05x01 - Dog Day

[bunniefuu]

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

[PHONE RINGS]

[DOOR OPENS]

Angela Davis?

I'm Maryanne Brant.
You're Angela?

Hi. Angie, yeah.

- Hi.
- Hi, Maryanne.

Hello. And, uh... you're the...

Uh, partner. Edith.

MARYANNE: Hi, Edith. And...

- ANGIE: My kids.
- Mm-hm.

- Oly.
- Bowie.

- Santi.
- My husband.

And...

Oh, I'm her ex and her brother.

Uh-huh. OK.

- Uh, come on in.
- ANGIE: Thank you.

Uh, OK. I just think we might
need a few more chairs.

WOMAN: Yeah, OK, sure,
I'll bring...

Another hot oncologist.

[CLEARS THROAT] JJ?

Hey, just wait here, darling,
OK?

We won't be long, alright?

[SIGHS]

[CURIOUS MUSIC]

Unfortunately, you have fallen
into the small percentage

of women with
a triple-negative subtype

and this is typically
the most aggressive subtype.

[WHISPERS] Wait outside.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[PHONE RINGS]

And although your treatment
last time was successful,

unfortunately, the cancer
has regrown in the breast.

I know that this is not the news
that any of you wanted to hear

and it is important to have
realistic expectations...

[FADES] ..but to also understand
that there are

many good treatment options
available to you,

and we will treat this
aggressively.

Angie, do you need a moment?

No, no. Go. No, go ahead.

MARYANNE: OK.

Uh, so I've consulted with
our surgical team

and we have agreed that you will
need to have a mastectomy

and reconstruction.

And we'll follow the surgery
with a course of chemotherapy

and immunotherapy, which
typically takes six months.

[SPARSE MUSIC]

[DOG YAPS]

- [WHINES]
- You look just like Bluey!

Hi, Bluey!

Hi,
Bluey!

- [GIGGLES]
- [PUPPY WHINES AND YAPS]

Hi, Bluey!

[SIGHS]

MARYANNE: If there's no
further questions, then...

...I'll see you Friday.

- Friday?
- Surgery.

MARYANNE: We do need
to get started

on the treatment right away.

Please, you call the office

if you think of anything
in the meantime.

EDIE: Mmm.

- Excuse me, Doc?
- Mmm. Yeah?

- Just one question.
- Mm.

Do you think you could have
a quick squiz at this lump

in my armpit?

No. No, I won't.
I won't look at that.

You need to get a dermatologist
to look at that one.

- Yeah, but you can just...
- Not here.

No, thank you.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

OK, well, we've gotta
get going, so...

Alright, but...

...that was mostly good news, right?

Yeah. I mean, now we know
exactly what we're dealing with.

It's good to have
some certainty.

It's good that you can get
treatment straightaway.

Yeah, you'll be done and dusted
by the time the baby comes.

And it's amazing what they can
do with technology,

medical technology.

Amazing.

What's amazing?

OK, well, it's after 9:00,
so we've gotta get going.

Yeah, I'm gonna be late
for court.

I'm sure you guys have got
really busy days, so...

- No.
- No, not me.

- Not me.
- What are you...

- I could get lunch.
- Should we...

- SANTI: I can't.
- I'm gonna be late.

We should go.

Can you guys give me
a lift to the city?

- I've just got my big meeting.
- Yeah, course. Yep.

SANTI: I'll be there
in just a sec.

Hey. You OK?

- Santi?
- Coming.

I'll see you this arvo?

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

Good girl, Bluey!

- Mum?
- Mmm?

I don't feel well.

Really?

I think I'm probably sick.

Can I please stay home
and not go to school?

[COUGHS]

I feel pale.

Yeah, fine.

Why doesn't anyone
in my family...

...have a job?

Except you two.

Well, Oly's trying
to find a new job.

Mmm.

SANTI: And Bowie...

Bowie quit teaching, didn't he?

Dom, you know, he DJ'ed
a second wedding and a 50th.

I don't care about Dom.

Hey, Ange, I hope
everything's OK.

Good luck.

[DOOR CLOSES]

So that was big.

Yeah. Just confirms
what we knew.

Yeah, but...

I don't know.

How are you feeling?

I can stay home with you.

Well, no, I can't today,
but I would.

I know, but you've got court.
Go!

I'll be fine.

Did you have to find
an oncologist quite that hot?

Have you got some kind
of secret stash

of sexy cancer doctors?

[LAUGHS]

You know the ugly ones
work harder?

Edie! Go!

I'm not nearly as sick
as I'm gonna be!

