02x04 - Edmund's Back

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

Hey, watch where
you're going, man.

Oh, your a*s.

[♪]

[indistinct mumbling]

[knocking at door]

[♪]

Edmund.

[crying] E-e-e-e-e-e.

Can you cry with any
other vowel, please?

- [sobs] O-o-o-o-o-o.
- No, no, no, no.

[♪]

[font color=#FF00FF]*AWKWAFINA IS
NORA FROM QUEENS*[/font]

[font color=#00FF00]Season 02 Episode 04[/font]

Okay, alright. Look, I'm
sorry, let me get this straight.

You got fired because of what?

A court summons?

Oh, sh*t.
Is this...

Yes, my mother has been
indicted in the college

admissions scandal for
extortion and bribery.

What?

I got into Stanford solely
because she bribed the fencing

coach into admitting me on
"an athletic scholarship."

For what sport?

- Fencing, I said!
- Oh.

And I was actually passionate
and good at it for 11 years.

Okay, but you still
went to Stanford, right?

You still got a
Stanford education.

Nora, I can show my face
in Silicon Valley again.

My life is meaningless.

[sobs]

Are you smiling right now?

No, this is not a smile.

I'm just airing my teeth out.

It's just that I've always
been a little jealous of you.

Not jealous of the tail, which,
you know, I have gripped.

I have done one of those.

But then you became such an
accomplished, awesome person.

And now seeing just how sh*t you
are and everything is for you,

it's comforting.

I'm glad that my demise and
anatomy

bring you inner peace, Nora.

Yeah.

My mind went to
some dark places.

I thought about all the
bullshit and all the posturing.

Like nothing I did in tech
actually benefited humanity.

Yeah.

I mean, maybe this
is my wakeup call,

maybe this is the universe
telling me, "Edmund,

"give back to the world
you took so much from.

Give back!"

I know it'll be hard, but
it's what I have to do.

- Ah, man, that's so beautiful.
- I'm so proud of you.

What are we talking about?
Like nonprofit work?

Charity work?

Acting.

Ooh.

[♪]

[grunting]

- [phone ringing]
- Huh?

[heavy breathing]

[ringing continues]

[groans]

Damon, what is it?

Wally man, hey. Listen, I got
some bad news.

I'm not sure if I
should tell you this,

but it felt like the right
thing to do, you know?

Are you familiar
with the dating app?

- Friiiingr?
- What? Finger?

Fr-iiiingr. Friiiingr.

Although it's
ironic you say that,

because it's how my last date
ended, if you know what I mean.

Damon, what's up?

Well, long story
short, bucareeno,

I was swiping through
yesterday and, uh... well,

why don't you take
a look for yourself? Hmm?

What the f*ck?

Yeah, I'm sorry, Wall Man.

- But I took some screenshots.
- No!

- I'm gonna send them to you.
- I gotta go, Damon, bye.

[sighs]

[phone dings]

[♪]

[heavy breathing]

[crash]

[grunting]

Urgh! My back!

Ow!

[♪]

Acting? I mean, in this
economy?

Not now, then when?

Maybe after you secure
a stable day job? I don't know.

Oh God. I sound like everyone
talking to me.

[phone ringing]

Oh, here we go,
my mom is calling.

Hello, Mother. Barry?

Hey, kiddo,
you're looking good.

You too, Barry.

I see the Cialis has yet to
give you stroke number two.

Edmund, why are
you in New York?

- You need to get back here now.
- Why?

So I can testify at your
bribery and extortion trial,

you demon woman?

Edmund, I know you're upset.

- I never meant to hurt you.
- No, Mother, I'm done.

I've had no control over my life
from the second I was born.

Do you know what that's like?

For the first time, I'm doing
something that I want to do.

If I could just cut in, I
fully support you on your acting

journey, son.

Can you shut the
f*ck up for once Barry?

Yes, Barry, please stop.

BARRY: I'm just
trying to help.

