[SOFT LULLABY PLAYING]
PHIL: I was born a baby.
A blank slate. Thinking I was
in control of my own destiny.
And then I met my father.
You better be good
at this stuff.
In college, I wasn't
the most gifted athlete.
But in order to please my dad,
I strived to be the very best.
Little help,
already out of control.
I'm losing vision,
it's blackness.
You guys, you mightwant
to move out of there,
I gotta let go of this thing.
Uh-oh.
COACH: Look out!
For Pete's sake!
[VALIANT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
How far was that?
Foot and three inches.
Hope you boys are ready.
See you at the finish line.
There's a rabid cheetah
in Lane 2 here.
Runners take your mark.
Get set!
Hold on! Wait!
[GROANING]
I got it, right below
the knee, the nub.
That hurts!
No, no, no.
Your day's over, Phil.
Yes, I was quite the athlete.
[GASPS]
So much so, that I caught
the eye of the prettiest
girl in school.
Are you all right?
Yeah.
Sorry about that.
Yeah, it's no prob.
There's a horrible wind.
No, there isn't.
There is over there.
[SOFT ROCK SONG]
Dad? Hey, dad.
Barbara said "yes."
Hey, Son.
This is Janice.
I met her at the A&P.
Hi.
[JANICE GIGGLES]
We're gonna get married.
Can I talk
to you alone?
Yeah.
Be right back.
Nice to meet you, Barbara.
Heard a lot about you.
It's nice to meet you.
She's great-looking.
What you talking about?
She's terrific.
You're getting married?
Look, Phil,
I'm lonely. I'm a man.
It hasn't been
easy for me
since your mom died.
She didn't die,
she divorced you.
Mmm.
Tomatoes, tomatoes.
You know.
Baby.
One year later,
on the proudest day
of my life,
he was right there by my side.
There he is,
your grandson, Sam.
Seven pounds,
six ounces.
Oh, by the way,
he had a son on the same day.
Take a gander
at your
brother, Bucky.
Seven pounds, seven.
Just a little
bit bigger.
Welcome to my life.
Excuse me.
Hey, you didn't need
to take up two spots.
Actually, I do.
Look at the size
of this bad boy, huh?
This is cute
though, huh?
You're saving
the environment
for all of us.
Go hemp!
Unbelievable.
BUCK: Okay, boys.
Keep it down. Keep it simple.
Hey, honey.
Where've you been?
It's a tie game,
it's almost over.
I'm sorry.
ljust got
caught at work
and then I had to park
in the far parking lot.
Let's go, Gladiators!
KID: Go, Bucky!
Hey, where's Sam?
He's on the bench.
BOY: Okay, Bucky, let's go!
You're kidding me.
No.
Go Bucky! Go Bucky!
Finish it off! Finish it off!
KID 2: Come on, Bucky!
Yay! Bucky! Bucky!
Bucky!
Okay, Bucky.
BUCK: Yes! Yes!
That's my boy, Bucky!
Attaboy, Bucky!
Hey, big guy,
how'd it go?
It went great.
Bench is nice and warm.
I'm gonna see
what I can do
about that, okay?
We'll see you back
at the house, Dad.
BUCK: You played
great, Son.
I'm proud of you.
PHIL: Come on, buddy.
Hi, you guys.
Barb.
Hey, look who's here.
Two of my favorite people,
and Phil.
Very funny, Dad.
Haven't heard
that one before.
Hey, Buck.
see you got a new case
for the Pelé ball.
BUCK: That's my ball.
Get away from that.
Don't get any ideas.
Don't even touch it.
COMMENTATOR ON TV: And now...
Watch this.
...an important message
from the King.
Hi, I 'm Buck Weston,
King of Sporting Goods.
You can save...
Me.
...big on all kinds of ba*ls.
Basketballs, footballs,
hockey pucks, baseballs,
Those acting lessons
really paid off.
Yeah, I got four stores now,
and I'm opening
a fifth next month
in your neck of the woods.
You sure you don't want a job?
I got ajob, Dad.
Yeah, what? Selling vitamins?
In fact,
you need to
take more vitamins.
I take a vitamin
every day,
it's called a steak.
Look, I came up
with this myself,
look at this.
I 'm Buck Weston.
And he's got ba*ls!
Pretty good, huh?
What do you think?
I think this is
your best commercial yet.
It was pretty good.
Gripping.
Gripping.
[LEAF BLOWER BUZZING]
Ditka. Stay away from that.
Here we go again.
Hey, Ditka!
Will you knock it off!
Knock it off, would you?
Hey. Do that later,
would you, please?
I got company!
[LEAF BLOWER STOPS]
Doing my lawn.
Look, we're trying to
have a nice family
gathering, all right?
I'm trying to get
my yard cleaned,
that's all.
You're messing up my yard.
Let me ask you.
The whole world's gotta
stop 'cause of you got
a family gathering?
I'm trying to
do my lawn!
BUCK: Yeah,
but you put all your...
Guys...
Hey, stay out of this.
It's between us, okay?
Here, take some
of this back,
'cause I don't want it.
Hey! Knock it off!
It's all for you!
You're nuts!
Guys, guys!
How do you
like that, Ditka?
Take it back.
Here, you get
the whole thing!
We'll settle this
later, okay?
You know where to find me!
Yeah, exactly.
I got this for you, too!
Get out of here!
Phil, come on.
What are you looking at?
Dad, he hit me.
He hit me with the ball.
Hey, Dad,
what happened
to all your fish?
That one ate the others.
lcall him "k*ller."
k*ller?
Yeah.
I like it.
Yeah.
You might wanna
clean the water
every now and then.
Let's see what
you can do.
Hey, Dad,
I didn't know if...
I wanted to talk
to you about Sam.
Sammy's a good boy.
Yeah.
He hasn't been playing
much lately and,
I didn't know if...
Stop right there.
I agree with you.
I got some great news.
He's gonna get a lot
more playing time now.
Dad, thanks, that's
exactly what
I wanted to hear.
I traded him
to the Tigers.
BUCK: Oh. Hey!
You traded
your own grandson?
I didn't actually
get anything for him.
You know that cost
I can't believe it.
What, you calling me
a liar? I'll show
you the receipt.
No, I'm talking
about Sam!
Why didn't you
just play him more?
He is going to
play more, Philly.
Yeah, for another team!
You care about winning
that much?
Look, Phil,
I'm notjust
coaching soccer.
I'm building men.
Okay. Yeah.
Hey...
It's an impressive
shot. Sure.
But I want Sam
to have fun. This isn't
the big leagues.
For those who live
between Broadway
and Grandville,
between the ages
of 10 and 12,
who are free
on Sundays
and Tuesdays,
this is the big leagues.
But what about Sam?
You saw him out
there today.
It breaks my heart.
At best, he's
a benchwarmer.
Wow! Oh!
Oh, k*ller! k*ller...
How did that happen?
Hey, Sam, you wanna
give us a minute?
Need a little adult time.
Uh-huh.
Of all the asinine things
my dad has done,
this is by far
the most asinine.
I mean, I know he's
the most competitive
man in the world.
But this beats them all.
I'm angry.
I'm spitting angry!
I'm like a tornado
of anger,
swirling about!
My heart rate
is dangerously
high right now.
I'm glad it happened, I...
What?
Yeah.
What do you mean?
Where did my wife go?
Are you a robot?
Are you a robot, woman?
lam not a robot.
but you have to try
to find the positive
in this.
It was unhealthy for
Sam to play on
your dad's team.
Now he'll play
for the Tigers
and have some fun.
Okay, look,
you're too upset
about this.
So, I'll tell him, okay?
No,no,no,
no,no,no,L”
I need to tell him.
[EXHALES]
[GRUNTS]
Benchwarmer?
Boy, did that
hurt my face.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Sammy?
Yeah?
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Internet dating?
NO.
Mail-order bride?
NO.
Just kidding.
Look,
got
some good news.
I got you put on a new team.
I'm not on
the Gladiators anymore?
No.
You're on the Tigers.
[SNARLING]
The Tigers?
Yeah.
They're in last place.
Yeah, but you're gonna get
more playing time.
Did Grandpa trade me?
NO.
Yes, wait.
I'm happy this is happening.
This is a good thing.
It doesn't seem
like a good thing,
but it's a good thing.
Trust me.
You do not wanna be the kid
that's on the other end
of the bench.
You do not
want to be that kid.
'Cause I know that kid.
