02x03 - Tennis Table Tennis

[bunniefuu]

Oh! Bloody hell.

What's the word for a group

of reindeer?

Uh. An orgy, Nan.

It's an orgy of reindeer.

Oh! We're doing a 12 pubs

of Christmas session.

Although we can only do five pubs

because there's only five pubs in

Kent Mark's not barred from.

Your cousin Mark was the only bloke

in your family you spoke fondly of.

He once went on Tipping Point

and kept calling drop zone 3

a c**t.

The ep was never aired.

Hello, Nan. What's pink and going to

get your head in a spin?

It's not your little knob, is it?

Even better! Yay!

Best Christmas present ever,

Danny boy.

It's quality.

Oi! Boys, boys, just come here a

minute. Come here.

Your dad was a bit of a

Larry loner in Margate.

Mostly because he'd slept

with everyone's missus

and had really sh*t chat.

The challenge in this pub is

we've got to hold hands

the whole time.

And if you let go even for a second,

then you get the next round in, right?

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm not I'm not holding

a bloke's hand.

What?

What about if I need to go

for a piss?

I need to get my d*ck out to piss.

I don't want you staring at my d*ck.

Shut up, give us your hand, you

ponce! What's wrong with you?

Right, five, four

ALL: Three, two, one.

[THEY CHEER]

Hey!

You all right? All right.

f*cking hell. You look like

a bunch of f*cking woofters.

Shut up, Scrooge, you mug!

Scrooge?

Huh.

Give us a kiss.

[SHOUTING]

[GLASSES CRASH]

f*g?

No, I'm not.

No! I meant like a smoke.

Oh. Right.

You once told me how Chappy turned

out to be the first g*y person

you'd ever met.

He now runs a nail salon

in Gravesend.

That's too strong

Cos it is my favourite holiday

But all this year's

been a busy blur

Don't think I have the energy

f*ck, he's fit!

Oh, mate, you really need to get

your end away.

I just keep fancying straight guys.

Yeah.

That is going to be an issue.

I'm the exception that proves

the rule, obviously,

but, like, as like a genre of human,

like, we're just the worst.

I don't know. I've always got a bit

of a g*y vibe off Tim.

He dresses nice.

Stretching.

Have you ever smelt his hair?

No. Have you?

Yeah.

This one time we were in the gym together,

and I've looked over at the water fountain

and there's like, this moment,

but who's going to go first,

you know,

and I've gone in Did you kiss?

No, but I just went

[HE SNIFFS]

[HE EXHALES]

Lily of the valley.

Oh? Yeah.

I just want to find out

if Tim's g*y once and for all.

Yeah. Look.

I'm Facebook friends with him.

Oh. What?

Yeah, he's sort of sympathy-added

me, like, after my wobble last year.

So Yeah. There'll be some

evidence on there, man.

Sorry. Where is Corinne?

You're pregnant?

It's not ideal, no.

What are you going to do?

Well, second and third year

of uni count.

So if I was to delay by two years,

then I would be delaying my masters,

which would delay my PhD,

which could delay me making any

30 Under 30s list. So

Right.

You're joking there, right?

Half joking.

And who's the father?

Spencer, obviously.

Well, I don't know.

We still haven't even met the guy.

I was beginning to wonder

if you'd gone and made him up,

but clearly not.

There's nothing on there

to suggest he's g*y or not g*y.

Right, everyone, today

we will be looking at phone hacking.

Oh, my God, I was once a victim

of phone hacking.

You know what? It was bloody

horrible, actually.

A man in Bogota got into my Facey B

and then my whole wall

became like a retail hub

for Ray-Ban sunglasses.

Right, Jules, you've got 30 seconds

to interrupt this class.

OK, um, we'll just be really

quick, then, for you.

At the end of the week,

it's the second year's

BA Fashion Showcase.

So come on down.

All bottles of cheeky VK £1.50.

And I'll be selling the leftover

Punanis for a pound. Paninis.

I'll take a couple of festive

punanis off you.

Paninis. Yeah. Lovely.

Thank you, Danny and Tim.

Oh, yeah.

Jules has manipulated me

into donating something

for the festive fundraiser.

And, uh, since I'm moving anyway,

I'll be flogging this - £50

donation.

Come and collect it ASAP.

Table tennis. Pretty g*y.

MUSIC: Diamond Veins

by French 79

You are the diamonds in my veins

Baby, you cut me

You don't even do sport.

If I buy this, I can go to Tim's

house,

do some investigative journalism

to find out if he's g*y.

Anyone? We are literally in a lecture

about the invasion of privacy. So

Oh, shut up, Corinne.

