02x04 - Cave c*ck

[bunniefuu]

[woman vocalising]

♪♪

Hello.

Hello.

Bonjour!

Okay, what is
the prettiest thing
you've ever seen?

My prom dress.

If you could carve your face
into a mountain,

would you do it?

Of course.
Mount Everest.

Okay.

Do you think it would help you
stop thinking about Drea

and help me stop thinking
about my parents

if we did lots
of lunges today?

I can't.
Drea's coming over.

Oh.

Um, so, so I need you
to leave now.

Okay.

[cow mooing ringtone]

Hey, Barb.

I learned
something concerning

about tomatoes.

Oh, no, what now?
What's happening with tomatoes?

This podcast I listened to

said that they make
your vag*na taste bad.

Barb, that's ridiculous.

How would they even
research that?

They did research it!

Oh, those poor mice.

It makes sense.
Something to do with the acid.

Barb, it's not true.

And even if it was,

I promise you,
any boy close enough

to tell you
would be just so grateful.

Just so, so grateful.

They won't be casting
a critical eye.

I gotta go.

Barb:
No one's gonna
tell me to my face.

They'll just disappear,
but I'll know why.

Hmm. Bye, Barb.

♪♪

Hi.

I'm not annoyed
by his milk jugs, actually.

I'm just, I'm just not.

Usually, I would think,
"Very, very silly,"

but I don't,
I think they're charming.

Is this what
unconditional love is?

Don't you think maybe
love should be conditional?

Yes!
Yes. And yet...

Okay. Um...

Listen. So, I've...
I've decided to, um...

to put myself out there.

Go on.

I find myself
having done something.

Mm-hmm.

Sort of made a video
for YouTube.

Ah.

And that's, um...

That's embarrassing
for your generation too?

It is.

I haven't decided
if I'm going to post it.

I need feedback.

I don't think anyone's
ever asked me for feedback.

Big day.

Genevieve [over monitor]:
...and lastly,
I'd like to thank

my sponsor
Stuart the Blacksmith.

And remember
to use the code
"Horseshoe Stu"

when haggling
for a great price
on iron belt buckles.

A la prochaine!

I'm finished!

-So?
-So?

What did I think
about your video essay

on Joan of Arc's
overlooked mum?

Yeah.

-Gorgeous.
-Really?

Effortlessly informative
with perfectly pitched whimsy.

I'm not sure
what to do now.

Well, I think
you'll show other people.

No, no, absolutely not.

You know...

all Joan of Arc wanted,

was she wanted
to be out there,

spinning that wool, man.

She wanted to be
out there with her mum,

spinning the wool.
But she couldn't do it.

Why couldn't she do it?

'Cause she had
a higher calling.

She was burned
at the stake.

...and lastly,
I'd like to thank

my sponsor
Stuart the Blacksmith.

And remember
to use the code
"Horseshoe Stu"

when haggling
for a great price
on iron belt buckles.

A la prochaine!

[laughs] Wow!

That was...
so amazing, Genevieve!

That was so good,
Genevieve.

Alex:
Just like so funny and clever.

Just like... Ahh!

So delightful.

Drea:
I agree.

Yes. I thought
it was very good.

It's good to try
new things.

I've been trying
new things.

I found creative projects

are really helpful when
I was in a dark place.

You should be
really proud, Genevieve.

Hmm.

Oh...

Nicholas:
Do you guys
wanna see my video?

I didn't make it.

It's the movie
Moulin Rouge.

♪♪

[Drea chuckles]

Is this green or red?

-Green.
-Okay.

Matilda:
Isn't using chakra stones

when you're colorblind
a little dangerous?

I don't know.

I'm still
figuring it out.

I trust you.

Do you like that too?

The way he smells
his glass of water
every time?

Yeah.

Yeah, I like it.

He smells everything.

He's my little
truffle pig.

Okay. I've... I have
something new to tell you.

Okay.

I deleted the video.

Well, that's a shame.

Quite thoroughly.

I deleted the movie,
then emptied the trash

and deleted it
from the camera

and threw away
the backdrop

and now I don't
have it anymore.

Nicholas: But...

