03x04 - Eurovision, Brexit & Shloer

[bunniefuu]

With five months to go before
handing in our dissertations,

Corinne forced us to go where you
and me had barely been before -

the Brent Uni library.

I left my charger at
home, I've got to go back.

No, no, you're not getting out
of it that easy, my friend.

You've got your topic now,
it's time to research.

All right. Let's just hope I've
got enough batty on my lappy.

Batty on my lappy?

Yes, batty on my lappy, so
I don't need my charger.

Batty on my lappy.

It smells like BO and old books.

And c*m.

Yeah, it does smell like c*m.

Yeah, there's one of those trees
outside that smell like c*m.

Right, firstly,
don't embarrass me.

I'm pretty well
respected in these parts

and this is quite
a sanctuary for me.

All right, Hermione.

Secondly... the
tribes of the libes.

Over there, we have
the super-hot nerds.

No, they won't fancy you,

They're attracted to
Mensa levels of intellect

and Kardashian
levels of thigh gap.

Even I'm not good
enough for them.

Then there's the masturbators,
always caught jacking off.

Yeah, I've seen this lot
before, dirty b*stards.

And there's the LARP society,
planning their meet-ups.

Ah, that sounds like
a LARP, what's LARP?

Live-action roleplay!
And finally,

we have the bisexual
girls with boyfriends

who meet up to discuss
women's lit. Hi, girls.

All girls are bisexual nowadays.

It's great.

David's dead.

No, he's not!

SHE WAILS

This is not research.
Sh! David's dead.

David who? Precisely!

We think it's Angie's
ex-husband David,

but the housemates
think it's David Gest,

who's just asleep in bed,

and the David who is dead is an
entirely different David altogether.

No, it is just Angie's ex-husband,
David Bowie, who is dead.

Oh, my God, David Bowie
is dead? Yes, keep up.

I'm so confused.

Which Dave is actually dead?

So that January through
till May of final year,

we did the one thing we hadn't
really done so far at uni.

We worked.

♪ Spring, sun, winter, dread

♪ I don't want to get older

♪ No way, no way

♪ Spring, sun, winter, dread

♪ I don't want to get older... ♪

Ugh!

f*ck off!

♪ Give me batty on my
lappy, keep me working

♪ Give me batty on
my lappy, I pray.

♪ Give me batty on my
lappy, keep me happy

♪ Keep me happy in
the library... ♪

PHONE BEEPS

f*ck! f*ck, Danny, sh!

It's Mark, I can't... Wait,
when will you be back?

Hello? Danny boy,

your favourite criminal
has been released.

Deirdre Rachid?

They've let me out early
for being a good boy.

Didn't even have to finger
none of the screws or nothing.

You're joking! I bet Big Dave
on G Wing was gutted. Yeah!

Where are you now? I'm
down in Margate, mate.

Listen, I've got a little
proposition for you.

If you're asking me to sell drugs
along the promenade with you,

it's a big no. No!

I'm on the straight and narrow
now, Dan, proper, all right?

I'm looking at a nice little
two-bed flat by the sea,

and so I was thinking,
in a couple of months,

when you're done with uni and that,
you can come and live with me, Dan,

make our teenage
dream come true, son.

Mate, I don't know.

Oh, Come on, look, I can
help you look after Nan,

and we can sort of
figure out what...

what we want to do
with that and, erm...

..and, yeah, mate, be the f*cking...
Del Boy and Rodders of Thanet again.

Yeah, but, mate, I've sort of
built my life round here now.

Yeah, but London's a
bit expensive, innit?

And it's not home
home, is it, Dan?

Like, we're Kent
bods, mate, all right?

You can take us out of Kent, but you
can't take Kent the out of us, Dan.

Yeah, sadly.

Look, I'm sorry Mark, but...
this is where I'm really happy.

Yeah, mate?

All right, mate, well... yeah,
no, it's just an idea, innit?

I just think... It's all right,
mate, it's all right, I'll, erm...

I'll be all right, Dan, I'm...
good as gold mate, erm...

Yeah, listen, I've
just got to go mate.

One sec, someone's just
ringing me. Love you, mate.

♪ I love to look... ♪

You'd waited four years
for him to come out,

and then when he did,

you felt you'd put the
distance right back.

