01x06 - Battle in the Bush

[bunniefuu]

(avatar grunting)

Hey, Blue, that's enough

of that stupid thing.

Smarten up.

That thing's rotting your brain.

Okay, fine. What?

I don't want you playing that

thing 'til the kitchen's clean.

You told me already.

Well, do it then!

I'm going to next door

to borrow some jam.

Go then, already.

Shut your lip.

You're lucky

I let you play here.

You're lucky

I keep you safe, man.

Alright, come and get me.

(snarling)

(grunting)

(growling)

Beat it! Get out of here!

You can't stop me!

(dogs growling)

Oh, man!

Whoa. What the freak?

What the heck!?

Yes, I can love you, baby

All night long

Man: Get out of here!

Announcer:

You know him! You hate him!

You've got all

these treaty rights,

but he's still not

treating you right!

Let's tell him where to go!

Give it up for,

Mr. Indian Affairs!

(crowd booing)

Give him sh*t, Agnes!

Give him sh*t!

Announcer:

You know him! You hate him!

but he doesn't want

you to get new glasses

or your cavities filled!

Let's tell him where to go!

Give it up for,

Mr. Indian Affairs!

Give 'em sh*t, Jo!

That's my girl!

Announcer:

You know him! You hate him!

And he's about to

put your community

in third party management!

Let's tell him where to go!

Give it up for,

Mr. Indian Affairs!

Good girl!

Give him sh*t, Chickadee!

That's my girl! Boo!

Go on then!

Roger: This is

Laughingstick in the morning

and the NDN Wrestling Federation

is back on the Rez

for its annual

Battle in the Bush.

Some of you are jacked up

and most of y'all are horned up.

So, you make sure your aunties

don't throw their panties!

You save that

energy for show time .

(cheering)

I wanna see Iron Python's snake!

I wanna see the meat!

Rita! You kiss your grandkids

with that mouth?

You can kiss my arse with yours.

There they are!

(cheering)

(crowd cheering)

Chief Deedee.

Huh?

Where's Mr. Indian Affairs?

Oh, yeah. Iron Python told me

he got on the wrong plane

and he's sittin'

in Grouse River.

Poor guy's taken too many

turnbuckles to the head.

We'll just do

the show without him.

We can't do Battle in the Bush

without Mr. Indian Affairs.

That's like having Christmas

without that fat mooniya.

What if we find you a white guy?

Sure, man.

If you want the Iron Python

to k*ll Brady go ahead.

That's a chance

I'm willing to take.

(phone ringing)

Hey, Greg? Thanks for calling.

Look, I wanted to

do the right thing

and report that smashed TV,

but I can totally pay for it.

Greg: Alright, great.

Hey, listen, how did it get

smashed in the first place?

I think it was an accident,

but somebody threw a can

of Little Fatties cat food

to scare a skinny teen

and it smashed the TV.

It's no biggie.

Well, Brady, that kinda

sounds like criminal activity.

Can you tell me who did it?

Um, it was, uh

It was me.

Well, that's bad, Brady.

Yeah. Yeah.

I can see how that's bad, yeah.

We need to talk.

It's really not a good time.

Greg: Brady?

I really need your help.

Greg: Uh, Brady?

Okay, Greg, I'll see you

at the Christmas party.

- Brady?

- Bye-bye!

Brady?

Dean: The VCR's over there.

We've got everything on VHS.

I got all the Porky's movies,

Revenge of the Nerds,

Meatballs,

I got all the horny comedies.

Cool, bro.

My grandma loves those.

Hey, can I keep Bo's food

in the fridge?

These are his mice.

Yeah, of course.

There's just one thing.

No one touches

my f*ck' garlic coil.

It's a Wrestling Day

tradition in my family.

(crowd cheering)

Dean, today's your first

Battle in the Bush,

and as your father,

I'm going to let you

in a family tradition.

This just isn't a garlic coil.

Nothing makes

watching shaved men

fighting in swimsuits better

than eating greasy meat.

And hey, if I die in

a snow mobile accident

on your 14th birthday,

you keep this

meat tradition alive!

(squealing)

Hey.

That wasn't a scared squeal.

That was a happy squeal.

I'm so happy. I love snakes.

Sure, sure.

Bo here's just a showbiz snake.

When I put him on my opponents

at the end of the matches,

he just lies there.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

I'm cool. I'm definitely cool.

I'm cool like a ranch.

- (popping)

- (squealing)

This neechie's afraid of chips.

(laughing)

Jo: Oh, hey. Before I forget.

What do I owe you

for that smashed TV?

Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.

You know, we definitely have

insurance for that

kind of thing, so you--

(gasping)

And for that.

