bling Wings?

Yes! Thank you very much.

Now, that's how you sell.

Thank you.

All right.

- Thank you so much.

- Yes!

We make the perfect team,

right, partner?

You with your crunching numbers

and business savvy,

and me with my pants-dropping charm.

I think I'm more the numbers

and the charm.

They just can't see my smile

over the phone.

Mm-hmm.

What?

- Oh!

- Ooh!

Here we go.

- Yup.

- Here we go.

- Oh, yeah, you won!

- Come on!

Hula hoop dance.

That's four points for Birdie.

And five for Aubrey.

- I can't believe it went in!

- I can still play!

- Go, go.

- Come on.

Um what's all this?

Welcome to Papaball Swag.0.

Now rougher and tougher.

This is not my game.

You can develop this without me.

I mean, Papaball is supposed

to be a simple, American game,

like fútbol

or eating laundry detergent.

With all disrespect,

you sound dumb as hell, man.

We're trying to take this

into the 20th century.

All right, girls.

Since you ain't called time out,

you both lose your Hooplers.

- Aww.

- That's right.

Give me a Hoopler. Now I gotta hoop.

Like a couple grand?

Well, actually the price

is about $10,000,

but since I put your ranch

on everything from wings

- to the bags under my eyes

- Uhhuh.

I can give it to you for,

I think, about 8,700.

- All right, let's do it.

- Yes!

- Dope!

- Dope.

Oh, yeah, dope. Or whatever, bye.

Yeah!

- We did it!

- Let's go, team!

- Whoo!

- Mm!

I can't believe you!

- You're the one that wanted to go!

- I've had enough!

I was just letting her do her job.

I bet you would let her do

any type of job she wanted.

What's going on, you two?

I thought you were getting pampered.

We got kicked out because someone

started yelling at the masseuse.

Yeah. You!

I said "someone"!

I saw the way you

pulled down your towel,

Mr. I Don't Like to Take My

Clothes Off in Front of Anyone!

- She told me to.

- So you admit it?

That's it. The wedding's off!

I hope you and Oksana

are very happy together!

Why are these stairs so loud?

Of course this would happen to me.

I mean, why would a girl

like that wanna be

with a guy like me

no matter how much I love her?

I should've just stayed

in my editing cave.

Aww, that is so sad.

Is it?

I mean, I hate to say this,

but I think I was right

when I said Bruce and Glory

were wrong for each other.

- You did not hate saying that.

- No, I did not.

Honestly, Bruce and Glory

splitting up is a win-win.

We already got the sponsorship money,

so the network can't be mad at you,

and now you don't have

to produce the wedding.

This is way bigger than work, okay?

We disrupted fate.

Bruce and Glory

were supposed to get married.

What if they were gonna

have a little genius baby

like Elon Musk,

but with a good personality?

We gotta fix this.

It's fate that they didn't

get married, all right?

They're not compatible at all.

Maybe they're not compatible,

but trust me,

I can tell they're in love,

and that's all that matters.

Trust me, I think I know

a little something about marriage.

Oh, and I don't?

Well, I mean, no offense,

but I have been married, and you got

- Engaged five times?

- So you know what?

I knew you had a problem with that.

Yeah, it's a lot.

Cori and I were married for 13 years.

I mean, that's the baker's decade!

Okay, you made it down

the aisle, congratulations.

That doesn't make you

an expert on love.

You've been in one

successful relationship,

I've been in way more.

That all ended.

Doesn't mean they weren't successful.

Would you trust a chef

who's only cooked one meal

or a dancer whose only move

was the Cabbage Patch?

And I intentionally bring up that move

because it's the only dance you

think you know, but you don't.

This is the Cabbage Patch,

and your jerk self

has been doing the Tootsie Roll

this whole time.

What! You want me to do

- the Cabbage Patch?

- Let's see it.

- I will do the Cabbage Patch all day, son.

- Bring it, son.

- Watch my Cabbage Patch.

- Hit me.

- Right here.

- What?

This is the Cabbage Patch

that I got for you ♪

This is the Cabbage Patch.

Hey, which one of us

is doing the Cabbage Patch?

Carl, ain't this the Cabbage Patch?

- Watch my Cabbage Patch.

- Cabbage Patch.

Cabbage Patch, Cabbage Patch ♪

Cabbage Patch around the world!

Somebody boiling cabbage in here!

- He's staying in place!

- Cabbage Patch.

- Uh, G-man, can we talk?

- Ooh, perfect timing.

I'm working on our Papaball

pitch for the Sharks.

It's 11 seconds long,

lightning graphics.

We are gonna slay.

Gary!

We're supposed to do this together.

I mean, this thing's kinda

spinning out of control.

Rick, I'm just trying to take

Papaball to a new height.

And you're like a plane

that just won't take off.

It's just sitting

on the tarmac at O'Hare.

No, no, I'm the captain of this thing,

and I kindly gave you

some of the controls,

and now you're flying us into Midway,

the least convenient airport!

Look, I don't know what all this

Chicago aviation talk is about,

but if you don't wanna

take my genius ideas,

then I'm out.

- Fine.

- Then I'm out too.

- I'm going upstairs.

- So am I.

Finally, something we can do together.

Oh, whatever.

- Forget it, I'm going outside.

- Don't let the door hit you!

It never does! I know how to use doors.

- No!

- Whoa!

What you doing here, man?

Yo, it's just.

