Bob the Butler (2005)

[bunniefuu]

- I am the matriarch

of a great American family

taking on the ultimate challenge:

The perfect family meal.

- I understand, Mama Clara.

- Working in a small takeout franchise

is traditionally a gateway

to bigger and better things.

- In understand, Mama Clara.

- When you create synergies,

you solve problems.

- I understand, Mama Clara.

- But that is what happens

when I go to the bathroom

and leave you in charge

of the french fries.

Well, give me another chance.

- Ahhh!

- Give your Uncle Bob another chance.

- Bob, you're no uncle

and I'm no mama.

Cute names are company policy,

that's all!

Just feel-good stuff

so they can pay you less.

- But we're family!

Look around!

- UH!

- Ohhhh!

- Dad!

- Ahhhhh!

- You okay?

- Dad!

We're family!

- This is my real father, Bob!

There's a difference!

Time was drifted

This rock had got to roll

So I hit the road

and made my getaway

Restless feeling

Really got a hold

- Sorry!

I started searching

for a better way

But I kept on looking for a sign

in the middle of the night

But I couldn't see the light

No, no, no, stop, stop, stop!

Ahhhhh!

To take me through the night

I couldn't get it right

- Help!

Help!

I couldn't get it right

- Grab on to this rope here!

Pull it.

Ahhhh!

L.A. Fever

Made me feel alright

Ah!

But I must admit

it got the best of me

Hi, people.

Getting down so deep

I could have drowned

Oh, save the fishes!

Save the fishes!

Now I can't get back

the way I used to be

But I kept on looking for a sign

in the middle of the night

But I couldn't see the light

no I couldn't see the light

To take me

through the night-ight-ight

Couldn't get it right

I'm an astronaut, I'm a ballerina!

I'm an astronaut, I'm a ballerina!

Shave, shave, shave...

- Ahhhh!

- Sorry.

New York City

Took me with the tide

And I nearly died

from hospitality

Left me stranded

Took away my pride

Just another no-account fatality

Ahhhh!

- Oh.

Looking for a sign

in the middle of the night

But I couldn't see the light

No I couldn't see the light

- Huh, I'm gonna need

a bigger board.

It's not a big deal, Rascal.

We're only on the Bs, remember.

Got all this to go.

Okay, so we did burger assistant.

Next up, we have...

business consulting.

Butcher?

Oh, whoa.

Hey, listen to this.

Listen.

"Cosmopolitan Butler School

Become part of a family

in 5 days"

Rascal,

We're going butling.

- Do you think

you canna be a Lassie?

Nine-thirty?

- Good morning, students.

Good morning, sir.

- Two lines, please.

Chop, chop!

My name is Butler.

I'm a born butler

in all senses of the phrase.

I come from a long line of butlers.

In only five days,

you will each receive

a certificate of competence

to wait on any family

on this side of the pond.

For those that are interested,

the full English course

lasts a further 17 years.

Standards are slightly higher.

So, what does a butler...

do? Hmm?

Answer: Everything.

He must cook, clean,

tend the garden,

groom the horses,

write letters, iron shirts.

Arrange appointments,

greet guests, run baths,

buy groceries, pack cases,

unpack cases,

make reservations,

cancel reservations

and still find time

to be a confidant.

Understood?

Yes, sir.

- Yes, sir!

- Grooming is crucial to the role.

Substantial facial hair

is quite unacceptable.

Rabbi,

how would you serve soup?

- But really...

- It goes, or you go.

- Oh.

- Butlers must be immaculately dressed.

So what's your excuse,

you miserable heap of mess?

- This is me tidy.

- Not in my book.

Do you possess

any offensively tasteless tattoos

perpetrated in a drunken haze?

- No.

- Any piercings of body parts?

- I do have a series

of small holes in my tongue

from when I was six.

My cousin, he gave me

a black-sea-urchin thing

and told me

it was a chocolate muffin.

I think they've...

grown over.

- Show me your n*pples.

- My n*pples?

- Yes, your n*pples.

Hmm...

You can't blame a man for asking.

Frankly, you look the weird sort.

- I'm weird?

- Come on, come on!

Tess! Tess!

This elevator has already left.

Ssstop that!

You're causing a delay.

- I have an important meeting.

- If was so important,

you would've left earlier,

like I did.

- Mother, you're embarrassing us.

- Stop.

- Ow.

Witch!

- That's a rude person.

- Suck-up.

- Any news, Judith?

- Not yet.

- Okay.

Kate.

All right, go.

- Mr. Dickens called.

Urgent.

- Skip. Next.

Next, the investment

conference call. Urgent.

- Save. Next.

- Jacques called about dinner

on Monday.

- Confirm. Eight o'clock.

- It's them.

- Okay. Put 'em through.

- Good luck.

- A word or two about money.

Money makes the world go round,

doesn't it?

Yes, Mr. Butler.

- Balderdash.

Trust, not money.

That's what makes

the world go round.

If I haven't been able to produce

at least one trustworthy butler

out of this course,

then I've wasted my time.

- Ah-ah!

Sorry. Sorry!

- As I've made clear,

you will be in complete control

of the household.

However, you will be treated

by all other members of the household

as if you were slightly less significant

than a piece of used toilet paper.

To simulate this, I've devised

a rather amusing little exercise.

- You're enjoying this, aren't you?

- I'm getting no pleasure from it

whatsoever!

- Yeah, right.

- Bull'seye!

- Now, look,

open wide for one teeny,

weeny little baked bean,

or I'll tell your mom.

- But I'll tell her you hit me.

- What?!

- I'll tell her you hit me

and pulled my hair.

Ahhhhh!

- Okay, leave the friggin' food.

- You swore!

You swore

in front of my little brother.

Can I watch MTV tonight?

- I will not be blackmailed

by you children.

- Mrs. Withington,

what happened?!

- Sorry, Miss Jamieson,

but they are the devil's seed!

- Oh, no,

they're just playing with you.

They're delightful children, really.

Undemeath all the horrible stuff.

Please, I promised Jacques

I would not let him down again.

- h*-h*!

