Problem Child (1990)

[bunniefuu]

[WOLVES HOWLING]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

JUNIOR: Nice night
to be born, huh?

Apparently, my birth was not
considered a blessed event.

That's me in the basket and
that's my mother carrying me.

[JUNIOR CRYING]

And that's my mother...

[RINGING DOORBELL]

...running away.

Well, this can
still work out.

Look at this place!

[JUNIOR CRYING]

Oh!

Madam!

Aw!

Oh.

Who on earth would want
to abandon such a wonderful little baby boy?

[GASPS]

[GROWLING]

[BARKING]

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

But I am not dreaming.

There's one thing I know
I really know,

and that is that there's no such thing in the
world as a bad boy. I'm sure of that.

JUNIOR: Oh, what does he know?

What a strange-looking dog!

[HISSING]

I'll bet he's hungry.

This looks good.

[BELCHING]

Diver Dan, Diver Dan,
surface, surface!

These are my favorite toys.

Who am I kidding?
They're my only toys.

That's my dad.

Oh, so you want to
play rough, huh?

I was just kidding!

Oh, no! Not the nuns,
not the nuns!

Gee, I wonder
if penguins can fly.

Help!

Oh, no!

Help!

JUNIOR: You see? No one
really ever accepted me.

Who'd be that caring?

Who'd be that loving?

Who'd be that dumb?

Oh, listen to this.
It says here that Henry is a strong name.

"He's loyal and loving."

Henry?

Hank.

Henri.
That sounds like a loser.

No, come on,
think about it. Henry, Hank.

Hank Aaron,
that's a winner.

"How was school today, Hank?"
"Great, Dad!"

"Okay, Hank."
That's got potential.

Let's put a star
down next to Henry.

No, I don't like it.

Oh, what about Donald?

It says here that
Donald is wealthy and powerful.

Now that's the kind
of kid I want.

Oh, okay. Look, Flo,
I'll be happy no matter how he turns out.

After all,
he'll be our child.

But it wouldn't hurt if he's
also chairman of the board.

So, when is
your child due?

Oh, well, I'm not really pregnant
yet. We're just planning ahead.

Yeah, a little wishful
thinking never hurt anyone.

You know, here at the clinic,
we pride ourselves on a 99% success rate.

-Little Henry Healy.
-Donald.

Unfortunately,
there is that other 1%.

And you're it.

I'm sorry, but the test
came back positive.

Oh, positive,
I mean, that's good.

No, positive is bad.

No, positive is good,
negative is bad.

No, negative is good.

You see, you are
positively infertile.

You mean, we've been doing
it every night for nothing?

Let me explain.
This is your uterus.

Well, that purple thing
is your cervix.

These green things here
are your fallopian tubes and this...

That's not supposed to happen.
Toss me that. Thanks.

This yellow thing
is your ovary.

Fits right in
there, like that.

Well, you know what?
It doesn't matter.

Because you don't even have
a yellow thing and your green thing is brown.

[STAMMERING] Doctor,
are you absolutely sure there's no hope?

None whatsoever.

Oh, but there are alternatives
to having your own child.

JUNIOR: I tried to like
it at the orphanage,

but then I became
interested in photography.

After that, things
kind of went downhill.

Eat all of your stew,
children.

A growing body
needs nutrition.

And discipline.

Well, if it's so nutritious,
how come I don't see you eating it?

GIRL: Junior! Junior!

JUNIOR: I was never really sure
which one I got, nutrition or discipline.

What do they put
in this stuff?

Hey, Junior, come on,
just eat your lunch.

Please don't get us
in trouble again.

[CHILDREN CHUCKLING]

Who are they kidding?

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

Junior!

And what happened
to your lunch?

It was so delicious,
I just gobbled it all up!

I can't believe it.

For once, you behaved yourself.
Thank you, Lord!

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

Ow!

Hey, lady,
hands off the merchandise!

I gotta hear
out of that thing!

[SCREAMING]

All right, mister, you know the routine.
Start mopping.

Sister, I'm all
packed to go.

There's my
favorite little boy.

I'm going to miss
you so much.

Miss him?
Where's he going?

Haven't you heard?
I'm getting adopted.

I got a new mommy and daddy
and they're so nice.

Really?

Yes.

Good little boys
get good homes.

Bad little boys
get something else!

JUNIOR: Big deal. If you have to be a creep
like Freddy, I don't want a family.

MAN ON TV: A man described
as "evil incarnate."

A man called
"the fiend of the century."

Where are my cartoons?

They did me wrong!
They had it coming!

REPORTER: All 34 of them?

You bet they did!

Geez, this guy's pretty popular.
He's on every channel.

Since he escaped a week ago,

residents of the neighboring three states
have been afraid to leave their home.

Beck, known infamously
as the Bow Tie k*ller,

was finally recaptured this afternoon and
is now on his way back to federal prison.

Why is everybody
always picking on me?

I'm not a bad guy!
I'm just misunderstood!

Nobody cares about me but me!

JUNIOR: What a
good-looking guy.

MAN ON TV: Authorities have confirmed that
because of this attempted prison break,

Beck would have to serve additional time
to an already lengthy sentence.

When he is returned to the federal prison,
Beck will be placed under...

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

WOMAN: There he is!

MAN: Here, son.

WOMAN: Do you see him?
There's our boy!

Oh, honey!

MAN: Your room's all ready.
Packed it full of toys.

WOMAN: Oh, gosh,
I'm so excited!

Have a good day, honey.

Look, why don't you just
take a look at this adoption literature?

We can talk
about it tonight.

Why don't you look
at it yourself?

I don't wear second-hand clothes
and I won't have a second-hand kid.

Adoption is out!

Okay, all right.

Fine.

BIG BEN: [OVER PA]
Welcome to Big Ben's,

the sporting goods store
that has everything.

Sporting goods made by
Americans for Americans.

And my fellow Americans,
don't forget to vote for Big Ben for mayor!

Hey, mister,
do you work here?

