02x23 - The Unsittable One

[bunniefuu]

[gentle music]

[dogs barking]

- This is my dad,

Martin Wright.

- [yips happily]

Once upon a time,

he was the saddest,

most unfulfilled dad I knew.

All that changed

when the mystery boxes

started arriving.

Didn't matter what was inside.

The box filled a need

- [howls]

[all howl]

A hole in my dad.

Finally, he was happy,

a new man, upbeat, confident,

cool even.

Maybe not cool.

Let's not get carried away.

- [laughs]

[dogs barking]

Nate, my beautiful boy,

look, another mystery box.

Isn't it wonderful?

- Yeah, sure is, Dad.

Have fun.

- [grunts]

[chuckles]

- Ellen's out babysitting

till late,

and Dad's got his mystery box,

which means an evening

of sweet, sweet Nate time.

[upbeat rock music]

Butt cheeks do-da-da-doo--

[growls]

Butt cheeks

- [grunts]

- Hey, come on.

I was watching/listening/--

- Shh!

Is she out there?

Is she still out there?

- Who?

- I don't know her name.

I don't know who she is.

I just know she's following me!

Look!

[thunder booms]

- Mm!

[menacing music]

Yeah, okay.

There's nobody there.

[wind whistles]

[dramatic musical sting]

Is that her?

- Uh.

[dramatic music]

Aah!

[gasps]

- Hmm.

Well, that's a little weird.

[upbeat music]

- Don't want to go

to school today

The sun is red hot

and I wanna play

But if I get caught

they'll make me pay

Detention again

- Big Nate, Big Nate

- Math and social studies

just ain't my thing

- Big Nate, Big Nate

- Rocking with my band

is where I'm king

Stealing the teacher's teeth

or bailing on a test

- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,

ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Big Nate

[loud clang]

[loud crash]

- Ellen, what's goin' on?

- I went to my regular

babysitting job,

and when I got to the house,

she was there.

She stole the job right out

from under me.

- Wait, wait, wait,

you just let her run you off?

- She's terrifying,

said I can't babysit

in Rackleff anymore.

The whole town is off-limits.

- No, that can't be right.

- I only babysit to pay

for Dad's mystery boxes.

And without that money,

his subscription

is gonna run out,

like, immediately.

- Wait, what? No!

His subscription can't stop.

He'll go back to being old,

sad Martin.

I don't want old, sad Martin.

I like happy and fulfilled

Mystery Box Martin,

like when he got that box

of hunky carnival cutouts

from Cut It Out

Cut Carnival Cutouts.

- [straining]

[chuckles]

- Hey, sailor, need a place

to drop that anchor?

- Ooh.

- And then there was

the box containing

the British prime minister.

- I was just asking

the prime minister here about

the gross national product.

I mean, what's so gross

about it?

Huh?

Huh?

[laughter]

- So you guys see the problem,

no babysitting money,

no more mystery boxes, ergo,

no more new and improved Dad.

- What?

[tires screeching]

But your lame dad has become

the neighborhood fun dad.

- Yeah, he lets us

eat whatever we want,

zero adult supervision.

That's great parenting.

- And don't forget

all the great stuff

that came in the boxes,

like Dim Sum Pizza Bagel

Delivery Robot.

- Cheng-sek gei-goh deem sum

pizza bagel.

- So warm.

- No more neighborhood fun dad.

- Where will we go?

What will we do?

- Noh dei sei-lah!

- Well, we've got

to do something.

- Like what?

- We need to get eyes

on this babysitter.

[mysterious playful music]



- [giggles, squeals]

- Hmm.



[water bubbling]

[doorbell chimes]

- [gasps]

[[camera shutter clicks]

- Huh?

Hmm.

- Okay, I saw her at 7:03 p.m.

babysitting for the McCreedys.

- We saw her at the Garcias'

at the exact same time.

- And I clocked her

at 7:00 p.m.

just arriving at the Guptas'.

- How can she be at three

places at the same time?

- Obviously,

she's a time witch.

My uncle Pedro caught two

of them last year.

[gasps]

Or was it next year?

- Well, she's still

a teenage girl,

which means she just

might be susceptible

to a Nate Wright charm b*mb.

[laughs]

- Ow!

- [chuckles]

Hey there, uh, beautiful.

[dog barks]

- Uh, I just wanna ask you

a favor.

- [whistles]

[children giggle]

- All right,

let's get down to business.

So I was thinking, if you could

just let my sister, Ellen, have

a few of

her old babysitting gigs?

- [whines]

- No.

- Look, uh, ha ha.

