Untitled Home Invasion Romance (2025)

[bunniefuu]

Suzie.

I knew from the very

first night I met you,

somehow only

three months ago...

...that the two of us

would be standing

up here today.

Kevin, if someone

told me I was gonna marry

the guy who wore sweatpants

to our first real date...

...I'd have told them

to get their head checked.

It's been a whirlwind,

and yet I feel like

I've known you my whole life.

Every day I learn

something new about you,

and every day I fall in love

with you all over again.

I love the way

you tease me,

I love your little smirk

that tells me

you're up to something.

I love the way

you make me laugh.

How you truly get me.

I promise to always be

your greatest ally,

your protector,

your knight in shining armor.

My goofball,

my utterly shameless

karaoke partner.

I promise to love you...

To support

and respect you.

In the happy times,

and the not so happy ones.

To be faithful, patient,

and yes, forgiving.

And to always,

always fight for us.

Stay away from my wife.

You don't know what

I'm capable of.

Kevin!

sh*t! Just a minute!

Did you not get my text?

I'm double-parked.

Oh, sorry,

just two seconds.

All right, I'll wait downstairs.

Oh, hey, uh,

do you mind if I drive?

Kevin, I'm stressed as it is.

You don't want to spoil

the surprise, do you?

Thanks for agreeing

to spend the weekend with me.

Of course.

You know, I've really been

working on myself.

Oh yeah?

Yeah. Yeah.

I made a lot of...

a lot of changes, good ones.

That's great, Kev.

You know I never asked you

to change, right?

After you left, you know,

I took a long,

hard look at myself,

and, uh... don't know,

I think you're gonna be in

for a surprise this weekend.

You may not even recognize

your own husband.

After two months?

Yeah, that would be quite

the surprise, Kev.

Can you look

at the road, please?

Sorry. Yeah.

Yeah, you know,

I've really been using our break

to get healthier.

Hmm.

Yeah, I've been going out

on a lot more auditions,

which is nice,

exercising.

Kev, I appreciate what

you're trying to do. I--

My point is, Suzie,

that I think this break

has actually been

really good for us.

And now that it's over,

I think this getaway

is exactly what we need.

You know,

like a second honeymoon.

Just you and me,

and a nice, romantic weekend.

Kevin!

Hey, uh, mind if I

pull over up here?

Need to use the bathroom.

Hey, there's a line!

And there's a fellow

in there already!

We'll just be two minutes.

Ernie?

Oh. Hey, bud.

How's it going?

What the f*ck?

What's the emergency?

You tell me. I mean,

you barged in here, so...

You said code yellow.

Oh, right, 'cause

I had to stop to pee,

but it's way more

of a code brown.

Code yellow means emergency.

Oh, I'm sorry

I didn't guest star

on Grey's Anatomy, Dr. Tyler.

Oh, that doesn't work.

God, it reeks in here.

No need

to be rude, but okay.

Hey, while I have you,

I would love to run

some dialogue tweaks by you.

The script is fine

the way it is.

Kevin, how long have we been

in acting class together, bro?

You know I have an ear

for that type of stuff.

Brother, if this scene

is not 100% authentic,

she's gonna see

right through you.

You're not listening

to me, are you?

f*cking miss her, man.

This plan has to work.

I need to show her

that I can step up, you know?

I know, and that's why

we gotta get this right, right?

I know.

We do this right,

she's gonna be so impressed.

Oh, yeah,

so impressed she'll run

straight into your arms

and then boom, brother!

Boom.

You're a m*therf*cking hero!

What's up? Come on!

All right, see you tonight.

Ten o'clock, do not be late.

We're gonna save

your f*cking marriage, dude.

Almost there. Suzie!

Suzie! Hey! You awake?

Yep, I am now.

How far are we from the resort?

Who said anything

about a resort?

Please don't tell me

we're camping.

No. We are not.

Just want to see how long

it takes you to guess.

No, you didn't.

I did.

It's all ours

for the weekend.

Your dad said

he hasn't used it in years.

You spoke to my dad?

Well, uh, his secretary.

He's in Bangkok.

Or Boise. Something.

Uh, but Jenny said that you guys

used to come here every summer.

Kevin, you... Wha--

Why didn't you ask me?

Because I was being romantic.

What's the matter, honey?

I thought this

would make you happy.

Yeah, it's... it's fine.

I'll take it.

sh*t.

The pink champagne

you ordered, madam.

Thanks.

You look very familiar.

You remind me

of a dear girl I met once

at an Irish pub

on West 14th Street,

what was it, uh,

two years ago.

A couple of Wall Street

knuckleheads were hassling her.

So what did I do?

Hmm. Your accent changed.

No, it--

Yes, it did.

It did?

Oh, yeah.

- Deal with it.

- So what did I do?

Marched right over there,

and I rescued her

from those g*ons

like a proper white knight.

And then I did what I do best.

I made her laugh.

At one point, she looked me

straight in the eye.

She said, "Do you want

to get out of here?"

To which I responded,

"And go where?"

How about Aruba?

"How about Aruba?"

You weren't messing around.

You got us two round-trip

tickets before I could buy you

a second drink, and I knew

right then and there

that I would do anything

to make you happy.

Honey, I'm sorry I didn't talk

to you about the house.

Honestly, I thought it would

bring back good memories.

Let me make it up to you.

I'm going to cook us

a Michelin-star dinner.

Kev, just hang on.

I see how hard you're trying.

I do.

This isn't our second honeymoon.

This is our first night

after the separation.

Break.

I think we just need

to ease into it.

I have to figure out

if this is something

that still works for me.

Yep. Of course.

So what do you want to do?

What do you want to do?

Yahtzee?

Let's-Let's just get out

of this house, okay?

Let's go to a bar.

Wait, really?

