01x07 - The Consequences of Sleepovers

[bunniefuu]

.

- Nothing?

- ♪ It's true ♪

♪ The marriage that we once
had now is through ♪

♪ And now we're doing
all that we can do ♪

♪ To keep us all together
as a crew ♪

♪ Just do as we say,
not as we do ♪

♪ We really thought
that we were done ♪

♪ But we've just begun ♪

- Has anybody heard
from your mother?

- Nope.
- I've not.

- Hmm.

I gotta get to the
Sons of Liberty reenactment.

I can't be late.

As you may have deduced,
the redcoats are coming.

- Something tells me
it'll all be OK.

- If Paul Revere doesn't ride,
the entire course of history

could be changed.

By breakfast, we could all
be subjects of the king.

- I'll take my chances.

- Um, what did you do
with my whale oil lantern?

- Oh, sorry.

It's recharging in the hallway.

- Seriously, how do I look?

- Devastating.

Betsy Ross is going to go
all wobbly in her petticoats.

- She isn't Betsy Ross yet.

She's still Betsy Griscom,
single and available.

And last week
at rehearsal, I couldn't tell

if she was flirting
with me or Ben Franklin.

- Just ask her for her number.

- Yes, as
they would have in 1775.

Oh, I know what this is.

You're upset that I'm dating.

- Dad, I'm thrilled
that you're trying to date.

- Good.

I'm glad.

- I might have suggested
a clever online profile

or an appealing photo
or two, but whatever.

If you're more comfortable
with cosplay, God bless.

- Thanks.

Your opinion means a lot to me.

- Truth is, dating gets
harder the older you get.

- Oh, it's never easy.

Trust me.

- I do not want to know
why you just said that.

- All right, Dad,
I turned off the Bluetooth

on your whale-oil lantern
so it doesn't start

playing Lil Nas X.

- See?
You get it.

Verisimilitude is the backbone
of historical fiction.

My DNA is strong with this one.

- Great news.

- Well,
I'm going to grab my musket,

and then it's time to throw
off the yoke of tyranny.

Taxation without
representation?

I don't think so.

Can I rely on you to man
the fort, General Washington?

- Man it?

No.

But I can woman it.

- Even better.

Woman it, then, please.

- [laughs]

I'm not even going to ask.

I am looking at you...

[laughing]

Telling myself "I can get
through this" without asking.

It's not going to be easy.

- Finished?

- Hold on.

OK.

- Where's Julia?
- Oh, she had a work emergency.

- What kind of work emergency?

- She didn't say,
and I didn't ask.

- Why not?

- Because she texted,
"Don't ask."

- Your marriage
just might work.

But listen,
I gotta head out, 'cause--

- No, no, no, no, no.

Don't tell me.

'Cause whatever it is, it won't
be as good as my imagination.

- Hey, Trey.
- Hey, Gracie.

What's up?

- Dad, can I have a sleepover?
- Ooh.

I'm off duty.

That's up to your mom.

- Oh, I texted her,
but her "do not disturb" is on.

- That's OK.

Your mom's entrusted
full responsibility

until she arrives to me.

So as your future stepdad,
I say, commence the sleepover.

- Yay!

Thank you, Trey.

- Sleepovers are the best.

- Bold move agreeing to
a sleepover without any data.

You don't know
how many kids are coming.

You don't know what parents--

- Uh, Grace, I need some data.

How many kids are coming?

- Just Katie.

The Katie I brought to your
suite at the Lakers game.

- Oh, I love that Katie.

Do you know that Katie, Jim?
- I do.

She's Grace's best friend
since kindergarten.

I've met her,
conservatively, 9,000 times.

- Hey, Paul, don't you have
a midnight ride to get to?

- Oh, my god!

Paul Revere!

[laughs]

Thank God.

I was about to ask
for some Crunch Berries.

[laughs]

Aye, aye, Captain.

[upbeat music]

- Mr. Kearney,
should be feeling the sedative

take effect in a few minutes.

Just lie back and relax.

- Julia, this is an incredibly
nice thing you're doing

for your former father-in-law.

- Oh.

I may be divorced
from your son,

but you'll be my kids'
grandpa for life,

helping them, spoiling them,
losing them in a crowd.

- Hampton Beach
is a very complicated beach.

You know, thanks for keeping
it a secret from Jim.

If he ever heard I had a kidney
stone, he'd be worried sick.

