My name's Emilio
and l've been at this school
since l was 5.
l'm 18 now, which means that
for 13 years l've been in love
with the same girl.
At the time l wore
orthopedics on my legs.
Almost four kilos of iron
and two crutches.
The big kids called me ''Forrest''
and the others, ''Scrap Metal''.
l waited 6 years
for the iron to come off
and to tell Natalia l love her,
but a few days before,
my mum took me to the dentist.
After that, l was ''Wire Boy''.
Then l started getting nosebleeds
whenever l got nervous.
They wasn't serious and...
they were easily fixed.
l thought l was done with
orthopedics until Merino...
threw a medicine ball at me.
l wore a neck brace, traction
and a back support
for two more years.
Then l became simply...
''Robocop''.
13 years waiting to become
a normal person
so l could declare my love.
Though probably...
neither l nor my friends...
would ever be normal people.
Coming through. Coming through.
-Emilio!
-Come here, Flash.
Go on, tell me what l got.
l need a 7.6 average
to get into Medicine.
-Take a look!
-Alright.
José Manuel Sánchez Expósito,
better known as ''Flash''.
His loss of vision from
a congenital disease
never stopped him from
believing he was a normal kid.
-What was it?
-A penalty.
l'll sh**t, l'll sh**t.
So normal that he even got flash
over the dumbest things.
Hence the tag, ''Flash''.
He's always had one goal in life:
to fit in.
-l'm in the centre.
-Yes.
And for Flash, fitting in
meant acting like the sighted.
There's an aroma here
stronger than Vicks Vaporub.
lt's cleared up all my pipes.
''Wheels''...
He isn't what you'd call
a normal person either.
His goals in life are
personal defense and sex.
Don't always do this!
Don't believe them!
-Get outta here, sucker.
-You idiot!
But scoring on the dancefloor
had always eluded him, so...
he developed his own method:
listen, understand
and console.
Let it all out
and you'll feel better.
Relax.
-Flash!
-Hey, Goat!
Why the long faces?
There's still September.
l got the goods, and at half price.
We steal by night, sell by day:
Maths, Latin, Geography...
''The Goat'' isn't
exactly normal either.
But he's a good guy.
Or as good as you can be
living the slum life
and inheriting the family business.
1 for a euro, 2 for 2 euros!
Everyone's a winner,
a football or a ham!
What do we have here?
A microwave for the man!
The box comes free! Here!
l want a gram. Can you fix me up?
l told you, l'm not selling to you.
Your head can't take any more drugs.
What do you guys want?
-Three pink panthers.
-And two bickies.
See? They take drugs,
but they enjoy them.
That's 50.
This is for your girlfriend.
Okay, lady, how are you doing?
And the man wins!
Ham or a lucky dip?
-Quintana, Ramos, Rodriguez...
-No, no.
-Sánchez Expósito.
-That's it.
1.26.
What a bummer.
l didn't get into Medicine.
b*stards.
How can you be a doctor, you d*ck?
They've got it in for me.
Why can't he be a doctor?
Because he can't see?
Corneto's our intellectual leader.
And he would've been a great one,
if he had an intellect.
Do pussies have lamps on 'em?
You ever seen a gynecologist
stick his head in to look?
No, man, you don't look,
you feel the p*ssy.
lt's true. And l've got
highly-developed fingertips.
Sure, Flash. And what's more...
What do psychiatrists do? Listen.
No looking, just listening!
And a radiologist? An anesthetist?
A chiropodist?
My friends and l knew
this was the day
we'd been waiting for
since we were 5.
l'd just had my wristbands
for tendonitis taken off.
For the first time in my life
l felt free.
Natalia.
Emilio, no more wristbands.
-Yeah.
-He's going for it.
l can play basketball
and do weightlifting.
l couldn't do this before.
l mean, rotate it..
for ping pong and table soccer.
Congratulations, Natalia.
You got the scholarship.
Next year...
your friend is studying Medicine
at the prestigious Oxford University.
That's great.
Your nose, Emilio. Your nose.
BRAlN DRAlN
Look, Emilio, did he say Antarctica?
No, he said Oxford.
lt's right next door.
-Aren't you going to do anything?
-Yes. l got a job in Carrefour,
stacking shelves.
You do what you want. lt's all over.
-But we'll still see each other?
-Sure.
We'll nod in the street,
ashamed to look at each other
because our jobs suck
and we let our best friend's girl go.
-But relax, everything's fine.
-Don't say that again, okay?
What don't you want me to say?
You let the love of your life go
without hearing her say no?
You'll be a mess in two months?
You don't want me to say that?
This makes lovebird calls.
lt'll be a scream.
Green!
Flash!
Are you crazy?
Don't you know when to stop?
Look out! Car!
-Stop pissing around, Wheels.
-Losers.
Look, Emilio,
l'll tell you one thing.
l'm not deserting a guy who went
with me to my mum's chemo.
Me neither. He taught me how to
kick a penalty using sound.
