Meet the Deedles (1998)

[bunniefuu]

[♪ Dance Hall Crashers: Lady Luck]

- You cut the wrong plant.
- What you talking about?

- You told me cut this one.
- It is wrong.

- You're fired.
- You can't fire me.

No! Go home!

Today is school day.
No kidnap.

Twins cannot party.

[all shout]

Come on, it's your birthday, Stew.
Wake up.

Wake up.

What's up, dude?

- Come on, get out of bed.
- What?

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday, Deedle!

Whoo-hoo!

- Happy birthday to us, bro.
- That's right, big 18.

- Fully legal.
- Fully legal and living regal.

[Phil]
Just another school day in paradise.

[kids shout]

You ditched school
for the last time, Deedles.

Whoo-hoo!

- We should have birthdays more often.
- Indeed.

[siren wails]

Heinous. It's Captain Hooky.

It's the primo party pooper.

- What do we do?
- [Stew] Ditch him.

Yeah, ditch Captain Hooky.

People, pull over.

What? Look, he's charging.

I said, pull this thing over.

- He's got him fully locked on.
- Let's bail for the beach.

- [Phil] Party's over.
- [Stew] Sorry, boss.

Nice try, Deedles!

No way. Singled out.

- Can't shake him.
- We'll never reach the beach.

- What do you say, no escape?
- No surrender.

[Phil] You want us? You got us.

[both] Banzai!

k*ller dismount.

Deedles!

[phone] I know how much
you've donated to the school,

but you knew your sons
couldn't miss any more classes.

They knew they couldn't miss
any more classes,

and I'm sorry, Mr Deedle,
but I have no other choice.

- All right.
- I'm very sorry.

Thank you.

[phone slams]

- Principal Hamm says you're expelled.
- [Stew] What?

It's not our fault.
We got kidnapped.

Why can't we get a birthday off
like everyone else?

- Who's everyone else?
- Washington, Lincoln...

Martin Luther King.
The baby Jesus, Dad.

This is all my fault, isn't it?

I did this to you boys by giving you
everything you ever wanted.

- I never did get that pony.
- Things are going to be different.

Today you're 18 years old.
This is reality time.

You are the heirs to my legacy.

You, one day, will take over
the entire Deedles empire.

And you are surf bums!

With no plan for higher education,
no chance of survival on your own.

Therefore, as your father,

you leave me no choice.

You two are going to camp.

- Camp?
- That's right, camp.

As it happens, I remember
an old 'Nam buddy of mine, Ed Flower.

He runs a camp for boys your age.

You go there for a month,
you come back men.

You come back Deedles.

- A month at some camp?
- Now, a few more requests.

When you go to that camp,
I want you to behave,

I want you to work hard.
I want you to impress Major Flower.

So, when you
get on that plane tomorrow,

you're gonna wear suits.

"Camp Broken Spirit"?

That's right, boy.
Camp Broken Spirit.

Just outside Yellowstone.

Yellowstone, Wyoming?

Wyoming's on Molokai, right?

Wyoming's not in Hawaii, bro. It's...

...on the mainland.

[both scream]

[intercom] It's currently 35 degrees
with snow showers,

so bundle up
and enjoy your stay in Wyoming.

Stew, man, we've landed in a Slurpee.

Easy, bro. We're covered.

- [Stew] Good thing we wore suits.
- [Phil] No doubt.

Keep your peeps peeled
for the Flower bud's mug.

We're supposed to meet him out front
at high noon.

Noon? That's like, in four hours.

- Phil, did you change your watch?
- What?

- I like this watch.
- We're in a different time zone.

Bro, time is what you make it.

- Right now, I'm making it...
- Da kine Hula time!

A shot of guava, some k*ller OJ.

A little jugo de piña.

Add a dash of artificial sweetener...
Bam! Bam!

One Ricola.

One Mentos. The Freshmaker.

Add fire...

...tropical themed accoutrements,

- and you got... hulas.
- Hulas.

- I'll meet you at the counter.
- I'm coming.

Man, look at all the... nothing.

It's supposed to be big-time scenic.
Beauty everywhere you look.

Then don't look now.

Yow. Somebody sure got whacked
with the ugly stick.

[imitates intercom] Mr Bigfoot.
Mr Sasquatch D Bigfoot.

Please pick up
a white courtesy phone.

Major nightmare.

[backfires]

Whoa!

A Bullwinkle.

Look, a Bambi.

And a dead Pepe le Pew.

Too cool. This is like watching
a nature show on television.

- Or in this case, "smellavision."
- What was that?

- What was what?
- Think I can't hear you?

I'm a mountain man.
I can hear the wind shift,

a leaf sprout,
a fish fart under a waterfall.

- One thing I cannot stand is...
- Bathing?

You got a lot of nerve.

No, you got a lot of nerve.
You're a major fraud.

What's with the fancy flyer,
clean mug shot,

and shiny minivan full of happy,
smiling kids? You're a scammeister.

You fully hoodwinked
our unhoodwinkable dad.

Who I am emailing
the nanosecond we get to Camp BS.

Oh, yeah? That could be tricky.
There's no Camp Broken Spirit any more.

- What?
- I lost it. Last month.

I lost it to the dang parents
and their scumbag lawyers.

I don't need a camp
for what I've planned for you.

- Which would be?
- Survival training!

Roughing it!
One on one with the elements!

The bare necessities!
The things you need to stay alive!

Food, clothing and shelter.

First, clothing.
We'll have to trap something with fur.

A bear's good.
You can make the whole outfit.

But even a skinny squirrel
makes a fine fur jock strap.

- That makes sense.
- Squirrels hide nuts.

Thank you. I'll be here all week.

I'm sick and tired of your guff.

You have anything else to say, say it!
If you don't, shut up!

- I've got something to say.
- What?