And soon enough, Mark just stopped
replying to any of your messages.

HE SIGHS

Erm..

Not to pester but, erm...

..the sex?

We can't. Yes, we can.

No, come on, leave it. OK.

Well, maybe tonight? Cos
it's been a while since we...

I know. Yeah. Yeah, later.

OK.

♪ A dozen men

♪ 30 days with 24 hours in each

♪ Of shattered
boyhood dreams... ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to... ♪
Shh!

Oh, poo!

I forgot you can't be
loud in the library.

Thanks, guys. Just
quickly before I forget,

you all have to stop
singing Batty On My Lappy.

Because someone has
complained about it.

ALARM RINGS Oh, my
God! Is there a fire?

It's cos I can't hear! Is
it the fire alarm? Yes!

I can't hear it,
I can't hear it!

I don't if there's a
drill, I'll find out!

Who's in ch... I'm in
charge, I'm in cha...!

So... Thank you.

Happy Mother's Day, Mum!

Nan!

Oh!

And Shan!

Mwah! Dark chocolate
always helps me go.

It's a bit better than that Mother's
Day present a couple years ago.

What? We don't talk
about that, Shannon.

Oh, my God! So the first
Mother's Day after Laurie dies,

Jack takes us to be in the live
studio audience of Dancing On Ice.

Nice! It's a total palaver.

We arrived late, no-one could
sit together, Nan leaves.

I find Torvill and Dean have
a very, very dark energy.

And Pegs is sat next to
this woman, aren't you?

Who she sort of recognises...

I just couldn't put
my finger on it.

No, but when the camera
came round, right,

the whole audience
claps for this woman,

and then we suddenly
realised she was the mother

of a recently drowned child!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, my God! It was so funny!

Oh, I'm sorry but come... on.

It was funny.

I actually heard
from my mum today.

Same.

She's over from Oz in May.

Yeah, so we're going to have
a really big first birthday

for Lauren-Sienna
on the 14th of May.

It's Eurovision - only
thing we have in common.

So if you can please
co-ordinate your sweepstake,

invite your mates, yeah.

Shan, don't keep your hopes up,

because Eileen might postpone, like
she has done the last six times.

No, she won't.

She won't.

I know what she's like...

..but she's not
going to let me down.

♪ Daniel

♪ When I first saw you

♪ I knew that you had

♪ A flame in your heart... ♪

Can I help?

No.

No, sorry.

It's OK.

♪ I found a home in your eyes

♪ We'd never be apart... ♪

Like, I just keep telling myself

that when he's on good form,
he's the best boyfriend,

but... when he's
not, I just lose him.

You're doing all you can.

I'm going to give it a year.

Stay in London.

I'm just going to look for
a paid internship or...

..a job to get me by.

OK.

I will withdraw your
masters application.

But I will say your
dissertation reads boring

so interview some
real women, please.

♪ And when the fires came... ♪

So whilst you and Corinne
continued to drift,

I was busy shagging
half of campus.

Cos when you're doing
your dissertation on a**l,

it requires a very
practical set of research.

Let's do roleplay.

Live-action roleplay...

You're fast at that.

Why are you wearing that?!

I'm cheering on England tonight.

We're in Eurovision
as United Kingdom.

They're Welsh.

I just love that our act's called
Joe and Jake, you know? So chill.

I mean the song's a bit sh*t,
all the songs are shite.

Danny, Eurovision's my culture.

I learnt about
footballers for you.

I know who Hector...
Bellerin is.

Hector Bellerin, I didn't even
tell you about him anyway,

I don't even support
Arsenal, you just fancy him.

Well, I know that he's...

..right wing?

Right-back, Jack.

Or wing-back. I don't
know about his politics.

If Mum doesn't show up, I'm going
to stop sending baby pics on FaceyB.

Hey, remember what they said to
you on the This Morning phone-in.

GEORDIE ACCENT: "Don't use
your baby as a weapon"!

Well, I'll weaponise my baby
whenever I like, thank you, Denise.

Russell's doing well, isn't he?

Is it awkward with
him and Auntie Peggy?

Yeah, they're just friends.

They just get a bit lonely
sometimes and want some company.

