01x11 - The Consequences of Writing Things Down

[bunniefuu]

Jim, I have
brought your children

back home safe and sound.

Excellent.
I hope everybody's hungry.

I have a homemade lasagna,

straight from the Stop & Shop
freezer section.

Dad, I know
I've been away all day,

but can I go to Cody's?

There's a "Fortnite" tourney.

Plus, Cody's mom makes food
that was never frozen.

Sure. Have fun.

Dad, I know that you went
through a lot of trouble

to make the money
that bought that lasagna,

but Katie invited me
for a sleepover.

It was great spending
a quality 35 seconds

with both of you today.

Dad, I hope you're hungry.

Thanks, Jim, but I got
a date with Rose tonight.

We're gonna Netflix and chill.

You know that means have sex?

I do.

I was trying to be discreet.

Well, there's no need
for this to go to waste.

If you wanna take some
to Rose, you can.

Yes!

Rose can't call me cheap
anymore.

Can you spare a bottle of wine?

Sure. Take one of those.

Thanks.

I should probably grab one
for Rose too.

Always thinking of others.

So, uh, you and Rose
are getting serious?

As of last night, we've
made love six and a half times.

That really amazes me
to hear a fraction.

Too bad you don't have a date
lined up for tonight, Jim.

You know,
it's never been easier.

I'm on seven different
dating apps now.

Does Rose know that?

She's on nine.

At our age, you gotta have
a deep bench.

Well, those dating apps.

I-I like meeting women
out in the wild.

You know, everybody on dating
apps is looking for a date.

I wanna meet someone
who's not looking for a date,

but who finds one anyway.

I'm not just saying this
because I'm your father.

Somebody out there would
be lucky to settle for you.

Kids, let's go!

Enjoy your sleepovers, everyone.

Oh.
[chuckles]

You know I will.

Tonight, we're gonna try
to go from six and a half

to seven.

You wanna know how?

I desperately,
desperately do not.

- ♪ It's true ♪

♪ The marriage that we once
had now is through ♪

♪ And now we're doing
all that we can do ♪

♪ To keep us all together
as a crew ♪

♪ Just do as we say,
not as we do ♪

♪ We really thought
that we were done ♪

♪ But we've just begun ♪

Chilly in here, huh?

Oh, I know.

I just saw a family of four
hugging a rotisserie chicken

to stay warm.

[laughing]

I like those prAna pants.

Do you do yoga?

I do not do yoga.

And I had no idea
they were yoga pants.

I got them from Julia,
and I wear them

because they are
deliciously buttery soft.

Look, I don't want to lie
to this woman,

but on the other hand,
I feel like, you know,

I might have a little nibble
on the line here,

and I don't wanna
scare off the fish--

which I realize is
an outdated metaphor,

reducing a human being
to something

that can be, essentially,
hunted with a worm.

But since I've already used it,

I got a live one.

Uh...
[chuckles]

Do I do yoga?

Seems like everyone's
doing yoga now.

Not a lie.
I repeated a question

and stated a fact.

It's nice to run into a yogi

in the barren wasteland
of frozen food.

I keep telling myself
I should remain in produce,

but oh, these chicken pot pies.

Oh, you have--cheers.

[both laugh]

You ever go to
the Blissful Elephant studio?

No, but, uh,
I've definitely heard about it.

Also not a lie.

She just said it,
and I just heard it.

Where do you practice?

Giggling Goat.
Yoga Hut.

I know--
you're a Dancing Shiva dude.

[laughs]
That--that is a great guess.

I assume.

What's your favorite class
over there?

Ah, I really can't say.
[chuckles]

And I really couldn't say

because I had no idea
what I was talking about.

Who's your favorite teacher?

Mm, names.

Oh, God, I'm so bad with names.

Um...

names are--are just clothing
for the soul.

That's deep.
You sound like a true yogi.

Thank you.

Uh, my Western name is Jim.

But my soul will answer
to anything

delivered with kindness.

Oh.

Kristen.

Oh.

It was nice to--

If you ever wanna try
Blissful Elephant,

I'm there Sundays at 9:00 a.m.

Oh, all right.


You know, I'm--
I'll start stretching now.

Great. I-I--

I don't wanna sound
too woo-woo,

but this class
has really changed

my conversation with the world.

You know,
that is not woo-woo.

That's--that's wahoo.