- Ah!

Babysitters...

- Hello?

- Bob the Babysitter?

- No, ma'am.

This is Bob the Butler.

- Now, look.

I definitely have this number down

for Bob the Babysitter.

- Well, that was

at least seven jobs back.

- But you were a babysitter once?

- Well, yes.

Ahem. Just once.

- Oh, please,

this is an emergency.

- One minute, please.

Rascal, damsel in distress.

May I have your leave?

Thank you, Master Rascal.

I'd be happy to.

- Oh... my.

Are you Bob?

- At your service.

- You-you have a piece of tomato

in your hair.

- Oh.

- Ew.

- Gone.

- Okay, well, um,

I want you to meet my children.

This is my daughter, Tess.

- Miss Tess. Hello.

Lovely name.

- My son, Bates.

- Mm. Master...

Bates.

Also lovely.

- Gross.

- What's gross?

- Okay.

Have to go,

so do me a favour and...

do not hurt him.

Bob, please don't sit on any

of the nice chairs unless you have to.

- Okay.

- What's gross?

- Never mind.

Good night, children.

- Good night, Mother.

Enjoy your romantic evening out.

Have fun!

- Don't forget the back ones, Master.

- Why do you call me Master?

- I'm studying to be a butler.

- I don't like it.

Master Bates.

It just feels wrong.

- Indeed.

How about I call you Bates?

- I like that.

- Yeah, just Bates.

- Mm-hmm.

- Miss Tess?

- Uh!

- Oh, no. Not again.

Water. Water!

Quick, quick, quick, quick...!

Oh, no.

Hmm. Mm...

Nice chair.

- Bates. You awake?

- When will Mom be back?

- I think Bob's a real find.

He's so stupid,

he didn't even tell me off

for smoking.

- Smoking kills. I read it.

- Sisters k*ll too,

so keep your mouth shut.

- He let me sleep

in my fireman costume.

- He's crazy.

- I like him

more than Mrs. Withington.

- Would you like

to have him back?

- Can we?

- Leave it to me.

- Thanks for a lovely evening.

- Ah, the pleasure was all mine.

- I'd invite you up?

- I know, the children will up

as usual.

- Omigod!

- What? What's wrong?

- The children's lights are all out!

What's wrong?

- Nothin'.

They've been good as gold.

- Oh, cut the BS.

What, are they bound and gagged

somewhere?

- You really should be congratulated,

ma'am,

on raising

such wondrous progeny.

Can I go now?

- Uh, normally, they're, uh...

a pain in the derriere.

I think here you say "brats. "

- Well, I never say "brats. "

- Well, I don't know

what you did,

but I'm impressed.

Jacques, will you pay Bob for me?

- Of course!

I'm, uh...

tipping you

very generously here.

I want you to know why.

Tonight, with the kids in bed,

all night,

I get to do

what Frenchmen love to do most...

- You gonna look in the mirror

for eight hours?

Thanks, Jack.

- This moming,

those of us that remain

will address the basic skills required

for a typical day,

starting with undressing the master.

Now, I shall need a volunteer.

Mr. Tree, if you please.

Jacket.

Tie.

Waistcoat. The vest, to you.

Shirt.

- Ah, come on,

haven't you got some kind of dummy?

- Dear boy, if you intend

to be a butler, you better get used

to naked old flesh.

- You sure this isn't a British thing?

I mean, most Americans

know how to dress themselves.

- On the contrary.

We are here to educate them

to do it better.

And to dress for the right occasion.

- Whoa!

Yo, I'm outta here.

- Well, Bob,

you seem to be

the last one left.

- Mr. Butler,

I don't really know

if this is necessary.

I mean... I'll give 100 bucks

if you leave the rest on.

One-hundred and fifty.

A thousand!

Please stop there.

- Right.

Mr. Tree, let's get cracking, then.

Dress me.

- Bob, no! Nuh-uh.

- It's okay.

It's okay, Nico.

I don't wanna work here.

I can't stand the sight of blood.

All that screaming.

- You took the guy's earlobe off.

- Not on purpose.

Ah!

- You used to work here?

- Of course I used to work here.

"Barber" comes before "butler"

in the Yellow Pages.

- So how do you like it?

- Neat and tidy.

- As the man says.

- No beard.

- No beard?

- Butlers don't have beards.

- Butlers wear beards.

- No beard.

- Abit of beard.

- No beard at all.

- Itty-bit of beard?

- No beard whatever.

- Itsy-bit of beard?

- No.

Not even a little bitty-bitty-bitty-

weeny-bitty beard.

- Itty-bit of butler beard?

- Beardless.

- Itty-bit of butler beard?

- No beard!

- Itty-bit of butler beard,

itty-bit of butler beard,

itty-bit of butler bear.

Settled.

- So?

- Well, pretty much as it is.

- What do you expect to do, Bob,

if this doesn't work out?

- I'll probably move on

to the Cs. You know?

Camping guide,

carpet cleaner,

carwasher,

computer hacker.

- Extraordinary.

You seem to have such faith

in yourself...

where none is justified.

- Thanks, Mr. Butler.

- Well, well, well.

Agentleman's gentleman,

by George!

- Loving breaths...

of deep...

...acceptance.

- All right, can we speed it up,

please?

Look - ahem -

here's my needs analysis.

I think it'll save time.

- What are you saving time for?

Yourfamily?

But you don't even have time

to enjoy your kids. Or Jacques.

- Jack's not family.

- There's too much work.

I need more time.

- Remember your mantra.

- "I cannot organize the world...

blah-blah-blah. "

- Maybe you could work just as hard

and find someone

who brings the best

out of me and Bates.

- Tess, that is

a very sensible suggestion.

Do you have anyone in mind?

- Not really.

- Well...

I quite like the babysitter

we had last night.

- But Tess said he was freaky.

- He's too strict.

- He's way too strict.

- Definitely not him.

- Uh-uh.

- Well, it's not your call, children.

- What are we doing?

- Come on, come on, come on.

Up you get.

Standing still, Mr. Tree,

is highly prized in butler circles.

- Freak.

