01x10 - The Consequences of Familial Obligations

[bunniefuu]

both:
Right arm up and elbow bent.

Head roll,
shimmy it, and shimmy it.

And step on the bug.
Squish it, squish it.

Bitten by a rattlesnake.
Wince! Wince!

Wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble.

Drive to the hospital.

Swerving, swerving.

Slam on the brakes.

Backwards box step.

- Yeah!
- Yes!

- Whoo!
- [grunts determinedly]

Okay, okay, break time.

Must take a break to not die.

We're doing the annual
father-daughter dance,

so we need to--
are you knitting?

Read an article that said
hobbies are good for the brain.

Also said to give up bacon
and fudge.

But you can't believe
everything you read.

Jimmy, car looks great.

Any shot at winning
the Pinewood Derby?

Yeah, if nobody else
shows up.

Okay, Grace,
let's take another--

ah!

- Oh, my God!
- Dad, are you okay?

Don't move, don't move,
don't move, don't move.

Oh, thank God,
the blanket's unharmed.

You can move now, Jim.

I've never seen
a human fly like that.

Are you okay, Dad?
- Yeah, yeah, I think I am.

It must be the adrenaline.

I don't feel a thing.

Where's my other
knitting needle?

Ahh.

[both gasp]

Why did they just gasp?

Uh, no reason.

Nobody gasps just to gasp.

Son, I need you
to look at me.

Why, what's happening?

Everything is gonna be okay.

Why wouldn't
everything be okay?

No reason.
That's why

everything is gonna be okay.

all: Don't sit down!

There's a knitting needle
in my butt cheek, isn't there?

[yelps]

No, there isn't.

- ♪ It's true ♪

♪ The marriage that
we once had now is through ♪

♪ But now we're doing
all that we can do ♪

♪ To keep us all together
as a crew ♪

♪ Just do as we say,
not as we do ♪

♪ We really thought
that we were done ♪

♪ But we've just begun ♪

♪ ♪

Hey, thanks for the help
cleaning up the table, kids.

I plugged the hole
with a dollop of Polysporin,

and now my tush is good as new.

Look who's here with Chinese.

Got the orange chicken
family meal.

Orange, my second favorite
chicken flavor after nuggets.

Where's the coffee table?

- I got hit by a car.
- What?

Oh, continue.

Anyway, took a little bit
of a tumble.

Punctured my old patootie.

But I am confident that by this
Friday's father-daughter dance,

that my little moneymaker
will be 100%.

Not this Friday night.

This Friday is
the Pinewood Derby.

No, that's next Friday.

It's in my phone. See?

Next Friday.

Pretty sure they changed it.

No, they would have
sent you home with a memo.

Jimmy, did you leave a memo
in your backpack again?

What kind of word is "memo"?

It's short for "memorandum."

What kind of word
is "memorandum"?

I believe it's
the long version of "memo."

I know,
but they're all we got.

When is the last time
you emptied this?

Last time I what?

Dad, you got to go
to the father-daughter dance.

Grace, I know.

Have I not learned
all the moves?

Risked paralysis?

The father-daughter dance
is why I'm getting

bitten by rattlesnakes
and swerving off the road.

I'm the daughter,
you're my father.

There's a dance.
We have to go!

This is an unsigned
permission slip for the zoo

from two weeks ago.

And you still went?

There's cracks in the system.

Ugh! He's right.

They did change the date
of the derby.

I hate this school.
- I'm with you, Mom.

You are not
without blame, buddy.

Me? They put their trust
in a C student.

You're a B student.

I think there's another memo
in that bag.

Dad, the dance is
our tradition--

a tradition that's
about to be over.

I know I messed up,

but the Pinewood Derby is
a tradition too.

Dad, you gotta come with me.

All right, I-I realize
that you both need Super Dad

to bless you with his presence.

But cloning technology
has sadly not kept pace

with the universal need
for more me.

