01x05 - Siren Song

[bunniefuu]

♪ You can stand under my umbrella ♪

♪ You can stand under my umbrella ♪

♪ Ella, ella, eh- ♪

- Hey, look you're ruining Rihanna for me.

You've taken a song about sexy umbrellas

and deaded it with your whining vocals.

- Choirmaster Greg says I've
got a very soothing voice.

- Nobody cares about your
cry for help dread choir.

- My choir is not dread.

Unless dread means amazing fun.

You should join.

- Nah, I'll give it a miss, thanks.

- It's okay if you're not a good singer.

It's more of a social club.

It's funny, actually.

Matheli from the choir,
said we should be called

a wine club who sometimes sing.

[both laughing]

- I don't care.

I don't care.

Anyway, I can sing.

I was the lead in every school play.

- What happened?

- Things that big man don't talk about.

All I know is I swore on my mum's life

I'd never sing again.

- What? Not even "Happy Birthday?"

- Nope. I just say that.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, you little idiot.

Happy birthday to you.

[upbeat music]

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

- [Man] Let's try and get this boot off.

- Can you sign this quickly?

- I swear on my life and reputation,

Kareshma will not let you down.

This has my name on it.

- Fine, I need a letter
of recommendation from you

for the management training course.

- I can't recommend you
for management training.

You've only been in the job eight weeks.

Right.

Off we pop.

Oh!

Looks like one little
piggy has gone to market.

Oh, you found it. Well done you.

♪ Amazing grace, how sweet the sound ♪

Come on, join in.

- Never gonna happen.

- Me and my Spencer used to
sing together, Girls Aloud.

Maybe you could be like that-

- Look, don't compare me
to your messed up son.

I get it.

You're sad 'cause he
never calls you often,

but I ain't tapping in for that brother.

- Oh, please. Just one song.

- No.

Look, the only time I'll ever sing again

will be at my wife's funeral.

Yeah, the priest will be like,

"Rihanna's husband wanted
to say a few words."

And I'll get up, grab the
mic and sing Boyz II Men

"End of the Road," do you get me?

- I don't know that one. How's it go?

- Nice try.

♪ Amazing grace ♪

- f*ck's sake.

♪ How sweet the sound ♪

♪ That saved a wretch like thee ♪

- Hey, hey, hey!

Yeah.

We're gonna shut that
sh*t down before I switch.

- You should join my choir.

- We prefer karaoke.

- We do Lucky Voice twice a week.

- Well, I karaoke.

- It's a private booth.

[upbeat music]

- Okay, make sure they're freeing up space
For your guy.

Other two can wait.

You need to get rid of
this one, yesterday.

Seems faster to hand over to Argos.

- Wow. Feisty and fit, huh?

Hey, if you can sh*t Mars bars,

you might just be my dream lass.

- Piss off, mate.

- Oh, is this harried? Sorry.

I was only flirtin' with ya.

- Oh, right.

Cheers. Didn't realise.

Don't get flirted with
often, but you got nice legs.

What time do they open?

[laughs]

- Jo.
- Carl.

- Shiny boots, Carl.

Ex-Army?

- Aye. Armoured corps.

- Nice.

Remind me, was it 2010?

When they started letting pussies in?

It must've been if you got in.

- [chuckles] There it is.

You've got good banter, Jo.

- Thanks. Yes.

- Don't suppose I could get your number?

- Yeah, yeah.

- You know, just in
case I need a paramedic.

Do tend to suffer from a
swelling in some areas.

- Yeah. Yeah.

It's 078452...

Swelling. I get it.

Your c*ck?

- Yeah, I was on about me c*ck.

- Funny. [upbeat music]

- [Maleek] Yo, dad, what's up?

- [Dad] I need you to
fix the wifi immediately.

- I can't. I'm working.

- You can pop by.

- No, I literally can't.

I've got sick people to deal with.

Emergencies.

- A father is an emergency.

- All right, fine.

I'll pop by tonight.

- Is that why you didn't sing?

Did your dad forbid it?

When all you wanted to
do was express yourself?

- Yo, I'm not Billy Elliot.

[upbeat music]

- I can't give a reference to
something I don't believe in.

I don't see what your rush is anyway.

