Problem Child 3: Junior in Love (1995)

[bunniefuu]

Hi! This is me,
Junior Healy.

This is me and my dad,
Ben Healy.

He's the best!
I love him and he loves me.

This is my grandpa,
Big Ben Healy.

He's old, wrinkly, and mean.

Believe it or not,
some people think
I'm a little devil.

But I'm not. I'm an angel--
an avenging angel.

In general, I like people.

I just got no patience
for losers, whiners,

criers and biters.

This is Mortville Elementary
School,

where I'm currently serving
a five-year sentence.

And this fine specimen
is my teacher, Miss Hicks.

I hate Miss Hicks!

And for some reason, she's not
too fond of me, either.

But don't worry,
she's about to take
an early retirement.

Michelle.

"Geothermal Energy
Is My Friend"--

A plus.

Steve.

"Frog to Fish
Liver Transplant."

A plus-plus.

Murph.

"Potato art."

Well, at least this year
you tried.

D... plus.

Oh, yeah! Whoo!

Calm down, Murph.

And finally...

last--and certainly least--

Junior Healy.

Yes, Miss Hicks?

Don't "Yes, Miss Hicks" me,
you vile little hellion!

In all my 43 years of teaching,

I have never encountered
a more sinister presence
in the classroom

than the likes of you!

Well, it ain't been no picnic
for me, either.

Well, it seems that once again

you haven't completed
your assignment.

Big surprise.

Class! Take a good, long look

at this lazy slacker
who's about to get an F.

Ohh....

Busted!

Do you know
what F stands for?

It stands for Flunk.

It stands for Failure.

It also stands for Fat Farm.

What are you saying?

I'm saying join the circus!

You'd make a fortune!

And besides, lady,
I did do a science project.

It's all about
sound waves.

Oh, right.
And when do I get it?

Oh, it's coming...

any second now.

Huh?

Hey!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Aaaah!

Get this off me!

Going down?

Aaaah!

Ohh....

Naturally,
that overgrown rat Murph

squealed on me and the
principal called my dad.

But as the poet said,

if you're gonna do the crime,
you're gonna do the time.

What's the big deal?
I never touched her.

Accidents happen.

Well, there's been
a lot of accidents lately.

It's that time of year.

You're mad at me,
aren't you?

Yes, I am.

So you don't like me anymore?

Junior...

you know that
no matter what you do

I love you very much.

And I would do
anything in the world for you.

But I just can't handle
everything.

So...

I've decided that we need
someone special to talk to.

A shrink?!
Turn it around!

And what does this
remind you of, Junior?

An ink blot.

Well...
And this?

Another ink blot.

Okay. And...

this?

A basket of warm,
fuzzy newborn kittens.

-Really?
-Really?

No! It's just another
crummy ink blot!

How many times do
I have to tell ya, lady?!

Thank you, Junior.

Would you mind
stepping outside
for a moment?

I need to speak
to your father.

It's all right, Junior.

It won't be long.

Ohh-- Uh, Junior.

Don't get into trouble.

Dad.

Okay.

So, Doc,
what do you think?

Is there anything
wrong with Junior?

Absolutely nothing.

Nothing?

He is perfectly normal.

And just as sweet
as a cinnamon bun.

Mm-hmm. That's right.

And you are doing
a wonderful job,
Mr. Healy.

I just think that
Junior's biggest obstacle

is that he feels like...

an outsider.

He needs to feel
like an insider.

Get him involved
in some activities
with his peers.

Peers? What are peers?

Well, I don't know if that
would be such a great idea.

You see, Junior
is a little bit...

high-spirited.

Exactly.

And that's why

we need to channel that energy
into positive activities.

-Sports.
-Sports?

-Scouting.
-Scouting?

Or cotillion!

Cotillion?!

-As in dancing-with-girls
cotillion?
-Exactly!

Why don't you just k*ll me?!

I ain't goin'! No way!

Believe me, Junior,

one of these days
you're gonna thank me for this!

Aaaah!

Nice, huh?

Junior!

No!

Aaah!

No! I'm not gonna go!

Aaah!

Don't!

Hold it!

I told you once,
I'll tell you
a million times--

I ain't dancing
with no skirts!

And that's final.

Fine.

Fine, you win.

Huh?

Even though I think
you need to be with other kids

and learn to socialize
and feel more comfortable
with yourself,

I can't force you, Junior.

I mean,
you're getting older now.

It's time you started
to make your own decisions.

I mean, after all,
what I think is right

might not necessarily
be right for you.

Son...

you're free to
do what you want.

Really?

No!

-Put this on! You're going!
-No!

No! Child abuse!

No! No! Help!
Child abuse!

Somebody do something!

Ah, that's better.

Wow!

Look at this place.

This is great!

This is hell.

Helloooo!

Aaaah!

Junior!

I couldn't help it.

Junior, this is Lila Duvane.
This is your teacher.

She's a world famous
fox trotter.

Since when?
The civil w*r?

Welcome to the Lila Duvane

Academy of Dance.

What a darling little boy!

You can drag me in here,
but you cannot make me dance.

No. Way. No. How.

No--

Wow!

What a dame!

She's the most beautiful girl
in the world!

And I don't even wanna
torment her!

Junior?

Junior,
are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah. Great, Dad.

Now can ya cheese off?

You're cramping my style.

I take a few

adult pupils...

for private lessons.

Want some punch?

Absolutely not.

Murph--

Who's that girl?

Tiffany.

She just moved here.

Why?

-Do you like her?
-Me?

And a broad?

Get serious.

She just seems...

I don't know... lonely.

Yeah, right.
Stand in line.

See? That's that, uh,
scout guy. Duke.

He's got so many badges
I can't even count 'em.

