Can of Worms (1999)

[bunniefuu]

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Thunderclap ]

Fellow citizens of the galaxy,
I do not belong on this planet.

I am one of you. I am
being held against my will,

my potential to realize
a happy and fulfilled life...

nullified by the ignorant
and cruel indigenous
population of Earth.

You must save me.

Take me away from this.

Desperately in need
of your assistance,

Mike Pillsbury.

[ Beeping ]

[ Pulsating ]

[ Beeping ]

Yes !

Yes. Yes,
come and get me !

[ Birds Chirping ]

[ Mike ] The Hanzels
were a peaceful race.

They were little pink people
with long pointy ears,

and they lived on a planet
far beyond the Milky Way.

A planet with two moons
and a purple sun.

There was no w*r,
no-- no hunger.

Nothing to be
ticked off about...

until the day
the Jongs attacked !

Thousands of spaceships
bristling with-- with
force fields and weapons...

surrounded the planet !

The Hanzels looked up !
They knew nothing would
ever be the same !

They knew most of them
would be doomed !

- Doomed ?
- Do-o-o-o-med !

Wh-What happened ?

The Hanzels were unprepared
and quickly overrun.
There was blind panic !

- The parents tried to
save their children !
- This is too sad.

It gets worse !

- [ Sighs ]
- Wh-What happened ?
You can’t stop now !

Oh, I don’t know
if you can take it, Jay.
This is hard stuff.

Tell it anyway !

They say a person’s life
flashes before their eyes
before their final moment.

The father thought
of his family, and then--

- [ Gasps ]
- Where to go ? What to do ?

Only one thought screamed out
in the mother’s brain--

- Save the baby !
- Yes, yes, save the baby !

[ Computer Beeping ]

Oh, come on, Mike.
Is she gonna die ?

I told you
it was gonna get bad.

- You’re giving the guy
a mental breakdown.
- I admit it.

It’s a good story, isn’t it ?
He thinks so.

Oh, yeah, sure.
What a judge.

He thinks the back
of a cereal box
is like Shakespeare.

Shut up !
Do they die, the Hanzels ?

- Did you k*ll them ?
- Ah, it’s never that simple.

[ Jay ]
A space pod !

Yes, a space pod.

If the baby was to live,
it had to be sent away
to a new home, a new planet.

- Where does it land ?
- Here on Earth.

The boy will be adopted
and raised as an earthling.

But... he’ll never
really feel at home.

He’ll never--

He’ll never feel
like he belongs.

He’ll never feel as though
this is the place he was
meant to spend his life.

I’ll tell you something.
You take this being weird thing
entirely too seriously.

Why don’t you just accept
the fact that you’re a normal
human being like everyone else ?

All right. All right.

[ Man ]
Mike, let’s go !

Mike ? Come on.
Come on. We got to get
to the field by 4:00.

All right.
One second, Dad.

[ Rolling Thunder ]

- Easy for him to say.
- Well, he was on the team
when he was a kid.

Yeah, and guys like
Scott Schriebner probably
ran him over then,

just like
they do to you now.

Well, he says it’s discipline,
competitive spirit.

He says it’ll be good
for my character.

[ Groans ]

[ Crowd Chattering ]

Great defense work,
Pillsbury.

Tell me, is the idea
that the oncoming tackle
trips over you ?

In the excitement,
I missed that, Schriebner.
Did he ?

No, you missed him.
They got a first down !

- [ Cheerleaders ] Go, Arts, go !
- [ Scoffs ]

Go, Arts !
Go, Arts, go !

Go...

Arts, go !

Come on !

Oh, and get your mind
off the cheerleaders,
Pillsbury.

For you,
that’s a lost cause.

Go !

- Let’s go !
- All right, let’s go. Let’s go !

[ Announcer On P.A. ]
Nash is in the huddle.

And he calls it.

Steps back in the pocket.

Looking for his man.

It’s a long toss
down the center of the field !

- [ Boy ] Get him !
- Heavy coverage.

And an interception by number--
by number 11.

Mike Pillsbury ?
He’s going to the 30.

The 40, the 50.
He’s going downfield, folks !

- Oh !
- [ Growling ]

- He’s doubling back.
He’s going the wrong way !
- What is he doing ?

- [ All ] Huh ?
- Mike Pillsbury is going
the wrong way !

- Back to the 20.
- This is bad, right ?

- Isn’t he going the wrong way ?
- Oh, God !

Pillsbury, stop !
You idiot, you’re running
the wrong way !

- [ Opponents Yelling ]
- Aah !

[ Announcer ]
He’s down at the ten.

Come on.
Let’s get down there.

- [ Whistle Blows ]
- What’s wrong ?

[ Groaning ]

What planet are you from ?

No !
Don’t let them get me !

- [ Growls ]
- Oh, they want my brain !
They want my brain !

I think they
already took it.

How’s he doing ?
Is he going to be all right ?

Okay, let’s go.

Is he dead ?
Can I have his CD collection ?

Oh, he’s not dead.
Are you, son ?
No, you’re not.

- You will learn
from your mistakes.
- We’re awfully proud of you.

[ Dad ]
While that cannot be
overemphasized, Mike,

you’ll never claim your varsity
jacket by trying to score
touchdowns for the other team.

Remember the three L’s:
listen, look, learn.

Huh ? [ Laughs ]
Good luck, son.
We love you.

- [ Groaning ]
- [ Whistle Blows ]

[ Mike ] Make a correction
27 degrees west,
35 degrees north.

Mike ? Mike ! Honey.

Mike, can I get
a little airtime here ?

Oh, yeah, sure, Mom.
Cancel correction.

[ Beeping ]

No, not yet.

- Okay, we got it vectored.
Yeah, I see a picture.
- ♪♪ [ Polka ]

Now is he seeing
the same image I am ?

Good. Well, okay, but
before you patch him through,

let’s make sure we’re on
the same page with this, okay ?

Yeah. Yeah.

No, it’s nothing
that subtitles won’t solve.

- Hi, Mom.
- Yeah. Okay, well,
put him through.