- If I'm rushing it's because

I've waited long enough already.

I should be a doctor by now

but glandular fever got in my way,

ruined my A Levels, stole my destiny.

- Well, I tell you what,
I'll write your letter.

- Yes!

I knew you'd cave. Pathetic.

- In 12 months, if you can
prove to me you're ready then.

[upbeat music]

- [Operator] 451 Papa
Kilo, got one for you.

- Chest pains, male, 60s.

It's your dad's address.

[siren wailing] [upbeat music]

- Yes, I pick up the ribs.

Who's coming?

No, she didn't tell me.

Okay.

Yeah, later potato.

That was Trish.

She said you're coming to
our barbecue this evening.

[chuckles]

Well, how does Trish know who you are?

- I called her, after I took
her number from your phone.

- Oh, okay.

Why?

- Just know we're gonna be friends.

[upbeat music]

- So, can you describe these chest pains?

- Humongous, but gone now.

Whilst you're here, son, I
need you to fix the wifi.

Look what I've got. Virtual reality.

I need the wifi so I can watch a film.

- Oh, anything good?

- Oh, it's a romantic
film about two women.

Maleek, your friend is
asking too many questions.

- Dad, let her work.

Wendy, stop asking big people questions.

- So, Maleek was telling me earlier

about why he stopped singing.

- Oh, the "Aladdin" thing?

Oh Lord, it was funny. [laughs]

He was meant to be a genie,

painted all blue like a fat Smurf.

- Okay. Okay.

It was a school play, I played the genie.

It went wrong. Done.

- He came out on a magic carpet
on wires, over the audience,

and then [laughs] he got stuck up there.

- Oh, sounds terrifying.

- No, you're not listening.

It was very funny because he was scared

and he was blue and fat, you see.

- I had to wait up there
until the fire brigade came.

Every flipping kid in
South London showed up.

Even the man dem pulled
up with laser pens,

shining it on me, trying
to get me to fall down.

- I filmed it.

Look. This is the part where he falls.

- Do you know what? We're done.

Let's go.

- Goodbye.

I shall watch my romantic film now.

[upbeat music] [siren wailing]

- [Operator] 451 Papa
Kilo, got mental health.

Elderly women lost by the canal.

- Hey old duck.

Everything okey-dokey?

- She seems really confused.

- Oh no. She's just from up North.

They're all...

Oh, you meant her, sorry.

- What's your name, my love?

- Joan.

- Where do you live?

- I don't know.

- Well, that's okay.

Why don't we go and sit over here

and see if we can figure this out, hey?

I don't think it's a
very comfortable bench

but it'll do for now.

- Are you my son?

Me?

No, no.

[upbeat music]

- Sorry, Lawrence.

I got this bloke texting me.

It's a bit embarrassing.

It's this nurse that
hit on me this morning.

He was flirting with me.

I'm like, "Okay, mate."

- What's he like?
- Nurse, fit.

- So you into him?

I didn't think you were on the lookout.

- I'm not, but why not go for it?

I can't wait around for Mr. Right forever.

So I might as well have fun with Mr. Fit.

- Go for it. What's stopping ya?

- What is stopping me?

- What is stopping ya?

- What is stopping me?

- What is stopping you?

- [Operator] 421 Zulu Mike,
we've got cat one seizure.

- Yeah, on my way.

Gotta go. - What is stopping me?

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- Must be horrible

not being able to remember where you live.

- Easy for you though.

What? Your house sounds horrible.

- Huh? I got used to
living above the arcade.

Now, my life's on the up.

I've got my choir-

- All right, you're waffling now.

- Hang on a minute, that might help her.

- You're not kidnapping an old lady

and putting her in your choir.

- No, I read about it.

How singing can help dementia patients

access their past.

Joan, do you like old songs?

Bet you do, don't ya?

What about this one?

♪ Sally, Sally, don't ever wonder ♪

Can you remember why you live, Joan?

- Who the hell are you?

- Oh, well, it was worth a go?

I'll go and get us a cuppa while we wait.

- Yeah, you do that.

- I'm just nipping off, Joan.

I'm going to leave you with your son.

All right?

- Sorry about that, Joan.

As if you'd like that bullshit.

Oh, do you know what,

My, my gran used to like one song.