You don't wanna be him.
Okay.
You don't wanna be the kid
who has such suppressed rage
that his heart's about
to burst through his chest.
You don't wanna be the kid
that when he thinks about
what his dad did to him...
[PANTING] I know that kid.
I know...
That kid lives right here
in this house!
Mom!
[WHEEZING]
Mom! He doesn't know
what to do. He doesn't...
Ouch! Phew.
Okay?
Yes. Good.
Coach Benson will
be good for you.
He knows his stuff.
You know, I bet you
this whole thing
is gonna turn out
to be a blessing
in disguise.
The Tigers may be
in last place,
but those guys
look pretty good.
Dad, those aren't
the Tigers. They're not
even wearing blue.
The Tigers are over there.
I'm having a baby.
Oh, I'm having a baby.
NO hitting the baby.
No, no, don't hit
my precious baby.
Look, it's gonna come out!
It's gonna come out!
Cut it out!
Oh, look, it's gonna come out!
Oh.
Hi, excuse me.
Coach Benson around?
Yeah, you all know
Phil Weston?
Oh, yeah.
Welcome to the team,
little fellow.
Why don't you go join
those other kids
over there?
Yeah, go ahead.
There's a moving truck
in front of
Benson's house.
Did you hear?
The pressure of coaching
got to him. He cracked.
How could he crack?
We're only one game
into the season.
All right, Tigers,
it's game time.
But we're waiting
for our coach.
Then one of you
will have to coach.
But I had talked
to Coach Benson,
we're brand new...
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
All right.
Find yourself a coach,
or the Tigers forfeit.
Yes?
Where do I know you from?
I've been your neighbor
for seven years.
No, that ain't it.
No, that's definitely it.
I'll figure it out.
SO, who's gonna coach?
We got Mark into soccer,
'cause we wanted
to take a break.
I didn't think I'd be
coaching the
little bugger.
ljust got laid off.
I'm looking for a job
so it's hard enough
to drag myself out of bed.
SO, we forfeit.
SO, we're forfeiting?
No, no, no, no. Uh...
You know what,
I can coach.
Well, that's swell!
Great!
Just for one game.
It's game time.
Get your team on the field.
Who are we playing?
How about you
use your eyes?
Oh, great.
BUCK: All right, guys.
Everybody up.
Let's go, come on.
Let's go, come on.
Lift them. Lift them.
Hey, hey, hey.
[CHUCKLES]
What are you doing here?
Where's Benson?
Benson's a no-show.
I'm gonna coach
the Tigers today.
Ooh.
You sure you
wanna do that?
How you doing, Buck?
Players take the field.
Good luck, Buck.
Yeah. All right.
Yeah, good luck.
Yeah, you, too.
May the best man win?
He will.
Yeah.
[WHISTLES] J.T., let's go.
Hey, let's go, everybody.
Hey, hey! [WHISTLES]
Okay. Let's go, guys.
Okay, Tigers,
why don't we have
starters take the field?
We don't have starters,
we never got that far.
All right. Well, then,
how about, uh,
you,you,you?
Yes.
You.
Me?
No, not you.
You, Sam, you, you, you,
and you.
You guys,
hit the field.
All right!
Go get them. Huh?
GO get them.
They're gonna k*ll us,
you know.
I'm sorry,
did you say something?
We're gonna get k*lled.
You don't know
that for sure.
Yeah, I do.
And it's gonna be awful.
Charge!
[CHILDREN YELLING]
MAN 1: Defense!
[SCREAMING]
MAN 2: Get the ball!
Yeah!
That was fast.
[GRUNTS]
Sorry about the fall, Sam.
See you at the barbecue.
Come on!
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
Great, great, great.
You wanna go in?
NO. I'm fine.
You guys?
No, I'm cool.
I'm staying.
[ALL YELLING]
[REFEREE WHISTLES]
[KID SCREAMING]
That's the game!
Poetry in motion, Philly!
[SIGHS]
PHIL: Bring it on in.
Gather around.
Come on in.
Good job.
[SIGHS]
Powerful kicking.
Powerful kicking.
Uh, excuse me.
Just don't do that
with the cup.
All in all, just,
yeah, good.
Good group effort.
Were you watching
the same game?
Yeah.
Really, give yourselves
a pat on the back.
Inspiring
speech, Phil.
Hey, Patty.
Hey, darling.
How you doing?
Looking great out there.
Yeah, you said it.
Tough game today?
We did okay.
All right, look.
What do you say
I take Sam back,
be on a winning team,
he'll get a trophy,
and who cares
if he's a benchwarmer?
No.
NO?
No, he's not
going to be
a benchwarmer.
Not my son.
Not on your team.
'Cause I'm, uh,
I'm gonna coach
the Tigers.
Ooh. Ouch.
"Ouch." Why "ouch"?
Nothing. Nothing.
[LAUGHS]
You really think
you can coach
in my league?
Yeah.
Okay.
I'll see you on the field.
Okay. Be forewarned,
muchacho.
You're in the show now.
What was
that all about?
I'm gonna be the new
permanent coach
of the Tigers.
Yep. Really?
Cool!
Honey, that's great.
Yeah.
Why are you so angry?
No, this isn't angry.
This is happy.
Yay.
This could be fun. Yep.
Okay.
I got a lot
of work to do.
Come on.
Take that
for me, buddy.
Hi.
Oh, hello.
We didn't get to
introduce ourselves
last time. I'm Ann Hogan.
Hi.
Donna Jones.
Hi.
You can call me "Chief."
Okay. This is
my son, Sam.
Hi.
Hey, Sam.
Hi, this is Byong Sun.
Hi, Byong Sun.
Hi, Byong Sun.
Byong Sun and Sam,
why don't you guys
go on ahead, okay?
Okay.
All right. Okay, good.
Yeah, Byong
Sun's real shy.
This book helped us
deal with it.
You'll probably wanna
give it a glance.
"My Child is Shy. "
ANN: Yeah.
Thank you. Thank you.
Good.
I'm
s
O
r
rY
w
h
O's
Y
O
u
r
s
o
n
.7
Actually, you know what,
I don't see. I'm sorry, I...
Oh, wait, now I see.
Wow.
[SOFTLY] Okay.
We're at every game.
Not like a lot
of the other parents.
No, not like
the other parents at all.
Better! You're better than
the other parents.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, so
they're better?
No, I mean,
they're different.
What do you mean "different"?
You're different
because you're better.
How are they better?
NO, look...
You're both better different
in a different but better way.
Okay. You know what,
let's get the rest
of his stuff.
A little early
to start playing
favorites, Phil.
Okay, guys,
let's take the field.
Get up, Dad.
KID: Nice fall.
Hold up!
KID 2: Love it, yeah!
PHIL: Grab a ball!
Here we go.
Fan out.
Form a circle here.
Great. Okay, now,
I don't know,
it mayjust be me,
but, I really got a feeling
like we could catch fire
and have a great season. Huh?
Now, who's with me?
[WHOOPS]
It's electric in the air!
Yeah!
Thank you
for that show
of enthusiasm.
I thought we would
just start today
by going around,
introducing yourselves,
telling me your strengths
on the soccer field.
All right.
Start with you.
Hey, I'm Hunter.
Hey, Hunter. I'm Phil.
Hi, Phil. Uh, I'll eat
this worm for 5 bucks.
How would that help us?
I'd have an extra 5 bucks?
No, you're not going to
eat that, are you?
Ugh!
Did you just eat that?
Yeah, I ate it.
Now you owe me 5 bucks.
I didn't agree
to pay you 5 bucks.
Forget it.
Pass it to someone else.
I'm Byong Sun.
Hi, Byong Sun.
lam a very kind person.
That's sweet.
That's very sweet.
Anything that
relates to soccer?
No, sir.
Maybe you and Ambrose
could team up.
He's big.
You might form
one mega-person.
Okay. Forget that
I just said that.
Pass it to someone else.
I'm Mark Avery.
I like to keep
my pimp hands strong.
You dig, cr*cker?
You feel me?
What does that mean?
I really don't know.
I heard it on
a rap video once.
Oh.
But, I'm really funny.
I got like
a million jokes.
Great. Okay, yeah.
I'd love to hear one. sh**t.
Remember when you
called us out onto the
field and you fell over?
Right. Yeah?
[CHUCKLES]
Man! I got you good!
[ALL LAUGHING]
Somebody call the burn unit.
I got you bad!
How did I get burned?
Apparently, I don't get it.