Yeah, let's see

if we could just have

a good time together.

Well, I-I am having

a-a good time here.

You want another round?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Jesus Christ.

Excuse me,

what's your Wi-Fi?

No effin' way.

Suzie Stone?

Heather.

Oh my God, am I dreaming?

'Cause I... I really never

thought that I'd see you again.

Oh my God, come here.

How long has it been?

I mean, let's not do

the math, okay?

How on earth do you look

so friggin' young?

We're supposed to be

the same age, aren't we?

Heather, you look

incredible.

Pfft. I don't. I don't.

Oh, this is

my coworker Murphy.

This is my husband.

Mr. Softie, right?

He's in the commercials.

You are Mr. Softie, aren't you?

I mean, that's one of the roles

I've played, but Kevin is fine.

Nice.

Mr. Softie.

Kevin. Uh, how--

Sorry, how do you two

know each other?

We...

Well, Heather,

come on.

h*-ga. Bo-ga.

Wapanoga.

Best camp north of Saratoga!

Oh!

Heather and I went

to camp together

right across the lake.

We were best friends.

You were best friends

with everyone.

Oh, please, that's not true.

You were. I was just waiting

all year for the summer

because I knew

I'd get to see you.

But then one summer,

you didn't come back.

I was so heartbroken.

Um, you-you guys

work together?

What... what do you do?

Oh, yeah, we're,

um, actually--

We're just... we're with

the police department.

So crazy, but...

Why are you being weird?

She's the chief.

Um...

What?! Just like your dad.

That's incredible.

So, are you two married?

No, no,

we just work together.

What are you doing here?

I texted you. Relax.

There's no service.

I told you to wait in the car.

You can't expect me to wait

in the car for four hours, dude.

I told you I did legs today.

That's just physically unsafe.

I'm not gonna risk it.

Hey, Kevin, right?

Uh, yeah.

Sorry to interrupt.

I'm Murphy.

Come stai?

Io... Italian.

Yeah, he's a--

he's a tourist.

C'est mozzarella.

Bathroom? Are you looking

for the bathroom?

Oh, I think it's just...

But look, I-I hate

to be that guy,

but do you think

I could maybe get a photo?

My buddies are

never gonna believe this.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

- Io? S, si, s.

- Yeah, could you?

Yeah, thank you, thank you.

We friggin' love

your commercials, man.

Mr. Softie's the sh*t.

Thanks, man.

Una, due...

Oh, could you make the face?

Come on. Nice.

Yeah.

Eh... Amilo.

S.

Heck yeah, dude.

Thank you so much, man.

Yeah.

Um, bathroom.

Bellissimo.

Yeah, bathroom.

Oh, grazie.

How good was I?

Follow me.

Dude, no one was supposed

to see us together.

That was a cop.

Take a breath.

You heard me

in there, dude.

That dude totally thought

I was italiano.

Italiano. Why didn't you

just speak Spanish?

Because I was acting, Kevin.

Oh, sh*t, I thought you quit.

I did, except for emergencies.

This is an emergency.

Oh, sh*t. Playing the hero.

This is a stupid idea.

Staging a break-in?

What the f*ck are we thinking?

So funny,

you're kind of like

exactly how I imagined

you'd be.

Oh, God, Heather,

what does that mean?

No, I just mean, like you

were always so driven

and, I don't know,

like a Barbie.

Of course, you have

this friggin' perfect life.

Perfect?

What? You're a huge deal.

You are. You have the big

nonprofit in the city.

You have cool actor husband.

People just dream of having

a life like yours.

Sorry.

Blabbing. Blabber Blabberson

over here.

No.

Yes.

Let's talk about something else.

Heather...

Remember how we used to tell

each other everything?

I miss that so much.

Me too.

You do?

Yes!

Okay.

Okay, so your life's

not perfect.

Got it.

What's going on?

I mean...

I just don't remember

the last time anything I said

or did actually mattered.

And I-I know

this sounds lame,

I just feel like

my... my whole life

is-is babyproof.

It... It's perfect,

just like you said.

There's just something

missing, you know.

Suzie is perfect.

Okay, she's nice, super rich,

super f*cking hot. Like,

oh my God, honestly. What the...

All I'm saying is

she could've picked anybody,

but she picked you.

And all you gotta do, buddy,

is remind her why.

Yeah.

Oh, is that a question?

Uh...

I don't-I don't know, man.

I don't know why she chose me.

'Cause you are

a f*cking beast, huh?

You are a seriously

underrated actor.

Thank you.

Yeah, I mean it.

Most importantly, you are

a protector, right?

Well, what about

Kevin? He seems nice.

Yeah.

So he's gotta be on your side.

Yeah, Kevin's nice.

Right?

He's a goofball.

I love him for that.

I just...

I thought maybe he was

the missing piece,

but... I don't know.

Lately, I just feel like...

I don't know. We live...

we live in two different worlds.

Now I'm blabbing.

No, I'm-I'm... This is good.

Please, go on.

Like, I... I tried to tell him.

I tried to tell him what

I've been going through.

I tried to tell him I'm unhappy,

and he, like, freaked out.

And he made it all

about himself,

like I was trying to tell him

something was wrong with him.

What were you trying

to tell him?

That there's something

wrong with me.

Two hours from now,

I'm gonna break into your house,

and you better f*cking stop me.

Yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, there we go.

You know my bro, Victor,

he jacks cars for a living,

so you could kind of say this

is, like, in my blood, right?

Oh, sh*t. I forgot.

What is this?

Wait for it. Wait.

Huh?

Holy sh*t.

Yeah, how cool is this?

I borrowed it from Victor.

He has like a whole collection.

I was gonna surprise you

with it later, but...

Give me your money!

Give me your money, man!

Come on!

Come on, let's practice.