Okay. No. Cool.
How about this?

How about we race
Allison and Rosemary?

Do you wanna do that?

Yeah.

Nicholas:
Oh, no, no, no.
In here.

[cow mooing ringtone]

Hello.

Barb [over phone]:
Mom got hurt feelings

that I wouldn't eat
her tomato Bolognese,

and then
I couldn't tell her why.

So I told her I was on
an anti-inflammatory diet,

and now she thinks I can't
have dairy or carbs either.

I'm so hungry.

Barb, even if tomatoes

does make your vag*na
taste a certain way,

you're the only one
not eating them.

Whatever tomatoes does
to vaginas is the expectation.

It's been established.

Oh. That's a really
interesting perspective.

I'll have to
think about that.

[cow mooing ringtone]

Hello?

Barb [over phone]:
I asked my mom

if I could adopt
a cat yesterday,

and she said no,

because when I was nine,

I forgot to feed my mouse

and it ate its babies.

But don't you think
that's so unfair?

I mean, I was nine.

When is she gonna realize
I'm mature now?

Bye.

Hi.

Isn't it weird that when adults
teach you about being a teenager

there's so much about
using condoms

and none about what to do
when you wake up

wanting to be a vlogger?

"Taking up space,"

like dairy,
has never been something

that sits well with me.

My philosophy
has always been,

"Leave no trace," but...

just because
that's how I have been,

doesn't mean that's how
I need to be, right?

So I put on
my big-girl pants

and I made my video.

And I tried.
I tried hard.

I set up lights,
I wore a bonnet.

I was ready to take space,

just one tiny, microscopic,
little piece of data

in the corner of just one
Silicon Valley warehouse

and make it mine.

But first,
I had to show my family,

hoping for
their approval.

And they gave it.

And I couldn't trust it.

My brother's
boyfriend said,

"It was delightful,"

and I've never felt
more betrayed.

He needs to stop lying
to be nice,

that guy, it just...

It isn't safe.

And my brother
believes all his lies.

which led him to buying
an $80, like a, um...

like, uh...

I don't... I don't even
know how to describe it,

like a bow that goes around
a grown man's neck

that isn't a bow tie?

He looked so dumb
in that bow, guys.

So, so dumb.

Turns out,

maybe,

that I'm incapable
of believing feedback

unless it's negative.

So I convinced myself
I must delete my video.

I don't know.
I thought I'd feel nice.

Like when Marie Kondo makes you
throw out your Rollerblades,

but it didn't.

I just felt like
I was a little b*tch.

Um, that brings us to now.

And now I have this video.

And I don't know,
what can I say?

Can't actually imagine
posting it,

though I suppose
if you're seeing this,

then I must have.

Look at me
learning my lesson.

I guess I was
a swan all along.

And I've logged
into YouTube,

and used
my big, long swan neck

to press "upload"
on my video.

In conclusion,
I guess you could say

that I actually invented
believing in yourself.

So, you're welcome.

Please, God, subscribe.

-Who wrote that down there?
-Who wrote what down where?

Do you know them?
They called you
a "little b*tch."

I don't, but it doesn't matter.
Did you like the video?

They can't
get away with that.

-They can.
-Mm-mmm.

Nope. I'm gonna
tell on them.

Nicholas, my video,
it-it was quite good,

like, it-it was okay?

Oh, sweetie, actually,
yeah, it was so good.

It was incredible.

[toothbrush buzzing]

Matilda:
I liked your other video more.

I liked that I
learned something.

I did too.

Okay.

[cow mooing ringtone]

Hi, Barb.


Well, well, well.

If it isn't little Miss Cheeky.

Why little Miss Cheeky?

Barb [singsongy]:
You've been keeping
secrets from me!

I just... I didn't wanna
show anyone yet.

Barb:
Well, I love it.

Everyone's gonna
like you so much,

and everyone knows
you're my friend,

so we can rise together!

Okay.

[cow mooing ringtone]

Penny [over phone]:
I was so impressed.

I just thought
you were so articulate

and you were so expressive

and-and
what was it for?

Oh, um...
Uh, what do you mean?