But I did say to her, I was like,
"Pegs, if you want to do a U-turn,

"then we've got loads of lube
and johnnies that she can use,

"cos we don't need them any
more." Could we maybe...

Do you want to keep the lube?
Yeah. Fine, I'll tell her.

DOORBELL

Do I look all right?

Fit MILF!

Thank you.

Hi, Mum! Yeah, hiya.

Take that.

Oh, thanks. What's that, then?

It's my Shloer.

Shloer? Yeah, Shloer,
it's all I drink.

Oh, right, I don't think
I've ever tried Shloer.

All right, well, you can have
a sip of my Shloer if you like.

Thanks.

OK, come on, I can't be standing
out here like a Lib Dem.

Sorry, yeah, come in,
yeah. You look really good.

Yeah, I know.

There's a sugar free one in
there. You could try that.

Nice to see you, Mum.

Will you give it a rest?

You can't be dissertationing
at a party, it's rude.

Is it?

Look, I've 3,000 words left and
the deadline's days away, so.

Well, I re-started my
dissertation last month,

so I've got 20,000 words left
and I'm still having a day off.

What? You restarted?! Danny,
why didn't you tell me?

Cos you're not my mum.

PHONE BUZZES

Shan, yeah, I mean, don't take
this personally or anything,

cos when all's said and
done at the end of the day,

I'm just telling it how it is cos
that is just me all over. Yeah.

But he's really handsome.

Yeah, he's lovely. Yeah.

He's lovely.

Yeah, he's lovely.

Do you ever think about that?
Yeah, sometimes. What do you mean?

Nothing, just...
you know, it's...

Yeah, no, I know, he's fit.

Stoic.

A lot like the bloke.

How are you doing
Jack? With your degree?

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

I could've gone to
uni, I'm clever enough,

but just my family was
disgustingly poor, so.

Thankfully, I'm now just about
to buy a six-bedroom townhouse

with a swimming pool shaped
like a mermaid's tail.

But in Australia, so.

So thanks for
agreeing to talk to me

about what makes a
successful woman.

So, just for the record, could
you please state your name?

Oh, er...

Nan.

No, like your full name.

Oh, Nanny Bingo.

No, like your proper name?

Oh, er, Shannon.

Your name is Shannon? Shannon.

Interviewing successful
women, are we?

Because I have actually
been consistently voted

one of the best Weight
Watchers group leaders

in the whole of
south-west Australia so...

Oh, no babe, no, I think
Weight Watchers is a cult

forcing people to boil down their
nutrition into numerical mind-games

whilst creating a
long-term profit strategy

feeding off of women's
self-hatred, so, no.

Well, I mostly have men
in my groups anyway,

cos I find them a
bit less whingy.

Why don't you interview
my successful daughter?

Apparently she's
a party planner.

f*ck's sake!

Excuse me. Oh.

Your mum's lovely, but she
keeps calling me Stoic.

My name's Tariq.

♪ But it's not quite right

♪ And this real

♪ It's impossible if
possible at whose blind word

♪ So clear but so unheard... ♪

TV: ..Switch off for the TV
viewers, we're going to cut in live,

and we're going to have
like a dance party in here!

Yeah, we're gonna have
a dance party in here!

Hey.

Do you want a drink?
No, thank you.

How many have you had?

Oh, don't.

Er...

Is there anything here that isn't
like cheap ultra-processed meat?

I'm not eating anything
that once had a face

but has been reconstituted
into another face.

All right.

Careful, Shannon - leave
some for everyone else!

Shan.

Yeah?

Can I say something,

and you promise you'll
forgive me whatever I say?

Yeah.

Eileen has always been
and continues to be

a small-minded, ignorant,
spiteful little prick.

She left you at 11.

She's weak.

But you, Shan...

..you're brave and
funny and gorgeous,

and despite how hard you've
found it having a baby,

you're having another.

Cos you're making a beautiful
family for yourself.

And she will always be
a stupid f*cking cow.

In Australia.

Yeah.

Peggy...

I think of you like my mum.

You're like my mum, really.

And like even with everything you've
been through with Uncle Laurie,

and like...

..getting your Facebook hacked
loads by those Russian bots,

it's just like...

..you've always
been there for me.

So I just... I
really love you, OK?

Yep. Yeah.

TV: ..To Sweden!

Ah, sorry, Russell.