Okay. Doesn't matter.
You know what?
Let's just do some drills.
Now, this one,
all the great players have
done at one time or another.
It's called "the snake."
Player in the back dribbles
the ball in a weaving fashion
around the players and stops
[CHILDREN YELLING]
Hey!
Okay, that's not the snake.
Uh...
Honey, it was
your first practice.
It'll get better.
No, it's gonna get worse.
You need to give it
some time, Phil.
I already know.
It was awful.
The kids were
just running around.
They weren't
listening tO me.
They were like
whirling dervishes.
I don't even know
what a whirling dervish is,
but that's what
they were like.
You know why?
'Cause I'm not a coach.
Okay? I don't know
what I'm doing.
My dad. He's a coach.
He knows the game.
He's confident, he's smart,
witty, dynamic, vicious,
brutal, vindictive.
A monster.
And he will win
through intimidation and
forceful tactics if need be.
I'm not like that.
In fact,
I don't know anyone like that.
DO you?
So, Paul,
what's on your mind?
Actually, it's Phil.
You mean, it's not Paul?
NO, it's Phil.
What's the difference?
Come on. Spit it out.
Here it is.
DIANA: Mike!
Hold this.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Oh, no. NO, no, we do not
allow smoking
in the house.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.
Here, I'll get
rid of it, honey.
Anwvay, I'm coaching
my son's soccer team.
And I didn't know
if you might be
willing to help.
Soccer?
Actually, I want you
to assistant coach.
Your assistant coach?
You really don't know
who I am, do you?
You're right.
Silly idea.
ljust need some help
and you're such
a great coach.
My dad's gonna
be riding me
all season, so ljust...
Oh-h*-h*-h*-h*.
Your dad? You mean I get
to coach against your dad?
Yeah.
DIANA: Mike, I smell smoke!
Nobody's smoking!
Mike!
For Pete's sake!
SO, it's me and you
against your old man?
I mean, there
are other teams.
Got you!
No smoking means
no smoking!
Okay, come on, Phil.
I'll throw this
out the window, honey.
I'm sorry, Mrs...
I'm sorry.
You should be.
It's a nasty, filthy habit.
Hey.
You can count me in.
Really?
Let's bring
the old man down.
Oh, great.
KID: Give me a drink.
It's just a great group.
Okay, Tigers.
Look who's here.
I'll give you a hint.
Hall of Fame?
Chicago Bears?
Sammy Sosa?
No, no, no.
Come on.
NO, football.
Coached the 1986...
'85.
'85 Bears
to a Super Bowl victory?
It's Mike Ditka.
Yeah.
Do you know
Sammy Sosa?
Hey, zip it, kid!
I'm a coach
that knows about winning.
I'm gonna push you guys
like you've never been
pushed before.
Some of you are gonna wish
lwas dead.
It's true. I know
it's a weird thought,
but it's true.
I eat quitters for
breakfast and I spit
out their bones.
Delicious.
Now this is gonna
be the hardest
most difficult thing you ever
attempted in your entire life.
But you know what?
When it's over...
It will get emotional.
When it's over...
When it's over...
...you guys are gonna
be champions.
Champions.
By God, you're gonna
be champions.
All right, everybody up.
Come on, hands in.
Come on, everybody
Let's go out
and kick some butt.
Here we go. On three.
Let's have fun.
One, two, three.
Let's have fun.
"Let's have fun"?
What's that?
ljust made it up.
On the ground,
give me the pushups,
come on.
If you guys were
with the Bears,
I'd fine you each
This calls
for some drastic measures.
We're gonna make
some changes around here.
Come on, move it.
Move it! Faster! Faster!
BYONG SUN: Faster. Faster.
DITKA: Move it! Move it!
Put some pressure
on those legs!
BYONG SUN: Faster. Faster.
No candy! Your mother
said you can't have
any candy!
No candy.
Give me it back.
No. Please?
DITKA: Hey!
I got eyes
in the back of my head.
Come on, girls.
You gotta move it.
You gotta move it.
All the way!
Come on, move it. Move it.
But, coach, how is this
gonna help me with soccer?
It's not gonna help you
with soccer,
but I'm gonna
get my trash
taken out, okay?
Come on, Beyonce,
let's get that
back end done.
Coach? Shouldn't
we be going
to soccer practice?
I'm not going to
soccer practice
with a dirty car.
[WHISTLE BLOWING]
PHIL: Here we go, g*ng.
Let's go, Tigers. Come on.
Let's go get them.
DITKA: Come on,
kick butt out there.
You're great.
Hey, Sam.
Yeah?
What is it, Dad?
How you doing?
Good.
Good.
Ow.
What was
that for? Jeez!
Did you just
kick your son?
Yeah.
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Stop them! Come on.
Stop them!
Are you following me?
NO.
[GROANS]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[GROANS]
Oh.
Oh.
Shake it off, Sam.
Get some circulation
back in your skull.
GO, Jack, go.
Yes.
Jack! Good job, Jack!
[CHEERING]
That's a legitimate
goal, right?
That's a real goal.
Okay, then,
that's a real goal.
Ten more of those
and we're in business.
Look at me, I'm the ref.
I'm the ref. I'm the ref.
Hey, hey, hey.
REFEREE: All right.
Very funny.
I'm the ref. You can't
catch me if you want,
because I'm the ref.
Okay. Very funny. Very,
very funny. Very funny.
All right.
You all had a laugh?
Fine! Play on!
Sorry about that.
How much do you think
those things are?
I have no idea.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[GRUNTS]
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
Man!
Two, four, six, eight, who...
Shut up you little rats!
They're just showing
their appreciation.
Forget the appreciation.
I wanna win a soccer game!
Okay.
Hey, can I have this?
Yeah, go ahead.
All right!
Uh...
Good game, everyone.
Great effort.
AMBROSE: Come on, let's go.
We'll just reconvene
at a later time.
All right, everyone.
If I could
have your attention.
I got a little something
for the Tigers here
to express my gratitude
and just a big thank you
for all the hard work.
WOMAN: All right!
So...
SO what'd you bring, Phil?
Finches.
Fishes?
No! No, no, no. No.
Finches. Birds.
I'm holding them.
They're tiny birds.
Yeah, so everyone,
come up here
and grab a finch.
Come on.
Come on, guys.
You can watch them grow,
right in front
Of your very own eyes.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
We have to keep them?
You get to keep them.
Why is this fun?
BUCK: [want to welcome
you all to tonight's
Highland Heights
Soccer Organization
parent's dinner.
Every year, we like to take
a little time for the coaches
to come up here
to tell us a little
about their team.
How about I bring up someone
who's new to coaching
in this league
but is close to me?
I love him like a son.
Come on up, Phil.
Come on, Phil.
Come on, Philly. Come on.
GO. Yes.
Good guy.
Good guy.
Good to see you.
Thanks, Dad.
Thanks, Janice.
Hello, uh,
I’m Phil Weston.
And you got ba*ls!
[ALL LAUGHING]
He's got vitamins.
[ALL LAUGHING]
That's very funny, Dad.
Hilarious.
So when I took over
for Coach Benson...
lhear
he's a woman now.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Ooh.
Actually, truth be told,
no one knows
where he is right now.
A lot of people
are concerned.
I don’t know
why that’s funny.
God, I'm going to be honest,
I... ldidn't plan
on speaking tonight.
I was actually hoping
that my assistant coach
would be here
and, uh, to kind of...
[ALL MURMURING]
Ladies and gentlemen,
I would like
to introduce Mike Ditka.
It's Mike Ditka, everyone!
Say a few words.
Thanks, Paul.
Thanks, everybody.
It's great to be here
and we're gonna have
a lot of fun tonight.
Paul's got the Tigers
on the move.
All right!
You live long enough,
you see everything.
Iron Mike
and Aluminum Phil
coaching the Tigers.
[ALL LAUGHING]
I couldn ’t
really hear you.
My Super Bowl ring
was making
too much noise.
Ooh.
You see it, Dad?
Right there, Dad.
That was a great one.
Read it and weep.
Ditka is a great coach,
we understand that,
but he's
a football coach.
Understand?
Right.
And we are still
losing, Phil.
Okay, I understand
your concern about
our record, but with me
it's not about win-lose.
We are going to
win one game
eventually, right?
We've had a rocky start,
but with a strong
team effort,
we will win some.
lthink.
Remember,
there's no "I" in team.
But there is an "I" in win.
