01x08 - The Consequences of Loaning Your Dad Money

[bunniefuu]

.

- What's the damage?

- It's on the house.

- Oh, Dad, I know
business has been slow--

- $4.50.

- Keep the change.

- 50¢?

That's your tip?

- Well, yeah,
that's, like, 15%.

- It's 11%.

I'm glad I'm not
stripping for you.

I'd have to go home
with change in my panties.

Warmer.

[bell clanging]

Big tipper here!
We got a big tipper!

- ♪ It's true ♪

♪ The marriage that we once
had now is through ♪

♪ And now we're doing
all that we can do ♪

♪ To keep us all together
as a crew ♪

♪ Just do as we say,
not as we do ♪

♪ We really thought
that we were done ♪

♪ But we've just begun ♪

[buzzer blares]

- And that's 14 losses
in a row

for the Boston Celtics,
a terrible losing streak.

Trey Taylor,
upset on the sideline.

- Poor Trey.

- Forget Trey.
Look around!

This losing streak is bad
for my business.

- Maybe if you had a TV
that was made this century.

- Who can afford a new TV?

I'm thinking about selling
the one I got.

- Whoa, Dad, no one's
gonna buy that old TV.

- Hey, before you go.

It's 50 bucks.

Small dent, but it's something.

- Oh, Dad, please, that--
that money wasn't a loan.

It was a gift.
I don't need it back.

- Oh! You don't need
three grand, Rockefeller?

Must be nice.

I've never been in debt
in my life,

and it's weighing on me.
Just take it.

- You sold your blood?

- I donated,
and they gave me money.

- When you donate something
and they give you money,

that's called
selling something.

- What else am I gonna do
with my blood?

It's just swishing around
in my arteries, doing nothing.

- I'm not taking
your literal blood money.

- Take it.
I wish my body made it faster,

but I can get you more
next week.

- Things will turn around.

I-if there's anything I can do,
just say the word.

- Now that you mention it,

I need Trey to do me a favor.

- Dad, we can't ask Trey
for money.

- I'm not asking for money.

I need him to send
a player over here

for a meet and greet.

You said, "Say the word."

- Yeah, but I can't start
asking Trey for favors.

- You just now said,
"Say the word."

- I should have
excluded the words

"Trey," "favor," and "ask."

- It'd be good for him too.

He sends a player over,
it creates community goodwill.

It's a win-win.

I'd ask him myself,
but I can't go hat in hand.

- But it's okay for me
to go hat in hand?

- It's not you asking.

I'm asking.

Just put the words
in your mouth,

you go over there,
open your mouth,

the words come out,
and they're from me.

- Let me think about it.
I don't like

mixing family with...family.

- Hey, wait.

That's 3 bucks
towards the next 50.

[upbeat rock music]

- Grace, dinner's here!

You're sure you won't stay
for a slice?

- Yeah, Dad, you can have
some of mine.

- Mm, thanks, but Dad's
watching his tummy,

and I'd rather not
watch it explode.

- Mom, I just beat these two
at Monopoly so bad.

At one point, Dad had
to borrow money from me

so he could pay me rent.
- What?

- Yes, your daughter's
quite the loan shark.

The vig is 20%.

She now owns
my blue cashmere sweater.

- So soft.

- When I couldn't pay rent
on Marvin Gardens,

she made me bark like a dog.

- Please be kind to each other.

- She's not the person
you think she is.

- Yes, I am.

Sit, Jimmy. Sit.

- So how's Trey holding up?

- How do you mean?

- Well, Celtics are
in the toilet,

and you consoling him
has become a meme.

- He's fine.

You know,
but when he gets here,

let's try not to mention
the team, okay?

You know, don't say "Celtics,"

"basketball," "basket,"
or "ball."

Don't say "lose," "lost,"
"losing," or "loss."

Don't say "dog," "wallet,"
"keys," or "virginity"--

anything he's lost.

[door closes]

And don't give him any advice.

- The coach has gotta work
on basic skills with them.

sh**ting drills, passing
drills, and conditioning.

- Thank you, Jimmy,
but they're all pretty fit.

- Hey, why don't you just
get all-new players?

- I'll give that
some thought, Grace.

- Why don't you two be kind,
go in the living room,

be kind, finish your pizza,
be kind.

Hey, hon.
- Hi, baby.

- B-T-dubs,
loving that beard, bro.

- Thanks, homeslice.
Um...

but it's not for style.

It's for good juju.

So no shaving

until we snap
this losing streak.