Well, they sounded like the
foxes who shag behind my bins.

LAUGHTER

It's all political anyway.

We're not getting f*ck all votes
from no-one. They hate us, the EU.

This Brexit vote next month,

I wish I was staying
longer to vote us out.

Ah, I suppose you're all
Team Remain in this gaff.

I'm not. What? What?

Well, I'm thinking about it.

All right? I'm from
Thanet in Kent.

No-one gives a sh*t about our lot
whether we're in the EU or not.

We're just a f*cking gateway.

Thanet's not the reason to leave
the whole of the EU, Danny.

Well, you would say
that, wouldn't you?

You got it cushty, you're sort
of ex-working class, anyway.

Nice gaff. I mean, you
write sodding poems!

OK, come on, this is Eurovision,
it's supposed to be about...

..peace and unity.
PHONE BUZZES

And sequins.

Can you come upstairs
with me, please?

I don't want to.

Please. I said I don't want to.

Take my hand and come
upstairs with me, Danny.

Come on.

Why are you ignoring
these calls, pal?

I don't know, Corinne.

I don't want to know.

OK.

You're going to down this water.

Danny, look at me.

You're going to down this water,

and I'm going to call them.

OK?

OK.

No. Give it here, I'll do it.

Are you...? Yeah.

Where have you two been?
Having a laugh! Oh, joking.

In the kitchen, just
having a biscuit.

Well, we're only watching
this crap cos of you.

Maybe if you weren't here, I'd
be sat in here watching it.

Oh, here we go.

Do you know what, Eileen, you are
so spiteful when you've had a drink.

I'm on Shloer.

I don't know what Shloer is!

I don't know what it is! Does
that make me a bad person?

Does that make me
an idiot, does it?

Does it mean you should
constantly neg me

when you haven't
seen me in years?!

All right, don't Shloer
your words! Stop!

Right, so...

..it's either
Ukraine or Australia.

PHONE BUZZES

So it's Tariq or..
Eileen who could win.

Wouldn't it be funny if Australia
wins the Eurovision? Hmm!

Just booked a job, Pegs.
Yeah. See you in a bit, yeah?

I've got to go and
see Nan now. OK.

Um... I don't want anyone
knowing, all right?

I'm just going to go, like slip out
and get the train to Margate, yeah?

Yeah, no, that's fine.
Let's get our stuff, yeah?

TV: Eurovision
Song Contest 2016!

THEY CHEER Congrats, Tariq!

Here's your winnings.

No, you're all right.
Give them all to Eileen.

What?

I'd like you to leave my
daughter's birthday, please.

I've booked Russell's
mini-cab to take you away.

And I'd like you to
apologise to Shannon.

See, all night
you've just been...

..chipping away, and
I'm not having it.

I'm not having anyone
upset my fiancee.

What?

Sugar, I was supposed
to do that bit first.

Er...

Just one second.

Er, yeah.

Shan...

..will you m...? No.

Oh.

No, no, as in... no,
don't do the knee thing,

cos you being smaller
than me gives me the ick.

Stand up straight,
baby, stand up straight.

Shan...

..will you marry...? Oh!

Yeah!

Yeah? Yeah! Yeah!

Put it on my finger.

Oh, my God, I love it!

Sorry, pardon me, everyone.

I've just got to, erm...
give Lauren the good news.

I love you. I love you too.

Oh, my God, Peggy!

Let's have a look! Oh...!

Look...

No, I think just, erm...

I'm just going to go.

What? You can't go on
your own. I'm sorry.

I love you so much,

so much, but I can't...

..I can't do this
with us together.

Come on, I know you're stru... I
can't have you be a part of this.

Not when I've been treating
you like this, all right?

You don't deserve that.

But you're struggling
and I'm here. I'm sorry.

Please just go inside, please.

Are y...

Are you breaking up with me?

I'm sorry.

MUSIC: I'm Shy by Self Esteem

EXCITED VOICES

♪ Take mine

♪ Did everything you
wanted, did it all

♪ And I'm fine leaving it
friendly without ever knowing all

♪ But I had decided

♪ I was sure you
over all of them

♪ You over all, I had decided

♪ I was sure you
over all of them

♪ You over all

♪ And every single time I
got something to say... ♪