- Just get up.

- Tiny people down below...

- Good.

I want you to clear your mind

and relax.

- Relax?

You kidding me?

I'm standing inches

from certain death here.

- I'll tell you what,

think of the most beautiful thing

you've seen in the last 48 hours.

- Other than your a*s?

- Now come on. You can do it.

I'm beginning

to have faith in you, Bob.

- Okay,

I've got it.

- What is it?

- It's a woman.

- Can you picture her?

- Yes.

- Excellent.

Hold that thought.

- Hey, kiddo, how was your day?

- Okay.

- Just okay?

Mine was pretty good.

Do you wanna hear about it?

- Does it have anything to do

with capital management?

- Yes.

- No.

It's polite to knock.

- It's bedtime, sweetheart.

- I haven't finished.

- Now. Please?

- No.

- Ah, that's just what I need.

Thank you.

Do you wanna hear about my day?

- Now?

Your mind is full of work and kids,

work and kids, work and kids.

That leaves little for me.

- I am trying to sell my business,

Jacques.

- For months, ma ch?rie.

But when?

- I'm thinking of hiring Bob.

- The babysitter?

- The butler.

- The children will live with him?

I'm joking.

- No, he'll live in the attic.

We'll have a babysitter

wheneverwe want.

- Perfect.

Can you hurry up in there?

You've been in there for hours.

- Almost finished.

- You'll tidy all this up?

- Yeah.

- Bates, stop that!

- Ah!

- It's a toilet bidet.

- What's a toilet bidet?

- It's like a fountain for your a*s...

- Ask me later.

- Jack says he's here.

- The butler!

Now then, Robert?

- Actually, my name's Bob.

- Oh, well, Bob is short for Robert.

- Isn't Rob short for Robert?

- Yes.

- So then Bob

would be short for Bobert.

- Your name is Bobert?

- No.

Just Bob.

- Okay, then.

As long as we're satisfied

with first names,

can we continue?

- Of course.

Though I don't know your name.

Is it all right if I call you

Mistress Jamieson?

- No.

That sounds rather sordid,

doesn't it?

Perhaps you could

just call me Anne.

- Anne.

- Just Anne.

- Anne.

- Yes.

Anne.

- Et bien?

- Anne.

- Mr. Tree, how many children

do you have?

- Well, I don't have any children.

- But you said in the flyer

that you would take care

of the children like your own.

- Yeah, if I had some.

Ahem.

- But you did just recently attend

the Cosmopolitan Butler School?

- Is all tidy.

- Uh, how much do I owe you?

What did he say?

- Uh, he said

he'll drop the bill off next week.

- Um - ahem - Jacques

got me a wonderful present:

A state-of-the-art toilet.

- A toilet?

What a nice gift.

- My goodness, Bob,

I had no idea

that you were fluent in Japanese.

- I worked in the Asian market.

- Well, that's impressive.

- You sold stock?

- st*lks,

vegetables,

some strangely shaped fruits.

Horseshoe-shaped...

fruits.

- Uh, Bob, I would like

to go over a few specifics.

I colour-categorize my sponges.

- Hmm?

- Blue for bathroom, yellow for kitchen,

purple for general,

green for the outdoors, car included.

Please don't confuse them.

- Fine.

- No strange women in the house.

- Fine.

- No drugs. No pets.

- Fine.

- You allergic?

- They're unhygienic.

- Fine.

- So what do you think?

- He is very strange.

I don't understand

this Rob-Bob-Bobert business.

- Well, I suppose

we could always interview

other candidates.

- There are other candidates?

- No.

I hired an assistant once.

She seemed perfect,

she worked hard,

she did everything I told her to.

One lunchtime,

I saw her in the gym.

She had a shower

and then changed right back

into herworkout bra.

- I'm lost.

- I fired her on the spot,

of course.

- You fired her

because of her sweaty bra?

Do you think Bobert wears a bra?

- Oh, who knows.

But if it doesn't work out,

I'll change him.

- Okay.

- Ah... Bates!

- Sorry, Mom.

- I think you'll find

everything you need.

I'm sure it's not up

to your professional standards.

- It's...

white.

- Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry it is such a mess.

I can indeed organize the world

- Hey, Rascal.

Home.

We are robots!

We are monster robots!

I am Robot Man!

Get out of my way.

I am Computer Man...

- Aren't you a little old

to play with toys?

- Well, I don't usually

play with them, but...

I got these

when about your age and...

I figured I'd give them

to my own son one day.

- Didn't he want them?

- Ahem.

The children are in bed, ma'am.

- Oh, thank you, Bob.

Music to my ears.

- Is there anything else

I can do for you?

- No. Thank you.

I'll see you in the morning.

- I hope you don't mind,

but, um, I couldn't find any towels

for your bathroom.

- Mm, no.

I don't use them.

- Okay, then.

- They breed germs.

I have a body-dryer.

- A body-dryer?

- Yes.

- Like a hairdryer?

- Bigger.

Much more hygienic.

Did I mention the sponge system?

Blue for the bathroom...

- Purple, yellow, green.

- Oh. Well, good night, then.

- Good night.

- What's that smell?

- Cooking.

- Real food?

- Well, I guess Bob made us breakfast.

Where did you get that blouse?

- It's an old one.

- Yeah, like really old.

Like five years tool old.

It's way too small for you.

- Is not.

- Is.

- Is not.

- Let's have Bob decide.

Bob?

- Is not.

- Is.

- Yes, ma'am?

- Tess's blouse - indecently small,

or acceptable fashion?

- Sorry, Miss Tess.

- That's a lot of pancakes.

- It's more cost-effective

to prepare in bulk.

- They teach you

that bulk stuff at butler school?

- Actually, at the finest...

the finest cooking school

in the world.

- The Cordon Bleu.

- The U.S. Army.

- The army? Cool.

- Would you like some pancakes,

Miss Tess?

- Sure, make me out on 50 pounds.

That'll make me popular.

- Getting grounded

for being rude

will definitely make you popular.

- Miss Tess, I wanna prepare

a special dinner tonight.

Sort of an introduction.

