11x29 11x30 - Oldholio/The Discoverers

[bunniefuu]

♪ MTV ♪

This line sucks.

Yeah, yeah, it sucks.

But the doctor says I need
medicine for my arthritis

and the cholesterol

and now, he says I have
diabetes for some reason.

Doctors don't know everything.

No, sir.

Remember when every time
you ate a lot of sugar,

you'd go crazy?

Did I?

I don't remember.
- Yeah.

You'd, like, run around and
pull your shirt over your head.

My shirt over my head?

No.
No, it doesn't ring a bell.

Yeah.

And then you'd, like, scream
stuff about your bunghole.

My bunghole? No.

Are you sure you're not
thinking of Stewart?

You know, the blond kid?

Uh, yeah,
maybe it was Stewart.

He's a wuss.

Well, whoever it was,
that was a long time ago.

Those days are over.

Next.

Uh, my name's Beavis.

Can I have your prescription?

Uh, no.

All I have is this piece
of paper from the doctor.

This is from
the unemployment office.

Well, that's what I got.

Wait, are you gonna
give me a job?

No.

Oh. Oh, good, yeah.

Yeah, that was close.

I can look you up
in the computer, Mr. Beavis.

Looks like
you have prescriptions

for diabetes, arthritis,
high cholesterol,

and prostatitis.

What's that one?

Do you wake up in the middle
of the night a lot to urinate?

No.

Most nights,
only like 15 or 20 times.

Let me get these for you.

Yeah, you're gonna need
a prior authorization.

Well, how do I get one?

You'll have to call
your insurance company, sir.

Ugh.

You gotta do everything
yourself in this place.

Oh, you do?

Yeah, you do.
Never coming here again.

Oh, OK, yeah.

So, um, do I have to get
my medicine myself, then?

Uh, I guess so.

I think it's, like, self-serve.

OK, then.

Let's see.
Where to begin?

I'm gonna try one of these.

Huh. Well, pretty good.

How about some of these?

Couple of these.

Wash them
down with some syrup.

Whoa, these taste strong.

Whoa, I feel young again.

Come on! Come on!

More!
More, more!

I am Cornholio!

I need TP for my bunghole.

♪ I'm not afraid
of getting older ♪

♪ One less day ♪

This one of those videos
where they show everyone

who died during the year?

Uh, oh, yeah.
I think it is.

It's like one of
those in memorba--

memoratorium.

So all these people died
this year, huh?

Well, I thought
that guy died years ago.

Wow.

Uh, he might as well have.

He kind of looks
like that room mom,

you know, in kindergarten
that used to give, like,

juice boxes to everybody.

He drives a Subaru.

How come there's all
this fire around them?

I think that means that all
these people went to hell.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, good for them, yeah.

You know, I've heard good
things about hell, you know?

Yeah.

I've heard
they have fornication.

Yeah, a-a-and fire too. Yeah.

Fornication and fire.

Yeah, yeah, it's like
a Benihana's down there.

You know, Butt-Head, um--

I'm always afraid
I'll see one of these

and then I'll see myself
and that's how I'll find out.

And I'll be like,
wait a second,

I must have died this year.

Don't worry, Beavis.

You'll never
be in one of these.

No one will notice
when you've died.

Shut up, Butt-Head.

Come on.

You could be dead right now
and I would not know or care.

Shut up, Butt-Head.

You're freaking me out.
Come on.

I'd just
step right over you.

Shut up, Butt-Head.

You'll be in the
section of the show

called "Good Riddance."

Oh, yeah.

And now, a look at
the people we lost this year

who sucked.

Sir, you can't be back here.

Are you threatening me?

No, but this area
is for pharmacy staff only.

I need pharmacy
for my bunghole!

And my prostatitis.
Yeah.

You will give me
all your diabetes!

Would you like
to see my cholesterol?

My cholesterol is
in my bunghole!

Yes, we have
an older gentleman here

who took a lot
of geriatric medications.

My bunghole
demands arthritis!

You will give me
all your arthritis now!

You'd better send the police
right away.

I have no co-pay
for my bunghole.

You must
give me your co-pay.

Side effects
may include my bunghole.

My bunghole is old.

I am Oldholio.

I must take
a load off my bunghole.

My bunghole shall nap.

It shall rest now.

For it is weary.

My bunghole.

Cornholio.

Bunghole.

Prior authorization
for my bunghole!

I demand pharmaceuticals
for my bunghole!

Do you have a co-pay?

I demand
to see your co-pay!

