03x01 - My Big Fat g*y Greek Holiday

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains very strong language,
scenes of drug use and adult humour from the start

Shannon's in labour. We gotta go
hospital! I want my nan! I'm sorry.

I love you, Nanny Bingo.

Hello, hello. Oh, hello, hello.

I put my nan into a care
home, which is hard.

It's sad, innit, yeah, but...

How are you going to
f*cking live with yourself?

N'night, Laurie.

You deserve to be
happy and loved.

Aww, Russell. Cheers.

Do you know what happens to
full-time fashion graduates?

Mothercare. Mamas
and Papas. Matalan.

What do I do?

Don't, don't. It's done.

I will always choose
you, Danny King.

I'll always choose
you, Soppy Girl.

Mmm, salty.

The summer of 2015.

Pre-Brexit, pre-Covid,
pre-air fryers.

It was a happier, simpler time.

And, for my 21st birthday,
we put away our phones,

muted our Grindr notifications
and immersed ourselves in nature.

God, look - it's a turd.

There's a floater

Oh, no, wait. That's just
a Newcy Brown Ale bottle.

So how's things
going with Corinne?

Yeah, I'm loving it.

You know, I think we've got
this real, like, genuine,

like, trusting
intimacy, you know?

Is it big? Ugh.

It's-it's not BIG
big, as such, but...

..you know, it's really nice and
it's just... it's right for me.

I mean, look, it is
a lot of pressure.

You know, I've not been in
a relationship like this

in a while but, you
know, I respect her.

He has the most
incredible arse. Mm.

Like, I don't know if
he'd ever let me peg him,

but the thought
casts adrift my mind.

I suppose I'm secretly terrified

but I guess that's what falling
in love with someone's like.

You know, you've just got to
get out your comfort zone.

We tried piss play.

What?! Did you like it?

I'd give it two
stars, to be honest.

Yeah, the clean-up
was a bit of a faff.

What about you, Jacky
boy? How's your love life?

You still chatting
up that Oscar lad?

He's f*cking an
underwear model. Oh,

The lad's got a massive bulge.
I just can't compete with that.

What have I told you?

It's not about the
bulge on the outside.

It's the bulge on the
inside that counts.

I don't know what
I mean by that.

HE SIGHS I just
feel like I'm 21,

I still haven't lost my
penetrative virginity,

and it's like, how do I have
a contactless debit card

and I still haven't been bummed?

HE LAUGHS

HE THUDS AGAINST SEAT Oh,
f*ck's sake, Danny! Whoa!

Get it out! All
right, all right. Now.

Urgh. Jesus. There's
barely anything in it.

Yes, there is, Danny.

For f*ck's sake. Not-not everything
has to be laddy f*cking banter,

all right? All right, chill
out. It was an accident.

No need to be a...

BINGO CALLER: Prick
on my knee! 23.

How ya doin', Nan?

Shut up. I'm doing
well. Shut up. Soz.

One fat lady with a
walking stick. 81.

I do wish they wouldn't
fat shame the number eight.

My wife's a cancer
on all our lives. 65.

That's number 65.

You've a Code Two, Shan.

Oh, my God. Code Two alert. Yep.

Tweak of the thumb, 51.

Red raw, 64.

Down on your knees, 43.

Granny's getting
frisky, it's number 60!

THEY SCREAM

f*cking BINGOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Mum threw me a 21st B-day buffet

which got upstaged by my
cousin, Shannon, winning...

�17,000!

I know - it's a life-changing
amount of money.

That's not that much.

You're secretly a
Tory and I hate it.

So I'm going to spend
some of it on setting up

ShanAndNan-nigans Party
Planners LTD Incorporated

and then an all-incluse
holibobs-your-uncle to Greece.

And you're all invited!

What? Yes!

You're not ALL
invited. You lot, no.

Just invest it, Shan.

What in? oil and gas? Nan,
please, the world's on fire.

Have you not heard
of climate change?

No, instead, we are
all flying to Greece.

Nan's right, Shan.

Well, Nan isn't coming, is
she? Because she doesn't fly

ever since Jack made her
watch that 9/11 documentary.