Hi, sweetie.

Hello.
Hier ist Pamela.

[ Speaking German ]

♪♪ [ TV, Continues ]

How’s your head ?

You’re inquiring
about my welfare ?

No, just the health
of your head.

What do you want, Jill ?

I could have guessed.

Come on. I need to pass
this computer class.

What is
a bio service routine ?

A bio service routine
is nothing more than
an interrupt handler.

Basically, PCs are controlled
by the use of interrupts.

When an interrupt occurs,
the control of the computer...

is transferred to an interrupt
handling subroutine process...

that’s often stored
in the system’s ROM,
a bio service routine.

- Are you sure ?
- Does a tesseract exist
in four dimensions ?

You are definitely
from another planet.

Ha ha. Fantastic.

Okay, rise and shine,
AT&T.

And how are we today ?

[ Oinking ]

Mike ! Mike,
are you in there ?

- Huh ?
- I just went from stocks
to stockyards.

- What gives ?
- Oh, sorry.

I needed the extra RAM for
a little programming project.

I’m using this new graphics card
that I tweaked a bit,

and now it just eats up memory
like a gulper eel.

- Ooh.
- Son, you need more fresh air.

I’m gonna climb out
from under the office,
and you and I,

we’re gonna practice
some football moves,
huh ?

Uh, Dad,

Dad, um...

I don’t know about
football anymore.

Maybe it’s not for me.

Mike, I don’t wanna hear
the word "can’t."

- Did I say "can’t" ?
- I have faith in you.

No, no.
You can do anything
you put your mind to,

including running downfield
as a halfback.

Hopefully,
in the right direction.

- Thanks, Dad. I know,
but I just don’t think it’s--
- No buts about it.

"Anything," Mike.
That’s the word
for the day.

- "Anything."
- Okay, "anything."

"Anything."

So, how about running off
those farm animals and giving
me back my stock market ?

Sure.

[ Sighs ]

- [ Bell Rings ]
- [ Chattering ]

- Ow !
- Amazing. A physical reaction.

He’s alive.

Scott Schriebner,
big man on campus.

Muscles, good-looking athlete,
computer whiz-- how perfect
can a guy get ?

- Oh, it’s nauseating.
- Yeah, too bad
he’s a perfect jerk.

Everybody, boot up !

Ms. Nickerson.

There’s a seat here
for you if you want.

- Um, no thanks.
- What are you doing ?

- Is someone sitting here ?
- No.

[ Nickerson ]
Open your textbooks...

to page 2-6-8, paragraph five.

Now please.

[ Beeping ]

You’re gonna let him
get away with that ?

Yes, do it, Mike.
Make him suffer.

- [ Computer Beeping ]
- [ Computer Voice ]
You have mail.

Oh... my.

Class, it appears...

that I have to attend
to something in the office.

If you’ll excuse me.

[ Laughter ]

Now for the coup de grace.

- ♪♪ [ "Old MacDonald
Had A Farm" ]
- [ Oinking, Squealing ]

- [ Snorting ]
- [ Laughter ]

♪♪ [ "Old MacDonald
Had A Farm" ]

- It’s your head.
- [ All Laughing ]

That’s good, Mike !

[ Mike ] As cruel
and wicked as the Jong were,
they were not without friends.

And the Mantix, who resembled
overgrown sewer rats,
were their allies.

Rats ? Ew-w-w-w !

On orders from the Jongs,
the Mantix invaded.

Not from the sky,
but from the ground
under our feet !

Whoa !

The intruders were unarmed,
except for the nasty mucous
glands in their pointed snouts.

They slimed us
into submission.

That is so nasty !

With everything else
you’ve stuffed in this place,

you think you would have
installed a stupid phone.

- It’s designed for privacy.
- Uh, you’ve got a visitor.
Katelyn... somebody.

- [ Scoffs ] Yeah, right.
- You wish, Mike.

Fine. Be that way.
I don’t care.

Oh, um, she’s waiting
in your room.

Man, your sister has
a sick sense of humor.

Right. Like--
Like Katelyn Sandman’s...

gonna come to my house
and wait in my room.

And Scott Schriebner’s
on his way to ask for
your advice...

on how to be a better
football player.

But you’re
an interesting person.
What if she really is there...

waiting...
for her story ?

A story.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, okay.

Hi.

Hey. It’s like
Frankenstein’s lab in here.
Did you build all these ?

It’s kinda what I do
in my spare time.

When you’re
not playing football.

I’m better at stuff
when I’m on my own.

The whole team thing
kind of confuses me,
I guess.

I noticed.
What does this do ?

This ? Uh,
it’s a transmitter.

Kind of.
It takes digitalized data
right through here--

like anything from a computer--
and it sends it out instantly.

Zap ! Right out
into space to the farthest
reaches of the universe,

beyond time and imagination.

Wow ! How did you
think of that ?

Thinking of it’s easy.
Making it work seems to be
a bit more complicated.

Sure looks like it’d work.

So, uh,
wh-why are you here ?

Oh. The prank you pulled
in Nickerson’s class
was brilliant.

- It got me thinking.
- About what ?

I’m doing the decorations
for the Halloween dance.

I don’t have a huge budget
or anything,

but I know if I just put up
orange crepe paper,
it’ll be a dud.

So, I want something new.
Something...
high tech, creative.

You’re the man
to help me do it.

The man ?
I am ? Me ?

W-Wow !
The-- The man.

Yeah, I’ll-- Why not ?
Definitely. Absolutely.

So that mean’s yes ?

Yes !
[ Chuckles ]

[ Chattering ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

- You’re a genius.
- It’s gonna work.

- We make such a great team.
- Who’d have thought ?

What do you mean ?
What’s so surprising about it ?

I don’t know.
You’re, you know,

Katelyn Sandman,
head cheerleader
and everything.

And I’m just...
Mike Pillsbury.

You know,
for being such a genius,
you sure are an idiot.

Some people say
you tell great stories.

When are you gonna
tell me one ?

