For the new world.
Mwah, mwah, mwah!
I love you!
I love you too.
Seventeen already!
How has the time gone so fast?
I know, I know.
I'm sorry you have to spend
the day alone today.
Are you mad at us
for not coming up sooner?
No! I mean...
it would be nice to have
you guys here but..
Ooh! Right, right, right,
you want some big boy time.
I get it!
Hey buddy!
- Yeah!
Hey, Dad.
Still can't whistle.
Thank you.
Hey, has Joe's family arrived yet?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Okay, well.
We'll make sure everything is
set for tomorrow.
It's gonna be a big day for
the birthday hero. That's you.
Yep. Sounds good.
The Airbnb has a sauna here!
- Oh yeah.
We are getting in there later,
if you know what I mean. Hahaha!
Right, hun?
- Yeah!
Okay. Is that gluten free?
What? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
- Zach...
You gotta take care of your
tum-tum, buddy.
You remember Honolulu?
- Dad. Of course.
Gosh, gosh.
- Hey, come on.
It was like a volcano from your butt!
Oh.
- Yes, I know! I know. Oh!
What was that?
- Nothing, erm...
Everything is good, just, um...
- What is going on there?
Blowing the old nose. Urgh!
Okay, calm down.
Are you watching porn?
No! No!
Chilling here. Ha.
What's going on?
- Nothing! Guy stuff!
The YouTube video came up on my phone
and it was really weird
that, that happened...
Well, my mistake then.
Let me guess -
you are going to put on Highlander.
That's our tradition buddy.
Yes! Highlander.
I cannot break that tradition.
I'm going to do that.
Absolutely.
We'll let you get to it, okay?
But hey, if you need anything at all,
anything, you call us.
Okay, buddy?
Yeah. Dad. Everything,
everything is cool.
I pro.. I promise.
Happy Birthday.
- Happy Birthday!
See you tomorrow!
Alright. Love... I love you.
He was masturbating.
- Oh my gosh!
Ay-ay-ay.
How come every conversation about sex
and alcohol with your parents has to be
so freaking awkward?
Like...
can we just have
a casual conversation?
Like... Oh...
Hey, Mom and Dad.
I'm just gonna go over friend's
house, maybe get wasted.
Possibly get laid
with the hottest girl in school.
Honey, really? Wow!
I'm so proud of you.
And I know you are ready
to get wasted and have sex.
I mean...
youth is all about raging hormones,
wild desires and doing
stupid stuff, right?
We can't control that.
Nature gave us these things
like freaking superpowers,
and our parents and society want us
to suppress it and
act like it's normal.
Is that normal?
Would you say no to a Spider-Man?
Hmh?
And yeah, sure. You can say
it's childish and silly but,
so is life itself.
I mean, we are all children
pretending to be adults, right?
Okay. Fine, yes.
I was watching some
exotic photos and videos,
but like, you haven't?
Uh, uh, oh!
Clear search history! Click!
Blue ba*ls.
But yes, I do have
this birthday tradition,
where I like to sit down and
watch my favorite movie -
Highlander.
Why?
Because Highlander is
the fricking best movie ever!
We have Christopher Lambert,
Sean Connery,
Queen's amazing songs,
just all melted into
this beautiful symphony
of pure '89s awesomeness.
You can't beat it!
I mean, I do like the
Adrian Paul series too,
do not get me wrong.
But...
in the end...
there can be only one.
Oh, hey Joe!
- Zach! Cigarettes!
Joe Goldsmith everyone.
My best friend since
I was eight years old.
And...
Um...
Him... Who, who is this?
Oh, that, that's Jaakko.
Oh, okay.
Hehe.
- Hey man.
Hey. What, What's up bro? Hehe.
Uh...
Nothing, man.
Yeah, I dig it.
I'm a cool guy.
Well, come on in, I guess.
So... where did we find him?
Ahh. Just found him
lost in the woods.
Lost in the... really?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I have a kind of bad sense
for directions.
Help!
Help!
You gonna cry now?