Sorry, Nan.

I just really want to connect
with my late father's culture.

You know, I just want to celebrate
the fact that I'm actually Greek.

You're barely Greek.

You're not the only one with
a dead dad, Jack, all right?

I have a dead dad, too - I just
don't go on about it every day.

I'm sorry about saying that,

but there's loads of
g*y bars in Faliraki -

you're going to love it.

Now, as an apology,
you can bring one pal.

Yemi. I need a wingman.

Fine. I'll come to sit
on the beach and read.

You'll love the hairy
Greek guys, Jack.

You're pulling pubes out your
teeth for days, but... the meat?

What's your favourite
type of hols, then?

Well, I love wild
camping in the Highlands.

Yeah, just exposed,
against the elements,

and, like, reconnecting
with nature. You?

Ayia Napa is sick.

Hey, Corranny... Urgh,
please don't call us that.

I like it. OK.

Well, you're v-v
welcome to join.

Aww. Really? But, um... I can
only cover airport transfers.

Yeah, of course. Like, I've
actually got some savings

and I'd love to take
the missus on holiday.

Oh, please don't
call me "the missus".

Although I am financially
dependent on you

until my Student Loan
comes in. Are you?

I thought all uni was all
free if you're from Scotland?

Only if you study in Scotland.

LAUGHING: Right, well, you're
a silly cow, then, aren't you?

Oh, you lot crack me up,
getting into all that debt.

You're still paying your Wonga
payday loans, aren't you?

What have I told you
about mentioning Wonga?

You just have to ruin your
birthday for me, don't you?

MUSIC: Don't Mug
Yourself by The Streets

♪ A new day, another
morning after

♪ Leanin' back on my chair
in a greasy spoon cafeteria

♪ Last night was some
beer-lairy-ness done our way

♪ But again, we're back
in the light of day... ♪

Oh, no. Oh, no!

I'm... Guys... Guys,
I'm stuck in the thing.

Ow, Danny. Oh, sorry.

Why is the suitcase so big?
We're here four nights.

You'll find out, all right? Just
go in with them. I won't be a sec.

No, I don't like it. I
don't like it in here!

Right, Jack, help me.

Corinne! Stop push...

♪ You need to hold it down,
Jack, put your phone back

♪ Quit starin' into space and
eat your snack, that's that

♪ She'll want you much
more for not hangin' on

♪ Stop me if I'm wrong,
stop me if I'm wrong... ♪

This is all so, so
generous of you, Shan.

Yeah.

It's our holiday. BABY COOS

Er, excuse me, Rolf Harris?

Sorry, sorry. I thought...

Are we not all staying
in a big family bed?

Oh, my God, Tariq. We haven't
even had a first date.

We had a kebab in my van?.

No, that was a legally
advised informal meeting

to discuss the terms
of our co-parenting.

Sorry, I just... I just
presumed that we...

Right, well, never presume.

It makes an a*s
out of you and me.

Sorry, Jack. I'll have the
baby monitor next to my bed,

and I do suffer with
severe sleep apnoea.

Hope that's OK.

SHE CHUCKLES

Aww...

Miss Gahimiri?

Huh! ♪ Ta-da! ♪

I hope this is a joke.

No.

I mean, you said how much you
love, you know, wild camping and...

I mean, the hotel was a
bit on the spenny side,

so I thought, you know, why not
fuse your favourite holiday...

..with the delights
of outdoor Greece?

It is 36 degrees, Danny.

FLIES BUZZ Yeah, it's hot.

It's boiling.

It'll be cooler in there.

Ah...

Oh, my God, I'm melting. Oh, it is,
it's bad. It is bad. It's awful.

Do you think you're going to
be able to have sex with me?

I drank a lot of water before.
I don't want that on top of me.

We're not allowed to use
the hotel shower. But...

So where are we
supposed to wash?

And if you f*cking
say, "The sea," Danny,

I... Honest, I swear to god...

Is that honestly where you
thought we were gonna wash?!

Obviously I was gonna say the
sea! What else was I gonna say?

You turned your nose
up at the neck fan...

Get that away from me. ..and
we've not even... Just...