Get out the scooter.
You're under arrest.

I have a prescription
in my bunghole.

This is your last warning.

Are you threatening me?

Yes, I am.

You will not
threaten the almighty

Oldhol--

You will not
threaten my bunghole!

No!

It is my bunghole!

He just took 50,000 volts
like it was nothing.

He took so many pills,
he must be

completely impervious to pain.

The way those drugs
are interacting,

he could be capable
of anything.

You must bow down to
the flames of my bunghole!

My bungholio is an inferno!

Additional units on standby.


Suspect is wanted
for felony theft

of prescription drugs,
reckless driving,

first-degree arson.

And one time, I caught him
spanking his monkey

to a cartoon about a train.

Get him.

Something's coming.

Give me all your
pharmaceuticals!

You must give me Lipitor
for my bunghole!

Oh, my God.

I am the great Oldholio.

I have no bunghole.

What could possibly
cause a man to do this?

Well, I think it's
'cause he never scored.

I demand TP!
You must give me all your TP!

What's he saying?

You will not disrespect
my prostatitis!

For I have prostatitis
in my bunghole.

Prostatitis?

Doctor said I got that too.

I must have prescriptions
for my bunghole.

Do you need prescriptions
for your bunghole?

Yes, I do.

Me too, Chief.

Me too.

Titicaca.

Let him go.

I'll pay for the medicine
he stole.

- But Chief!
- If it weren't

for the grace of God,
that could be me out there.

That could be me.

You can take my bunghole
with or without food.

My bunghole is en fuego.

He's going straight to hell
anyways.

Ask your doctor if your
bunghole is right for you.

- That is humorous, yes.
- Very humorous, yes.

- Quite jocular, yes.
- Droll, very droll, yes.

Whimsical, yes, yes.
Quite absurd, yes.

Quite whimsical, yes.

Priceless wit
of a satirical bent, yes.

Behold,
oh dim-witted humans.

I am Smart Butt-Head.

And I am the one sages
call Smart Beavis.

In the past,
we have come to you

to chronicle
the mysterious events

of a distant universe where
Beavis and Butt-Head

are not teenagers,
but in middle age.

At the height
of their powers.

But today, we bring
you a different tale,

a tale about ourselves.

The legend
of how we came to be known

across the cosmos as...

The Discoverers.

Our legend begins the day

we were called before
the Supreme Leaders.

Smart Beavis
and Smart Butt-Head,

we have for you
an important mission.

The Smart Council has decided
to invade Earth I,

the planet
they call Normal Earth.

The humans who live there

are too stupid
to have their own planet.

And so they must
be terminated.

Mm-kay?

Your Mission
is to go to Earth I

and place
a navigational beacon

to show our space fleet
precisely where to attack.

Ah, yes, you chose us

because of our deep
understanding of Normal Earth.

And wisdom in the art of w*r.

No, we chose you because
you will probably die.

You were the most expendable
people we could think of.

And we are extremely good
at thinking.

Quite right, Smart Todd.

Now go.
May science be with you.

Very well.
We shall go to Normal Earth.

And we shall be its doom.

Indeed. Doom.

- Yes, yes. Quite jocular.
- Chucklesome, yes, yes.

- Amusing jocosity.
- Yes, yes.

Waggish and farcical as well, yes.

♪ Yeah,
we want to go insane ♪

Interesting,
quite interesting, yes.

Yes, yes. Very interesting.

♪ Take your b*tch,
give her back, insane ♪

♪ Sent her packing,
she was actin' crazy ♪

People less sophisticated
than ourselves might assume

that this is a man stumbling
around intoxicated in his yard

and should be handed over
to the authorities.

Yes, but we know better.

These are sophisticated
dance moves with great meaning.

Yes, it will take our
scientists many centuries

to interpret what he is saying
through the language of dance.

Yes, yes.

The probability of him
urinating in his own pants

is zero.

I need it cash, cake ♪

Did you catch that,
Smart Butt-Head?

He is expressing his earthly
desire for fornication

and a carton of smokes.

Ah, yes.
Yes, indeed.

♪ But it's different ♪

Oh, look at this.

He is paying tribute
to the God of fertility.

Yes, yes, by placing his hand
near his Earth p*nis,

I believe this is how
they pledge of allegiance.

Yes, yes.

The Earth p*nis is a
much less intelligent organ

than our space p*nis.

Yes, yes.

Primitive 16-bit Earth p*nis,
yes, yes.

♪ Completely ♪

I do not understand what
he appears to be doing now.