I sure do, son.
How can I help you?

Well, I'm looking
for a canteen with a compass on it.

I saw your commercial
and they said you have everything.

You bet we do.
This is Big Ben's.

We got canteens


Now, which one of these
can I fix you up with?

I like this blue one.

Hey, sport, where
did you run off to?

Oh, this man was
helping me find my canteen.

Oh, hey, I'm sorry.
I hope Hank wasn't bothering you.

I guess he's kinda excited
about this camping trip we're going on.

You two really must have
a lot of fun together.

Yeah, these little rascals
really make life worth living.

I mean, what the heck
else are we here for, eh, partner?

-Yeah.
-Come on, buddy, let's go!

-Did you get what you wanted?
-Yeah.

-Okay, thanks a lot, buddy.
-My pleasure.

BIG BEN: [OVER PA] Little Ben!

What?

Get your little butt in here.
I got a big surprise for you.

That's right, Big Ben's
is 100% American.

I'm selling the
store to the Japs.

[STAMMERING] But...

[MOCKING] But...
What?

Thought I was gonna
leave it to you one day?

Uh, yes.

Well, I'm not.

I'm selling to the
Hirohito Corporation.

Well, I still get the land,
right, Dad?

No, you won't.
No, no.

I'm selling that, too.
Everything from here to the river.

What?

Dad! I can't
believe this.

I slaved for you for over 10 years
without even a raise or a promotion.

Is there a lesson to be
learned from all of this?

A lesson?

How about,
don't trust anyone?

Not even your
own father?

Especially
your own father.

You know your problem?
You're too nice.

I expected a little
back-stabbing from you.

Some ruthless scrambling
to get to the top.

But you stubbornly refuse
to follow my example.

JUNIOR: Today's my birthday.
Look what they gave me.

NUN: Junior!

Junior!

What is taking
you so long?

We start serving
dinner in 20 minutes.

I only got two hands.

And I want these
pots so shiny, I can see my face in them!

This one kinda
looks like you.

All right, smart mouth,
now you're gonna pay for it.

Junior!

Yikes! A penguin
in a pot!

Help!

JUNIOR: I wonder if they
want me to do the floor!

[GASPS]

[SCREAMING]

Junior!

[CROWD CHEERING]

BEN: Okay, kids,
huddle up, all right.

Now, listen,
we got three more innings.

Remember, if we win,
we all get ice cream.

ALL: Yay!

And if we lose...

What the hay?
We'll have ice cream anyway, all right?

Go take the field.
I'm proud of you!

Look mean out there!
Look tough!

Little Ben, can I talk
to you for a second?

I told you, Roy, I don't care how many runs
you score, we're not gonna forfeit.

No! Hey, I don't
care about this game.

We got this thing
won already.

I just came over to share
my happiness with you, Little Ben.

Harriet had a sonogram.
Take a look.

What is that?

It's a boy!

Hey, congratulations,
Roy.

And I got one
of these for you.

-Open up.
-I don't smoke.

Come on, open up.
Open up!

ANNOUNCER: It's a home run
for the Chieftains!

Well, what do you know?
Another home run.

Way to go, Gary!

[NUNS CLAMORING]

PEABODY: Can you
please pipe down?

Quiet down,
quiet down!

[ALL CLAMORING]

Ladies, please.
Can you please quiet down?

Sisters, can you quiet down?

Can you act like nuns?

Okay.

Now, there's
absolutely no proof

that Junior was in any way
connected with today's tragedy.

Who needs proof?
He's evil.

He has a wicked mind.
Look what he did in art class. Skeletons.

Headless corpses.

Monsters devouring
human flesh.

All right, look, look.

I don't claim to be some kind
of brilliant psychologist. I'm not.

All I'm saying is maybe
all the child needs is to be loved.

Oh, let's cut the crap,
Mr. Peabody.

Either Junior goes or you
find yourself some new nuns.

No, no, no, please, please,
don't hyperventilate.

Don't...
Just take a deep breath and relax.

The only way we can straighten this out is by
hearing what Junior has to say about it.

I'm sorry, sisters.

Please, please don't make
me lift those heavy stones

and please don't make me
scrub those dirty toilets.

I just want to
be a good boy.

I promise.

You see that?
He said he's sorry.

Please, give me
another chance.

I just want to learn my
lessons and do my studies

so I can be smart
and become a priest.

There. You see that?
A priest.

A priest. It's like
a nun with a jacket.

It's a boy nun.
He wants to be a boy nun.

Let me tell you something.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes.

And there is a big man.

It is in the opinion of myself
and my agency of which I represent,

that Junior will not be
removed from this orphanage.

Removed? What do
you mean "removed"?

Don't worry about it,
Junior.

You see, the nuns just
made a suggestion

you might be happier
outside of the orphanage.

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

What's so funny?

You are,
you stupid d*ck.

You see? He's wicked!

You're not saying you'd rather not
be in the orphanage, are you?

[EXCLAIMING]

Think much, pea brain?
I want out!

You see, Mr. Peabody?
The child is incorrigible.

I'm what? Why don't
you speak English, lady?

Uh, look, maybe...

[IMITATING]
Uh, maybe...

What the child is
trying to say is...

[MOCKING] Maybe if I shrug my shoulders
and move around my hands like this,

maybe people
will think I know what I'm talking about.

Look, it's obvious that
the kid's unbalanced.

I mean, I knew that
from the start.

I was playing
devil's advocate.

Devil, you know...

Anyway, on behalf of
myself and the agency,

this child is going to be removed from
this orphanage as soon as possible.

Well, hurry the hell up.
I'm not getting any younger.

[RINGING BELL]

[CAT MEOWING]

There's Ed and Sally
and little Joey going into the Whites'.

There must
be a party.

Look at her dress.
That's a new...

I've looked all over
for shoes like that.

Wonder why we
weren't invited.

Same reason we weren't invited
to the Reynolds', the Burkes' or the Cursons'.

You can't go to a kids'
party if you don't have a kid.

