'B' Girl Rhapsody (1952)

[bunniefuu]

There will always be a love song.

While there's you to sing it to.

For the sun

may lose its splendor.

And the shining stars

may fade from view.

There will always be a love song.

In my heart and memory, too.

And from now until forever

I'll keep on singing it to you.

If ever we part, dear.

You'll remain in my heart, dear.

Regardless of what you do

I'll always be in love with you.

There will always be a love song.

In my heart all of life through.

And though seas run dry

and thousands die.

There will always be

a love song for you.

If ever we part, dear.

You'll remain in my heart, dear.

Regardless of what you do

I'll always be in love with you.

There will always be a love song.

In my heart all of life through.

And though seas run dry

and thousands die.

There will always be a love song.

For you

Well, greetings, young ladies.

Of course you realize now

you are all

members of my nudist colony.

I want you to have a lot of fun,

bask in the sunshine,

but I'm expecting

two very prominent gentlemen

- from the East.

- Balloons!

Nice balloons for sale,

I got good balloons!

What are you doing here,

what are you doing?

- I'm selling balloons.

- This is no place

to sell balloons,

now go on, get out of here.

Go on, get out.

I'm sorry, I've got to

sell my balloons.

- I said get out of here!

- Balloons!

Fine time he picked

to sell balloons.

Now, when these

gentlemen arrive,

I want you to show 'em

a wonderful time.

Really make them feel at home.

Well, here they are now.

Benny "Wop" Moore

and Artie Lloyd, yeah.

- Benny!

- What's a matter with you?

Why do you scaring

the girls like that?

Well, you should know better,

look, you gotta act different.

Wherever you are,

that's what you have to be.

- I didn't do right here?

- Look, for instance...

Wherever you are,

that's what you gotta be?

- Right!

- What do you mean?

For instance,

if you're in the mountains.

- Yeah?

- You're a son of the mountain.

In the mountain,

I'm a son of the mountain?

You're on the farm,

you're the son of the soil.

On the farm,

the son of the soil?

- Here we're at the beach.

- We're a couple

of sons of the beaches?

- Ain't we, we're the...?

- Yes, that's right.

What is this guy dressed up for?

- I don't know, who are you?

- Oh, well I'm the President

of this nudist colony.

- Nudist colony.

- Find out

- what a nudist colony is.

- Yeah, what is a nudist colony?

A nudist colony, well,

people walk around in the nude.

- Huh?

- They walk around naked.

You mean they walk around

with no clothes?

- No clothes.

- That's the rules

- of the nudist colony?

- Oh yes, that's the rule.

Shlovotsky, find out

what the women wear.

Yeah, you got women

in this organization?

Oh, what would a nudist camp be

without women?

Well, what do the women wear?

Oh, they... they wear nothing

but a little leaf.

They wear nothing

but a little leaf?

- Yes.

- Hey, Benny, they wear nothing

- but a little leaf.

- Just a little leaf?

- Mhm.

- I got my own ideas

- about the leaves.

- What's that?

I ain't gonna tell you,

you'll wait

for the same thing

I'm waiting for.

- What are you waiting for?

- Find out if we can join.

- All right, can we join?

- Well, of course you can.

- That's what you came here for.

- How much?

Well, uh,

the fees are $2 a month,

- or $3 a year.

- Excuse me while I talk to him.

Fees are $2 a month

or $3 a year,

now which is the cheapest?

$2 a month or $3 a year?

- Let's take it by the month.

- Why?

We're not gonna last a year.

- You've got something there.

- They work you out pretty hard.

You know, in a nudist colony,

you take ec-ec-exercise.

- What?

- Ec-ec-exercise.

You become, you know,

ahh, Tarzan.

- That's what you do.

- Oh, it's invigorating.

- You said who?

- It's invigorating.

Watch your language.

-What other instructions...

-Yeah, what are the instructions

- in this organization?

- Well, you see, uh,

this is what is known as

a nudist colony whistle.

It has no clothes on it.

Oh, no, no, no, no,

now then, you see,

everyone in the nudist colony

has a mate.

- Everybody got a mate?

- Everybody has a mate.

You mean a... you mean a female?

- Well, naturally.

- Eh, you better...

- What do you mean?

- Well, now everybody has a mate

- according to their birthstone.

- Birthstone?

Now, take, for instance, me,

I was born in February,

naturally my birthstone

is an amethyst.

