02x17 - Field of Nightmares

[bunniefuu]

- The bases are loaded,

and so is my bladder.

Team captain Charlie Benedict

steps up to the plate.

If the Bobcats

can pull off a win,

they'll play in the

Rackleff County Championship

for the first time in history.

All eyes are on Charlie.

- All eyes are on Charlie?

- Yeah, because he's captain.

I mean, can you imagine

if I were captain?

We're talking off-the-charts

historic levels of awesome.

- It's a high fly ball.

It's going, going

- But no, all that glory

is for Charlie Benedict.

- Gone!

PS 38 wins the game.

They're going to the

championship, folks.

Charlie Benedict did it

and just in time.

Ooh!

- Charlie!

- OK, look.

I'm stoked we won.

But how come Charlie

had to be the hero?

Why not me?

I'd love to get all

the glory for once.

[sighs] But that would

take a freaking miracle.

- Oh my God!

Charlie Benedict fell in

the soft cement again.

There will never be

another like him.

OK, who can fit in this hat?

Nate, you're the captain now.

- Hello, miracle.

[upbeat music]

- Don't want to go

to school today

The sun is red hot

and I wanna play

But if I get caught

they'll make me pay

Detention again

- Big Nate, Big Nate

- Math and social studies

just ain't my thing

- Big Nate, Big Nate

- Rocking with my band

is where I'm king

Stealing the teacher's teeth

or bailing on a test

- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,

ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Big Nate

[loud clang]

[loud crash]

- I wanna rock

- Rock

- Oh my God!

- There they are!

- Yeah, Nate, team captain.

Yeah!

- Go get 'em, Nate!

- Oh, yeah,

bring home that trophy.

- Whoo-hoo!

- What's wrong, Fran-Fran?

Wishing you were on the team?

- What?

No.

- Oh, that's right.

We all know you hate sports

because of the incident.

- I believe the scientific

term is ball-a-phobia.

- I thought it was

"ball-itation," you know,

hesitancy around ba*ls.

- Would everyone

stop saying "ba*ls"?

Yes, I've abandoned sports.

But that decision

had nothing to do with--

- B-b-b-b-b-b-b, ba*ls?

- I'm eliminating the

possibility of head injuries

to preserve

my brain for science.

In fact, I have a meeting to

discuss the future of my brain

right now.

I'm interviewing potential

college advisors.

- [laughs]

And is that

April with a tilde?

- [groans]

- Name's Trick Dinger.

My prices are steep,

but I'm worth it.

I'll guarantee

a college acceptance.

- But I haven't even

given you my list

of extracurriculars yet.

- Burn it.

All that matters

are the sports you play.

- That can't be true.

I don't even play sports.

- You do now.

[horse neighing]

- Next!

- OK, kid, you're client

58 out of 8,000 today.

Let's get down to brass tacks.

What sports do you play?

- [groans]

- Hey, hey, hey,

saw your ad, little man.

- Zeff?

- Thought I might

be of assistance.

- No offense, but did you

even graduate high school?

- Psh, I have a PhD in the

School of Life, brother.

Just looking for

a little part-time job

to bring in a little

extra ch-cheese.

- Cheese!

- Got my eye on some tasty

throwing stars, ha, ha.

Little suckers sting, man.

- Right, well, here's my

list of extracurriculars.

- Ahh!

Gosh darn it,

whose scroll is this?

- Frijoles frescos, amigo.

Yeah, man, that means

"cool beans" in Español.

- I don't think

that's how you say it.

- So what sports do you play?

- Isn't anyone impressed

by my extracurriculars

or my 5.0 GPA?

I competed in the NUMBERDOME.

- Self-destruct!

Self-destruct!

- Competition!

Righteous!

Colleges love sports.

- No, I stopped playing sports.

- Oh, man, why'd you go

and do a thing like that?

Don't you want

to go to college?

- Ahh!

- All right, I'm going

to be real with you,

because I like you, Craig.

This mathlete mumbo jumbo?

Useless.

But don't you worry.

I'm sure we can find one

sport that you can play.

- [sighs]

Fine.

I'll try.

Just as long as it

doesn't involve ba*ls.

- What was that again?

- ba*ls.

- Howdy-h*.

How's El Capitan doing?

Ready to win that trophy?

- You know it.

And it has nothing to do with

my quest for personal glory.

- [yelps]

- Heh, that's a practice swing.

- Now, listen, Nathan.

No pressure,

but PS 38 has never

made it to a

baseball championship

before or any championship.