So just give me a minute
to figure out a plan.

Okay, help.

Uh, okay.
Well, why don't I sub in

for Dad at the Pinewood Derby?

Boom, problem solved.

No, not boom.

I can't go with Mom.

Whenever I'm with Mom,
everyone calls me...

When I was playing Fortnite
last month--

keep in mind, I have
a live mic on my headset

that is broadcasting
to 45 of my best friends--

Mom bursts in yelling,

"Goo Goo Bear,
your bubble bath is ready."

My God,
what were you thinking?

I was thinking
it was tubby time.

Plus, Mom, Steve Green's dad
is always saying

that you're the prettiest mom
in the neighborhood.

Oh. Jerry said that?

Hm.

Yeah, Jerry said that.

Jerry says a lot of things.

Grace, why don't I sub in
at the dance?

I'm a better dancer
than your dad.

Just ask the coffee table.

I'm not going
to the father-daughter dance

with my mom.
- Why?

Your other classmates go
with their moms,

and they think it's cool.
- Yeah, if you have two moms

or your dad's in prison,
it's cool.

But that's not me.
Dad, you decide.

The child that first
made you a father

or the other kid?

Other kid?

I am James Patrick Kearney,
second of his name.

I cannot and will not choose.

Ethically and philosophically,
it would be a mistake

because one of you
would not like me.

The more I see
how adults make decisions,

the less safe I feel.

So what, we flip a coin?

Ah, the age-old tiebreaker.
Jimmy, call it.

Give me the nickel off the car.
- Heads.

I'm not flipping it.
The losing kid

will just blame me
for how I flipped.

The blame is never on the
flipper, it's on the caller.

Why?
The responsibility is just

as much on the flipper
as the caller.

- She's got a point.
- That's legit.

No, no, no, the caller has
two choices, heads or tails.

If Jimmy picks the wrong one,
then the blame lies with him.

But the flipper is the last
person to touch the coin.

That's when
the questions begin.

How high did the flipper toss?
How fast did the flipper flip?

The flipper holds the fate
of the flip in their hands.

The flipper has all the blame.

Trey, we need you
to flip a coin.

Jimmy Jr.'s
already called heads.

We need an impartial flipper
to flip in a way

that is free of conscious
or unconscious flipper bias.

How could a flipper
flip with bias?

Velocity, trajectory,
phalange, finesse.

I've studied magic, so I know.

I am not surprised.

Did you know that
coin flipping actually began

during the Roman Empire
when they had to decide

who was going to be castrated?

The term eunuch comes--

both: Flip it!

- Tails.
- Yes!

I'm gonna go try on my dress.

That's what the losers
used to say in Rome.

We're gonna need
more orange chicken.

- You spilled it?
- I ate it.

You ate the whole thing?
It was a family size.

I'm family.

I'm really sorry
about missing

the Pinewood Derby, buddy.

This is a ridiculous way
to parent.

Ridiculous!

- Did I mess this up?
- No. He messed this up.

Do you have any idea
how many times

we've told him
to empty his backpack?

Well, is there anything
I can do?

I feel responsible.

Well, you should.
You're the flipper.

If you'd stayed in the kitchen,
none of this would've happened.

Hey, kid.
Sorry it didn't go your way.

I'm sorry I reacted
the way I did.

No, I get it.
I totally get it.

I mean, I enjoyed going to
the Pinewood Derby with my dad.

I really loved
that bonding time.

Yeah, it's fun.

I mean, we make
a whole night out of it.

First we lose,
then we go to Mike's Pastry,

and the whole time
we're laughing.

I love me some Mike's Pastry.
[chuckles]

You know, um,

you'd probably do better
if you polished your axle

and checked your alignment.

When I was a scout,
we studied woodworking,

we studied aerodynamics,
weight transfer.

We had this thing down
to a science.

Will you go to the Derby
with me instead of my mom?