He taught me how to dance
to reggaeton, what the f*ck.
Like it or not, we're going to Oxford
to get you your girl.
You like the idea?
And to study Medicine.
They're very advanced there.
To Oxford?
With all our marks added together,
they might even let us
pour the dean's coffee.
-That's true.
-Hey, man...
Robbing the Bank of England is hard,
but can get into Oxford
with my eyes closed.
PASSED
An 8.9 average, to be sure.
Now the scholarships.
Make your mark.
Perfect. Now the recommendations.
The Ambassador,
the Minister of the Exterior,
the King,...
-...and Richard.
-What Richard?
Richard, with the limp,
the street-sweeper.
Marichalar. He's cool.
lt needs someone foreign, right?
Check it out.
Ernest of Hanover. Looks like
a serious dude. Everyone quiet.
Done.
You have to be an example of
how to fit in, there in Oxford.
Look at your dad, eh?
Never used a cane in his life.
No one has to give us anything.
Your mum and l never even
got a seeing-eye dog.
We picked up a stray and trained it.
-Canelo!
-Yeah... Canelo!
-lch liebe dich.
-Dad, he doesn't understand.
All his life flat on his back,
now he's off to Oxford!
Maybe he's got abilities...
Mum, we forgot to change
the piss bag. lt's almost full.
-Let your dad change it.
-Keep that crap away from me.
l told you not to zap your dad,
he's got hypertension.
This Oxford thing is weird, son.
You don't have to prove anything.
Find yourself a girl fast,
and if you have to leave her,
just get another, not like l did.
By the time l left your mum
l was bald and there was no way...
-You know what l mean?
-Yeah, yeah.
These losers say
they're going to Oxford.
-What'll they get up to there?
-That's what l said.
-Me too.
-Hey, nephew.
-What?
-Are you gettin' any?
Everyone here thinks
the main thing in this world
is love, family...
Something they don't mention
is right there.
Rumpy-pumpy, rumpy-pumpy.
l know Medicine's not my thing.
But it's one year, Grandad.
l'll just try it out,
and improve my English.
Medicine's the least of it, right?
Hide the salami, wet your wang,
feed the badger,
whatever you call it.
lf l regret anything,
it's not f*cking when l was 20
what l can't f*ck at 50.
You lose your drive.
This is dead weight now.
Here, l got you some Tupperware.
l did everything
to win your grandma.
l was after her all day.
She was a free spirit,
a wonderful loony.
And look, here l am,
just like the first day.
Where's your grandma?
She's over there.
You're going to k*ll yourself!
Get down!
Can't you see you could fall
and hurt yourself?
Are you mad?
-Are there girls or not?
-Yes, there are.
-On... on your left.
-Left... Girls...
Don't leave me here!
Okay, kid...
''When American boys get the urge
they stick it
in an apple pie,
but there's nothing like
hot French toast, nephew.
l made it with icing sugar
so it doesn't scrape your d*ck.
Big kiss, Uncle Julián.''
Guys!
Did you know a Nobel Prize winner
teaches 3rd year?
lt's top notch here.
Jesus, we're stuck in a Mass.
You want to bet how long we last?
l say under two hours.
So who's that? The Dean?
Understand?
f*ck you, Harry Potter!
Talk properly or l'll smash you!
Stop it, Goat. Shut up.
Please.
What's he saying?
Look. lt's Natalia.
You see that f*ck?
She just got here
and he's sniffin' around.
Emilio, where are you going?
Emilio, cheer up. lt's okay.
All you have to is impress her.
You don't have to be well-read,
just appear to be.
-Do l use magic?
-No, not magic.
What you do is...
Look, cram this into you.
Just a few chapters, to show off.
Listen to me, these girls
fall in love with a brain.
Check him out again.
Look at that sucker go for it.
With a violin, the whole sh*t.
That predator's not swiping
my friend's girl.
Listen, man.
He's just talking to her.
-He looks like a nice guy.
-Goat...
Come with me and play along.
Spanglish? You parle Spanglish?
Yes. l did my Erasmus year in Spain.
lt's not my first degree.
l'm in 4th year Chemistry too.
You got ba*ls. How's it going?
lt's hectic, actually.
l'm a bit on edge.
l'm on the rowing team,
l play the violin...
lt's all piling up.
l had exactly the same trouble...
until a friend gave me some herbs.
Some capsules, homeopathy,
Valerian root.
Ever since then,
it's been a f*cking breeze.
Goat, let him try.
Hey, to take this stuff
you need your head together.
He said he's got two degrees!
His head's no problem.
Right...
One, two...
Breakfast, lunch and dinner.
lt'll do you good.
Thanks.
What did we give him?
50% MDMA, 50% heroin.
He'll study his a*s off.
Damn, check out that chick.
''Claudia Smith and her theatre group
are seeking actors
for Romeo and Juliet.''
Good. We just got to Oxford,
and the hottest girl here
gives us her phone number.
l don't know about hot.
She's the type that puts
her panty liners on with staples.