What does your mother like?

- She likes anything she can eat quickly

so she can get back to work.

- You know what'd be good?

Aluau.

She loves the whole Hawaiian thing.

- A luau, huh?

- Pork?

- Okay, I'll look into that.

I knew a guy once,

he was kind of a nervous fellow.

Used to bite his nails.

One day,

he was so upset,

he ate his whole hand.

- He did not.

- By the time

we pulled him off, he'd chewed

all the way up to the elbows.

- That is stupid.

- That fellow has to wear a muzzle now.

A muzzle.

All because he couldn't talk

about his problems.

I don't know about that outfit,

Miss Tess.

Are you getting out?

- I've got basketball today.

- That's great.

I love basketball.

- You're not underfourfoot.

Ah...

- Hey.

- Hi.

Guess what.

- You joined the Britney Spears

fan club?

- My mom hired a butler.

- He looks

like he's from Transylvania.

- He's not the only one.

- They remind me

of the Addams Family.

- Sad, sad, sad.

- Helloooo.

Hellooooo.

Ahem.

Nice melons.

- Thank you.

Nice cucumber.

- Thanks.

- You.

You.

- You.

- You.

- You.

- You.

- You.

- Ah!

Ladies you're damn right

Can't read a man's mind

We're living in two tribes

and heading for w*r

Whoo!

Nobody's perfect

We all gotta work it

but fellas we're worth it

So don't break the law

ah ah ah ah

I'm just a love machine

feeding my fantasy

Give me a kiss or three

We just need a squeeze

instead of this negligee

What will the neighbours think

This time

come take my hand

Understand that you can

You're my man

and I need you tonight

Come make my dreams

honey hard as it seems

Loving me is as easy as pie

I'm just a love machine

Feeding my fantasy

give me a kiss or three

Ooh, yeah.

- Hi.

- How ya doin'?

- Good.

- Where's your sister?

- I don't know.

Her cool friends

are very sensitive.

- She have a lot of friends?

- Compared to me,

or to normal people?

- Tess said she'd rather die

than be collected

by a man

who looks like a penguin.

- I only take random insults

from immediate friends and family.

- I'm Tess's best friend.

- Good enough.

Where is she?

- Waiting for you to leave

over cover of nightfall.

- Thank you.

Miss Tess!

Tess Jamieson!

Your butler is here and waiting!

Hurry up,

or I'll throw out

yourfavourite Bamey video!

And your stash of letters

to one J. Timberlake!

So how'd basketball go?

- I stunk.

What's you expect?

- I dunno.

What did you expect?

- Well, I thought I'd be lousy.

- Well, then it all worked out

the way you thought.

Miss Tess, how was your day?

- Do you gamble?

- What do you got in mind?

- I bet you'll be fired

within a week.

- What odds are you offering?

Doesn't anyone want

to sit up front with the luau dinner?

Dinner is served!

- This is so perfect.

- You think she'll like it?

- She'll be breathless.

It's a napkin, moron.

- Why the hurry?

- He made us all dinner.

The least we can do

is show him a little gratitude.

Oh, my good God.

Aluau.

Who's idea was this?

- The butler.

- One Mississippi, two Mississippi,

three Mississippi, five Mississippi,

six Mississippi, seven Mississippi,

nine Mississippi, 10 Mississippi!

- Mm, rich, full-bodied...

Hmm, I smell a hint of mushroom.

- Shitake?

- Portobello. Burgundy region.

I will take you there one day.

- Can I come to Verdungy?

- Oh, Bates, sweet,

but it's not for les enfants.

I think it will be a trip

just for your mother and me.

- Jacques is joking.

Heh-heh.

Of course we can all go together.

The children would love it.

- Ah, the children. Of course.

- Can we go, Mom?

Just the three of us?

Jackass doesn't have to come.

- Jackass?

Who is Jackass.

- I think that Bates

has an imaginary friend.

- Madam...

kalua pu'a.

The custom is to prepare the food

in a an imu,

or underground oven.

- Sounds... wonderful.

Doesn't it, children?

Gross.

- It is normally served

with a mashed taro root,

or poi.

- God!

- Plug it! Plug it up!

Ah! Ahh!

- Hot piggy! Hot piggy!

Oh, Lord.

Stay with me! Stay with me!

- I cannot organize the world,

I cannot organize the world...

Oh...

- I think you'll find

that I just won the bet.

- Moi. I'm the Jackass.

Jacques-a*s.

I'm not stupid, Anne.

Is he not Bob-a*s, this butler?

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

Here, let me help you.

- Imbecile!

But no, you do not want

to check his references!

- I just wanted

to make a nice dinner.

Sort of a thank-you?

- Well, maybe if I talk to Mom.

Would that help?

- Nah. I'm the screw-up.

I've done this before.

- You blew up another pig?

- Bedtime, Bates.

- Good luck.

- Can you give me one good reason

why I shouldn't fire you right now?

- Yes.

- Okay.

I'm listening.

- Can I have till tomorrow morning?

- This is a complete disaster area!

My pristine dining room

is covered in pig shrapnel!

- I'll clean it up.

- You better.

- Every...

shred.

- Oh, and, Bob,

I think it's best if you never, ever...

ever cook anything again.

- Yes, ma'am.

Thought you should know?

- Closed door, big hint.

...I'm staying.

- I thought servants were meant

to be seen and not heard.

- Hey, these are great.

- Hey! Gimme that!

It's private!

- Don't get your knickers in a knot.

- Look, look, look, look, look,

look, look. Look.

- Okay.

Take your time today

There's no hurry

you can wait a while

If only for a smile

Take your time today

There's no hurry

- All right!

- There you go!

You can wait a while

Oh!

If only for a smile

Oh! Jeez! Ahhh!

- Sorry!

So have you decided

Hmm? Uh-huh.

To change your worn-out mind

Then take your time today

There's no hurry

You can wait a while

Hello?

Hi, Mom.

I'm in a tree.

- Miss Tess.

- There you go.

- Bates, there you are.

- Thanks!

- Nice hat.

Take your time today

- Five in a row. Right back.