Dude, your mom's gonna
k*ll it.

She's in the kitchen scouring
the web for ways to win.

Well, she should
scour your head.

Please? You're my stepdad.

I mean, future stepdad.

I-I will be your stepdad.

Unless, um--

how are you and Mom
getting along lately?

We're good.

Why, you heard something?

Dude, you think
she'd tell me?

I thought my parents had
a good marriage.

Talk to her.

Fingers crossed for the Derby
and your engagement.

The engagement's solid.
Let me go work on the Derby.

[soft rock music]

♪ ♪

Pro tip, always include
the words "Pinewood Derby"

when you Google
"which lubricant gives you

the most bang for your buck?"

Also, "wood derby" by itself

will return
some very disturbing images.

We gotta bring back shame.

Are you okay?

Yeah, um,

Jimmy Jr. just called me
his future stepdad.

Emotions just kind of snuck up
on me like a burp.

He wants me to take him
to the Derby.

Instead of me?

Yeah, but it's only
'cause I'm an Eagle Scout.

Oh, yeah, of course.

- So you won't feel hurt?
- Far from.

- Cast aside or iced out?
- Nope.

- Taken for granted?
- I don't think in those terms.

You're amazing.

[laughs]
By the way,

I think your Eagle Scout thing
is super hot.

That might be the first time
those words were ever spoken.

[laughs]

♪ ♪

This is when you really miss
coffee tables.

Where's Dad?

Went to go pick up his tux.

Oh, my God, I can't get over
how good you look.

Let me get a few pictures.

Mom, enough, please.

I'm the most documented child
in captivity.

Hey, future stepdad.

- Big night.
- Jimmy, Trey's here.

You're gonna do great, okay?

Just remember the basics.
Favorite place to eat?


Two Big Bites,

blue Takis,
Code Red Mountain Dew,

and family-sized pack
of Sour Patch Kids.

And if he then gets sick
in the car?

Ginger ale.

Really sick?

Backup ginger ale.

An Eagle Scout is
always prepared.

Yep.

[cell phone rings]

Jim, where are you?

I'm stuck.

What do you mean
you're stuck?

The green line is stuck.

- Are you on the green line?
- No, Julia.

I'm updating you
on an unrelated track closure.

Yes, I'm on the green line,
and I'm stuck!

And desperately clinging
to a single bar of service.

Dad, the dance starts
in an hour.

I told the engineer that.

But like this train,
he was unmoved.

I'll go to the dance.

We'll say your father is
in prison.

We can brainstorm
about why on the way.

No, no, no, no!
I'm innocent.

I-I'm gonna make it, Grace.
You hear me?

Grandpa is on his way
to escort you there,

and I will arrive before
the last dance, I promise.

There are some old dads there
on their third wives,

so I guess Grandpa
won't stand out.

Um, he's not gonna wear
his powder blue tuxedo, is he?

Oh, no, that's just
for weddings and funerals.

He'll be there any second.

Can I have
your attention, please?

Could the guy in the back
who's standing up on the seat

please get his dirty sneakers
off the seat?

♪ ♪

You're deliberately going the
long way to jack up the fare!

I'm using Waze.

Yeah, ways to cheat me
out of my hard-earned dough!

Trust me, I want you out
of my cab as soon as possible.

You should have taken
Storrow Drive,

you rip-off artist.

I didn't take Storrow 'cause
I knew there was an accident.

How? We didn't even try it.

I told you, I got Waze.

Oh, you got ways, huh?

I got ways to deal
with bums like you.

Pull over!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, you owe me $12.50.

Not a chance, you crook!

This looks like
it's worth $12.50,

you Bobby Vinton wannabe.

Not my knitting bag.

A crooked cabdriver
just robbed me.

Oh, my God, are you okay?

Yeah, he only got
my knitting bag.

And my wallet was in the bag.

I'll send an Uber.
Give me your address.

I'm on the corner of walk
and don't walk.