Come on.

You're not getting through

this door, you hear me?

That was good! More, more, more!

Yeah. You stay away

from me and my wife,

you son of a b*tch!

Oh, yeah.

How about I break

this m*therf*cker down?

Kevin, save me.

Please, Kevin.

Shut up,

you Barbie b*tch!

The Barbie takes away

from the aggression.

Trust me. I'm gonna

take your jewels,

I'm gonna sell them

on the black market.

I--

Hi.

How do you do?

What do you think?

Time to head home, babe?

Hey, crazy idea,

but either of you ever ride

in a police cruiser before?

Why is he driving so slow?

You've trained as an actor,

and I've trained as an actor.

I did Meisner training, and--

Hey, flip that switch.

I was doing

some theater, and then--

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, yes!

Whoo!

License and registration!

On your left!

Did you...

This was fun.

Yeah, it really was.

So fun.

So fun.

And I missed this,

you know.

Night, Chief.

Good night, Suzie.

Oh!

Bye.

Bye.

Honey.

Honey?

Honey, I got this.

Honey, I got this.

I got this.

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t. sh*t.

Oh my God.

She's gonna k*ll me.

Ernie!

Oh my God!

Oh my God! Ernie!

Ernie! f*ck!

Ernie!

Acting...

is reacting.

You got this.

Um...

Break down this door,

you Barbie b*tch! b*tch!

Round the rugged rock the ragged

rascal ran. f*ck yeah!

Showtime.

Come on.

Okay.

Ernie.

f*ck!

f*ck yeah. Okay.

Ah, sh*t.

Action!

Hello?

Okay...

Give me your money!

I'm robbing your a*s!

- I said I'm robbing your a*s.

- "Your a*s"?

Uh...

How about I break

this m*therf*cker down?

All right, I'm coming for you!

Unless there's a hero in there

who's gonna try to stop me

or something?

Or anybody?

I'm gonna take

your fancy jewels,

and I'm gonna sell them

on the black market.

Barbie b*tch!

Oh, sh*t. Oh, f*ck.

Suzie?

Suzie, hello?

Hey, Suzie. Everything okay?

Oh my...

Jesus Christ.

What-What happened?

What happened?

Suzie?

He broke in.

He attacked me.

He-He said that

he wanted my jewels,

but he was coming for me.

I had to protect myself.

Is-Is he, uh...

Oh, God.

Oh, God!

Oh my God.

Kev, it's o--

Kev, look. Kev.

He didn't hurt me.

I'm fine. Look.

No, I, I...

I know, I'm just, I'm...

I'm just so relieved,

you know?

Do you have any idea

who this guy could be?

Why? Why would you

ask me that? No.

Well, how can you be sure?

I've never met this man

before in my life.

Kevin, he's wearing a mask.

Uh, nope.

Okay.

All right, let's go

to the police.

Hold on. Hang on.

Kevin, there's no service.

Phones are out, power's out.

Okay. Hang on, hang on,

hang on, hang on.

Don't you think we should just

think about this for one second?

Okay?

Okay, think about...

think about what?

I mean, I mean,

I mean, look at...

look at you, look at this.

Doesn't this look bad?

I mean, maybe it

was just like a...

a misunderstanding.

A misunderstanding?

Yeah, I mean,

maybe he was just--

How is this

a misunderstanding?

Kevin, this is a stranger

in our house.

He broke into our house,

he's wearing a terrifying mask,

he attacked me.

We're going to the police.

We're going to the police.

Okay, hold on, hold on,

hold on, hold on.

Just...

I... Yeah, I know. It...

Before we go, why don't you

just wash up a little, you know?

I mean, it just looks...

I mean, your face...

Okay, yeah.

Oh... sh*t.

Oh, God.

Oh, Ernie! Oh, sh*t, sh*t! sh*t!

Ernie! f*ck!

f*ck! I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, Ernie. Oh my God,

oh my God, oh my God.

Okay. I'm gonna...

I'm gonna make this up to you.

I'm gonna come clean.

I'm gonna come clean.

I'm gonna tell them everything.

f*ck. Oh my God.

sh*t.

Kevin!

sh*t.

Where's the car?

I'm sorry, okay?

I got distracted.

We'll talk about it later.

Okay.

Oh.

Quick, Kev, flag it down!

Hey.

Hey!

Hello? Hello!

Help! Help!

Hi, hi, right here.

Hi.

Hi!

Really?

Jeez.

I'm sorry.

Uh...

Hi.

Sorry to put you

through all this.

Do you mind just confirming

your name for the report?

Kevin.

Just Kevin?

Sorry, should I take that

again from the top?

Doesn't really work like that.

Starting positions, please.

And can you give me

a little bit of background?

What brought you up here

to Wapanoga?

Just a nice, romantic

weekend together.

Hmm.

What, did Suzie say

something different?

Well...

She mentioned something

about a trial separation.

It was a break.

And it's over now.

I'm not super comfortable

in the house.

You know, I haven't been back

in 20 years,

so I was very eager to get out

for a few hours.

Luckily, I ran into you.

And, um, can you tell me

a little bit

about the flower pot?

Heather, the guy knew

exactly where to look.

He showed up,

he took the key

from the flower pot,

and he just walked

right in the door.

Flower pot?

It's red terracotta,

about this size.

I don't even...

I don't even know what flower pot you're...

No, I-I, uh,

I have the key right here.

He was banging on the door.

Like banging, banging,

banging, banging.

And I'm-I'm, like,

pushing back against it,

and I'm-I'm-I'm pushing

with everything I have.

Like, I'm-I'm fighting

for my life, Heather.

And were you involved

in the altercation in any way?

No, sure-sure wasn't.

What's all that blood on you?

And then

when it was done,

I just couldn't...