FAN WHIRS QUIETLY

Hmph!

What a plonker. CORINNE SOBS

You are staying with me.

Shall we have a spliff
on the balcony? Mm?

I smuggled in some
hash in my carry-on.

Yes, please. Yes?

Ooooh! Yeah.

Oh! Thank you.

Shannon... Yeah?

..what drove you to set up your
own party-planning company?

Aww, Yemi. Um...

I love a party, I love a plan,

and I love working for me,
although ultimately the main goal

is to be Lord Sugar's
next Apprentice, so...

So, Yemi, you thinking of
starting your own business, then?

Yep. My dream is my
own forward-thinking,

convention-challenging
womenswear brand.

Wow!

Do you like my Bonmarche kaftan?

Cos I think that's pretty
convention challenging?

Yeah, it's, um... Yeah.

Yeah, I'll a design kaftan
one day - you can model.

Did you hear that,
Pegs? Yeah! Oh, my God!

Tariq, did you hear that?

OVER MONITOR:
Yeah. It's amazing.

Did you hear that, Jack?

Yes, we all f*cking heard it!
We're all literally sat together!

OK.

What's the story in Balamory?

Oh, I don't know, maybe
sharing a room with four men,

one of whom snores
like he cannot breathe.

TARIQ: Sorry. I am waiting for

an NHS procedure to
widen my left nostril.

Ooh! Daniel Craig at 12 o'clock.

Is Danny' middle name Craig?

Oh, my God.

Wow. What a woman.

She's like something out
of a Special K advert!

She's been with
those lads for hours.

Yes, noted.

Do you know what? I reckon we
should all go to a g*y bar tonight.

You know? Or just...

..anywhere where there's
less Greek fellas

who clearly want to
just shag my girlfriend.

Jack?

Jack!

Oh, my Christ!

OTHERS CHUCKLE

Your second-degree burns
aren't going down well

with the Faliraki g*y community.

The Faliraki g*y
community are amazing.

I've just met a drag
queen called Sue Vlacki.

Everyone keeps buying me drinks.

Yeah, cos they think you're g*y.

Duh. I'm secure
enough in my sexuality

not to worry if
people think I'm g*y.

And I can't help it, Jack,
if I'm the masculine Adonis

of Greek g*y boys' dreams.

Maybe I should buy a
guy a drink! That's it.

To be honest, Jack, I think
that may be your only tactic.

Every guy here is very much giving
masc looking for masc, and you?

You look like a prawn.

TAP RUNS

TAP STOPS Right, Peg,
bathroom's all yours.

Oh, you look gorgeous.
Like a young Neneh Cherry.

I don't know who that is, but
I bet she's as fit as f*ck.

THEY LAUGH I won't be back late.

Be as late as you like.

CAMERA CLICKS

Where's Corinne?

The lesbians keep
buying her shots.

Oh... there she is.

Hmm. You all right?

Why aren't you chatting
up any Greek lads?

I ain't seen you on Grindr once.

Because I am here in Greece,
Danny, not for her but for here.

And on holidays like these, Danny,
I am so often fetishised by g*y men

that I will no longer
allow that for myself.

Look around.

This place is whiter than being
outside the M25 on Christmas Day.

Now, are you OK?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. We're...

..very secure, so...

THEY CHANT: Corinne!
Corinne! Corinne! Corinne!

That's massive. I'm just...

Ugh...

Do you know Tariq tried
to kiss me yesterday?

SHE SCOFFS

It's like, "OK, we're not on
Hollyoaks Later or something."

But you like him, don't you?

What? No. What? Where
have you got that from?

You had a baby together.

Oh, right, OK!

What, cos I have a
baby with someone,

it means I'm just giving it
away, does it? It's 2015, Peggy.

I think you need to read some
Caitlin Moran - immediately.

Well, I don't understand
this modern dating.

Russell has seen my towel selfie
and he ain't messaged me since.

Really?

Blue ticks, no reply.

Oh, my God, that is a red flag,
Peggy. That's a flag de rouge.

No. Get it up on Facey-B,

get the likes coming in,
get the comments coming in -

we'll show him what
he's missing out on.

All right, geez.
How's it hanging, man?