Forget it.
I'll hail another cab

and just ditch the fare
when I'm close.

See you soon.

Grace, I'm not bullish
on Grandpa's chances.

We may need a Plan B.

Isn't it, like, Plan G
at this point?

I may be your best bet.

I've got the perfect dress.

Mom, it's not that I don't
want to go with you.

It's that I don't want you
to go with me.

Trey, will you take me?

To the father-daughter dance?

Yeah, you're kind of like
my other father.

Stepfather--stepfather-to-be.

- They're both saying it now.
- I know.

Keep it together, big guy.

Grace, Trey already promised
to go to the Derby.

It wouldn't be fair to Jimmy.

What wouldn't be fair
to Jimmy this time?

Well, your father is stuck
in the subway,

and Grace asked Trey
to take her to the dance.

But I know how much
you're looking forward

to Trey taking you
to the Derby.

Even though I've done
a lot of research,

and I know that if we swap out

the steel axle
for the graphite,

we can achieve a significant
reduction in friction.

I'm just saying.

Wow. I don't know
so many of those words.

What would you rather do?

It's up to you, Jimmy.

So this is
what power feels like, huh?

I like it.

I like it a lot.

- Jimmy, I re--
- [shushes]

Okay, fine.
I'll take Mom.

But I want the bigger bedroom.

And I want to be
an only child,

but there are laws
that prevent me

from making that dream
come true.

Then I win the next
five arguments we have.

- Four.
- Five.

Okay, you win.
You have four left.

Trey, let's go!

I promise not to call you
Goo Goo Bear.

We can only hope.

Babe, I'm not dressed for it.

I studied up on Jimmy Jr.,
not Grace.

I know the TikTok song,
not the dance.

Go by your place
and pick up a suit.

Just dance with her in a way
that won't embarrass her

or you'll--what am I saying?

She usually goes to this thing
with Jim.

You're good.

[cell phone rings]

You moving?

Uh, I am.

However, my train is not.
Did my dad show up?

Your dad got his wallet
stolen by a cabbie.

Apparently--
- I don't want to know.

So Grace had to go with Trey.

Wha--no, no, Grace can't go

to the father-daughter dance
without me.

People will think
I bailed on her.

But you didn't; you just
chose the wrong train.

Wait, no,
h-how is this my fault?

I'm not driving the train.
I'm merely a rider.

Yes, I've heard news
of budget cuts.

But I expected
basic functionality.

Ah, so the rider did
pick the train,

and the rider did fail to plan
for unforeseen circumstances,

so the rider did, in fact,
choose his own destiny!

I will not be flipped down
that rabbit hole again.

I will get to the dance
no matter what occurs.

[singsongy]
Pinewood Derby, let's go.

Let's go, Jimmy, let's go!

Pinewood Derby, let's go. Oh!

Gracie, let's go!

I ditched the cabbie
at a red light two blocks away.

Oh, sorry, Bobby.
Grace already left with Trey

to the dance and Jimmy Jr.
and I are off to the Derby.

Ah, the Pinewood Derby.

I used to love going with Jim.

I guess I could go
with little Jimmy next year.

You know what they say.
Grandparents live forever.

Jimmy, you're going
with your grandfather.

[soft rock music]

Uh, Grace, it's Dad.

Pointlessly leaving you
a voicemail

to which you will never listen.

I am so sorry
I'm not at the dance yet.

I know you're having no fun
without me.

But I promise you,
I am on my way,

because there is nothing
on this Earth

that will keep me from--rat!

Rat! Rat!
[rat squeaking]

Good lord, look at the size
of that thing.

I'm on my way.
Don't dance without me.

[train horn blasts]

Here we go, Grace, let's see
if I can keep up with you.

[jazzy swing music playing]

♪ ♪

Elbow bent, and shoulder,
shoulder, shimmy it--

- Dad, you made it!
- Oh.