Fine. Sold to Jack.

Oh, will you help me collect it?

No. Little creep.

I'm busy tomorrow anyway.

Right. We'll get out of your hair.

Um, we've actually got tickets

to be in the audience

for Harry Hill's TV Burp.

[HE SINGS COUNTDOWN THEME]

Piss off!

Right, phone hacking.

Some people say it can ruin people's

lives,

and a reasonable misunderstanding of

the legislation around it

can also ruin people's careers.

So I'm going to terminate

the pregnancy tomorrow,

and I don't want to go by myself.

So will you come with me?

Of course, babe.

Thank you.

But why is Spencer not going

with you? I asked Spencer, but

Babe. I would come, you know,

I would love to come,

but I've got this feminist

poetry podcast tomorrow,

um, talking about toxic masculinity

and outdated notions

of patriarchal superiority.

So I, uh, I can't really come

with you to the borsh.

Your boyfriend sounds like a prick.

I know. But, yes, I shall

come with you.

I just have two days

in which to find a model

for my fashion showcase.

So I may be scouting for talent

on the ab*rtion ward.

Please don't do that.

Babe, every single model

at this university is taken.

I even just had to ask

Would I have to walk

in a straight line?

Well, yes.

No can do.

Contrary to my confident persona,

I've actually got quite

a nervous disposition.

Right.

Right.

No.

Yay! Hey!

Look who it is! Danny boy!

Merry Christmas.

Hey, listen.

Did you bring a handgun

and ten grand?

Yeah, I'll sneak it to you after

we've had these watery coffees.

All right?

Oh, no. I'm off the caffeine.

What?

Yeah, yeah, I've quit anything

that's remotely a drug.

Finally! If only you'd been supplying

the people of Margate with arabica

beans instead of dodgy class As.

Yeah, yeah. Any jokes how

we're the only two

that's left Margate and moved up to

London?

I mean, you're in prison, Mark.

Yeah, well, it's a very desirable

West London postcode.

OK. Fair enough.

No, I'm I'm proper sorting myself out.

Good, good.

Anyway, to what do I owe

the pleasure of this visit?

Uh, it's, it's my old man.

Is he dead?

No, no, he's just texted me

out of the blue.

He wants to meet up.

Oh, sh*t.

Even worse.

I knew Tim was my lecturer

and nothing would happen,

but I felt I needed to know

if he was g*y,

like Louis Walsh or

the Go Compare Man.

It was one of life's mysteries.

Hey.

Hello, Jack.

The table's just here.

Cool.

I just love tennis table tennis.

Just don't touch anything.

So, have you not brought

a vehicle with you?

Nah.

So how are you going to get

this home?

Oh, uh, yeah.

I hadn't thought about that.

So who do you live with?

It's just me.

Oh, well, who would you play

table tennis with?

Well, normally I'd fold up one side

and, uh, play solo. Right.

Maybe I'll start playing

with myself.

You know, Jack, you can play

with yourself as much as you like,

but get a van first.

Oh, she is stunning.

I'm pretty sure that NHS staff

don't want to model

for fashion students.

Are you OK?

You've asked me that eight times.

This is pretty normal stuff. OK?

I just wanted a pal to chat to.

Oh, aye-aye!

Look, it's you.

Oh, my f*cking God.

Hello, my dolls.

I'm having my three-month scan.

Oh, wow. Congrats. Can I pinch your

lighter, sweetheart?

Of course you can.

So, what are you two doing here?

I didn't know you smoked.

I'm just a bit stressed.

Um, yeah, because, uh

Yemi's having his haemorrhoids removed.

Oh, hon.

What treatment are you having?

I'm not so sure.

OK, they can wrap a rubber band

around a haemorrhoid

to make it drop off, or they can put

an electric current through.

But actually, with mine,

they just used infrared light.

Well, you haven't actually chosen

yet, have you?

It's just a pretty big decision.

Oh, well. It's good to know you have

options, darling.

YEMI: Yes. That's good.

You look ridiculous.

Nan! I need something in between my

fingers to keep the smoking habit.

OK? How many have you had today?

About five.

Well, that amount of spicy pork

can't be good for a baby.

Oh, God.

Hi, boys.

Boys, boys. Boys. Boys.

It's me.

Oh, Tim.

Lush old pad.

Do you know what it's like?

The house on The Apprentice,

isn't it?

Right.

Put the kettle on, then, Tim,

in I come for a cup of tea.

- Absolutely not.

- OK.

[MOBILE RINGS]

Uh, can you two load and go, please?

I've got to take this phone call.

No, I've just had a tea. It's fine.