I couldn't believe I was

the one still standing.

I don't know how many times

I have to say this,

I've never met that man

before in my entire life.

Kevin was talking

with the victim at the bar.

He was speaking Italian

or something.

Said he was looking

for the bathroom.

Can I change one

of my answers?

Hmm.

Who was in here?

Was it you, Kevin?

Hey, Chief?

It looks like our intruder

came from the woods.

I'm thinking there's gonna be

a car or a boat nearby.

Smart.

I'll be down in a sec.

Rest in peace, buddy.

Who are you talking to?

Huh? Oh, just... uh, you know.

How are you holding up?

So he really

attacked you, huh?

Just...

Did he have a weapon, or no?

What are you asking me?

No, I'm just-I'm just trying

to be there for you, honey.

You know, understand what you...

what you went through,

or thought.

Honestly, it was

the weirdest thing.

One minute, I truly believed

that I was gonna die.

Then I'm, like,

standing over him.

And he's covered in blood.

I'm a k*ller.

I k*lled him.

No, honey, don't,

don't say that. It's--

Well, it's true, Kevin.

Honey, it's-- No.

It's-It's complicated.

I mean, you were--

you were protecting yourself,

and...

you had no choice.

I mean, you're not a k*ller.

You k*lled one guy.

Just, you know,

don't make a habit of it.

Excuse me, Miss Stone?

I don't know if you remember me,

Jeff, from camp.

I was a year behind you.

Um...

Anyways, I just wanted

to say, what you did,

defending yourself like that,

you're a hero.

Everyone's saying so.

We don't all get

tested like that.

You've shown you're

a real protector.

Your husband's a lucky man.

Sorry, did you need

something or...

Uh... Yeah,

Chief would like to have a word.

Hey, catch!

Dummy.

...but we might have

more questions.

Would you mind

sticking around, Kevin?

Kevin!

Uh... I'm sorry, what?

We're, uh, we're just discussing

the logistics

of you staying

through the weekend.

The maid can't come

till Monday.

We'll just avoid

that hallway,

and there's plenty

of other bathrooms.

Wait, hang on. You, uh,

you want to stay here?

I thought we were leaving.

Well, the police are done

with their work in the house,

and Heather was saying

it might be helpful

for us to stick around in case

they have more questions.

Aren't we in some kind

of danger?

A man just tried

to k*ll my wife.

I mean, I-I'm-- we're happy

to get you, what,

like a motel downtown?

Yeah.

If that would help you

settle in, feel more safe.

If you don't want

to stay here with me,

we can get a car

to take you back.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm-I'm, uh...

You're right.

I agree, yeah, we should stay.

We should stay. Uh...

Hey, just out of curiosity,

what are the odds of you folks

figuring out

who this attacker, uh, was?

I mean, we're fairly confident

that he's from out

of town, right?

So once we locate

the vehicle,

I'd say our odds

are pretty damn good.

- I don't trust him.

- Of course you don't.

He lied, Murph.

You saw him with the attacker last night at the bar.

He corrected himself.

Yeah, only after he knew

he was caught.

If Kevin only met the guy

last night, why lie?

He was scared.

Thought it might make us

suspicious, which it did.

Doesn't mean he tried

to have his wife k*lled.

So the house key?

Suzie said she saw

the guy pull the key

out of the flowerpot,

let himself in.

You think Kevin

planted the key?

Yeah. How'd he know

where to look?

Oh, what if it's a sex thing?

No?

Okay, so, Murph,

what's your theory?

Well,

it's not so much

a theory per se.

I just am having a hard time

seeing Mr. Softie

as the kind of guy

who's dealing

with professional criminals.

The man's a cream puff.

He married way out

of his league, and he knows it.

And as far as I can tell,

he truly loves his wife.

I'd guess Mr. Softie

pissed off some thug at a bar.

The guy followed him home

and broke in.

Hell, I wouldn't be shocked

if Kevin was home

the whole time it went down,

just hiding under the bed.

Right, Murph. Yeah.

That's not a theory per se.

Well, we're not

gonna know anything

until we ID the attacker.

So let's just keep on

the grid search in the woods,

and I will start checking

with local businesses.

Thank you, boys.

It's just me

and this bear.

Thirty yards away, it charges.

Six hundred pounds

of raw, brute force

coming straight the f*ck at me.

Twenty yards.

Well, you were always

a great shot, Stu.

I'm okay.

No four-time Ivy League

archery champ.

Shut up.

Were you scared?

No time.

I'm pure instinct.

Ten yards, five.

I fire. Wham!

Damn thing hits the ground

right at my feet.

I'll never forget that rush.

It's incredible.

The greatest feeling

in the world

is fighting for your life

and winning.

And your dad

would never admit it,

but he was impressed.

Her dad?

Kevin, how was your walk?

Yup. Old Stone and I

just wrapped up

our annual hunting trip.

Oh, you... you guys

went hunting?

I thought he was in, like,

Budapest, or...

Stu, you've met Kevin, right?

Mr. Movie Star.

How's it goin'?

I'm sorry, who are you?

I'm Stu.

Kevin, it's Stu.

I told you about Stu.

We went to high school

together.

And Yale.

He's a defense attorney.

I thought it'd be good

to bring in some outside help.

Don't piss yourself, Kev.

I'm not sending a bill.

I'd do anything for Suze,

starting with getting that

old Mercedes of yours fixed up.

Also, the power's back on.

I put in a call.

And listen,

the last thing I want is for you

to feel uncomfortable

about me being here, okay?

Why would I be

uncomfortable?

That's a great attitude.

I'm glad we can all be adults.

Right now, we need to focus

on what's best for Suze.

So I called some reporters,

and I think I better go

make a statement.

Statement? Hold-Hold on. Um...