This is going to be tough.
Every twenty seconds
l need the dictionary.
l got it worse,
l gotta learn English as l go.
Hey, guys!
What's with the glasses, Flash?
With my lazy eye l can spot
a few letters.
Did you see this?
They want sperm donors
for the Assisted Reproduction Lab.
He's going to give 'em a shower.
We'll make a k*lling.
They pay by weight, don't they?
By weight? Are going to take them
a25litre keg?
25, no. But 5, yeah.
By the end of the year,
a good jug, for sure.
What are you gonna fill, softcock?
Not a canteen,
not even a yoghurt tub, moron.
Oh, no? What do you bet?
Go on, 100 pounds.
-100 pounds?
-Yes.
l'll fill it by the end of the year.
lt's no match for Braille.
-Check him out.
-What's up, Chamberlain?
-How's it going?
-Good.
l'm much more relaxed.
Carbajosa?
Emilio Carbajosa!
What are you doing here?
l mean, what a surprise.
l didn't know...
-Are you studying Medicine?
-Yes.
As you see.
l had so many problems as a kid,
l want to help other kids.
Every school has
its Forrest Gump, doesn't it?
That's beautiful.
ln the end, it's the people
who've had a hard time
that move the world.
-l'm so excited!
-Me too!
Our school had some high fliers.
High,... very high.
Well, there are others
from our school in this class.
There.
-My bag. l'll be right back.
-Okay.
-See you!
-What did she say to you?
She says... l move the world.
l move the world, damn it.
Get lost, f*ck.
l'm glad you're here.
-Go on! Have some ba*ls!
-Get your grades up!
-Tell him!
-Go for it.
Me! l know!
Van Brostock, 17th century.
Thanks.
-We'll have to meet up to study.
-Yes, of course.
That would be best.
-Come to my room tonight.
-Done.
Okay. Ciao.
His d*ck's halfway in.
-Did you hear that?
-What?
That voice.
On the P.A.
She's got something special.
She's got what they've all got.
A double Whopper,
pretty pink and very rare.
You're so gross, Wheels.
How about a little sensitivity?
l'm going after that girl.
You'll see.
f*ck. That guy's wheelchair is cool.
-Here, some sandwiches.
-Cool.
Really, guys, l can't. l can't.
l should've asked her to go
to a museum,
to the theatre,
but studying in her room...?
lt's a trap, it is.
What you mean, a trap?
Look... Do you f*ck in a theatre?
-No.
-No.
-Do you f*ck in a museum?
-No.
Do you f*ck in dorm rooms?
-No.
-Yes, you do.
lf you don't f*ck in theatres
and museums,
but you do in dorm rooms...?
Why do you think
she invited you to her room?
-To f*ck!
-l don't want to f*ck just yet!
Okay?
A little time with her
is enough for me.
Why not take her a lung?
To study, l mean.
lnstead of a photo in a book,
it's the organ in person.
And you can touch it!
Let's go, let's go.
Careful!
The dead, oh no, the dead!
Check out the axe wound
on Mrs. Winslow here.
A little respect, okay?
Flash, Flash!
Check out these t*ts!
Let me feel.
Leave the dead alone!
They can curse you!
That's enough, guys.
Let's get the lung and go.
-There it is. Up there.
-There it is.
l'll go up.
-Make it quick, Emilio.
-Okay. Up we go.
-There it is. Okay, okay.
-You're not alone, Emilio.
-We're right here.
-Quit pushing!
We're surrounded by stiffs!
-What are you doing?
-lt's meant to look like we f*cked.
-Come on, you've got it.
-Careful! Careful!
Look out, Emilio. Hold on!
You've got it.
l've got it!
What's this?
That's disgusting.
Let's go, guys.
l've got to get changed.
Let's get outta here.
Keep it away from your face!
Come on, Goat.
-Oh, man, l left the card outside!
-What do you mean?
-We're locked in!
-You must have it, Goat!
-Try another one.
-No, Flash, it says here: Morgue.
Check your pocket!
Please!
-We're locked inside!
-Please! Open the door!
Get up!
-What is it?
-Emilio's not here!
-He's disappeared!
-Disappeared?
Emilio! Emilio!
Emilio!
-He's not here!
-Emilio!
Where's he gone?
sh*t, the pendant.
l'm sorry. l'm sorry.
Where the hell is it?
Jesus, look at this.
Look at this... Jesus Christ!
Hello, Natalia.
These are for you.
Emilio, what do you want?
Nothing's the way it seems.
l'm not a necrophile
and l'm not here to study Medicine.
l came to tell you...
l've been in love with you
since l was 5.
l thought you'd never
get up the nerve.
We've wasted too much time.
What are you saying? What?
lf l take her flowers,
she'll forget l'm a necrophile?
And even sleep with me?
Besides, to do that...
l need more confidence.
-You know that, guys.
-Open the blinds.
l'll get them.
lf you don't like that plan,
l've got more.
No more plans for me.
-No more plans?
-Yes.