You know, me and the world,
we can talk all night.

You know, yap, yap, yap.
No, you go, world.

No, you go, Jim.
[high-pitched laugh]

You're hysterical, Jim.
No you, world!

Ha ha!

I-I really hope I see you
at the Elephant on Sunday.

Maybe I'll bring
my friend, the world.

Okay.

Kearney got a bite.

[grunting]

Should I call 911?

Yeah, and tell them
you entered without knocking.

Sorry, I left my license
on the dresser.

Are you doing yoga?

I am.

Turns out I have a gift
for the stretchy art.

- What's her name?
- Kristen.

We were flirting at NutriNook.

So I'm gonna meet her
for yoga on Sunday

at the Blissful Elephant
at 9:00 a.m.

Unreal.

For years, I tried
to get you to do yoga,

and you chose
watching baseball,

golf, and napping every time.

The couch is
an ever-beckoning mistress.

And the TV is
her trampy best friend.

And I don't recall you ever
asking me to do yoga.

Oh.

I have proof.

Proof?
Were you wearing a wire?

Ha!

Remember this book?

"Hold Me Close: A Marital Guide
to Reignite Passion"?

Definitely not.

The book encouraged us
to make a list of some things

you wish your spouse
would do to restore

the bonds of your marriage.

Wait, you actually did that?

Yes!

[scoffs]

Uh...

okay, here it is.

Number 26:
"I wish Jim did yoga with me."

So you're saying that
if I had done yoga back then,

I'd be prepared for this date?

Kristen's gonna know that

I've never done yoga before,
isn't she?

I'm sure she's not
expecting you

to be some great yogi.

Well, she may have
gotten the impression

that I was a yogi.

How?

From me giving her
the impression I was a yogi.

I got excited 'cause it seemed
like she was liking me,

and I just wanted things
to keep going in the direction

of her liking me because
that's not a bad direction

for my life to head in.

I mean, one day the kids
will leave the nest,

and you and Trey will be off
on some superyacht somewhere,

and Dad and Rose will be
in an assisted living facility,

fractioning one another's
brains out.

And I just wanna meet somebody
before my sex life

starts measuring in halves.

Jim, you are gonna
meet someone.

You are wildly likeable.

Yeah, except when
I'm doing yoga.

You are naturally flexible.
It's true.

- I know, right?
- Mm-hmm.

But I--I just don't know
how to yoga.

I mean, she's gonna know
that I'm a fraud, unless--

What?

Well, remember
how you used to want me

to do yoga with you?

I mean, like,
so much that you wrote down

a wish list with it?

Well, Julia, I'm gonna make
wish number 26 come true.

You want me to come
to yoga with you

and be your yoga whisperer?

Oh, my God,
what a great idea!

[bright rock music]

And Jim was like,
I don't remember

you asking me to do yoga.

So I showed him proof.

Proof?

What, were you wearing a wire?

No, "Hold Me Close."

With pleasure.

[laughing]

No.

That's the name of the book
that I got Jim and I

for us to save our marriage.

Did you try to get a refund?

Look here.
My wish list,

number 26, which is
"would do yoga with me."

So Sunday, I'm gonna be
his yoga whisperer,


at the Blissful Elephant.

Jim gets list.
Jim never reads list.

Bad for him, good for me.

Unnecessary for us.

Okay--she's jumping! Oh, God!

[laughs]

♪ ♪

I realize that
this wish list was written

for Jim and not for me,
but, uh...

this is a cheat code.

♪ ♪

Mr. Kearney, here's
your ten-class Bliss Passport.

We'll stamp it
for each blissful journey

you take with us.

Well, I look forward
to increasing

my stretching abilities.

[soft ethereal music playing]

[exhales deeply]
Ananda.

[claps]
Jim.

Have a blissful journey.

Thank you, Ananda.

Ooh.

Yoga world's a little
more balmy than I thought.

And Kristen's not here.

Let's stay
at the back of the class.


turn up the AC.

Am I right?
[chuckles]

Right here is good
because no matter where

Kristen puts her mat, she won't
be able to see you back here.

Oh, yeah.

And that way, I can get
a good look at her--

actually, why am I not
saying it?

You and I are not
married anymore.

Her butt.

I want a clean,
unobstructed view of her butt.

Dear God, is it hot.

Maybe because I'm here.

What are you doing here?