Penny:
Was it for something?
Was it for an audition?

Uh, no, no. Nope.
Just on the Internet.

Penny:
Oh, in that case,
I just will say one thing.

It's important
not to look too crazy.

Just hold it back a bit.

Hold it back.

Nicholas:
This guy says
your video is "relatable."

Well, that's nice.

Nicholas:
Except he's a n*zi.

Not everyone
on the Internet is a n*zi.

Nicholas: Hmm.

His profile says
"Proud n*zi."

Hmm.

Well, well, well,
well, well.

What, Barb?

Barb [over laptop]:
Oh, you don't know?

Know what?

Barb:
Well, this is spicy.

Can you please just tell me
or I'm going to cry right now.

You need to open
your video.

Oscar...

"That face
when your new online crush

sits behind you in Math."

Barb:
Oh, my God. Your face!

Ohh!

Hi.

Just wanted to say
that, you know,

I actually really did like
that first video.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I was just trying to prove
some type of point.

Oh. It's cool.
I get it. I get it.

I liked the first video,
but, um,

you know, I don't wanna
say that though,

if my approval
is the kiss of death,

I hated it.

[crunching]

Hi.

Do you want some help
with your reading?

-No.
-No?

Mmm.

I just really don't like it
when people read books, man.

You're all in someplace,
on some journey,

and I'm just stuck here
in no place on no journey.

Reading books
is self-centered.

I don't think
I need worry about

how much time
Matilda and Drea
are spending together.

Friendship is nice,
you know.

Good on friendship.

Can't have a piggyback
without a friend.

Babe, I just wanna
finish this chapter.

What, you think
I don't got chapters?

I've got chapters.

I've got
all sorts of things.

I've got a prologue,

I've got a table
of contents,

I've got an epilogue,

I've got
a "dedicated to" page.

[yells] And you know who's
on the "dedicated to" page?

You guys!

Get out, Nicholas.

We have to start again.

Matilda:
We have to start again now?

Sorry. Very sorry.

-I'm a tale as old as time!
-Not now.

Okay. Soon?

I just...
I need some space.

From me?

Yeah.

So how are your feeling
about your parents

and their, um,
getting divorced?

[scoffs]

Did you just scoff at me?

No, it's just...

-[sighs] It's fine.
-What's fine?

You don't
have to pretend, okay?

I'm not pretending.

I don't even know
how to pretend.

Even as a child.

"Let's play house,"
they'd say.

And, uh,
"I don't know how!"
I'd say back.

Babe, I just wanna have
an afternoon to myself, okay?

Wait, what's happening?
Why am I in trouble?

Nothing,
you're not in trouble.

Nicholas:
Okay, well, that's good.

Yeah, I'm just feeling sad.

Okay, I'd love to know why.

Because it took you
two weeks

to ask about
my parents' divorce.

Oh. So I am in trouble.

You just did a little a lie.

Every day I wake up
thinking, like,

"Maybe he'll ask today."

And then every day,
you didn't.

But then I did,
I just did. Just now.

-After two weeks!
-But then I did.

What would be the more
correct thing to do

after not asking
for two weeks,

but to ask.
Which I just did.

Babe, you literally
had to get rejected

by everyone in this house

before asking me
how I'm doing.

I don't understand
what the point of you

getting angry about
this right now is.

We're... we're doing the thing

that you've been wanting
to do for two weeks.

This is it.
This is the moment!

Babe, I'm not angry.

I'm just expressing
hurt feelings

and you're
dismissing them.

Honestly, you do
seem quite angry.

Well, now I am!

Oh, I don't know.
What... What do you want?

What do you want?
You want me to ask quicker?

Is that what you want?
Fine, yes.

I'll ask quicker.

No.

It's fine.
You're not going to change.

It's just like,
who you are, at your core.

At my core?

[laughs]
What do you mean?

What, 'cause
I'm pear-shaped?

Forget it.

Well, I don't think
I'm gonna do that.

I don't wanna
talk about it anymore.

Alex, you can't
tell someone

that they're broken
at their core,

and then expect them
to forget it.

I don't wanna
talk about it anymore.