There is an "I" in win.
Hey, wait.
Parents.
Honey.
I didn't see you
step up when
the team was in need.
Okay.
Okay.
Phil is not the greatest
coach in the world,
I'll give you that
but at least he's trying.
I can defend myself, please.
You think he enjoys losing
week after week,
in front of his own son?
You're making it worse.
You're making it worse.
And what's the deal
with the birds?
That was so weird.
I've got my hands
full with Hunter.
I don't need a bird.
You know what? You got me.
All right?
The finches
were a bad idea.
I wasn't going to say this,
but I think some of them
have salmonella.
A fair amount, in fact.
WOMAN: What?
I may have inadvertently
poisoned your children.
You and I, we got
something going.
Maybe we should
think about coaching
Little League together.
You really think that?
Yeah.
Coach Ditka?
Yes?
Hi. Um, uh, our son,
Byong Sun,
he's very shy
and I was
just wondering...
Sure. Yeah, I'd be glad to.
Thank you so much.
How do you spell that?
It's Byong Sun. B-Y...
lthink I got it.
Okay, thank you.
Okay?
Bye-bye.
Thanks, Phil.
Yeah. They're great.
Just a wonderful couple.
Yeah.
Bing Bong?
Hey, Philly.
Yeah, Dad.
Hey.
I've been meaning
to talk to you about
this Ditka thing.
I don't like it one bit.
Yeah, he's right here.
I'm not blind. What,
are you trying to
stick it to the old man?
You go to my mortal
enemy for help?
That's no way to talk
about your neighbor, Dad.
Yeah?
He's right.
I hated him
from the first time
I laid eyes on him.
Maybe before that,
because I know
you're the guy that wrote
"Ditka sucks"
on my driveway.
What are you even doing here?
You're doing this
to get under my skin.
I'm glad you figured
it out. I'm getting
under your skin.
It's gonna get worse
before it gets better.
In your dreams.
Ooh.
Hey.
Why don't you take that
pretty young wife
of yours and go home?
What did you call her?
PHIL: Guys, please.
It's a compliment.
I said she's lovely
and she's young.
She's the light
of my life.
You don't talk
about her like that.
I go home when I want.
It's Mike Ditka. He's big.
Stay out of this.
I'll tell you
for the last time, Weston.
Hit the road!
Who's gonna make me?
I am gonna make you.
You're acting like...
I took a punch
from Hall Of Famer
Mike Ditka,
and I did not go down.
Sure, I wobbled a bit,
but I did not go down.
That Ditka has fists
like a small truck.
Come here.
Okay.
[GROANS]
Yeah, you need to relax.
Yeah.
You should've seen
the look on my
dad's face. Priceless.
'Cause that punch
was meant for him,
that's what
makes me feel so good.
Okay, Phil, can we please
not talk about your dad
or Ditka tonight? Please.
You just need to relax.
You're right.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
Yeah, ljust get...
[SOBBING]
I'm in way over my head.
I got punched
in the face
and it hurt.
Honey, come on,
the kids need
a real coach.
Phil?
Yeah?
I love you.
What does that have
to do with anything?
Okay. lquit. lgive up.
You go talk to Ditka.
What for? He scares me.
Have you ever
looked into his eyes?
Or at his hair?
He's been coaching
for a long time.
Share your feelings with him.
You want me to share
my feelings of inadequacy
with Mike Ditka?
What else can you do?
Okay. You're right.
You're right.
You're always right.
I'm sorry.
I'll go talk to him.
Okay.
Okay.
And, Phil.
Yeah?
Try not to cry
in front of him.
Hey, hey, get a grip
on yourself,
okay? Man up.
I can't.
You better or else
I'm getting out of here.
Here, drink this coffee.
I don't like coffee.
It's a vasoconstrictor.
Coffee is the number one
drink in the world.
Everybody drinks it.
Even little kids
in Mexico drink coffee.
I'm not a little kid
in Mexico.
Okay? In fact,
I don't know who lam.
I took a long hard look
at myself in the mirror,
you know what I saw?
What?
Nothing.
My dad, he's something.
I mean, I've never lived up
to my dad's expectations.
And to top it all off,
I'm letting Sam down.
My own son!
OW! Hey.
Knock it off.
I don't care about that.
Why is everyone
slapping me lately?
Drink the coffee.
It'll make you
feel better.
I don't like...
Um, uh.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's good.
Picks you up.
It calms you down.
It's the lifeblood
that drives the dreams
of champions.
[GASPS]
Now, you gotta tell me
the problem, but if you cry,
I'm out Of here.
I can't do it. I can't coach.
I can't beat my old man.
You can beat your dad!
He'sjust a man.
This coaching
business, Paul,
is tough stuff.
Phil.
Whatever. It's tough stuff.
And when you lose,
it all comes down on you.
Listen, when you put it
all together, and you win,
it's the greatest feeling
in the world. It's like
winning the Super Bowl.
Really?
Yeah, really.
Except, you saddled me
with a bunch of stiffs.
Take me 3 years
to get these guys
shaped up.
I'm sorry.
But I got a good idea.
Maybe we take
a shortcut,
stick it to your
old man real good.
But in order to do that,
we gotta get some fresh meat.
Okay.
Keep this up,
you get nowhere in meat.
Maria, the prosciutto.
It's almost 10:00.
Okay.
Umberto!
Hey, coach.
Don't you worry,
I got you bratwurst
all ready.
Hello.
Beautiful. Grazie.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
Are your nephews
working today?
GO back and take a look
at these guys.
Really?
Yeah.
Maria?
Si?
Wow!
They're terrific.
Pretty impressive, huh?
BOTH: Yes!
[BOTH WHOOPING]
These kids are
the right age,
and they live
in the district.
Why not?
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
Excuse me, mister.
Your two nephews...
Si?
Would they be interested
in playing soccer?
Who, Massimo
e Gian PierO?
Yeah.
No, no, no,
they not play soccer.
They come here
to apprentice me.
They have too
much to learn.
You know, English, meat.
Too much.
So they don't play
soccer at all?
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
PHIL: They could learn
from the American kids.
Don't look like that
to me, please.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
They play with
American kids,
they pick up English.
A lot of famous athletes
have learned English
through sports.
Sammy Sosa.
Yeah.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
Leon Spinks, Elvis Costello.
NO.
BjOrn Borg, Mark Spitz.
Let the kids
have some fun.
Okay!
Yay!
Great.
But remember.
Meat first, then soccer.
Yes!
I told you. Every great
thing in life starts
with a brat.
Tigers, huddle up.
Get in here. Come on.
Get in here, guys.
Come on. Everybody up.
I know we're on
a five-game losing streak,
but I've got good news.
Umberto. I've got
two new players
joining the team.
Guys, Gian Piero
and Massimo.
These boys are from Italy,
so they don't speak English
that well.
We're all gonna
help them learn.
They're apprentice
butchers.
Did the blacksmiths
and the candlestick makers
not make it?
Shut up.
I come back, pick up 5:00.
Okay.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
Prima what?
Meat first. First!
Meat first.
Yes, we love meat.
Yes, si.
Ciao.
BOTH: Ciao.
You fellows,
put these on.
Yeah, try them on
and, uh, take the field.
Take-a-the-field.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
MAN: All right,
come on!
[GRUNTS]
GIAN: Massimo!
[GRUNTS]
MASSIMO: Gian Piero!
WOMAN: Follow it.
Wow! Crazy!
Whoa.
GIAN: Massimo!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
BYONG SUN: Yeah, team!
New game plan.
Get the ball
to the Italians.
[CHEERFUL ITALIAN SONG]
[ALL CHEERING]
Come on.
Guys, bring it in.
[BOYS CHANTING]
Bring it in.
Two, four, six, eight,
who do we appreciate?
Generals! Generals! Yeah!
I just got excited.
Nice job.
Nice job.
Pizza at my house.
We won, Dad.
We finally won.
We broke the Tiger curse.
Yes.
[CHILDREN CLAMORING]
No biting, come on.
PHIL: Hey, guys?
Whoa! Settle down.
Everyone.
Get enough pizza?
You definitely had
enough candy,
I can tell that.
ljust... Owl
That got me
right in the nipple.
Hey, guys,
ljust wanna say,
"Congratulations on
the Tigers' first victory!"
[ALL CHEERING]
There's more
where that came from.
That's right.
You guys,
you all played great.
SO did Gian Piero
and Massimo who
couldn't be here because...