Turn.

[all scream]

[birdsong]

Mo!

Guess what was waiting
at the PO box?

- From Yellowstone?
- We're ranger recruits.

- They want us to start right away.
- This calls for a celebration.

Come on, I've got two jars of sun tea
warming at the bottom of the spring.

Yellowstone, here we come!

[all scream]

[both giggle]

[both scream]

[all scream]

[all scream]

Rats.

I screwed up again.

Frosticular.

Man, I k*lled them.

Lawyers.

If you can't find me,
you can't fry me! [laughs manically]

- What about the major? Think he's dead?
- Flower? He'll outlive the c*ck.

What do we do now?
I don't know how to skin a squirrel.

Relax, nutbrain.
We don't need survival training.

We survived this, didn't we?

All we gotta do is find dry duds.

And a fire.

[both laugh]

OK, we're lost in Wyoming
wearing chicks' clothes,

and I'm whipping up
one wicked wedgie.

We're back in biz, bud.
Now what?

Simple. Fly home,
tell Dad what happened,

mix a Hula, hit the beach.

Dude, it's a good thing
you packed the jammers.

- Sure beats hitchhiking.
- Yeah, hitchhiking's dangerous.

Let's go, dude.
Ripping it up.

Come on, bro.

Whoo!

[both] Land luge!

- Whoo-hoo!
- Yeah!

Yeah!

Come on, man!

Whoa!

Weed whacker.

Yeah.

[car horn blares]

- [Phil] Sure the airport's this way?
- [Stew] Who wears the glasses here?

[man whistles]

- Curvaceous.
- Sidebar!

Whoo!

[both laugh]

Whoo-hoo!

Lean!

- [horn blares]
- [both scream]

Oh, no!

[elephant trumpets]

Maybe we should stop.

Stopping requires brakes, Phil.

Yeah.

[growls]

Otto...

[speaks German]

Whoa! Gridlock!

Face plant.

k*ller dismount.

[both groan]

[crash]

HQ, this is Captain Pine.

Get an ambulance
to the East Gate, pronto.

See if they've got any ID.

Captain.

This says, "Mel".

This says, "Mo".

Great. These are my new recruits.

[groans]

Stew!

Hey, Stew man!

Cool. We're alive. [groans]

- My head.
- Yeah.

We've died
and come back mummies.

[Phil] Whoo!

And, dude, we're nude, nude, nude.
Totally nude.

Who did this to us?

My, my, look who's awake.

You two rookies took quite a spill.

But don't worry.
There is not a nick on you.

And you know I looked.

- Can I be more embarrassed?
- I hand-washed your panties.

- Yes, I can.
- Lady Eve All-Cotton Hipsters.

Me too, hon.
It'll be our secret.

Man! I told you if we wore them
we'd get into an accident.

- We had no choice. Ours were soaked.
- I'll give you soaked, you gremmie.

Ah-ah-ah!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Boys, stop! Now!

Mel and Mo...

I am sure you two
don't want to be acting like this

if you expect to make Ranger.

So, why don't you two rookies
just kick back

and chill out?

Hear that?
Chopper coming in.

Now that you are up, the lieutenant
will want to show you around.

And, if you are smart,
you will behave,

since, unlike me,
Lieutenant Ryan will not take your lip.

Good.

Bro, did you get all that?
They think we're this Mel and Mo.

They think we're Ranger rookies.
Bonus round.

Why "bonus round"?

Because instead of going home to Dad
as Camp BS dropouts,

we can boomerang triumphant
as prestigious uniform-sporting,

badge-flashing Rangers
of the Yellowstone Park Service.

Take it down a thousand. We don't know
squat about park rangering.

And what about the real Mel and Mo?
They're out there somewhere.

[both scream]

[growls]

If they show up and we're them,
they'll pound us.

And don't think they can't.
I've seen their panties.

Good point, but consider this.
Everyone knows we took a header, right?

So if they show,
we can claim amnesia.

When they said we were them,
we bought it.

Amnesia? That is so Gilligan.

What's Gilligan is being a screw-up.
This is a chance to prove ourselves.

Two words, Stew: No.

- But Dad said to show initiative.
- I said no.

- And nothing's gonna change my mind.
- Hi, guys.

I'm Lieutenant Jesse Ryan.

We're your two new recruits.

You're Mel and Mo.
We were all curious about you.

Since your resume said nothing
about sex, we didn't know if Mel and Mo

were gonna be male, female,
or some combination.

I'm 100% male. It's my pal here
who's some combination.

- In your dreams.
- Look who's up and around.

Boys, I'm Captain Pine.
Who's Mel and who's Mo?

- We are sir. I'm Mel.
- And I'm Mel.

- I mean...
- I'm Mo.

We switch back and forth,
since "Mel" and "Mo" are just nicknames,

like "Jesse" is short for "Jessica".

And Captain Pine
is short for Captain Pine.

What are Mel and Mo short for?

Phil and Stew... Deedle.

Reporting for rangerly duty, sir.

[prairie dogs squeak]

Fine, rookies. Follow me.
Thanks for getting here quickly.

The sooner you get started on
the prairie dog situation, the better.

- I need 'em gone by Saturday.
- The prairie dog situation?

They're everywhere.
We have a big event, just a week away.

It's Old Faithful's billionth birthday.

Your geyser's a geezer.

The billion is only
a ceremonial guesstimate,

based on the geological age
of the park.

Even so, there's gonna be
a lot of important people here,

and I don't need prairie dogs
ripping up my Yellowstone.

- So... when can you get started?
- When do we get Ranger badges?

You'll train a week, graduate Saturday,
and stay until fall, OK?

Three-O, Capitano.

Yeah, right.

Hey, somebody call the ranger.

- What are those? Gophers?
- Those are prairie dogs.