[sobbing]

We're pathetic.

Nate, this is our only chance

to redeem our 100-year history

of failure.

Our entire legacy rests

on your shoulders.

But no pressure, no pressure.

OK, happy Tuesday.

Remember, no pressure.

- [gulps] My legacy of being

totally awesome is at stake.

Time to get serious.

- Welcome to badminton,

a refined sport

for civilized dudes

like vousand moi.

Just gently hit the

not-ball-shaped birdie

over the net.

- [cackling]

- [whimpering]

- Well, I can see

this is going to take work.

Quest accepted.

- All right, all right,

listen up, Bobcats.

As your new

and improved captain,

it's my duty to ensure victory.

In one week, we are facing the

most important day of my life.

- Don't you mean our lives?

- Silence!

- Ahh!

- [coughs]

As I was saying, we will

be implementing

a little concept

I like to call the three Ds--

discipline, discipline,

and discipline.

- That's just

one D three times.

- Discipline!

[gavel banging]

Peel, peel, peel!

Put your backs into it.

- But my fingers hurt.

I keep scraping my skin off.

- Oh, hey, you know what

those mangled fingers mean?

- Discipline!

[gavel banging]

Crossing this river will

prepare you for the pressure

of the big game.

Think of the

alligators as umpires.

- But wouldn't the

alligators be the other team,

metaphorically, I mean?

- OK, would you

just walk the rope?

- [whimpering]

[alligators growling]

- [panting]

- Uh, Nate, I think

the rope is fraying.

- Is it the rope or your ego?

- Ahh!

- It may have been the rope.

[siren wailing]

[machine beeping]

- PS 38 is cursed.

Our starting lineup

is in intensive care.

- Oh, OK, OK.

We can fix this.

Maybe they can delay the

game until everyone heals.

- Healing is for softies.

In my day, we didn't let

a few boo-boos stop us.

- We'll never win

that trophy now.

What'll we do, John?

- Maybe it's time

you and I headed

for that island paradise

we always talked about.

- Uh, we've never talked

about an island paradise.

- Then who did I

marry in Vegas?

- OK, would you snap

out of it, fellas?

This championship and my

glorious, yet selfless victory

can still happen.

We just need to find

some replacement players.

- This will look so good

on my college applications.

Everyone knows colleges

go nuts for sports.

- This is so exciting.

I mean, I thought

I actually had to be

athletic to be an athlete.

Rude.

- I have never before

been part of team.

In Stylgravia, all sports

are played in solitude

to encourage self-discovery.

This is why we play

with no clothes on.

[together]

Eww.

- Someone put a barrel on him.

- Educational.

- Ahh.

- All right, all right,

everyone, listen up.

I can't believe

I'm saying this,

but you are the last

remaining hope for PS 38

to win the championship.

This is your moment, Bobcats?

So get out there

and make me a hero.

[school bell ringing]

- OK, bud,

this game is called squash.

- Uh, this is really a sport?

- Of course it is.

Why else would they make

a vegetable that

goofy-looking, man?

Now, go ahead.

Whack that nom ball

against the wall.

- Actually, botanically

speaking, squash is a fruit.

But I get your point.

[inhales, exhales]

I can do this.

[bell dings]

[all cackling]

- Ahh! Ahh!

- Wonder if we were

supposed to peel it first.

- [grunts]

- Kim, after you hit

the ball, you have to run.

- I'm not a runner.

I'm a dancer.

- Finally it's happened

to me

Right in front

of my face

- [laughing]

- Somebody help!

I want off this ride!

- [sighs]

OK, Chad, I'm going to

lay it in nice and easy.

Keep your eye on the ball.

- Oh, I don't have to keep

my eye on the ball, Nate.

With biological sonar, I know

exactly where it's going.

- Biological so what now?

- Biological sonar,

or echolocation,

you know, like a dolphin?

[chirping]

- OK, Gina, what are you doing?

There's no writing in baseball.

- Excuse you, brainless?

I am taking notes.

- [groans]

Oh, OK.

Lose the notebook,

Gina, and take a lap.

Hillary, your turn to pitch.

Batter up.

[dramatic music]

- Huh?



- Ugh, maybe Francis had the

right idea to quit ba*ls.

- [screaming]

- It's hopeless.

I failed at every

non-ball sport.

I'll never get into college.

- I'm also a crisis hotline

counselor in training.

Unload your burdens, brother.

- I suppose there's

no harm in telling you.