Where's Dad?

KIM: He's still on business
in the Macau,

but I've emailed
him several times.

On business, great.

Well, goodbye, Mother.

- Edmund!
- [phone beeps]

- That went so good, I think.
- Yeah.

Yeah. You know what?

While I don't think it's the
best alternative, Edmund,

I-I will support
you on your journey.

Thanks, Nora.

Because I think I may need
to crash here for a bit.

Yeah, I think Grandma's fully
prepared to make that downstairs

couch all for you.

I thought maybe we could
bunk up together in your room.

Probably not.

Because we can tell nighttime
stories,

- or sings songs.
- No.

Or, um, when it's cold,
we can sneak hot cocoa together.

- Or we could get a bunkbed.
- I masturbate so loud.

Oooh. Yeah.

[phone ringing]

Decline.

Oh no, here...

- Wally, where have you been?
- I've been texting.

You know, I'm kind
of busy right now.

Is someone
walking on your back?

I gotta go. Bye.

- Oh...
- [phone beeps]

You should talk to Brenda
first before freaking out.

Maybe there's a reason
she was on a dating app.

What reason could
there be except for the...

- Uh!
- [groaning]

Okay, enough.

I can't walk any further or
I'll compromise your pubis.

You know who you should see?

Susan Lee.

I don't need
an acupuncturist.

Listen to me, my friend Mei
went to her

because of stomach problems.

Turns out, at 72,
she was pregnant.

Pregnant with a tumor.

And today, Mei is still here
in Cedar Grove Cemetery.

She died?

Yeah, but Susan
is still very good.

[♪]

[groan]

[soothing music plays]

- SUSAN ON INTERCOM: Wally Lin?
- Huh?

Uh, yes, it's me.

SUSAN: You may enter.

[groans]

Oh, whoa.

I'm not used to having such
gorgeous patients come in.

Oh, ow. Thanks.

- Please disrobe.
- Okay.

I'll leave the room.

Even though I don't want to.

I can see the problem
is in your back.

Yeah, I tweaked it earlier.

Oh, Wally, you
haven't changed a bit.

You're still working out, I see.

Yeah.

Do we know each other?

We went to high
school together.

You may not remember me.

I wasn't "normal."

What?

The problem with your
back isn't structural.

Your chakras are off.

No kidding.

Just like when you broke up
with Monica Santos

in tenth grade.

There's trouble
in your love life.

What's her name?

Oh.

- Brenda.
- Okay.

I need you to close your
eyes and think about Brenda.

[heavy breathing]

[banging]

Alright, okay.

- It's secure.
- Okay.

What are we doing? What even
is a self-tape?

It's like an audition,
but you do it from home.

And instead of doing 1
take, you do like 26.

And then after you're done,
you send in your favorite one.

And then, "Hello, the CW."

Yeah, but these rules
are super intense, dude.

- They wanna sh**t you horizontal?
- Yeah.

- What's that mean?
- Landscape mode.

- I don't think we should do it.
- Nora.

A monkey could do this.

[♪]

- Am I in?
- You're so on that side.

- Frame up that way.
- Okay.

- Yup, you ready?
- Yeah.

'Cause you need
to go left more.

- I'm out?
- You're totally out.

- I'm in?
- Yeah, you're in.

- What's my range of motion?
- That.

If you can't control
that... [screams]

Yeah.

[♪]

- If you can't handle that...
- No, sorry, I was on photo.

Alright, here we go.

If you can't control that...

Oh my, it looks
so bad on video now.

It's like a whole
different lens.

What do you mean?

[♪]

If you can't control
that b*tch, I will.

[in Australian accent] If you
can't handle the b*tch, I will.

[in Scottish accent] If you
can't control the b*tch, I will.

If you can't control
that b*tch, I will.

If you can't control
that b*tch, I will.

I felt that.

If you can't control
that b*tch... I will.