- He loves you very much.

- I blame myself.

Once when he was a kid,
I pretended I was dead

for the entire afternoon.

Best nap I ever had.

- Drug's kicking in, Bobby?

- Oh, yeah.

I can't believe
I ever judged junkies.

They're on to something.

.

- [laughing]
- Okey dokey.

I hope Julia's emergency
is short-lived.

Oh, and I've gotta hit the,
uh, little patriots room.

Then I will be on my way.

But you got this.

- OK.

[doorbell rings]

Ooh.

[exhales]

Hey, Katie.
What's up?

- Hi.
- Trey Taylor, remember?

- [chuckles]

Is Grace here?

- Hey, Katie.
How's it--

- Hi, Mr. Kearney.

- Katie?
- [sobbing]

- What did you guys say to her?

both: Nothing.

- Derek just dumped me.

- OK.

OK, let's go to the kitchen.

- [wailing]

- Sleepovers are the best.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Feeling any
better now, Robert?

- Flying high, Doc.

- So to view the kidney
stones, we will insert

a camera into your urethra.

- Perfect.

- In my 40 years,
this is the first time

I have gotten that reaction.

- Camera in my urethra.

Simple in and out.

Lickety-split.

- Bobby, do you know
what the urethra is?

- I don't.

But the doctor was wearing
a Rolex, so he must.

- The urethra is the tube
that runs from your bladder

to the tip of your...device.

- Device?

What, like my iPhone?

- No, the tip of your--
your unit.

- Unit?

- Your device,
your unit, your member?

- I'm sorry.

I was never good at "Pyramid."

- Your p*nis?

- My p*nis?

What the hell's
he doing down there?

It's a kidney stone,
not a p*nis stone.

Tell that butcher he's gotta
find another way in!

- They're all set for you.

- You guys are barbarians!

- We may need a minute.

[upbeat music]

- Hey-hey, Revere.

Where's your outfit?

- I texted my understudy.

He's going to go on.

But it's gonna be a disaster.

He knows nothing about
being a silversmith.

Or the needs
of a woman like Betsy Ross.

But I cannot leave you alone.

- What are you talking about?

I can handle a sleepover.

You yourself said I got this.

Me got this.

- I said you got that.

Now there's
a crying girl involved.

You do not got this.

- So you got this?

- I got this
more than you got this.

- Show me what you got.

What are you going to do?

- Nothing.

- Yeah, I'm pretty sure
I could've done nothing.

- Mm.

But could you do nothing
in a strategic manner?

These are young adult women--

people.

So we're going to let them
work it out while we monitor.

- We're going to spy on them?

- I prefer the term
"compassionate surveillance."

- I look terrible.

- No, you look so beautiful.

- No, I'm hideous.

- It's not true.

You are such a pretty crier.

- Thank you.

- And Derek doesn't
know what he's doing.

- He does.

His last text was,
"I know what I'm doing."

Why are boys so stupid?

- The universe made them
that way to train us.

- It did?

- Yes.

It's trying to build our
resilience by preparing us

for all the dumb stuff
that men are going to do

when we get older.

- Oh, my god, she's right.

- You gotta help me
win him back, Grace.

- No.

That will only
make you look weak.

- But I am weak.

- That's not true.

You're stronger than him.

- If I'm strong,
why am I crying?

- Because strong
people have to cry.

Because cr--crying is brave.

- Since when?

- Since always,
but no one's ever told us.

So I'm telling you
that you are very

strong to show your emotions.

- Hmm.
I need to lay down.

- Uh, I believe these are
indigenous to South America.

- Really?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

- OK, if we're going to surveil
together, you better get wise.

If and when our cover
is blown, whatever I say,

you have to go along with.

The rule is "yes, and."

You can't say,
"Uh, I have no idea

what you're talking about."

That's how people get k*lled.

- Got it. Learning as I go.

[door rattling]

What the hell is that?
It looks like a boy.

- Did you put him out there?

- Did I put a boy
on a balcony?

What kind of question is that?

I've been standing
right here next to you.

- Hi, Mr. Kearney.

.

- Um, Derek,
this is Trey Taylor.

- Of course.

Hello, Mr. Taylor.

Go, Celts.

- Thank you.

Always nice to meet a fan.

- Easy, Sinatra.

How did you get up here?

- I took the elevator
to the roof of the building

next door.