And there's the captain
of the hockey team. Blade.

And there's that actor guy.
Corky McCullum.

He's so famous
he's got his own cereal box.

Big deal.
What do they got
that I ain't got?

A prayer.

Look,
you're out of your league.

Why don't you talk to
my sister Bertha?

She thinks you're hot.

Who let her
out of Jurassic Park?

Did you just
insult my sister?

No.
I insulted T Rex.

-Where you goin'?
-To meet Tiffany.

You? Huh! You don't stand
a snowball's chance
in a microwave.

Sure I do.

All I gotta do
is talk to her.

What's going on?
My heart's pounding!

My palms are sweating!

And I'm thinking thoughts
I never thought before!

"Junior and Tiffany."

"Tiffany and Junior."

Sure, it sounds crazy.

But somehow it all makes sense.

Here goes nothin'!

Stand back, boys,
and watch a master at work!

Hi.

Say hello!

I'm Tiffany.

Tell her your name!

Uh...

Talk to her!

Say anything!

I saw a dead cat yesterday!

- Get lost, Healy.

Yeah! Beat it, troll.

-Nice tie.

Children!

Children!

Listen up, children!

Now, everyone choose a partner.

And choose wisely,

because just around the corner

is our annual Costume Ball,

where two lucky children

will be chosen King and Queen!

Tiffany,

-may I have this dance?
-My pleasure.

Hello.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Hey, what's the big idea!
Put me down right now!

Aaaah!

Tiffany!!!

Duke--
he thinks he's so cool.

I know just how to
heat him up.

Aaaah!

And Blade--

he's flying a little too high.

Somebody's gonna have to
sh**t him down!

Ready, aim, fire!

And Corky McCullum.

He's got a pretty big head--

Maybe I should
take a little off the top.

They will pay.

Oh, yes...they will pay.

I am Mr. Burtis,

and unlike some of
the teachers you've had...

...I've got rules.

Lots and lots of rules.

Rules that will be followed
at all times.

Rules that cannot
and will not

be broken.

You.

Little boy,
what are you gawking at?

The bell.

Why?

You'll see.

Uh-oh.

-Thanks! I learned a lot.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ow!!!

Ohh....

Aaaah! Aaaah!

Aaaaah!

Bye bye, Billy!

And remember,
brush three times a day,

or this deadly fungus
will grow in your mouth,

cover up your entire head,

and make your skull cave in!

Next up: Junior Healy.

Oh, no, you don't!

No!!!
Let me out!!!

Gotcha!

Aaaah!

Ooh! That's gotta hurt.

-Is it a cavity?
-Is it a cavity?

Is it a cavity?
Mister, your son's mouth
is a disaster area!

What have you been eating,
kid--hand grenades?!

Speak up, Cottonmouth,
I can't hear you. Ha ha ha!

A little dentist humor.

You're insane!

Nurse Kiki, the X-ray.

Yes, Doctor.

Oh, Ben--

Can I call you Ben?

Well, I just did,
so I guess it's a little late.

Ben, did anyone every tell you
you have excellent teeth?

Here, how would you like
some free dental floss?

Here.
Keep that for yourself.

Ooh! Isn't it heinous?

Your child has
a rare condition
known as

Appaloosa gingivitis
nervosa.

Now, what this means
in simple layman's terms

is that his incisors
are in a life-and-death struggle

with his bicuspids!

And his canines
are horrified,

paralyzed with fear,
staring incredulously!

And his molars--

Ooh, I don't even want
to talk about his molars.

That's a horse's mouth,
you wack!

Nurse Kiki!
More cotton!

Aaaah!

He's obviously delirious
from the pain.

Oh, you poor boy.

What you must be
going through.

The guilt! The shame!

Luckily, there's a cure.

A nose job?

Oh, sorry,
I moonlight a little
on the side.

Your kid needs braces!

Braces?!

-Oh, no, you don't!
-Cotton!

Aah! Aaaah!

Look, kid. Braces aren't so bad.

All you'll need 'em is for,
I don't know, a year, two years.

Awright, ten, twenty years.

Everybody's had 'em.

I mean, look--Stallone,
Schwarzenegger,

the entire cast
of Melrose Place.

Heather Locklear--

she used to have teeth
out to here!

She was a walking can opener!

She could eat apples
through a picket fence!

Now look at her--

she's got a smile
almost as sexy as mine.

Yuck!

How soon
does he need 'em?

How soon can you pay?

I don't know.

Um, I don't mean to sound cheap,
but...how much are they?

-Ha ha ha ha!
-Ha ha ha ha!

Braces!
A one-way ticket to Geeksville!

But as bad as it looked for me,

my dad had to do something
even more humiliating--

ask his old man for a loan.

It's open!

What are you doin' here?

I just came
by to say hi.

Hi.

Dad, what are you doing?

Boxing's a great way
to stay in shape.

Yeah, but with Conchita?

Your best fighters
are Latinos. Heh heh.

You got Chavez, Duran--

Come on,
you flabby old goat!
Give it to me!

That's the way
I like 'em. Feisty.

Where's the little demon?

He's at school.

And, Dad,
he's not a demon.
Junior loves you.

Yeah--he'd love to see me
pushin' up daisies.

Ooh!

-h* h* h*!
-Be a man.

Be a man!

Uh, speaking of Junior,

we had a little bit
of a crisis today.

What happened?

Somebody finally
drain the lake?

Well, we went to the dentist,

and we found out that
he needs braces.

That's a complete
waste of dough.

Have 'em yank
all his teeth out.

Dad, braces are expensive,

and I was wondering
if maybe I could...
borrow some money.

-How much?
-$5,000.

Sure. No problem.

-Come on.
-Really?