You have pickle insurance?

(screaming)

Clean up on aisle five!

Never mind this sh*t,

we need you to fill in

for a wrestler tonight.

I can't wrestle.

Battle in the Bush is

a big deal and without you,

we might lose our main event.

Look ya scrote,

Wrestling Day means everything

to my mom, ya feel?

Okay, fine.

What do you need me to do?

You gotta be a big,

r*cist, piece of sh*t!

Hm?

Is the snake locked up?

Don't worry, big cheeks.

Bo's in his container.

Okay. Thanks, man!

Call me big cheeks,

I'll f*ck' body slam

you into my big cheeks.

(thudding)

The f*ck was that?

(hissing)

Jo: You're a nice guy.

Thank you.

But we don't need a nice guy.

If you're going to be

a true Mr. Indian Affairs,

you gotta tap into

your inner-colonizer.

Mr. Indian Affairs?

We're gonna put you

through a little test.

I want you to look

my Kookum in the eyes

and tell her that

her housing request is denied.

Agnes, I didn't know

you need a new house.

I don't.

Oh!

(clearing throat)

Agnes.

I'm so sorry.

I did everything I could,

but your housing request

is not approved.

Let me try something now.

Ow-wah!

Now tell this lady

her request has been denied.

(whimpering)

Jo!

Meaner!

Agnes, I'm going to

do my darndest

to get your funding approved.

(groaning)

Mum, Kookum, step aside.

Leave this mooniya to me.

Hey, sunshine, up above

The wide open

places in my mind

You are there--

You stupid snake!

How many times have I told you

you need to stay in your box!?

Leave Big Cheeks alone.

I wasn't even scared!

Yeah, sure.

What are you doing

in here anyway?

You're just as stupid

as this stupid snake!

I'm so mad!

I'm sorry, Bo.

I've got a sister

who hates my guts, too.

(chuckling)

You're not that scary.

Hm.

Chickadee:

Alright, if we're going to get

numb nuts in there

ready to wrestle,

we need to crack the whip.

Whatcha thinking?

I need to break him down

before I build him back up.

Whatever it takes.

Okay, I did

the breaking down part.

I'll build him

back up after lunch.

(sobbing)

Why did she have to be so mean?

I'm worried about Bo, man,

stuck in that bin all day.

Yeah, bro.

And when he's not in a bin,

he stuffs him in a sack.

Sacks are for potatoes, man.

Not a life for anyone.

We gotta get him out

and get him some fresh air.

Sounds like

you guys had a moment.

Yes, we made a connection.

A snake connection, I get it.

We just gotta get him

past Iron Python.

I got you.

You go get snakey.

Man, Porky's still holds up.

I miss a good b*ner comedy.

My grandma said the same thing.

Why do people even

try to make comedies

without peep holes and showers?

(grunting)

Ah, alright.

Who wants to tangle?

It's on!

(men shouting, cheering)

(laughing)

(grunting)

(grunting)

(laughing)

That one looks like

a marshmallow wearing a top hat.

Look at that one, Bo.

That one looks like

a mouse riding a bicycle.

(hissing softly)

You know what, Bo?

I'm really sorry

that Iron Python

treats you the way he does.

You belong out there in the wild

not eating frozen mice.

You and me,

we're basically the same.

People don't trust snakes

just like they didn't trust me

when I was lying about

my time in Winnipeg.

Anyway, our bro day is

just getting started.

Hey, sunshine,

I'm starry eyed

Mush-mush, you b*tch.

I remember all the time

How you got me

with your smile

Nothing seems like

anything's too hard

Nothing's ever easy,

that's for sure

(both screaming)

Whatever comes around

Paul: I've bro'd down

with a lot of bros before,

but this was different, bro.

And thanks for lettin' me talk

your inner-ear off about Rose.

I'm gonna try that

sour cream thing.

(sighing)

It's gettin' late, Bo.

I got to take you back.

The Iron Python, he's going

to be looking for you.

And trust me, this is harder

for me than it is for you.

(crowd cheering)

(bell dinging)

(crowd cheering)

Welcome to Battle in the Bush!

Tonight's main event is

Iron Python versus

Mr. Indian Affairs!

(crowd booing)

Please rise for

Chief Deedee.

(crowd cheering)

(riffing)

(laughing)

(riffing)

(knocking)

Brady let's go!

We need our Mr. Indian Affairs!

I'm sorry, Chickadee.

I can't do it!

That guy is gonna k*ll me.

(knocking)

(crowd cheering)

Hey, Brady locked

himself in the warehouse

and he won't come out.

So we'll, uh,

we'll end it after this match.