Let's get out of here.
Any... anywho, um...
Do you go to school here or?
Yeah... I actually wanna
be a pilot.
Oh, a pilot. That's cool!
That's super cool.
- I know.
My other option is to be
a survival guide.
Uh, Jaakko.
Do you like, uh...
do you use some kind of medication
for that bad sense of directions?
Funny you asked.
What?!
- Dude!
Where did you get these man?
I have a plenty of room
in my jacket like.
Cos tonight we're gonna party
like there's no tomorrow!
I have friends now.
Guys, wait!
I forgot my pills.
- What?
Joe, beer has gluten,
which gives me diarrhea.
You know that!
Oh, yeah.
Guys. Got it.
Yeah! DJ spin that shi-bi-dii!
f*ck it!
- Yeah!
Sorry, Mrs. B!
She, she's really nice.
Just lower, lower a little bit.
What's with these outdated
and sexist lyrics?
Sounds so aggressive man.
b*tches!
What the hell?
Where is everyone?
I think everyone is in that direction.
That's where we came from, Jaakko.
Oh.
Chug, chug, chug!
No way!
Excellent!
Yeah!
Hey, hey, hey! What's up
and what is going down?
This is Wild Pete
hoping you are all having
a fun and exciting day here
at the Vuokatti Ski Resort!
Vuokatin Aateli.
Pleasure, life and love.
Shaken, not stirred.
Let's party!
Woo!
Today is going to be
especially special
even more special than yesterday.
We will soon see monsters taking over
because it's the annual
Monster Fest! Oh yeah.
And to top it all off
we have an amazing special
guest appearance by a superstar
from Hollywood!
Oh yeah.
And most importantly there will
be the opportunity to consume
alcoholic beverages.
Do not miss that opportunity.
Holy crap.
That was
a pretty intense introduction.
Totes!
- I'm sold.
Count me in.
Seriously? You guys actually
want to go in there?
What about
kalsariknnit, plunging in the
forest with beers?
Huh?
I actually have some
toilet paper with me
if someone needs it.
Means you.
That's a book
Oh.
Anyway it looks like there's
a COVID-19 party and...
I guess what looks like
a sexy nun party.
And um...
Whoa, an '80s party!
That looks fricking awesome!
Maybe we should go to that...
one... Guys? Hello?
Sexy nun party. Great.
Man, I wonder who the Hollywood
superstar guest judge is?
Haha.
Maybe it's Christopher Lambert.
Yeah dude. In my dreams.
We are so honored to have you
as a celebrity judge
on this year's Monster Fest
model contest Mr. Lambert.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Looks great.
Hello!
Is someone there?
Jens!
Very funny.
Hey, hey, hey! What's up and
what's going down?
This is Wild Pete here
at the Vuokatti Ski Resorts.
Oh, hey!
Hi!
Dude we're in!
Hey, you're welcome.
This is sick bro!
What the f*ck?!
Bro, I am so sorry about that.
sh*t!
sh*t!
What the hell is your problem nerd?
Uh, nothing man.
I was just... uh, I mean
I spilled your beer.
That's a problem, sir.
Well, you better buy me
a new one then, huh?
Kick his a*s, Biff!
- Uh, please don't.
Wait.
Biff?
What?!
- No, your name is Biff.
I love the movies.
What the hell are you talking about?
Like Biff. You know? Biff...
I don't speak nerd!
Chill out! Chill!
What are you? Houdini?
Just take it. Chill.
You better make like
a tree and get out of here!
Wait, I told you he knew!
What did you say?
- No-nothing, man.
Just listen I...
You know, we're cool. Right?
I just... uh, we'll uh...
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey, hey! What's up and
what's going down?!
Hey! Hey!
Uh... ladies and gentlemen.
Are you ready?
Are you ready to have some fun?!
Yeah!
Today, today will be a special day
that you will remember
for the rest of your lives.
Which will be long. I'm sure.
Hold on. Hold on.
Before we go on, hold on.