ALL: Meat comes first!
Right.
Got you a gift.
Soccer Dan
Instructional DVD.
We're gonna keep
learning as we go.
This is where we're really
gonna hone our skills.
This will take us
to the next level.
Study it.
Watch it. I only watched it
for five minutes,
I already learned this.
This is called "up and over."
[ALL YELLING]
You can learn things like...
Maybe back over here.
[WHOOPING]
Fakes left, fakes right,
he shoots!
BARBARA:
What is going on in there?
Guys, I said no
playing soccer
in the house.
You did.
You said it a lot.
Who did that?
He did.
ALL: He did!
What?
Nah-uh.
KiII Phil!
Hey! All right!
Goal!
[CHEERING IN ITALIAN]
Why don't our
two new players
speak any English?
Because they're Italian.
You didn't know English
that whole first year
of your life.
You had that made-up,
like, goo-goo,
gaa-gaa baby language.
It was really irritating.
Dad.
You learned.
[ALLURING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
[SNIFFING]
What's that haunting aroma?
I don't know.
Oh.
Hello.
Hi, there.
Hi, my name
is Phil.
This is my son, Sam,
and I'm brand
new to coffee.
SO I don't want too much.
Okay.
Can you take half
of the regular version
of the coffee
and mix itwith half
of the decaffeinated version?
Or is thatjust
too weird
a thing to ask for?
Half-Caff?
Right. Half-Caff.
Half-Caff.
We're gonna have
a Half-Caff.
We're gonna
have Half-Caff.
Yay.
And, a Half-Caff.
That's me.
Mother Of Pearl!
That is hot!
[EXCLAIMS]
That was hot.
Should have waited
for the jacket.
Yeah. I know, I got too eager.
Another Half-Caff.
Another Half-Caff.
Whoa!
You.
Head.
Okay. GO.
Okay. Foot on bail,
and pull. GO.
Okay.
Yeah!
Tap. Pull.
Okay?
Tap and pull?
Yes.
Mamma mia.
You're a real duffer,
you know?
ALL: I'm not worthy.
I'm not worthy.
How do you say
"pizza" in Italian?
Pizza.
How do you
say "spaghetti"?
Spaghetti.
Italian is easy.
Thank you. Hello.
Hello.
Where're you from?
Australia.
That's a lovely accent.
Thank you.
You still waiting
for your coffee?
Yeah.
Make sure you get one
of these sleeves.
I burned myself last time.
Thanks for the tip.
Something you
don't know at first.
[MUFFLED SCREAM]
Would you look
at those Italians go?
Oh, God,
I'm in bad shape for 11.
[ALL CHANTING] Worm!
Okay, Bucky,
it was like,
so awesome.
You should have saw it.
They just score
and score and score
and score and score
and score and score.
ltwas all too much,
I had to take an Advil.
I got a headache almost.
You should get
some Italians
on your team.
It's like ba-boom!
Ba-boom!
Are you guys getting
any playing time, like...
No.
French Roast.
Right.
Guatemalan
with a little Ethiopian.
Absolutely.
That's not coffee.
That's my Russian vodka!
Jack!
NO! Mom!
UV index is high today.
I'm in the middle
of a game,
come on!
I know. But your skin's
more important.
Mom, come on.
Okay, go!
Keep passing
to the Italians!
[ALL WHOOPING]
GO Tigers!
Spaghetti, marinara, lasagna
Don't forget
the meatballs!
Hey, hey!
Hey! Here we go!
Hey.
Are you serious?
I'll go change in my car.
Hurry up.
Yeah.
Hey, Philly.
Smells good.
Yeah.
They're sirloin burgers.
No, I mean the air.
What?
Smells fresh.
Yeah.
What do you mean?
Beautiful day.
Yeah.
Couldn't ask
for a more beautiful day.
I'm feeling fully alive.
Tigers have won
five in a row.
The Italians and Ditka
have won five in a row.
We're 500.
Yeah, we're 1,000.
Look, Dad, I got a feeling
we're gonna make it
to the finals.
You what?
Gonna go where?
Yeah.
You're serious?
Yeah, you bet I'm serious.
[CHUCKLING]
Looks like somebody
needs to be taken down
a couple of notches.
What is the law, Phil?
Stop it, Dad.
The law says,
"You shall never beat
the old man at anything."
Just serve.
Okay.
Ow!
[LAUGHING]
Oh, foul, foul, foul!
Come on!
Fee! a little klutzy?
All right.
Okay, here we gO.
[GROANING]
Sorry. Huevos Rancheros.
You wanna quit now?
No, no, no, no, no.
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
[GRUNTS]
[CHUCKLES]
Olé!
You okay?
Serve it.
[GROANING]
Phil? Honey?
Don't talk to me,
it's father-son time!
Come on.
Somebody Should be
videotaping this.
Who's your trainer?
Stop talking and serve!
Maniac.
Now,
bury you.
Bury you!
Bury you! Bury you!
Yeah. I'll see you inside.
Okay.
[BUCK CHUCKLING]
That's the best
I've ever played
against him.
Yeah, it didn't grind
the barbecue
to a halt at all.
Ow!
You made an excellent
impression on your son,
by the way.
I almost had you.
What do you
call that again,
when you almost win?
Oh, yeah, yeah, losing.
I'll tell you, Dad. The Tigers
are making it to the finals.
Ain't never gonna happen.
Oh, yeah?
Never.
You wanna make a bet?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Fine. Okay. We'll bet.
I beat you,
and you sell that
break-even
snake-oil stand of yours.
And you're gonna come
to work for me.
No. No, I'm not
gonna work for you.
Uh? Oh.
[BUCK CLUCKING]
Okay, Okay,
okay, okay. Stop.
But if I win...
What?
I get the Pelé ball.
Do what?
If I beat you
in the finals,
Pelé ball.
It's mine. I get it.
COMMENTATOR: Here comes Pelé.
A little high
and into the crowd.
I got it!
No. I got it.
Yeah!
Dad? Dad?
What?
Can I have the ball?
For what?
I caught it. Why?
You get the next one.
If I beat you in the finals,
I get the Pelé ball.
For the day.
Forever.
No way, Jose.
NO, sir. No way.
[IMITATING CHICKEN CLUCKING]
All right. All right.
Yeah?
We got ourselves
a bet, okay?
All right.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Yes.
See you tomorrow.
Okay. Good.
Yeah, I think we're
gonna have
to cut you off, sir.
Not a chance. Gotta go
feed the meter.
Line them up.
Your wife told me
about the bet you made
with your old man.
Yeah? What of it?
I think maybe
you're getting
ahead of yourself.
We played the easy part
of our schedule.
We gotta win
five games in a row
just to make
the semifinals.
So maybe you should...
Maybe you should
worry more
about the team
and less about
the schedule.
What?
There's a lot
of slothfulness
going on.
Slothfulness?
Yeah.
Let's go, Tigers.
Bring it in.
Bring it in, guys.
Let's go.
Grab some bench.
Look how much time it takes
for them to come in.
Take a seat. Let's go.
Okay, guys.
I had you come here
early today,
so we could talk
about some sloppy play.
It's come to my attention
that lately, I've noticed
a general, blatant disregard
for our game plan.
Ambrose.
Yeah?
I saw a bunch of
nonsense out there.
What was going through
yourhead
out there last week?
I was breaking my back
for you because
of my love for the game.
Liar!
Jack.
What?
Who are you supposed
to pass the ball to?
The Italians.
Right. Alex, when?
When I come in contact
with the ball.
The instant you come
in contact with the ball.
That's our strategy.
It's one of the many plays
we've worked out.
It's the only play
we've worked out.
How many sarcastic pills
did you take this morning?
Coach, I'm just saying...
"But, Coach..."
[MOCKING]
You gotta lighten up.
He started it.
I seem to remember
a certain little boy
who was very sad
when he lost.
And that same little boy
was very happy when he won.
I'm doing this
for you, okay?
So that we can have fun.
Right? Fun. Okay.
Yeah.
Hey, you're late.
Where've you been?
There's a problem.
Wait, where's Gian Piero
and Massimo?
We were supposed to
pick them up.
Hey, what's going on?
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
Where are my Italians?
Hmm?
I can't afford
to lose this one, Umberto.
Meat is now.
Me and the boy
will work all day
to get this order done.
It's a big order.
No, no, no. Believe me,
I know. Meat comes first.
Sure. I've only heard it about
a thousand times from you.