- I wouldn't get
too worried about it.

All teams have
unlucky stretches.

- And I've been praying
every night

that things will turn around.

- Yeah, well, pray extra hard,

because Boston's not happy.

Today, I walked
into Dunkin' Donuts,

and they just said, "Nope."

- That shirt is
really good on you.

- What do you want?

- Look, you know that I have

never asked you
for anything before,

even though I drove you home
from your colonoscopy,

which I was glad to do,
you know, for you

and your colon.

- Spit it out, Jim.

- Okay.

Business has been slow
at my dad's bar,

so he wants you to send
a player down

for a meet and greet--but hey,
it's a win for you too.

Dad gets a Celtic,
and you get community goodwill.

Okay, it's in no way
a win for you.

The truth is, last month,
I threw my dad

a few grand
to cover some bills.

It was a gift, not a loan,

but he insists
on paying me back.

It's--it's maddening.

If we were Vikings,
I would have

pushed him
off a cliff a long time ago.

- Jim, I just don't have
the bandwidth.

- Look, my dad has been
selling his blood.

And I'm not sure how much blood
he even has anymore.

- All right, I guess I could
send over Yuri Kobilska.

- There's a Celtic
named Kobilska?

Does he come on a roll
with mustard?

- He's a new guy, Slovakian.

I was gonna send him
back to the G League,

but you know what,
I'll keep him one more week

just for you.

- For my dad.

Uh, so his name again
was Yuri...

- Kobilska.

- [spits] Done.

.

- That good beard juju
kicked in.

Kobilska's led us
to eight straight wins.

- Yet still no shaving.

- Obviously, if I shave now,
we'd lose again.

I mean, that's Juju 101.

- Syracuse didn't offer
a degree in juju.

[mellow rock music]

- Yuri, you dominated tonight--

a triple-double,
including 14 assists.

- I think we played well
as a team,

but all glory goes to God.

- So Yuri's coming.
Dad's gonna have a big night.

It's Linsanity all over again.

- We market tested
"Yur-insanity."

It looked better on paper.

♪ ♪

We messed with the juju.

- Honey, I'm sorry.

I just wanted to kiss you
without getting lacerations.

- Can you not see
there's a causal connection

between us losing last night

and me trimming my beard
to now resemble an Amish elder?

- Is that thy carriage
parked outside?

Because thy horse has pooped.

- It's not funny.

- What's the matter with him?

- Trey thinks the Celtics lost
last night

because he trimmed his beard.

- The juju's been disrupted.

- Don't sweat it.
It was one game.

- If I would have just left
the hair on my face alone,

there was a clear path
to a title.

But no, you wanted a kiss.

- I think we're gonna go.

Um, come on,
let's get you a donut.

I'm buying.
- You're gonna have to buy.

- There's three grand.
We're square.

- Wow, you're--
you're pulling in that much?

- Piece of cake!

I got a $20 cover.

Drinks cost double tonight.

It's called dynamic pricing.

You see, son, some people just
have a natural business sense.

No matter what ups and downs
the economy takes,

they can still turn a buck.

And it happens to be the Kid.

We got a problem.

- Thank God you got that
natural business sense, Kid.

- Yuri won't come out
of the walk-in cooler.

If he thinks he's gonna get
a piece of the action,

he can forget it.
- Whoa, whoa, Dad, Dad.

I'll--I'll talk to him.
- I'lltalk to him.

I'm not afraid
of some 6'3" Slovakian.

- He's 6'11".

- Better you go alone.

♪ ♪

- Oh. Hey, there.

Um, hope I'm not interrupting.

Uh, we haven't officially met.

Uh, I'm Jim Kearney.

My dad owns the bar.

Uh, wonder if I could have
a quick word with you, Yuri.

Oh, may I call you Yuri?

Your--your fans are
really excited to see you.

Uh, they--they love you.

- When I score.

But last night, I blow game.

We lost because of me.

I began to believe
those who say,

"Yuri is a baller.

Yuri is the shizzle."

And you see what happened?

I let God down.

- Oh, no, pfft.
God's not let down.

God's fine.
[chuckles]

God's got other stuff
on his mind.

- Before I come to America,

I was studying
to become a priest.

But in the seminary
intramural league,

I discovered hidden ability
to play.

- Uh, I don't know
about "hidden."

Uh, you're very tall.

- When I start
to have success in NBA,

I lose sight of God.

I have failed.

- Oh, no, no.

You--you didn't fail.

Look, you know, we all--
we all love the big guy.