I can't believe it.

At Yellowstone?

Mom, they're eating our food!

I wanna go home!

Dang.

[sensor beeps]

Crabbe's got a surface breach, sir.

- Up at the tunnel head.
- Nemo, increase their food.

I need them
digging under Yellowstone,

not running around creating suspicion.

Yes, sir, Mr Slater.

Take the subterranean shuttle
and help Mr Crabbe seal up that leak.

Right.

That old blowhard better not
see her billionth birthday.

Yellowstone.

My Yellowstone.

You have no idea
what's about to hit you.

- Greetings.
- Konichiwa.

Bienvenidos. How are you?

- We're a walking Kodak moment.
- It's fully Deedlemania.

We got the Dudley Do-Right hats.

- Matching primo earth-tone duds.
- Right.

Walkie-talkies, cool handcuffs.

I love a gal in uniform.

You and Ryan?

Insert laugh here.

And why do you get the girl?

- Cos I'm older.
- Two minutes.

- Older's older.
- The lieutenant is not some haole babe

you can seduce
with your surferly charms.

That's exactly why she melts me.

She's not like any girl I've met.
She's special.

When I see her, I hear harps,

elevator tunes, and cartoony hearts
float around my head.

And I get this rush
like I'm charging, macking Pipeline.

Dude, if that's not love, what is it?

Rookies, here are your
Park Rules and Regulations.

They're yours to keep.
If you have questions, just ask.

I got one.

- Who's this guy?
- Frank Slater.

He was Head Ranger,
before the incident.

What incident?

Six years ago,
park attendance was down,

and Slater tried to boost it by getting
the extinct geysers to flow again.

One of the geysers
he was messing with blew,

- and it nearly k*lled him.
- No way.

It also put six tourists
in the hospital.

When the Superintendent found out
Slater was to blame, he fired him,

and banned him from the park forever.

Nobody's seen Slater since.

Hey, Stew.

Guess who.

A wise geyser.
My face is burning.

[squeaking]

Redwood post...

Building foundation.

[Slater]
You just hit a building, Mr Crabbe.

I have given you precise coordinates.

You know how important it is
that this tunnel be exact.

Well, yes, sir.

But we are under the Ranger village.

I guess the prairie dogs
must have veered a little off course.

[Slater] In this case, a lot off course.

If you had to hit a building,

you just picked a pip,

because right now,
we are directly under

the offices of Douglas F Pine.

Hand me my Liquid Kibble Injector.

What a day.

Put that booger right in there.
Stick it right in there.

Oh, yes!

Listen up!

[Ranger burps]

This is Stew and Phil Deedle,

our two new recruits.

- Just in time for dinner.
- [Ranger] Welcome.

Why don't we give them
a big Wyoming welcome?

These boys spent most of last year
working with the Peace Corps,

ridding an entire seaside village
of rats.

These rookies are gonna solve
the park's big prairie dog problem.

There's something else you should know
about these two rookies.

This letter came with their resumes.

Er...

"Furthermore, as devout naturalists,

we choose to eat only food
that comes directly from the earth."

"From Mother Nature."

Well...

You all know our oldest rule:

Don't tempt the bears.
Here's a new one:

Don't tempt the rookies.

But, since you just got here,
and you haven't had time to forage,

our kitchen has whipped up
something special for you.

- Save room for dessert.
- [buzzing]

- Is he all right?
- He's fine.

Just a touch of the ebola.

Maybe he should lie down.

Somebody show these boys
where they're staying.

This is for the local paper, rookies.

[Stew] See? This isn't so bad.

[Phil]
Good thing we ditched Major Flower,

or we'd be living outside,
shivering and eating bugs.

OK, then we wouldn't have these
cool uniforms or these walkie-talkies.

Phil to Stew, over.

- Stew here, over.
- This bites, over.

Let's just tell them we want a cabin.

We can't, it'll blow our cover.

We're supposed to be
total outdoors... women.

I can't forage for food.
I can barely handle a salad bar.

Chill, Phil. It's not so bad.

We got a fire, a tent,
bathrooms and showers close by.

It could be worse. Way worse.

How could this possibly
be any worse, you kook?

It could be raining.

Nothing's worse than
being outside in the rain.

[distant wolf howl]

[muffled music plays]

♪ And I can't decide...

O-six hundred, rookies.
Move it! Move it! Move it!

Come on, Deedles. You're lagging.

It's early.
It's so early. Need Frapuccino.

- Massive caffeine.
- I don't even have morning breath yet.

Keep hiking, rookies.
We got just the thing to wake you up.

[both scream]

Dude, this is insane.

OK, people.
Let's practice some rescues.

Climber, take my hand.

Climber, grab my wrist.

Climber, pull my finger.

[breaks wind]

Come on, hustle.

Hey, Captain.
How's it hanging?

Deedles.

Quite a vista.

- Really gets the pulse racing.
- It certainly do, dude.

Man, she's one firing hottie.

What I wouldn't give to be
the Deedle in her haystack.

Hi, Phil. Hey, Daddy.

Daddy.

- What in...
- Flying, man.

Firing hottie's a good thing.

Right now I don't give a rabid
rat's hiney if you are a rodent expert.

My step-daughter's off-limits
to all park personnel.

Period!

Got it?

Check your assignment,
and both of you get to work.

Flamed?

Fully. How was I supposed to know
he's her step-dad?

Try and chill, horn dog, before
your quest for booty gets us booted.

I told you, I'm not after booty.

Even so, getting booted
sure beats croaking from starvation.

I just can't handle
this all-natural life stuff.

I gotta get some real food.

"Deedles, West Gate."
Good deal. Let's score us some grub.

[horns blare]

Hi. Welcome to Jellystone.

I mean Yellowstone.
Are you familiar with Jellystone's...