Uh, no, no, no.
That’s-- That’s--
That’s nothing.

That’s just stuff I tell
my friend’s little brother
to pass the time.

Well, I’ve got
some time now.

Okay.
[ Nervous Chuckle ]

Um...

Our spaceship was over
a mile long and half that wide.

It was built
for a long journey.

The adults
always looked ahead
for a safe voyage...

- and behind for the evil...
- [ Clattering ]

Schriebner.

Been looking all over for you,
Katelyn. Bunch of us are
on our way out to eat.

- You wanna come ?
- Yeah, sure.

Let’s take a break.
Come on. You must be hungry.

Did I invite him ?
I don’t think so.

Hey, who said I’d go with
you anyway, Schriebner ?

I’m busy, you know ?
I don’t have time
like you....

to stuff myself
with some greasy hamburger.

But, you know, go ahead.
Put on a few.
Clog up your arteries.

Graduate from halfback
to fullback.

Shut up, Pillsbury.
What are you doing
with this guy ?

- What is all this junk ?
- Hey, it’s not junk, okay ?

- And it’s all under control
without you.
- Hey. Hey !

Tell everyone I say hi.
Okay ?

Nothing like
the dreaded Schriebner
to get your blood boiling, huh ?

- What ?
- Nothing.

Nothing. Just-- Just--

Schriebner. I would have
thought you’d have gone,

but-- but you didn’t.

Forget it.
I should probably
stop speaking right now.

Well, I agree.
You should stop speaking.

You know,
strangely enough,
I’m hungry.

You know, strangely enough,
so am I.

- Let’s go.
- All right.

- Whoa !
- Shut up.

Katelyn ropes Pillsbury
into helping her
on this stupid dance.

All of a sudden,
he’s got a swelled head.

It’s time to cut him
down to size if you ask me.

And...

I think...

I know how.

Oh, yeah.

- Ooh, great tuxedo !
- Thanks.

I’ve seen it all.
He is soldering
his cummerbund.

- Shut up.
- Uh, kids, please.

You know, your mother and I
realized something.

In all the chaos
of our day-to-day life,

we never sent you
to dance lessons.

- [ Mom ] Mm-hmm.
- Dad, I don’t think--

This is a little something
that I distributed
to a chain of stations...

throughout the Canary Islands
and for closed circuit
on cruise ships.

Ten Easy Lessons.

♪♪ [ Humming Tango ]

Oh, boy.

So, lights
on a cummerbund.

- You like it ?
- Pretty nifty.

- [ Clamoring ]
- Mike ?

- Mike, where are you ?
- Katelyn, Katelyn,
I’m here. I’m here !

Mike, hey !
Quick, we don’t have
much time. Let’s go !

It’ll only take a minute
to boot up.

- Okay.
- All right. Okay.

Put this on.

Mike,
before all this begins,

I just want to say
that I had so much fun
doing this with you.

Me too.

So, can you put this thing
on autopilot so we have
a chance to dance ?

Actually, that’s just a matter
of two keystrokes.

- Okay. Hurry.
- Right.

[ Computer Beeps ]

Testing. Testing.
Testing, testing, testing.
Check. Check.

Okay, turn the speaker
on six, right. All right.

Um, that should be okay.
Oh, there’s the CDs.
Right. Okay.

- [ Chuckles ]
- Shh !

- ♪♪ [ Fanfare ]
- We’re ready.

Everybody, come on in.

Welcome, everyone.
Welcome to the Ashby
Annual Halloween Dance.

A moment before we begin.
Quiet. Quiet, please.

This production
was brought to you
by Mike Pillsbury’s...

Star Field
Intergalactic Communications
and Entertainment Corporation.

That’s me. As well as
the talented and inspirational,
Katelyn Sandman,

- [ Cheering ]
- who first came up
with the idea...

that orange crepe paper
just wouldn’t make it.

[ Applause, Cheering ]

And now,
let the games begin.

♪♪ [ Dance ]

♪♪ [ Indistinct ]

♪♪ [ Rap, Indistinct ]

♪ Rock the place till the place
gets loose, fresh one
the house transmission ♪

♪ Everybody
write your decision ♪

♪ Peace and equality
Let’s stay together
Let’s live in harmony ♪

♪ All alone
and I’m bad to the bone ♪

Push the button.
Oh, please, push the button.

♪ Feel the beat ♪

♪♪ [ Stops ]

- Mike, what’s happening ?
- I don’t know what’s wrong.

♪♪ [ Distorted ]

- Mike !
- I can’t stop it !

[ Girls Screaming ]

I-I don’t know
what’s wrong !

♪♪ [ Extremely Fast ]

Oh !
I’ve got it !

Mrs. Nickerson, don’t !

Mrs. Nickerson, don’t !

[ Laughter ]

Hey.

Mike, no.
Hey, it’s okay.

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

[ Thunderclap ]

Fellow citizens of the galaxy,
I do not belong on this planet.

I am one of you. I am
being held against my will,

my potential to realize
a happy and fulfilled life...

nullified by the ignorant
and cruel indigenous
population of Earth.

You must save me.

Take me away from this.

Desperately in need
of your assistance,

Mike Pillsbury.

[ Beeping ]

[ Beeping ]

Yes !

Yes. Yes,
come and get me !

Will someone
just listen for once ?

[ Dad ]
Okay, let’s look at
the positive.

- Insurance will cover
the destroyed satellite dish.
- [ Mom ] Uh-huh.

- You’re still alive.
- And none of the kids
at the dance were hurt.

[ Mike ]
I just can’t face anybody.

- [ Mom ] Oh.
- [ Dad ]
Mike, you’re overreacting.

Excuse me.
It’s good that he suffers.

This family is now reduced
to a paltry choice of
ordinary network programming.

That’s true, but somehow
I know we’ll survive.

Mike, I want you to get
right back up on that horse,
put on those pants,

- brush those teeth,
go back to school.
- That’s it, hon.

- Your varsity jacket awaits.
- [ Mom ] Absolutely.

The least you could do
is help me with my homework.