- Uh-huh.

- And my mate is an amethyst.

Oh, you blow the whistle

and you make them come?

Soon as I blow the whistle,

my mate appears.

Well, I'm a son

of a Christopher Columba.

- I get one, too?

- Uh, when were you born?

- I was born in June.

- June, June, let me see.

Oh, yes, yes, you're a pearl.

My father was an oyster?

You know, sometimes

your ignorance is refreshering.

- You wanna explain it to me?

- The man explained to you

- and I'll give you an idea.

- Yeah.

Now, everybody gets a stone

representing their birthday.

Now, for ,

he was born in February,

the birthstone amethyst,

that's a girl,

that's his tomato, see?

You were born in June,

June, pearl, that's your girl.

- All right.

- That's your potato.

- Ohh.

- Uh, when were you born?

Leap year, what do I get,

baccala?

That's fish.

- How should that work?

- Shall I...?

- Shall I explain it thoroughly?

- Yeah, blow the whistle.

I'll blow the whistle,

now watch this.

See what happens here.

- Well, look who's here.

- Oh, well, now that is nice.

- That's good.

- Ah, and, uh,

- who are you?

- I am your birthstone amethyst.

-You are me...

-I am your mate.

You are my mate here.

- She is your mate.

- Yes, of course.

She got ,

all right.

Uh, would you take the whistle?

Thank you, I'm gonna

take my mate outside.

- What are you going to do?

- I'm gonna take you

in the garden and show her

how the little buttercups

- make butter.

- Isn't that nice?

I thought the cows made butter.

- No.

- Now, Gabriel, blow the horn.

- You mean it?

- Yeah.

See what happens.

- Ooh!

- It works.

- Works, it works.

- Oh boy, everybody is lucky.

-Ohh, look at that...

-Bring her over to you.

- Talk to the girl.

- Let me ask you something,

- who are you?

- I am your birthstone pearl.

- I am your mate.

- Hey, that's my mate.

Will her mother be proud of her.

- Yes.

- That's your mate?

Yes.

Blow your brains out.

- See ya later.

- Where you going?

- That's my stone.

- Yeah?

I'm going out

and have my stone set.

Well.

His stone set, I don't know.

Not even a nanny goat.

Well, I'll try it again.

- Hello, baby.

- Benny, Benny, listen you,

-the guy told you not to...

-What's up, what happened?

- Hey!

- Aha!

I found you

fooling with my girl.

I wasn't fooling.

- Well, she fainted.

- Well, do something.

How could I do anything?

My hands are full.

- Well, resuscitate her!

- Watch your language!

Yeah, no, bring her to,

revive her.

Oh, uh, she fainted,

she's laughing.

- Rub her arms!

- Huh?

- Rub her arms!

- Yeah, rub her hands.

Rubber balloons!

Oh!

Ladies and gentlemen,

presenting Frenchy LeVonne,

the jitterbug queen from Quebec.

Presenting Nona Carver,

the blonde Venus.

I know that you are

going to enjoy

- Leon, Leon.

- Yeah?

Before you go further,

I just saw

- the most wonderful thing.

- And what was that?

- I saw a lion tamer.

- A lion...

He was remarkable,

he took his arm

and he put it

right down the throat,

- right up to there.

- No kidding.

His right arm right down

the throat up to there.

- Well, what's that fella's name?

- They call him Lefty now.

Well, listen, what are you doing

out here anyway?

Well, I figured I'd come out

and interrupt you,

- have a little fun.

- Well, you shouldn't do

a thing like that... well, this is

my bread and butter.

Go out to the place

that you work

and break your.

- You wouldn't like it.

- You've got something there.

Well, indeed I have.

See my name out there up top

in front of the theater?

-I saw the men's room...

-After all, you know what

- they're gonna do?

- Yeah, this a burlap show.

- Now, a.

- Why?

Her in the dressing room,

no clothes on.

Oh, that's what we want,

undressed women.

Is an artist studio.

- Hey, I know that.

- Oh no, a pantomime scene,

- they don't talk in it.

- I remember that scene.

- You remember the scene?

- But, differently.

- Differently?

- We have to go through

the motions and I'll explain

to these people just...

- A narrator?

- No, I got a mother and father.

Look, you're going to

explain it.

I'll leave the whole thing

in your hands.