- Hey, Jim.
- Hey, Trey.

Did you know Trey knew
how to swing dance?

I didn't even know you knew
how to swing dance.

- She's a natural.
- And he's a natural coach.

[music ends]

[cheers and applause]

Super, super.

Do you want to step on
the bug now?

Hey, DJ, play
"Snake Bite Emergency," okay?

Actually, do you mind if I do
one more dance with Trey?

Oh. Yeah, yeah, of course.
Go--go ahead.

I should probably go freshen up
in the men's room anyway.

A lot of subway soot
in my lungs

I should probably cough up,

along with a smidgen
of rat dander.

Ow! Ow.

Oh, man.

Happened again.
I pulled a hamstring.

Swinging too strong.

Go get 'em, Kearneys!

- Uh--
- DJ, hit it!

- Maybe I should stretch first.
- No time, Dad. Let's go.

[whispers] Trey.

[mouths words]

[upbeat dance music playing]

both:
Left arm up and elbow bent

and shoulder shrug.

And shimmy it, shimmy it.

Right arm up and elbow bent.

Head roll.
Shimmy it, shimmy it.

Step on the bug.

♪ ♪

And while pretending
to pull my hammy,

I almost did pull my hammy.

Thanks for stepping up
tonight.

Oh, it was fun to step in.

Then Jim showed up,
and I stepped back.

Yep, that's being a parent.

Sacrifice, sucking it up,
stepping back.

Hm.

And you're sure you're
all right with all of this?

Dude, I'm a battle-tested
tournament-tough warhorse mom.

What does that mean?

[chuckles]
It means that I'm immune

to getting my feelings hurt
by children,

because I have to be
as a parent.

These are kids.
Every day is like this,

except for the first two hours
of Mother's Day.

First two hours?
That's all you get?

What do you do
the rest of the day?

It's just managing
the fallout

from breakfast in bed--

scrubbing the syrup
out of your sheets,

rinsing the coffee stains
out of your robe.

Luckily, your children have
gotten you a brand-new robe

to replace the old new robe
they gave you for Christmas.

Mother's Day is the dirtiest
trick the devil ever played.

My mom says she loves it.

Your mom is a great liar.

Look, you've already learned

the biggest lesson
of parenting:

when you feel left out,
you gotta shut up and limp off

because their feelings
come first.

Besides, it's not so bad.

And they always
come back to you.

[door opens]
Sometimes sooner than you want.

Hello!

- Mom, we had the best time.
- Oh, good.

The bug squishing dance
had a lot of steps

to keep track of,
so Grace taught me

some swing moves that
she learned from Trey.

Bravo, Trey.

Yeah, you know,
I picked it up at prep school

for the Friday night socials

we had with the girls' school
across the lake.

Mm, how lovely.

As a public school kid,
every other Tuesday,

I would get beaten senseless
by the McGrath twins.

Bob held and Betsy punched.

[laughs]

Hey, hey, hey!

New record in the books.
Fourth place!

[all cheer]
- Whoa! Whoa!

That's my boy.

I never did better than tenth.

Evolution in action.

It was fun, Jimmy.

But I got a cab waiting.

Found a cabbie who didn't
know my reputation.

Until the next
Kearney family fiasco!

Uh, kids, I will plan on
you ignoring my calls and texts

until you need something.
Love you.

- Love you.
- You're the best.

- Thank you.
- They were talking to me.

I didn't hear 'em say "Dad."

Jimmy, you want
some ice cream?

- Always.
- Chocolate or strawberry?

Uh, strawberry.

Chocolate.

- Strawberry.
- Fine, strawberry.

You only have three more wins
in your account.

Man, why are girls so smart?

Oh, and Trey, thanks for
the pep talk before the Derby.

It helped a lot.

You're gonna be
a great stepdad.

[sniffles]

Are you welling up?

[tearfully]
I can't look at you yet.

Come here.

[laughs]