The speed of train "A"
is 12 miles an hour slower
than train "B."

- Train "A"--
- Jill, I’ve lost
my will to solve.

Sorry.

[ Chattering ]

Um... what ?

Nothing.

[ Sighs ]

What the--

Uh... hey !

Where did you come from ?

How did you
get in here, boy ?

Please don’t touch.
My people are a superior race,

and we abhor casual contact
with primitives.

- You talk ?
- Through my translating
device, yes.

This is not happening.
My mind has finally snapped.

I’m afraid you’re quite sane
and gifted with an abundant
intelligence.

- You do talk.
- Otherwise, you wouldn’t have
been able to open the door.

- Door ?
- The "stargate."

Allow me
to introduce myself.

I am Barnabus
from the star system Puppis.

- Oh, boy.
- I represent a galactarian
organization--

disaster relief,
rights violations.

Nonprofit, of course.

I’m hallucinating !
If you’ll excuse me,
I think I’ll go lie down.

But that’s impossible,
Mike Pillsbury, we have to go.

- Go where ?
- Off this planet.

- Off this planet ?
- That was your intention,
wasn’t it,

- when you sent the message ?
- You got it ?

Of course. And the longer
we delay the departure,

the more complex
it all becomes.

Well, I really appreciate
you coming all this way and all,
but I don’t believe you exist.

I gotta go.

Mike Pillsbury, you were the one
who pleaded that you were
trapped on an oppressive planet.

- How did you get down here ?
- Don’t delay, Mike Pillsbury.

Others from all over the galaxy
are travelling through the gate
to find you.

- They won’t have
your best interests at heart.
- Excuse me.

Please, trust no one
but me.

Be ready to leave
the next time I see you.

I’m delirious
or maybe I’m just hungry.

Ahh !

[ Beeping ]

What stinks ?

Oh ! Eww !

- [ Grunting ]
- [ Screams ]

[ Panting ] I’m dreaming.
I’m dreaming. I’m--

- [ Grunts ]
- Not dreaming.

[ Groaning, Chuckles ]

Yes.
[ Chuckles ]

What... are you ?

I am the Bom.
Your new best friend.

[ Chuckles ]
You need my help,
Mike Pillsbury.

And I’ve come
to handle your case.

- Case ? What-- What case ?
- I can get you millions
in galactic credits.

You will be taken care of
for life.

[ Chuckles ]

Shall we... go ?

- What ?
- Hmm ?

[ Laughing ]

- W-Well, uh--
- [ Phone Rings ]

- [ Gasps ]
- Excuse me.

- [ Phone Continues Ringing ]
- Hello ?

- Mike, it’s Katelyn.
- Katelyn, uh,

- Oh !
- What a surprise !
I thought you-- we--

- What’s up ?
- I wanted to apologize.
We need to lighten up.

- We’re taking this too hard.
- Yes, right,
we gotta lighten up.

I can do that.

I’m so sorry.
It seems we can’t even
talk to each other.

Things have gotten
so out of hand.

That’s what made me
make this phone call, but
what happened wasn’t your fault.

The more I think of it,
it must have been sabotage.

- Disgusting !
- Mike ?

I’m here. Sorry.
What were you saying ?

I was saying that I haven’t
been very fair to you.

- And I wanted to get past
all this and move ahead.
- [ Grumbling ]

You know,
you’re a great guy.

- [ Katelyn Continues,
Indistinct ]
- [ Straining ]

- [ Sighs ]
- Mike ?

[ Belches ]

- [ Yelling ]
- Mike, are you there ?

- Mike ? Mike !
- Oh, that stinks !

- What are you talking about ?
- Stop it !

- What ?
- No, no, no, no,
it’s not you.

Mike, you’re not
making this any easier.

It’s, uh, a plumber !
A plumber !

Yeah, the bathroom’s
all backed up. It’s--

- Gross.
- Yeah.

I wanted to say that I miss you,
and I hope there’s some way
we can be friends again.

- I think we had something good
going on.
- [ Growling ]

...the funnier it is to me
and the less I care.

- [ Grumbling ]
- So, what do you say ?

-Oh, that’s nauseating !
-Mike, are you listening to me ?

Sorry. Sorry.
Uh, go on, Katelyn.

Well, I wanted to know
if we could start over ?

But I don’t get the feeling
that you’re paying attention
to me at all.

What is happening over there ?
[ Continues, Indistinct ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Mike Screaming ]

- I’m gonna be sick !
- Forget I called !

[ Dial Tone ]

You wrecked my phone call !

Ah, that was delicious.

- Do you have any more ?
- No !

Oh. Well, perhaps
it will make you
feel better to know...

that I am what
you earthlings call a lawyer.

What ?

Perhaps it will make
you feel better to know you have
an open-and-shut case...

against the Earth government.

- What are you talking about ?
- Lawsuit, my dear boy.

The intergalactic statute
is black and white.

No life-form
of superior intelligence...

shall be subject
to exposure to substandard--
don’t touch --

environmental, psychological...

or emotional life circumstance.

In short, we can sue the pants
off of planet Earth.
[ Laughs ]

No, no, no.
I don’t wanna sue anybody.

See, see, I was upset,
and I had this idea...

that I’d call for help,
but I-I never thought--

You never thought what ?

[ Sighs ]

I never thought you guys
would really come.

Well, we did.

And no one will offer you
a better fee structure
than myself.

Well, sorry, but--

but no.

You think you’re sorry now.

Wait till you hear
from my lawyers.

I’m suing you
for wasting my time.
Hmm !

[ Belches ]

Eww !

Okay,
what’s the big surprise ?

- Hey, come on in.
- Eww, who barfed ?

Oh, no, no, no, no,
it’s not barf.
See ? It’s an emission.

- From whose nose ?
- Oh, no, no, no, no,
he got my message.

See, I had a visitor.
He called himself a Bom.
He was an alien.

Oh, oh, and there’s
Barnabus. He looks like
a dog, but he’s not a dog.

He’s an alien too.
He had this, uh, this--

- [ Laughing ]
- What ?