''No more plans''?
The Trojan Horse.
The Normandy Landing.
Do you think back then
some dickhead said,
-''No more plans!''?
-Yes.
-No!
-Historically, that never happened.
Why? Because it'd mean giving up.
Hello.
Excuse me.
l've run out of Valerian and...
l'm rather wound up.
Where can l buy them?
They don't sell these, man.
No ''selling''.
But...
Wait, l'll see what l can do.
We're gettin' the kid in trouble.
Nobody sticks their finger
up my friend's a*s.
-Don't give him all of them, okay?
-No.
Chamber!
-Thanks.
-Don't abuse them, eh?
What is this plan exactly?
Saving her life.
Wouldn't you see someone
who saved your life differently?
lf you look at it like that.
So l...
follow her until she's in danger,
then save her?
We'll set it up.
-We'll create the danger.
-Right, what do we need?
-A psychopath? A r*pist?
-Listen,
l think a mugging will do.
Mrs. Wellington...
No, that's not Wellington.
Mr. Williams.
Mr. Brown.
Are you looking at me?
-Are you looking at me?
-What's he doing?
-l don't know.
-Don't you look at me.
f*ck, don't look at me!
l'll give you one!
Don't you look at me!
l'll give you one!
Let's get out of here.
Oh, f*ck...
Sorry. Sorry. lt's just...
-Hold on, hold on!
-lt's fine.
Look, it's no big deal.
He's reconciling with the corpse.
lt's okay, it's okay.
l got a bit mad.
He's a good guy.
We'll sound him out,
then make up our minds.
Well, Potro,
are you on for the job, or not?
-ls it with wh*res?
-With wh*res?
Yeah, sure.
Any wh*res you want, eh?
But after the job.
First some knuckle work.
No, no, no!
No knuckle work.
You just pretend
you're going to do it.
Just pretend. Do you understand?
l understand.
Good.
Do you understand?
l understand.
l can't see this working.
So... l attack the girl...
Then...
Emilio turns up and we go at it.
You and me, eh?
Tell him to stop.
No, Potro, no fighting.
Emilio... Take this.
You hit me with this.
-Here, in the back.
-No, no.
Thanks, but there's no need.
lt'll be fine, man.
l put on an iron plate.
Emilio...
See this?
-She's coming!
-She's leaving the library!
Potro. Potro. Get going, damn it!
-Take this.
-What's this for?
Move it.
-He's going the wrong way.
-Okay, l see.
Don't be fussy, it's fine..
He's lost his way a bit, but...
Potro!
Potro! The girl!
Move it. They'll spot us.
l can't do it.
l'm not taking the stick.
No stick?
You have to be violent
so she believes you.
God, God, God.
Are you Spanish?
Yes.
-You too?
-Yes.
What a coincidence.
So, what are you doing here?
l... l was a boxer.
But a bop on the bean
made my brains all mushy.
What? Too sh*t-scared
to defend your girl?
Not even in a set-up?
Have some ba*ls.
Are you going to relive
the past 13 years?
You don't do anything
unless we do it for you. Loser!
You know what you are?
A corpse-f*ck. You are.
-No!
-Yeah, a corpse-f*ck.
Go and hit that iron plate!
-What's going on, Emilio?
-He's fondling her.
He's feeling her up.
-Go, go!
-Go!
Thanks for listening.
Truth is, l'm lonely here,
far from home...
You f*cking b*stard!
-What is it?
-He smashed him in the head.
Emilio? Buddy?
That was the iron plate.
The iron plate...
And for Spanish students like me,
l remind you that today
we celebrate Constitution Day.
''Dear Angelic Voice.
l wanted to thank you personally...
for reminding me about
the discussion group at 4.
So goodbye now,
and here's my email,
in case you want to
remind me of something...
personally.
To... the Angelic...
Voice.''
You got an 8.5 in Pharmacology!
lt's a B-plus, man.
l haven't been to class for a month.
Dickhead, we did a switch.
What's with the chair?
Give it back. Give it back!
No, not that.
Let's calm down. Okay?
Suck my tool.
Yes, you give the chair back.
And you, calm down and wake up.
We've got a terrific idea.
Alright, Emilio...
To Natalia right now,
you're a weirdo.
For two reasons:
you're a necrophile and violent.
Girl's don't like that much.
So you clean up your image.
And how? Get a girlfriend.
One that's real tasty.
That's it.
A girl can ignore you all her life,
but if she sees you with
another chick, things change.
lt's true, Emilio.
She starts thinking
you must have something.
What's he up to? Wheels, please!
Get her up to the room!
We can't be seen with her!
She can't be my girlfriend!
Look how she's dressed!
How is she dressed? How?
Damn it, you stole
the Professor's clothes bag.
-There's all kinds of stuff here.
-Maybe this...
Sure, put some tennis gear on her.
And you put on a tracksuit.
Two healthy tennis players,
that's what you need.
No, what l need is to be born again.
Emilio, don't even joke about that.