Yeah, all you gotta do is

-knock me out.
-What?

You heard me.
Conchita, give him the gloves.

Dad, I don't wanna fight you.

Whatsamatter?
Afraid you'll lose?

Ha! No...

Come on,
take a sock at your old man.

You know you want to.

-No, I don't!
-Sure you do.

-Do it.
-But you won't. You know why?
I'll tell you why.

Because you're a failure.
You got no guts.

That's why your wife dumped ya.

That's why you can't
get a girlfriend.

That's why other people
push you around.

Ha ha ha!
That's why you got
that rotten kid!

A rotten kid
with rotten teeth!

He is not rotten!
You take that back!

Make me!

Remember--
Right, block, jab.
Right, block, jab.

He has no left.

Ooof!
Go for the gut.

Awright.

Five thousand smackers.

Right here.

Are you gonna take back
what you said about Junior?!

No way, loser.

And that's all you are

is a tiny little
cry-baby loser.

Ooh!

Ooh....
you hit your own father, huh?

Dad--I'm so sorry.

I don't know
what got into me.

Oh, that's all right,
little Ben.

-No hard feelings?
-No! None whatsoever.

Ha ha ha!

Ay caramba.

There she is!
And she's alone.

Ah, Tiffany.

Little do you know
the happiness that awaits you.

Do you, Junior,
being of sound mind

and incredible intelligence,
grace, and charm,

take Tiffany to be
your lawfully wedded wife,

to have and to hold,

to cherish and make every day
as wonderful as

the last day of school?

And how!

And do you, Tiffany,
promise to devote your
entire life to Junior,

will you agree to a reasonable
prenuptial agreement,

to never gain too much weight,

bug him about
staying up late to watch TV,

brushing his teeth
or changing his underwear

for the rest of
your natural days?

Anything.

Ever since the first day
I laid eyes on you,

I knew I had to be yours
and yours alone.

And so it shall me, mi amore.

Then by the power
vested in me

by the Dream Sequence
Board of Review,

I pronounce this
striking young couple

man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

At last!

Now, this time
don't be nervous!

Grab the bull by the horns!

Profess your undying love
to her!

Hi.

Spit it out,
you dope!

Uh...

Last summer my big toe nail
turned black and fell off!

-Hey, Healy!
-Hey, Dork.

It's Duke, not Dork.

Duke!!!

Duke.

Come on, pal.

I'd thrash you right now,
but Tiffany's here,

and Prairie Dog Scouts
don't fight in front of ladies.

But you wouldn't know that
because you're not
a Prairie Dog Scout.

A geek like you
wouldn't last a second.

Come on, Tiff.

See that badge?
It's for canoe racing.

Me and my dad
just set the new record.

Really? Wow!

This guy Duke
is a tough nut.

But I know
just how to crack him.

Come on, Dad,
only one more mile.

Floor it!

Boy, Junior,
I haven't seen you
so excited

about anything
that wasn't flammable.

Are you kidding, Dad?
Prairie Dogs are the best!

Did you know that


are performed by
Prairie Dog Scouts?

-Is that so?
-Mm-hm.

Oh, and look here.

"Famous Prairie Dog Scouts
have included

President Herbert Hoover,
General George Patton,

and rock musician Frank Zappa."

Wow, you're really gung-h*
about this Prairie Dog stuff.

Who wouldn't be?
Where else would you learn
how to feed, clothe, and house

a family of four using only
an 8-foot birch tree?

I'm thrilled to see
you're so excited
about something.

But you wouldn't have
any particular reason
for joining Scouts, would you?

What do you mean?

Reasons. Like...

well, remember when you joined
that archery class?

Dad, all I'm doing
is going out in the woods

and playing with other kids
under adult supervision.

Would you rather
I joined a g*ng?

No, scouting is just fine.

Hey, Dad--
they got archery here, too.

Oh, boy.

Left, right, left!

Left, left,
left, right, left!

Left, left,
left, right, left!

-And halt!

Prairie Dogs,
line up!

On the double!

Scoutmaster Phlim.

Hi. We spoke on the phone.

I'm Ben Healy.
This is my son Junior.

Welcome aboard,
grunt!

Mister, today you're
dropping off a boy,

but believe me,
you're gonna be
picking up a man.

-That's great.
-Unh...unh...

Scoutmaster Phlim, I have
a little suggestion for you.

Junior doesn't always
respond well to authority,

so you might want to
take it easy on him
for a while.

Is that so?

You have no idea.

Well, gosh, Ben, thanks.
I'll keep that in mind.

Nice meetin' ya.

- Bye, Dad!

Have a nice day.

Get in line, Healy!
Now!!!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go!

- Atten-shun!

Prairie Dog Healy.

I said "attention."

That means snap to--
On the double!

-Understand?
-Yeah.

No, no...

You don't say "yeah,"

you say, "Yes, sir,
Scoutmaster Phlim!"
Let's hear it!

Yes, sir,
Scoutmaster Phlegm!

It's Phlim, not Phlegm.

Phlim!!!

Sor-ry.

Prairie Dog Duke,
give me the Prairie Dog Motto!

Yes, sir, Scoutmaster Dad!

Prairie Dogs never cry,
Prairie Dogs never say die

Prairie Dogs do not rest,
Prairie Dogs are the best

-Arf arf arf arf!
-Arf arf arf arf!

What is this, a kennel?

Kennel? Heh heh.

Okay, it's time
for today's lesson--

Fire-starting.

Healy!
You get the firewood!
Get going!

Duke, go with him.
Make sure he does it right.

Move it, scrub!

So, Dork--

It's Duke.
The name's Duke.

Whatever.

Anyway, do you like Tiffany?

What do you care,
twerp?

Just asking.

She's...all right.

