02x03 - Charlie's Angels

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: Subscribe to my channel
at the end of the video.

Now, let's eat some food.

[chewing]

Boo!

[giggling]

- [stuttering]
- What are you doing back here?

- Sorry.
- I texted you like 15,000 times.

I got worried when
you didn't respond,

I thought maybe you died.

No, no.

I-I-I-I can't use
my phone at work.

And then a bunch of
people, my coworkers,

they caught me
watching Mukbang videos

and now they call me Pornra.

Yeah, I don't understand
all that sexual eating.

- It's not sexual!
- It's not, it's not sexual.

Whatever, anyway
I'm here because

guess who the freak is
in town this weekend?

Gavin DeGraw?!

Why would you say Gavin DeGraw?

Why wouldn't he be in town?

- Well it's Jennifar!
- Uhh..

Jennifar Juuljensen
from high school!

NORA: Oh, cool.

She just finished her
residency in White Plains,

and she's coming
back to the city!

Cool, have fun.

Tell her I said, "Hi."

What?! What do you mean?

We used to have so
much fun, us three!

No, we didn't. No.

Remember when we used to
dress up as Charlie's Angels?

Yeah, and she wouldn't
let me be Lucy Liu.

Are you still mad about that?

NORA: [speaking nonsense]

- Are you?
- Yes!

And, and, and not only that.

It's like her whole, like her
whole, you know, like aura.

- Okay.
- It's toxic! She's toxic.

Look, Doug and I broke up again

and my polycystic ovaries
have mostly subsided

but you never know when
they'll start yelling again.

[sighing]

Please Nora, I just really
need to have some fun.

- Fine.
- [gasps] Yey!

It's gonna be just
like old times!

I get off at six
and you need to go.

♪

♪

[knocking]

NORA: Yes?

Nora, Melanie and
Jennifer are here!

It's Jenni-FAR!

Whatever.

Hi.

Oh my God Nora, it's
so good to see you!

Oh my God, it's been forev!

- It has.
- You look so different and good.

I know, I look amazing.

It feels good too.

Wow, you haven't changed at all!

I changed a little bit.

- JENNIFAR: No, you haven't.
- Yeah.

Your room is exactly as it was

when we were in high school!

So is your head, except
your skin looks different.

There's like more skin but
your skull is the same size.

If that makes any
sense. I love it.

Oh my God, Jennifar,
I cannot believe

you're a real doctor.

I have so many questions.

Like, sometimes when
I eat blueberries

I will see the blueberries
in my dookie pie.

NORA: Oh, and just
to riff off of that.

I have so much
vaginal discharge.

Like, not even like
when I'm making out.

Like it's unprompted and
it feels like I'm swimming.

- Oh.
- NORA: Yeah.

Oh, I sprained my back doing
an unrealistic porn move,

do you think you can
straighten my spine?

Yes, let me show you
a little something

- I learned in chiro class.
- Ooh, Egypt.

Turn around, arms crossed.

- Sounds so fancy.
- JENNIFAR: Okay, ready?

One, two, three.

[popping]

- Oh, I felt it!
- Right?

- Yeah, I did.
- Wow, it's a miracle.

- JENNIFAR: Totally right?
- No, no, no, no, no.

I wanna, I wanna try.

- Get in there girl.
- It's free medicine.

- JENNIFAR: Okay.
- Alright, ready?

Ready? One, two...

[grunting]

- Wow.
- Uh-oh.

Oh? Okay.

NORA: Oh no.

- Yeah.
- Ooh, no.

I'm orgasming.

Why didn't I get one of those?

NORA: [yelling]

- Gross.
- Let's try a double.

- Okay, ready girls?
- One, two...

[groaning]

I know she's faking it.

- Damn, I can never get you.
- No, I know.

You know, because I know...
I know that... I know you.

She knows me.

WALLY: Hey Ma, I'm off to go...

What are you gettin'
so dolled up for?

Ugh, Rosalind's in town.

[chuckling]

Your favorite crazy-rich
cousin from Virginia?

She just called to say
she wanted to drop by

before flying back.

You know she's been in
New York for two weeks

and I haven't heard
from her until now?

She's such a b*tch!

Whoa, Ma, come on,
that's kind of harsh.

Well, that's what she is!

When we were kids in China,
she used to call me squirrel!

And in return, I shaved
her mustache at night

until it grew back very coarse.

Oh wow, I always
wondered about that.

She deserved every hair.

Ma, you go easy on her, alright?

Remember you punched her
throat at Warren's wedding

she couldn't even do her speech.

- You remember that, don't you?
- No.

[sighs] Alright.

Hey, I'm off to a wonderful
magical first weekend

with Brenda.