That's right, less drama,
be more positive.
What you have to do
is to give her lots of tongue.
-That'll get Natalia jealous.
-That's it.
-Get that tracksuit on.
-Let's go.
-Has he gone?
-Yes, he's gone.
Guys...
What's up?
-sh*t, Flash.
-Sorry.
Man, her dong's bigger than mine.
Holy Christ! Virgin of the Gypsies!
-What the hell did you bring here?
-She's got a pretty face.
-A pretty face?
-My God. My God.
-We have to tell Emilio.
-Let's not be drama queens.
She's got a pecker, so what?
ls she going to show it? No.
We keep our mouths shut.
Emilio's very fussy...
-How do l look?
-Great.
Great, man... l mean, lady.
What? Did you see the girl?
Yes?
We have to do something.
-Shall we go at it?
-Let's wait. lf you don't mind.
She saw me. She saw me, Daisy.
-God, again.
-Take it easy.
-ls this going to work?
-Of course it will, honey.
She looks gorgeous.
Run your hand over my shoulder,
like we're going out.
l like it when you get into it.
Wonderful.
Let me go, let me go.
-What's wrong?
-Just a tender hug.
lt's not about that.
f*ck...
l made myself dizzy this time.
Flash, you b*stard.
Flash, you b*stard.
Wheels. See who it is.
''Dear Flash, l'll wait for you
tomorrow at Oxford Blues.
l'll be at a table 17.
Signed: Angelic Voice.''
That's great, man.
The P.A. chick's into it.
What answer do l put?
No answer.
-What?
-No.
You're not backing out
now she's in the bag?
Yes, l am.
What do you think'll happen
when she sees that l'm blind?
To girls, this is a defect,
and you know it. Forget it.
Come on, man.
You're a great guy.
You're good-looking.
Your defect is nothing.
You barely notice it.
Not like me,
you can see me coming in my chair.
You too! Do you have to tell
the whole truth on a first date?
''Look, dinner was nice,
but l just want to shag you''.
No, people keep their trap shut,
and so will we.
-What do l do?
-You have to get into it.
Give me a kiss.
lt's working, it's working.
She's coming over.
Corneto was right,
l know nothing about girls.
l don't know a thing.
Get up, get up!
Please! She's coming!
What?
You look stunning.
Hello. Sorry for interrupting.
-What are you doing here?
-Hello.
That's okay,
l'm with my girl.
Daisy.
Natalia, Daisy. Daisy, Natalia.
l was looking,
but l wasn't sure it was you.
Of course, honey.
-You know each other?
-Sure.
From a pilot program
with the Faculty.
How are the hormones going?
l'm so happy. Excuse me, babe.
Take a look.
l said bye-bye to that hair.
And l've got an appointment
for the sex-change.
That's great. l'm so glad.
l'm a bit worried about
the vaginaplasty.
They told me
they're turning my gland
into a clitoris.
l kind of make myself sick,
and l just don't want to know,
but look at me,
drop-dead gorgeous.
You look fantastic too, honey.
Cross my legs.
l'll look more elegant.
l need Velcro. My leg slips
and l look like Carol Burnett.
Goat, the other leg!
Look out! l'm slipping!
Take it easy, it's a rehearsal!
-We're getting better at this!
-20, 21, 22...
-What's up, Walter?
-...26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31...
...32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37...
Here's the bar! l'm the sh*t!
Now it's just like home.
-Emilio! How are you, man?
-Emilio!
-l'm fine.
-Look at his face.
He's in love.
''From the creators of
the Theft of the Lung,...''
Yeah.
''...and the director of
The Punchy Boxer,
coming to you now...
The tr*nny Tennis Player.
A Story of Love and ba*ls.
We should've told him.
-Shut up, Flash.
-You knew, didn't you?
-Yes.
-No.
-Did we know?
-Yes.
Just a wild guess,
nothing we could...
put our finger on.
lt's fine.
lt's fine.
Necrophile, violent,
now l'm seeing a tr*nny
tennis player on hormones.
-Do you know l'm called now?
-No.
The Golden Bachelor.
Oxford's Mr. Popularity.
Hannibal Lecter...
is a regular guy compared to me.
Let's face it, this is all wrong.
Genital apparatus, forget it!
The turkey, the burger,
the poontang, the muff,
with its various parts:
the bush, the jelly bean,
Miss Wrinkly, exterior and interior,
making this, in short,
the twat!
Very well,
we shall continue tomorrow.
Emilio. Emilio.
Well... l was thinking and...
Maybe you won't feel like it,
but l'll say it just in case.
Would you like to
have dinner with me tonight?
Yes, damn it.
Okay.
Okay. 9.30 at Oxford Blues.
lt's on Wellington St.
-Sorry, l couldn't find a taxi.
-Never mind.
-Shall we go inside?
-Okay.
-My family's already seated.
-Your family?
What do you mean ''your family''?
-Take a seat, Emilio.
-Sit here. Hi, honey.
-Hello.
-Do you like foie gras?