Does she like you?

Of course.
Why wouldn't she?

'Cause you're an idiotic,
zit-licking, moronic boob.

What?!
I said there's a stick
by your boot.

Oh.

You don't like Tiffany,
do you?

Me? A dame?
Get real!

Good. 'Cause she'd never go out
with a little twerp like you.

Not in a million years.

You and Tiffany?

Ow!

Where are you doing?

Nature's calling.
Be right back.

Perfect.

Be prepared.

Hey!
Where's Healy?

Uh, he's taking a leak.

What a wimp!
Real men hold it in!

What's that sound?

Sounds like
a chain saw.

Back to camp, soldier!
Sir! Yes, sir!

I'll supervise
young Master Healy...
personally.

Healy!

Healy!

Where'd that little pipsqueak--

Ooh.

An arrowhead.

Today's my lucky day.

Timberrrrr!

Oh, Mama!

Arf! Arf! Owoohh!

Prairie Dogs
never say die!

Ha ha ha ha!

Okay, so far I was

having a little trouble
meeting Tiffany.

But there's nothin' that turns
a woman's heart to butter

-like a good deed.

Here's your notebook, Tiffany.
You must have dropped it.

No need to thank me.
I'm a Prairie Dog Scout,
it's my duty--

Unnhhh!

Ha! Loser.

Blade. Hi.

What's up, Tiff?

-Your hair looks nice today.
-So does yours.

I know.

Of course, you realize,
Blade,

that you have just entered
your own Vietnam--

a w*r you cannot win.

Hey, Dad!

I think I finally found
a sport I like.

Are you sure
you want to do this?

These guys look
pretty advanced.

-Especially that one
right there.
-Blade?!

He stinks!

I don't know...

Don't worry, Dad.
I can skate rings
around these guys.

Whoa!

Hey, fellas!

Mind if I join ya?

-Get outta here!
-No way!

Wait a second, guys.

Sure, Healy.
You can play.

Come on, guys.
We'll have some fun.

Oh. Okay.

Come on, Healy.

-Gee, thanks.
- I like the tie.

-Junior, be careful!
-I will.

Don't worry, sir.
We'll take good care of him.

Duck, Healy!

-Junior, look out!
-Aaaah!!!

Junior! Wake up!

How many fingers
do you see?

Unh...just one,
Mr. Lincoln.

Mr. Lincoln?

Yeah...aren't you
Abraham Lincoln?

The man who
freed the sl*ves?

No, Junior, I--
I'm Ben Healy.

I'm your father.

Geez, Dad,
get a clue!

I was only kidding.

Boy, you had me
worried there.
You took quite a hit.

You know,
there's a lesson
to be learned here.

There once was a man
by the name of Knute Rockne

who started coaching football

at a little school
called Notre Dame.

Now, everyone thought
that his good-for-nothing team
would never amount to anything.

But who had the last laugh?

Knute Rockne, that's who.

See, old Knute,

he had something
that no one counted on...

and that was stamina,
enthusiasm, drive.

Why, he even put
all his players in silk jerseys
so that no other--

Cut to the chase, Dad!
What's the point?

The point is, Junior,
you can't quit.

Quit?

Who said anything
about quittin'?

I ain't no quitter,

and that goes for hockey
and Scouts

and even that stupid
dancing stuff.

I'll be there till
no one else is left standing.

I am so proud of you.

Thanks, Dad!

Puke!

What is this,
a Greek freighter?

What's he doin' here?!

Dad was nice enough
to give me the night shift
to help pay for your braces.

So he's gonna be
baby-sitting you.

Why?
What's in it for him?

Well, nothin'.

Do I have to have a reason
to spend a little quality time

with my only grandson?

-Ha ha ha ha!
-Unh! Unh! Unh!

Yeah...

he's a rascal, isn't he?

Heh heh heh heh!

Overseas operator?

I wanna make
a person-to-person call

to the Philippines.

Manila.

Quality time, my butt!

Now, shut up up there!

Lalani?

Hello. Heh heh heh!

Yeah, I saw your picture.

Boy, you sure are
a good-looker.

Ben!

Sarah!

-Hi!
-Hi!

I didn't know
you worked here.

Work here?
I--I own the place.

Oh.

Well, actually,
my-- my father does.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

-Ha ha ha.
-So, um...

can I help you?

Um, actually, yes.

I'm thinking of buying
an exercise machine.

Good for you!
It's good to be healthy.

Hmm.
Not that you're not.

I mean, you're very firm
and supple.

Uh--uh--

Healthy. Firm and healthy.

Anyway, um...

do you know what
you're looking for?

Well, I'm having
a little trouble deciding.

But I think a treadmill.

Good choice.

Very aerobic.

-Here, try one out.
-Oh, can I?

Absolutely. Be my guest.

-Let's just turn it on...
-Okay.

and...whoa!

So, how's Junior?

Well, actually, great.

I've been meaning
to thank you.

Ever since we came
and saw you,

his whole attitude
has changed.

We're doing the activities
that you suggested,

and he loves them.

He can't wait to
go back to cotillion.

And he jumped at the chance...
to join Scouts.

And he's even...playing...

roller hockey.

That's great.

So...

have you decided?

Gee, uh...

I think I'll wait.

Do you have any of those
little deodorant ba*ls
for shoes?

Okay, Helga.
Heh heh heh!

Now, you be sure and say hello
to everybody in Dusseldorf
for me!

Ha ha! Yeah.

Yeah, auf wiedersehen
to you too, baby.

Heh heh heh heh!

Ah, boy.

Ohh, God.

Where's he keep
the good hooch?

-I don't know.
-Yes, you do.

Now, don't you
lie to me, boy.