Listen, it was...

♪ Oh, she may be weary ♪

♪ Young girls they do get wearied ♪

♪ Wearied ♪

♪ That same old shaggy dress, yeah ♪

Oh, you like a bit of oldies, yeah?

- Yeah.

♪ But when she gets weary ♪

♪ Try a little tenderness ♪

Yes, Joan.

Busting a little two step.

- Oh, I like that one.

♪ You know, she's waiting ♪

♪ Just anticipating ♪

♪ For things that should never,
never, never forget, yeah ♪

- No, don't stop. It's working.

- Is it?
- Yeah.

♪ But while she's there waiting ♪

♪ Without then try a little tenderness ♪

♪ It's all you got to do ♪

Landscape, man.

If you gonna do the
thing, do the thing in it.

[upbeat music]

- Oh, great news.

Lou is coming to the barbecue later.

Not till late though, she's double-booked.

Classic Lou.

- How do you know about my daughter?

- She really shouldn't share
so much on social media.

There's some messed up people out there.

- Are you threatening my family?

- If I was worried about
someone threatening my family,

I'd sign a letter of recommendation

to get them out of my life.

- I'm not scared of your threats.

- Bright girl, Lou.

Very smart.

God I hope nothing happens to distract her

from her A Levels.

[upbeat music]

- Banter, innit.

It's so important in this job.

- Yes, yes, yes, Carl.

- Honestly, I think
banter is more important

for your health than any drug or machine

they've got in there.

- Obviously, no.

- No?

[Jo laughs]

- So funny, Carl.

Oh, hi Lawrence. What are you doing here?

- You said you needed to see me urgently.

- Yeah, it...

I need you to sign Darryl's birthday card.

- Here?
- Yeah.

Because I don't want him
to see it at the depot.

So, yeah.

That's why I got you here.

Oh, this is Carl by the way.

- Nice to meet you, Carl.
- All right.

I like your bike.
- Okay, actually Carl,

I think you might,

you should probably get back in.

Oh, yeah. - Thank you.

- Make a move.

Look at that a*s.

Look at it.

You can sharpen your knives on that.

- So do you have the card?

- What?
- The card?

- No. I need you to get it.

- You want me to get the card?

- Yes, if you don't mind.

- Why did you tell me to come here?

- Because there is a very
nice gift shop in there.

I thought it might be nice.

It's in a month, but I
just thought, you know,

let's get ahead of the game
and get him a really nice card.

Maybe decorate it.

- Right.

♪ Squeeze her ♪

♪ Don't tease her ♪

♪ You never leave her ♪

♪ You got to, you got to na, na, na ♪

♪ Got to try a little tenderness ♪

♪ Oh ♪

Oh, sh*t.

- Me and my Len, we used
to love this one. [laughs]

- Can you remember your address, Joan?

- No.
- For God's sake.

- Mum, what are you doing out here?

Can't go wandering off like that.

- But look, your brother is alive.

- Oh!

What's up, ta-da!

Back from the dead.

[upbeat music]

- Just sent me an aubergine.

Think we all know what that means.

- Oh, he's into horticulture?

- It's emoji for c*ck, for b*ner.

That's what it means.

Everyone knows that.

I sent him a water splash.

- Right.

Dating's certainly changed
a lot since I was single.

- You are single, Lawrence.

- Yeah, I suppose.
- Oh my God!

- What? Did he send you
a cabbage or something?

- He has just texted, asking

if I want to bunk up in the disabled loos.

- He spelled that wrong, actually.

- God, I can't believe that.

Can you believe that, Lawrence?

- Judging by his earlier text?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

He's pretty forward. - Yeah.

- You're not gonna do it, are you?

- Why? Are you jealous?

Joke? No. - No.

- I know. I was just joking.

- You can do whatever you want.

I was just looking out for you as a mate.

- Well, mate, unless you wanna stop me,

I'm off to the bogs, for a bit of a...

Lips are really dry.

[whistles]

So, I'll see you.

- I didn't say anything.

- Oh, no. It sounded like you said stop.

- No, I... But you didn't, no.

- No.

- Good.

Good.

- Hey!

All right.

So, calipo for you, calipo for me.

[speaking in foreign language]

- You were amazing.