Don't you think we should

discuss this first?

Kevin, Stu does this

for a living.

Kevin, listen to your wife.

You two hang back.

I've got this handled.

I'm gonna come with you.

Suze, seriously,

it's not necessary.

No, I'm-I'm coming.

That's our girl.

Full of surprises.

Suze.

Sue Bear! Wait up!

Sue Bear?

Good evening, folks.

Nobody goes on vacation

and plans on having

to fight for their life.

But that's exactly what happened

to my client, Suzie Stone.

All she wanted was a relaxing

and peaceful getaway

in the country.

At approximately 11:45

last night,

as she was getting

ready for bed,

Suzie was the victim

of a terrible as*ault.

No. That-That's...

That's not true.

I mean, I'm-I'm...

I'm not a victim.

Yes, somebody broke

into my house

and tried to hurt me.

Barbie b*tch!

But...

I'm the one still standing,

aren't I?

That's right.

Suzie is not a victim.

She's... a survivor.

All right, folks, uh,

we're gonna ask

for some privacy

at this time.

It's been a harrowing

24 hours for my fiance.

We'd just like to...

to get...

Excuse me. Uh...

My client.

Like I said,

a harrowing 24 hours.

Thank you. That'll be all.

Oh, boy. New headline.

"Lawyer puts his f*cking foot

in his mouth."

- Fiance?

- Kevin, I wasn't--

You were gonna marry him?

Yes, Kevin.

That's what fiance means.

I wasn't keeping it from you.

It just never came up.

What was I supposed to ask?

Oh, by the way,

were you ever engaged

to some asshat esquire?

Stu is ancient history.

Clearly, he doesn't think so.

He's still calling you fiance.

Kevin, you are

my husband, not Stu.

He and I didn't work,

it was never gonna work,

and it took me a while

to figure that out.

Once I did, I called off

the engagement.

All right?

I broke his heart.

You broke it off?

Yes.

And it really wasn't easy

'cause I had to explain it

to our entire family,

and I had to cancel a very

expensive venue and caterer,

and our f*cking honeymoon.

Where was your honeymoon?

We didn't have one.

I know, but where was it...

where was it gonna be?

That's... that's not the point.

So then why don't you

just tell me?

Please don't do this, Kevin.

Was it Aruba?

Jesus Christ!

Kevin, it was such

a long time ago.

Not that long.

You're really focusing

on the wrong thing here.

That's why you had

those tickets.

Love at first sight?

It was-- It-- Bullshit!

That's not true.

And you lied to me about it.

I didn't lie to you.

Kevin, please.

You and I had such

an incredible time in Aruba.

If I said anything to you,

it would have completely

destroyed the whole memory.

Kevin.

Honey?

I'm so sorry.

I should have said

something to you.

I should've. I should've said

something to you.

You've always been

so completely honest with me.

Why did you bring him here?

Because I was scared!

I was freaked out.

He's the best...

he's the best defense attorney

in the state, okay?

Honestly, babe,

I don't even care.

You just say the word,

I'll tell him to leave.

I don't care. Okay, honey?

Just tell me.

I'm sorry.

sh**t.

This needs to be dry-cleaned.

L3 for Scout.

Uh, this is Scout.

Go ahead, Murph.

Took a report

from a couple who just came in,

said they overheard

two men arguing

behind the bar last night.

Okay. On my way.

Suzie?

Suzie.

Just getting my charger.

Honey, it's probably

not a good idea

to hang out in this part

of the house, don't you think?

Yeah.

Let's go downstairs.

Make sure Stu isn't

burning down the kitchen.

Sue Bear!

I sauted some broccolini

exactly how you like it.

Are you guys

smelling this?

Not very hungry.

What do you say we get

out of here for a bit?

Just the two of us.

Yeah, I'd like that.

I'd like that too.

Do you like venison pt?

A couple's weekend getaway

turned into a nightmare

when a New York City woman,

Suzie Stone,

found herself

in a life-or-death struggle

with a violent home invader.

WXDV reports.

I mean, I'm-I'm...

I'm not a victim.

Yes, somebody broke

into my house

and tried to hurt me, but...

I'm the one still standing,

aren't I?

Lying b*tch!

Excuse me?

I can't believe

she'd show her face here.

That woman destroyed

my family,

and nobody f*cking cares.

What is it that you think

that she did?

You must remember him,

don't you?

My nephew, Gregory Doyle.

Archives said you

signed it out when you retired,

right before I started.

Hey, you hungry?

Uh, there's a chicken

in the fridge, I think.

Dad, you signed out

a case file,

and you never returned it.

You can't do that.

Okay, okay. I'll, uh,

I'll pay the library fine.

This is not a joke.

Do you still have it?

Is that the only one

you took?

Yes.

Why?

Why Greg Doyle?

When you first told me

you were thinking about

joining the force, I figured

this might come up,

and... I decided

it was probably best

if you didn't know.

Know what, Dad?

That your friend Suzie

k*lled him.

What?

What happened?

Simple answer?

Self-defense.

That Doyle kid was

a real piece of work.

Gave his own grandmother

two black eyes.

g*dd*mn bully.

You ought to remember.

He made your life hell.

Yeah.

I remember.

So what happened to him?

That morning,

he biked over to that big,

piss-ugly mansion of theirs,

chased your friend Suzie

off into the woods.

He beat the daylights

out of her.

And she...

she k*lled him.

So he didn't move away.

How come I didn't know

about this?

She was a minor.

We couldn't release

her name,

and her family, they had

the Doyles tied up in NDAs

so damn quickly.

Oh my God.

Paid 'em off with one of those

undisclosed settlements.

And that's why she left camp.

Yeah, they whisked her off

back to the city.

That was that.

She didn't even say goodbye.

She tried, kiddo.

