02x18 - Exes Machina

[bunniefuu]

- Hey!

Happy Halloween.

A little heads-up--

this episode's

a bit scarier than usual.

You might want

to grab a parent,

you know, for their protection.

- [whimpering]

- Me?

Yeah, you know,

that "supernatural stuff"

just-- it doesn't

do much for me anymore.

Every time I thought

it was the paranormal,

there was a simple,

albeit strange, explanation.

[whimpering]

[window tapping]

[thunder booms]

Ah!

[stammering]

Very funny, Ellen.

You can come out now.

- [heavy breathing]

- [gulps]

[gasps]

Spitsy?

- [howls]

- [stammering]

Hello?

Who is that?

What do you want?

- Oh, hey, pal.

I hope I didn't wake you.

Would you believe

they didn't have snacks

at Boom Boom's funeral?

- [groans]

Enough years of that

will harden a man.

I may not believe

in ghosts or any

of that other

hocus pocus stuff,

but I do believe in one thing--

- Hey!

- --candy!

And lots of it.

[upbeat music]

- Don't want to go

to school today

The sun is red hot

and I wanna play

But if I get caught

they'll make me pay

Detention again

- Big Nate, Big Nate

- Math and social studies

just ain't my thing

- Big Nate, Big Nate

- Rocking with my band

is where I'm king

Stealing the teacher's teeth

or bailing on a test

- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,

ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Big Nate

[loud clang]

[loud crash]

- [over PA]

Happy Halloween, PS 38.

I hope everyone's ready

to get their spook on.

Ooh.

Lunch today is grilled cheese,

pasta salad, and eyeballs.

Real ones.

Sweet.

[slurps]

- Oh, uh, no eyeballs for me.

I'm saving my appetite,

thank you very much.

- Friend Nate!

- Oh, Happy Halloween, Artur.

- Oh, yes, very happy.

Because I am having a very

scary Halloween party.

Will you be participant?

- Oh, no.

Sorry, bud.

I, uh, didn't get an invite.

- Friend Nate!

Ah!

- [screams]

Typical.

- You may not know this, Artur,

but I am the Halloween King,

a title I gave myself for being

awesome at trick or treating.

And this year, I plan on

breaking my personal candy

hoarding record.

- Oh, h*, h*!

Friend Nate, you have much

luck, because at party,

I am serving Stylgravia's

famous Swamp Cat candies.

- [mews, belches]

- How do you say

"no thanks" in Stylgravian?

- Stylgravians have

no word for "no,"

which is why we all sign up

for extended car warranties.

- Sorry, but I can't

sacrifice my Halloween

King title for a--

- Boo!

- Ahh!

[groans]

- [sighs]

- Hey, Teddy.

Can you just--

OK, I gotta get my

science book here.

- [groaning]

- Hey, uh, don't take

it personally, Artur.

It's me, not you.

It's very much you,

but it's really me in a totally

you kind of way, you know?

- [roaring]

- Ah!

I don't deserve this.

I don't deserve this life!

- [chuckles]

[A-ha's "Take On Me"]

- Happy Halloween, kids!

Happy Halloween, parking spot.

Aw, fudge.

I'm flying blind.

Trust your intuition, Wesley.

[loud crash]

What was that?

Huh?

Oh, no!

What have I done?

I've dented

an innocent child's bike!

[grunting]

Clear!

[electricity buzzing]

It's not working!

Ah!

Nobody saw.

Nobody saw, right?

Don't want anyone finding

out about your dark past.

[KT Tunstall's

"Suddenly I See"]

- Suddenly I see

- [screaming]

- Sorry!

Sorry!

Sorry!

Aw, I can't get in

another accident.

The school board said

they'd take away my license.

A principal ruined by scandal!

But only if I'm caught.

[thunder booming]

[grunting]

[tires squealing]

- As you all know, my spinal

fusion surgery went off

without a hitch this weekend.

Achoo!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Just play whatever's on

the learning station.

- And the pencil gets pushed

into the metal bracket that

then inserts into the eraser.

This episode is

brought to you by--

- "Ghost Detectives."

Do you like to chase ghosts?

- Ah!

- Ooh, this is one

of my favorite shows!

- Are spectral

encounters your thing?

- The power of

clown compels you!

Ah!

- Then send a video to

ghostsRreal@ghostproof.truth,

and you could be on TV.

"Ghost Detectives."

- Ghost Detectives not

responsible for skeptics

who anger ghosts

by not acknowledging

spiritual presence.

- And now back

for more pencils.