Being a parent is power,

and once you're in that circle, you wanna
just keep everyone else out.

Flo, being a parent
is about sharing.

It's about a mom,
a dad and a kid.

Except, there isn't
going to be a kid, Ben.

It's just you
and me forever.

Florence,
why can't we adopt?

We've been
through this.

I know, but we have
so much love to give.

Why waste it on
these stupid pets?

They are not stupid!

Hello! Hello!

Think of it this way.

All those mothers had
to make do with what nature gave them.

But you and I, we get to pick out our kid.
It'll be like shopping.

-Shopping?
-Uh-huh.

But the neighbors will know we've adopted.
What'll they say?

The neighbors?
What they'll say is... They'll say, "Look,

"there's Ben and Flo Healy

"going out to yet another
birthday party with their new son.

"Isn't he adorable?

"And look at how fantastic
Flo looks in her new dress!

"Where did she ever get a
bag to match those shoes?"

And then they'll say,
"Let's invite that Healy family over for dinner."

Oh, Ben, dinners!

[CAT SHRIEKING]

Okay, let's get a kid.

All right, hurry up, students.
Five more minutes for your pen pals,

and then we have to work
on our times tables.

GIRL: Dear Queen Elizabeth, how is England?
It must be nice to be a queen.

BOY: Dear Bishop Tutu,
how are you?

I am fine. I hope everything's
going well with your marching.

JUNIOR: Dear Bow Tie k*ller,
how's prison?

There's a nice picture of you on the front page
that I'm gonna add to my collection.

Even though we've never met,
I feel we have a lot in common.

Nobody understands us.

I'm still wearing a bow tie,
so I can look just like you.

After all these letters,
I've got good news.

I'm getting out.
Isn't that great?

Your number one fan, Junior.

Smoke.

Sir, sorry to disturb you
but this letter came for you.

Read this to me.

Hey, it's a
letter from J.R.

Yeah?

Someday we're gonna
meet up on the outside.

We're gonna do
some serious damage.

"Good news,
I'm getting out."

What? He's getting paroled?

They gotta be out
of their minds!

You know that guy?
He's crazier than I am.

Chill. The warden!

Well, well, if it isn't
our model prisoner,

looking so pretty today
in his little bow tie.

Hey, warden, catch!

[SCREAMING]

You know, honey,
I hope I'm not rushing you.

We can always let
nature take its course.

Nature screwed us over.
Let's give commerce a try.

Okay, let's see
what I can do here.

You want a kid
you could love,

I'll put you on
the waiting list.

You should have a kid
in about seven years.

Seven years?

Unless...

Nah, nah, just...
I didn't say a word. I did not say a word.

[STAMMERING] No, what?
What were you gonna say?

Well, I really put my foot in my mouth this
time but, I don't know, I like you two.

k*ll me, I like
the two of you.

And when I like two people,
I want to help them out.

That's just my nature.
I want to help out people that I like.

[LAUGHING]

Just this morning I came
upon a seven-year-old.

Smart as a tack, a little rambunctious
but weren't we all at that age?

[LAUGHING]

Oh, I think I even have
a photo here for you.

FLO: Oh, he does look very
presentable in that little bow tie.

Adorable!

But I don't know.

Seven is rather old. I wanted people to
think I had the baby myself.

That's understandable. A lot of women feel
that way. You want a cute little infant.

One that will start screaming
in the middle of the night,

and you'll have to stumble
downstairs in the dark

and change his smelly
and soiled diapers.

And you know, you'll do your
housework, and you'll eat chocolates

and take care of the kid and
you'll put on 50 or 60 pounds.

-No diapers?
-Hey, you know, you like to sleep late.

There'd be no baby
waking you up in the morning.

We could skip all that baby junk and move
right into the good stuff, like

parties and more parties!

I could be president
of the PTA by September!

And it would be nice
for Fuzzball to have someone to play with.

Yes!
Fuzzball's our cat.

I can't believe it.
Junior, he loves cats.

Do you hear that?
Let's do it. Let's do it.

Mr. Peabody,
you've got yourself a deal.

And you've got yourself a kid.

Here he comes.
Flo, that's our son.

Can you believe it?
Oh, my God,

I can't believe it.
That's our boy.

Oh, he's very handsome.

I'll be the envy
of the neighborhood.

They look like
a couple of yahoos.

[CHUCKLING]

BEN: Hi!

I think I'm gonna cry.

JUNIOR: You ever seen
a grown man wear so much blue?

Hey there,
little buddy.

I'm Ben. This is Flo.

Put it there, partner.

Hi. My name's Junior.
My favorite color's blue. What's yours?

Blue! My favorite color's
blue, too. Can you believe...

He's perfect.
He's wonderful. Come here.

Thank you.
Sisters, goodbye. Goodbye, kids.

Bye, everybody.
Don't forget to write.

[LOCKS BOLTING]

BEN: Hey, we must have gotten
the pick of the litter.

Look, everyone's come
out to see him off.

[ALL CHEERING]

BEN: Here we are.
Isn't this exciting?

All right, everybody out.
Everybody out. This is gonna be so great.

Okay, now, everybody
over by the house.

This is Junior's first
day at his new home.

Okay, I want everyone over.
Come on. Come on.

Junior, put your suitcase
down right here.

Darling, I want
you to hug him.

A lot of teeth.
I want everybody to be happy, all right?

Smile and say,
"Cheese doodles!"

-Cheese doodles!
-Cheese doodles!

That's great.
That's terrific.

So, how come you adopted me?
How come you just didn't have a baby?

Well, gee...

You know, with a baby,
you never know what you're getting.

It could be a dud.
But with you, see, there's no surprise.

Mr. Peabody told us
how terrific you are.

He did?

Sure. He said that you were voted
"Most Popular Orphan" two years in a row.

That was
smart of him.

BEN: Here we go.

Wow! This is
a great house.

And we're going to keep
it neat and clean, aren't we?

I hope you guys
are insured.

[HISSING]

Oh, and you have a cat.
Here, kitty, kitty.