- sh**t some ba*ls with me?

- Sure.

- What's that?

- What?

- Have you got

a remote-control ball?

- Rascal?

- Who's Rascal?

- Rascal!

Rascal!

Rascal!

Rascal!

Rascal!

Rascal!

- Bob!

Bob!

Bob!

Bob, stop!

- Rascal!

- Poor thing.

Someone's been

a very naughty butler.

- Oh...

Oh... Oh, Rascal.

Rascal.

"He licked the jar right out

of Newton's hand, sliming his palm

"with a streak of black gob,

"perhaps the most disgusting thing

Newton had experienced

"since the time

he mistakenly ate a maggot.

- Hi, guys.

How was your day?

Anything interesting happen?

- The usual.

- Oh.

- Why aren't you a dad?

- Just didn't happen yet.

- I don't have a dad.

- Everybody has a dad.

- Mom got me and Bates

from a bank.

- Tess.

- Special bank

where men make deposits.

- Tess...

- And women make withdrawals.

- If they can't find Mr. Right.

- Bob.

Bob!

- Too loud?

- Uh, no.

No. Just, uh... just really...

really horrible.

Heh-heh.

- I love the trumpet.

- Then you should practice.

- Yeah.

- Um...

Bob, you must... think

I'm a really horrible mother.

- No.

- Well, it wasn't an easy decision.

- Sure.

- I just...

I didn't wanna miss out, you know?

It's not like time

was exactly on my side,

so I thought I'd...

- Anne...

You're... you're blessed.

Sorry. I, uh...

spoke out of turn.

Zip!

- That's all right.

Thank you.

- Can I ask you a question?

- Yeah...

- What's capital management?

- Bye! Thanks for the lift!

- See you later!

Bye-bye!

Hello, Judith.

I'll be about an hour or so.

It can wait.

Yeah. I'll be on my cellphone

if you need me.

Okay. Bye.

Oh!

Ah! Oh...

Well, I can't come to a meeting

with stains on my blouse,

now can I?

I'm back, Bob!

I'm just gonna take a quick bath!

I'll be there as soon as I can.

I'll be over at 10

They tell me time and again

I can't wait...

Why do you build me up

Build me up

Buttercup baby

- Ahhhhhh!

...let me down...

- Can I get you some towels,

ma'am?

- Mm-hmm!

But I love you still

I need you

I need you

more than anyone darling

You know that I have

From the start

So build me up

Buttercup

Don't break my heart

- You don't get that flipping burgers.

- Then I dribbled right, cut left

and slam-dunked it.

- Who traded in my geek brother

for a jock geek brother?

- Hey, where are you all going

on a Sunday?

- Basketball tryouts.

- Well, I'll drive you.

Let me get my purse.

- I wanna go with Bob.

- Okay. Uh...

what about you, Tess?

- I arranged to meet Sophie.

Don't you have work to do?

- Nope. Amazingly.

All right, well...

see you later.

- Ah, oui, all??

Anne! What's wrong?

- I got the whole day free

and I'm lonely!

It's so nice to do something

for myself for a change.

- We go out

and find a nice, quiet place.

- Oh, this is lovely!

This is nice!

Now this is relaxing.

This...

Take me home.

- What?!

- I... I... I can't be here

without them.

I just can't enjoy... myself

without the kids.

I mean, you know, I just can't!

- Let's go!

- Look, Jacques, I have children.

I love them.

They're not just going to disappear.

- You would prefer

that I disappear?

Examine the situation.

One: You are a single woman.

Very beautiful,

true, but, uh, very, very...

a**l.

- a**l. I'm a**l.

- Two: Your children.

They are not beautiful.

Just annoying.

Three: If I go...

- I'll take three. You go. Now.

Take a cab.

- Anne!

You are a single woman

of a certain age.

You will not find another man.

Statistically,

you have a better chance

of being hit by a truck.

One driven by Bob.

- So?

- So what?

- How'd it go? The tryouts.

- There was no tryouts.

The coach had already decided

who was on the team.

- What?

That's not fair.

Wait here.

- You're not going to embarrass me?

- You bet I am.

Hey! You the coach?

- Who's asking?

- My name's Tree.

- Bob?

Bob the mascot?

- Jerry?

- Yeah!

Rrrrrrr!

- Yeah.

What happened

to the Bismark Barbarians?

- Ah, I left not long

after the owner fired you.

He was a real a-hole.

- I know. I know. I know.

- Still got your helmet, though.

You wanna see it?

- You bet.

It's about Bates.

Bates Jamieson?

- Pull up a chair.

- Uh-ooh.

- Put it on.

- Yeah. Still fits like a glove.

Areally...

weird glove.

- It took them two hours

to remove that from his buttocks.

- I probably shouldn't have

left it on his chair.

Ahem.

- So what about the Jamieson kid?

- He wants to try out for the team.

- He's kind of small.

Why is it impossible

to say no to you?

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

- Yeah! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

All right.

Go ahead.

Come on, Bates!

He's a little nervous.

Put one in the net there, Bates!

Put one in the net there!

How ya doin'?

- Coach hates me.

- Forget about him, okay?

It's just you and me.

Just like at home.

Come on.

Come on, let's go!

- Ah...

- Come on!

Like we practiced!

Come on!

- Hey.

- Oh, you got it, you got it.

Take it around me,

take it around me,

take it around me, put it in,

put it in the net. Come on.

No fancy stuff.

Just put it in the net.

All right! Huh?! Huh?!

- Yeah! I got one!

- Two points!

Two points!

Hey, Tess.

Been shopping?

Oh, what is that, a wristband?

Pair of socks?

Mom!

- Is it a bib?

- Hey, how were the tryouts?

- Great!

- Good. I made salmon skewers.

- Salmon?

- I'll tell Tess.

- What?

- Hey, Tess.

- Don't come in.

- Your mother made a barbecue.

- I'll be down in five.

- Would you like

to join us, Bob?

Please.

We'd like you to.

- Thank you.

It's real nice of you

to have made

these salmon skewers.

Isn't it, kids?