Oh, thank you, that's nice now,

as a kid, I used to be able

to switch hands,

I like the way he said that.

Well, we might as well.

Ah yeah, first up's approaching,

I think it's a woman.

Yeah, I'd lay 6 to 5

it's a woman.

She is followed in by

a tall, dark, handsome man,

which is her husband.

We always use a handsome Cuban.

How did skunk puss get in there?

"How do you do?" he says.

She says, "How do you do?

Give me some money."

He said, "A Kiss.”

"Money.” "A Kiss."

He goes for the money... make sure

you get the right roll, kid,

the little one... he got it.

Gives her the money,

when in walks our handsome hero

Mr. Leon DeVoe.

Ah, he smells her

but he can't locate her.

She drops her kerchief

very gently but daintily.

Ah, she used to pitch

for the Yanks.

He says, "Pardon me,

Miss, your kerchief.

How about joining me

in a banana split?"

She says, "Sure, I'll split

a banana with you."

What's one more banana

in her life?

So, off they go

to the artist studio.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

our next scene,

we take you right

to the little spider's web.

The artist studio,

which you can always tell,

because there's a hall tree,

a screen, a couch,

and a bottle of whiskey.

When in walks

Ophelia Openstretch.

That's her name,

not her condition.

She is followed in

by Jake the plumber.

Jake locks the key

and puts the door in his pocket.

- I screwed that up, didn't I?

- Yeah.

"Oh, what a beautiful studio,"

she says.

"You have liquor,

would you like a drink?"

She says, "I certainly would,"

says, "Okay, kid,

slap it on the wood,"

so she sits down.

Very good view from down there,

not bad, eh?

She says, "Well, pour 'em out.

How about a little toast?"

He said, "Toast? Well,

here's looking up your whole"

family"... 1 gotta keep

those words together,

yes, I forgot.

She says, "You told me

you had some pictures."

He says, "Pictures? Wait till

you see my masterpiece.

Here's the first picture

I ever painted,

and I'll be glad

to show it to you."

And here is the picture.

Isn't that a beautiful study?

Just gaze at that, the name

of that picture is called.

"Rebecca at the Pub."

Look at the pumps on Rebecca.

Notice she's got a rose

in her mouth.

She'd look much better

with a big salami in her hand.

That's picture number one.

Now, she says,

"I could pose like that."

He says, "No, you have

too many clothes on."

This guy knows what he wants.

"Take off your hat."

She says, "Oh no."

"Take off your hat,

take off your... ."

Give her a drink

of schnapps, Leon.

So, she drinks some

of that 35-cent whiskey.

You know, it makes you

do a lot of things.

Off comes the hat,

and the artist takes it,

puts it on the hall tree.

The hall tree, the big thing

standing straight up...

Yeah, no, over here.

Yeah, that's it,

right there, that's right.

She says, "Have you

any more pictures?"

He says, "I certainly have."

Wait till you see

the next picture.""

So, now we get ready

for picture number two,

and here it is.

A very beautiful study.

Isn't that pretty?

Now, the name of this

picture is called,

"I Cover the Waterfront."

No, that's wrong,

it's really called,

"September Morn."

You know, we had a hard time

to get a girl

to pose for this picture,

but luckily this kid's

got nice big hands.

Well, that's picture number two.

"Why not pose me like that?"

He says, "No, you still have

too many clothes on.

Take off your skirt and coat."

She says, "Ah, no."

He says, "Come on,

take off your skirt and coat."

She says, "Ah"... look at that

old bag acting coy, will ya?

Well, "Take off the skirt."

Give her a drink of schnapps.

So, she takes another drink

of Panther Hiss.

Panther Hiss,

it's very good stuff,

it's a new whiskey.

She drinks it,

off comes the coat.

Look at the artist,

warming up his ukulele already.

Yep, there it comes.

Have you noticed the headlights

on the new Buicks?

They're not bad.

She says, "Oh, well, now",

this boy knows

what he really wants.

We're getting down

to bare facts.

Show me another picture.”

So, now we get ready

for the big masterpiece.

And here is the big picture.

Isn't that pretty?

It's a very wonderful picture

and the name of it is called,

"The Cherry Sisters."

One's got a grapefruit,

the other's got a lemon.

Too bad, kid,

it had to happen sometime.

Well, anyway,

go on to the next picture.

She says,

"I suppose I got myself."