What ?

You puked up your room,
and now you gotta
make up a story.

It’s not a story !
Come on. He was here.
He used a stargate.

Oh. That’s an original.

Yeah, yeah, it looked
just like a drainpipe.

Just right out of there.

- A drainpipe.
- Yeah !

Yeah !

Oh, no, no, no, no.
I’m not lying.
It’s the truth.

Come on.
You gotta believe me !

You got me worried, man.

It’s gotten so bad that you
can’t tell the difference...

between real life
and your own imagination.

No. No, no, Nick. Come on.
Give me some slack.

I wouldn’t make this up.
Come on, Nick !
Don’t, don’t go, Nick !

See you guys tomorrow, okay ?
And we’ll make some plans
for what to do next weekend.

- Thanks for helping us.
- Thanks for coming.

If you happen to see Kathy,
tell her to call me, okay ?

- We will.
- I’ll tell her. I won’t forget.

Thanks.

[ Car Engine Starts ]

- Bye.
- See you tomorrow.

Mike Pillsbury,
I don’t mean to nag,
but we’ve really got to go.

I-I can’t just
take off in a spaceship
for some distant planet.

I freaked out
at sleep-away camp.
Sorry.

Mike Pillsbury,
I don’t understand you.

Why are you walking off
right when we need to talk ?
That doesn’t make any sense.

You sent out a galactic-wide
call for help without
having thought it through.

I’m-- I’m sorry.
Kids feel desperate sometimes.

Then I got some--
some talking dog and
some slime-bucket alien lawyer.

- I don’t even know
how this happened.
- What lawyer ?

He said he was a Bom.

The Bom ? The Bom
was here already ?
Oh, I was afraid of this.

Mike Pillsbury, you have
opened up a can of worms.

Can of worms ?

When you sent out your call,
you also signaled
to the universe...

- that this planet has advanced to
a certain technological level.
- That’s good !

That’s bad.
Because of what you’ve done,

Earth no longer falls
under the intergalactic
protection for primitive life.

Oh, no, no, no.
You don’t understand.
The whole thing was an accident.

Lightning hit the dish.
I don’t even know
how it really worked, okay ?

But it did, and no one
will believe that you had
no control over it.

I can see what your life
has become.

You’re disgusted,
fed up with people.

I can take you to a place
where you can be yourself,
be by yourself.

Maybe that’s not
such a bad idea.

But first, I have to
tie up some loose ends.

I’d like to say good-bye
to someone if you don’t mind.

The girl ?
If you must.

I’ll return when you’re ready.

Katelyn, could I talk
to you for a minute ?

Katelyn !

I tried calling you
to make things right,
and you were rude.

- No, no, no, that wasn’t me.
That was--
- You were rude and disgusting.

- I’m sorry, but--
- I don’t understand
how you could come here.

What could you possibly want ?

A second chance.

Please ?

I’ll be down in a second, but,
Mike, this is your last chance.

[ Gasps ]

How do you do ?

I wonder if you could spare
a few moments of your time ?

I have an interesting
proposition for you.

I would like to be your agent
and represent you for all
media throughout the galaxy,

- Mike Pillsbury.
- [ Katelyn ] Mike ?

- [ Chuckles ] Excuse me.
- Let her go !
What did you do ?

Ah, don’t worry.
She’ll be fine. We need to
go somewhere more, uh,

[ Clears Throat ]
private.

[ Grunts ]
Let me go !

Not until you hear
my proposition !

Sorry. Had to do that.
You know, I just love
a c*ptive audience.

Going up. Whoo-hoo !

- So, the story is classic.
- [ Grunts ]

Young boy gifted
with superior intelligence,

but alone in life,
reaches out.

He’s carried to another world
where he must start anew.

An emigrant
of galactic proportions !

Your character will be
a unique creature...

carving out a new life
on a world light-years
from his home.

Will he return ?
Will he find love,
redemption ?

- All stories
must have redemption.
- Stop it !

- Huh ?
- [ Breathing Heavily ]

All right.
What do you want ?

If we marry with the proper
creative elements,

I think your life has a good
chance of being a springboard
for a weekly series.

There’s no end
to the episodes--

- What are you talking about ?
- Predicaments, twists, turns,

fish out of water,
boy away from home.

And I love the emotional levels.
Of course, it’s not worth
anything without emotion.

- It’s gotta hit where it hurts.
Mike, can we talk ?
- Will you shut up ?

That’s what I like to see.
Feisty !

You’ll need that
for this business, kid.
I happen to have papers.

An option, you know, to protect
my own time and energy.

Aah ! Not the eyes.

- Watch it ! Ow ! Ooh !
- You’re messing everything up !

- Will you put me back
on the porch ?
- Stop that or I’ll fictionalize !

Well, if you feel
that way about it.

[ Scoffs ]
Whoa !

Ow.

Mike ?

Katelyn !

Katelyn !

[ Mom ] Mike, honey,
aren’t you hungry ?
You haven’t eaten a thing.

Mom, Dad... would you
tell me if I were adopted ?

Is everything all right ?
You look stressed out.

- Well, would you ?
- [ Mom ] You’re not adopted.

Even if you were adopted,
we would love you just as much.

- "If" ?
- You’re not adopted.
He’s not adopted.

- You told me he’s adopted.
- Jill, stop it.

Sure you did. Admit it.
The guy came from another
planet and you took him in.

- Jill !
- Right away they took you
to a plastic surgeon...

to get rid of
your antennae.

Jill, what do we say
about empathy ?

Okay.

Well, could I have been
switched at the hospital ?

[ Jill ] Sure.
It’s entirely possible.

In fact, the day you
were born, the hospital was
inundated with ugly babies.

- Jill.
- They couldn’t tell one
from another.

- Jill, please.
- He’s going through
separation anxiety.

The classic adolescent struggle
to pull away from one’s parents.

Mike, honey,

why would you think
you were switched at birth ?

I will be happy to show you
your birth certificate.

And, yes, you are
a human being.