[FUZZBALL MEOWING]

No, no, Junior.
Make nice with kitty.

-[FUZZBALL SHRIEKING]
-Only pet her this way.

I've never seen
Fuzzball act like that.

[POLLY SQUAWKING]

Junior, come here.
I want you to meet Polly. Come here.

Polly, say hello
to Junior.

Hello. Hello.

Is that the only
word he knows?

Yes, son. Come on,
I want to show you the rest of the house.

POLLY: Uh-oh.

Do I get my own bed?

Your own bed? Junior, this is the big time.
You get your own room.

Wow!

I hope you like clowns.

[CLOWNS LAUGHING]

JUNIOR: Oh, my God.
They're Ret*rded.

So, what do you think,
big guy?

Well, there sure are
a lot of clowns.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[DOORBELL RINGING]

That must be your new grandpa.
Now, Junior, you stay right here.

We'll give old gramps
a big surprise, okay?

Shh.

Dad, are we
glad to see you. Come on in.

So what's this big surprise
you dragged me over here for?

Well, Dad,
here's a hint.

Oh, my God!

Finally!

[LAUGHING]

You and Flo cooked up
a cute little kid for my campaign.

You know, I thought you were getting fatter,
Mama. When's my little grandson due?

-Fatter?
-No, Dad. No, no.

Florence is not
gonna have a baby.

You rascal, you!

You followed my advice
and took your sperm to somebody

who knows what
to do with it, huh?

[LAUGHING]

A surrogate mother.

Listen, tell me something,

do you make out with a cup
or you get to bump a real live one?

[CHUCKLING]

No, no.
Dad, we adopted.

Are you insane?

I thought you'd be happy.
Come on.

Happy? You don't know
what you're letting yourself in for.

BIG BEN: Dopehead mothers.
Garbage blood.

For all you know,
his parents may have met in a loony bin.

They might even
be Democrats.

He's a beautiful kid, Dad.
Relax.

Once you meet him,
you'll love him like your very own.

I would like to proudly present the newest
member of the Healy family, Junior.

No! Junior!

BIG BEN: Hey! Now,
that's a $1,000 coat!

Junior, are you in here?

Junior! Junior!

[JUNIOR COUGHING]

Oh, my God!
It's the devil.

-Buddy, are you okay?
-Yeah.

[COUGHING]

Just a little smoky.

Oh, look, here's the problem.
This clown must have shorted out.

Sparks were coming out of his nose.
I was so scared.

Nah, the little punk
is lying.

Dad! Dad!

Well, I hope you kept the damn receipt.
You got one bad seed there.

BEN: Would you keep your voice down?
He could hear you.

You'll hurt his feelings.
It was just an accident.

[FUZZBALL MEOWING]

BIG BEN: Accident, my a*s!
Get rid of him.

BEN: Forget it, Dad.
We've made our decision.

Okay, but it's the last time
I set foot in this house.

[SCREAMING]

BEN: My God! Dad! Stop!

[SIREN WAILING]

Come on, boys.
Get back.

WOMAN: Oh,
what's happening?

BIG BEN: The kid.

Get rid of that kid.
Get rid of him.

Easy!

Get rid of that kid.

Poor Fuzzball.
She'll never be the same.

Are you...
Is that all you can think of, is your stupid cat?

What about the fact
that Father's on his way to the hospital?

Or that Junior's had such
a traumatic first day?

Did you stop and think
about the poor boy? He must feel horrible.

JUNIOR: Yeah, but this
might make me feel better.





Oh.

I see a furry bunny.

And the furry bunny is running
through delicate white snowflakes.

He's lying.
That's not what he sees.

I'm sorry.
I'm conducting an examination.

Now what do
you see, Martin?

I see a meadow.
Pink flowers.

He's lying again.
How can he see pink?

It's a black and white picture.
There is no pink.

Warden, if you don't
stop interrupting,

I am going to have
to ask you to leave.

Well, there is no pink.

I see white
fluffy clouds...

No, you don't!

You see m*rder!
You see guts!

My patient has the right
to a private examination.

You see those seven bodies!

-I'm going to ask you to leave.
-Those damn liberal laws!

Don't you understand?
He sees blood!

No, that's
what you see.

I am so sorry
about that, Martin.

Now, let's get back
to our examination, shall we?

What do you
see in this one?

I see

blood!

Hey, Doc, how did it go
with the star patient?

Oh, that guy. There's a few
bricks missing from his building.

[FLOOR CREAKING]

[GROWLING]

[HISSING]

[SHRIEKING]

Hey, what are you doing?

Nothing.

Gosh, what happened here?

I was looking for some paper
to write a get-well note to Big Ben.

Gee, that's very thoughtful,
Junior, but these are Mom's private drawers.

You shouldn't go in there. It's where she
keeps her needlepoint and crocheting.

I'm really sorry, Mr. Healy.
I was scared being all alone in my room.

Of course. I understand
why you're scared.

This is your first night
in your new home.

It's gonna take some
getting used to, isn't it?

You know, Junior,
I've got to confess, I'm a little scared myself.

This is my first night
being a dad.

Well, you'll learn
quick enough.

Learn? Learn what?

What it's like to be a dad.
Then you'll get rid of me.

Get rid of you?
Junior, we're never gonna get rid of you.

You're here forever.

The two of us,
we're gonna do everything together.

We'll ride bikes,
go fishing, play catch.

I really want
to be a good dad.

I want to be a great dad,
and you know what?

I will never be too busy to sit down and listen
to what's on my son's mind

over a nice cup
of hot cocoa.

Hey, sleepyhead.
You all ready to go camping?

Huh?

I was planning
on watching cartoons.

Don't be such a noodle.

When I was your age,
my father,

your grandfather,
was always too busy to ever take me camping.

You are a lucky duck.

Ben!

Bring him.

Come here, Junior.
I want you to meet someone.

Mrs. Henderson.
And little Miss Lucy.

What a nice surprise.