He says, "No, you have

too many clothes on."

Take off

the brassiere and panties.”

She says, "Oh, no."

He says, "Come on, take off

the brassiere and panties."

She says, "Oh, no."

"Take off the"...

Give her the whole bottle.

Get 'em off, no use in waiting.

She drinks it, she never drank

so much water in all her life.

She starts to take off

her brassiere.

He says, "Hold it."

He goes for the brush.

The brush!

Don't make no U-turns.

Oh, look at the size

of the brush that guy's got.

He don't wanna paint her,

he's gonna Simonize her

or swab her out,

he's got different ideas.

He throws it down,

he takes her in his arms,

he hugs her, he kisses her,

he squeezes her.

She screams.

Oh, scream.

Can't scream no louder?

That's all, it's all yours now,

kid, scream.

Who did I get to scream?

Her husband's coming in.

Oh, you're almost up,

fix your hair,

and your tie,

now pull up your pants.

Open the door and let him in.

He opens the door

and in walks the kid himself.

Ah, look what I see.

That's me, look out, Leon.

"How do you do?"

He says, "How do you do?"

Says, "I would like

my picture painted."

The artist said, "Do you want

full length or bust?"

The kid says,

"I'll bust you in the nose.

Is my wife here?"

He says, "Why, no."

"Don't tell me," he says,

"I smell something

and it stinks."

"Don't look at me, kid,

it must be the scene.”

"Why," he says,

"you dirty viper,

there's her clothes."

"Ah," the artist said,

"He's wise."

"That's hers all right,

I recognize it.

I'm going to k*ll you."

The kid goes for his g*n.

The artist goes for his rod.

Your rod, your rod,

that's right.

They fire!

The artist fires.

What kind of a g*n do you got?

- Shot him with a sil*ncer.

- But, you're dead.

You die on the couch,

you got the good suit on.

You're stuck, Jim, you die

with your face in the sun

on the chair.

Out comes that beautiful wife

from behind the screen.

She looks at her lover,

he's dead.

She looks at her husband

and faints.

The other end.

There she stands, alone in the

world, ladies and gentlemen,

gaze at her.

Gaze at her, a picture

of blonde hair and loveliness,

beauty, youth, and health,

and says,

"What'll I do, what'll I do?"

I'll tell you what to do, honey,

now that they're both dead.

You come with me

to my apartment.

- And then?

- We'll turn down the lights.

And then?

I'll love you,

and you'll love me.

- And then?

- Well, and then...

- Send for me!

- Ya-huh?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I thank you.

That's it.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the South American cyclone,

Chili Pepper.

Ladies and gentlemen,

your kind attention

for a few moments.

I claim the distinction of being

the champion p*stol shot

of that great state of Texas.

Now, for my first experiment,

I'm gonna have to have

the assistance of some young man

with the heart of a lion

and the strength of a Goliath.

I don't care who he is,

if he, uh...

Just a minute, son,

come over here.

I think I can use you, boy.

No, I've been used before.

Ah, but, son, look here,

you never been used

until you been used

by a Texan, son.

- That's what I'm afraid of.

- What?

- Those longhorns.

- Oh, now wait a minute, boy.

Just a minute,

don't get excited.

I'm the champion p*stol shot

of that great state of Texas.

Yessiree,

do you smoke cigarettes?

- Sure.

- Well, just pull one out here.

I'm gonna

show you something, son.

Now, just take that cigarette

and put it on your mouth here.

Now, stand right over there,

that's fine.

I'll walk over here,

and I'll turn,

and I'll sh**t that cigarette

right out of your mouth.

You'll sh**t a cigarette

out of whose mouth?

- Out of your mouth, boy.

- Oh, no, no, no.

My mother didn't raise

any foolish children.

Oh, now, wait a minute, boy,

you don't have to be

afraid of me, son,

I'm the champion p*stol shot

of that great state of Texas.

I'll send my brother around,

he don't care

- what happens to him.

- Nah, you don't have to worry,

- son, I'm a good shot.

- You are?

- Yes, sir.

- How good are ya?

Well, I can walk out

of this here building,

turn and walk across the street,

weave and fire,

and hit the front

of this here building.

- Yes, sir.

- Well...

Wait a minute,

this is a pretty big building.

Yeah, but look at

the size of that b*llet.

What's the size of the b*llet

got to do with it?

Ah, it's got everything

in the world to do, son.