I can't talk to you.
Here, you take this.
I 'm really getting sick
and tired of
"the meat comes first."
I'm sorry.
Happy birthday
Quiet please!
Shut up! I'm on the phone.
You're not the only one
in the park.
[KID CRYING]
At a certain point,
these kids
just wanna play soccer.
They don't care
about the meat.
Do I have to say that?
'Cause that's gonna 'cause
some kind of
a dramatic situation here.
What are you saying?
Hello? Umberto? Umberto?
[DISCONNECTED]
All right, guys.
We got 25 minutes
and a lot of beef to cut.
Let's get to it.
Watch me, boys,
I'm going in!
Whoa!
[HORN BLARING]
We made it.
Sorry we're late.
Hey, Stew.
Hey.
Listen. One Of my guys
didn't bring his socks.
SO, we forfeit.
You hear that, Vultures,
we forfeit. Let's go.
Come on! Run!
Hurry, run quickly!
Run to the car!
Run! Don't look back! Run!
We won!
We won.
ALL: Two, four, six, eight,
who do we appreciate?
Vultures. Vultures.
Yeah!
PHIL: Good job, guys.
Phil, it's freezing out here.
It's not Phil.
It's Coach Weston.
And it's not
freezing out here.
Then why did you
build a fire?
Because fire
is the stuff of warriors.
And that's what
we are, right?
Warriors?
The Hopi Indians
called fire...
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
Coach, what are we doing
out here, anyway?
We're bonding.
We're becoming a team.
Surviving the elements,
here in the backyard.
Coach, did you order
the pizzas yet?
In due time, Connor.
Due time.
However,
I want all of you to know,
if the pizzas don't arrive,
I've already made the decision
that we will eat Byong Sun.
All right.
We're not gonna eat him.
But he does look delicious,
you have to admit, right,
if we had to eat someone?
Dad, you're getting
a little creepy.
I know,
let's all bay at the moon.
What?
You know, how! like a wolf.
[HOWLING]
WOMAN: Shut up out there!
You Shut up in there!
Come on, everyone.
Bay at the moon.
[BARKING]
[ALL SCREAMING]
WOMAN: Ooh, I don't know.
The Irish Cream
sounds good, huh? What's that?
It's cream and it's Irish.
Hurry up and order.
Excuse me. Thank you.
How about a smoothie?
What's in that?
Smoothie's a juice drink.
We want coffee.
Buddy, relax.
NO, you relax.
I'm a regular here.
This line needs to move.
I beg your pardon.
Do you have scones?
Tall, non fat, double latte...
Sir, you're at
the back of the line.
I recognize that!
Cut it out
or you're out of here.
You can't kick me out!
You know you're really
invading my ear space.
Look, I'm a frequent
coffee drinker.
I'm part of the club.
I have a card.
Do you have a card?
DO you have a card?
No, I don't have a card.
Does anyone have a card?
We don't have
frequent drinker cards.
That's a video club card.
[SCREAMS]
Zip it there, Sporty Spice.
Are we doing this?
Is this happening now?
Yeah. Wanna go?
Great. I'd love to.
Let's do it. Come on.
You're hurting me!
You're hurting me!
What is wrong with you,
Derrick? I thought
we were friends!
Your name is Liar,
'cause you're telling lies.
You know what the odds are
I will never come
back here again?
There's a good
chance of that!
That's a chance
we'll have to take.
Okay, if that's how
you want to play it.
Okay.
I am disappointed!
Good.
Get the door!
Get the...
Fine!
Tigers, bring it in.
Let's go.
Let's go, guys.
All right, Tigers.
Let's get ready
to play, huh?
I don't wanna see
any laziness there, okay?
We win this,
we're in the finals.
Ifwe get a big lead,
we gotta pummel
these guys.
We gotta pummel them
at all costs.
Dominate and hammer them.
I want you to play dirty,
if you have to,
but don't get caught.
Byong Sun, stay low, Okay?
That's easy for you.
Just chop block them
in the back of the knee.
That'll work well.
Ambrose, you're big.
Don't be afraid
to throw the elbow.
If you break
someone's collarbone,
that's a good thing.
That's what
the medic's for.
Otherwise,
he's just sitting around,
all right? You hear me?
Hey, Phil.
I don't think that's
a very good attitude.
You can't talk about
hurting other players.
You don't think?
You don't...
You don't think?
I don't think you
should be butting in
when I'm talking to my team.
You're my assistant, Okay?
You're supposed to
back me up and go get me
juice boxes when I tell you.
Now go get me a juice box.
You know who
you're talking to?
I'm talking to
the juice box guy.
You're crazy!
I'm not crazy.
I'm just thirsty.
Why don't you go tO hell?
No, you go to hell!
While you're there,
why don't you
grab me ajuice box!
I'm nojuice box boy,
I'll tell you that!
Yes, you are!
No, I'm not!
Yes, you are!
No, I'm not!
You're like your old man!
I'm not like my old man!
If it weren't for
these kids I would
whip your butt!
I can take a punch!
I'm out Of here. Bye-bye.
I'll see you,
Mr. Big Time Coach.
Bye-bye!
I'm not like my old man!
I'm a kind and gentle,
compassionate human being
with a heart as big as a lion!
We'll see you later,
juice box!
Everyone wave goodbye
to juice box.
Literally wave. Do it!
Parents, too!
Everyone wave!
Okay. Guys...
I only want winners out
on the field. Who's a winner?
I said, "Who's a winner?"
I am.
Everyone's hands
should be up.
I am.
Okay. Everyone bring it in.
Who are we?
ALL: Tigers.
What?
ALL: Tigers.
All right. Let's break
someone's clavicle.
On three!
One, two, three.
Break someone's clavicle!
Hit the field.
Let's go.
Your dad's a trip,
you know that?
Move it! Move it!
Huh?
Pick up that
piece of trash, Tom.
Tuck in your shirt!
What are you doing?
Have a sense
of pride, huh?
In fact,
why don't you take a lap?
GO and run a lap!
I'm timing you.
[WATCH TICKING]
Pick it up!
Faster!
Here we go! Bellissimol
[WHOOPS]
Let's go!
WOMAN:
Over here, Son. Hunter!
He's right there.
He's right there.
Good. Good.
[GROANS]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
Yes! Hey, you just were served
a plate of humiliation.
How does that feel?
Off the field.
REFEREE:
Hey, off the field, Tarzan.
I'm Off.
Defense! Come on! You guys
know anything about defense?
Dad?
Yeah?
Dad? Dad?
Not now, Sam.
Can you put me in?
Later. Later.
Go grab some bench.
Come on!
There we go, Gian Piero.
You look good.
Think you can mark him?
Yeah, I could take him.
J.J., Zack, everybody
see what we got to do
with these guys?
Four on one,
three on another, right?
We have to...
We really have
to smother them.
BOY: Stop them.
Yes!
Yeah!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yeah! All right!
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Did you just push a kid
to the ground?
He fell down!
He fell down!
Play it up. Play it up.
Play it up.
Back and forth!
Victory!
We're in the finals!
We're in the finals!
All right!
Losers! Losers!
Losers.
You're a loser! Loser!
We won, Byong Sun!
DONNA: NO. Phil!
Stop it!
Everyone should
get one of these.
Pass him around.
DONNA: All right. I got him.
Pass him around!
[ALL SHOUTING]
Honey!
FOREST: Okay. All right.
That's it. I got this.
Hold him down.
Phil!
Get the rope!
What in the
world happened
to your dad?
I don't know.
But I'll tell you
one thing.
I'm never drinking coffee
as long as I live.
Wow!
Wow! Wow! Wow!
Wow! WOW!
What a day!
What is with the coffee?
Every home in Europe
has its own coffee press.
In fact, every room.
Okay, you know what, Phil?
You gotta stop.
You've gone overboard.
What are you talking about?
You called a group
Of10-year-olds"losers."
I did not.
You screamed it
through a cone.
Everyone heard you.
What do you want me
to call them? Winners?
'Cause that would make me
a liar, Okay?
And at least, give me that.
lam not a liar.
You just lied, just a...
When?
Just a second ago!
When?
About the cone thing!
Okay, you got me on that one.
That's one lie, though.
We're in the finals.
Am I the only one
who cares about that?
Where's Sam?
Sam's up in his room.
Very upset. Very depressed.
Depressed? We won.
You didn't
play him, Phil.
I warned you about,
this has become
all about you and Buck.