Foie gras... Sure, l love it.
Really? Help yourself.
11, 12, 13,...
Come on, champ.
50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55.
The lamp... Walter...
Here.
Where's that angelical voice?
-Flash?
-Yes.
l'm here.
Anyway, William,
it's only a cold.
Give me a hug, man.
Come on, cheer up.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Hello.
-l'm Claudia.
-How are you?
Fine.
Excuse me if l don't get up.
l pulled a muscle jogging...
-and it's still on the mend.
-Don't worry.
So you're a director, an actor...
More director than actor.
Cool, that's great.
A toast!
-Cheers!
-Cheers!
-We're going to the bathroom.
-Very well.
Let's get to it.
The night's slipping by.
Right, son... May l call you 'son'?
Yes, of course.
When did you start
penetrating corpses?
You know this place, so...
you order, l don't mind.
l like everything.
Me? Order?
-Yes.
-Yes. Sure.
Well, there are the typical dishes...
Potatoes, chicken, tomatoes...
salad, fish, cheese selection...
and side dishes.
l can guarantee everything.
Walter, one of these
and one of these... Walter?
And lots of wine, Spanish wine.
The homeland calls...
You dropped your keys.
No, don't worry,
l've got another copy.
About ''Romeo and Juliet''...
Emilio, what is this?
We're here on Operation cr*pple!
Her dad asked me
about my necrophilia.
l don't get it.
Do you guys know something?
Goat, Corneto, please...
Personally,
l'd add... some touches to the text.
You dropped your mobile.
Never mind, it's got no credit left.
Look, Natalia's philanthropic.
She helps people with problems.
You've got big problems,
and that's what we told her.
Cheer up,
her family's concerned about you.
Sure. You agree to minor charges,
like at a trial, and go with it.
But her dad asked me
when l started f*cking corpses!
Relax, they're psychiatrists,
you can't shock 'em.
lt's normal to them.
-Your disorder will attract her.
-Your trauma.
Your trauma. That's the way.
Go on, and play your cards right.
-My cards?
-Sure.
f*ck your cards.
f*ck them, Corneto.
l made a reservation.
Shall we talk over dinner?
Sure, sure.
l'll just go to the bathroom.
You ordered very well.
lt's all delicious.
l'm good at this.
Did l tell you you're beautiful?
lt's just...
Are you okay? What's wrong?
Swallow.. bones...
Drink some wine.
No, eat some bread!
lt'll push it down.
Flash, where are you going? Flash!
ls there a link
between your ''philias''?
Do you strike the corpses
when you defile them?
Your disorder will attract her.
-Your trauma. That's the way.
Do you strike them, son?
On occasion.
-On occasion.
-lt's...
-A love-tap.
-A love-tap.
A paddy-whack on the bottom.
A paddy-whack on the bottom.
''Romeo and Juliet, the Musical''.
What a great idea. We must put it on.
-Sure, sure, sure.
-Come on, a toast.
Bloody hell...
l think he wants to get past.
Okay.
Look, no! l'm not moving!
People like you here...
...with your defect, no.
Understand me?
Go to places with ''ramping''.
Get lost before l smack you.
Are you excited by fresh corpses,
or when they're putrefied?
Fresh.
Fresh.
Very fresh.
You're an insensitive prick.
Look, one thing...
You needn't be like that.
l'm a paraplegic too.
Claudia!
Go to hell, you b*stard!
Look, l've got the piss bag,
the whole shebang!
lt's true!
lt's true!
lt's true!
l can't move my legs!
We've got something, honey!
We do, damn it!
Hello!
Flash, where were you?
What happened?
Didn't you hear it?
No.
A ruckus in the bathroom.
They were picking on a blind guy
and l stepped in to sort it out.
-How about that?
-You're lovely.
Well...
l didn't have too much faith
in blind dates.
-A truer word was never said.
-Why do you say that?
Walter! Walter!
Off home are you?
What are you wearing?
l saw you, you slob!
Bloody slob!
Why did you say that?
Why else?
Because l'm blind.
The things you say, Flash.
Go on...
How can you be blind?
Right.
There was something
l was going to say.
You've gone all serious, eh?
No.
l'll make it easy for you. Okay?
lf you get up and leave,
you've got a perfect right.
l understand.
No...
Truth is,
maybe it's like you say,
l'm not ready for a relationship
with a blind person and...
maybe we should stop it now.
-Hey, guys, how are we?
-What's up?
Emilio!
How was it?
Good, l think.
-l had to get lucky sometime.
-Good going, tiger!
-l'm glad, man.
-How about you guys?
Well, good...
Kind of like you... good...
Two more dinners
and l'll be f*cking her.
l'll be f*cking her too.
Mine, l mean.
That's great, eh?
Yeah.
-Another round to celebrate!
-Let's go!
Hey, mister!
And Gibraltar for the Spanish!
So, Granddad, is there
any solution for my friend?
Look, my girl...