It's time. Now it's the
most important time of the day.
It's time to consume
an alcoholic beverage.
Instructions.
First you smell it.
Then you look at it.
Then you put it in your mouth
and you taste it.
You feel the expectation
of beautiful things
that are about to come to you.
It will creep from your belly
into your brain
and it will whisper to you.
It will let you know when
it's time to take another one!
Yeah!
Monster Fest! Please welcome
House of Eli!
So many snow bunnies!
- Haha. Panettaa.
Yeah! What?
Panettaa.
Like... panettaa.
Panettaa. I don't know
what that means but I like it.
Okay.
Hey Uncle John. What's up?
- Hey!
Happy Birthday Zachy boy!
Hey, thank you. Thank you.
- How are you?
How is Finland?
- Good. Yeah. Uh... Finland...
You know, it's beautiful.
I'm just in my room chilling,
enjoying my privacy. Waiting for
my parents to come, you know?
What's all that noise?
You at a party?
What? No, no, no. No parties.
I-I'm only 17. Remember?
Only 17?!
- Yeah.
When I was your age I was high on drugs
and doing it like a rabbit.
What? That's, that's weird.
Hey! Someone's in here!
Uh hey, Uncle John.
I - I really got to go, man.
What?
To have some quality time alone?
No, no.
Some-some... someone's in here!
No. Nothing like that.
Listen. I get it.
When I was your age
I was doing it all the time.
Great! Now I can't get
that image out of my head.
Thank you so much for that.
Great.
What?!
What did you say Zach?
It's really loud in there.
Yeah yeah! Err... Umm.
Hey! I - I think the mailman's
here. Um... you know...
I really got to go. I love you.
Thank you for calling.
Tell Aunt Elisabeth
that I love her too, okay?
Thank you!
Party hard, Zach.
- Okay.
You're only young once.
- Yeah. It's true.
You're right, you're right.
Okay. Love you. Bye!
Gosh. Hello, hey!
Somebody's in here!
Someone...
Chicane...
I'm in a port a potty.
Where are you?
I'll be right there.
What?
What?
What are you talking about?
Okay.
Where is everyone?
Joe?!
sh*t! Run! Run!
What?
- Run!
Hey!
- Run!
What - what the f*ck?!
Run Jaakko, run!
Wait! Snow mobile!
sh*t!
Oh my gosh! Look!
What is going on?!
It's like the Muppets would attack!
Aaaw, I love the Muppets, man!
- Me too!
Guys! Shut up!
How do you freaking start this thing?
Yes! Yes!
Go! Hurry! Hurry!
- Yeah!
Guys, where am I going?
- Jaakko?
There's a big store close by.
All right, let's go!
What are you doing?
- I'm just checking.
He's checking who is the
Hollywood superstar.
Go, go, go!
Maybe it's Kevin Costner!
Go!
Quick, they're coming!
Go!
You have served me well.
You wanna mess with me?!
What's going on back there?
- Jaakko?!
Uh-oh!
Holy f*ck!
Go back to Frozen!
You m*therf*ckers!
I feel alive!
I don't know where we're going bro?
Oh the store!
- What?! Jaakko you were right!
I told you!
Come on! Yes!
Stop!
- What? Why?
We lost Jaakko!
- What?
We lost Jaakko!
- What?!
Go back!
- What?
Go back!
- Ah!
Dude!
- Jaakko!
Jaakko!
Jaakko! Buddy! Buddy!
Wake up!
- Is that what I think it is?
Yeah. Can you feel it?
What?!
- Oh...
sh*t guys! Hurry up!
They're coming!
Saved by the book.
Go, go, go!
We're not going to make it!
Yes we are. Don't give up on
us now Mr. Finland.
Mr. Finland?
Do you find me attractive?
- What? No!
What? So, I'm ugly?
What the hell are you talking about?!
Listen, we gonna make it!
Just stay cool!
Yeah Jaakko, Sisu!
- Sisu!
Sisu together!
Oh sh*t dude. What you're doing?