- You didn't do too bad yourself though.

You started to drag towards
the end there, but it's cool.

I can pick up the slack. I can carry you.

Just be better next time.

- Oh, we've got a cat one.

♪ Cat one, cat one ♪

- It's your dad again.

- Oh, for God's sake.

- You need to confront him about this.

- Look, you don't just
confront an African dad.

- Who looks down on ya and has stopped you

fulfilling your potential.

Just like those boys stopped you singing.

You're bigger than all of them.

- Why do you always have
to bring up my weight?

- Aye, aye.

Hey, hey, hey. Here she is.

- Here I am.

- Let the para see a medic.

- Very funny.

- Good.

Go on.

- Can't do this.

- I'm a grower, like...

- No, it's not that, it's...

Sorry, mate.

You're a sound bloke, but
kind of into someone else.

- Oh, right.

- Really sorry to mess you about, mate.

- I'll leave. No probs.

- Actually, I know it's a bit
of a pain, but he's out there

and I don't want him
knowing that I bottled it.

- Oh, right.

You wanna make him jealous?

Got it. I got it.

- Idiot.

- We'll just wait in here.
- Cheers.

Cheers, mate. I appreciate that, yeah.

Yeah.

You can put your c*ck away.

[laughing]

- I forgot it was out.

- I can't wait for the barbecue.

Yeah, your Jack's gonna be there.

I just know we'll get along.

God, I hope I don't
miss the last tube home.

Then I might have to stay
over and f*ck your son.

- I'm sorry, but you've pushed me to this.

And quite frankly, well, part of me

isn't even sorry, actually.

- Okay, what's in the tube?

- I went into the
infectious diseases ward.

There was a girl there
with glandular fever.

So I took a swab from her
because I will not be bullied.

- You're bluffing.

- I absolutely am not.

And if you won't listen to reason,

then maybe you'll think twice

about catching glandular fever again.

- Hey, stop.

- I tried being nice, Kareshma,

but then you came for my family.

And if you come for my family,

then you better come armed
because I will f*ck you up.

- Wow.

Gary.

Well-played.

- Oh no, don't. I feel awful about this.

[siren wailing] [upbeat music]

- Lord, have mercy, son.

It's as if you're in the film.

Now, I need my dinner.

Put it in the microwave.

- He can't do this.

People actually need us.

What if Joan was wandering
around out there?

What if she went under a bus
and we could've saved her?

- Look, it's complicated.

- Tell him, no.

- Let me just put the thing
in the microwave, man.

- Getting the silent treatment, am I?

You don't understand.

So maybe you keep your beak out.

- No!

And Maleek won't stand
up to you, then I will.

This job is hard enough, okay.

There are people out there,

hundreds of people who are
going through their worst

and we are their only hope.

And every second we spend
on a time-waster like you

is a second we're not saving lives.

- Saving lives?

You and Aladdin?

- Your son is not a joke.

He's brave, he's sweet

and he deserves a dad who respects him.

Not some pointy-shoed bully
who treats him like sh*t.

Got nothing to say for yourself now,

have you, Mr. Rude head?

- Dad, stop messing
around. It's not funny.

- He's not messing around.

He's gone into arrest.

Get him on the floor.

[upbeat music] [siren wailing]

[laughing]

- It's funny, isn't it?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- And clever.
- Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

Always liked "Family Guy."

Yeah.

Jo, what?

Oh, okay. God.

sh*t!

One of my teams just lost their dad.

- Bloody hell!

If it would help, we could, you know?

- Mate!

- Wrong moment?
- Wrong, no.

Oh mate, no!

No!

No.

[siren wailing]

♪ Wearing that same old shaggy dress ♪

- [Operator] Emergency, ambulance.

Is the patient breathing?

- [Woman] I'm trying to wake
her up, but nothing's working.

She's not waking up.

- [Man] Lady she passed out on the road.

Her face is bleeding.

- [Woman] I can hear
the ambulance outside.

♪ Try a little tenderness, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ You know she's waiting ♪

♪ Just anticipating ♪

♪ For thing that you never,
never, never, never ♪

♪ Possessed yeah, yeah ♪

♪ But while she's there waiting ♪

♪ And without them,
try on the tenderness ♪

[gentle music]