Number 18:

"I sometimes wish affection
was expressed poetically."

Baby, I love you so much
that when I'm away from you,

there's an ache in my heart
that can only be soothed

by the radiance of your face.

Are you day drinking?

Yeah, and I'm day drunk
off a case of Julia.

Watch the hangover on that.

- Mwah.
- Go right there.

I wanna get a clean,
unobstructed view

of your butt.

Good morning,
beautiful souls.

That's her.

- The teacher?
- Yeah.

[scoffs]
Dude.

Don't "dude" me.

She--when she told me
this was her class,

she meant it was her class.

Oh, my--she's gonna know
I'm a fraud.

Welcome to hot yoga.

Huh!
So that's why it's so hot!

Jim, you didn't mention
it was hot yoga.

This stuff is intense.

Well, I'm gonna
make a break for it.

Jim!

I'm glad you could make it.

Kristen. Uh, yes.

Yes, I'm just, uh--

I'm just closing this door
to, uh,

trap in the blissfully
debilitating heat.

[gong reverberates]

Sat nam.

all: Sat nam.
- [strained] Sat nam.

Today we'll practice
the Surya Namaskar sequence

used for centuries in India
to train young warriors.

Oh.

Oh! Hello.

For those of you who are new,

we heat the room
to 105 degrees,

which would have been
a nice, breezy day

for young Indian warriors.

[laughter]

Why is that funny?

Yoga humor.

Are you ready?

all: Ha!

[feebly] Ha!

Inhale, arms up.

Exhale, fold.

Inhale, halfway lift...

[upbeat techno music]

♪ ♪

Exhale, adho mukha svanasana.

And jumping back up
to standing.

And again, we--
did I hear someone say,

"Kristen, brr,
I'm chilly-chill-chill"?

Okay then,
let's turn up the heat.

And again,
going through the sequence.

Smooth breath.
Engage your core.

Wow.

Looks like we have
a warrior in our midst.

Yes, you do.

Number 22:

"I wish my husband
would show enthusiasm

for new challenges."

This is such a challenge.

I'm so enthused.

Okay, let's work
on some specifics of our form.

Could someone help me
demonstrate?

Number seven:

"I wish my husband
would volunteer more."

I volunteer.

Oh, our warrior.

Come on up.

Come on into plank for me.

Oh.

- Gorgeous.
- Gorgeous?

See how everything
is on the same plane?

Straight as a warrior's sword.

Why is she talking
about his sword?

She likes 'em straight.

Now, when my warrior lowers
into chaturanga dandasana,

all his body will
kiss the earth simultaneously.

Fantastic.

When is the first
water break?

Let's give our special
warrior a round of applause.

[applause]

What?
This is too slow for you all?

You wanna double-time it?

No.
No--nobody said double-time.

Nobody said anything.

Who is talking to her?

Okay, if you insist,
here we go.

all: Ha!

[feebly] Ha!

If anything
is too challenging,

child's pose is always
a great option.

You know what else
is an option, lady?

Keeping your hands off
other people's swords.

[applause]

That was amazing.

Don't you guys
feel invigorated?

Jim, I-I should
have warned you

how hard this class was.

I felt so bad every time
I looked over at you.

You know how they say,
don't let them see you sweat?

Well, uh, clearly
whatever sociopath

invented hot yoga did not--

I forgot the rest
of that sentence.

Hey--hey, Kristen.

Um, what are you doing later?

You wanna grab a cup of coffee?

Oh, I don't drink coffee.

How about a couple
of gallons of water?

We can go any place
that serves water.

Hey.

That was a great class.
- [grunts]

[grunts]

Thanks for being
my warrior today.

Any time.

I'll see you at home.
Namaste, baby.

Yoga is such a gift.

It's so good for your heart.

Is it, Ananda?

Is it?

Yeah, is it?

[bright rock music]

Yeah, how about
the way Trey was

totally showing off for her?

How would he like it if I had
been flirting with Ananda?

Oh, Ananda, thank you
for checking me in.

I feel so safe and secure
in your capable,

administrative hands.

Oh, stamp my passport.

Yeah, stamp it, right there.

You got it. Right there.
Stamp it. Stamp it.

Right there. Keep stamping.
Keep stamping.

Stamp my bliss. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm your little
bliss miss.

How'd you like that, Trey?

I'm Jim.

You know what I should
have said to Trey?