Yellowstone's rules and regulations?

No open fires, no fireworks,
no firearms.

No Hostess products.

No Hostess products?

That means no Twinkie.

You see a cake.
I see a forest fire.

Sorry, folks, but in Yellowstone
there's never room for Jell-O.

Have a great day.

- Phil?
- Yeah, Stew?

I feel like a supermodel.

What good is knowing
how to eat all natural?

How's that going to come in handy?

[growling]

[walkie-talkie] Deedles? Pine.
In my office, pronto.

[Superintendent] I hope you understand
the magnitude of this weekend's event.

[laughs] Yes, sir.
The billionth is definitely a biggie.

What about the prairie dogs?

Actually, sir,
my experts just walked in,

- so if you'd like to hold...
- Hold?! Are you out of your mind?

Fine, sir. Call me back.

That was the Superintendent.
My boss.

And he,... like everyone,...

is very nervous about the prairie dogs
ruining Saturday's big celebration.

So... how's it coming?

- The celebration?
- The prairie dog situation! God!

Sir, we just started yesterday.
We haven't scoped it out yet.

Terrific. The boss is gonna
call back any minute,

and you know what
I'm gonna tell him?

Exactly, because I'm not
the prairie dog experts. You are.

You want us to talk to him?

- We don't have anything to say.
- I suggest you find the words

to convince him
that everything is under control.

You mean,... you want us to lie?

Well,... not lie.

I just want you to erm...

Er...

...make something up.
You can do that, can't you?

Go ahead, give it a shot.

Look, Dumbo.
Dumbo's outside.

You see. Nothing to it.

I want you to go outside,
rehearse your speech.

When you hear the phone ring,
come back inside,

and tell the Superintendent
exactly what he wants to hear.

Go.

- And, rookies.
- Yes, sir.

Were you born in a barn?

- Underwater, actually.
- At this funky birthing clinic.

- Just shut the door.
- Oh, sorry.

[phone rings]

Yes! Prairie dogs one, Pine zero!

Yes! How does it feel
to be humiliated, Pine?!

Captain Crunch.

Deedles!

[prairie dogs squeak]

[Nemo] Fore.

Do you mind?

[Slater] Mr Nemo. Mr Crabbe.
Get down here now.

[laughs]

Going down!

[whirring]

[Slater] There you are.

Mr Nemo,
seal up the hole in Pine's cabin,

and get the colony
digging back on course again.

Yes, sir.

Mr Crabbe, did you remember?

To get a newspaper?

"Prairie Dog Experts Hired." What?

"Park to be rodent-free
by birthday bash"?

Pine has hired two idiots
to mess with my prairie dogs.

Mr Crabbe, get over to Yellowstone
and watch for those experts.

Above all,
keep them away from my tunnel.

- Hey, Phil.
- Hey, Jesse.

- I mean, Lieutenant.
- What's that all over your chin?

- You know, I have absolutely no...
- Is that pollen?

...problem admitting it's pollen.
Fine guess.

I hear it's good for you.
How's it taste?

You know.
Tastes like chicken.

Pollen.

[chuckles]

- Hey, Lieutenant.
- Yeah?

Could you use some help?

Erm...

Sure, you can help me dry.
I'll go get some towels.

Hey, Lieutenant!

Why towel dry when you can
hit a button and blow dry?

[rotors whir]

[shouting]

Don't!

Whoa! Down, boy!

[Phil whistles]

- One search and rescue chopper.
- That'd be me.

Thanks.

Hey, Phil, I was thinking,

would you consider showing me
how to eat like you do?

I think it'd be great
survivalist training.

You mean you want me to teach you?

Nothing formal, or anything.

Maybe we could just
take a hike in the woods together

and, you know, eat as we go.

How's lunch? Friday?

My Friday lunch is... wide open.

Great, then it's a date.

- Ryan, phone call.
- Be right there.

OK, I'll see you then, Phil.

Oh, man. How could I do that
after Pine warned me?

- What was I think...
- [tinkling]

Cool. Floating cartoon hearts.

Hey, bro. I found it.

Hacked into an old CIA database,
and there it was.

There what was?

[printer whirs]

This declassified document
detailing a gas

the CIA was gonna use in Cuba
in the '60s.

We'll whip some up
and use it on the prairie dogs.

"Operation Gastro Castro"?

See anything?

No.

[squeaks]

Shazaam. P-dog at 12.00.

Cool. Shazaam?

Ah!

It's those rookies.

[phone rings]

- Yes, sir.
- They're by Tunnel Sector Delta.

- Find out what they're about.
- Yes, sir!

[squeaking]

All the chemicals needed to make the gas
can be found in household products.

Pretty cool, huh?

- Chemicals rule.
- Add a dash of CaOC12...

Spritz with phenylphenol...

Don't feed him.
If you do, he'll come back for more.

- What? Petey should get paid to work.
- Petey?

Yeah. Petey the P-dog.

We're buds, so this plan better not
harm him or the other P-dogs.

Relax. It'll make them leave,
and not want to come back.

[Stew] P-dogs are a tidy species,
and are particular about their tunnels.

- [hissing]
- Gas mask it, padre.

- [Phil] Did the CIA test this out?
- [Stew] No.

Gastro Castro never got the final OK.

Too bad, though.
It was a fairly ingenious plan.

The idea was to topple Castro by
repeatedly humiliating him in public.

You think it would've worked?

Sure. You try leading a nation
while you're loading your fatigues.

[breaks wind violently]

Oh, no. Petey.

[Petey breaks wind]

[tyres screech]

[all break wind]

"Welcome, everyone,

to Old Faithful's
one billionth birthdap."

Birthdap?

OK. I could just delete it
if I only had my computer.

Or my office. Or no Deedles.

[birds squawk]

[birds break wind]

[Stew] Oh... Eugh!