Trajectory, wind resistance,

and elevation.

Everything in the world.

That's right,

I never thought of that.

Why, certainly, son,

now just put that cigarette

in your mouth

and stand right over there.

Everything will be over shortly.

Now, just

stand still there, son.

Hey, boy, hey, boy,

don't move around like that.

Come on, stand still,

will ya, son?

-Don't do that to me, I can't...

-Who's moving around?

Son, what are you doing?

You know you're jumping around

like a cottontail

with turpentine on his cotton.

Son, you can't do that to me,

you've got to stand still.

Now, put that cigarette

in your mouth there.

Now, hold it there,

now just stand still.

Now, don't move like that, boy,

I'll sh**t you a shot, yeah.

Hey, son, where'd ya go?

Where did I go?

Well, uh, just keep talking,

I'll sh**t into the voice.

You'll sh**t into the voice?

Oh, there ya are,

I see ya now, son, yes.

Yeah, but sh**t into the voice?

You don't have to

worry about me, son,

- I got perfect vision.

- You have?

Double, 20/20.

- No kidding.

- Yessiree.

- I'm gonna try you out.

- Well, go ahead, boy, go ahead.

How many fingers have I got up?

Well, go ahead and hold some up,

son, go ahead, hold 'em up.

- Hold 'em up?

- Sure.

Sharp sh**ter, look,

how many fingers have I got up?

Well, now, don't tell me,

don't tell me, let me guess.

You got four.

You're right,

I thought you couldn't see.

Well, certainly, son,

you don't have to worry

about me, son, now just put

that cigarette in your mouth

over there, that's it, now then

I'll just stand over here

and sh**t that right...

Now, look, I don't want

these here people

hooting and hollering at me.

Hey, that's

a king-size cigarette, boy.

If I sh**t that out of there,

well, they'd think

that wasn't a shot at all.

We shortened that up

a little bit too long.

Yes, sir, they wouldn't think

I was a good shot at all.

No, they'd think

you come from Oklahoma.

What's that, son?

Don't be sacrilegious

and mention that name

in my presence, boy.

After all, I don't like that,

now, don't do it,

just stay... just keep away

from that Oklahoma stuff.

Yessiree, now, just hold

that cigarette up there, boy,

and I'll show ya...

No, that's still too long, boy.

We wanna show 'em

a regular shot.

I'll fix that thing up

so these people know that

they're really seeing

something sh**ting

out of your mouth there,

now I'll sh**t that out of there

and nothing's left.

No, uh

I know, too long.

That's right,

now just hold it up there

and I'll... hey,

wait a minute, boy,

don't do that,

don't take the awning away,

because that takes

the shadow away

and I can't see the cigarette.

Yeah, but what happens to this?

Don't worry about that, boy.

The b*llet will blow your nose.

Now, just stand there,

and I'll tell you what you do.

Turn around and face me.

-That's better, one...

-Wait a minute!

- What's the trouble now?

- Turn around and face you?

- This way, the b*ll*ts?

- Look, boy,

you're getting afraid now,

don't be afraid.

Remember the Alamo, son.

Now, look here,

all you got to do is, see,

remember that cigarette there,

the b*llet hits the end

of the cigarette,

it goes down through there,

and it gets to your lip,

and it stops,

then you spit it out.

- Oh.

- With your teeth.

Go ahead, now,

put it in your mouth, boy.

Just stand over there,

don't worry about anything.

Everything...

I tell you what you do.

- Better put it in your ear.

- In the ear?

That's right,

stick it right in your ear.

-One...

-Wait a minute!

- What's the trouble now?

- In my ear?

- Sure.

- Where's that b*llet gonna go?

Don't you worry, boy,

there's a hole over here

- on this side, isn't there?

- I forgot about that.

Sure, son.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,

what goes on in here?

Uh, there's nothing

to stop the b*llet,

there's nothing there, son,

don't worry about that.

You're right,

there's nothing there.

If there was,

I wouldn't be taking this job.

Don't worry about it, boy,

everything is gonna

be all right.

Take that cigarette out

and put it in your mouth.

Put it right in your mouth,

that's it, boy,

get it right in

your mouth there.

That's the idea, now I'm gonna

show you a good shot.

I'm gonna show you

one of the best shots

that ever come out

of that great state of Texas.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

before I make this shot,

I'd like to pause

just long enough

to say a few words about Texas.