You lie to me
and I'll tell your daddy

what really happened
to Old Lady Figler!

I'm telling ya,
I don't know!

Ah....

Ha ha!
The closet, eh?

No.

Out of the way, punk!

Nectar of the gods!

Aaaaah!

Hey! Hey! Come on!

Lemme out!

Lemme out!

Lemme out!!!

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!

Let me out!!!

So long, chump.

Ha ha ha!

What are you doing out there,
you little devil?!

-Ha ha ha ha!

Let me out of here!

I hope I didn't
take up too much of your time.

Oh, no, not at all.

I don't work
on commission
anyway.

Uh...

well, um,
here you are.

Your shoes are gonna
smell great.

Not that they don't
already.

I'm sure they smell fine.

Thanks.

And thanks again
for all your help.

Uh, Sarah...

I wonder, if it's not
a breach in professional ethics,

do you think maybe sometime
you might want to
go out to dinner or something?

Oh, gee, Ben!

That's really sweet of you
to ask,

but I just broke up
with this guy

and it's a little soon
for me to be dating again.

Y'know?

Unfortunately, I do.

Thanks for asking.

Good night.

Good night.

-Phlegm!
-Phlim.

That's my woman.

Sarah? But--

You leave her alone,
you hear me?!

Now, hold on!

If you'd like to discuss this
like a mature adult--

She needs me!
And me only!

We're in love, I tell ya!
Love!!!

Oooh!

Keep your mitts off!

Thank you for bringing that
to my attention.

Hey, Dad, how was work?

A little rough.

Where's Big Ben?

I think he went home.

Ohh.

Come on, Junior,
I'll tuck you into bed.

Huh.

Let me out...

let me out!

Ohh...

Oh, my God.

Oh, that little devil.

How the hell
do I get out of here?

No!!!!

Comfy?

-Junior, are you--
-Mr. Healy!

This is the best decision
you've ever made.

A clean mouth
is a happy mouth.

And not one likes rotten teeth,
unless, of course,
they're British.

I hate the British.
They have teeth like wolverines.

They're heinous!

Finally.

Let's get started.

-Nurse Kiki, the gas!

Okay, let's see.

Where the hell is that--

No. No.

Ah.

Look at the funny
Mr. Clowny!

Clowns?!

I hate clowns!

And I'm sure
they hate you, too, kid!

Nuke him.

Noooo...!

Listen up, children.

I have a very special
announcement.

I've just been asked
to direct

the Mortville
Elementary School play.

We will be doing
our original version

of "Peter Pan,"

starring our very own...

Corky McCullum.

Thank you, thank you.

The tryouts are Monday

at three p.m.

And remember,
there are no small parts,

just--

Ohh!

h* h* h* h*!

We will return
after these messages.

Corky!
Great job today!

Thanks.

Hi, I'm Corky McCullum,

actor, dancer,

and the highest-paid
child star in history.

But I'm still a normal kid,

and that's why
I start out every day

with a big, hearty bowl
of delicious...

Krazy Krunch cereal.

And why is it so delicious?

'Cause it has twice the sugar
of the other leading brands
combined.

So get the treat
that's sweet to eat--

Krazy Krunch.
Mmm! Eat some today.

Eat my shorts.

Time's up. You ready for bed?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

Where's your headgear?

Gee, I don't know.
It's around here somewhere.

Well, let's find it.

Dad, can I
ask you something?

Sure.

Well, lately I've kinda
been thinking about...

you know, girls.

Really.

And something
sorta confuses me.

Say no more.

I knew this day would come,
and I'm ready for it.

Mother Nature.

Well, she...
she's quite a lady.

She makes acorns
grown into giant oaks,

she makes the seasons change...

and she turns tadpoles
into frogs.

And...she...

does other things, too.

Now, it's nothing to be nervous
or em--embarrassed about.

Um...

you see, it's all--
it's all very natural.

It's-it's--
it's a beautiful thing

What's beautiful?

Junior, do you remember
when we were at the zoo

and I told you that
the giraffes were playing
piggy-back?

Dad, I've been through
Grandpa's bottom drawer.

I know all about that stuff.

You do?

Well, what do you
want to know?

Why are all dames nuts?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Why are all dames nuts?

That's a good question,
Junior.

That's a very good question.
Why are all dames nuts?

Um, well, uh...

I, uh...

have no idea.

But they always seem to
gravitate to the wrong guy.

Don't I know it.

Hmm.

But hey--

if you ever have a problem
with a girl,

or you just want
someone to talk to,

you come and see me, okay?

And I'll try my very best not
to become a blathering idiot.

I love you, son.

Love you too, Dad.
Good night.

'Night.

Ah...ah...

free!

Oh, thank God I'm free!

Thank you, Natasha.

Tres bien.

Okay, I guess
that about wraps it up.

Hey, wait.

I haven't gone yet.

You...

want to audition?

Yeah.

I've prepared a poem.

How sad.

Okay.

Let's hear it.

Ahem. Ahem.

There once was
a lady from France...

-Stop!
-who did an unusual dance...

She rolled in the grass
and tickled her--

That's enough!
Get off my stage!

Auditions are over.

The role of Peter Pan--
of course--

will be going to Corky.

And Wendy...

will be played by...

Tiffany.

I don't believe it!

The rest of you will play
Peter and Wendy's friends.

Except for Junior Healy,

who will play a weed.

That's if the glare

from his tinsel teeth
doesn't distract the audience.

Sure,
laugh now, Corky,

'cause I'm about to
bring down the curtain
on your love life.

Tiffany, darling!
So glad you could make it!

Wow! Do you really
live here?

Well...on the weekends.

Rupert!
Don't just stand there

like the English fop
that you are!

Get the lady some lemonade!