That is patently untrue.
And as far as Sam
not playing in the game,
that's his fault.
What?
He needs to speak up, Okay?
I can't worry
about every player.
I can't talk to you
about this.
NO, not anymore.
Idon't even know
who you are.
You're not human,
that's for sure.
You're like some
kind of animal.
An animal?
Yes, like a wild animal.
Where are you going?
I'm going.
Coffee will make
you feel better.
[INTENSE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Barbara, are you there?
Pick up. It's me.
Game's about to start.
Where's Sammy?
I thought you guys
were gonna meet me here.
Hello? Hello?
You know what,
I gotta run.
What are you?
Who dresses
you these days?
What's this,
some kind
of clown outfit?
No. It's a Tiger outfit.
Good. Good.
Some of the cool stuff
I can do.
And you think this suit's
gonna help you?
We'll see.
Might be a good
luck charm.
Okay, good luck, Son.
You're gonna need it.
[BUCK CHUCKLES]
Bring it in. Let's go.
Huddle it up. Come on.
Coach, where's Sam?
Because I don't
see him anywhere.
He'll be here.
Don't worry about it.
Okay.
[WHISPERING]
Guys, listen up.
Now I don't think
it needs to be said
more than once,
how important
today's game is, huh?
This is what
we've worked all year for.
Why are you whispering?
For dramatic effect!
Who are those
guys overthere, huh?
ALL: Tigers.
They look like
pussycats to me.
What do you say?
Yeah.
Afraid Of them?
NO!
Okay.
You step on this field,
this is all about you.
I mean, I'm not gonna be
the one staying up
late at night,
you know, punching a hole
through the window
or crying myself to Sleep
or wetting my bed.
Okay? That's not
gonna be me.
'Cause I'm fine.
I got my vitamin store
to go back to.
I'm gonna be just great.
I'm gonna be great.
Let me hear you say
we can do this.
ALL: We can do this!
Again.
ALL: We can do this!
One more time.
ALL: We can do this!
You either win
and go on to greatness,
oryoulose.
And probably face a series
of cataclysmic events
for the rest Of your lives.
Bring it in, guys.
[WHISPERING] Bring it in.
Tigers on three.
Whisper.
One, two, three.
ALL: Tigers.
One, two, three, Gladiators!
Good afternoon, ladies
and gentlemen, and welcome
to the HHSO Championship game.
I'll be giving you
a play-by-p/ay,
blow-by—blow
of what promises to be
the game of the year.
Come on.
Tigers versus the Gladiators.
Gladiators with the ball.
Immediately stolen by Massimo!
WOMAN: Go!
Defense! Push deeper! Deep!
He kicks it high.
It's a perfect pass!
COMME NTATOR: Shot! Goal!
Yeah!
[VOCALIZING]
Are you ready for this?
COMMENTATOR:
The Gladiators with
some good ball movement.
Shot! It’s off the mark.
Give it up, Dad!
It's a long game, Sonny!
Hey, grab the pebble
from my hand, Grasshopper!
What?
Hey! If it isn't
fart-face Jones.
What's up,
farty pants?
Bring it on. You can have
the first punch right here.
I could eat a box of cookies
for dinner if I want to.
What? Can you do that?
No. 'Cause you're
a fart-face kid.
Oh, my God! NO! Tigers!
Help me! Get him off me!
Get him, Logan.
Attaboy, Logan.
Ow! He's got my ear!
He's like a jackal
from hell!
Italians With the ball.
And they pass it of
to little Byong Sun!
Pass it off! Pass it!
DO it! sh**t it,
Byong Sun.
No! No, no.
Oh! Weak kick! Stolen away
and kicked way downfield.
Gladiators moving the ball.
Hunter, catch up!
Catch up.
They find Bucky Weston
in the open.
He shoots! Score!
Yes!
Gladiators tie the game.
Byong Sun!
What was that?
I thought I had the shot.
You thought?
How many times
do I have to say this?
You can take as many Shots
as you want during practice.
But never ever in a game.
Especially not
the Championship game.
Okay, you cannot
talk to him...
No. Don't go there.
Take a seat. Go ahead.
Ease up on him!
You ease up on that
corduroy jacket of yours.
Gladiators moving the ball.
Number 14 goes down.
[WHISTLES]
Come on! That?
Good call, ref!
That's a bad call!
Coaches here, now!
God! That's a bad call,
you know it!
That's a bad call!
Hey, I'm warning you.
Let me ask you a question.
Let me ask a question.
How much you pay him
to make those calls?
You are one wisecrack away
from being thrown
out Of this game.
I don't want to
get thrown out.
Can't a guyjust
be enthusiastic
about the game?
You can be enthusiastic...
That's all I want to do.
...at a respectable level.
ljust wanna have fun.
Now, go to your places!
And keep your
comments to yourself.
What was that all about?
Here's all I heard.
The ref said...
[SPUTTERING]
Then my Dad said...
[SPUTTERING]
Then the ref said...
[SPUTTERING]
Any more questions?
Hit the road. Move it.
Come on!
But Buck Weston
has figured out
this Tiger offense.
GO!
PHIL: Get back on defense!
What did I just say?
Yes!
Gladiators take the lead.
Was anyone listening?
The Italians have effectively
been shut down.
Great. Great.
JANICE: That's my boy!
That's the half.
Honey, where have
you been?
I called you twice.
What? Why isn't Sam
in his uniform?
SO, how's it going?
It took me all morning
to convince him to come.
And the only reason
he is here
is to support his team.
What, he doesn't want
to play for me?
He would love to
play for you, Phil,
but you've turned him
into a benchwarmer.
Sound familiar?
Look, ljust wanted
to get to the
Championship game...
You're here, Phil.
I'm not crying.
It's frustration.
Don't worry.
You'll be all right.
Gonna be all right.
BUCK: If you play
the second half the way you
played the first half,
I'm gonna trade
the whole team
to the Tigers next year.
Can I go in now?
I have fresh legs.
BUCK: Philly, lcan't.
It’s the Championship game,
all right?
Don't bother
me, okay?
I didn't play
the week before,
either.
I promise you,
I'll play you next season,
okay?
You want to be Gladiators?
ALL: Yeah!
Let's say,
"We are Gladiators."
We are Gladiators!
Say it again!
We are Gladiators!
GO out in the second half,
I want you to stay focused.
You doing okay?
I know this is tough.
Hey, guys.
Sam, you think
I could talk to you?
I guess.
Honey, do you mind?
Sure.
So, ljust was
thinking, uh...
You know, grown-ups
are always telling kids
how they mess up, right?
But the truth is,
sometimes grown-ups
screw up
but we don't have
anyone to tell us
when we do it.
I screwed up, Sam.
You think?
I just got caught up
in everything.
I really lost my way,
I mean...
I apologize.
ljust wanna ask you
if you can find it
in your heart to forgive me
and you give me
a second chance,
I'd like to make it up to you.
Okay.
You accept my apology then?
Yeah.
Thanks, buddy.
All right.
You're starting
the second half.
SAM: Really?
Yeah.
You're not worried
about losing the game?
No, I'm worried
about losing you.
I brought your uniform
just in case.
SO, go suit up.
All right.
Okay?
Good job.
Thanks.
Now, give me
that jacket.
It's bad? Okay.
Horrible.
Hey, guys.
Everyone take a seat,
if you would.
I have something important
I'd like to tell you. Um...
[SIGHS]
ljust want you guys
to know that I know
that I blew it.
[STUTTERS]
I completely blew it.
And we should've
just been having
fun all along
and honestly,
I don't know what happened.
And I owe you,
I owe all Of
you an apology.
lam very, very, very,
very, very, sorry.
With a capital "8"
and a capital "ORRY."
You know what I mean.
You guys are great kids.
You're unique
with your own strengths
and talents, and I should've
been promoting that.
Instead, lwasn't,
'cause I'm a lousy coach
and I didn't
teach you anything.
That's not true, Dad.
ALL: What?
What are you talking about?
He's a lousy coach.
He didn't teach me anything.
He tried to k*ll me.
He taught us exactly how
not to play soccer.
Actually, Sam's right.
That's exactly what I did.
We just need to take the field
and you guys just do exactly
the opposite of everything
I've taught you.
Does that make sense?
What have I told you to do?
Always play the Italians.
Okay. There you go.
Gian Piero, Massimo,
we'll get some
fresh legs in there.
Give you guys a rest?
Rest?
Yeah.