OK. Mind your toes.

Um

Hold on, Jules, I'm just going to

nip to the loo.

Oh, OK. Oh. Um

Uh, steal me a bog roll. What?

It's what people do at

Buckingham Palace, isn't it?

Um, Mel B has four, apparently

Well, yeah. You come round around

6.00 tomorrow,

I'll pop open some wine.

We'll just have a lovely evening in,

just us, you know?

Well, if you're lucky,

there'll be some mischief.

I spoke to him briefly on the phone,

but I don't know,

I just I don't think I'm ready to

let him back in, you know?

Well, I'm not surprised. I mean,

he's been an almighty tosser

most of our lives. Yeah, he has.

But then, you know, so have I.

Because, you know, when I get

out of here, Dan,

I'm going to be asking everyone

for a second chance.

Yeah, but that's different,

isn't it?

He's had his second chance

and his third and his fourth.

What I'm saying is, I suppose

you just don't know

when someone's ready to properly

change. How's Nan doin'?

Yes. Stable.

I mean, she likes her carer a lot.

Yeah, she flashed him last month.

Seriously. I mean, she said it was

an accident, but, you know

It sounds like her.

Sorry I weren't about when,

you know, when she's gone downhill.

No. It's fine. You know, I mean,

it's the thing.

Neither was Dad, you know?

At least you've got an excuse.

Only you can decide if you want

to forgive him, mate.

There's a lot of time to think

in here.

I mean, mostly, don't get me wrong.

Prison's just sh*t food, daytime telly

and slinging one up a sock every

now and then.

Sounds like uni. Yeah? Yeah.

But I think

the hardest thing is the fact

that I might not get to say goodbye

to Nan,

and that's f*cking hard, Dan.

That hurts.

Patch things up with your old man.

I'm telling you, you don't want

that regret.

Listen, I didn't manage

to sneak you in any dirty mags,

but I did manage to get you this.

There you go.

Oh, no. You can't give it to me,

mate!

Mate, it's just a spinning bowtie!

It could have concealed drugs

or be used as a blade.

It's a novelty spinning bow tie,

mate. All right? Don't hurt him!

It's all right, Dan. It's all right.

It's all right.

So seeing you was the best present

I could have asked for, mate.

The local ab*rtion clinic was mostly

populated by women

who chose not to go with boyfriends,

but instead with a trusted g*y best friend.

Come 'ere. Can we keep this

termination between us, please?

I'm only telling you as the closest

thing I have to a girlfriend.

Yeah. Thanks, b*tch.

Oh, my God!

That just gave me an idea.

What?

Maybe I don't need some other basic

fashion bish to wear my designs.

Here we go.

Maybe Maybe I pick me.

Oh, OK.

No. To be fair, that's a very good idea.

Why not be my own model?

Yeah. It feels like something

I should have always done.

You saying you're questioning

your gender?

Corinne, I know you want

a friend of every single letter

of the LGBT umbrella.

I'm just saying that men

can look cute in skirts, no?

You're talking to a Scot, babe.

It's called kilt. Ms Gahamire?

Yes.

What the f*ck?

Look, I'm sorry to take over,

but I have to redesign,

alter and expand all of these

garments to fit me.

And I've got 36 hours to do it.

I mean, I used to sew my name into

my PE kit when I was a kid.

Do you want a hand?

Yes, please. Thank you.

Where's Corinne? She could help.

No, no, she's in her room.

She, um

She's feeling a little bit poorly.

Oh, look who it is.

The stalker.

Any g*y Tim info?

No, but I found out he has

a date tomorrow,

so trying to figure out

a way to spy on that.

Jack, you're actually starting

to worry me.

I've just been to see my cousin

in prison,

and you would not last five minutes

in there.

All right, they ain't got Wi-Fi

or tiger bread.

Jack, I'm trying to make my dream collection.

And your table tennis table is literally

getting in the way of that. Literally.

But there's nowhere else it can go.

Then take it back from whence

it came.

This shed has youth club vibes

enough already.

Thank you very much.

Oh, this could give me a reason to

go back to Tim's tomorrow.

You're obsessed.

I knew when you told me

you don't want to go home tonight

And you tried to just shrug

it off when I asked why

Somebody hurt you,

somebody hurt you

But you're here by my side

And I knew

Cos I can recall when

I was the one in your seat

I've still got the scars

and they occasionally bleed

Cos somebody hurt me,

somebody hurt me

But I'm staying alive

And I can tell

When you get nervous

You think being yourself

Means being unworthy

And it's hard to love

With a heart that's hurting

But if you want to go out dancing

I know a place

And there Tim was, having a romantic

meal with a boy.