[EDIE GROANS]

[SPARSE MUSIC]

[GROANS SOFTLY]

[SLOW, KOOKY MUSIC]

My gland?

[SIGHS]

[BOWIE GROANS]

- Dum-Dum?
- DOM: Yo!

Do we have any blankets?

Um, just... [CLICKS FINGERS]
...over here.

Why?

JJ: I'm making a cubby.

OLY: You're sick.
You should rest.

JJ: I'll rest in the cubby.

Alright, well, clean it up
afterwards.

OK. I will.

Alright.

What are you doing?

Fixing the books.

Research.

I mean with your lives.

OLY: Mum, I'm pregnant.

And I was fired.

Uh, yeah, a month ago, Oly.

What happened to your
job interviews?

They haven't called me back.

- And what about you, Bowie?
- [GROANS]

Have you gone for any jobs since
you threw that position away

at a great school?

Mum, don't start.

Ange, you OK?

ANGIE: And what about rent?

BOWIE: Oly and Santi
don't pay rent.

OLY: Um, yes, we do.

ANGIE: You used to pay rent.

I don't have a job!

BOWIE: It's not just
their house.

No, it's not -
it's Dom and my house.

And, Bowie, you're 26 years old.

You need to take responsibility
for your life.

- OLY: He's actually 28.
- 28, Mum.

Oh, well, all the more reason.

- Ange?
- Yeah?

He takes after you, you know?

Um, what are you doing, Bowie?

I don't know, Angela!

I had some pretty
bad news today,

so I don't really
feel like doing anything.

- Get up!
- No. No, no, no! Get off.

- No, no, no. No, no.
- Get up.

Turquoise or teal?

BOWIE: No, I'm sitting here.
No. No!

- Oh, maybe chartreuse?
- BOWIE: No! I'm staying!

ANGIE: No, I want you to get up,
right now!

[YELPS] No!

We think it's terrific.

It's edgy but relatable.

Tell us a little bit more
about it.

Yeah, sure. Um...

It's a very personal
project of mine, actually.

Um, my daughter was
being bullied at school

for being born on a toilet.

[PHONE CHIMES]

She wasn't.
She... she was a surprise.

We had her when we were
still at high school.

- [PHONE KEYBOARD CLACKS]
- So...

I think growing up, for her,
she was always aware of

being different, of...

...you know, of having
really young parents.

- Um...
- [PHONE KEYBOARD CLACKS]

So I made this for her,
to encourage her

to love those parts of her
that make her different.

- [PHONE CHIMES]
- And, uh...

And she really loves it.

And we love it too.

We wanna develop it.

- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Really?

Well, it's great IP.

Maybe a kids series first,

spin it off into a game
down the track.

- Animated feature.
- [SANTI LAUGHS] Wow!

- [MESSAGE WHOOSHES]
- OK, amazing. Awesome.

Look, there's just one tiny,
um, top-line note, really.

- Maybe two.
- OK?

- Couple of commercial things.
- Yeah.

How would you feel
if it was a little boy?

- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Oh!

You see, little boys won't watch
a little girl character.

Little girls will watch
a little boy character.

What about Bluey?

Everyone watches 'Bluey'.

The exception that
proves the rule.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not... Yeah.

Toilet Baby. Um, does
she have to - or he -

need to be born in a toilet?

Toilet's a bit, you know...

OLDER MAN: How about a spa?

Um...

- Spas are sexy.
- Oh, God.

Um, what about a bath?

[PHONE KEYBOARD CLACKS]

I guess lots of babies
are born in baths, right?

YOUNGER MAN: They are.

Yeah, so it could be, like...

[PHONE BEEPS]

...like, Bath Boy.

Perfect.

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

OK. Yeah.

Where do I sign?

What do you do when you hear
an ambulance siren coming?

Uh, I don't...

Get left.
Immediately get out of its way.

What does that sign mean?

Tunnel coming?

Jesus! It means
a speed bump ahead.

Can you cross
double white lines?

Uh, I don't think you can, no.

Wrong. Yes, you can.

You can cross two
double white lines

when you're going
into a driveway.

Uh, what do you have to do
every time

before you get out of the car?

Um, you... you stop.

Oh, very funny, Bowie.

No, you have to
check your mirrors,

you check your blind spots
for cyclists.

- Oh, cyclists, right.
- OK, you're in a roundabout.

Are you listening?
You're in a roundabout.

There's two lanes.
You're in the right lane.

Can you exit left?

- What are you doing?
- You're in a roundabout.

- What are you doing, Angela?
- They're everywhere, mate.

- You have to know what to do.
- What is this?

Bowie, you've been on roads
all your life.