It's a whole big surprise.

Never mind.

I'll see you later.

And behave, lady.

Whatever.

- Don't forget to wear a rubber.
- WALLY: Ma!

JENNIFAR: Yeah, yeah.

And then, and then,
for the grande finale,

we're gonna hit up the
Au Bon Frackin' Pain

at South Street Seaport!

- Why?
- It's "nostalgia night," b*tch!

We gotta revisit all our
old high school haunts.

Can you believe it's
been like a whole decade?

I know, it is crazy how
much all of us have changed.

For the most part.

But tonight is not about that,

tonight is about bringing
it back to high school.

So okay, we got a surprise.

Ooh.

You're gonna love this.

It's our Charlie's
Angels outfits!!

JENNIFAR: Yes, b*tch,
just like back in the day!

So I'll be Lucy Liu...

I was wondering, Jennifar,
if maybe this time

that we play Charlie's Angels
because after all these years,

I've never played Lucy Liu.

And I was wondering
if this time maybe,

if it's okay with you,
that I could play her,

just because we share

a common Asian-American
heritage.

So you think Jennifar isn't
talented enough to play Asian?

No, no, I never
said that she was...

That had nothing
to do with talent.

- Okay, so that settles it.
- So I'll be Lucy Liu.

With my girl Drew,

Cam'ron D, and Destiny.

MELANIE AND JENNIFAR:
Charlie's Angels, c'mon.

[humming]

♪ Tell me what you
know about me ♪

JENNIFAR: Louder, Nora!

[Destiny's Child singing
"Independent Women Pt 1"]

♪ All the women, who
are independent ♪

♪ Throw your hands up at me

♪ All the honeys,
who making money ♪

♪ Throw your hands up at me

♪ All the mommas,
who profit dollars ♪

♪ Throw your hands up at me

♪ All the ladies,
who truly feel me ♪

♪ Throw your hands up at me

♪ All the women, who
are independent ♪

♪ Throw your hands up at me

♪ All the honeys,
who making money ♪

♪ Throw your hands up at me

♪ All the mommas,
who profit dollars ♪

♪ Throw your hands up at me

♪ All the ladies,
who truly feel me ♪

♪ Throw your hands up at me

♪ Girl I didn't know you
could get down like that ♪

♪ Charlie, how your Angels
get down like that ♪

♪ Girl I didn't know you
could get down like that ♪

♪ Charlie, how your Angels
get down like that ♪

We are hot!

I look more like Owen Wilson
than I do Cameron Diaz.

Selfie.

Who's gonna take it?

Okay, we literally don't
have time for this.

We have 23 stops
tonight. Let's go!

- How many stops?!
- JENNIFAR: 23!

♪

Wait, didn't this used
to be a sushi bar?

NORA: It's a Chinese
restaurant now.

Yeah.

But at least it's like
within the Asian family,

so it's alright.

They don't have sake anymore.

What?! One second.

- [stuttering]
- Don't... don't yell at them!

Don't yell.

I do love the decor though.

Look, that gold cat
is saying, "hi" to me.

Okay, hi.

Okay, b*tches, so
I got the scoop.

So, same owner, same staff,
but now it's Chinese.

Why not?

They are out of
chicken and spoons

but I got this bottle of
rosé and I got this thing,

which looks amazing.

- NORA: Why is it so viscous?
- That looks like hand sanitizer?

Who cares? Let's drink!

JENNIFAR: Come on, Nora,
we have to do sake bombs.

It's tradition, girlie.

- MELANIE: It is.
- Okay.

Okay, so.

- It's been so long.
- I know.

So, chopsticks.

Shot glass.

Eye contact.

Or bad sex for seven years.

- Ready?!
- Yeah.

GIRLS: Sake, sake, sake b*mb!

[giggling]

Mmmm.

It really... it's
like a smoothie.

Yeah, it's so good. I love it.

MELANIE: It tastes just
like the Alize and Hypnotiq

drinks we used to make!

Oh my God, Mel, stop,
you are so funny!

You've always been
the funny one!

Yeah. I've been funny
at certain times.

No, when I think
about Mel though

I'm like always laughing,
laughing, laughing.

- But you're funny too, for sure.
- Yeah.

JENNIFAR: Like in a quirky way.

Well...

This place honestly isn't
as crazy as it used to be.

No, it's at pretty much
the same level of tame.

I don't know, it
kind of bums me out.

It's buzzkill vibes.
You know what, let's go.

Let's go! We got the sake bombs.

- Let's go...
- NORA: Okay.

And get the best hot
dog in New York City.

ALL: Gray's Papaya!

NORA: I'm down
for Gray's Papaya.

I am down for Gray's Papaya.