I wouldn’t jump
to conclusions.

Hey, Mike !
Mike, it’s me, Nick.
Remember me ?

- Oh, hey. Sorry.
- You’re a wreck.

Well, it’s been hard to sleep
with everything that’s
been going on.

- What’s been going on ?
- Aliens.

- Oh, aliens.
- Come on. I told you.

Have I ever told you
about my Uncle Luther ?

He was convinced that a martian
took up residence in the tank
of his toilet.

That’s entirely possible.

Yeah, but if everyone else
looked in the toilet tank
and saw plumbing,

- what does that make
Uncle Luther ?
- I’m not crazy.

You need a vacation.

Hang in there.
Thanksgiving’s
not that far away.

By that time,
it’ll probably be light-years.

Have you heard anything
I’ve said about the value
of reality ?

- [ Thunderclap ]
- [ All Talking At Once ]

Cut to the chase !
You need a friend, Pillsbury,

to tell you you’re making
a terrible mistake...

in leaving planet Earth.

- ’Cause I’d like to give you
the exclusive franchise...
- I know !

to market the one,
the only, Jarmonica.

What does it do, you may ask ?
You can slice with it,

you can dice with it,
you can grate any vegetable
in the known universe.

Don’t let him dice you up.
The point is to dice
someone else up.

[ Chuckles ]
Make someone pay.

Hey, the show
is just beginning.

We’ll diversify
into merchandising.

You’ll be Earth’s
primary franchisee !

Silk screen T-shirts.
Your face on
breakfast cereal boxes.

Wanna go out on a date ?
It would be lots of fun.

It must be contagious.
I’ve lost my mind,
just like you.

We’d have a great time.
Let’s cruise Andromeda.

Your signature would
ratify our agreement.
Please, sign, sign, sign !

You’ll be rich
beyond your wildest dreams.

- [ Chuckling ]
- I can’t believe this.

I’m just one big
opportunity for you.

- Yeah.
- Huh ?
- Huh ?

[ Bom ]
Well, isn’t that more than
what you have here on Earth ?

Now, you said
no one cares. I care.

There’s no reason
we can’t include a clause...

calling for biannual audits
to protect your interest.

We’re not leaving
until we get an answer.

Just remember,
coming with me
would be a big blast.

- Don’t try to interfere
with my client !
- Your client ?

Mike Pillsbury is my client.

[ Alien ] Don’t listen
to old salad head over there.
He’s clearly not for you.

I just can’t wait to show
Mikey the galaxies.

[ Aliens Chattering ]

Mike, come on back, baby.
Come on. I’ve got a deal
that will set you up for life.

- Barnabus, where are you ?
- Come on, Mike.

I’m holding each
and every one of you
personally responsible.

You just let one great client
walk right out the door,
and I can’t stand it.

Money-back guarantee.

[ Arguing Continues ]

[ Nick ] This is insane.
You can’t do this.

Come on. At least wait
until your parents get back.

Come on, Mike.
Don’t go through with this.

Mike. Mike !

The aliens are right.
I have to face this.
I was never meant to live here.

At least in another world,
I can make a new life.

[ Knock At Door ]

I think this is yours.

- Thank you.
- Y-You drive me crazy.

First, you make more sense
than anybody I’ve ever known
in my life,

- and then you don’t make
any sense at all.
- I’ve had a lot on my mind.

And... in a few minutes,
I’ll be leaving for
another planet.

Oh, another planet.
You are too much !

Look. There’s a group
of aliens in my backyard,

and all I have to do
is close a deal and I’m off.

I wish I could tell you
he was a lunatic, but I--

- What else could he be ?
- Katelyn ?

I’m sorry about the dance.

I’m sorry too.

For a while,
you gave me a feeling
that no one else ever did.

What was that ?

That I belonged here.

Good-bye, Katelyn.

[ Alien ]
I’m holding each and every one
of you personally responsible.

[ Aliens Arguing ]

Okay, guys.
Let’s work it out.

Who’s it gonna be ?
Who’s the lucky alien today ?

[ Alien ]
Have a look at that !

I think you’ll find it’s
very well thought out and covers
all the points we discussed.

That’s the certificate
of authorship.

It’s ironclad.
Don’t worry.

It’ll be fun, Mikey.
My parents would just die.

And don’t forget,
Mike Pillsbury,
I can make you,

and your sidekick there,
household names throughout
the known galaxies.

And my fee ? Well, only a small
30 percent of your earnings.

Ignore this charlatan !
Sign with me,

and you’ll be making
the universe a better place.

Bringing the joys
of the one, the only,

Jarmonica,
to billions of beings.

I don’t even know
what a Jarmonica is !

Why, it’s your future,
Mike Pillsbury.

You would be wise,
young Pillsbury,

to have me broker any deals
you make with those two.

[ Scoffs ]
Or anyone else.

For your own protection,
of course.

- What are you saying ?
- I resent that.

[ All Arguing At Once ]

- Can’t we all just get along ?
- Mike Pillsbury.

Barnabus,
where have you been ?

A refugee disaster
near Alpha Centauri.
Very nasty.

A talking dog ?
Oh, my gosh.

You must listen to me.

You’ll have to live
with this decision
for the rest of your life.

- Mike.
- Katelyn.

I wanted to make sure
you’re okay.

[ expl*si*n ]

[ Aliens All Talking At Once ]

A Thoad.
Run for the hills !

[ Screams ]

Never mind.

What-- What was that ?
Aliens ?

From all over the galaxy.

Uncle Luther was right.

- We should have listened.
- Why did they run ?

A Thoad ! The worst worm
is about to crawl out of the can
you opened up, Mike Pillsbury.

He’ll find
the choicest specimens
and snatch them.

And then he’ll tell
his friends. More and
more Thoads will come,

and more and more specimens
will be snatched.

It’s always my fault !
I can’t stand it !

I never thought
the thing would work.

If the beam was truly
a result of an accident
and not superior intelligence,

we could appeal the case,
but that--

[ Growling ]

- I think we’re out of time.
- What do we do ?