You know, uh, I mean, he--
he turned water into wine,

and, uh...
[strains]

That whole parting
of the Red Sea thing,

that was, uh--
that was pretty cool.

Um...

uh, bubonic plague
was a misstep.

But he bounced back
with the Matterhorn--

both the mountain and the ride.

- God is so amazing.

- Yes, and he gets plenty
of praise and attention for it.

Uh, uh, temples,
mosques, churches,

Chick-fil-A is closed
on Sunday, all for him.

And you honor him too.

Uh, What do you say
in your postgame interviews?

- Glory goes to God.

- Yeah, right.
So what happens to you

is part of God's plan.

Those free throws you ganked
the other night?

That's on him, not you.

- I never think
like this way before.

- Well, start thinking
like this way, my friend.

It's all a part of his plan.

- You are very wise,
Jim Kearney.

Can we speak more
about this sometime?

- Uh, sure we can, out there,

uh, after we meet,
uh, and greet,

which are, admittedly,
the same thing.

Um, so let's get you out there

and meeting
your adoring public.

So--oh, oh, goodness. Okay.

Um...

- Even your head
is like basketball.

♪ ♪

[crowd cheering]

- Who's the Kid now?

- Thank you, son.

- Hey, Yuri,
what happened last night?

You were the opposite
of clutch.

- I do not like to lose,

but sometimes losing is
a part of God's plan.

- But you bricked
the two free throws.

That would've made
the difference.

- Your math is correct.

My intention is always
to score.

But once the ball
leaves my hand,

the outcome is not up to me.

So if people do not like
the outcome,

people should not blame me.

You should blame God.

.

- Oof! Another Monopoly
beatdown, Jimmy.

Pennsylvania Avenue
with three houses?

[clicks tongue] Next game,
you're gonna owe me a thousand.

- Dad, tell her debts don't
carry over to the next game.

- Well, yes, they do.

Unless--
- I'm not barking.

- Jimmy, you're my brother.

I wouldn't make you bark.

Can you roll over?

- Mom.

- Kids, be kind to each other.

One day, your father
and I will be dead.

- Such a lovely thought.

- Might we grab you for
a little confab in the kitchen?

- Okay, I'll take
what money you got,

plus you have to roll over.

- I'm not doing it.
- [scoffs]

[baby voice] Who's a good boy?

- Stop.
- Who's a good boy?

- I need to have
a word with you, bro.

- Why is he looking at me
like something is my fault?

- Because something is
your fault, Jim.

- Word has gotten out
about Mr. Kobilska's comments

last night, and there have
been some feelings.

- They're not
positive feelings, Jim.

- People are not happy that
Yuri threw God under the bus.

- God is already under the bus.

He's everywhere.

- People are protesting
outside of TD Garden.

- Who the hell is protesting?
- People who believe

that God has been insulted--

and there's a lot of them.

- Well, this is America.

People are entitled
to their religious beliefs,

but that stuff has nothing
to do with me.

- Oh, really?

Because an hour ago,
I asked Mr. Kobilska

how he arrived
at the conclusion

that the Lord Almighty
is somehow to blame

for his laughable
free throw skills...

- And guess what he said?

- "I really should practice
my free throws"?

- No, he said
he received guidance

from his spiritual advisor.

- I was just trying
to get him out of the cooler.

- I should have never agreed
to send Yuri!

- You only kept Yuri
because I asked for the favor.

Ha!
- Ha?

You don't get to "ha" him!

- I'm gonna need to re-borrow.

- Where the hell
did you come from?

- From my God-blaming bar,

where people are
demanding refunds.

- Refunds? For what?

- That's what I said.

I told 'em, no way I'm paying
for beers they already drank.

They threatened to set fire
to the building.

So we compromised,
and I gave 'em refunds.

I had no choice!

All because this guy's
star player

is a God-blaming blasphemer!

- I told Yuri you'd want
to counsel him

in his time of strife.
- Uh, I'm having

my own time of strife.

I do not want
to be repaid, Dad.

You're not allowed to repay me.

- If I have to sell a kidney,
you'll get every penny back.

- Nobody wants
your 71-year-old kidneys.

- You wish your pee stream
was as strong as mine.

I'll put a frozen rope
into that sink from right here!

- Please don't.

[doorbell rings]

- All right, Jim, you're up.

- He's here?
Why is he here?

- Because there are
people protesting

outside of TD Garden!

- What am I supposed to say?

- Oh, bestow your wisdom

about the nature of God
and the universe.

- I know next to nothing

about the nature
of God and the universe.