She...

wrote you a couple

of letters.

I threw them out.

Why would you do that?

You said the simple answer

is self-defense, right?

What's the complicated one?

I was first

on the scene that day.

Neighbor called it in,

said they heard some screaming

coming from the woods.

Thought it was probably

an injured animal,

needed being put down.

Nobody seemed to be home,

so I went around the back,

and...

that's when I saw her.

I found some Polaroids

back there too,

but...

...it didn't matter.

The DA had made up his mind.

What was on them?

Left cabinet,

top shelf, on the box.

What the hell are these?

Suzie told me

she invited him over for a swim.

I found that odd as hell,

him being the bully that he was.

Well, Greg had a crush on her.

I figured she waited

for him to get changed,

then when he was undressed,

she busted in with the camera.

Everybody's gonna see you naked.

Give me that.

Let go!

So you think she got him

to attack her on purpose?

I'll put it this way,

when he did,

she was ready.

I'll f*cking k*ll you!

Greg. Don't.

You know, the thing

that sticks in my brain

from all those years ago

was the look on her face

when she was coming

down that dock,

you know, before

everybody else showed up,

and she thought

she was still alone.

She was smiling.

I don't know what I expected

coming here.

Hey... ...kiddo.

You asked me.

Don't get sore 'cause

you don't like the answer.

It's not the answer.

It's your drunken bullshit.

It's not the Suzie I know.

I'm 1,500 strokes in

and my arms are burning

like a devil's jock itch

when I hear

this god-awful scrape.

Must have bottomed out

on that roof there.

You folks are buying me

a new kayak.

Uh, okay.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

And not one of those

cheap knockoffs.

Barely any oxidation.

Car hasn't been

in the water long.

Oh God.

Got a name.

Ernest Guerra.

You think it's our guy?

Yeah.

I think so.

Okay, so...

what do we do now?

Time to call the family.

Honey, what is it?

He's back.

Hi. We've met before.

I'm Mr. Softie,

and if I'm keeping you down

in the bedroom,

you're not alone.

52% of adult men

have encountered me

at least once.

You don't mind if I pee

in here, do you?

Wowee! That's a GILF

if I've ever seen one,

huh?

If you enjoy regular visits

from me,

definitely do not ask

your doctor

if Stiflocin

is right for you.

Ask your doctor if your heart

is healthy enough for sex.

Side effects include

headache, flushing,

upset stomach,

and abnormal vision.

Thanks to Stiflocin,

performing in bed

isn't hard anymore.

But I am.

No!

Oh, have you seen the one

in the weight room?

It's friggin' gold!

Play it, play it.

Victim's brothers

are here, Murph.

Ooh, awesome.

I want to talk to the bald one.

You look at the rap sheet

on that guy?

Let's hold the judgment.

They just lost their brother.

Look, all I'm saying is

somebody pushed Ernie's car

into the lake,

and I think we're

about to meet him.

Is somebody manning

the phones?

Yeah, can we just

at least pretend

this is a real police station?

Thanks.

Sorry, man, I forgot

to run to the store today.

I only have the big bags.

What's up?

I said we only have

the big bags

for your sandwiches.

Is that okay?

...New York City

woman, Suzie Stone...

Yeah, that's-that's fine.

Thanks.

...life-or-death struggle

with a violent home invader.

I'm the one still

standing, aren't I?

Suzie is not a victim.

She's... a survivor.

Police have identified

the suspected home invader,

a struggling actor,

Ernest Guerra.

I'm telling you, man,

that's him.

That's the dude,

bathroom f*ck.

Say it again, mother b*tch!

Yo, let him breathe.

He can't talk.

You think I give a f*ck?

I'll waste this guy right now.

What the hell, bro?

We're in public.

There could be cops

and sh*t!

f*ck the cops.

They don't respect you.

They don't respect our brother.

Everybody only respects

one thing.

I-I saw him in the bathroom.

Who? Ernie?

I don't know, the home invader.

When?

Two days ago.

And then the couple

from the TV showed up.

The husband snuck in with him,

and the wife stayed outside.

The f*ck you saying?

I mean, it's not

totally unexpected.

Look, I don't know

what happened with your...

your brother and this couple.

I'm pretty sure the wife

didn't know what was going on,

but if she found out,

jealousy, man.

That's-That's a hell of a drug.

Oh, hi.

Relax, jumpy.

What's the matter?

Nothing. What's the matter

with you?

Nothing.

Okay.

Okay, I got this.

You go in and make sure Stu

doesn't jack any of our stuff.

Okay.

f*ck yes.

Old Stone, you've been

holding out on me.

Where'd you find that?

That's not yours.

- In the bear's mouth.

- That's not yours.

- It is now.

- Give me that!

It's in my hand, isn't it?

Why are you so scared?

Give me that!

Is it yours?

Of course not.

Stop! What are you doing?

Oh, Suze, you know

whose phone this is?

It had a reminder

for acting class, of all things.

Great. We'll let

Mr. Stone know.

He, you know, he probably

left it behind, so...

Hon, you ready?

Why don't we, uh,

why don't we hit

the road, okay?

Hey, that doesn't belong to you!

Let's see here.

We've got an, oh,

an actor's ID card.

What? Whose is that?

Why don't you ask your husband?

How would I know?

In fact, why don't you ask him

how all of Ernie Guerra's stuff

got into that bear's mouth?

Okay, hang on, hang on.

This is, uh, this is evidence,

okay?

And we probably shouldn't

be messing around with...

Hey!

Oh, sh*t.

Ah! Get off of me!

What are you hiding?

Just, you're...

You're compromising evidence.

Would you-- Suzie,

would you help me, please?

Suzie? Stop.

Hey, Suzie, help me.

Would you, please?

Yeah. Hey!

What are you doing?