I think someone survived.
Oh. Okay.
Come on boys. We're burning
daylight here.
Go, fast! Go!
- Go!
What? Oh yeah.
- Go!
Locked! There must be
people already inside.
Hey! Open up!
Hey, thank you for saving us
you beautiful stranger.
No problem.
My name is Joe, by the way.
Natalia.
Has anybody ever told you that...
Hey. Wait, wait, wait, Joe.
- What?
What the hell are you doing man?
- What do you mean?
I saw her first.
What? Brother, please.
- Hey, don't brother please me.
We need to find another way
to get inside.
She's like a dark angel.
Joe, Joe, Joe. Look at me.
I really like her. Okay?
We all do.
Bro.
- Yeah bro. We all do.
No bro. You don't!
Okay. Listen. Joe, I...
I saw her...
She is...
her eyes...
- I understand.
There's plenty of more fish in the sea.
No! Do not give me that
fishes sh*t!
What do you want them to be,
crabs? You stupid head!
You're stupid head!
- You are stupid!
You're stupid!
- Why are you guys bickering?!
We need to move!
We got company.
Go, go, go, go.
Jaakko.
- Jaakko, come on.
All the front doors are closed.
We need to find a way to get inside.
Hey, how about we just
use the snowmobiles?
They would catch us.
Safest is to get inside
and barricade the place.
Yeah, Joe!
You!
- Just stop it!
Wait. Jaakko? How did you...
Easy.
I have keys.
You have keys?!
Why didn't you tell us you stupid?!
You work here?
- Yeah, kind of.
Kind of?
What do you mean kind of?
It's - it's complicated. Okay?
Um, ah...
These are nice.
- We need to gear up.
For... For what?
For a battle.
Should we just call the cops?
Already did and I bet
many others did too.
I love that song!
First time I ever got laid
was with that song.
Me too.
With your wife.
What did they say from the office?
I don't know.
Some kind of crap about -
little monsters attacking
people at the Monster Fest.
Look out!
What the hell!
We need backup?
You're hysterical!
Be careful!
They come from Saarioisen...
Saarioinen meat factory,
I don't know what...
It's like a pumpkin f*cked a snowman
and a Gremlin watched.
It was horrible.
The end is near. as*h*le!
I love that guy!
This is Wild Pete
asking everybody to come.
Not come.
Come. But if you have beverages
you can come by quickly.
But then you have to go.
Just go. This is dangerous.
Do not come!
I have to calm my nerves.
I have to consume
an alcoholic beverage here.
Tommi!
Tommi!
What's up and what's going down?
Well, horrible things are going down
here at the Vuokatti Ski Resort.
Some... tiny creatures
have taken over and...
they are destroying everything.
And they're k*lling people.
And... I managed
to escape them but
I've been stuck here in
the studio for hours and I'm...
I'm running dangerously
low in beverages.
And the weather tomorrow is
going to be clear
and the slopes will be
in good condition.
Uh, but don't come here!
Yeah, thanks.
Jaakko? Where's your gear?
Holy baloney.
- Not bad!
The building...
Yo, yo!
Oh, so hot.
Biff?
What the hell are you doing here?!
Wha... Dude we're just
here for safety.
I wasn't talking to you nerd.
I was talking to my brother.
Yeah.
- Your... your brother?
He's my step-brother.
Shut up nerd!
I told you never to come up here!
Back off!
Ooh...
Hey.
You are that chick from the rock band.
You want to have a little fun?
There's always room for a three-way.
You can be such an as*h*le!
- Shut up!
You b*tch!
- Hey!
Bring it on, jerk!
Mighty strong words nerd.
Losers!
Hey, come on man.
Let me in!
God damn it!
Let me in!
Jaakko? Talk to me.
Who is it?
Some drunken guy in a Santa costume.
I think he wants in.
The Creeps?
I don't see them.
What should I do?
Let him in.
- No.
We're going to let him in.
Right now.
My dad owns the store,
so I'm the boss here.
Let him in.
Oh guys, watch out.