And a green salad.

Eh...

- That was delicious.

- I should've made hot dogs.

- No, no. It was really good.

- Oh, you missed a spot.

- Where?

- Right there.

- Hmm.

You know, Tess has drawn

some amazing dress designs.

You should see her schoolbooks.

- Schoolbooks?

- Yeah, she draws

in her schoolbooks.

- You're such a liar!

You're such a stupid liar!

- Tess!

- It's not true!

I hate you, Bob!

- Tess!

Tess!

- I guess that's what it's like

having family, Rascal.

Ups and downs.

Just a second.

Come in.

- Hi.

I've spoken to Tess

and she's shown me her drawings.

You're right.

They're amazing.

So thank you for that.

- Something wrong?

- Don't take this

the wrong way, Bob.

You're the butler.

You're not herfather.

- I understand completely.

- Thanks.

Good night, then.

- Good night.

- Why are we eating in here?

- More coffee, ma'am?

- Oh, I'll get it.

- Please, ma'am.

Leave it to me.

- It's cool.

- New skirt?

- Yeah. Like it?

- No. It's like theirs.

- That's the point, stupid.

- So you coming to watch me

get my nose pierced?

- Not on this planet.

Tomorrow after school, okay?

- Bye.

- You're hanging

with the Clone Barbies now?

- Maybe when I'm in tighter,

I'll put in a good word for you

and you can hang with.

- I liked you because I thought

you were an individual.

Like me.

Now you're just more like pathetic.

- Stop!

Excuse me.

Kate, is the fruit washed?

Judith, did you wash the fruit?

- It's pre-washed.

- Pre-washed? Pre-washed?!

- Pre-washed.

- Ah!

I do not wanna to lose this deal

because one of my investors

has the runs!

- The runs?

- Done.

Done.

Done!

Ah! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Arodent!

Oh! Rodent!

Huge rodent!

- Where is he?

- Oh! Oh!

Huge!

- Rascal?

- Rat! Ratty!

- Rascal, don't do this to me.

- Furry thing on the table!

He was there on the table!

- Hold it!

- Ah! What are you doing, Bob?

- Don't move.

- Ah... What are you doing, Bob?

Ah... ah... ah...

Ahhhh!

- Rascal...

- Oh, Jesus.

I guess this is urgent?

- Of course it's urgent!

- Stay calm, Anne.

Do not explode.

- Too late!

I've already exploded!

I've dumped Jacques

and kicked out the hamster.

- What hamster?

- Oh, keep up!

Bob's taken over.

He spends more time with my kids?-

- Than you do?

- Than butling. It's exasperating!

- Have you fired him?

- I told him the hamster

has to leave immediately

and I want

this whole house disinfected

from top to bottom!

- Oh, sounds like

someone has a crush.

- Huh! I'm paying you for this?

I'm not paying you for this!

Don't you dare bill me

for this call!

Ridiculous!

Oh, Rascal.

Who let you out?

You know what, Tess?

That was out of order.

And if I was your father,

you would be in so much trouble.

Ya dig?

- It wasn't me.

- Yeah, whatever.

- Whatever.

- Bates...

was it you?

C'mon, Bates, why? C'mon.

Talk to me, buddy.

- I didn't make the team.

- You didn't. Okay.

That's a shame.

- I didn't make the team!

You said I would!

- Well, I never said that.

I said I would help.

I said I would try.

- I wasn't good enough.

- Not being good enough is...

life.

But you'll find

you're good at something.

Everybody's good at something.

- What are you good at?

- I can catch grapes

in my mouth.

- Mom?

I put Rascal in your room.

I didn't make the team.

- Okay.

- It doesn't matter, though.

I'll find something to be good at.

- Hello, Mr. Butler?

Bob here.

You'll look after him?

- Of course.

- Can I make you a cup of tea?

- Oh, we have a regular little butler.

What's your name,

Master?

- It's Bates.

Just Bates.

- Hmm...

- You're gonna be just fine.

- It's like an initiation thing.

- I'll start your room.

How's everything going?

- Fine, thanks!

Let's go.

- You got the stuff?

- No problem.

- Security!

- Ah!

No! Let me go!

You guys, wait!

- Purple. Purple for general.

- What?

- Purple for general,

yellow for kitchen,

blue for bathroom.

Purple for general.

Right.

- Hello?

Hey, Bob!

It's for you.

- Hello.

Jamieson family butler speaking.

I'll be right there.

I have to go.

Will you be okay with Mr. Butler

for a while?

- Sure.

- Come on, Bates.

When we're finished here,

I'll teach you how to polish silver

by spitting on it.

- Cool!

- Yeah!

- Hey! I'm looking

for Tess Jamieson.

- Tough love.

We give kids a dose of reality,

scare 'em straight

before it's too late.

- This one's not like that.

- You're one of those

always-looking-for-the-best

- in-people guys?

Hmm! We'll keep her

for an hour or two,

then you can take her.

- Listen, if I may be so bold,

you'll let her out this second.

Or I'll call my friend Judge Sharma

and I'll have your a*s kicked

from here to Texas.

Don't worry about it.

This'll be our little secret.

- Bob, I'm sorry.

About everything.

I lied.

About the luau.

My mom's practically a vegetarian.

- I guess she is now.

Come on, let's go.

- Omigod.

Bates!

- I'm standing still, Mom!

I can be a butler!

- Good evening, Miss Jamieson.

- Tess, where have you been?!

- I got hung up at Sophie's.

Bob came and got me.

- In that?!

Both of you, inside now!

Bob, I have known

for quite some time

that you're not the world's

greatest butler,

but you at least seemed

to care for my kids.

What kind of a man

leaves an eight-year-old

with a total stranger?

A stranger...

What am I saying?

A psycho!

Who thinks that standing

on the roof of a house

is good training?

- I'm sorry, Anne.

- Miss Jamieson!

- I'm truly sorry, Miss Jamieson.

- I have to let you go, Bob.

I'll pay you

to the end of the month, but...

I want you to leave in the morning.

- Let's not get ourselves down,

Rascal.