Okay. Grazie.
Thanks.
What else have I taught you?
Break people's
clavicles.
Chop block.
Tattoos are cool!
Don't remember that one.
Coffee is the lifeblood
that fuels
the dreams of champions.
Right. Hold on.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
BOY: Way to go, Byong Sun!
[ALL CHEERING]
All right. What else?
The most important
thing is winning.
NO. The most important thing
is having fun
and trying your best.
All right?
So, let's get out there
and do
everything the opposite
of what I've taught you.
Sound like a plan?
Bring it in. Here we go.
Yes.
What are we gonna do?
ALL: Don't listen to Phil!
Take the field.
Here we go, guys.
Have fun!
COMMENTATOR: Down by one,
the Tigers have both
Italians sitting on the bench?
Odd move by Coach Phil Weston.
Stop them, guys!
Goal, and the Tiger goalie
goes down hard!
Oh, my...
That's it.
That's the intensity
I've been looking for.
That's it.
COMMENTATOR:
The Tiger goalie looks okay.
PHIL: Hey, ref?
Injury? Time out?
Coach Weston
is taking no chances.
Everyone with glasses.
Can I borrow your glasses?
Would you mind? Thank you.
I appreciate that.
You look like you need those.
Thank you. Appreciate that.
PHIL: You all right?
Yeah, I'm all right.
Just want to do
a little vision test here.
All right?
Is that better or worse?
Worse.
Better or worse?
Worse.
Better or worse?
Better!
Okay. Put those on.
Let's go, guys.
Okay. All right.
Come on.
He's okay.
COMMENTATOR:
Play resumes. The Gladiators
still dominating the field.
Wow. An amazing save
by the Tiger goalie!
. Y
Thats my babyl eSI
He stopped that goal.
Tigers with the ball.
Mark! Mark!
On the neck!
Yes!
Mark Avery kicks the ball up,
catches it on
the back of his neck.
Yes.
The rest of the Tigers are
forming some kind of wedge.
Break through.
Win the ball back!
Knock those clowns down.
Mark Avery leads the league
in the least amount of
time played.
Hey, keeper.
Ugh!
Mmm.
[GAGS]
Ambrose
with a powerhouse kick!
Yeah!
[ALL CHEERING]
Yes!
Hunter, I'd give you a kiss
but you just ate a worm.
MARK: Yeah! Can you smell it?
Yeah! All right, Mark!
It's the smell of Victory,
baby!
I love you, Dad!
See ifyou love me
at the end of the game.
Let's go, guys.
Stay focused.
Every time you say
something back to me,
it makes me love you more!
[CHUCKLES]
I can't believe this.
COMMENTATOR: Hunter
is tearing down the field!
And he kicks the ball to Jack.
Get over there!
Go, Hunter!
Jack takes the ball
into the corner.
Whoa. It’s a little bit high.
Wait a second,
what’s going on?
It's like they're forming
some sort of mega person.
Did everyone see that?
[WHOOPING]
A header by Byong Sun
from Ambrose's shoulder
for a goal.
Way to go, Bing Bong!
That's not legal.
Is that legal, ref?
Great hustle. Gian Piero
and Massimo.
You're back in.
Okay.
But remember,
share the ball.
Okay.
Team.
Right? Team. Yeah. Good.
Okay, guys.
The Italians are back in.
And Massimo steals the ball.
Less than a minute
left to play.
The Gladiators are
completely out of sync here.
And the ball goes to Ambrose
who fakes.
BARBARA: Come on, Sam!
You're gonna have to
get past Old Uncle
Bucky for this one.
Here's something
your dad never taught you.
[HEROIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Goal!
COMMENTATOR:
And you can put it
on the board.
That's the game!
Tigers win! Tigers win!
[ALL CHEERING]
PHIL: Way to go, guys!
TOM: Nice job, everyone!
ANN: Come on, honey!
Sammy!
Where did you learn
to move like that, Sam?
l practiced every time
you benched me.
[BOYS CHANTING] Tigers!
Great game, Bucky.
A hell Of a game, bro.
I guess we really
got out-coached.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
And I'm serious.
I don't give
compliments lightly.
This is from the heart.
I'm not blowing
smoke up my butt.
I think you mean
smoke up my butt.
No. Dude,
just take the compliment.
You got it.
I'll see you later. Okay.
See you at the barbecue.
Good job.
Sorry, Grandpa.
What, are you
kidding me?
If anyone's gonna beat me,
I'm glad ltwas you.
Great goal, Samson.
So, you're not mad?
The only thing
that makes me mad
is that I let you get
away from the
Gladiators, Okay?
[CHUCKLES]
I'll never be mad
at you. Never.
Burgers look good, right?
That one's dead.
This one needs
to be turned. Okay?
Looks good to me.
You'll learn.
[LEAF BLOWER]
Hey, Ditka! Knock it off,
would you?
Would you knock it off?
Dad, relax.
Here, I'll handle it.
Yeah.
I'll talk to him.
Hey, Buck.
Yeah?
Remember when we beat you
in the championship?
Yeah.
Remember when I shoved
that kid in the pool?
Whoa!
[GASPS]
Okay, Buck.
You got me good, buddy.
Yeah.
How do you want
your hamburger?
Well done. Thanks, Buck.
Okay. You got it.
Hey, Coach!
[LEAF BLOWER STOPS]
Yeah?
Hey.
Hey.
Um...
I don't know if you heard,
we won the championship.
Yeah, I heard.
Yeah.
Look, ljust wanna
say I'm sorry
for the way I acted.
Let me tell you something.
You were a raving maniac.
Yes, Iwas.
l was a maniac.
Yeah, but I see
you changed your ways.
And man,
down the stretch,
you did one greatjob
of coaching those kids.
Thank you.
It means a lot.
So, can I count on you
for next year?
No.
Okay. Butyou and I,
we're good?
We're good.
Good.
How about you
and your Old man?
Better. Yeah.
Listen. I mean no
disrespect to you
and your family.
But myjob in life is
to make your dad's
life a living hell.
Hey, do what you gotta do.
I gotta do it.
I'm about to make good
on that Pelé bet.
You wanna come over
and watch?
Yeah, I'd love to
but I gotta get
acheseleaves
over in that yard
before nightfall.
Right.
We had a bet.
You won fair and square.
Good job.
Yes. Thank you.
I don't say this enough
but you really stepped up.
I'm proud of you, Son.
I appreciate that.
The real Pelé ball.
Yep.
I'm actually
touching it.
Take good care of it.
That means an awful
lot to me, that ball.
It does, doesn't it?
Yeah.
Here.
What?
You keep it.
No. You won fair
and square.
It's yours now.
NO.
You beat me, Philly.
Well, the Tigers
beat you.
I had a good time
kicking your butt,
I'm not gonna lie
but it's not about winning.
I thought it was. It's not.
About you and me,
the ball isjust a metaphor
about the distance
between us.
It's a soccer ball.
No, no, no, Dad.
It's not about the ball.
It was never
about the ball.
I don't want the ball.
Then what do you want?
ANNOUNCER:
And now an important
message from the King.
Hi, I 'm Buck Weston.
King of sporting goods.
And to make my stores
the best they can be,
I’ve teamed up with my son.
Hello, I’m Phil Weston.
And I'm the Prince
of Vitamins.
BUCK: Now, you can get all
your health supplement needs.
at Buck and Phil’s
Sports Kingdom.
At prices so low,
it'll blow your top.
Don't worry, kind sir.
We 've got something
for that, too.
See?
I do see, Prince Phil.
Now in five
convenient locations.
I 'm Buck Weston.
And I’m Phil Weston.
BOTH:
And we've got ba*ls.
And vitamins.
But mainly, ba*ls.
And vitamins!
These guys couldn't win
a salad bowl,
let alone a Super Bowl.
DIANA: Mike, I smell smoke.
Nobody's smoking.
Besides, I'm the king
in this house
and I can do what I want.
Got you!
Okay, honey.
Try to see things my way
Do I have to keep on talking
till I can’t go on
While you see it your way
Run the risk of knowing that
our love may soon be gone
We can work it out
We can work it out
Think of What
you're saying
You can get it wrong
And still think
that it’s all right
Think of What I’m saying
We can work it out
and get it straight
Or say good night
We can work it out
We can work it out
Work it out
when you're dating
Work it out
when you're dating
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Kicking and Screaming (2005)
Moderators: Maskath3, sidolanters, GabrielAlejo2341