That's beautiful.

Look at Pine's temples throb.

I only wish that my camera had sound,
so I could fully enjoy this moment.

- Actually, I read lips.
- Really?

- Are you any good at it?
- Trained on chickens.

Excellent! Let's hear it.

I'm farting to Wonderbra if you beetles
aren't complete Mormons.

- Tell me...
- ..do you have a single brain?

- Or do you just have...
- ..sheets for drains?

And you call your elves
hairy log exports.

...or you damn sure
won't get any badges!

You have our word as experts,

by the time the bigwigs show,
there won't be a P-dog in the entire...

...pork.

I don't like the sound of that.

I need to get these experts gone,
and fast.

Mr Nemo, find Mr Crabbe,
and take care of them.

Make sure that...
they have a little accident.

What's up with that bear, Yogi?
Does anyone believe there's a bear here,

walking upright, wearing a hat
and boosting people's picnic baskets?

Relax. Legend has it,
he's just a cartoon.

[bear growls]

- Not even.
- Even. Cork it, I'm working here.

I still can't believe you promised we'd
have every P-dog gone by graduation.

- What were you thinking?
- Same thing I'm thinking now.

It'll be a walk in the park
once we find out where the tunnels are.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.

Who would do something like this?

Road beavers.

[groans]

[Phil] Don't you find it odd?

I mean, Boo Boo's not Yogi's son.
He's not even his brother.

Yet they're shacking up in Jellystone,
walking around with ties but no pants.

I need you to drop this. Now.

- No brakes, bud.
- Old joke, bud.

No joke, bud.

[both scream]

[horns blare]

[both scream]

Move over, bro.

Whoa, dude! Yay!

[both yell]

Who are those guys?

I don't know, but they're good.

[computer beeps]

Hey, Phil, check this out.

"Map request accepted.
Landsat orbital ETA 18 hours."



To get the park ready to have
its picture taken. From outer space.

The final frontier.

Too close. Hey.

[squeaks]

No way. Petey.

Stew-man, Petey's here.

- I told you if you fed him...
- He'd come back.

And he did. He came back.

You are fully the Lassie of P-dogs.

Keep him around.
We can use him.


Deep Heating Rub, please.

[man mutters]

[speaks German]

- "Mizzing Lowen"?
- Wonder where the big cat's at.

- My cone, Mo! Back off!
- You got the last drop of dew.

[both scream]

- Meat is m*rder!
- Don't hurt us, Mr Lion.

We surrender, carnivore.

- How'd it go? Did you score?
- Wait till we're in camp.

I can't. I need it bad.

Hurry up. I'll be in the jeep.

Howdy there, Ranger.

Lieutenant, aloha.

- We're still on for lunch tomorrow?
- Yep.

Trail mix alfresco, Lieutenant.

Right on.

I'll see you then,
and you can call me Jesse.

Cool. Thanks, Lieutenant Jesse.

Man, I gotta find us a lunch.

You have to think, Phil.
Use the brain.

Make a plan, seek a solution.
One's just not gonna come...

- [car horn]
- Hey, watch it, pal.

- Scorching, bro. This stuff's hot.
- That's the idea.

Elevate the P-dogs' temperature,
so the satellite's heat sensors

can distinguish them
when it makes the thermal map.

You're completely winging this, huh?

It's simple science,
like a potato clock or cold fusion.

I hope it works. My pal Petey the P-dog
looks most unstoked.

No biggie. He won't get any deep heating
rub on him unless he backtracks.

OK, P-dogs. The heat is on.

- So, weebles, what is this called?
- Fire.

Indeed. And what happens
if you're careless and get too close?

- You catch fire.
- [boy] Like you, Ranger Phil.

- [boy] Drop and roll!
- [children] Drop and roll!

Drop and roll! Drop and roll!

Hot.

- That was cool.
- Good, kids. You passed the test.

- [girl] Yeah, he's all right.
- Now, for your viewing pleasure,

give it up for Rapmaster Sparky. Whoo!

[Stew] Oh, no.

- Now what am I supposed to do?
- Dance. It says to bust a move.

♪ When things burn
I'm sad, sad, sad

That stinks! We want fire!

[all] Yeah!

Why doesn't somebody sh**t me?

This won't look like an accident.

Sure it will. Hunting accident.

Yo, yo, yo, I've got the moves!
Call me James Brown.

There.

Then let's do it.

Right now? In front of the kids?

Are you kidding? Look at 'em.

[all boo]

They'd do it themselves
if they could.

You suck.

[Stew groans]

[Stew] Man, I'll never have cubs.

Come on, bro.

Are you ready now?

[both scream]

Why aren't you digging?

Mentholatum Deep Heating Rub.

It's those rookies.

[phone rings]

Where the hell are Nemo and Crabbe?

Thanks for taking me.
I've always wanted to try this.

No problem, Lieutenant.
I just hope you like the menu.

Hey, I see a grub. Can I eat it?

- Don't eat that.
- Why? Grubs aren't poisonous.

- I see birds eat them all the time.
- I know.

But it's got this funky
"orange juice meets toothpaste" taste

that most people don't dig.

It's better to start off with these.

Earthworms.
They're nutritious.

A tad gummy,
but surprisingly sweet.

Earthwormy goodness.

Open up.
I've got a live one for you.

- Well? What do you think?
- Tastes like candy.

- Candy of the Gods, I call it.
- It really tastes like candy.

You planted candy out here, didn't you?

You didn't think I could handle it,
so you set all this up.

- That's preposterous. I never would...
- I'll show you, rookie.

No, Phil, don't.

What?

Bug breath?

No.

It's just...

I barely know you.

I know, but I totally crave your wave.

I mean, you're all I think about.

Day and night. And verse-visa.

And when I'm with you,...