- Bro, we could be on TV!

We've just got to find

proof of a real-life ghost!

- Aw, sorry, Teddy.

Ghosts don't exist.

Good news, though--

free candy a-does.

And it's all over town

for one night only.

[together]

- One night only!

- Just 'cause you've

never seen a ghost

doesn't mean they don't exist.

Ah!

- I have seen ghost, friends,

at the Johnson House.

Ooh.

[thunder booming]

- The Johnson House?

You mean that creepy

place on the edge of town?

- Yes, super-creepy,

super-haunted.

Ooh.

- Sick!

Oh, this could be our

ticket to filming a ghost!

We could be on TV!

And the Johnson

house is our in!

Oh, that place is haunted.

I heard that one day the

owner was there, and the next,

she was--

[choking]

- But wait, there's more.

They say she died

of a broken heart,

and now her headless

body walks the floors

of the Johnson House

in a never-ending

search for revenge--

and tacos.

- Uh, this story has

some logic holes.

- I say we go tonight!

- Whoa, whoa, tonight?

- What fun.

We are all to go.

I will change my party

plan to accommodate

Friend Nate's schedule!

- Whoa, I am not in if it means

skipping trick or treating.

This is all the candy

I get for the year.

If I miss it, it's goodbye

Choco Chunk Chews and

hello cabbage-stuffed prunes.

Yuck!

I'm not risking it all on what

I know is a bunch of baloney.

- Nate, you are so wrong!

Ghosts are real.

- All right, all right.

I'll risk my night of trick

or treating to prove ghosts

aren't real because if I

win, I get your candy hoard.

- [gasps]

[dreamy music]

- You've been collecting that

candy since the first grade!

Are you prepared

to lose it all?

- Yes, for the cause.

One night at the Johnson

House to prove who's right.

- We call it at 9:00 p.m.

- Come on feel the noise

Girls rock your boys

- Hello, Rackleff.

Happy Halloween.

- Wild wild

[spooky music]



[whispering voices]

[owl hooting]

[crow squawking]

- Whoa, I have goosebumps.

Here, feel.

[ducks squawking]

- Cool.

Yeah, uh, thanks, Kim.

- [grunting]

- Ugh!

- Ah!

- Hmm.

Huh?

Oh!

Ah!

Ugh.

Ugh, place is even

scarier than Nate's house.

[doorbell rings]

[dramatic music]

- Who wants

cabbage-stuffed prunes?

[all screaming]

- [sighs]

- I won't argue about

the scare factor there,

but it has nothing to do with

ghosts, which are not real.

- Whoa, h*, h*.

Get that face ready

to be on TV, bro!

We've got a ghost to catch.

[spooky music]

[door creaking]

- Why did we agree

to this again?

- So Teddy could lose his

lifetime supply of candy to me

and to prove I'm right.

- Oh, we're going to

see who's right, Nate.

- [grunting]

- What are you doing, Francis?

- You know how

much fecal matter

we track on a daily basis?

- Fecal matter is the

least of your problems

in this house, bucko.

[rat chittering]

[water dripping]



[static droning]

- We should travel

light, guys, in case

we have to make a fast exit.

- Weird.

I'm picking something up.

[dramatic sting]

Ah!

- [clears throat]

Bring it on, ghosts!

Make me

Believe

[loud thudding]

- Uh, did anybody

else hear that?

- Oh, stop messing

around, Teddy.

- I didn't do anything.

[footsteps thudding]

[machine beeping]

- Nice.

- [chuckling]

[door creaking]

[children giggling]

- Ahh!

- It's just poorly

insulated drywall

letting a whispery draft in.

- [stammering]

Prove it!

- OK.

See?

Nothing here.

Now let's keep

searching the house.

[door slamming]

- I'm a real ghost.

- [sighs] Time to forget

all about that bike.

Just focus on giving out candy.

Karma will work out the rest.

- A child's

bicycle went missing

today outside of PS 38.

- Oh!

[teeth shattering]

Ah!

- Mayor Klatchko

reassures citizens--

- Bike slayer

loose in Rackleff!

It could be anyone, even you!

- Me?

You can't prove it!

Innocent till proven guilty!

- Ow!

Ow!

- "Student detectives

use social media

"to close in on suspect.

Artist's rendering"?

Ahh!

Keep it together, Wesley.

KIT.

Keep It Together.

Scrub the guilt away.

Scrubby scrub now.

[bicycle bell ringing]

Scrubby scrub scrub.

[thunder booming]

"I know what you fid."

What I "fid"?

What does that mean?