Well, we heard about
your little accident

and we thought this
fruitcake might cheer you up.

Thank you.

I would like you
to meet my son, Junior.

Pleased to meet you, ladies.

Oh, my! He's a perfect
little gentleman. Isn't he, Lucy?

He's so big.

Yesterday they didn't
even have a kid

and now they have
a seven-year-old. That's gross.

I don't want him
at my party.

[CHUCKLING] Lucy.

But, Mother, he dresses like the
man that cremated Uncle Leo.

Lucy's turning six this week.

But I don't think
we'll have a clown this year.

Or balloons.

Or ice cream.

[SIGHING]

I'm having a birthday
party, Saturday.

I think it would
be nice if you came.

Well, we'll see you
Saturday at 2:00.

We'll be there.

Come on, Lucy,
get in the car.

FLO: Thanks for
the fruitcake.

I'll return the
lovely platter.

BEN: Thanks again.

This is wonderful.
We have finally been accepted.

This parent crap
is really paying off.

I can't believe it.
It's a dream come true. A birthday party.

Now we're actually going
camping with our own son.

Not me, pal. I'm going to the mall
to buy a dress for the party.

Give me some money.

Oh. Does that mean
you're not going camping with us?

Not on your life.

Oh, okay.

Junior? This gives me an idea.
You know something?

I don't see why my son
shouldn't be getting his very own allowance.

What do you
say about that?

All right!

Okay. Now, this is going to give you a good
opportunity to learn to manage money.

A buck? How do you
manage a buck?

Come on, Mr. Molasses.
Let's go. We're late.

[BIRD CAWING]

Neat, bears!

[CHUCKLING]

Don't worry, buddy.
Bears rarely attack unless provoked.

Now, let's keep our
eyes peeled for campsite number 32.

That's the one Roy
reserved especially for us.

Nice spot your friend
reserved especially for us, Mr. Healy.

This is nature, huh?
The sky, the trees...

The toilets.

Hey, you guys. You're not gonna
see the sunset from over there.

Come on over and
watch on our river bank. Come on.

I'd tell him to shove it,
Mr. Healy.

[BIRD SQUAWKING]

It's no big deal.
More important,

why don't you call me Dad?
I'd really like that.

I want to go home
and watch TV.

TV? What's TV compared to the call of the
wild bobolink in that spruce over there?

[FARTING]

That's a pretty big bobolink!

ALL: [SINGING]
Old MacDonald had a farm

E-I-E-I-O

[SINGING CONTINUING]

[ROY AND BEN CHATTERING]

[LAUGHING]

Hey, kids, the wienies
are almost done.

-Yeah.
-All right.

I don't believe this.

JUNIOR: Those are Roy's kids.
They're sharing a brain.

The one on the end
has it today.

Little Ben, get in here.
Inside. Get in here. Come on.

So, how does it feel,
your first night camping with your son?

Oh, Roy, it's great!
It's a dream. It's a dream come true.

Sure, forget the fact that you had to go
into kid emporium and buy one.

Big deal! I mean, we can't all
produce six perfect little angels,

like me and Harriet.

Well, I only got one,
but he's one in a million.

-[ROARING]
-Oh, God!

Oh! Gee, Roy.

Oh, it's gonna give the kids
a big scare, isn't it?

-Well, you got me.
-Wait a minute.

-I got something else for you.
-They'll eat this up.

I can't wait to see
their little faces light up with excitement.

It's so real.
Where'd you get this?

Little Ben,
now that you're a father, try this on for size.

Huh?

[CHUCKLING]

Gee, thanks, Roy.

CHILDREN: [SINGING]
The monkey thought it was all in fun

Pop goes the weasel

A penny for a spool of thread
A penny for a needle

That's the way the money goes
Pop goes the weasel

-All right.
-All right.

-What do we do now?
-Let's tell ghost stories.

Let's roast marshmallows.

Let's light
a forest fire.

Don't you know it's bad
to light forest fires?

That's the whole point.

I'm gonna tell
my daddy on you.

-I'm gonna tell.
-I'm gonna tell.

Let's give him
the silent treatment.

Yeah, just ignore him.

Ignore this.

[ALL SCREAMING]

Oh, gross!

This outdoor life is gonna be
just the ticket for Junior.

I think he's really
gonna blossom out here.

We sure do enjoy it.

I bet you've never
been camping before. It's so much fun.

There's singing, marshmallows
and all sorts of stupid humans to scare.

[GROWLING]

Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream

[GROWLING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Roy, you devil.

What's the matter, kids?
You're afraid of a measly little bear?

BEN: He's not so bad.

[WHISPERING] This is great.
This is great, Roy.

[CHUCKLING]

Let's see if he's ticklish.
Is Mr. Bear ticklish?

Coochie-coochie!

Coochie-coochie!

That was close. You...

[GROWLING]

Roy? Roy!

Help!

Help! Help!

Stay here. Stay here.

Stay here.

Where'd he go?

I think it left.

[GROWLING]

He must have learned it
from the tourists.

[CHUCKLING]

Roy!

[JUNIOR LAUGHING]

I can't get it out of my head that Junior was
responsible for the camping thing.

You should have seen him laughing, Flo.
He was laughing his head off.

Why don't you just lock
him in his room tonight?

Well, it says here that children often
misbehave just to get attention.

And we should resort
to discipline only when other forms

of positive re-enforcement
have failed.

Up yours.
Up yours.

[LAUGHING]

Reinforce that.

[SQUAWKING]

Dickhead.

Mrs. Henderson,
your home is lovely.

Call me Marion.

Marion.
This is fabulous.

There's nothing more wonderful
than children playing,

hearing the sound
of the little voices laughing.

Excuse me.

But Marion, did you see
Junior's little outfit?

FLO: Isn't he just precious?

[BALLOON POPPING]

Well, so Big Ben's
means big business.

Junior. I got some
buttons for the kids

and some bumper stickers
for their bikes.

Now, why don't you do
your grandfather a big favor

and pass them out among
your little friends, huh?