I find myself staring,
even though I know I shouldn't.

Like when you're driving
and there's something flat in the road.

You know you shouldn't look,
but you can't help it?

- Are you calling me roadkill?
- Exactly.

I mean, no.

Well, OK, but roadkill in a good way.

Oh, man. Can I just start over?

No, you can't.

Because that is the...

...oddest, sweetest thing
anybody's ever said to me.

And you know what?

I think your wave
is pretty cravable too.

You do?

Cool.

[printer beeps and whirs]

Ore-ida! Weez in bid-ness!

[beeps]

Company.

Captain Pine, sir.
What a surprise, and great timing,

since I just got all the info needed
to nail the prairie dog dilemma.

Save it, Deedle!

If that's your real name.

Mel and Mo, I presume.

Where's your evil twin, Doodle?

Jesse,... this is awesome.

This is my favourite view in the park.

My step-dad showed me this spot.

Your step-dad. He doesn't know about
this date of ours, does he?

Cos he kind of told me
to stay away from you.

- He did?
- Yeah.

That is so my dad.

He's got this slight problem
when it comes to me and guys.

He can't stand to see his
precious little tomboy all grown up.

Don't worry about it, though.

So, it's er...
it's cool then if he sees us together?

It's fine.

He's a little over-protective, but
it's not like he's a complete psycho.

[whirring]

Get away from the girl!

I repeat, get away from the girl!

- Something went horribly awry.
- Try Mel and Mo showing.

What about the Gilligan gambit?
We were claiming amnesia.

I know. I... forgot.

Oh, bro.

We're like, beyond busted.

Captain Pine, Jesse...

It's Lieutenant Ryan.

- Look, we're sorry we let you down.
- Let us explain.

Tell it to the judge.
You're going directly to jail.

As in, "Do not pass go."
"Do not collect two shiny badges."

We didn't mean any harm.

We're just a couple of prodigal sons
trying to win the respect of their dad.

- Like Jack and Bobby Kennedy.
- Speed Racer and Spridle.

Frank and Joe Hardy.

I don't recall the Hardy Boys
completely trashing a campsite.

Or stealing ladies' clothes.

Stealing ladies' panties?

- You stole ladies' panties?
- Yeah.

But just to wear them.

That's disgusting. Load them up.

Blade it up, Alan.

Sir, you're kicking us out?

Of course I am.
You lied to me.

And wasted time
while the prairie dogs got worse.

- I told you, we're on it.
- Cut the bull.

I checked you two out.
You're surfers.

Losers. A couple of bums.

Deedle, we don't need surfers
in Yellowstone.

[Stew] Maybe we are a couple of bums.

But in our whole lives
we never wanted anything

as much as we want
to help you save the park.

Honest, Captain. We totally dig this
place, and we dig the two of you too.

And if you send us back, we really
will be a couple of loser surfer bums.

That's real touching, boys,

but you lied,... and you hurt Jesse,

and you both hurt the park.

Frankly, I'm tired of looking at
your phoney faces.

So that means, either you leave,
or I leave.

Well,...
let me tell you something, Deedles.

I'm not going anywhere.

- [screams]
- Dad!

- Dad!
- Man overboard.

Down! Take her down!

- Dad!
- Jesse!

Throw it here.

Bro! We gotta do something.

- What are you guys doing?
- Surf and rescue.

Get in. I'm driving.

[Pine splutters]

[Stew] Grab onto our boards.

Go back! Go back!
Get out of here!

Phil!

Grab onto my board, Pine-man.

- You rookies go back.
- Guess again. We're saving your butt.

The falls.

Oh, man!

- [Phil] Jesse, get down here.
- Phil! Stew! Grab the skids!

Go, man!

Come on, get down here.

[Stew] I can't reach it.

[all scream]

Oh, yeah.

[screams]

Guys, I really don't know what to say.

Is there anything
we can do to thank you?

Erm...

- We could use a ride to the airport.
- What?

You can't get a Ranger badge
at the airport.

Only place to get one's right here,
in the park.

Tomorrow at 9.00am.
At your graduation.

Yes! Stinking badges.

Oh! And, hey, tonight, we party.
Luau at Camp Deedle.

- You ever luau?
- What?

No.

Sometimes we get a band,
and we do a barbeque.

- You know, a h*-down.
- [Stew] A h*-down?

This will be just like that, only it'll
be more of a... Don h*-down.

- The natives are restless.
- Fully.

We ran out of Hula mix,
and they all want more.

Tell them to drink the tiki torches.
It's the same stuff.

- Any sign of Jesse yet?
- No, not yet.

No worries. She'll be here.
I'll get the cake.

[grunting]

Cool. A bear.

- [growls]
- A bear!

[both] Aloha.

Jess. You are one scenic turnout.

You're no landfill yourself, dude.

So, you want to cut one?
A rug, I mean.

Oh. I'd love to.
Teach me to wear girlie shoes.

My dogs are aching.

You should...
should soak them in a hot bath.

I know a better place.

Come on.

[sniffs]

Peep this. My man Stew's
gonna rap us some Sparky.

- OK, rookie, do your little dance.
- [rap music]

Otto?

My God. It's perfect.

P-dog plan. Yeah.

Otto.

[speaks German]

Where's the bear?
Where's the bear? Where's the bear?

Otto, come here.

Come here.

Otto. Otto, bitte.

[speaks German]

Otto.

Otto, come here.

Don't take the jeep.
You will k*ll yourself.

Otto! Otto, stop the jeep!

Otto, stop the jeep. Stop!

Kid puts on a heck of a show.

What do you think of this place?

It is fully nature's Jacuzzi.

How long do the bubbles stay on?

Hopefully, for a few thousand years.

Wow.
Our toes will be way pruney by then.

Jesse.

I just have to say that

you are undeniably
the coolest chick...