Mm-hmm. Cut on rehearsal,
that was so good.

- You weren't recording?
- No.

No, I wasn't recording those.

[screams]

[♪]

Just breathe and
let me do all the work.

Okay.

SUSAN: I'm gonna put
it in now, Wally.

Oooh.

[♪]

[♪]

- We're done.
- We're done.

Huh? What?

You're gonna feel
a lot better today.

Whoa. Wow.

Oh, what... I already do.

Thanks.

[♪]

Okay, we are
really doing this.

We are really doing this.
An open audition.

That's alright, here,
have some Vitamin Water.

It's got vitamins and
Emergen-C in it.

This is not
Vitamin Water, Nora.

It's Mountain Dew. Duh.

What else would I
put in a thermos?

What did I do to die today to
make it to two 'til two.

- Things...
- NORA: Oh man.

There are three actors
that look just like you.

And they're all hot.

EDMUND: Oh God,
oh God, oh God!

NORA: Yeah.

No, drink normal.

- Ed Lin?
- Present!

- Ed?
- Yeah, it's my stage name.

Doesn't it make me
sound more mature?

- Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
- It sounds like sh*t, Edmund.

sh*t name, dude.

Okay, please state your name.

Ed Lin, 5'8",


I am reading for Jonathan.

Great, ready when you are.

I'm ready.

Connor: Ah, man, there you
go, smack talking us again.

Chloe: Don't be afraid to take
home your second place trophy,

boys. Didn't you leave them here
last time?

Yeah. Pft, like in my aa-ss.

That was great,
Ed, but this time,

can you do that with a little
less crescendo

- on the "aa" part of a*s?
- Yes.

"Aa" -absolutely.

Thanks.

And... action.

[farts]

That was a cloud.

That was... that was the weather.

[♪]

[laughing]

Excuse me, you know
Brenda is a dumbass b*tch?

[chimes sounding]

[laughs] Sorry, what?

Do you know where
the seven stop is?

Thanks.

[laughs]

The best piece in the
chicken, this right here.

Can't be the right place.

It's the right place.

You want some chicken?

Ew no-oh, I'll take a little.

Take a little
bit... skin while it's hot.

Hey.

Hi.

Is this for the audition?

Yeah, it's for
Jurassic Park, internally.

[laughs] You still in?

Yeah.

- Yeah.
- [laughs]

I'll be right
here, I'm not moving.

I will not leave your side.

[♪]

Come on over
here, hit your mark.

Okay, so there's, uh,
something in front of you.

I think it's an egg.

You're gonna pick it up.

You're gonna kiss it.

And then roll it off stage left.

Perfect, perfect.

Oh, and now there's a little
Limusaurus Rex standing

directly in front of you.

You approach it in wonder.

Pick it up.

Hold it. Hold it.

Hold it.

Now you're gonna f*ck it.

Sorry, excuse me?

I mean, you're gonna
kiss it on the cheek.

- [watch dings]
- Oh, sorry.

Oh my God, I just
got a callback!

Wait, you still
wanna f*ck it?

So I'm gonna go.

[knocking at door]

[knocking continues]

Oh, yeah.

Alright!

[knocking continues]

Hey!

I've been calling, and
no one's answering,

so I wanted to make sure
everything was okay.

Oh yeah, everything's swell.

What's going on?

Is there something
you're not telling me?

That's funny, because I
was thinking that there was

something you're not telling me.

Damon found your
Friiiingr profile.

Oh my gosh. [laughs]

What was I thinking with those
highlights, am I right?

[laughs]

So this is funny to you?

Oh, come on, Wally, I haven't
been on that app in months.

So why does it say
"status active," huh?

I don't know.

I must have deleted the
app but not my account.

I'm just saying...

if you wanna go out with
other people, that's fine.

I don't.

Do you?

Is that what this is all about?

Why would you
even ask me that?

I'm not the one trawling
the internet for guys.

- Trawling?
- Mm.