What for?

What for? For 10 bucks,
that's what's for.

Sure, Grandpa.

Kids, huh?

Hmm. Hmm.

Hey, put that down.
That's mine. These are all my presents.

I was only looking at it.

Well, you're gonna break it.
Get away from it. It's mine.

Who's that?

He's a new boy,
but he can't play with us. He's got cooties.

He's not even a real kid.
He's adopted.

GIRL: Ew! Gross!

All right, boys and girls.
Come on out. Time for the magic show.

All right!

[FABRIC RIPPING]

-You can't come out.
-Why not?

'Cause I said so.
It's my party

and I get to say who can watch
my magic show and who can't.

Why aren't you outside
watching the magic show?

Clowns are dumb.

It's tough being
left out, isn't it?

If I were to give
you something,

would you promise to take
very good care of it?

My grandfather gave this
to me just before he died.

What is it?

It's a prune, hardened.
It's a hardened prune.

Grandfather became
a little senile toward the end.

He thought it
resembled Roosevelt.

But the important thing
is that it's a bond between two people.

I've kept it in my pocket
for almost 30 years.

Ben, get over here.
I want you to meet the Hofsteders.

Coming, sweetheart.

I know you'll take
as good a care of it as I have.

Ben, move it!

LUCY: You can't come
to my magic show.

JUNIOR: I had some
magic of my own.

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

JUNIOR: Perhaps this was the one step
too far. This could be a problem.

I think we've
got a problem.

Oh, you think
we've got a problem?

Well, you want to know
what I think?

I think we should get rid
of the kid and buy a new cat.

Flo, you're not
making any sense.

Oh, you want to make sense?
Why don't you show him who's boss?

Here. Be a man.

Please, God, I'm so sorry
for what I've done.

I won't ever do it again.
I promise.

And I don't ever want to cause
Mr. Healy any trouble.

He's the only one that's
ever been nice to me.

Please don't spank me,
Mr. Healy.

Boy, Junior, I don't want to,
but you're gonna have to be punished.

So, I'm gonna take
back your allowance.

The whole buck?

That's right.
Now, just hand it over.

JUNIOR: I wonder if
he's got change for a 20?

Okay. I think you
better go right to bed.

Just use this time
to think about what you've done

and what you're going to do.
Understand?

I hope you've learned
a lesson. Good night.

JUNIOR: What is this guy?
Nice or something?

[HORN BLARING]

-Can I help you?
-Yeah, fill her up.

Smiley Pies!

I ain't had a
Smiley Pie in 15 years.

MAN: [OVER PA] Now, Cold River's
favorite son, Big Ben Healy.

[CROWD CHEERING]

BIG BEN: First of all,
I'd like to thank everyone

who's supporting me
in my race for mayor.

[ALL CHEERING]

This is the
Founder's Day game.

It really doesn't matter
who wins or loses.

Just so long as
Big Ben wins for mayor.

[ALL LAUGHING]

And when you little fellas
hit one out, and that scoreboard lights up,

I want you
to remember Big Ben.

ANNOUNCER: We go to the
seventh inning tied three to three.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

BEN: All right, shake it off. Now, somebody's
gonna have to pinch-hit for Andy.

Okay, buddy, this is it.
Your big moment.

Who, me?

Of course you, Junior.
Come on, I need you to bat.

Get up, grab a helmet.

Get a bat, that's a boy.

But I don't know
how to play baseball.

Well, now is as good
a time as any to learn.

But what happens if...

It doesn't matter
what happens.

The important thing is that you stand up
there and take your cuts, okay?

Remember, I'll be proud
of you no matter how you do. All right, buddy.

Are you out of your mind, for God's sakes,
putting that little monster in the game?

I'm on a campaign here.
I have to look good.

Junior'll do just fine, Dad.
You can do it, buddy. You can do it. Come on.

Nice little tie,
moose breath.

Bet you sell
a lot of Girl Scout cookies wearing that.

ROY: No batter, Cort.

[KIDS LAUGHING]

He's cute, isn't he?

BOY: Come on.

Strike one.

You know, if that kid wasn't adopted,
I'd swear he was your real son.

Who are you, sweetie pie? You weren't on the
team the last time we beat you.

The guy I'm staying
with is the coach.

Oh, you mean that big dork
who buys everyone ice cream.

He is not a dork.

Watch the pitcher,
not the catcher, buddy. Come on!

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

My new car! Oh, my God!

Shake it off, okay?
Just tighten up that grip, all right?

-All right, meet the ball.
-Yeah.

Whatever you do,
hold onto the bat, okay?

-Yeah.
-Come on, boy!

Good idea. Yeah,
hold on to the bat.

Son of dork, son of dork!

[CHANTING] Son of dork!

Son of dork!

Son of dork!

-KIDS: Son of dork!
-Oh, no.

Son of dork!

Son of dork!

Son of dork!

Son of dork!

Son of dork!

Drop the bat, son.

No, that's no good.

Hey! You can't do that.

Whoa!

[THUDDING]

Drop the bat, Junior!
Are you nuts?

-[THUDDING]
-ALL: Whoa!

Come on, little dork,
I got something for you.

[GROANING]

Touchdown! Touchdown!
Touchdown! Touchdown!

Touchdown! Touchdown! Touchdown!
Touchdown! Touchdown! Touchdown!

We've adopted Satan.

I don't know what
you could've been thinking about.

We've done everything
we can for you.

Now, you wait right here.
I'm gonna get the priest.

Hello, Mr. Healy.
Remember me? You sold me a canteen.

Boy, did we have
a great camping trip!

I caught three fish.
My dad was really proud.

Blow it out your a*s.

FLO: Junior. Junior!

Get back here,
you little heathen.

Junior!

Where are you,
you little creep?

Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned. Father? Father?

Father, I'm at the
end of my rope.

It's about my kid.
He's a real problem.

He does the most terrible
things, hideous things.

[STAMMERING] My father hates him.
My wife hates him. Everybody hates him.