- JENNIFAR: Alright, cheers.
- Let's drink.

Cheers, cheers, guys.

♪

[knocking]

GRANDMA: Oh, Rosalind!

Songshu, so good to see you!

Still calling me Squirrel
after all these years?

Look at this place,
so lovely and cute.

Has it always been this small?

[chuckling]

It's quaint.

You know us, we live simply,

not extravagantly like you!

Aiyah.

[speaking in Mandarin]

Well, you are lucky you have a
lip sweater to keep you warm.

Would you like some
house slippers?

If you don't mind,
I brought my own.

I don't do public slippers.

♪

Ugh, this isn't
Gray's Papaya anymore.

It's gone too.

- Wow, it's crazy.
- Everything's so different.

Oh, what in the actual
f*ck is this sh*t?!

- MELANIE: Oh, no. Oh no.
- JENNIFAR: Babe.

Oh. Oh, no. Oh!

What the sh*t is this?!

What kind of pineapple is that?!

Oh my God.

Woah, woah, woah, woah!

Where's the grill?!

We boil everything in
apple cider vinegar.

Oh, you boil everything
in apple cider vinegar?

Oh really? Do the hot dogs
have a yeast infection?

It's actually healthier
than grilling.

- It's actually disgusting!
- Look at this.

Girthy mutant flesh dogs

that... [sniffs]...
smells like a fart cloud!

Wait a second.

Are you grating a jicama?!

You guys have
sodomized my childhood,

you skin shitters!

Why don't you build
a Williams Sonoma

in the place where I was born?!

Nora, Nora, don't freak out.

I mean, it's still
a hot dog place.

Actually, we're a
sausage dispensary...

- Shut up!
- A what?!

Alright Nora, I have something
that's gonna cheer you up, girl.

I have an answer to the problem.

I have something that is
gonna take us right back

to high school. You ready?

Come with me, girlies.
Let's go, b*tches.

- I know where you...
- Where you live.

- JENNIFAR: Nora, pivot.
- Come on girls.

- NORA: Where are we going?!
- An NYU party?

JENNIFAR: Yes!

The hot sophomore
I've been DM-ing with

said it's going to be "yeet".

Which is a word I just learned.

- I'm out.
- Yeet!

- No, Nora.
- Be yeet, be yeet with us.

- Be yeet.
- Nora.

Do you remember how
much d*ck and blow

we used to get at these things?

I never got d*ck and
blow at these parties.

- You didn't?
- MAN: Sup?

What are you ladies
dressed up as?

Charlie's Angels, duh.

Which one of you
is Kristen Stewart?

Oh no, we're the
original angels!

- Like the blockbuster hit.
- JENNIFER: Right.

The film from the past.

MELANIE: I'm Drew Barrymore.

Three women fighting.

- It grossed a lot of money.
- Saving the world.

Well, well, well.

The CCK, cool kids corner, huh?

Well... [stuttering]... what
do we got going on over here?

- Meth or?
- [chuckling] It's a dab.

What's a dab?

It's f*cking strong
is what it is.

Strong?

Oh dudes, I can outsmoke
anyone of you m*therf*ckers,

especially you. Little
Timothée Chalamet vibe.

Well, let's go. Load
that, load it, load her...

- That one's ready if you want.
- Okay. [Stuttering]

Little rig here.

Wow, look at that, my body type.

Oh, little mouthpiece there.

And what's, what
is that? Oh, ow.

Okay, yeah, right, that's
where the torch went. Right.

And then we're gonna...
just gonna inhale?

MAN: Yeah, yeah, I got you.

[bubbling]

[coughing]

I need water. Wait a second.

♪

Mmm, this is divine.

Is it Alishan high mountain
oolong tea from Taiwan?

It's Lipton.

Lovely!

So where is Nora?

Oh, she's out with her high
school friends tonight.

You let her run around
wild in this city, hm?

So, what does she
do for work again?

Oh, she works in sales.

Oh good.

I always thought she'd end
up working in a drug store,

or maybe have an unplanned baby.

Good to know she's
figured it out.

Did I tell you about
my grandson, Eugene?

He just turned 21, already
made partner at McKinsey!

Can you believe little Jocelyn

is now Managing
Director at Barclay's?

I see she still enjoys
her Danish cookies!

Does Nora still enjoy
her ill*gal marijuana?

About as much as Jocelyn
enjoys her one eyebrow.

I see what this is!

You brought me here to upset me.

This is exactly why I
dreaded even calling you.

You are jealous,
jealous of my life.

That's what you think, Rosalind!

Just because I
married a taxi driver

and raised my
children in the city

and don't have tattoo lip liner,

doesn't mean I'm
jealous of your life.