Well, I won't do that now,

but I'll sh**t that cigarette

out of your mouth.

I'm gonna show you

one of the fastest shots

ever staged before public.

This is gonna be known as

the Old Wild Bill Hickok Shot,

son.

This is the fast wheel,

crow, and fire.

Now, watch here, boy,

I'm gonna show ya.

I'm gonna see how ya...

Son, you're the bravest man

I ever saw.

You stood there letting me

sh**t that cigarette

out of your mouth,

you never even blinked an eye.

You didn't quiver a lip.

Why, son, you didn't

even move a muscle.

- That's what you think.

- Oh, no, boy.

Mhm.

The atomic blonde,

Ginger Duvall.

Shadows.

Of a fast departing day.

Linger.

Then fade softly away.

Evening.

And with it a pale moon.

The stars reappear soon.

In dazzling array.

Then softly.

In the silence of the night.

You come to me.

And I'm thrilled with delight.

Slowly.

We kiss as you press close to me.

You bring me.

A night of ecstasy.

Softly.

In the silence of the night.

You come to me

and I'm thrilled with delight.

Slowly.

We kiss as you press close to me.

You bring me.

A night of ecstasy

The blonde loveliness

of Crystal Starr.

Do you hear that, sister?

The Reds have invaded our town,

and our men

are at the front fighting,

but here we are all alone.

A w*r is w*r.

What will we do

if the Reds invade our home?

What can we do but fight?

After all, w*r is w*r.

- Open the door!

- There are the Reds now.

- Where will we hide?

- Where can we hide?

No matter where we hide,

they'll find us.

w*r is w*r!

Open the door, open the door,

ya son of a g*n, open the door!

Come in.

I am Captain Ivanich.

I have come to

take over this place.

I want beautiful woman, ah.

- Leave her alone!

- Oh, you don't

talk to me like this.

Ah, not a bad piece of flank

- on yourself, eh?

- Keep your...

Over here, woman.

My orders are to be obeyed.

You do not know who I am.

Sonavich, come in here.

What news you bring, Sonavich?

I have a message from Stalinsky.

Stalinsky, what does he say?

Nothing, he's playing

Pinochle again.

What, playing Pinochle

at a time like this?

- That's all.

- Sonavich, enjoy yourself, eh?

- Leave her alone!

- Get back, woman.

Where do you think you go, eh?

- You like this, right?

- Yes, nice.

My orders are to be respect.

Have you ever taught your men

to respect the women?

Eh, women, we know

what to do with women

in Russia in time of w*r.

Don't we, Sonavich?

Ah, when we get the secret

of the atomic b*mb

- and victory is ours.

- Victory is ours!

Da, da.

Stalinsky.

Hello, workers,

comrades, rats,

the Reds, same thing.

I wanna give you

the definition of communism.

We have too many,

too many plutocrats.

Too many rich people.

I found out that the rich people

are millionaires.

The masses must

combine together.

We must learn

to share the wealth.

What's yours is mine,

and what's mine belongs to me.

- Any questions?

- Yes!

Shut up.

No one is allowed

to talk too loud.

I am all ready

for another purge.

Front.

Halt.

Halt, you.

You are, without a doubt,

the yellowest Red

I got in the whole army.

You're dumb, don't you know

how to salute your superior?

Bonjour.

What kind of salute is that?

You're so dumb you don't know

your left from your right.

Who don't know

his left from his right?

You don't know your left

from your right.

You don't know

your left from your right.

- You know?

- Sure.

Prove it.

Which is left, which is right?

Wise guy, you mixed them up.

I'll teach you once and for all.

As a lesson

to the rest of my Red Army,

you will be shot at sunrise.

You can't sh**t me at sunrise.

- Why not?

- I don't get up that early.

- We are in a dilemma.

- Ah.

He don't get up

early enough to be shot.

- What should we do?

- We'll boil him in oil.

"Burl him in earl"?

- What kind of Russian are you?

- Brooklyn Russian.

Oh, that's different.

Well, I have news for you.

You are not to be shot.

You shall be burned in oil.

- Olive oil?

- Mazola oil.

- That's for capitalism.

- Capitalists.

- Shelter at last.

- Shelter at last.

- Nice place, yeah?

- Nice.

- Who are you?

- I am the sister.

- Sister.

- Who is that?