As you wish, sir.

Good help
is so hard to find.

Come, let me
show you the grounds.

Okay.

I thought since
we'd be working together

we should take the time
to rehearse,

really get under the skin
of Peter and Wendy.

And, in the process,

learn more about each other.

Oh!

Hmm.

I want to play the pain
in Peter.

True, he's a boy,
but he's a lost boy.

And aren't we all?

At the same time,
you can't overlook Hook,

the omniscient
patriarchal symbol.

- You mean the guy
with one arm?
-Yes, dear.

I want to bring
the same truth to this role

that I brought to
Guppy the newsboy

in "Hey, Hey, It's Guppy!"

-I loved that show!
-Who didn't?

I thought that's where
my life really began...

until I met you.

You're so sweet.

That's why audiences love me.
And you will, too.

Your steed, Master Corky.

Ah.

Why don't you watch me

while I make this beast
earn his keep?

Then we'll have brunch
by my private lake.

That sounds swell,
Corky.

Ahem.

My most abject apology.

Hi h*!

Tally h*, sir!

h*, very good!

Excellent, sir!

Excellent!

Stimulating.

Oh, Olympic quality, sir!

Wow, Corky!
I never knew you were
such a good horseback rider!

Yes, my love affair
with the equine

began with
the extensive training
I underwent

for the critically acclaimed
"Guppy Goes West."

It's an expensive habit,
but then again,

most of the things
really worth doing are.

Rupert!
Raise the fences!

Your slightest whim
is my command, sir.

Watch and marvel.

Hi h*, Silver!

Bull's-eye!

Rupert! I'm wet!

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Well, well, well!

And welcome!

And what are we
doing today?

Ah, let's see.

Uh-oh!
Spleen removal!

Aaaah!

Oh, that's Mrs. Gillecky.

That's my two o'clock
appointment.

Oh, sorry. Junior Healy.

You're here to have
your braces tightened!

Don't worry!
This won't hurt a bit!

Unless, of course,
the gas wears off.

In that case,
it's a doozy.

I've seen big, burly Marines

break down and cry
like little babies.

Some of them even fainted!

Look, how many times
do I have to tell ya?

Enunciate.

Doc, your bookie's
on the phone.

Whoo!

Ha ha!

Don't go anywhere!

Like you could!

Oh, boy!
My ship has come in!

Okie-doke!

Let's get back to work!

You and I are gonna be
very good friends.

I'm gonna be dancing

at your wedding!

And you'll still be
wearing braces.

Heh heh heh heh.

Heh heh heh heh heh!

I--I feel--

Ha ha ha ha!

I feel a little
light-headed!

-Ha ha ha!
-Ha ha ha ha!

Oh! Oh, look!

-Ha ha ha ha!
-The--the gas!

The-- Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

Nurse Kiki,
remove my trousers.

Done so soon?

Yep. Couldn't
have gone better.

Okay.

Aaaaah!

Ohhh! I'm gonna get you,

Junior Healy!!!

Look at me, Ben Healy,

I've been doin' this
for seventy years!

That's it, girls,
get those legs
up and down,

shake those tushies
all around.

Hey.

Sarah!

Hi, Ben.

Am I glad to see you.

I wanted to get more of
those deodorant ba*ls.

They're great.

Sure.
Uh...no problem.

-Is something wrong?
-Uh...

No.

Well, um, it's just that

last time you were here

I had a bit of a run-in
with your old boyfriend
Scoutmaster Phlim.

Eugene? Oh!
Did he hit you?

Uh, no...

he just picked me up
and shook me.

Ohh! Ben, I am so sorry.

Eugene has a problem
with jealousy.

Comes from
poor self-esteem.

In kindergarten,
another child had
a deluxe box of crayons

while he only had
burnt auburn.

He's been obsessing
about it ever since.

Well, I think
it's time he got over it,

it's been a few years.

I know.

We tried. And tried.
Until...

well, finally
his insurance ran out.

You know, I just don't see
the two of you together.

Well, we had
a stormy relationship.

I broke it off,
and, well,

ever since then
he's sort of been
stalking me.

But this time
he has gone too far.

I am gonna call him up
and I'm gonna give him
a piece of my mind.

Forget it.
I'm fine.

I mean...
I can handle it.

You're a very brave man.

Well, not really.

But I am carrying
pepper spray.

Oh, Ben.

I've been thinking.

If you still want to
get together sometime,

we could have coffee
or something.

I'd love to hear how
Junior's doing, and...

well, it'd be fun
being with you.

Really?!

Yeah.

Well, great!

Uh, well,
Junior's in a school play
a week from Friday,

would you like to go
with me to that?

-Sure.
-Great!

Oh! Gosh! I'm late
for an appointment.

Whoops.
I better get going.

Uh, do you want me to get
those deodorant ba*ls?

Oh. No. Actually,
I just came by to...

see you.

Bye.

Yes!

Oh!

Ben Healy,

you got the stuff.

Ha ha ha!

Why, Ben.

What a surprise.

I'm warning you...

No, I'm warning you!

Leave her alone!!!

Unhh!

Ha ha ha!

Nice move, spaz!

Hey!

Yeah!

Hey, Blade.

We're playing
Healy's team today.

Awesome.

Where is the little doofus?

-All right. Face off!

Hi, guys.

I'm baaack.

Good luck, Junior!

Go, red, go!

-Dad, Junior's on the blue team.
-I know.

k*ll 'em, red!
k*ll 'em!

Hope your dad
has a good health plan.

Hope your dad knows
a good bone specialist!

I can't look.

Ya sissy!

I'm gonna crush you,
you little sucker!

Not so fast!

Hey, hold it!

-Unhh!

Come on!

This is a better game
than I thought!