Like a shrimp boat?

You're saying I'm a shrimp boat?

If the shoe fits, Bubba Gump.

You know what?

I'm gonna go.

Good, yeah.

Go.

Fine.

- Goodby...
- [back cracks]

Oh, no, f*ck.

[groans]

[sighs]

Who needs Brenda?

[♪]

Oh!

[♪]

Hi, Wally.

[♪]

[heavy breathing]

It isn't even on.

What the f*ck did that
acupuncturist do to me?

Ahh!

Oh-h*-h*, for me?

Free?

Wow, yes, take that.

Legit, dude.
[sniffs] Yeah.

I know, right?

I don't even know what
audition I booked this from.

- I did so many.
- It's your time, dude.

- Break a leg. I'll be in the car.
- Okay, thanks for doing this.

Couldn't have done
it without you.

- Hey, are you Edmund Lin?
- Yes, that's me.

- Right this way.
- Wait a minute.

I've only been
auditioning under Ed Lin.

How do you know
my name is Edmund?

Oh, uh, I don't know.

It says here Edmund Lin.

And in the notes it says,
"Favor hire for mother.

Don't tell him."

Are you F-ing kidding me!

[♪]

KIM: Edmund,
what's the big deal?

I just made a few calls.

No, I said I wanted to
make it without your help!

- KIM: Honey, I'm your mother.
- No, mother!

I finally realized that I would
rather get a wine opener stuck

in my butthole than ever
depend on you again.

From this day forward, I am
cutting myself

off of your money... effective
immediately.

- Goodbye.
- [phone beeps]

You gotta call her back, tell
her you think

that's a lot of money.

Continue getting the money
and just send it to me!

No! I am going
to do this for myself

without her or any help.

Oh my God, did I just
make a huge mistake?

Definitely, because nepotism
is a big way into Hollywood.

But then also, starting over
no money, connections,

no prospects.

It's bold and admirable.

Thank you.

Even if it means I have to do
a million sketchy auditions,

at least I'll know I
made it... on my own.

- [singing]
- No.

Yeah, I'll work on it.

[groaning] Oh God, it's you.

Your mom called and
said your back seized up.

I just came to check on you.

I know you roofied me with
your devil needles to make me

have weird fantasies about you.

But it won't work.

I know what I want now.

- Oh, you do?
- Mm-hmm.

What do you want?

I want Brenda.

[♪]

- Brenda?
- Wally, have you been du-du-du?

What are you doing here?

I just told you.

Your mom called, told
me your back seized up,

and I came by to check on you.

Oh God, I'm sorry.

I freaked out about
you being on Friiiingr.

I just got so jealous.

[sighs] Well, I get it.

- Because I'm awesome.
- [scoffs]

Yeah, you are.

You're alright, dollface.

You're alright,
too, man face.

- No, I'm a dumbass. Hey.
- Yeah.

My back doesn't hurt anymore.

'Cause I slipped
you some aspirin.

You know aspirin works just
as well as acupuncture.

Oh, really?

That's so embarrassing
that my mom called you.

No, she's just really
worried about you.

Yeah, I'll tell
you one thing.

- She's always looking out for me.
- Mm-hmm.

[♪]

Hey, Nora?

What, Edmund?

It's normal to
be... scared, right?

Yeah.

I'd say that's normal.

[♪]

[TV indistinct wrestling]

NORA: [mumbling]

- Nora!
- NORA: [mumbling]

- Nora!
- No, the '90s.

- Nora!
- Yeah. What, yeah?

Sorry, can you
turn that down?

Turn what down?

The wrestling or whatever.

That's what you heard?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll put it
through my phones.

[♪]

Thanks, Nora.

[TV indistinct wrestling]

- Nora!
- NORA: [mumbling]

[sighs]

[TV indistinct chatter]

I can still hear it.

[♪]

Who the
[bleep] is Awkwafina?

[♪]

♪ MTV