We especially can't forget it
if you're gonna remember it

and then get mad at me
about it another time.

Alex:
Hi! I'm Nicholas,
and I'm a perpetual victim!

Well, can't we
all be victims?

Why are there
still wet towels
on the floor?

I've asked you
to hang them up
so many times.

You had
nothing going on!

-It's disrespectful!
-I agree.

-Ugh!
-[slams door]

-Hey.
-Hi.

Need somewhere to crash?

Yeah.

-[g*nf*re on monitor]
-[man screams on monitor]

[g*nf*re and screaming stops]

So do you have anything
you wanna say about before, yet?

I just have no idea
what that was.

Okay.

Hmm.

Oh... Oh, well,
how about this?

So, um...

There's a boy...

Hmm.

...who commented
on my video.

Okay, yes, yes.
Good, good, good.
I'm listening.

His name is Oscar
and I go to school with him

and, um, what he commented
is that he has a crush on me.

On the screen.
Put him on the screen.

Oh, yeah.
No, of course. Of course.

Thank you.

Uh, so that's
a picture of him

reading
The New Yorker on a hike.

Mm-hmm.

Um, um, it says,
"Solo hike vibes"

as the caption.

Which means he must have
asked a stranger

to take a photo of him
reading in the woods.

[laughing]

Um...

And that's when
I decided to message him.

No.

Yes?

Here we go.

So what I decided
to say was,

"That face when you
probably can't get away

with copying math from the guy
in front of you anymore."

Genevieve.
That is...

That is...

I mean, that's a lot,
isn't it?

-Yeah, I guess it is.
-[laughing]

But, I guess...

Yeah, that's it.

That's where we're up to.

Was that good?
Did that help you?

Yes, actually,
thank you so much.

Thank you so, so much.

[mumbles]

[cell phone chimes]

-Oh, my God, that's him.
-That's him?

Um...

I think I should go now.

Oh... Okay.

-Drea?
-Yes?

I'm sorry I'm not
sexually attracted to women.

It's not your fault.

I...

I actually don't think

I'm sexually attracted
to anyone.

What do you mean?

Um...

I mean...

I enjoyed doing it

because it made me
feel close to you,

but not as close as...
[giggles]

when I would hug you

or I'd watch you
practice playing piano.

That's funny.

I don't wanna
have sex with you

and you don't wanna
have sex with me.

[giggles]

Yeah.

Matilda...

Matilda, would you want
to be my girlfriend

if you could have sex
with people who weren't me?

You mean...

be with you romantically

but I have...

casual safe sex
with a variety of men?

Yes?

[whispering]:
I can't think of anything
better than that.

[giggles]

Me neither.

Are we girlfriends
again?

I think so.

Well, what now?

Um...

I don't know yet.

He... He-he wants
to call me.

On what?

On the telephone?

He says he "Censors himself
too much when he messages."

What does that mean?

I don't know.
Should I give him my number?

I don't know.
I've never known.

Okay.

-Okay.
-Okay.

-I think--
-[cow mooing ringtone]

Oh, no.
No, no, no, it's him.

-Oh!
-Well, no, no, no.

I can't just let you
go back out there by yourself.

[giggles]

-Hey.
-Oscar [over phone]: Hello.

Barb [over phone]:
Are you there?
Did you click "play"?

Genevieve:
Yeah, yeah, I'm watching,
I'm watching.

Barb:
Turn it up. I wanna
hear you hearing it.

Genevieve:
Barb, I've heard
Leonard sing before.

-We've all heard Leonard.
-Barb: Shh!

♪ ...hills of Agoura ♪

♪ She turned on her camera ♪

♪ And she said this is me ♪

Barb:
Are you dead?

The "me" is you.

It's about you!

Genevieve:
No, it isn't.

Barb:
Just wait...

muse!

♪ But I'm scared of not being ♪

♪ Love-e-e-ed ♪

♪ She said I won't hide
anymore ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a swan ♪

♪ Knocking loud at your door ♪

Genevieve: Oh! Um...

Oh, my God, it's about me.

I'm... I'm the swan.

♪ I'll leave a tiny piece
of data on your mind ♪