No! Suzie! Hey!

Kevin, why is your number

in this phone?

Oh, you are so f*cked,

my guy.

Stop it. Hang on.

It's not what you think.

It's not what you think.

You were texting with him?

Kevin, you...

you planned this attack?

No, it's not,

it's not an attack.

It's not an attack.

Kevin?

sh*t. No! Please.

Okay, look, look.

You think you're

some big guy, huh?

Hiring some thug

to k*ll your wife?

What? k*ll? No, no, no.

Not... not k*ll.

I swear. Plea-- Okay, please.

Yes, I knew him.

I knew him, but it's not...

it's not what you think.

You really did this?

No, I just-- Could you please

just give me a chance

to explain, please?

Okay, I was trying

to fix things.

I gotta leave.

I gotta leave, okay?

We'll talk about this at home.

Stu, you're coming with me.

We're not going anywhere, Suze.

Pursuant to article 140.30

of the New York CPL code,

I'll be placing you

under citizen's arrest.

Oh my God. Stu?

What?

Would you stop being

a f*cking prick

for one second

and let's go, please.

This isn't over.

f*ck!

Who the f*ck

are these clowns?

Suzie Stone?

I got some questions for you.

That's not how

this works, buddy.

This is private property.

Why'd you k*ll my brother?

Hey, Geek Squad, get

the f*ck outta here!

Answer me! Hey!

Want me to slap you with

a restraining order next?

We just want to talk.

Give me the g*n.

I said we just want to talk!

Oh, f*ck.

f*ck!

I gotta make this right.

I gotta make this right.

I gotta make this right.

Trust me, guys, okay?

A guilty conscience,

it's a f*cking toxic cage.

Just tell us the truth.

Do not say a word, Suze.

Hey.

We already know

what you did, okay?

So if you wanna make it off

this boat, you're gonna look

right in this camera

and confess your crimes.

Confess?

Are you joking?

Stu, stop it.

You want to talk

about crimes?

Okay, how's kidnapping,

battery,

as*ault with a deadly weapon,

possession of an ill*gal

firearm probably.

And your dumb a*s

is filming the whole thing.

Stop talking.

Let me handle this, Suze.

No more games.

Confess or I'll put

a hole in your head.

Pull the trigger,

you coward!

I'm not aiming

at you, bro.

Oh.

Sorry, Suze.

Oh, sh*t.

What?

My phone just died.

Here, just pass me yours.

I left it in the car.

I told you my phone was at 6%.

Bring the charger,

that's all I asked.

Bring the charger, for what?

We're in a f*cking boat.

I got the knot untied.

What?

I'll protect you.

Stu, don't!

I'm serious, don't.

I f*cking got this!

Stu, stop.

What are you whispering about?

Stu!

Stu! Stu!

I didn't do anything,

it just went off!

You k*lled Stu!

Why do you keep

calling him that?!

Because that's his name!

I thought his name was Kevin!

Kevin's my husband!

Who the hell is this guy?!

He's Stu!

He's our f*cking lawyer!

Where's your husband?!

Where's Kevin?!

Hi, uh, this, uh,

this is Kevin Stanwell.

Um, can I... can I please speak

with Chief, uh...

uh, Heather?

Uh... Well, it's...

it's really important.

Do you have, um, you have

any way that I can reach her?

f*ck! I told you, man.

Shut the f*ck up

and grab his head.

I don't wanna grab

his head!

You're the one

who blew his brains out.

You're grabbing his head.

f*ck me! I'm gonna be sick!

Barbie b*tch!

The greatest feeling

in the world...

...is fighting for your life...

...and winning.

Okay,

here we go. Ready?

Hey! What are you doing?

Sorry,

my service is bad.

What are you saying?

Can you hear me?

I'm-I'm guilty, okay?

I just... I want to confess.

Are you at the house?

Hello?

What?

sh*t.

Where the f*ck did she go?

We tied their hands, dumbass,

now they're both dead.

f*ck!

f*ck!

This is... this is your fault.

You shot the...

There she is!

Where?

k*ll her!

What the hell?

Kevin!

Suzie? Hey!

Oh my God!

I thought you left.

I f*ck'... Oh my God.

Wait, what? Hold--

Are you okay?

You did this for me,

didn't you?

Why are you all...

What?

How did you know?

How did I--

How did you know?

How did I know what?

This house, Kevin,

it's exactly what I needed.

What, what?

This house!

What?

You know I had

some not so great memories

in this house, right?

All right,

there was this bully,

he was f*cking awful,

he tormented Heather and me.

I had to k*ll him...

to protect myself.

Oh my God. Oh my God.

Let's go.

What? Oh my God.

I'm so sorry.

It's fine. My dad,

he put me through

a lot of therapy

and counseling

to help me reframe

the whole thing.

But all it ever did was

make me feel like a victim.

And I'm not a victim.

I won. I won.

And I felt on f*cking fire, Kev.

I felt alive in a way

I haven't felt

in 20 f*cking years.

Till the other night.

The... the other night?

What do you mean?

You mean with the attack?

That's thanks to you, honey.

Hold on, wait,

you like what happened?

I mean, I like the danger.

Wait, hold on.

Oh my God, hold on.

What is...

Is this like some sort

of kink or something?

Because, honey, I-I-I...

I never meant

for anyone to get hurt.

It was theater.

It was scripted.

I scripted it.

It was just

so I could save you

and you could see me

as a hero.

That's the stupidest f*cking

thing I've ever heard.

I know, I know, I know.

I was just trying to fix things.

I thought maybe if I

could prove to you--

Kevin, stop it.

Please don't ruin this.

I'm f*cking begging you.

Wait.

Hold on, where-where's Stu?

So your friend Ernie,

his brothers showed up

and they kidnapped us.