BOWIE: What?

If you're in a roundabout,
there's two lanes.

- What is going on?
- You're in the right lane.

Can you go left?
Can you exit left?

[SIGHS] Oh, God.

- OK...
- No. Nuh.

- OK, we're here.
- No. No, no, no.

- No, no. No, no.
- Yes.

- Why...
- We're here, Bowie.

[SEATBELT CLICKS]

Mum, no.

Angela, no. Angela!

Come on, out you get.

Out you get.

Bowie, out you get.

[SLOW, KOOKY MUSIC]

[RATTLING]

f*ck. [SIGHS] This is
absolutely disgusting.

This hasn't been cleaned
since the internet was invented.

Ugh.

- What's that for?
- Homework.

Alright. Well, clean it up,
please, after.

JJ: I will!

- I've got the protein powder.
- Yeah, cool.

- [FRONT DOOR CLOSES]
- Um... you have that one.

And do you want...
I don't know how much.

Yo.

Dude! Did you get it?

I got it.

Yo!

BOTH: That's heaps good!

Yes!

So it's gonna be
a game type of thing?

Yeah, yeah, they have a whole
IP strategy, like 'The Witcher'.

They're gonna release
the book first

to build a little bit of
momentum.

And they're talking about
licensing for a game.

- An animated feature.
- That's f*cking awesome, man!

I mean, 'Toilet Baby'!
J's gonna be so stoked.

- Yeah.
- ROSA: What's the noise?

Why are we all so happy?

He got the job!

Well, it's a development deal,
but...

It's a deal!
Ah, congratulations!

Ah, mi amor, que bien!

So 'Toilet Baby', right?

You have to do
a Spanish version.

Um, like, um...

...'Bebé de Baño' o algo así.

Yeah, I am gonna have to change,

uh, like, from 'Toilet Baby'
to 'Bath Boy'.

Wait, wait, wait. What?

No, wait. Who's Bath Boy?

Well, the main character
will now be a boy

who was, you know,
born in a bath.

- Oh.
- 'Cause they...

Apparently that happens.
It's more commercial.

It's what the market's buying.

And... we've got
the second baby coming

and Oly's not working, so...
we need the money.

Ahh.

What?

Yeah! What? No. Nothing.

SANTI: Hmm?

Feel like you wanna
say something.

No, I don't wanna say anything.

You know what, man, like,
it's still cool.

- It's cool.
- Yeah, dude.

Come on. Congrats, man.

And that's heaps better!

Heaps.

Um, when are...

What's the news with Angie?

Does she has to, like...

[CLICKS TONGUE]

[GROANS]

Yeah, it's really... full on.

She's got months of chemo
and immunotherapy.

It's... Yeah, it's not easy.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

SANTI: Rosa!

[SOFT MUSIC]

Mum, what's wrong?

Nothing's wrong, sweetie.

Are you hungry?

[SIGHS]

- Parents are dumb, Bluey.
- [GROWLS PLAYFULLY]

If they don't wanna tell me
their stupid secret,

well, I've got a secret too.

You're my secret.

[PUPPY SNUFFLES]

Yes, you are!

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

Bluey!

I got you a dental stick.

- Here you are. Here you are!
- [SNARLS PLAYFULLY]

Uh-oh.

[PUPPY SNARLS PLAYFULLY]

[WHISPERS] Stay in there, Bluey.

[SQUELCH!]

Come on.

Let's go.

What, we're not just
gonna take a moment

to celebrate my
wondrous victory?

If you'd got it 12 years ago, maybe.

Come on, in you get.

Keys, ignition.

OK.

Come on, you've driven before.

Yeah, like, three times.

I mean, I don't really see
the point of this, like...

You know, they're gonna have

self-driving cars and stuff
by the time that I'm...

What, you're 45?

Come on, drive.
Into the ignition.

Handbrake off.

- [STARTS ENGINE]
- Handbrake, handbrake.

Handbrake off and into reverse.
Just press that button there.

And right indicator.

- OK...
- Right indicator.

No, no. The right. On the right.

- No, the right indicator.
- [GROANS]

- That's the windscreen wiper.
- [BOWIE SIGHS]

- Put your foot on the pedal.
- [INDICATOR CLICKS]

No, not that. The other pedal.

- That one.
- Yes.

OK, you're gonna
press down slow there. Go.

[INDICATOR CLICKS STEADILY]

Mum...

...what are you doing?

Just pretend I'm not here.

Just do what you'd do
if I wasn't here.

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

- [ENGINE REVS]
- [TYRES SCREECH]

BOWIE: Ahh!

ANGIE: Ohh!