I didn't wanna have to go here,

but, uh, I can make

your life difficult.

[cackles] I know people.

- Oh, you know people, do you?

Oh, that's rich.

Let me tell you something,

Little Nate,

We own this town.

- We?

[dramatic music]

- Yes.

[together] We.

[all laughing deviously]

- Uh

- Ah, triplets.

Man, I was so close.

- We gotta find out more.

Let's ask the people

they babysit for.

[knock at door]

Hi there, Mrs. Gao.

Uh, we're looking

for info about

some babysitting triplets.

Uh, have you ever--

The babysitting triplets?

Triplets.

Trip--lets!

[mysterious music]

- Clearly, no one is talking.

- Hey, Mr. Rosa's

got a ton of kids.

He'll know something,

and he'll talk.

- Hello.

[all laugh nervously]

I don't know anything

about any triplets.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, uh, ha.

Let's be reasonable,

or, uh [clears throat]

Might become public knowledge

that a certain art teacher

at PS38

has been eating the crayons!

- I like to taste the colors.

[groans]

Okay, Nate, you win.

I'll tell you what I know,

but you did not hear

this from me.

[quietly] All three

of them showed up

when my oldest was just a baby.

I didn't even

want a babysitter.

But they made me an offer

I couldn't refuse.

- It's really important

that you have a babysitter.

I mean, those swing sets

sure can be really dangerous.

- Be terrible

if something happened.

But accidents, they occur.

- Unless we are

your babysitters.

- Your only babysitters.

- [whines]

- I had to agree.

I just had to.

Were you followed?

They don't know

you're here, do they?

- Where do they live, Mr. Rosa?

Is there anything

you can tell us?

- They run their business

out of a little shed

up in the woods,

but I said too much already.

You have to leave now,

right now!

[both yelp]

[dogs barking]

- Huh?

[howls]

[car horn honks]

[cheerful music]

[melancholic music]

[blubbers, wails]

- Nate, you gotta hurry.

The subscription has run out,

no more mystery boxes.

Papa Bear is spiraling.

Repeat, Papa Bear is spiraling.

- Copy that, sis.

We have to see just what

these triplets are up to.

[adventurous music]

[owl squawks]



- [screams]

- We need to get inside

that shed,

scope out

this babysitting cartel,

see just how

the sausage gets made.

- They makes sausage?

What?

- We need to get those triplets

away from that shed.

And I have a plan.

[bittersweet music]

- [sighs]

[gasps] A mystery box.

[whimpers]

[gasps] A mystery box.

[sighs]

[whines]

- Oh, I say,

this rather reminds me

of that time

in parliament when I--

- Zip it, Mr. Prime Minister.

- Jolly good.

- Okay, I've come up

with one of my amazing plans.

And here it is.

One, I set up three separate

babysitting emergencies

to lure the triplets away

from their shed.

Then using the newly built

quadruplex on Maple Street,

I'll masquerade as the parent

in three different disguises.

Chad, of course, will play

the part of the baby.

- Ooh! Yay!

[laughs]

- Two, Dee Dee and Francis

will infiltrate the shed

to copy important information.

- [screams]

[chitters]

- Be careful.

The triplets are gonna have

set up deadly booby traps.

But it's nothing

you two can't handle.

[chuckles]

[both grunting]

- And the third thing,

what do I do?

- You need to keep my dad

from completely losing it.

Make boxes, lots and lots

of mystery boxes.

[upbeat music]

[light accordion music]

[toy squeaks]

Meanwhile, Chad and I

will be doing our best

to keep the triplets

distracted.

- Oh!

- Play our cards right,

it should give you guys

just enough time

to get into that shed

and find whatever it is

they're hiding.

[eerie music]



[both gasp]

[together] Hmm.

- [laughs delightedly]

Boxes!

Hey! Aww.

Gimme, gimme, gimme.

[pants furiously]

- Whoa. Do you think they work

for every family in Rackleff?

- I don't know, maybe.

[gasps]

Francis, I found something.

- We need to make a copy.

[both grunting]

[adventurous music]



- Bleh. Hmm.

- Hmm?

- [laughs sheepishly]

- I don't know what

you think you're doing.

- Uh, you know,

ha ha, just trying

to raise this little scamp

the best way I know how.

- I am a handful.

- Wait, if we're all here,

no one's at the shed.

- Oh, no.

[copier beeps]

both: Yeah.

- Francis, Francis!

Code Red! Code Red!

The triplets are

on their way back!

- I'm out of boxes

for your dad.

- Francis, Dee Dee,

get out of there, now!