This boy doesn't fit any
abnormal behavioral pattern
or Steinmer's Syndrome.
What?
He has no pathology, girl.
Don't ask me why,
but it's all a lie.
What seems true, by the way
he looked at you over dinner,
is that he's in love with you.
That's the only thing for sure.
And the only diagnosis.
Okay?
Slow down, Emilio!
Stop rushing!
Where are you going?
Two of us are disabled.
To Spain.
Oxford, all this sh*t, it's over.
Emilio, it's not so bad.
-What's wrong now?
-What's wrong?
l imagined l'd sit down one day
with Natalia's parents
and call them my in-laws.
They'd ask me
what team l supported.
-You know what they asked me?
-What?
lf l came on the corpses l defiled.
-What happened?
-He pushed him over.
Grab a club and finish off
the paraplegic, you f*ck!
lf you're mad,
then tell her the truth!
The truth?
Yes.
The truth is, you're blind.
And despite your idiotic prancing,
you'll still be blind!
He's got no f*cking idea.
You dump a girl you like,
and you know why?
Because she's blind!
ldiot! You're an idiot!
No!
l pretended l could see.
l didn't want her to think
l was laughing at her!
b*stard.
b*stard.
f*cking b*stard!
Calm the f*ck down!
Emilio...
Next time, no m*therf*cker
is coming to help you.
Help me, Wheels?
You're a freak who's got
nothing outside of school,
the same as all of us.
We're the trash that sticks together.
We couldn't choose our friends.
-And this is what we got.
-That'll do, eh?
Let's calm down.
We've had a few too many.
lt's okay, we'll think of a plan.
A plan.
Why don't you find a plan
for yourself, Corneto?
Why don't you stop
screwing up my life...
and admit that you like guys?
lt's easier to screw up my life
and fill jugs up with sperm
like an as*h*le,
because so far that's all
you've done with your d*ck!
Stop! Stop! This is it!
Did we have to bring the dog?
This is digusting!
-How much is it?
-Get off!
lsn't this beautiful, Canelo?
-Get the bags out!
-This Arab's no help!
200 euros this guy
with the beard says! f*ck that!
Get a receipt,
we'll put it on our tax.
Put away the converter and pay.
The man's a Muslim.
Watch your change,
they steal from you.
Really?
More, more.
Here, and God be with you.
Or Buddha, Allah... Let's go.
-l got your number plate, lad.
-Forget it. Go on.
Put on your turban.
l'm excited about seeing the boys.
You know what my doctor said
about my hiatus hernia?
He wanted a second opinion.
My son's.
That's the way.
lf l were 30 years younger
l'd run myself ragged in Oxford.
Babycakes!
How long does the song last?
3 minutes and 30 seconds.
l only need 3 to say
what l want to say.
l'm a friend of Flash.
Do you know he records
your voice over the P.A.?
And he listens to it some nights?
No, l didn't know.
l don't know what you think,
but anyone who does that
is usually in love.
But Flash, my friends
and l are really awkward.
We make easy things hard
and take the long way round.
Do you know why?
Fear.
l do the most absurd things.
l forge files, steal lungs,
hire transvestites...
l'm capable of anything.
But my legs shake at the idea
of inviting a girl l like to coffee.
Because the day l do it
and she says no...
l won't be in love anymore.
l've been like this for 13 years.
13 years making excuses
for not telling Natalia l love her.
The only girl who ever smiled at me
without looking at the iron on me.
How much of the song is left?
40 seconds, more or less.
Now l realize l only needed
a 3 minute 30 song to tell her.
Just 3 and a half minutes.
And l've got a chorus left over.
l've even lost my friends.
l don't know what l'll do
without them.
But you can't lose Flash.
lf he takes the long way round,
go and find him...
because he's the greatest guy
in the world.
The greatest.
Where's Emilio?
He's gone to the station.
He's going back to Spain.
-To Spain?
-Yes.
At 12.40 he'll be on
the train to Hendaya.
Natalia, l don't know if
it'll be a yes or a no.
But give him an answer.
He's waited for 13 years.
Well, if he wants an answer...
l'd better give him one, right?
13 years is a long time.
And my girl's coming with me.
l want you to know one thing.
l got scared yesterday,
but l don't care if you're blind.
lf you can't see,
then l'll be your eyes.
l'll be your guide,
and we all work it out!
Give me one.
No! English food
is full of cholesterol.
Canelo, get off!
lch liebe dich. Sit.
-Your mutt's eating the sausages!
-Sit.
ln all these months
you must've met some girl.
l don't mean a girlfriend...
No, Dad.
Don't be a drag.
l haven't had a girlfriend,
a shag, nothing.
sh*t, stop bugging the kid.
l'm going to your room
for a shower.
Sure, get out of here.
Look, look, look.
Here good sausageness.
Much sausageness.
Look, nephew.
Check out those thunderthighs.
Her veins stick out.
Legs built for action.
There go the doctors.
-l'll get us a ride.
-Go on, hurry!
Kids! Kids!
l can't now, Mum.