You keep going...

and I'll keep going.

- To the end

of ATBJ Capital Management!

Finally!

Okay...

- I don't feel like celebrating.

- Come in.

Why aren't you in school?

- Lunch.

What are you doing?

- Lunch.

Welcome to my home.

- Nice.

- Well, my natural state is messy.

- I'm sorry you got fired.

I just wanted

the cool kids to like me.

- You know, when I was a kid,

I used to like building model cars.

But...

there was always once piece

I could neverfigure out

where it was supposed to go.

I always felt like that piece.

I've spent my whole life

trying to figure out where I fit.

So when you figure it out...

well...

that's good.

- So you're saying

it's good to shoplift

if it helps you fit in?

- I worked

for a New York designer once.

- You?

- I was just sewing,

but it was better

than a lot of jobs I've done.

Here.

Severance pay

from the sweatshop.

- Bob...

can you teach me how to sew?

- Sorry for skipping out on you.

- Yeah, we were, like,

so cowardly.

- This is ace.

D'you steal it?

- I made it.

- Shut up!

I want one.

- Me too!

- Than wouldn't we be wearing

the same top?

- Yeah. Like a club.

- Hey, Soph.

- I had the best day.

- Great.

- He followed me.

- I want to be good at something.

- Well, of course you do.

You ever seen

one of these before?

Check, check, check, check.

- Check, check.

Check, check.

- Does it look all right?

- Wicked.

- I hope you're ready.

- Oh, God.

- It's show time.

Thank you for coming,

ladies and...

just lady.

I am pleased to present

original creations by Tess!

Be a cool girl

Like you were meant to be

In a stunning outfit

of skirt and top retro-"chick. "

That's our Sophie!

- Chic, not chick.

- Whatever.

And next up,

the twin evil girls.

Oh!

Whoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo!

- And finally,

the heroine of the hour,

the one and only...

Miss Tess!

- Miss Jamieson.

- Yeah,

I was just in the neighbourhood.

I wasn't, obviously.

I came to see you.

- Come on in.

- Ahem...

- Here we are.

She's very talented.

- You've been so good with them.

But I know the truth.

- I just helped her

make a few dresses.

- You got my little girl out of jail.

I got a phone call this morning

from a Detective Alvarez.

He said that he wished

that half the fathers that he met

were as loyal

and determined as you.

- Don't be too hard on her.

- I think you know me

better than that.

- I do.

- So what's next for you?

- Well, I got a job.

One of those butler cruises.

Around the world in 365 days.

- That's good for you.

When do you leave?

- First thing Saturday.

- Oh, um... these...

are... for tomorrow.

- Oh, wow.

I love the trumpet.

- Yeah. Jacques and I

were supposed to go,

but, uh, I thought

maybe you had someone special.

- No.

- Well, I guess we, uh...

we each could take one.

- Sure.

- Okay, then.

- Okay.

- Okay, well,

I'll see you there, then.

Eight o'clock tomorrow.

- Okay.

It's not a date.

- It's a date.

- Is not.

- Is.

- Oh... it's not a date.

A date, huh!

Just two people.

Two individual people who...

happen to be going to the same place

at the same time.

All I did was give Bob

my extra ticket.

- It's so a date.

- Who's going on a date?

- Mom. With Bob.

- Awesome!

- Hello.

What are you doing

at this moment?

Oh...

- I'm taking care of my family.

I'm a single woman

of a certain age, remember?

- Ah, tonight, we have those, uh...

tickets to the concert.

- Bye, Jacques.

- You will not use them.

You would not go alone.

Are you going alone?

- Are you jealous,

my little Jacques... a*s?

- Who is he?

Who is he?!

Robert.

- Robert...

Bobert...

Bob?

- It's just a night out

with a beautiful woman...

who's stolen my heart.

I've got a doorbell, you know.

- We're here to help.

Let's see what you've got.

- Could you have knocked

a little more, maybe?

- Ugly...

ew... no...

tragic...

ew...

gross... no.

What's wrong with this?

- Kind of bored of suits, you know?

- It's perfect.

What time is the concert?

- Doesn't take me long

to get ready.

- Maybe it should.

- Oh, hello, sir.

Can I help you?

- This is the Cosmopolitan

Butler School?

- It is no more.

- It is closing?

- I'm afraid so.

Not enough filthy lucre

to keep it alive.

- So...

you trained the great Bob.

- What about Bob?

- Five-day course.

Mon Dieu!

You are not a professional!

Just a sad British man

with his sad little tradition.

So...

now we have Bob the liar, too.

- If I may say so...

sir...

Bob Tree

is a finer man than most.

And it has been an honour

to know him.

- Bob!

- Wow.

- Mom, is that you?

- I'll take that as a compliment,

I think.

Now don't stay up too late.

You sure it's not too much?

- You're a hottie.

- That's a good thing, right?

It's not too risqu??

- If you've got it, flaunt it.

That's what I always say.

- You better not say that.

Good night.

- You're early.

- Yes, I am.

- Hi.

- You look... radiant.

- Huh...

you said it yourself.

I have a very talented daughter.

- Yeah, I couldn't believe it.

- Whoa. Ticket, please, sir.

- Oh, I have my... my...

my ticket, it's in there.

Bob has it.

- Bob who?

- Uh-uh-uh, Bob has my ticket.

Bob. Bob.

Oh...

Ah...

- Forget it.

- Oh, come on.

- It's like a dream, isn't it?

- You wanna go backstage?

- I don't think we're allowed.

- All right, follow me.

- Bob! Yeah!

- Euh...

- Hi, Bob.

- How ya doin'?

- Bob? Bob!

- Mama Clara!

She fired me.

- You sure we can do this?

Ooh.

- Bob, is that you?

- Vince.

Come on, Anne.

- Ah...

- How ya doin'?

- Good. How are you?

- Ahem.

- Good to see you.

- I want you to meet

a friend of mine,

Anne Jamieson.

- Charmed.

- The pleasure's mine.

- You know, a few of us

are going out for something to eat.

Would you and your date

like to, uh, go with us?

- Well, she's not a date.