Then I parkoured from the
roof over there to your roof.

Then I came down the fire
escape to your apartment.

- When you say you parkoured--

- I vaulted.

- You vaulted?

- No Ring cameras
out there, Jim?

- No, Trey, there's
no Ring cameras out there.

This is the first time
Spider-Man

has paid us a visit.

- Is Grace home?

- Oh.

Is that all you
wanted to find out?

Seems like an answer you could
have got without free-soloing

down our building.

- I can't text her,
because I skipped out on

my National Honor Society
meeting

and left my phone
in the bushes,

so if my parents
look me up on Life360,

they'll still think
I'm at the school.

- Mm.

Well,
thank you for being honest

about your dishonesty, Derek.

- Derek, what--
what are you doing here?

- Grace, can I talk
to you in private?

- Why?

So I won't tell
Katie that you're

a careless, mean, stupid boy?

Too late.

- I didn't say
or do anything mean.

I tried to just be honest
about what I felt.

- Honesty.
Yeah, that's always the excuse.

Do I really gotta talk to you
about this

in front of your dad
and the owner of the Celtics?

- Yes, actually.
- Bet your little tushy.

- Dad, Trey, could you--could
you give us a moment, please?

- Oh.
- Yeah, sure.

- Yeah, it's, uh--
it's important to respect,

uh, your space.

- Give the privacy
that you deserve.

- Derek, what is going on?

- I broke up with Katie,
because I'm in love with you.

- Wait.
What?

- I broke up with Katie,
because I'm--

- No, don't say it again.

- I've felt this way
since the fifth grade,

and I've never had the guts
to say it till now.

Thanks for hearing me say it.

I need to go
before I get grounded.

- Uh, right here.

See?

Um, it says
"refrigerate after opening."

- Yes, and?

Wh-wh-what else does it say,
Jim?

- "Use by October 12th."

- Trey, could you
get Jimmy to distract Katie

for a few minutes?

- Absolutely.

You got this.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Bobby?
Open up.

- I won't! I won't! I won't!

- If your dad thinks
urethral entry is scary now,

wait till the drugs wear off.

- Uh, he does think it's
scary, and he's not my dad.

And I can think of many
other places I'd rather be.

Thousands and thousands
and millions of other sentences

I'd rather be speaking than,
"Your dink is not in danger!"

[upbeat music]

- Dad, I need your advice.

Derek has been, like,
the coolest guy ever

since seventh grade.

Every girl in school
has had a crush on him.

He's good at baseball,
basketball, soccer.

He's smart.

- Eh...

- Well--
and here's the problem.

He said he likes me,
and that's why he came here.

And my head is spinning, 'cause
the most popular guy in Boston

just said he likes me.

- Mm.

Tom Brady is kind of popular.

- Dad.

- And you think
you might like Derek back?

- Well, you've met him.

Wouldn't you?

- Huh.

Huh.

Hmm.

Isn't this a nice night
for your mother

to have a work emergency?

.

- You know what, Bobby?

I regret coming here.

- Why?

- Because you
obviously don't really

think that highly of me.

- Of course I do.

- No, you don't, because if
you did, you'd take my counsel.

- My dad's stubborn like yours.

- He's not my dad.

I help people in crisis, Bobby.

People pay me
to help them when they

are not thinking straight,
as you

are not thinking straight now.

And while I don't want and
would never accept a penny

from you, I would
appreciate the courtesy

of you considering
what I have to say,

because I'm about to snap.

I promise you, they do far
worse things every year

at the OB/GYN, and you don't
hear a word of complaint.

You wouldn't last


None of you would.

So I want you
to open that door,

suck it up, and spread
your urethra to the sunshine.

- Well,
when you put it like that--

- Gracie, we're kind of
crossing the Rubicon here,

aren't we?

- I don't understand.

- Um, Caesar.

Uh, Julius Caesar.

There was a river,
and once he crossed it--

look, all right, this whole
teenage romance thing

is not usually my area
of expertise.

- Mine, either.

- OK, but if I were
to take a stab at it,

um, I think one thing
I would say is that, um--

one thing you should
be aware of, uh,

is that deep down, uh,
all of us are awful people.

- Dad.
- No, no, no.

Seriously,
I've been working my way

through this observation
ever since I was--

well, ever since
I was your age.

Um, people are--are awful.

Awful.