Had to get out the house, man.

- Me and Rick got into it.

- Yeah?

What, was he walking around

with his robe open again?

Nah, I mean, he invented

this game for the girls

and I tried to make it better,

but I think I ended up messing it up.

Well, that's very on brand for you.

I'm already being vulnerable,

man, I don't need that.

- All right.

- Uh, what?

Please don't tell anyone

I Postmated crab cakes to my trunk.

- I won't.

- Oh, I have to.

Look, no. I'm sorry it didn't work out

with you and Bruce,

but we'll keep making you

Wednesday's Gal

until we find the perfect guy for you.

I already found the perfect guy: Bruce!

I love him so much!

I don't deserve a man like that.

But you literally have

nothing in common.

Y'all go together

like peanut butter and jelly.

Am I really the only one

that hates that combo?

Look, I can't explain it.

He just makes me so happy

and jealous and horny.

Bruce? The same guy that wore

his regular clothes inside out

for Halloween?

Oh, my God, Kenan. Yes!

They love each other even though

it don't make no damn sense.

Haven't you ever had

somebody in your life

who you shouldn't be with

for so many reasons

but it doesn't matter,

you still wanna be with them?

- Mika.

- What was that now?

- Mika was right.

- Hmm.

Glory and Bruce belong together.

It doesn't matter. It's over.

Why would he take me back now?

Because he loves you too.

He told me himself.

Now you get up out of that trunk

and go in the studio and find your man.

He's probably in there

drowning his sorrows

in a hard milkshake or something.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

- I'm coming, Bruce!

- Wow.

I guess sometimes

people can belong together

even though it seems hella wrong.

- Told you.

- Uh, no.

I learned the lesson

all by myself, thank you.

Okay.

- Hey, girls.

- Hey, babies.

Oh, your daddy has had a day.

Why has your day been bad, Daddy?

Because he got into it with Mika today.

Ooh, you better not be mean to Mika.

She's the best.

Yeah, well, look what I got for y'all.

Lollies!

- What's up, Papa?

- Hey.

Gary, hey, look! I got a water.

Just a plain old water,

simple, classic.

- Wanna tweak it all by yourself?

- Look, Rick.

I ruined Papaball, all right?

It's my bad.

I don't care about that game.

I just said I wanted to develop it

because it was something fun

to do together.

No, it was, man.

You know I get carried away with stuff.

But it was exciting to imagine

having a job I cared about.

No offense, Kenan.

It's just I'm your brother.

I'm not a real manager.

I'm definitely not an entrepreneur.

I'm nothing.

I'm just 35 years old and

nothing going on in my life.

Oh, were we supposed

to disagree with that?

Because facts is facts, dawg.

Hold up, man.

You're a great best friend.

- Come on.

- And a great uncle.

And his farts are really loud.

- Oh, she got you there.

- Facts is facts.

Hey, just came by

to let you know that we have

a dress rehearsal right now

for the wedding 'cause

I was right ♪

Yeah, I was right ♪

- Yes, you were.

- Yup.

Went to Bruce's edit bay last night

to try to help get them

get back together,

but guess what;

They were already together.

Like, very together.

Like, picture how many moles

you think Bruce has, then double it.

No, thanks, I'm scared my

brain is gonna get stuck there.

Well, passion won out

completely on its own this time.

I told you they were meant

to be together.

We didn't even have to fix it.

No, we didn't have to anything.

- I'm happy for them.

- For real?

'Cause I thought

they weren't compatible,

and I didn't know

anything about marriage.

Yeah, well, I thought about it,

and you're the smartest person I know.

So I should probably listen

to you way more often.

About everything.

I'm sorry about what I said.

I guess the Lord

of the Engagement Rings

does know a thing or two after all.

- Okay, you know what?

- I'm sorry too.

And if you don't wanna do

any of that sponsorship stuff,

I can have Tami

Oh, my, what?

These are the sponsors we got together.

Yeah, I had Shane in wardrobe

put it together last night.

Figured the wedding

might be back on because

I was right, I was right ♪

- I could take it off.

- Okay.

Girl, you are so silly, girl.

I was right ♪

Buck up, kid.

I got you a little something

to cheer you up.

If you're not a real entrepreneur,

how come your company has a

commercial running on local TV?

Wow, you did that for me?

It's our game now.

That is such a huge waste of money!

Thank you!

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are gathered here today

to join Bruce and Glory

in holy matrimony.

And to introduce a sport

that almost swept the country:

Rick and Gary Ball.

- Whoo! Almost.

- Shh.

Go ahead, y'all. Do the wedding.

Just let it rain ♪

Well, you did it.

We did it.

Thanks for doing all that.

I know you didn't love it.

Of course. Anything for you.

You know, when you're right,

you're right.

I guess sometimes no matter

how many reasons there are

that it seems two people

shouldn't be together

Scary reasons, big life reasons

Sometimes you just can't

keep them apart.

- Right?

- Right.

- Wanna dance?

- Of course.

Out on the sun ♪

I know you, you know me ♪

And it doesn't

get much better, baby ♪

- Hi, Dad, Mika!

- Hey, baby!

- Hey!

- All right, let's do it.

Oh, let's get the happy couple

over here!

Ring around the couple ♪

Somebody got married ♪

Cabbage Patch, Cabbage Patch ♪

Cabbage Patch, Cabbage Patch ♪

Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

I'm doing the Cabbage Patch.

It's like this.