Believe it or not,

only one short year ago,

I was on my way

to becoming a baseball hero.

I was having a great game.

I already had two hits.

We were down by 3,

and the bases were loaded.

- Heh-heh.

- Heh-heh.

I swung my bat, and then--

[all gasp]

- --I ran.

Crowd went crazy

cheering me on.

I'd done it!

Won the game!

[laughter]

- Or so I thought.

Something was wrong.

They weren't cheering.

They were laughing.

[laughter]

Then I saw it, the ball

in the catcher's mitt.

I was so caught

up in the moment,

I hadn't realized I'd

missed the ball completely.

I ran the bases

like a pea brain.

We lost,

and they just kept laughing.

I failed everyone.

- Oh, man,

little bro, that's rough.

What'd you do then?

- The only thing I could

do, I ran home crying

and vowed never to put myself

or my team in a position

like that again.

- Oh, man, I know I'm a

professional in training,

but can I give you

a hug or some hard candy?

- Please, no.

Now do you understand

why I can never play sports?

- Oh, now, hold on.

I'm sure there's

something we can do.

Here we go.

Crisis hotline manual says,

"Make sure and get

a callback number

in case you get disconnected."

Hey, you may receive

a questionnaire in five

to seven business

days asking how I did.

All 5s gets me a free

hot yoga workshop.

- Namaste.

- And then the

entire village was

attacked by angry chinchilla.

[all gasp]

- That does it.

- Ah, Captain Nate, please

have a seat for story cl*max.

As I was to say--

Ahh!

- The championship is

days away, and none of you

are ready.

Archer, enough with the

Stylgravian horror stories.

Kim, this isn't a dance class.

- [groans]

- And, Chad,

you're not a dolphin.

- We don't know that.

- Gina, get your nose

out of your notebook.

And, Hillary, you're slower

than a sloth in a sack race.

Pick up the pace.

[bubble pops]

- [sobs]

Make it stop.

- All right, you know what?

Never mind.

Here's what's going to happen.

I'm going to put you

right where I need you.

Don't try to win.

Don't do anything.

Don't even move.

I will win the

championship for us.

- Batter up.

- Oh.

- Whoo!

Hoo-hoo!

I am the luckiest

barrel boy in the world.

- Oh-oh, I got it.

- No!

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

Up you go, Chadwick.

- Ahh!

- Wah!

- Nate!

Watch out!

- [screams]

Oh!

[whimpers]

[slurping]

Ugh.

After I live out the rest of

my days in this human fishbowl,

my gravestone

will say, "Here lies

Nate Wright, not a champion."

- And that's what

it was all about--

- [groans]

--wasn't it?

I thought you just

broke your leg.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, my dad has

a small, but impressive

iron lung collection.

Wait, what are you doing here?

- I brought a little memento

from our time together.

- Uh, why would

I want a memento

of any time spent with you?

- Just read it, pinhead.

- [groans]

Fine.

"When Kim dances

on the base paths,

"she confuses the defense

and steals bases easily.

"Chad's batting average, when

using echolocation, is 965.

Hit hockey puck into the"--

check it out,

a light bulb moment.

Yep, I just might

be able to make

this team a winner after all.

[laughs] How did-- oh, wait.

With me stuck

in this tin coffin,

we're still one player short.

[gasps]

- Ugh. Can I help you, sir?

- Francis, we need to talk.

- Francis, the failed athlete,

can't come to the door

right now.

I'm fast-food Fred.

Would you like fries with that?

- Yeah, I don't have time

to care about whatever's

going on here.

I need you to play baseball.

- Baseball ruins lives,

so this is my future now.

- OK, OK, what if I told you

I have a foolproof,

100% non-mockable way

for you to play baseball?

- Please pick up your order

at the kitchen window.

- OK, I'm going

to take that as a yes.

- Two minutes till

game time, miscreants.

If you can't fill the

ninth spot in your lineup,

you'll have to forfeit

the championship game.

[cackling]

- What are we even doing here?

Our own captain

doesn't believe in us.

We stink.

- Wait.

Just give it

a little more time.

Come on, Nate, I'm not

getting into any colleges

by losing a championship game.

- Hey, guys,

I'm sorry I'm late.

- Ugh, can we hurry

up and forfeit now?

- Ha, ha, ha, oh, no.

We're not forfeiting, Bobcats.

We're playing.

- But we don't have

enough players with you

and your freaky contraption.

- Really?

My freaky contraption?