I mean, the finest woman
that I've ever met.

Right now, my heart is stoked like a
gremmie ripping a monster dream set.

Shame on you, spouting clichés.

Are you sure this is OK?

OK? No.
This is gonna be epic.

[band plays lacklustre version of
Pomp And Circumstance]

[scattered applause]

Welcome, and er... good morning,
my fellow Rangers.

This morning,
my two personal heroes,

Phillip S, and Stewart P Deedle,

will commence the eradication
of the rodent infestation.

After which, I will proudly present them
with their park service badges.

Thank you, Captain Pine-man, sir.
This is a thermal map of the park,

created by
a US Geographical satellite.

Geysers, the hottest, are red,
snow is blue,

and warm-blooded animals are green.

But take a look at these hotter,
yellow dots.

Prairie dogs after being exposed to
a temperature-elevating substance.

The yellow line you see
is one big prairie dog tunnel.

And after placing a series of small,
harmless expl*sives in the...

Look. Stew put cherry bombs in
a mess of holes to seal off the tunnel.

So now it's, "See ya, P-dog time,
wouldn't want to be ya, P-dog time."

Now, by virtue of state-of-the-art
satellite technology,

and Mentholatum Deep Heating
Extra Strength Pain Relieving Rub,

Phil and Stew will,
on the count of three,

end the park's pesky
prairie dog dilemma.

One...

two...

three.

Now.

[all scream]

Wicked cherry b*mb, Stew.

They k*lled her! Those phoney
surfer losers k*lled Old Faithful!

Lynch them!
Lynch the Deedles!

Hang on, Stew!

[both shriek]

And don't come back!

Ever!

Man, I miss Jellystone already.

When Dad finds out we disgraced
the family name...

- He'll change it back to Deedlefarb.
- What about Pine?

- We fully ruined his life.
- And Jesse's. What to do, Stew?

There's only one thing to do.
Come up with the person who did this.

I gotcha. Frame someone
to make it look like they did it.

Phil, for the last time, I did not k*ll
Old Faithful. We were set up.

That's so diculous, it's ridiculous.

Who on Earth would
want to frame rookies?

No clue. I know a cherry b*mb
can't k*ll a billion-year-old geyser.

Phil.

These yellow dots, the big P-dog tunnel,
what's it headed for?

- That big red dot?
- Right.

And that red dot, Mr Watson,
is a geyser dubbed Old Faithful.

No way.

- So what?
- What are the odds?

Maybe if we find
the source of the P-dogs,

we can get Old Faithful gushing again.

Shake some booty, car coming.

- You sure about this?
- No, but what do we do

whenever we're in big trouble?

- Something really stupid.
- Exactly.

Told you this tent
was good for something.

[both] Whoo!

You smell that?
It smells familiar.

Look at this!

Dang Deedles. If I hadn't k*lled them,
I'd k*ll them.

[Phil and Stew yell]

Yeah. Thanks for the lift, Major Nad.

Deedles!

- [both] Hey, Flower Bud?
- What?

Turn! Whoo-hoo!

[screams]

Not again!

- [Flower] Rats!
- Whoa!

- k*ller dismount.
- [Flower] Deedles! [echoes]

[Pine] Fireball?

Sir, I don't know who you've been
talking to, but Old Faithful,

she's fine, sir.
Erupting away, like always.

In fact,... she's erupting now.

Let her rip, fellas.

Yes, sir.
One billion and still going strong.

Yeah.

Very good, sir.
I look forward to seeing you,

the governor and the
Secretary of the Interior here at noon.

Right. OK.

That's super, Mr Super...

- Butthead.
- Dad...

- He hung up.
- What do you think you're doing?

There's no way
you're gonna pull this off.

I'm trying to buy a little time. A team
of geologists is driving from Butte...

- Butte?
- Yeah.

Dad, Butte is over four hours away.

All the roads are crammed
with people coming to the celebration.

There is no way they'd get here by noon.

I'm losing it, aren't I?

OK, fellas, forget it.

Let's just hope for a miracle.

[Phil] I hope you know
where we're going.

[Phil] Right there. Drop zone.

[both] Whoa!

This is definitely the place.

Yeah, look at all the P-dogs.

There's nothing here
but a meadow full of golf ba*ls.

Don't go getting neg on me, bro.

- Maybe they saw P-dogs.
- It's ironic, isn't it?

Yesterday those two rookies
were ruining everything,

and now, thanks to them,
we are a mere 20 minutes away

from our incredible moment of triumph.

To success.
And to those two idiot Deedles.

Wherever they may be.

They're here. They're above us.

I want you to read their lips.
This time, do it letter-perfect.

What kind of a pinhead kills a geyser?

An evil pinhead with no self-esteem
and a majorly big bug up his...

Shut up!

Mr Crabbe, Mr Nemo.

Bring them to me.

- Hello?
- It's Ed and d*ck.

You may be a winner.

Or... a loser.

What a dump.

Hey, Scooby Stew, look. A clue.

Slater. Wasn't that the head ranger
they banned from the park?

Head ranger.
More like head case.

"Die, Pine."

"Die, Deedles."

- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Yeah.

Gotcha.

Step right this way,
into my humble cove.

Where are you taking us?

[Deedles] Uh-oh.

[both shriek]

[band plays]

[scattered applause]

[announcer] Let's hear it for the
Jackson Hole High School marching band.

Thanks, kids. Now, before I introduce
our featured speaker, the head ranger...

[Deedles groan]

Right this way, Deedles!

Deedles. Nice of you to drop in.

You'll never get away with this, Slater.

- Whatever it is.
- Still haven't figured it out?

One thing we know,
you were pumping P-dogs into the park.

Inspired, wasn't it?

All it took was kibble
injected into the dirt,

and a-tunnelling they would go.