Er... OK.

Do-do you want a drink?

Er, yeah, mate, nice.

I'm just a normal bloke, so
just a big... beer would do me.

Er...

Corinne! Can I have a chat?

Yep.

Are you, like, purposely trying
not to spend time with me, or...?

Like, I know I f*cked it
with the accommodation,

but, like, I had good intent.

Sorry, 'scuse the pun.

What? You jumped around with
three Greek fellas all afternoon.

The Greek fellas?

Yep, the ones that I kept
gesturing for you to come and join,

who are now all snogging
each other in the corner?

Yep.

Well, I mean... Yeah.

..you're enjoying the
attention of these girls now.

Oh, wow. Just cos I'm bi,

then surely I must want to eat
all these girls out, right?

You just munched through
a kofte with that one.

You're ridiculous
sometimes, Danny.

If you're upset because I haven't
been spending enough time with you,

then, yes, actually,
for that I'm sorry, OK?

I was f*cked off
and I wanted space.

But all your other qualms
can truly get to f*ck.

Sorry, can I just get my
bag? Nice to meet you.

Corinne, I'm...

So whilst you were
in the doghouse,

Dmitri here sweetly ordered me the
girliest, coldest drink possible.

Argh!

FISHBOWL SHATTERS Argh, my skin!

Ah... Oi! Ah, I'm sorry.

Argh! Argh! All
right, all right...

It burns! It burns!

Still no reply from Russell,
but my Facey-B is popping off.

Oh, how many comments? Four.

f*ck off. What they saying?

Um... "Looks like you're
having a cheeky holiday."

"Bottoms up, girl."

Er, "Nice to see the
back of you." What?

And Gary from the
pub has put up, um...

Ph, "Nice arse, Pegs."

SHE GASPS Oh, my
God! Oh, my God!

Oh, sh*t. Oh, no.

Oh, sh*t, Peggy!

I didn't know my
arse was out. Oh.

And he still hasn't
f*cking replied.

Men are c**ts!

Big old dooby, Peggy?

Yeah.

♪ Men are c**ts, men are
c**ts, men are c**ts... ♪

BOTH: ♪ Men are c**ts, men
are c**ts, men are cuuu... ♪

The thing is,

I know Danny messed
up with you, but...

..he's a good boy.

Yeah, he's just such an
insecure prat sometimes.

Do you know, when I was really
scared when I was having the baby...

..Danny held my hand so tight...

Oh...

..and just as I was starting
to push and push and push,

and I was sh1tting out turds,
like, all over the birthing bed,

just like...

And this toxic stench, honestly,
hit the back of everyone's nostrils.

At the same time, it was like
tarmac filling up a pothole,

And Danny...

I'm going to get
emotional, but Danny...

..just f*cking held
my hand even tighter.

And, as far as I'm concerned,

that is the sign of
a really good bloke.

RETCHING AND SPLATTERING

Oh, my God. Peggy,
have you been sick?

CORINNE: Urgh...

Oh, my God, you look
like Michael Jackson!

Ugh...

You know, I spend most of
winnings on this holiday

and everyone just
looks bloody stressed!

Peggy got absolutely
rat-arsed last night,

Yemi's not even bothered to come
down for breakfast, brunch or lunch.

He's having a kip...

..cos none of us
could get any sleep.

I mean, I survived
the 2004 tsunami,

so I suppose any holiday's
better than that.

Shh, Tariq. This
isn't about you.

Right, OK, tonight,
we need to cheer up,

go beach bar and take
some of this choccy

that I got off a geezer in
the smoking area last night.

Was it a white guy with dreadlocks
that was selling magic mushrooms?

No comment.

All I wanted this trip
was to sit with friends,

have a Fanta Limon,
some nice olives,

and just get f*cked up the arse.
But it's just been a disaster.

Honestly, I don't think you
were going to do it anyway.

Your first time should be
with someone you trust.

If you're at all
asking me, then no.

Yeah, no, I wasn't asking you.

I mean, it maybe would've
been a good idea, but...

..alas, I am solely
here to read, so...

Of course.

But, er, maaaaybe the thought of
you and me had crossed my mind...