- BOWIE: Going forward...
- ANGIE: Bowie!

- No!
- In forward motion.

- Bowie, no, just go sl... Ahh!
- [TYRES SQUEAL]

- Mum, just...
- [ENGINE REVS]

- ANGIE: Oh, my God!
- BOWIE: It's not funny!

- [BOWIE SHRIEKS]
- ANGIE: Bowie!

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

[WRY MUSIC]

[GAS HISSES]

I thought you'd know what to do.

I just thought
you needed some encouragement...

...so you could trust
your instincts.

BOWIE: Why would you think that?

Driving is not an instinct!

I just need to be sure

that I have taught you
everything that you need.

- For what?
- To survive without me.

Well, you definitely haven't,
so...

Bowie, you need a life skill.

At least one.

I have a range of life skills!

Oh, OK. Name one.

That's not... That's not fair.

- No, I'm not...
- Bowie.

I should be able to die
knowing that you'll be fine.

Are you serious?

You're talking about dying

and your biggest concern
is that I'm a f*ck-up?

Yes! Both of you,
actually, right now.

Both of us what?

Yeah, Mum's concerned
that we're both f*ck-ups

who are somehow ruining
her ability to die happy.

I mean, I paraphrase,
but that's the f*ck' gist!

What?

Mum, that's not fair.
Bowie is the f*ck-up.

Look at what he just did
to Edie's car.

I'm just temporarily
unemployed and pregnant.

Oly, you are moping around

and you are feeling
sorry for yourself.

No, I am not!

You are! What did you do today?

Organise bookshelves?

By colour gradient!

- Get a job!
- Mum!

Oly, you're miserable!

Life is short, you just...

You love working!

I also have a sick child at home

who, by the way, would love to
know what's going on with you.

No, not yet.

OLY: Well, we should
probably tell her soon.

And no-one's called me back.

No-one's gonna hire me
because I'm pregnant.

And you're sick.

And I've lost my career.

And I'm gonna be
forever raising children!

Oh, come on!

Just get some temp work.

Or go and talk to Shauna.

She can't sack you
because you reported on her.

That is unfair dismissal.

So just go and tell her
that you want your job back.

Harden up!

OK.

Mum,

are you OK?

I just need to know

that you guys are gonna
be alright without me.

Oh... Mum...

Mum, Mum, you're not
dying dying.

Oh, you heard the doctor.

The odds aren't great, are they?

And if either one of you
tell me to be positive,

I swear to God I will
smash this car again.

[SANTI KNOCKS] Hello?

Ahh!

Someone's feeling better, huh?

Yep.

SANTI: That's good.

Bedtime in 15 minutes, OK?

[SNIFFS]

What's that smell?

I can't smell anything.

Hmm.

Maybe something died
in the roof.

Let me open up a window for you.

You know, J, you told Mum you
were gonna clean up the cubby.

Tomorrow.

Hey, J.

You know Toilet Baby?

How would you feel

if, say... she was a boy?

She's a girl.

No, I know, but let's just say,

hypothetically,

that she is a boy.

That would still be
kinda cool, right?

No way.

Hmm.

[PUPPY WHINES]

What is that?

[PUPPY WHINES]

What is that?!

Uh, nothing.

- J...
- [PUPPY YAPS]

Oh, my God! J!

- OLY: Oh, my God!
- JJ: Bluey!

Where did it come from?

She, not it. She's Bluey.

I found her outside
the doctor's today.

What, she... she was lost?

Technically, no.

Oh...

Hang on. J, you stole a dog?

No, Jacinda,
you cannot steal dogs!

[WHINES]

I don't want the baby anymore.

The baby made you all weird.

No-one's telling me anything.

- [PUPPY YAPS]
- Oh, J...

[EXHALES STRONGLY] Baby, the...

People aren't being weird
because of the baby.

Then why were we all
at the doctor's?

[PUPPY YAPS]

J, the baby's gonna be fine.

Um... yeah, the baby's
gonna be great.

People are being weird
because of other stuff.

What other stuff?

Hmm...

It's adult stuff, J.

[SIGHS] Yeah. Yep.

Yeah.

[PUPPY YAPS]

SANTI: You stole a dog!

Mmm, we're gonna have to find
the owners first thing, OK?

What's that smell?

[SNIFFS]

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

[SANTI EXHALES]

- [OLY SNIFFS]
- [PUPPY GRUMBLES]

SANTI AND OLY: Ohh!

- OLY: Jacinda!
- J!

- [GIGGLES]
- SANTI: Come on!

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

OLY: You're gonna have to
incinerate those blankets.