- It's a lifestyle choice, OK?

- Look, this is our ninth

player and our new catcher.

- Hey, guys.

- I thought you

said we were weirdos

who can't play baseball.

- I stand by that first part.

You guys are pretty weird.

[all groaning]

- But I didn't understand

at first what each of you

brought to the team.

Your weirdness actually

makes us better.

I'm sorry, guys.

A good captain listens to

his team, and well, I didn't.

I was too busy

being a glory hog.

It took losing

the use of my body

and being encased in a

pre-World w*r II life-support

system for me to see that.

- Lucky.

- Kim, I want you to

dance harder than you've

ever danced before.

- [chuckling]

- Chad, it's time to activate

your inner dolphin.

- [gasps]

[chirps]

- Artur, be the best nude

barrel boy you can be.

- [laughs]

Yay!

- And, Gina, I want you

to do what you do best.

- Ew, it's all sweaty.

- Yeah, sorry about that.

I have a gland issue.

Anyway, get out there and play

the weirdest and most awesome

game of baseball

this town has ever seen.

[all cheering]

- OK, you ingrown hairs,

let's play ball.

- All right, Francis,

you're up first.

- First?

First?

I don't know if I can do this.

- Buddy, buddy,

do you trust me?

- Uh, well, based on our

shared history, much of which

involves mental trauma

or physical injury, no!

- Look, you won't even

have to hit the ball.

I have a plan.

- Chop, chop, Mr. Pope.

[inspirational music]



- Bleh.

- Ahh, my eyes!

- Oof.

- Hit by pitch.

Batter, take your base.

- This is your plan?

- You got on base, didn't you?

- Francis Pope gets hit by the

pitch and walks to first base

as we officially

start the Rackleff

County Championship game.

Up to bat

is Gina Hemphill-Toms.

- Still believe,

still believe

- The pitch was five miles per

hour slower than your last.

You're already

losing steam, dorkus.

- [sobbing]

- Ball four.

Gina, take your base.

- [chuckling]

- [chirping]

- This is for all the dolphins

who never had a chance.

- I can do anything

[dramatic music]

- [chirps]

[cheers and applause]

- Got to rage

every day on the inside

The only thing I do

is sit around and k*ll time

I'm trying to blow

out the pilot light

I'm trying to blow

out the light

- Take your base, Francis.

- Was young enough not

to know what to believe in

- Oh. Oh.

- Ahh!

- If I can live

through this

If I can live

through this



- [moans]

[snoring]

- Strike three!

[cheers and applause]

That's another

strikeout for Hillary

and her famous changeup,

the creeping doom.

- If I can live

through this

- [gasps]

- Caw, caw, caw, caw.

- Ugh!

- Oh, for Pete's sake.

What is this, target practice?

- Anything, yeah, yeah

- Ah!

- [grunts]

- [groans]

- Safe!

- And that's another

run for the Bobcats,

thanks to

Kim-can't-catch-her-Cressly.

[laughing]

[dramatic music]

Well, folks,

this very, very strange game

has come down to this, bottom

of the ninth, two outs.

The score is tied, and Francis

Pope steps up to the plate.

Ha-ha.

- [whimpering]

- I know what you're

up to, Nate Wright,

and it's not going

to work this time.

I am confiscating

your accoutrements.

- [groans]

[screams]

[chuckling]

- What are we going to do now?

- There's only one

thing left to do.

You're going to have

to hit the ball.

- You said I could trust you.

- Francis, you can do this.

Just focus on hitting the

ball, like I know you can.

I'll take care of the rest.

- But they're all

going to laugh at me.

- I'm going to laugh at you.

- [sighs]

No.

They're all going

to laugh at me.

[dramatic music]

[screaming]

[moaning]

[laughter]

- They're not laughing at me.

- Hey, get your head

back in the game

and throw the dang ball.

[inspirational music]



- [cackling]

- I can do this.

- Ahh!



- Ugh!

[screams]

[groans]



[bell dings]

- That's it, folks.

PS 38 wins.

Unbelievable!

[cheers and applause]

An incredible

moment for Francis Pope

and a horribly

embarrassing

moment for Nate Wright.

[laughter]



- [sighs]

Oh!

[upbeat music]

- Take me out to

the ball game

Take me out with the crowd

Buy me some peanuts

and cr*cker Jacks

Crunch, crunch,

I don't care

If I ever get back

Oh yeah, take me

out to the ball game

Take me out with the crowd

Nailed it.