Leave now !

Mike, what is this ?
It’s great !

- Jay !
- This is so cool !

- Jay, come down !
- [ Alien Growls ]

- Aah !
- Jay !

Oh, gosh.

Jay, Jay !

[ Jay’s Voice Echoing ]
Mike, what is this ?

Jay ! Jay ?

[ Barnabus ]
He’s gone through the gate.
The Thoad has him.

- We’ve gotta do something.
Call the police.
- Yeah, call the police.

Police ? The Thoad is
back on his home planet now.

It would take
an army to catch him.

He’s completely safe
as long as he never
leaves his home world.

- So we can’t do anything ?
- This is just the start.

I don’t think he meant to take
a little boy. He’ll come back
and take more and more...

until he finds the perfect
specimen for his collection.

The perfect specimen ?

I’ve got an idea.

What are you thinking of ?

A plan.

[ Grunting ]

[ Oinking ]

- No, Schriebner. It’s me, Nick.
- What ?

- What do you want, dweeb ?
- Mike sent me.

He knows you sabotaged
the program for the dance.
He wants to call you out now.

- You’ve gotta be kidding me.
- No, man, he’s waiting.
Katelyn’s with him.

This ought to be
a real joke.

So, send in the nerds.

I should prepare you,
Scott Schriebner,
for the task that lies ahead.

You’re about to see things
that will be difficult for your
earthling mind to comprehend.

What ? Whoa.

Wait a minute. This is you,
Pillsbury, isn’t it, trying
to play some trick on me ?

- Is somebody taping this ?
- [ Katelyn ] We’re not joking.

Scott, I see
you’ve met Barnabus.

- He’s here to help us.
- How do you do ?

- He looks like a dog,
but he’s not a dog.
- Right.

- We need your help.
- I thought you were
calling me out.

Nick didn’t think
you were dumb enough
to fall for it, but I did.

- Hey, watch it, Pillsbury.
- Hey, hey. Can you two
get past it ? Grow up.

All right, all right.
Well, what do you want ?

You will help us
get through the stargate
leading to the Thoad planet.

Where they have
my little brother, Jay.
He was abducted by the Thoad.

- Thoad ?
- It’s an alien, kind of like
an intergalactic poacher.

We need you to--

We need you to be the bait.

What ?
Even if I did believe you,
why would I do that ?

Because--
Because you were
born to be a hero.

Because we’re
on the same football team.

- [ Scoffs ]
- And-- And because...

we’re on the same side,
same school, same town,
same planet.

And-- And because--

because--

Because I dare you.

- You’re not scared, are you ?
- No way.

Then let’s go.

Okay, okay.

Suppose I play along with this.
What do I have to do exactly ?

Just... be yourself.

- Well, what does that mean ?
- It means just be... perfect.

No sweat.

Abducted by aliens ?
Sure, you wish.

Uh-oh.

There’s a plan, Scott.
Trust me. Come on.

[ Growling ]

This doesn’t look so friendly.

The Thoad senses
your presence, Scott.
It senses your perfection.

You know, I’m not
really all that perfect.

I mean, compared
to Pillsbury maybe,
but I’ve got a lot of faults.

Really.

[ Growling ]

Now, before it’s too late !

Barnabus, what is this place ?

The Thoad calls it a zoo,
but I believe you would
call it a prison.

Is it watching us ?

- I expect so.
We’d better keep going.
- Okay.

Hey, Pillsbury. Big joke.

I’m still here.
Nothing’s happened.
I was right.

Try not to worry.
Mike will get us out of here.

Out of where ?

Hey, why is it
still light out ?

Where am I ?

[ Shudders ]

That appears to be
some kind of master
control for the cages.

- Cages ?
- Where’s Scott ?

He is the specimen
the Thoad needs.

By now, I’m sure he’s
forever ensconced.

Ensconced ?
What does that mean in English ?

You guys, look.

[ Electronic Voice ]
The Xgonearks are natives
of the solar system Betelgeuse.

Their organic chemistry
is silicon based.

Oh, my gosh. It’s the--

[ Electronic Voice ]
The Hanzels are natives
of the star system Pegasi.

They are a gentle people
with a long history
of peaceful cooperation.

They’re just like
in your story, Mike.
How did you know ?

I don’t know.

Scott, Jay.

- I bet they’re
in a cage just like this.
- I’m afraid so.

We’ll get you out.
I promise. Okay ?

Come on, we’ve gotta go.

I can’t believe this--
transported to another planet.

My worst nightmare--
stuck in Pillsbury’s
backyard forever.

I don’t know how to get out.

Try not to worry so much.
Mike will find a way
to get us out.

We’re depending on Pillsbury ?

How did I get myself into this ?

Have you ever heard Mike’s story
of a planet where the people
are called Hanzels ?

Let’s try this way.

Guys !

- Scott !
- Jay, Scott, Jay !

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

God, this is really creepy.

They can’t hear us.

At least Jay isn’t alone
so he won’t be so afraid.

- We must act quickly !
- We gotta break
through this glass.

Maybe we don’t
need to break it.

- Maybe there’s a way
to open it instead.
- The Thoad must have a key.

Very astute.

My specimens need
my care and protection.

Security is all important.

- You’re the Thoad ?
- I am indeed.

You were expecting someone
much more, uh, intimidating ?

I assure you, our reputation
is wholly undeserved.

I only came to help
the Pillsbury, as he requested.

No. No, you took Jay.
He’s only a little kid.

I did indeed, and I seem
to be in possession
of still another young human.

Oh, but don’t worry.
They will be quite pampered.

And their life spans will be
infinitely longer here...

than they would be
on dangerous old Earth.

After all, this is a, uh,
sanctuary, not a prison.

- They deserve to be back
home with their own kind.
- [ Chuckling ]

You of all people
should talk, Pillsbury.

At any rate, I’ll soon have
enough specimens to make sure
that they will never be lonely.

- You have no right.
- I have all the rights I need.

You gave them to me, Pillsbury.

But enough talk.

I want to thank you
for becoming part
of my collection.