..but we're just friends.
Yeah, we couldn't do that.

Yeah, no, we couldn't.

We couldn't do that.

No, we couldn't do that.

We couldn't do that.
We couldn't... do that.

And we actually can't do that

because Tariq's in our room
with Lauren all night, so...

PHONE CHIMES

FAINT MUSIC

SHOWER DOOR CREAKS

Oh, Danny!

Corinne. I'm really,
really sorry, right?

I was a royal prick last night.

And I was just, like, put out and
paranoid and I just... I'm sorry.

For you.

Thank you.

And I'm sorry for
cold-shouldering you.

It's all right.

MUSIC CONTINUES #S

Do you remember the
routine? The routine? Yeah.

Of course I remember the routine.
I invented the routine. Yeah.

You ready? five, six,
seven, eight, to the right.

♪ At night, I think of you... ♪

And across.

♪ I wanna be your lady, maybe

♪ If your game is on,
give me a call, boo... ♪

Jack, Jack, Jack, why are
you always trying to have sex

in a disabled toilet facility?

Er, well, after my dad died,

when I wanted to
have a cry at school,

I used to go in
the disabled loos,

just because it's more
spacious, you know?

I could put my blazer up there,

I could put my laptop here

and watch Lorraine
whilst on the loo.

Right. No, Jack.

If we're going to have a trusting
intimate encounter as friends,

then we do need some
modicum of self-respect.

Ooh, I know!

♪ I follow you

♪ I, I follow

♪ I follow you, dark doom, honey

♪ I follow you

♪ I, I follow

♪ I follow you, deep sea, baby

♪ I follow you

♪ I, I follow

♪ I follow you, dark doom, honey

♪ I follow you... ♪

I think I do like Tariq.

DISTORTING: But
it just scares me.

Cos, like, what if I f*ck him
off one day then he just leaves?

Like, everyone leaves
me - my dad, my mum,

Ginger Spice.

Look, Shan, just go
for it with Tariq.

Only take it slow.

I'm going to find him.

Now. I'm going to
go find him now.

Oh, no, I didn't
mean... Yep. Oh.

PHONE CHIMES

Ack!

SHE SPLUTTERS

And so this was where I finally
lost my bumming virginity,

with one of my best mates,
on the edge of a Greek cliff,

like George Michael
would've wanted.

Is it weird if I say
I really enjoyed that?

I would hope so! I did, too.

But is it mad that happened?

No, not really.

We would've had sex
the first night we met

if you hadn't ripped
out my septum piercing.

And then I got to
know you, Jack,

and I... I really didn't
want to have sex with you,

because you were
clearly a novice. Right.

But now...

..I think you're ready,
and that was nice.

But do you think we
should have done that?

We're not Danny and Corinne.

Look, we are never
going to do that again,

but I don't regret it,

and, actually, you were a lot
better than I thought you'd be.

Aw, thank you, Yemi.

However, I will have to write you
down some pointers for next time.

Pointer one - do not
call anybody "Daddy".

Uh-huh. Yep. No.

Pointer two...

BIRDSONG

Ah! What the f*ck?!

Hey.

You OK? Yeah, you?

Yeah.

I'm on mushrooms.

You OK? Yeah, I
just said I'm OK.

OK.

You know, I just feel like...

..me and you, we've
drifted a bit, you know?

And it's just...

Guys, can you whisper, please?

What are you doing in here?

I can't remember, but
Tariq isn't here, is he?

Guys, please can
we keep it down?

Corinne, what...? Is
everyone in this room?

TARIQ: I'm actually sleeping
in the bathtub in the bathroom.

Oh, my God! Who's with the baby?

YEMI: I'm with the baby.

We're just sat on the
balcony, watching the sunrise.

Aww, thanks, Yemi.
Yeah, thanks, Yemi.

Shh, Tariq! People are trying
to sleep in here. Sorry.

PEGGY: Shan, you should
come out on the balcon -

the sunrise is gorgeous.
DANNY SINGS TUNELESSLY

Aww! Yeah, OK.

OH, MY GOD! WILL EVERYONE
JUST SHUT THE f*ck U...?!