I think that's why
someone a long, long time ago,

uh, came up with the whole
concept of what we call values

to make us think deeply
about the consequences

of our being awful.

Values ask us to pause, uh,
before taking a flamethrower

to our happiness, to not do
selfish, impulsive things,

even though selfish,
impulsive choices

sometimes feel fantastic.

- They really do.
- Yes.

I know.
I know.

Whenever I get
the urge to do something

selfish and impulsive,
I get all tingly inside.

I--I feel incredibly alive.

And for whatever reasons--
none that make any sense--

we're made to--
to feel these drives

and emotions
and feelings that do not

serve us in any way other
than to mess up our lives.

- I hate how we're made.

- And it's not all the time,

but right now,
uh, what happened

with Derek, an emotional,
impulsive, selfish boy--

- He's so special.

- Uh, Grace, I was
eavesdropping on your talk

with Katie.
- Dad, no.

That's so uncool.

Why would you do that?

- Because I'm awful.

I do foolish,
ill-advised, impulsive things,

even though at my age,
I should know better.

When my conscience tells me,
"Hey, hey, Jim,

don't do that,"
sometimes I actually say,

"Hey, why don't you take a load
off there, Mr. Conscience?

Tonight I'm ride or die
with Captain Id."

And I regret it
almost every single time.

But--but be that as it may,

I was so proud of what
you told Katie to console her.

It just--
it came out of you in seconds,

because it's who you are,

a good friend, a good person

who now finds herself
possibly smitten

with a boy
who dumped her friend

and who lies
to his parents

and who Cirque du Soleil'd
his way onto our balcony

just to talk to you.

What would you call
behavior like that?

- I don't know.

You tell me, Dad.

- Maybe it's just the act of
someone who hasn't necessarily

thought everything through,

like you might
want to right now.

- [sighs]

I'm so messed up.

- Uh, pivotal moments always
seem to pop up unannounced,

like a zit on the morning
of your prom.

You look in the mirror,
and you're like, "Oh, come on."

You're at a crossroad.

Or is it "crossroads"?

- It's "crossroads."
- Yeah.

- Plural.

- Two roads crossing.

You can only take one.

I'm going to text Derek and
tell him I'm not interested.

- Mm, good choice.

Uh, only problem is,
he does not have his phone.

His phone is in a bush
by the school.

- Oh, so his parents can't
track him on Life360?

Smart.

I've done that move.

- What?

- I'm an awful,
selfish, impulsive person

sometimes too.

- You get that from me.

- Should I send it now?

- Maybe reread whatever you
wrote a couple of times and--

- He can read it when
he gets back to the bush.

Oh, and I love you.

Beyond love.

- I love you too.

- [whispers]
Hey, you did got this.

[upbeat music]

- Ohh.

- How you feeling, Bobby?

- Stones out?

[stones clattering]

Criminy Dutch!

I had all these stones
inside me?

- Mm-hmm.

- I'm like a freaking quarry.

Y--you're not going to tell
anyone about this, right?

- No, because if I do,

they'd know that I lied
about where I've been.

- And the kids will know their
grandfather's not the force

of nature they think I am.

But luckily, their mom is.

- When I have to be.

- Any time you need me to go
with you to the OB/GYN thing,

just say the word.

- I will never say that word.

- Sorry I was such a baby.

- Ah,
you were worse than a baby.

You were a cowardly,
candy-a*s infant.

- Congratulations, Mr. Kearney.

Your urinary tract
is as clear as a bell.

Just try not to ring it
for a couple of days.

- Gotcha.

So no "Golden Girls"?

- That's correct.

And sign this.

And as much as we are
all going to miss him,

your dad will be good to go.

- He's not--

Yes, of course.

[upbeat music]

You know what?

Uh, why don't you count to 50,
then come in?

Otherwise,
it'll look too suspicious.

- Got it.

- OK.

- Hey, hon.
- Hi, Mom.

- Hey.
- Hey, guys.

- So what'd
everyone do tonight?

- I had a sleepover with Katie.

- Does Katie know?

- She crashed early.

Long story.

both: Sleepovers are the best.
- [laughs]

Everything OK
with your work emergency?

- Yeah.
- It was good she was there.

I mean, it's always good
when she's anywhere.

[chuckles]

- Help us pick a show to watch.
- OK.

- Anything but "Golden Girls."

[upbeat music]

Oh, boy.
- OK.