You will be
my very first Puppian.

And you, Miss--

- Mike, what’s the plan ?
- The plan was to get us in here.
Now the plan is to improvise.

[ Roaring, Growling ]

So the little baby Hanzel
got adopted by Earth parents.

He was smart, really smart.

But he never really
felt like he belonged.

He never felt that
he had any friends.

It kind of sounds
like Mike made it up
about himself, doesn’t it ?

Yeah, kind of.

- Here, in here !
- Hurry up, guys ! Go !

Go, go, go !

[ Roaring ]

[ Continues Roaring ]

I know you’re in here.

Come out !
Come out, Pillsbury !

- Maybe we could discuss this.
- [ Growling ]

Where are the others ?

Actually, right behind you.

- It won’t hold him long !
- The key !

[ Barnabus ]
Yes, yes, get the key !

Guys, I got the key ! Come on !

Okay, okay.

[ Nick ]
Mike, what about
Scott and Jay ?

- I’ve gotta do this first.
- [ Thoad Roars ]

There’s gotta be
a place for this key.

Maybe the cages
open from the back.

I know how this works.

[ Key Humming ]

Go on, you’re free.

- Come on.
- [ Thoad Roaring, Growling ]

- Here it is ! Please work.
- [ Key Humming ]

Scott, Jay !

- You guys okay ?
- Did you figure it out ?

Wait. Barnabus,
how do we get back ?

We must go back
through the Thoad gate.

[ Thoad Grunts ]

[ Growling ]

I think it’s this way.

Mike ! Mike, why are you
stopping ? Come on !

There’s one more thing
I have to do.

[ Key Humming ]

[ Doors Opening,
Creatures Shouting ]

- Where’s Mike ?
- And Barnabus ?

[ Cries, Howls, Growls ]

[ Katelyn ]
Wasn’t he right behind us ?
What if something happened ?

[ Screaming ]

Mike, hey !
Are you okay ?

We did it !

[ All Chattering ]

Wait, wait ! Why isn’t
the stargate disappearing ?

Oh, no ! You can’t
close a stargate if--

If there’s someone or something
still traveling in it, right ?

Too late, I’m afraid.
Hell hath no fury
like a Thoad scorned.

I’d better contact the police.

[ Phone Dialing ]

- [ Busy Signal ]
- Come on, come on !

What’s wrong ?

The line is busy.
It’s a dangerous universe.

I’ll keep trying.
Mike, you stall him.

- [ Thoad Growling ]
- Stall him ?

[ Roaring ]

Uh-oh.

You freed my entire collection,
and now you’re going to pay !

We have to hold out until
the intergalactic police arrive.

Excuse me, Mr. Thoad, sir.

Hey, hey, hey !
You know what ?
You’re a big creep.

Walking around,
scaring little kids.

I have news for you,
sir. On this planet,
we eat frog legs.

[ Barnabus ]
Hang on, hang on !
Don’t let him go !

[ All Shouting ]

Hold on, Mike !

Barnabus, help us !

[ Siren Wailing ]

All right, Thoad.
Hold it right there.
Tongue where I can see it.

Just in time, Officer.

I got hundreds of warrants
against you, buddy.
Come on. Move !

- Is he okay ?
- I think so.

Barnabus, I didn’t
know you could bark.

- I didn’t know either.
- [ Chuckles ]

But sometimes you have
to act a little primitive
if it will help a friend.

- Thanks, Barnabus.
- Don’t mention it.

Don’t move and put your
appendages behind your back !

Don’t say a word.
Admit nothing.

Did he read you your rights ?
Was he too rough ?
Not rough enough ?

Tell me things. Tell me.

[ Whistle Blowing ]

All right, boys and girls,
time for an explanation.
And it better be good.

It will, Officer.
Of that I can assure you.

Hey, Mike. We really do
make a great team.

Uh, Mike ?

One of you care to tell me
what happened here ?

[ All Clamoring ]

[ Whistle Blows ]

Barnabus.

Hello, Mike. I just stopped by
to let you know the federation
handed down its ruling.

Your initial transmission
is being deemed accidental,

and Earth is classified
again as a protected planet
under federation statutes.

That’s a relief.
I guess the world is saved.

And the Thoad has been
sentenced to serve two aeons
in a federation penitentiary.

His hostages have been
returned to their home planets.

- And the Hanzel ?
- He’s safe and grateful
for all you did.

All’s well that ends well,
as the saying goes.

I don’t know what to say.

Thank you
for everything, Barnabus.

Well, there is one bit
of unfinished business-- you.

- It’s not too late for you
to come home with me.
- To your planet ?

I know you would be happy,
and so would I.

I don’t think so, Barnabus.
Earth is my home.

And even though
it doesn’t always feel like it,
I guess it’s where I belong.

Many here who feel out of place
point their heads down.
But not you, Mike Pillsbury.

You look to the stars.
Remarkable.

If you wish, you may, uh,
scratch me behind the ears.

[ Chuckling ]

Hmm. Oh, that’s--

That was delightful.
You know, Mike Pillsbury,

you’ve shown me there’s
something to be said...

for the right kind
of personal contact.

I will attempt
to convince my people.

Farewell.

Good-bye, Barnabus.

I’ll never forget you.

[ Whistle Blowing ]

- [ Crowd Shouting, Cheering ]
- Barnabus.

Barnabus !

Thanks.

Pillsbury, let’s get out there
and play some football.

-Give it everything you’ve got !
That’s my boy !
-Go, Mike, go !

I guess I am.

[ Cheering, Indistinct ]

Pillsbury,
why do you stay on the team ?

[ Groans ]

Well, believe it or not,
Schriebner, it’s where I belong.

And you know what ?
I’m gonna prove it to you.

Dream on, Pillsbury. Dream on.

I will dream on,
Schriebner. You bet I will.

[ Cheerleaders ]
Pillsbury, Pillsbury.
He’s our man.

If he can’t do it,
no one can !
Go, Mike ! Go, Mike !

[ No Audible Dialogue ]