Junior... don't test me!

-Hey!
-You're outta here, son!

Who died and made you king?

Blade...

Oh--time out! Time out!

A-ha ha ha ha!

My mask is stuck!

It won't come off!

Aaaah!!!

Yeah!

Aaaah!!!

You're next, Show Boy!

We''re not gonna
start this again, are we?

Well, how do you
expect me to react?

Am I supposed
to be proud?

Two minutes into
your first roller hockey game,

and you've been
banned for life.

You're always telling me
to give it my all.

Well, I'm starting to see
a pattern emerging here,

-and I'm not happy about it.
-Hey, Dad,

hockey's a dangerous sport.

I'm not talking about hockey.

I'm talking about
the way you treat people.

I didn't do nothin' to Blade
and those guys

that they wouldn't
have done to me.

Mm-hmm.

Except they wouldn't have
done it with as much style.

Junior, we are a society
of rules, okay?

What if everyone
just went around
doing whatever they wanted

without any concern
for what their actions
would result in?

Yeah, Dad, I know, I know.

The judge gave me
that whole speech

when he issued
that restraining order.

Well, I guess
none of it sunk in.

How do you think I feel
when people see us coming

and they cross to
the other side of the street?

-Powerful?
-No! Humiliated.

From now on,
things are gonna
be different around here.

We're gonna have
a code of conduct,

and this time
you're gonna abide by it.

-What are you doing?!
-I'm getting out!

You can't just
leap out of a moving car!

Well, anything's better
than listening to this lecture!

You know, I only wish
that my dad was as hard on me
as I am on you.

At least it would have
shown me that he cared
about me.

I don't know if
you've noticed or not,

but your grandpa and I,
we don't have the greatest
relationship in the world.

Well, duh.

When I was growing up,

anything seemed like
it was more important
to him than me,

and I vowed when I got older
and I had a son of my own,

I was gonna be
the absolute best father
that I could be.

And I don't always
hit my mark,

but I sure try,

because I want you
to be a better man.

Well, do you have to
try so hard on the yellin' part?

I'm sorry, son,

but when I see you moving
in the wrong direction,

I'm gonna do whatever it takes
to get you back on track.

You're right, Dad.

Come on.

Let's go get something to eat
at Pizzarific.

All right!

Excuse me.

Psst! Ben?

Is that seat taken?

Oh! No, it's yours.

I mean, I--
I saved it for you.

Uh, I hope you don't mind
meeting me here.

I thought it would be...

safer.

It's okay.

Scoutmaster Phlim
didn't follow you, did he?

Oh, Ben,
don't be ridiculous.

I switched cars.

Well, I don't need these,
then, do I?

No.

That's better.

Oh, thank you.

Do you think they'd mind
if I took a snapshot?

Ladies and gentlemen.

Mortville Elementary School,

in conjunction with
the Duvane Dance Academy

and Krazy Krunch cereal,

proudly present "Peter Pan."

Good day, forest creatures.
What news do you bring?

There's a new boy in town,
and he likes to fly.

Soon he'll come down

from the clouds up high.

But who is this magical boy?

Ahem.

He's a conceited little dweeb

whose parents are
robbing him blind!

Shut up!

Continue!

Look, here he comes now!

Hello, everybody!

Oh, Wendy

It's good to meet you

Oh, babe, 'cause I'm

Your biggest fan

And now

It's time to greet you

- My first name's Peter
- His first name's Peter

- My last name's Pan
- Peter Pan

Oh, Peter Pan

Oh, Peter Pan!

I wonder where
Junior's going?

Maybe he has
a costume change.

Hurry! Someone barfed
in the girls bathroom!

Barfed?! Hold this.
I'm on the way.

Peter Pan

- Peter Pan
-Break a leg, Corky.

Peter Pan

Whoa!!!

Whoa! Oww!

Help!!!

Help!!

Ha ha ha ha!

Junior Healy!!!

Ohh! Ohh!

Corky! Corky!

Ooohh!

What in the hell
do you think you're doing,
you little weed?!

Let go of that now!

-But--
-I said now!!

Okay, but don't say
I didn't warn you.

Aaaaah!

-Ow!
-Ow!

Ohhh...

Now, that's entertainment!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

A-ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Are you sure you had
nothing to do with all that?

Who, me?

Well...

I thought you did
a terrific job.

You were the best weed
I ever saw.

Thanks, lady!

Junior, you don't have to
call her "Lady."

Her name is Sarah.

-And your name is Mud.
-Aaah!

-Eugene?
-I told you
to leave her alone!

-Sarah belongs to me!
-Yeah!

And you stay away from Tiffany.
She's my girl.

Eugene, you keep forgetting.
We broke up!

You'll take me back.
You need me! You love me!

-I told you not to--
-Ah.

-Ooh!
-Now--

let's settle this
once and for all.

Duke and I are
challenging you and Junior

to a test of manhood.

Yeah, a relay race
in tomorrow's
Prairie Dog Scout-O-Rama.

-The winners get the women!
-Now, see here--

I am not some prize
to be won!

Are you two
man enough?

I think I need time to train
for something like that.

Ha ha ha ha!
I knew it!

You got no guts!

He does too!
He's not afraid of anything!

He's the greatest dad
in the world!

Thanks, Junior.

And you're the greatest son
in the world.

We'll take on you
and your lousy race,

and we'll beat your butts!

-You're on!
-You're on!

Could you blow that
a little louder?

I still can hear
out of this ear.

Quiet!!!

Well...

I hope you're ready
to look fear dead in the face

and find out what kind of man
you really are.

First...

there's the gunnysack race.

Then the Prairie Dog
obstacle course.

And finally,
if you make it that far,
the canoe race.

May the better man win.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

You dated this guy?