Well, everybody except me.
And I've had it with him myself.

God! I've failed, Father.
The kid hates me.

It's time I faced up
to what I do have to do.

I'm gonna take him
back to the orphanage.

No, no, you don't want to do that!
That's the worst thing you could do!

Can I call you back
in five minutes?

He's all yours.

Ben, Flo, can we
discuss this?

There is nothing to discuss.

We're signing him back
over to you right now.

Bad parents make bad children!

Oh, so, now I'm a bad parent
just because I hate my kid?

There is something
very strange about that boy.

He is twisted. And you're not
gonna palm him off on us.

You took him.
He's yours.

That's because
you conned us into him.

What am I supposed to do
with the little creep?

He's already been
returned 30 times.

Well, this makes 31, Charlie.

Okay, Mr. and Mrs. "We don't care
about brown hair and brown eyes.

"We just want to take him into our home and
let him play with our disgusting cat."

Hold it, hold it.
Stop. Stop, wait.

Well, what are we talking about?


Flo, did you hear that?
He's been returned...

My God, this is a human being
we're talking about.

Don't you give me that
human-being crap. That kid's a monster!

Flo, don't you see? We're doing what
everybody else has done to this child.

I mean, it's easy
to give up on a kid.

Damn straight it is.

But isn't that what's wrong
with the world today?

I mean, everybody's looking
for the easy way out.

[STAMMERING] They're hoping
that their problems will just go away.

But problems don't
just go, Flo, you know?

So, the question before us is what are we
gonna do with our little problem child?

I'll tell you
what we're gonna do.

Something that no one's
ever done for him ever before.

We're gonna love him, Flo.

Oh, yes, we're gonna
love him when he's bad.

We're gonna love him even
harder when he's worse.

Until one day
he's gonna crack and say,

"Hey, these folks
really do love me.

"They ain't gonna quit on me.

"I don't have to
be bad anymore.

"What the hay!
I can be President of the United States!"

President of the United States?
Are you brain-damaged?

Junior's gonna be a convict
before he's in third grade.

Shh!

Junior? Son?

Junior, unlock the door.

You said you were
gonna keep me forever.

I am. I'm sorry,
I just made a mistake. Trust me.

We're not gonna take you
back to the orphanage.

I don't believe you.

You only pretended to be my friend.
You're just like all the others.

Junior?

Now, come on, son.

You moron!
You left the keys in the car.

Hey, he can drive!
Boy, that's great!

Look at you handle this baby!
I'm so proud of you, son!

Junior! Junior! Hold it!

MAN: Get out of the way,
you jerk!

Left! Turn left!

Right, Junior!
Right, Junior!

Watch it!

No!

No, no, no. No, no, no...
Don't touch that! Don't touch...

Junior!

No!

Watch out!

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Ben? Jim O'Connor.
Are you sitting down?

Yes.

Bad news, Ben.

Your father cleaned out your bank account
to pay for the damage to his store.

Look, I know nothing can make up for the
loss of your life savings, but...

Ben?

JUNIOR: Uh-oh!
He's lost it now.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

All right!

Private business.

Hi.

Get out of my way, kid.
I'm looking for J.R.

That's me, Junior.

I don't have time
for this crap, kid.

Now, the guy I'm looking for is an ex-con
and he's as mean as a rattlesnake.

That's me, dummy!
I sent you all those letters.

Man, I drove a thousand miles
to hang out with a seven-year-old?

I'm gonna be eight
in two weeks.

Don't count on it.

Mr. Healy, Mrs. Healy, I'd like you to meet
the greatest guy in the whole wide world.

Martin, uh...

Uncle Marty!
Yeah, Uncle Marty!

Marty, this is
Mr. and Mrs. Healy.

And that's the $3,000 stereo system
and the console TV.

How wonderful!
An uncle!

You absolutely must
stay the night.

It is so wonderful to meet the uncle
of our darling little Junior.

Did you hear that?
Uncle Marty.

We've gotta treat
this guy like royalty.

We've gotta make him think
that Junior's an angel.

We can't let him leave
without taking that little brat with him.

Everybody just loves Junior.

Would you believe
that for pocket money,

he helps some of
the older residents with their groceries.

Isn't that right, Ben?

[BEN MUTTERING]

But if only he had a blood relative taking care
of him, someone with a natural tie.

Like an uncle!

More meatloaf, Marty?

Yeah.

I'll get you some.

JUNIOR: This guy is
just so appealing.

I'll give you a hand.

Your nephew is such a
delight around the house.

He's always cleaning and
tidying up after all of us.

Perfect for a single
man living alone.

Are you a bachelor, Marty?

I ain't been with
a woman in 15 years.

Well, women just love
single male parents.

I mean, if you had a kid like Junior,
the women would be flocking over you.

[FLO PANTING]

Did you say 15 years?

Wait.

[UTENSILS CLATTERING]

MARTIN: Stop it!

[MARTIN GROANING]

Hey, let me show you
all the stuff I brought for our trip.

I got my a*mo. There's g*ns,
hand grenades, and even dynamite.

These are toys.

What are you jerking me around for?
This is kiddies' stuff!

Hey, what did you do that for?
Don't we need supplies?

What are you talking about?
I'm not working with you.

But I thought we were gonna be partners.
I thought you liked me.

Hey, I don't like no one.

I work alone.

Goodbye, Junior! Goodbye, Flo!
Oh, I am so sad to see you go.

$100,000? Ha!
You can keep them!

Good morning!
Hello, sunshine!

I thought this was supposed
to be our honeymoon.

You said you loved me.
You called me your little kumquat.

This is our honeymoon,
you moron.

Moron? Moron?

I went to Radcliffe.
I'm not just some uneducated bimbo

you can tie up and do
whatever you want with.

-You shut up!
-I will not shut up!

FLO: Let me out of here.
Do something, you stupid piece of...

You're gonna regret this.

You're gonna have
to open this trunk.

I'm gonna be waiting and when I'm done with
you, you're gonna be singing falsetto!