But then, thanks to you
and Mentholatum Deep Heating Rub,

my furry friends... weren't digging
fast enough for my plans.

You can imagine my relief
when I saw this.

My plan. Where did you get that?

Last night in your tent.
You were sucking cake through your nose.

You had cake?

So, your plan freed me to dispense with
the slothful prairie dogs,

and use dynamite to blast the way
to my pipeline's destination.

The geothermal vent of Old Faithful.

[applause]

Afternoon, Governor.
Mr Secretary.

Mr Superintendent.

Welcome all, to Yellowstone

on Old Faithful's one billionth
birthdap... day... birthday.

- You framed us.
- You k*lled Old Faithful.

k*lled her? No.
She's very much alive,

and still erupting like clockwork
into this steel tank.

Dead? Geyser nap? What's the diff?
She'll never see the park again.

No. No, she won't,

because at exactly noon,

when that idiot Pine is up on his podium
trying to explain

what happened to his beloved geyser,

Old Faithful will be diverted
into a shaft from an extinct geyser,

which is smack-dab above us.

- On my property.
- Extinct geyser?

That old dry hole by your trailer?

That old dry hole is about to become
the greatest geyser ever.

New Faithful of Slaterstone.

Dah-dah!

[Slater laughs] Yeah.

Soon to be the millennium's most popular
tourist destination in Wyoming,

and in the world.

- You did all this for tourism?
- Not for tourism, Deedle.

For revenge.

All I ever wanted to do was
make Yellowstone more popular.

So, she burned me.

Let's see how she likes it
when the world dumps her

for the newer, bigger,
New Faithful of Slaterstone.

Gentlemen, it's show time.

Mr Crabbe. Mr Nemo.

Put on those fire suits.
Let's make history.

But, first...

[Crabbe shrieks]

[both scream]

I'm gonna k*ll me a Deedle.

[both scream]

Let's bail!

[Crabbe and Nemo groan]

[Nemo] Deedles!

Dead end.

Massive P-dog mosh pit.

Gotcha now.

Deedles?

Come out, come out,
wherever you are.

Hey, losers.

Ciao!

[both scream]

[Crabbe] Get off me!
Get them off!

- We gotta save Old Faithful.
- Yeah, fully.

But how?

One billion years.

Man, that's old.

Really old. What's next?

Until you're coming up to a trillion,
who really cares?

[Slater] Easy, New Faithful.
Easy, girl.

You'll see the surface soon enough.

Mr Nemo, Mr Crabbe,
help me open these safety valves.

We need to take some pressure
off the tank.

I said open them, not close them.

That blasted tank
is barely holding as it is.

Open them,
or you'll destroy everything.

[laughs] Give it up, Slater, bud.

Deedles.

[Phil] k*ller dismount.

[squeaks]

[groans]

Hey, Stew.

No one will stop my Slaterstone.
No one.

Petey! Stew, you missed it.
Petey whacked Slater.

[screams]

Petey, jump!

[rumbling]

- Let's bail. It's gonna blow.
- Petey'll show us the way.

Like you said,
he is the Lassie of P-dogs.

This guy Slater's a load.

Fully. He needs to lay off
the P-dog chow.

Oh, man. This cave's gonna cave.

Let's get out of here.

Lassie, my butt.
This is the shaft to Old Faithful.

- Exactly.
- There's no way we're going in there.

- You got a better idea?
- It's suicidal. Fully Kevorkian.

- With these fire suits we'll be fine.
- Two words.

It's either this or back up that toilet.

After you.
Come on, in you go.

Come on, get up here.

Deedles! You fools, not the shaft. No!

[Phil] You'll get the shaft!
You'll be doing hard time.

[Stew] You'll tell everybody
you framed us.

[Stew] Get ready for a rush, Slater-bud,
cos we're gonna...

[both] sh**t the pipeline.

Think about it. It's just
a bunch of hot, steaming water

sh**ting out of a hole.
You want to see that every day?

- Just buy a damn whistling teapot.
- Pine.

- What's the point?
- Why hasn't the geyser erupted?

You want to know why
it hasn't erupted?

OK. I'll tell you why. Deedles.

- Deedles?
- That's right. Deedles.

Deedles. Deedles.

Deedles!

Deedles! Deedles!

Dee... Dee... Deedles!

[all scream]

- [woman] What's happening?
- [man] It's an earthquake.

That's no earthquake. That's...

...Deedles!

Deedles!

All right!

Step off our wave, Slater!

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah, Stew-man, we got Petey too.

Hey, hi, man.
Aloha, my friends.

Deedles! Deedles! Deedles!

[announcer] Deedles, you just saved the
nation's most beloved geyser.

You helped put away
an evil madman.

So, where are you going now?

We're going to... Deedlestone.

[TV] Deedlestone. 300 acres of
four to six foot steamy, glassy waves.

Powered by a reawakened geyser
and a flooded meadow

that once belonged
to the evil madman.

An Elton Deedle Corporation,
all rights reserved.

- Choice ad.
- Yeah, and fully original.

- What do you think, Pops?
- Boys...

You're finally living up
to your family name.

I'm damned impressed
by what the two of you have done.

We didn't do all this.

We saved Yellowstone, but
that entire reawakened geyser is just...

Thanks, but we just did
what you told us.

We showed initiative.

Boys, I'm just
so very proud of both of you.

Come here.

- Feeling's mutual, Pop.
- We're proud of us too.

Save some of that for me, Lieutenant.

Hey, hey, hey.

Stew, this is the best of everything.
We saved Yellowstone.

- I got my girl, we got our buds...
- Got our boards, got Dad's respect.

- Best of all, it's time to...
- Surf Wyoming.

[♪ Hawaii Five-O theme]

[♪ Greggy Tah: Go Where You Go]