- Uh, we'd love to.

- Fantastic.

- We'd love to...

- I... I saw them go back there.

- Who?

- Oh, Bob. Bob.

Are you... are you deaf?

- Huh!

- Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

- Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh!

Oh!

- Whoa.

- You seem like you know

everyone in the whole city.

- Yeah. Well, I've been fired a lot.

- It was a wonderful evening.

- Oh, Anne, your dress.

- Oh!

- Your dress.

Oh, your dress.

- Ah! Oh!

Aha...

- Oh, jeez.

- Did you and Tess plan this?

- Yeah, I...

I did teach her to sew.

- Laugh! But not for long.

If I weren't a gentleman,

I would k*ll you right now.

- Oh, Jacques!

This isn't any of your business!

- It is my business.

Put some clothes on!

- Don't you tell me what to do.

I'll... run around stark naked

if I want to.

- Anne, you have been fooled.

He is not a proper butler.

- Maybe I should just go.

- Oh, you think you can just sneak away?

Afterwhat you did?

You cannot take advantage

of a middle-aged woman!

- Oh! I am not middle-aged!

Am I?

- You're beautiful.

- And I'm going to hire Bob.

- To do what?!

He trained for five days! Five!

Cinq!

- You were gonna hire me?

- I... I... I...

Well, you really care

for my children

and they adore you.

- Ah, Anne!

This situation is intolerable!

- No, this situation is fine.

You are intolerable.

- C'est fini?

Au revoir!

- Au revoir!

Good riddance!

- Talk to my hand!

- So would you...

come back to work?

The... children miss you

and... well, we all miss you.

- I can't.

- I don't understand.

- It wouldn't be appropriate.

- Aren't you going after him?

- He's leaving

first thing in the morning.

Get up, Mom.

- Tess, what are you doing?

- Why did you work this hard, Mom?

You're all alone.

- Mom,

he's part of our family.

- Stay here.

- Go, Mom!

Go, Mom!

- Go, Mom! Go, Mom!

Go, Mom! Go, Mom!

Go, Mom! Go, Mom!

Go, Mom! Go, Mom!

Go, Mom!

Go, Mom! Go, Mom!

- What happened?

- That happened.

That's the butler cruise.

- You mean Bob left?

- What a mess!

A real mess!

It's a real mess.

- Maybe he'll come back.

- Get tidy, Anne.

Get tidy.

I'm sorry, kids. We lost Bob

and it's all my fault.

But I wanna thank you -

both.

I love you so much.

Both of you.

Please don't look at me like that.

They say kids bounce back,

but...

Bob!

Bob!

- Hi.

- What about the butler cruise?

- I couldn't leave.

Thought I'd stay.

- Car-washing?

- Well, it's early on

in the Cs.

Hey!

This is a song

About my desire to find work

My desire to find a family

- For the food

we are about to receive

and for my new dad, Bob,

we thank you, God.

- Amen.

Amen.

- Oh, honey, why don't I carve?

- Ahem-hem.

That's a gentleman's job. Ma'am.

Check it

- Not again!

Oh. Nooooo!

- Dinner is served.

My name is Bob

I'm looking for a job

When I'm not getting fired

I'm living like a slob

Go through the phonebook

looking for work

I want to be an astronaut

like Captain Kirk

Flip burgers

to make me a buck

Burn down the restaurant

is just bad luck

I got another occupation

under my belt

Keeping a job for two weeks

I'm doing well

Like the time

at the barbershop

Gave it all I got

chopped up an earlobe

He bled a lot

He never said a lot

He just screamed and got blood

on my brand new blue jeans

Oh golly gee did it again

I talked to my hamster

my only friend

Go through the phonebook again

like a fool

And I see something

it's butler school

My name is Bob

and I'm looking like a slob Bob

My name is Bob

and I need to get a job Bob

My name is Bob

not Robert just Bob

My name is Bob

and I need to get a job Bob

My name is Bob

and I'm looking like a slob Bob

My name is Bob

and I need to get a job Bob

My name is Bob

not Bobert just Bob

My name is Bob

and I need to get a job

So I jumped on my motorbike

gonna be a butler

When to the school

it was like no other

They made me balance

plates on my head yeah

They made me make a naked dude

get dressed

He dressed me up in a suit

and a vest

Took me to the rooftop

for a test

Made me climb to the edge

real slow

Looked at the ground

and I got vertigo

I thought about a woman

that I met the other day

And the vertigo stopped

spinning it went away

It felt real good

what can I say

I think I'm gonna be a butler

I'm on my way

'Cause my name is Bob

and I'm looking like a slob Bob

My name is Bob

and I need to get a job Bob

My name is Bob

not Bobert just Bob

My name is Bob

and I need to get a job Bob

My name is Bob

and I'm looking like a slob Bob

My name is Bob

and I need to get a job Bob

My name is Bob

not Bobert just Bob

My name is Bob

and I need to get a job

Went to the place

and I got a job on the spot

Living in the attic

I didn't need a lot

Take the dust to dust

I attack this

Brought the kids

to basketball practice

I make dinner

some kind of luau

I want to make the lady

say wow

But the lady comes home

and the pig explodes

Messed up again

that's all she wrote

Pretty soon

I'll be back on the street

Looking for a job

with nothing to eat

Maybe I could be a rapper

rapping on the beat

Get you on the dance floor

moving yourfeet

My name is Bob

and I'm looking like a slob Bob

My name is Bob

and I need to get a job Bob

My name is Bob

not Bobert just Bob

My name is Bob

and I need to get a job Bob

My name is Bob

and I'm looking like a slob Bob

My name is Bob

and I need to get a job Bob

My name is Bob

not Bobert just Bob

My name is Bob

and I need to get a job

My name is Bob

and I'm looking like a slob Bob

My name is Bob

and I need to get a job Bob

My name is Bob

not Bobert just Bob

My name is Bob

and I need to get a job Bob

My name is Bob

and I'm looking like a slob Bob

My name is Bob

and I need to get a job Bob

My name is Bob

not Bobert just Bob

My name is Bob

and I need to get a job