Here's Daddy!

Goodbye, Junior!

Adiós! Hasta luego!

Sayonara!

Yeah!

Yes, that's very
creative, Junior.

Yeah, right on the money.

He liked me.

All this time
he actually liked me.

Vote for Big Ben.
Here, read this.

You can't go in. Your father's making
a television appearance for his campaign.

Dad? Dad,
I gotta talk to you.

Oh, what the hell are you doing here?
I'm about to go on the air.

Florence and Junior
have been kidnapped.

-Five minutes, Mr. Healy.
-All right. All right.

I need $100,000.

Are you insane?

That kid is a monster
and your wife is the original pain in the a*s.

This is the best damn thing
that could've happened to you.

Dad, are you gonna lend
me the money or not?

No, I'm not gonna
lend it to you.

You work for me, remember. I know
what you get. You're a damn credit risk.

Okay, then I quit
as your son.

All right. Just get the
hell out of here, huh?

I got a g*dd*mn
campaign to win.

Your campaign,
the one thing you do care about.

Hey, Dad, why don't you
go ahead and tell the voters

what you really plan
on doing with this town?

I don't give
a rat's a*s for the voters.

Well, I guess we're ready
with that live feed

from Big Ben Healy
on the campaign trail.

That's why I'm a success
and you're not.

America for the Americans.
You believe that nonsense?

You're stupider
than I thought.

I'd sell my soul to the Japanese
if they'd make me an offer.

[BIG BEN LAUGHING]

And as for you, don't come sucking round
me if you want something.

The only thing you'll
get from me is this.

[PHONE RINGING]

[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]

Hello?

You got the money?

Uh, yeah.

Good. Bring it
to the circus.

I'll be waiting
at the tiger cage.

Roy, I need your car.

Hey, forget about it, Chester.
We're going hunting.

So am I.

Hey, Little Ben, you can't borrow it.
We're all packed up and ready to go.

What are you doing?
Get comfortable in there.

You're not going
anywhere, buddy.

Hey! Hey!
Just wait a minute.

Oh, great. Well, the joke's over.
Come on back.

Yeah. What do you
think you're doing?

Hey!

GIRL: Hey, you can't...

ROY: Hey! Hey,
get back here, you!

Hey!

GIRL: What is he doing?
ROY: Get back here!

Gee, I've never been
to the circus before.

I'd sure like to
try a swizzle dog.

Yeah, well,
I hate circuses.

Nothing worse than
a bunch of clowns trying to make you laugh.

[HONKING]

Look, a giraffe!

Look, a fist!

[HONKING]

Clowns.

FLO: Help! Help!
Let me out of here.

I know you're out there.
Get help!

Why isn't anybody doing anything?
I know you're out there.

I can hear you breathing.

Hey, Martin, let's go
see the bearded lady.

No, I've seen too many
of them in prison.

Now, stop bugging me
or you're gonna get hurt.

What did you say,
you bow-tied freak?

Nobody hurts my boy.
Now let him go!

Forget it, big daddy.
Now, this is my show. I'm calling the shots.

Okay, we make a switch
on the count of three.

You toss the money
and I release Junior.

Fine.

One, two, three.

BEN: Hey, what are you...

-Sucker!
-Give me the boy.

Why? He doesn't wanna go with you.
He wants to go with me.

How about it, kid?
We'll go on a crime spree.

We'll terrorize
the whole state.

We'll eat Smiley Pies until we drop.
What do you say?

Come on, let's have some kicks.
Tell-a me.

Tell-a me.

Yeah, kicks, good idea.

[GRUNTING]

I'll tear you apart,
you little brat!

Not while I'm around.

Run, Junior, run!

My money!

Hold it!

ANNOUNCER: The astounding
Aslanian Family Tumblers!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[YELLING IN
FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Excuse me, lady!

[SCREAMING]

I'll get you now!

JUNIOR: Look out below!

Junior, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine, Dad.

You called me Dad.

Yeah, I guess I did.

Get out of the way!

Hey, he's getting away!

Nobody messes with the Healys
and gets away. Come on.

There he is!

JUNIOR: There's nothing
like going for an outing with your father.

Wow! Look what I found.

Hey, that's Roy's.
Give me that.

Why? You can't drive and
sh**t at the same time.

-What do we do?
-I got an idea.

Go get him, Dad!

Faster, son, faster!

Attaboy!

sh**t out his tires, Dad!

-FLO: Hey!
-Don't mess with me!

FLO: I demand you
stop this car!

[FLO SCREAMING]

-What the hell is going on?
-Flo?

Ben, I want a divorce!

Shut up, Flo!

[SCREAMING]

Stop! Junior, stop!
Hit the brakes!

[FLO SCREAMING]

[POLICE SIREN WAILING]

FLO: Now what the hell's going on?
What's that smell?

Well, Flo always said
she wanted to travel.

Come on, let's go home.

OFFICER: Move it!

You little traitor!

BEN: No!

No!

JUNIOR: Daddy!

Daddy, please don't go!
I'm sorry for all those bad things I did.

If you come back, I promise I'll never
do anything naughty again.

Daddy, come back.
I love you.

I love you, too, son.

Dad? I don't believe it.

I don't believe it, either.

Are you gonna be okay?

Yeah.

But the prune's had it.

[LAUGHING]

Lay still, please.
An ambulance is on the way.

No, I'll be
all right, officer. He got me in the prune.

Okay.

Now, you're not gonna hold me to all that
stupid junk I said about being nice, are you?

Of course not.
I just want you to be yourself.

Some people never learn.

Come on, son.

Come on.

JUNIOR: Why does this guy love me?
Why do parents love any kid?

Maybe it's one of those
answers we'll never know, like,

"How high is up?"
"Why is the sky blue?"

and "Whatever happened
to Mrs. Healy?"

Hey, your pig's
making funny noises.

Yeah. Big Miguel,
he's got a bad stomach.

[PIGS SQUEALING]

[PIG FARTING]

FLO: Oh, my God!