(cheering)

Are you crazy?

If Mr. Indian Affairs

doesn't get his a*s kicked,

these people are gonna sh*t.

We just can't

let this match end.

(crowd counting in

Anishanaabeemowin)

(crowd cheering)

It's over! It's over!

f*ck.

Roger, I need you to stall.

You want me to windbag?

I got this.

How's everybody doin' tonight?

(cheering)

I gotta tell you.

All this stuff

going on in the world.

You ever wonder

the prices of flights up here?

Dean: Oh, yeah.

500 bucks just to get here?

Who made the plane, the Queen?

(laughing)

The Queen.

(crowd booing)

Agnes: (knocking)

Brady? It's me.

Let me in.

Sorry, Agnes.

I just can't find it

in myself to do this.

Agnes: But you have to.

Wrestling Day has been

a big deal in our family

for a long time

and the most important

part of it is telling

Mr. Indian Affairs to f*ck off.

That's nice.

Every year he loses,

and for one night,

we get to win.

Our kids get to see

a wrestler who's one of us,

beat the sh*t out of the system

that's taken everything from us.

What I'm saying is,

that you'll get booed

and hit so hard

that it'll hurt for years,

but you just gotta suck it up,

get in that suit,

and get your f*ck'

head kicked in.

Your funding is denied.

You ever try

calling the band office?

Yeah, totally!

The phone will ring all day!

So true.

Who do I got to be to

get someone to pick up?

The Queen!?

- (laughing)

- (crowd booing)

The Queen, dude. Oh, man.

(unclear).

(crowd booing)

(whispering) It's time to

announce the next act.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,

This match is

scheduled for one fall.

Lock up your aunties,

because here comes

the one. the only.

Give it up for Iron Python!

(audience cheering, applauding)

Here he is, right here!

Here he is!

You know him. You hate him.

He wants to take

a dump on your sovereignty.

Let's tell him where to go.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. Indian Affairs!

- (crowd booing)

- (O Canada playing)

(crowd booing)

(crowd heckling)

You want to boo me?!

Submit an application.

(crowd booing)

This what you want!?

This what you want?

This is five bucks!

That's actually

Stephen Harper's seat.

It's cool.

I just wanted to stop by.

Thanks.

I know how much

you like sour cream,

so, you can have mine.

You remembered?

It's not a big deal.

Thanks, Bo.

Crowd:

Kick his a*s! Kick his a*s!

(bell ringing)

And the Battle in the Bush

is underway!

(crowd cheering)

Iron Python continues

to stick it to the man.

(crowd cheering)

(grunting)

You could really feel

the oppression behind that one.

(screaming)

Come on!

I own you!

Now the government's really

going to take care of you!

(grunting)

Oh wait, he's got the red tape!

Try cutting through all this!

I'm gonna break his back

like I break your treaties!

(grunting)

Oh, wait, look at this!

(grunting)

I can't believe it.

He's busted

through the red tape!

(crowd cheering)

(grunting)

(grunting)

(crowd counting in

Anishanaabeemowin)

(bell ringing)

It's over!

(audience cheering)

I got something for you, man.

He's gonna bring out the snake!

It's snake time!

- Yeah!

- (Iron Python laughing)

Roger: Here comes the snake!

(laughing)

What? What's this?

The snake was

supposed to come out,

but it's Dean's garlic coil!

Where's Bo? Where's my snake?!

You! You did this, Big Cheeks!

Go on, Bo. Get out of here!

You have to go. Go, Bo!

Get.

(crying)

Go, Bo!

Give 'em sh*t, Bo!

Give 'em sh*t.

See this?

I'm going to stomp on this.

No!

Oh, wait. Look at this!

(both grunting)

Go to hell!

Dean's pinned

Python for the win!

(counting down in

Anishanaabeemowin)

It's over!

(crowd cheering)

There's mayhem everywhere!

No, no.

We gotta go. We gotta go.

You did it!

You did good.

- Ow, ow, ow.

- Good job, man. Thank you.

(sighing)

Hey, there's some

mail here, man.

Whoa. Paul,

there's a postcard for you.

I never get postcards.

Dean: Yeah.

Hm. "Dear, Paul.

It's your snake friend, Bo.

Hiss, Hiss.

I've just been doing

some snake sh*t on the ground,

eating mice and stuff.

I met a sexy lady

and she gives the best hickies.

(chuckling)

I took a job

with a nine to five.

Hiss, hiss.

Working for the Man sucks,

but I get my own truck

and I found the coolest

shades on the ground.

I miss you like crazy.

P.S. f*ck L'il Tony.

Dean is the one true movie man.

So, who's it from, bro?