"I know what you did!

'Fid' was a typo."

[glass shattering]

Ahh!

I gotta get rid of this bike.

[thunder booming]

[door slamming]

- [gasps]

[footsteps pattering]

- Eerie sounds

in the Johnson House

Like creaking floorboards,

laughing children

- Muffled screaming

- But I won't admit it

[together]

Come on

- I can't admit it

[together]

Unreal

- Then what was that?

- Leaky pipes

- Oh, yeah, and that?

- I think the wind

- Just admit it

- I can't admit it

- Then what was that?

- Uneven floorboard

- Oh, yeah, and this?

- Somebody's spinal cord

- But there was laughter

- Upstairs tenants

- It's his house, though

- Then the rafters

Guys

I won't admit it

- But there was proof

- A broken roof

- OK, and this?

- Not a ghost, miss

- OK, but that?

- An old pot roast, miss

- But not a ghost?

- Not a ghost

- But did you think

it's a coincidence

When we've got real proof

[together]

Of ghostly incidents?

- I won't admit it

- Nate, please

- It's almost nine

- That candy is mine

- Uh, guys?

- You'll be fine

- It's not that, though

- I won't admit it

- I said not that, though

- All our stuff

[together]

Time to admit it

[screaming]

- [cackling]

- Come on.

Come on.

There's got to be someplace

I can toss this bike.

[tires screeching]

In you go!

Ha!

No.

No, no, no, no!

Ah!

[tires screeching]

Oh, come on!

Why?

[frog croaks]

[insane laughing]

KIT.

Keep It Together.

KIT.

Keep It Together.

[insane laughing]

[mumbles]

[metal rattling]

[faint bicycle bell ringing]

[dramatic music]

[screams]

- I'm sure there's a

logical explanation here.

I mean, stuff goes missing

in my house all the time.

- I got to get my shoes back!

They're medically form-fitted

to my plantar fasciitis.

- Really?

That's what you're

worried about right now?

- Wait, pause it.

Rewind, like, four seconds.

OK, pause.

- Nice.

- Now enhance that image.

Enhance.

Now enhance that.

- I can't enhance it anymore!

- Ugh, this is ridiculous.

- Right there!

- Boom!

Ghost on camera.

Ooh, yeah!

- Seriously?

[laughs]

That?

That could be anything.

- It does appear

to, you know, float.

- It's different

from Stylgravian ghost,

which, in my culture,

is very, very hairy,

like if there was

a bear who was also

lion, who was also my father.

- Back to your room.

- Yeah, I don't know

what to tell you guys,

but ghosts aren't real!

So there's got to be something

around here that caused

a floating orb to show up.

Hmm.

- No way!

We have it on camera, Nate!

It's a ghost!

Just admit that it's real.

I won the bet.

- Yeah, all we have is a lens

flare and a bunch of stuff

that we can't find right now.

- Careful, Nate.

If this ghost is here,

the ghost detectives

said they don't like skeptics.

[whimpering]

- Pfft.

[chittering]

There's the culprit.

OK, ghosts!

If you're here with us,

give us a sign.

Yeah, yeah, please,

we'd love to chat.

Well, then,

I think that just about--

- Uh.

[all gasp]

- [breathing rapidly]

- [gasps]

- That-- that was a

a coincidence.

[together]

Seriously?

- My name is Charles!

[thunder booming]

- Forgive me, Zora,

for I have sinned.

- Sin?

I am very sorry for

you, but you have

come to wrong establishment.

You go now.

- But-- but what am I

going to do about this?

- Ah.

It is like that.

- Yes.

- I will need

payment in advance.

- Take it.

Take it all!

I've got drink

vouchers for Rackleff's

paddleboat rentals--

all-you-can-sip

Shirley Temples!

- OK, I dispose of

body for you now.

- Body?

Zora, I ran over a bicycle.

- Next time, I'm thinking

you lead with this.

This can be taken care of--

off of record, of course--

but listen very carefully.

[thunder booming]

- Uh, we're all

still here, right?

Chad?

- Chad was never here.

- I wasn't?

[all gasping]

- Chad, don't do that!

- Uncool, bro!

- [gasps]

It gets me every time!

Ah!

[loud thumping]

[wind howling]

[all screaming]

- Ah!

[thunder booming]

[all screaming]

- Oh, phones are dead!

- Oh, the 1920s

vintage candlestick

phone doesn't work?

- OK, OK, we got to

make a run for it.

- There's a ghost

in the front yard!

- Uh, we don't know

that's a ghost.