- But we found

something important!

[copier beeps rapidly]

both: Aah!

- We're making a copy,

but the copier keeps jamming.

[suspenseful music]

[both groan]

- Just use your phone.

- It does that?

- Oh, yeah.



- Hmm.

[together] Hmm.

- [whimpers nervously]

[together] Hmm.

- Done.

[both grunting]

- Aah! Aah!

- [sniffs] There's been

a warm copier in here.

both: Aah!

- Wow, this list is amazing.

The triplets have the names

and addresses of every family

in Rackleff with young kids.

- Oh, it's bigger than that.

They've got pregnant couples,

couples from matchmaking apps,

records of engagement rings

being sold.

- Right down

to who gave whom a valentine.

- They've even got a section

on middle-school crushes.

Look, here's a page

on Jenny and Artur.

- Okay, I'll just, uh--

I'll keep that,

you know, for, uh

[clears throat] Uh, research.

- The triplets have a complete

monopoly on babysitting.

- Hmm, not quite.

Looks like there's one baby

they want no part of.

"Beware the Unsittable One.

"He will destroy us.

Remember Loretta."

We need to find this Loretta.

Okay, we've gone through

every Loretta

in the phone book.

According to my calculations,

the last one should be

around here somewhere.

- Hey, Loretta!

Get out there

and get our meatballs

in people's mouths, huh?

- Meatball? Meatball?

Me-meatball?

[timidly] Meatball?

Meatball?

- That's her. That's Loretta.

- [gasps]

I knew it, a fourth triplet.

- Wait, so she was part

of the babysitting ring,

but now she's

a free sample meatball girl?

- Meatball?

- What happened?

- Meatball?

- Hey, uh, Loretta?

Uh, can you tell us

about the, um

[clears throat] Unsittable One?

- Unsittable One, unsittable,

unsittable, unsittable.

218, Bentwater Drive

[evil laughter]

Stay away. Stay--

Bentwater Drive. No!

[screams]

- 218 Bentwater?

That's my address.

- Which means--

- [gasps]

The Unsittable One is

my little brother, Humberto.

- Are you sure

about this, Nate?

All this just

for some babysitting money?

- Oh, it's gone beyond

babysitting money.

Dad is a complete mess.

I mean, just look at him.

- The box is empty. I am empty.

The box and I are the same.

The box and I are one.

I am the box.

- Those triplets

are going down.

- We've got the security

shutters from my house

installed on all

your windows and doors.

- All right!

- To activate them,

pull this lever.

[spirited music]

- But remember,

you have to close the shutters

from the inside.

You'll have five seconds

to make it out

before you're locked in here.

- Ah. Plenty of time.

Now all we need is

our secret weapon.

[banging on door]

Huh?

[all gasp]

- Speak of the devil.

- Literally.

- [coos]

- I give you

my little brother, Humberto.

- This is him?

But he looks so cute

and so innocent.

Aww.

- Do not let him fool you.

- [babbles happily]

- The Unsittable One.

Now, to bait the trap.

[clears throat]

Uh, greetings, triplets.

Nate Wright calling.

- We know.

- All right, look, I got a copy

of your list,

and I'm willing

to trade it for peace.

Let's just end all of this.

- Why would you do that?

- Well, because you were right

when you said

you own this town.

I just want out,

out of the whole thing.

- Okay, when? Where?

- My house, ten minutes.

- It's a trap.

- Obviously.

But we're not about

to pass up the chance

to take down Little Nate.

- In his own home.

[all cackle]

[mysterious music]



- Overwatch to Exorcist,

you have inbound.

- Copy.

The triplets have landed.

[approaching footsteps]

[tense music]



Hello, triplets.

Here to, uh, close our deal?

- Ha ha, no.

- We're here to close you.

- Any last words, Little Nate?

[all snicker]

- Just these.

[grunts]

Say hello to my little fiend.

[laughs]

[together]

It's the Unsittable One!

[dramatic music]

- [laughs evilly]

- [gasps]

[screams]

[The Unsittable One cackles]

- Please, no, please, no!

[thunderous crash]

[serene music]



- Aah!

[whimpers]



[alarm blaring]

[glass shatters]

- [screams in slo-mo]

- [in slo-mo] Aah!

- [in slo-mo] Come on, Nate.

You can do it.

- [screams]

[grunts]

[gasps]

[panting nervously]

Guys, no, no, no!

Wait, not like this,

not like this!

- Oh, no.

Nate didn't make it out.

- Oh, he is so de-lifed.

[tense music]

- Aah! Gulp.