"Don't you think you're
overdoing it a little bit?"

And he would have said,
"Overdoing it?

I think
you're overreacting, Julia."

And I would have said,
"Overreacting?

I don't think so."
And then he'd go, "What?"

and I'd go, "Yeah,"
and he'd go, "Pfft,"

and I'd go, "Pssh."

Are you having a fight
in your head?

Yeah. I always do.

I like to map things out
mentally beforehand.

This is why I always felt

like I entered our fights
in the middle.

If you're gonna
argue with Trey,

you should let him be there

to defend himself
from the get-go.

You're right.

I--I have to go argue
with Trey face-to-face.

Good.

Today should be a bad day
for everybody.

I mean...
[coughs]

I gotta switch grocery stores

so that I never see Kristen
ever again.

I wish you never gave me
those stupid yoga pants.

Oh, yeah.
Blame it on a Christmas gift.

You know what, Jim?

Kristen did seem genuinely
happy to see you show up.

And even happier
to see me crawl out.

If I were to write
a new list,

number one would be,
"I wish Jim would have

the same confidence he had
when he first asked me out."

I was young and dumb
and had nothing to lose.

And now you're old and dumb
and have nothing to lose.

Food for thought.

Enjoy your fight.

I will.

[bright rock music]

[elevator chimes]

Trey, there's--

there's something
I need to say.

Out loud.
- Sure. Sure.

I'm going to say it now.

Go. Lay it on me.

Um, you know
how I'm pretty good

at managing
other people's conflicts?

Babe, you're better
than pretty good.

You're ferocious.

Sure, I'm ferocious
in my head,

where I fight with other people

instead of directly talking
to them.

What the hell did Jim do now?

No, no, no.
It's--it's about you.

What is it?

You were showing off in yoga.

And--and I didn't know
how to react.

And then she got
all touchy with you

and called you her warrior
and talked about your sword.

And then you were
kissing the earth.

And it was embarrassing,
and I didn't know how to react.

And then I got really jealous,
and I have not been jealous

since I was 16 years old,
and it was really, really bad.

I do not wanna be
jealous again.

I got really, really jealous

about a boy named
Craig Heisner.

And it's really embarrassing
that all of these words

are just blurting
out of my mouth,

so there you go.

I was showing off.

I was showing off for you.

Why were you showing off
for me?

I--you don't need to.
I adore you.

I couldn't be
any more impressed by you.

Yeah, and I wanna
keep it that way.

I wanna be enthusiastic
about new challenges.

I wanna volunteer more.

I wanna express my affection
for you poetically.

You took my wish list
out of the trash.

[laughs]

I did.

But your wishes don't belong
in the trash.

That's really romantic.

Here comes a hug.

No, stop, stop! No. No.

What?

Hot yoga hurts.

[laughs] Oh, my God.

- [groans]
- Baby. Aw.

♪ ♪

Hey, Kristen.

Jim.

You know,
great class yesterday.

Uh, hard class.

Hard--hot, uh--

hard, hot class.

I just--I wanted to apologize
for exaggerating, uh--

actually, inventing
my yoga credentials.

Um, I'm a divorced dad.

I'm dipping my toe
back into dating.

And I just, uh--
- Divorce is brutal.

Yes.
But luckily,

my ex and I are on great terms.

She actually came with me
to the class

with her fiancé, Trey--

his sword was very straight.

You mean the show-off?

I'm so glad you noticed.

My ex and I kept
the family apartment,

and we alternate weeks so that

the kids don't have
to move around.

Oh.
I grew up with divorced parents

and always hated
bouncing back and forth.

It's good you're putting
your kids first.

Very unselfish.
That's some life yoga there.

Sat nam.

Sat nam!

Um...

hey, uh, you think maybe
we could get a--

a cup of something--not coffee.

Maybe a tea or smoothie?

Boba?

Well, I'd k*ll
for a cup of coffee.

You said
you don't drink coffee.

I lied.

Oh, great.
We have something in common.

[laughs]

♪ ♪

And exhaling as you squeeze
your legs into your chest.

This pose is called
pavanamuktasana,

or wind-relieving pose.

And just to relieve anyone
of any embarrassment,

I wanna say that if you find
some wind being released,

then you're doing it right.

Wait, we're supposed to fart?

Well, don't go
out of your way, but...

Yoga.

Where have you been
my whole life?

♪ ♪