- I am not responding to that!

- Wait a sec!

Remember what the Ghost

Detectives commercial said?

- Right!

"Ghost Detectives are not

responsible for skeptics

who anger ghosts by not

acknowledging their presence."

- If we acknowledge

scary phantasm,

it won't be angry with us.

We will live to be

best friends forever.

- But we all have

to acknowledge it.

Nate?

- Yeah, sure.

Yeah, no, acknowledge it.

Cool.

Or we don't risk

our lives, and we

just dip out the back windows!

- Sounds good to me.

Let's go.

- Alternatively, we ever so

quietly go around the ghost

and go home to hug our parents.

[indistinct chatter]

[thunder booming]

[all gasping]

- What's it doing, Francis?

- How should I know?

- Uncle Pedro told

me about this!

It's making offerings

to its former body.

- Can we go now, please?

- You guys go ahead.

I might stick around and watch.

- Same.

[thunder booming]

- [growling]

- [screaming]

- [growling]

- OK, when I say "now," we

beeline for the same rope

we came in on.

Ready?

- Wait, wait,

where's the ghost?

[thunder booming]

[all screaming]

- Now!

[all screaming]

- [grunting]

- Guys!

Help!

- Huh?

- Help!

- We lost Nate!

- Oh, it's too

late for him now!

He would have

wanted it this way!

- Yeah, I can still hear you,

and I don't want it this way!

- [whimpering]

Ah!

Guys, seriously help!

- You gotta see

the ghost, Nate!

- What are you

even talking about?

I do see it!

It's like 10 feet away.

- No, like,

really see it, believe in it,

acknowledge its presence!

- Aw, you're just

trying to get me

to do that so you win our bet!

[together]

Nate!

- Ugh!

OK, OK, fine!

Please don't hurt me!

I believe in ghosts now, OK?

I believe!

- Hmm?

[together]

Principal Nichols?

- Ruh-roh.

- Nate?

Kids?

What are you all doing here?

- We could ask you

the same question.

- [sobbing]

I didn't mean to do it!

It was an accident!

It was an accident!

[sobbing]

- [gasps]

My special dented bicycle!

- Huh?

I'm-- I'm sorry.

Did you say "dented," as in

your bike was already dented?

- Why, yes.

I receive it in

special Stylgravian

bicycle denting ceremony.

It's every child's

9 and 3/4 of age ritual.

- So you're not

going to report me?

- Oh, of course not.

Oh, I thought it

to be lost forever.

- Zora's apology ritual,

it worked!

Luckily,

she could read Stylgravian.

[all gasping]

- What's he talking

about, Artur?

- Surprise!

Welcome to my Halloween Party!

- Your what?

- This is not haunted

Johnson House.

It's actually

Stylgravian Embassy

that I turn into a terrifying

chamber of horrors for fun.

- Wait a sec.

So this was all you?

- Yes, it is all me.

Very scary, yes?

- The whispers in the vents,

the flickering lights--

all you?

- Yes, me!

Friend Artur!

- The creepy children

in the attic?

- Actually, these

children are leaving here.

They are what you

call squatters.

[children cackling]

- Wow.

Well played, Artur.

I almost believed in

ghosts there for a second.

- Whoa, almost?

You said "I believe."

- That was actually just to get

the ghost to think I believed.

Ha, I mean, obviously.

- Are you kidding?

- Teddy, please, relax.

I'll share some of

your candy with you.

What can I say?

I'm a generous guy.

[The Cure's

"Just Like Heaven"]

- [giggles] I feel so

light and unburdened.



- Best Halloween party ever!

- Well, hey there.

I brought some

cabbage-stuffed prunes.

Where should I put

these bad boys?

- Well, there's no

denying it, Artur.

You are definitely this

year's Halloween King.

- Oh, me?

The king?

- Yeah, yeah,

King of Halloween,

uh, for this year only.

And don't repeat that.

- I am Halloween King!

[foreboding music]



- Can I be your

Halloween Queen?

[all screaming]

- Ahh!

[gasping]

Ahh!

[mirror shatters]

- Suit yourself.

Happy Halloween!

[cackling]

Ow!

[door slams]

[sniffing]

Do I smell tacos?

- And now back

for more pencils.

- There's no thrill like

that of a masterfully built

carbon-based

writing implement,

a tour de force

of human engineering.

I am beside myself

with wonder.

My mere mortal shell

can scarcely contain joy

as I behold the quintessence

of creation,

a simple yet perfect

wooden instrument

with only the eraser's mercy

between it and greatness.