What is the meaning of this,
Smart Butt-Head?

He is performing
the ancient moves

necessary before immersion
in the basin of purification.

Ah, yes, indeed, yes.

I believe you are correct,
Smart Butt-Head, yes.

Humans must reach
the exalted state they call

krunk before immersion
into the pool of infinity.

Yes, yes, that pool,

like the wisdom
of Post Malone, is infinite.

♪ Second verse,
second verse, yay ♪

♪ Second verse ♪

This is very good,
Smart Butt-Head.

Yes, yes. Very good.

I do not understand why
it was not nominated

for the Space Oscars.

Ah, yes.
Yes, it is a travesty.

Post Malone has become
quite wealthy doing this.

Yes, yes, it is no wonder
that the Earthlings

have made him their king.

♪ To try to teach me
how to dance ♪

What do those words
on his face mean?

They mean one thing,
Smart Beavis.

Kidnap me and probe my an*s.
- Yes, yes.

Perhaps we should lure him
into our spacecraft

with a 40-ouncer
and a pack of cigarettes

and take him
to our home planet for study.

Yes, yes.

40 ounces is the optimal
volume for malt liquor.


you messed up sufficiently.

And 52 ounces
is too heavy to hold.

Yes, yes. Do you think
he would mind being probed?

I do not think
he would mind or notice.

Yes, yes.

Look upon these
foolish humans,

unaware their destruction
is nigh.

Let us place the beacon here
in this temple of commerce.

How primitive.
- Yes.

The convenience stores on our
world are far more advanced.

Yes, yes,
very primitive, yes.

It appears to be
an obsolete form of nachos.

Yes, quite archaic, yes.

Where is the space cheese?

And look at this.

Primitive analog p*rn*graphy.

Fascinating.

We must take it
for our research.

Now, let us place the beacon

to guide our space fleet
to its prey.

But where shall we place it,
Smart Beavis?

Ah, these days, you got
to take out a mortgage

just to buy some cold ones,
I tell you what.

Let us put the beacon
in this chamber.

It should suffice.

Yes, yes.
A felicitous location, yes.

Well, hold on there, boys.

You can't just take
those magazines

and go whack off
in the bathroom.

I do not understand.

What do these words mean?

"Whack off"?

You know,
choking the chicken.

Beating your meat.

Spanking your monkey.

Son, I'm talking
about masturbating.

We have never heard of it.

What is masturbating?

You really don't know?

Oh, boy.

Well, all right, I guess
I'll explain it to you then.

You see, sometimes a man--

And that's pretty much
the long and short of it.

Fascinating.

Your own schlong?

Quite fascinating, indeed.

We must try this immediately
for research.

Indeed.

We shall return
immediately afterwards

and place the beacon.

The research was a success.

Indeed.

The old man's analysis

of spanking your monkey
was correct.

Quite accurate, yes.

Let us go now
and place the beacon.

First, we should conduct
the research one more time.

Very well.

Research complete.

Let us place the beacon.

Or we conduct the research
one more time.

Yes, yes, I agree.

One more time, yes.
We must be thorough, yes.

My schlong hurts.

As does mine.

It is finally time
to cease our research

and plant the beacon.

Agreed.

But first, one more time.

Set course for
the navigation beacon.

I'm not detecting it, sir.

That's not possible.

We sent a team
to plant it a week ago.

It was never turned on, sir.

We have zero navigational data.

No matter.

I became Smart Admiral because
I am expert in navigating

without--

Smart Beavis
and Smart Butt-Head,

you failed
to place the beacon.

As a result,

our invasion fleet
crashed into the moon,

destroying over 40 ships

and putting
Admiral Smart Van Driessen

in the space emergency room.

You have disappointed
us for the last time, mm-kay?

You have anything to say
before we pass sentence?

In our defense,
Supreme Leaders,

we have discovered something.

Indeed, we did.

Something unknown to our planet
called spanking your monkey.

I will beam you how it works.

Very well.

We will consider this
spanking your monkey

and return with our verdict.

We will now vote
on your sentence.

Death.

Give them a billion dollars.

Throw them a parade.

Give them $2 billion.

Rename the planet
in their honor.

Sing songs of their triumph
at every public gathering.

Let us consider the evidence
one more time.

Yes.
- Agreed.

You've got to be kidding me.

I only wish more people
had come to our parade.

They are all at home
spanking their monkeys.

Thanks to what we learned
from that old man,

Earth 327-Z would never
be the same again.

And that is why
we are known as...

The Discoverers.

Chirp.