We have to give Emilio a hand!
Come on!
Coming!
Well done, lad!
Couldn't you get something simpler,
like a snow plough,
or a harvester?
lt was the only one
with keys in it!
lt's perfect.
A double-decker bus!
We can use the bus lane!
Great! Let's go!
Who's going to drive?
Can you drive, Flash?
What the hell are you doing?
You idiot,
you don't know when to stop!
l said l'd drive and l will!
Let go of the wheel!
-You hear this as*h*le?
-Don't f*ck this up for me.
When the time comes
to tell her, l will.
But let me do this, please!
Goat, help me.
Go on.
-Come on!
-Bloody hell, Flash!
Just listen to me.
Clutch, then first gear.
lt's dead straight, 400 metres.
We're doing it, Goat!
-l'm driving, man!
-Straighten up!
Veer left!
Look out!
We're going to die!
Why are they so late?
lt's a power failure.
No one's coming on till it's fixed.
How many paces to the stage?
People will cool off and even
the Stones couldn't kickstart it.
About 10 metres.
l'm going up.
l think it's 12 metres.
No, it's 10.
Where's he going?
To the stage.
Now right, Canelo, right.
Son, what's this?
ls this semen?
Be careful!
Be careful!
We'll k*ll ourselves!
l've got it under control.
Take it easy, honey!
Everything's fine!
Dis big poof, dis little g*y...
he comes and he say...
Faderr, Faderr,
take me to di circus!
My son,
if someone wanna see you,
let him come our house,
di madefucker, son of a...!
Don't you realize
you're burning yourself out?
You drifting here on the high seas.
You're not selling
your precious bodily fluid?
-Don't leave it with kids' food.
-What a prude.
Did something happen to you here?
l don't know what it is,
but it can't be that serious.
Well...
Look, Dad, every weekend
you ask me the same thing:
Did l get laid?
Did l get a girlfriend?
And it's always no.
l was sending out signals.
But only when your best friend
tells you you're a poof
do you get the ba*ls to be one.
That's what happened, Dad.
See how it wasn't that serious?
Lots of people are g*y these days.
You b*stard!
You're a clever one.
ln this world, gays get laid
more than anyone.
Dong, butthole, p*ssy,
as long as you bake the cookies.
-Oh, shut up.
-Excuse me.
Your friend in the wheelchair.
ls he disabled?
Wheels? His whole life.
Do you know where he is?
l think so.
Damn it, now he's gone poof,
he takes girls for a ride.
Leave the kid alone.
Let's go.
What is this?
This is a snail's pace!
Step on it or we won't make it!
Look straight ahead.
l feel much safer.
Stop! Stop! The scooter!
Corneto's here with Wheels' girl!
The one with the limp!
-Who limps?
-Wheels' girl!
l had to talk to you.
Relax.
Let's go in back and talk.
l'm sorry. l'm sorry.
l'm sorry.
sh*t...
Guys, l've got one thing to say.
l like the Hershey Highway.
Flash, what are you doing?
Let someone else drive!
Let someone else drive.
l got us this far.
The road here is terrible.
-l'll drive.
-Get going.
Here l go.
The carriage is mine, my Queen.
Emilio!
l heard your speech.
The whole Faculty heard it.
The mike was on.
l always thought you were
the nicest guy in the class.
l don't know about nice...
But l've got more to offer
than it seems.
-You're leaving, aren't you?
-Yes.
l've been offered another job.
Technical engineer for spaces,
cabinets and refrigerators.
Whatever stacking shelves
in Carrefour requires.
How about you?
l might be leaving this summer
to go to Harvard.
The best oncologists are there.
You go to Harvard...
and l go to Carrefour.
Well then...
if you come back to Spain
one day and drop by...
l'll put aside
some expired yogurts for you.
That stuff about them
going off is an urban legend.
See you, Natalia.
l'm sorry. l'm really sorry.
l swear, l had no idea
you were disabled.
Take it easy. lt's alright.
Let it all out.
l couldn't imagine you laughing
at your misfortune.
You're an example of
overcoming adversity,
and treating you like that
was just terrible.
Come here. Come here.
Take it easy.
lt's alright.
Emilio got on the train.
He got on the train.
He got on.
Don't let him get away.
Go on, run.
Run!
l forgot something.
That thing over the P.A.
was a kind of declaration.
Wasn't it?
Then l have to give you an answer.
lt's the done thing.
lf that didn't make it clear...
that l like you...
though you do have problems...
l don't...
Corpses give me the creeps.
Goat, what happened?
-What is it?
-Oh, Flash...
sh*t, tell me! l'm blind!
He's giving her a huge kiss,
the b*stard!
A big sloppy one!
He's suckin' face bigtime!
-Go, Emilio!
-Go!
Go, Natalia!
We're in Oxford now,
but they'll be at it till Cambridge.
Let's go before Scotland Yard
comes after us.
And Camila Parker too!
lt's all your fault, Canelo.
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Star Kid (1998)
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