And her.

Hello. How can I help you, Jack?

Yeah. This table.

Um, yeah. Sadly, it's not for me.

Well, I'm not going to take it back.

OK?

Right. Um

Fair enough.

Can I use your loo?

Can you not? OK.

And, um what's going on here?

Goodbye, Jack.

OK. Cool. See ya.

Hey, guys.

Is that Spencer?

Yes, that is Spencer.

She's dumped me!

Nice to meet you, guys.

That's why she's been in her room.

Oh, God. I hate breaking up

with people.

Yeah, it's a lot.

You know, I had to leave my ex

because she was addicted

to online shopping.

I mean, I was down the post office

so much returning her parcels,

I ended up shagging the girl

on the Bureau de Change.

You're so feisty!

Do you understand the English

I speak in this house?

What did I say?

No table.

Look, I just pushed it on a

four-mile round trip to see Tim

with a guy and a girl.

So I still don't know

if he's f*cking g*y.

Good.

Danny told me about your little escapade.

So let me tell you something, Jack.

It's actually none of your business

what someone else's sexuality is.

Yeah, I know, but

There are no buts, Jack.

I was outed by a lady from my church

who just saw me having a drink

with a guy, then ran to go

and tell our pastor.

Oh, yeah.

So, no, we don't go uncovering,

no matter what stupid crushes

we have.

You're right.

It's like me in Year 7,

you know, when I used to chat

up the sixth formers. What?

I think you were going

for someone you knew

you couldn't have so you wouldn't

get hurt, you know?

But you do, right?

Lindsay Hawkins.

OK.

Sorry, Yemi.

The worst part is you've actually

completely upstaged my outfit reveal.

Oh. Come on. Come on!

I know a place

Whoa!

Yes!

You look beautiful.

..just lay down their weapon,

lay down your weapon

Although maybe

we lose the sunglasses.

Look a bit like Jimmy Saville.

Corinne, Corinne. What?

Hey, Corinne! Oh, Jesus.

I know I f*cked up, so I'm here

to show you

that I still believe in us.

Oh, no. He's not going to do

a poem, is he?

I can't watch this.

In this city of chicken bones

and mobile phones

You and me are meant to be

a cacophony of chemistry

I'm sorry, I still see among these

skyscraper lined streets

Skyscrapers?

We're in f*cking Zone 6.

So I plead to thee

That we'll never flee

I don't see you and me condemned

to history

Spencer Please believe

in this city

Spencer. Yes.

f*ck off.

Rockin' around the Christmas tree

At the Christmas party hop

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

Are you all right? Yeah.

Oh, I'm going to get in my

jimmy-jams too.

Go on, then, do it.

My mum also got you matching pyjamas

for Christmas

so you could stay and not be on your

tod at your nan's flat.

But you said you had something

you needed to do.

You all right, Dad?

All right, son?

Voices singing let's be jolly

[BABY MUSICAL BOX FINISHES MELODY]

Whoa!

Hello, hello, hello.

Ah?

I'd give the bathroom five mins

cos a hot bath always makes me want

to go.

Have you moved into my room?

OK, here we go. All right.

Well, listen, me and Nan

kept falling out, OK?

You have f*cked off.

And Peggy's quite lonely, so,

ta-da!

I've been here three weeks.

Shannon! We went and bought mum

an iPhone

WHISPERS: iPhone for Christmas last

Tuesday. You didn't mention it.

I forgot! I've got you a lovely

airbed off the Argos catalogue.

Merry Christmas to you.

But I did want to show you these.

Oh, Shan!

Oh, this is so cool.

Isn't it?

Can you scan those for me

at your fancy uni library,

so I can put them on Facey B in HD?

Sweet.

Oh.

We've recently moved

your grandmother up a floor

as her condition has worsened.

Right.

Is she?

Merry Christmas to you, too.

Do you want to spend the day?

Hello, Nan.

A day in the water

It's me.

When nothing hurts your skin.

Look, I've got you some

nice flowers.

Do you want to know?

Do you want to feel the sun?

Your nighty looks nice, doesn't it?

You ain't got

any porridge down it this time.

It's a start.

Do you want know?

Deeper, and the deeper,

and the deeper

And the deeper that I go

Softer, I get softer,

I get softer

I get softer, I don't know

Father, oh, father, oh, father

oh, father, let me go

I don't want no more

I hear them talking about it

It sounds like the same old song

I see they worry about it

I'm so far ago,

they can't be wrong

I know it's obvious

I'm flying from what I can see

So let me be

Let me

Do you want to spend a day?