- That is my younger sister.

- That's what I like,

- young sisters.

- Leave her alone!

I tell you now!

- Ukraine!

- Ukraine!

What are you,

a Russian hillbilly?

- Da.

- Da, get back there.

- Da.

- With your new thing.

Ah, I see you have

my favorite drink, vodka.

- Vodka.

- Give me a drink.

- Get it yourself.

- How dare you talk

to the commissar

of all commissars

in that manner.

I am the ruler of all Reds.

When I speak, the walls resound.

- Everybody bows.

- Bow!

- Bow.

- Wow, wow, WOW, WOW, WOW, WOW.

Don't get your bows

in an uproar.

- Da.

- Obey my command.

- A drink!

- I said get it yourself!

You have said too much.

I've tolerated your insolence.

- Captain Ivanoffinich.

- Da.

Teach her a lesson.

Put her in a constipation camp.

- You shrimp!

- Now wait a minute.

Stop this, stop, stop!

You must not do this

to the commissar!

What are you doing?

What are you butting in for?

When I'm doing something,

don't butt in.

I have a right

to have you two understand

that are you are talking

to the bravest man

- in all of Russia.

- Da.

I fear no women or children.

This morning I kicked the Devil

out of a two-year-old kid.

But, what about

our five-year-old boy?

- He had a brick in his hand.

- Ah,

but you run like devil, eh?

What was I gonna do,

wait till he threw it?

You don't know them kids

from Boyle Heights.

Ah., -But, don't ever forget,

I myself do not realize

my own strength.

- Stalinsky!

- Stalinsky!

- Do not leave us.

- What happened?

- Stalinsky!

- What happened?

- Stalinsky!

- What's the matter?

- Stop beating around the bush.

- Oh, I always get mixed up.

- Da.

- You're a brave soldier.

Da. Stalinsky,

how did you get out

of Russia-sky?

I scaled the wall-sky.

But, how did you

get through the door-sky?

Ha, with my pass-sky.

You've been drinking

too much whiskey.

You are talking out of turn-sky.

- Da.

- Don't forget-sky

that I am Stalinsky.

- Da.

- Do you understand?

- Da.

- Do you realize, men,

that for six long months,

we've been away

- from our sweethearts?

- Six months.

And how we longed

for the sight of a woman.

How we longed

for the sight of a woman!

- A woman!

- A woman!

- Enough!

- Stand back, woman.

Sonavich, what are you doing?

- I want a woman.

- You want a woman?

You wouldn't know what to do

with a woman if you had one.

- Aw, no?

- No!

Ask your wife, -Ask...

How dare you.

How dare you mention.

You realize

we have enough problem.

The UN has given us plenty.

They got us by the Balkans.

- Da.

- It won't be long

they'll have us by our latkes.

Da, or by the herrings.

But, you realize

tomorrow may be our last day.

- Da.

- Maybe we ain't coming back.

- Da.

- Maybe I know darn well

- we ain't coming back.

- Da.

And if tomorrow

is your last day,

why not have a good time today?

I am your commissar.

My men come first

in every respect.

I want you to understand

that this is your opportunity.

Celebrate,

every man for himself.

Ah, Talovich.

Ah, that will

teach you a lesson,

you little spitfire!

That will teach you a lesson,

-you little...

-What?

- Spitfire.

- Don't scare me like that.

- How do you feel, Captain?

- I never felt better

- in all my life.

- You make me very happy.

- Da.

- How do you feel?

I believe you.

Well, come, babushka.

Come.

Don't laugh, you'll get yours.

I'm gonna take you to Chekhov

and give you a little souvlaki.

Stop.

Have you no decency?

Where is your sense of manhood?

I left it in Cucamonga.

You've invaded our home.

You've insulted my sister.

You've insulted me.

Well, please spare Grandma.

In heaven's name,

please spare Grandma'

Mind your business!

w*r is w*r!

Ladies and gentlemen,

we take pleasure in presenting

the star of our show,

the breathtaking Lily

in her own creation,

"The Dance of the B Girl."

And so, ladies and gentlemen,

once again we have

come to the end

of another performance.

We, indeed, wish to thank you

for your kind attention

and your patronage,

and now we'd like

to introduce

all the little ladies

who have so graciously

entertained you.

A nice hand for all the girls,

here they are.

Now, we bring back

the star of our show,

the lovely, exotic Lily.