I'm a layman.

- Jim, this is impacting
Trey's business,

all because your father can't
accept your generosity

like a normal human being!

- I'm not gonna take money
from my own son!

Well, except this check.

- Listen up, Reverend Jim.

You asked for the favor,
and you are going to fix this!

- All right.
Here we go.

- Well, well, well.

If it isn't
the human hand grenade.

- Not helpful, Dad.

- Mr. Taylor said
you wanted to talk to me.

- Yeah.
Yeah, I--I--

I think you may have taken
something I said yesterday

the wrong way.

- No, I understand completely.

Your message is so simple:

God has a plan.

- Jim, why don't you illuminate
us and Mr. Kobilska

about the concept of free will

and how it fits
within God's plan?

- Yuri, my clumsy
inarticulations

have, uh, led you astray...

my son.

Uh, and as a--a good shepherd,

uh, who tends his flock,

I must bring you
back into the--

- Herd.

- Flock.

Each sheep, uh, grows wool,

uh, for--
for making socks and, uh...

- Mittens.
- Yes, mittens.

- People need mittens.
- Yes.

Uh, and sometimes you--you give
your mittens to someone--

a family member, perhaps--

and they think they need
to give you those mittens back,

even though you repeatedly--
repeatedly--

tell them
you do not want them back.

So you, uh, ask someone
who has, uh, an extra sheep

to--to loan you a--a sheep,

uh, so that the aforementioned
family member

can gather their own wool,

so they can make
their own mittens.

- So we need you, Yuri,
to clarify...

- That when you play poorly...

- It's not God's fault.

Does that make sense?
- Not really.

- Pray on it, and it will.

- Job 36:11,
"If they hear and serve him,

"they will end their days
in prosperity

and their years in pleasures."

- I love that one.

- 12 years of Catholic school.
[chuckles]

.

[mellow rock music]

- Trey will go first.

A quick statement
on behalf of the team,

and then throw it
to Mr. Kobilska.

Just read the statement
exactly as I wrote it,

and everything will be fine.

- I'm quite nervous.

- I'd like to offer a few words
to my disciple--

- No, no, no.

You--I think you've said
enough, all right?

You're gonna be fine.
This is just a clarification.

That's all--
to finish what you started.

- All right.
Go get 'em.

- Hey, how's everybody doing?

Thank you for coming out.

Um, good afternoon.

While the Celtics organization
respects religious freedom,

we recognize that there
are appropriate times

for its expression.

To that end, Mr. Kobilska has,
uh, prepared a statement.

- [clears throat]
I wish to apologize

for any offense I have caused
to the people of Boston,

America, and around the world.

My intention was never to--

I believe God has a plan.

But up until a few moments ago,

I was uncertain
of my part in it.

Then my wise employer,
Mr. Taylor,

counseled me to finish
what I started.

I believe his message
is a message from God.

So today, I am resigning
from the Celtics

to return to Slovakia to finish
my studies in the seminary.

I wish to thank
the Celtics organization

for the opportunity to play.

Glory to God.

[reporters clamoring]

- Man, you really got to watch
what you say to this guy.

♪ ♪

[buzzer blares]

- And that'll do it.

Miami Heat, 123; Celtics, 102.

And the boys in green have
once again found themselves

in the middle of
an embarrassing losing streak.

Dear God, could the Celtics
have used Kobilska tonight.

- There's another 100--



and another 50
from donating more blood.

I found a workaround,
and I gave him a fake ID.

- Okay, we gotta
talk about this.

This whole money thing never
should've even been a thing.

You know, and it somehow
became another thing

that really complicated
a bigger thing,

and that was not fun.

Dad, I gave you that money
because you're my father,

and what's mine is yours.

Okay.
This is a list of all the times

that you paid for stuff
that you didn't need to.

- Senior prom, 80;

new snow tires, 250;

parking tickets, 150.

This adds up to three grand?

- On the nose.

- You're a good son.

Three-card monte, 100 bucks?
- [chuckles]

- I thought it was 250.

- Pretty sure it was a--
a flat hundred.

Anyway, I just wanted
to square our books.

- It was 250.

- Um, well, I'm--I'm saying,
you owe me nothing, so...

- That loan I floated you
in college,

that was 700, not 500.

- Huh. Memory's a--
a funny thing, isn't it?

So let's just say we're square.

- [chuckles]

That there is an amended total.

- This looks like--

- You owe me 2,110.

- What?
- I don't need it right away.

End of the month is fine.

♪ ♪