Good luck, Duke.

This'll be a cinch.

Good luck, Junior.

She talked to me!

She knows my name!

Quick! Think of some
snappy repartee!

Uh...

Once when I sneezed
a piece of corn
came out of my nose.

Bad choice.

Ben...

you don't have to do this.

I want to!
Don't you see?

Sarah,
I know it sounds corny,

but there comes a time
in every guy's life

when he's got to prove
that he's a man.

By running a sack race?

On your mark get set go!!!

Jump, jump, jump...

Come on, come on, come on!
Come on! Ohh!

Jump, jump, jump...

-Permission to speak, sir?
-Granted.

-There's something sticky
in the sack.
-It's just mud.

It doesn't smell like mud.
It smells like--

-Ohh! Ewww!

Did you do something
to their sack?

No, but a cow did!
Ha ha ha ha!

Junior...

Oooh, yuck!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Come on, Dad,
let's get 'em!

Ohh!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Shut up,
you little cry-baby!

No pain, no gai--

Aaaah!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oooohhhh!

Hurry, Dad!
Come on!

Ohh!

Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go!

Come on!

Hurry!

-Ohhh!
-Don't give up on me!

Oww!

Come on, Dad!

-They're coming!
-Follow me!

Arrgghh!

Come on!
Hurry, Dad!

Ooh! Oohh!

Let's go! Hurry!

Come on,
you can do it!
Up and over!

Come on, Ben,
you can do it!

Hand over hand over hand!

Unhh! Oohh!

He's stopping.
Why is he stopping?

-Come on!
-Ha ha ha ha!

Oodle-oodle-oodle!

Loser!

Come on, Dad,
you can do it!

I can't!

I'm slipping!

Yes, you can!

You got no guts!

You got no guts!

You've got no guts.

Yes, I do!!!

- Come on, Dad!

Unhh!

-Oooh!
-You're almost there!

You've done it!
All right!

Hustle, hustle!
Hustle!

Unhh!

Come on, Dad,
they're winning!

Oohhh!

Hop in, boy!

Okay, shove off!
Shove off! Shove off!

I smell victory!

Ha ha ha ha!

Hurry! Hurry!
They're winning!

Row! Row!

Come on, sissy boy!
Put some shoulder into it!

Let's go!

J-stroke, Ben! J-stroke!

Come on, Ben, J-stroke!

Come on, Junior!

Come on, Ben!
That's right!

Good stroke!
Attaboy!

You're doing a great job!

Row! Row! Row!

Faster! Faster!

Daddy, I can't!
I'm tired!

Whine, whine, whine!

Just like your mother!

Come on, Dad,
we're gaining on 'em!

We can do it!
We can win!

Arrgghh!
They're catching up!

Yeah!
Beat that psycho!

Arrghh! Row! Row!

I'm gonna get you!

I don't think so.

Ha ha ha ha!

We're not moving!

Sir, there's something
very wrong here!

Come on, Conchita,
stop skippin' rope,
will ya?

Bring me some damn lunch!
I'm starved!

Ha ha ha ha!

-Aaaah!
-Aaaah!

Well--

I'll try anything once.

Heh heh heh heh heh!

Yeah!!!

-Junior! Yeah!
-Mrreow!

Whoo! Whoo!

-We did it!
-I knew you could, Dad!

Ha ha.

Hey, guys.

What's wrong?

-Get him away!
-Get him away!

Say something.

And this time,
say something right.

-Hi, Tiffany.
-Hi.

You wouldn't want to
dance with me, would you?

Why, Junior Healy,
I thought you'd never ask.

You know, ever since
the first day I saw you

I've always kind of liked you.

-I think you're cute.
-Thanks!

-Do you think I'm cute?
-Of course!

Do you think
I'm the cutest girl in the room?

Well, you're no dog,
that's for sure.

Does my hair shine and bounce
more than anyone else's?

I...don't know.

I'm thirsty.
Get me some punch.

Now!

Everybody says I've got
a peaches-and-cream
complexion.

And perfect bone structure.

Someday I'm gonna be
a fashion model,

or maybe
I'll just be like Mother

and marry a rich old geezer.

Now, they're probably
gonna crown us King and Queen
of the costume ball.

That's 'cause you're with me.

There's no way they would
have picked you otherwise.

Act surprised,
but not too surprised.

And don't do anything stupid.

And when you wave
to the crowd,

keep your hand cupped,

and only wave
three times to each side.

And smile, but not too big--

big smiles wrinkle your face.

-Ooh.

Boys and girls?

Shh! Shh!

On behalf of Lila Duvane,

who unfortunately
cannot talk tonight

because she recently
bit off part of her tongue--

Ewww!

-Gross!
-Yeah.

I would like to announce
the King and Queen of
the costume ball...

Tiffany and Junior!

I don't believe it!

Hey, Tiffany,
you forgot your dress!
Ha ha ha!

Brute!

Girlfriend!
Wait, girlfriend!

This is not my day.

Don't worry, pal.
There's other fish in the sea.

I'm sorry
it didn't work out.

That's all right, Dad. Look at
all the neat stuff I did.

I joined Scouts,
I played hockey,
I was in a play,

and I got to see
that rotten wench's dress
rip off!

Yeah.

Anyway,
you just remember--

I'm here if you need me,
okay?

Thanks, Dad.
You're the greatest.

So are you, son.

Ahem.

May I have this dance?

Uh--

This is not my day.

Hi.

Hi.

Well, there you have it--

Another happy ending.

I got a new girlfriend...

Dad got Sarah...

and Duke, Corky and Blade

learned that sometimes
love hurts.

Well, I guess that
wraps things up,

so until next time
this is Junior Healy saying,

"So long, suckers!"