Stu's f*cking dead.

Wha--

Are you-- Wait.

Hold on. Stu is dead?

Stu is dead?

They're here.

Who's here?

Who's f*cking here?

What do you mean?

The-The brothers?

The brothers are here right now?

Yeah.

Okay. All right, let's go.

I'm not going anywhere.

What do you mean?

What the f*ck, honey?

I'm staying here.

What do you mean?

We have to get out of here!

Let me handle it!

Suzie, we are in danger!

Suzie, they are going

to k*ll us.

They will if you

don't help me.

Oh my God.

Okay, okay, yeah.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I am going to prove to you

that I can protect us.

Kevin, you don't have

to prove a thing to me.

All this protector bullshit,

that's about you!

Okay, fine, fine.

Then for me, please,

just please let me do this.

Please.

Okay?

Go. Hide.

Honey, I've got this.

Please.

You stay away from my wife,

you son of a b*tch!

"You're not getting through

this door, you hear me?"

"Untitled

Home Invasion Romance,

written by Kevin Stanwell."

Kick it harder!

I am!

Did you even check

it's locked?

f*ck this f*cking door!

f*ck!

What are you doing?

Is that really

necessary, man?

I f*cking like it, bro!

She saw us.

It helps me concentrate.

Dude, you look like you

want them to f*ck you!

Just go...

check around back.

Grow up.

Thought you got this.

Jesus.

m*rder*r!

Come out and face me!

Kevin, sh**t him!

sh**t him!

Oh my God!

Oh, God!

Let's go.

sh*t, it's empty.

Hey! Hey!

Oh, sh*t. sh*t.

Stop!

Hey, no! Victor!

Holy sh*t, honey, that was...

that was crazy.

Victor!

Hey, I know your brother

was set up.

Kevin called me to confess.

sh*t.

Hey, we're gonna get

to the bottom of all this.

I'm gonna get you

to a hospital, okay?

Just, I need

to restrain you.

Can you cooperate with me?

Oh! Look out!

Shh!

Tell me where's

your other brother.

Oh!

Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God.

I didn't know what to do.

She's a cop.

I know that, Victor.

I f*cking panicked.

f*ck. f*ck. f*ck.

Honey, we don't have

much time now.

What...?

All right? It's us or them.

Will you help me, please?

Oh my God. f*ck.

Give me your lighter.

What? I don't have a lighter.

Kevin.

What? I don't!

I know you still smoke.

Give me your lighter.

Are you sure

you can do this?

I mean, four-time

Ivy League archery champ.

sh*t. What?

Okay.

Kevin, they're gonna

take Heather's g*n.

We have to catch them

by surprise.

I'm gonna go up on the roof,

I need you outside.

Wait, I'll come with you.

Whatever you're doing,

I can do it with you.

Kevin, I need you outside.

Okay.

I need you to go down

to the dock house.

Yeah.

Okay, quietly.

When you're there,

count down from 60.

When you get to zero, I need you

to run out of the house

screaming, like,

really screaming, Kevin,

like you're scared

for your life.

I think I can manage that.

Good.

Okay.

Run straight up the path,

come back to the house.

Okay. Wait, hold on.

What happens then? I mean,

they're gonna come after me.

Let me worry about that.

Wait. Hold on, hold on.

So-So I'm the bait?

You're the lead.

I'm the lead. Okay.

Now, remember, not a peep

before zero, okay?

And, honey?

Okay. Yeah.

Break a leg.

Wait, hold on.

When do I start counting?

Now.

Now?

Oh. Fifty-nine, fifty-eight...

This isn't working, bro.

I gotta get to a hospital, man.

f*ck the hospital.

These people butchered

our brother.

They need to pay.

Forty-five,

forty-four,

forty-three...

Forty-two,

forty-one,

forty,

thirty-nine, thirty-eight,

thirty-seven...

You told me there's only

one thing everybody respects.

Let's go get

some f*cking respect.

Twenty-nine,

twenty... sh*t!

What the f*ck was that?

They're in the dock house.

Oh, Suzie!

Suzie!

Suzie!

Ah, sh*t!

Oh my God!

f*cking help me, Victor!

f*cking help me!

Come on, please!

f*ck, you gotta get it outta me.

You gotta get it outta me!

Victor!

No! No! Victor!

Oh my God.

You're okay. You're okay.

Hey! Hey!

You're okay. Stay with me.

Victor! Victor!

Hey! Come on. Wake up.

Oh, no! No!

You b*tch!

No, Suzie!

Now we're even.

f*cking psycho!

Suzie.

Oh my God.

Holy sh*t.

Heather.

Hey, it's me.

I'm so sorry about this,

Heather.

Your husband...

Bad.

Oh, no, no, no. No.

He's not.

Promise.

You know, I...

I never stopped thinking

about you, Heather.

I really thought that

you'd write back to me.

You never did.

You never even thanked me

for what I did for you.

With Greg.

I don't understand you.

I know, Heather.

I believe this is yours.

So what do we do now?

We were all alone.

We were terrified.

If Heather hadn't shown up,

I don't...

I don't know.

Thank you.

She just fought so hard,

you know?

After they...

they took her g*n, and...

...all she had...

was that bow and arrow.

Um, do you have anything to add,

Mr. Soft-- Uh...

Sorry. Um, do you have anything

to add, Mr. Stanwell?

Uh...

Mr. Stanwell?

Nope. No.

- Nope.

- Well, we knew someone

pushed the car into the lake,

so... seems like

these two brothers

were working behind

the scenes the whole time.

Uh...

You two are either the luckiest

or unluckiest people

I've ever met.

Luckiest.

At least I am.

To have my husband

by my side this whole time...

He knows me

better than anyone,

like, the real me.

I know he'd do

anything for me.

You're my hero.