Oly?

You OK?

You seem really down.

OLY: Yeah, well...

SANTI: Are you regretting
getting pregnant?

OLY: I don't know how
to answer that today.

[BIRDS CHIRP AND WARBLE]

[PUPPY YAPS]

- [KETTLE WHISTLES]
- [PUPPY GRUMBLES PLAYFULLY]

Aww, so cute!

Ohh, such a sweetie! Yes!

SANTI: You know,
the owner seemed

really pissed off
on the phone, guys.

Yeah, well, their puppy
was just stolen

by a delinquent child, so...

SANTI: You know,
I still don't understand

how none of you realised
there was a dog in the house

the entire day.

EDIE: You've met Dom, Santi.

Oh, bloody hell!
I mean, there's crusts on this.

I've spent all day
looking after a sick child

and all I cop is criticism.

Can you guys please shut up?

Yeah, guys. No, come on.

Mum doesn't need the stress
right now.

Bowie, don't cotton-wool me.

- I'm a full-grown human.
- [PHONE CHIMES]

Yeah, well, your children
are lost f*ck' causes.

SANTI: Oly. Oly.

- They're here.
- Yes!

OLY: They're here.

- DOM: They're here.
- SANTI: JJ.

Get Biscuit ready. Come on.

Hi. Please, come in.

We're, uh, really sorry
about the misunderstanding.

Hi, I'm Oly.

We think what's happened
is that our daughter

thought that it was her puppy.

Does she have a puppy?

She, uh... She d... No.

No. No.

J, would you like to come
give Biscuit back, please?

Her name's Bluey.

- His name... is Biscuit.
- Come on, J.

Well, I don't think the dog
cares about its pronouns, but...

Come on, J.

- OLY: Good girl.
- [BISCUIT GRUMBLES]

Give Biscuit back.

- Thank you.
- And, J, what do we say?

What's your name, sweetie?

Jacinda.

That dates.

J, come on. Apologise.

We've got a lot going on
as a family.

I think it's affecting
her behaviour.

- Is this paint?
- Oh...

- Uh...
- Is it paint?

Yes, we thought...

...maybe the dog came with that.

Why would we paint our dog?

Look how young they are.
I'm not surprised.

BOTH: Excuse me?

WOMAN: Oh, no. Sorry.

You're doing a really great job
of being parents.

Your child stole our puppy.

- OK, she's a little girl.
- We could press charges!

Oh, f*ck OFF, lady!

You've got your dog back.

Chill out, you know?

MAN: Hey!

There is no need to talk
to my wife like that!

- Whoa. You need to relax.
- I can speak for myself, Boyd.

What is wrong with you people?!

Our mum has cancer.

And nobody's dealing with it
very well.

Oh, well, that's convenient.

- Sorry?
- What?

"Mum has cancer!"

Did the dog eat
your homework too?

OK, you know what, mate?

Would you like to see
a medical certificate?

Or maybe you'd like to speak on
the phone to her oncologist?

Should we show you her scans?

Our mother's dying, arsehole!

What kind of people bully
a dying woman's family?

I might only have
a few months to live.

I don't know how you can sleep.

Hope you're feeling
really good about yourselves.

OLY: You don't deserve
that beautiful puppy!

OK, I think we're gonna
wrap this up.

If you guys are happy
you got your dog?

If you're happy, let's get out.

DOM: I possibly have
cancer of the armpit!

- OLY: Dad!
- What?

I think you should apologise.

- Please.
- Apology!

- It's OK.
- DOM: Go on!

- Do it!
- [BISCUIT YAPS]

Hope you're OK!
Let's get outta here.

DOM: How about a reward
for the safe return of...

WOMAN: Oh, my God.

We'll take any currency!
Bitcoin?

- [ALL LAUGH]
- SANTI: Guys!

- Guys!
- "My mother's dying, arsehole!"

SANTI: Jesus Christ, guys!
No, no!

Oh, come on! Come on!

- [ALL LAUGH]
- Thanks, Boz.

BOWIE: Those guys are arseholes.
You guys are great parents!

- Are you OK?
- SANTI: Yes, OK.

I appreciate it, that was funny.

You know it's been six weeks
and I still don't feel pregnant?

I've had no changes,
no cravings.

No morning sickness. Nothing.

SANTI: Guys.

[DOM AND BOWIE LAUGH]

Oh, J.

Is Grangie dying?

SANTI: Oh. JJ, come here.

That's not what's happening, puchita.

No, she's not going anywhere.

Oh, God.

There it is.

[VOMITS]

[OLY GAGS]

[SLOW, QUIRKY MUSIC]