And if you put my
granddaughter down again,

I'll shave your mustache
in your sleep again

just like old times!

You wench!

[grunting]

You know what?

I will not stoop to
your pathetic level.

Eugene is coming to pick me up

and bring me to the airport.

Well, go ahead, you wench!

I said wench first!

- I love the government.
- I think it's so good.

NORA: Hey, guys.

What is dingalinging, folks?

JENNIFAR: How you doing?

I'm good, man.

I feel like I'm on
bath salts, dude.

- Right?
- JENNIFAR: Yeah, totally.

We are having the best time
talking politics with Kale.

Oh, like the salad?

- No, no, no.
- It's Kyle, for the third time.

- Kyle.
- Kyle.

- Thank you. Anyways.
- JENNIFAR: Loving that.

New York's at its
peak right now,

ya know what I'm sayin'?

Like could you imagine even
being here ten years ago?

It was a sh*thole.

I'm sorry, say that again?

I bet you're like a
native New Yorker, right?

I mean it's like, yeah,
everyone hates G*ntrification

but no one... no one wants to
talk about the dips in crime,

the reversal of broken
window policies.

JENNIFAR: Yes.

You know how much money we pump

- into your city for your water?
- Oh hell no.

- Go off, woman.
- Hell no!

No, no.

You think you can talk
sh*t about this city?

You didn't grow up here!

You don't know how rent-gouging

is k*lling neighborhoods,
forcing communities out.

So you can keep your
fake a*s boiled hot dogs

but you don't you ever talk
sh*t about my city again

because you'll never
know it like we do.

Honestly, I kinda
agree with Kale.

New York was a sh*thole.

It's much better now.

Are you f*cking
serious, Jennifar?

I'm just saying.

I have a unique perspective
on the situation

because I've been
gone a few years

because I went to med school
'cause I'm a doctor legally.

You guys have just been
here the whole time.

- You're like townies, kind of.
- Uh!

Oh, in the throat!

Jennifar is not a
real f*cking name.

NORA: Call Cellino &
Barnes, we gotta go.

Kale, Kale, Kale.

♪

Rosalind, why are
you still here?

I'm just trying to
figure out my ride.

Eugene's not coming?

Eugene said it's earnings
season, they're too busy.

Too busy to see their Nai
Nai who they haven't seen

for four years?

Come on, I'll drive
you to the airport.

No.

You don't trust
Squirrel to drive?

- Come on.
- Fine.

- Okay, wench.
- Songshu.

GRANDMA: I drive very good

if I can see above
the dashboard.

Remember that time you punched
Jennifar in the throat?

[giggling]

I made that b*tch
sound like Donald Duck.

Little bit. Yeah.

Do you think maybe
she's right? I mean

the city's changed
but we haven't.

Melanie, look around you.

New York never really changes.

You know?

Let's make one more stop.

- You're not gonna regret it.
- [unintelligible]

Better.

Remember when that bodega
cat followed us here?

NORA: Yes, we were
feeding it pretzels

and then we fed it that
chocolate dipped one

and it died right there.

Why are so many people
saying New York is dead?

I have a ton of friends
who are leaving the city.

They're going to like,
LA, Austin, West Virginia.

- West Virginia?
- It's the mountains.

Yeah, yeah, like that song.

- Right?
- Yeah.

I just don't wanna
be a townie, Nora.

We're not townies.

We're New Yorkers, you know.

[stuttering]

We like, live here and
die here, you know.

And we can't let all the
Kales come up in here

and build a Talbot's.

You're right.

You remember earlier when
I had a full-blown orgasm?

As a result, my toes
are spread like starfish

and I feel like
they're stuck that way.

MELANIE: Okay,
you made it weird.

NORA: No, I didn't.

It's been very uncomfortable,
especially when I'm forced

to wear heels.

Okay.

[door squeaking]

Hey, you're back!

What are you doing
up, it's like 4 a.m.?

Oh, I just got back from
taking Rosalind to the airport.

- Uh-huh.
- And...

Oh, what's that for?

Oh, just for being you.

And for being there always.

You too.

So, did you have a good
night with your friends?

Umm, yeah, it was alright.

So did Jennifar at least let
you be Lucy Liu this time?

No, I was Cameron Diaz.

But that's okay.
I don't mind that.

I like that scene
where she got the semen

all over her hair.

- That's not Charlie's Angels.
- That happened in...

But yeah, no, that was good.

- What you got on your pants?
- It's not, it's just leather.

- They're pleather.
- Pleather?

Yeah, but what's
making 'em stiff?

Is that semen? Did you get semen

- all over your pants?
- NORA: No, I don't.

♪

Who the [bleep] is Awkwafina?

♪

♪ MTV