Uh, tr-triplets?

Humberto?

- Demon toddler,

walking terror

His mama,

he wouldn't spare her

Change my diaper,

we'll have fun

Lay a hand

and lose a thumb

Unsittable, Unsittable

Non potes currere

et non abscondere

Unsittable, Unsittable

Sacrificium es,

optime succumbere

His craving, rabid

Favorite entrée,

lehce materna

Muy picante

Enfant terrible,

dybbuk spawn

His thoughts corrupted

Far begone

- Spinning gold.

Spinning gold into dross.

My gain, your loss.

Your loss!

- Unsittable, Unsittable

Daemonium in minima puero

- Aah!

- Unsittable, Unsittable

Clamamus?

Ridet c*m gaudio

- [screams, gasps]

- Here's Humberto!

[laughs maniacally]

- Aah!

- [groans weakly]

- Have a nice tripsy.

See you next fallsy.

[cackles]

- [yelps]

- [vocalizing hauntingly]

- Whoo-ooh, whoo-ooh

- Aah!

[grunts]

- [giggles creepily]

Said the spider to the fly,

"Why does it cry?

Why does it cry?"

- [grunts] How many of these

stupid boxes did Teddy make?

[suspenseful music]

- Ooh, look.

Last Nate standing.

- Hang on, Humberto.

It's me.

I'm your brother's best friend.

- [laughs deviously]

[distorted] Not for long.

- [gulps]

- [shrieking]

- [yelps, pants]

[upbeat rock music]

- [cackling]

[snarls]



Nate!

- [gasping]

- Nate!

[walkie-talkie beeps]

- Nate, are you okay?

- No. Listen, guys.

I got a bad feeling

about this one.

I don't think

I'm gonna make it out.

- Nate, don't say that.

Don't you ever say that!

But if you don't, can I make

your room my hot yoga spa?

- Did Humberto do that thing

with the packing tape

across the doorway?

- Yeah, that's exactly

what he did.

- Oh! I hate that one.

He calls it spider's kiss.

[shudders]

Sorry, Nate,

I think you're toast.

- Oh, come on!

There must be something

that'll calm him down.

- Oh, yeah, only his woobie.

- Oh, yeah, of course,

the woobie.

I should have guessed--

well, what's a woobie?

- Ah, it's just

some creepy doll.

Puts him right to sleep,

but it's--

[gasps]

- It's what? What?

- Nate, Nate, the woobie.

It's inside your house.

I put it in one of your dad's

fake mystery boxes.

Find it.

Find the woobie, Nate,

and you might stand a chance!

[dramatic music]

- Teddy, there's, like,

1,000 boxes in here.

Why would you put

the one thing

that stops the demon baby

in a mystery box?

- Uh, dramatic tension?

- [laughs creepily]

- Oh, it's too late!

He found me.

- [laughs]



[groaning maniacally]

[cackling]

- Uh-oh. Aah!

Come on. Come on.

[frenetic rock music]



Aah!

- [bellows]

[laughs]

- No, no, no.

Wait, Humberto.

Let's talk about this.

[groans]

- Behold, I am the mystery

of the box.

Look on my works,

ye mighty, and despair.

- [gasps] The woobie!

- Oh. Hi, Nate.

What's with the giant baby?

- [growls]

- Dad, throw me that woobie!

[dramatic music]

[fan clicks]

Whoa!

[screaming]



- Woobie.

[snores]

- Whew.

- Woobie.

[baby laughs]

[serene music]



- Oh, this quite reminds me

of when I had to spend time

with the lower classes.

[screams]

- Uh, I'm done

with the mystery boxes.

The quality control

just isn't there anymore.

- Hey, I work with what I had.

- [groans woozily]

- Well, quadruplets,

it's been nice knowing ya.

- Meatball?

Meatball? Meatball?

- You'll pay for messing

with the family.

[dramatic music]

See you soon, Little Nate.

- I knew it,

fifth triplet surprise,

classic twist.

- Yeah, we should have figured.

Okay, g*ng,

one last thing to do.

[laughs] Mission accomplished,

Big Nate style.

all: Yeah.

[adventurous music]

- Um, Nate,

can we unfreeze now?

It's starting

to get a little warm.

[together] Nate?

[all scream]

- Demon toddler,

walking terror

His mama,

he wouldn't spare her

Change my diaper,

we'll have fun

Lay a hand

and lose a thumb

Unsittable, Unsittable

Non potes currere

et non abscondere

Unsittable, Unsittable

Sacrificium es,

optime succumbere

[vocalizing]

[rock music]