Watch out!
Is he okay?
That's weird.
Yep.
Oh sh*t! The Creeps!
The Creeps!
I'm out of here!
Sayonara buttheads!
- Biff!
Hey Biff! Wait!
sh*t. Are you guys okay?
Yippee-Ki-Yay, m*therf*cker!
Die Hard.
Come on! Come on!
Guys, you see that?
Guys!
Come on, come on.
Shh... Come on, guys. Let's go.
Go, go, go, go, go!
Come on.
Oh, sh*t. sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.
You didn't make it silent?
- It's my birthday.
Really?
Yeah. I'm 20.
Fine. Fine. I'm 17.
Still could have made it silent.
Get back!
That was awesome!
What the f*ck!
- Yeehaw!
Howdy h*, people!
I apologize for barging in
so uninvited
sure sound like you guys
needed some assistance, so...
here I am.
Sure sounded like we need
some assistance, my a*s.
Thank you
Yeah. Thank you so much...
handsome stranger.
- Well...
what can I say?
Guess, I just happened to be
in the neighborhood.
Just happened to be
in the neighborhood, my a*s!
Hey, how'd you get in?
Back door. It's open.
I just walked straight through.
Just walked on straight through.
- Joe. I got it.
Sorry.
Are you...
Looks like the party is
about to get very hot
very soon.
You know. Time out.
You know what guys.
Thanks for stopping by
but we totally had
this under control, so...
so thanks, you...
Hey kid.
Had to break it down to you
like this, but
seems to me like
I'm the only hope you got.
So what do you say Chief?
Can I stay?
Hey, Chief. I'm f*cking 17.
Good for you son.
That's a fun age.
Yeah!
So... a little bit of plastic...
You don't want to choke on that.
Bro. Got gluten in it.
Wait, there's gluten?!
f*ck!
- No, no, no, no, no...
It's fine! It's fine Jaakko!
Ladies, you got yourselves
nothing to be worried about.
I will take a good care of you.
This can't be good.
Zach.
- What? What?
The guy. Is he okay?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure he's fine.
Jaakko is there anywhere
where we can go?
There - there's a cabin bar.
- Okay. Okay.
Up in the mountains.
Okay great!
Lead us there, okay?
Lead?
So, like a boss?
Jaakko, you seem distressed.
Can I help you?
Guys! I have an idea!
Wow! Like a boss.
Technically you are not
the boss, Jaakko.
I am now.
Yo, is this the real?
Is this the real KI...
For legal reasons I
would not finish that sentence.
Bro.
sh*t!
That's good enough.
sh*t.
- Bro why are you stopping?
What is that?!
I've been waiting to do this
for years now.
To do what?
Jaakko. We already talked
about this
with the psychiatrist.
Didn't we?
Jaakko, what are you doing man?
Hasta la vista, f*ck!
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
Are you happy now, Jaakko?
Oh hell yeah I am.
So, then I shall cancel
our next week's appointment
with Dr. Landis.
Yeah, that's okay.
Did you plan this?
- Yeah, I did.
I hated that place.
Jaakko, you are such a weirdo bro!
What are those sounds?
What? Oh.
No. That's the expl*si*n.
Keep driving Jaakko! Please.
- Yeah, yeah.
It sounds like someone
is urgently needing
to release some...
No, that, that's fine.
Thanks K...
For legal reasons I would
not finish that sentence.
Hey. There it is. The cabin bar.
We're there? Okay! Great, great!
Hurry up! Go, go, go, go, go!
Have a great and productive
night. Kick some a*s.
Ohh...
It's coming. It's coming.
Do you... do you have
a key for this one?
Yeah. My... Yeah my,
my stepdad, he owns this place.
Yeah, yeah, yes? Yes. Yes.
So no.
f*ck you man!
- Just kidding.
Jaakko! Jaakko!
Where's the bathroom?
In the back.
- In the back. Oh gosh! Okay!
What is that?
Oh, that's f*cking gluten man.
It's brutal.
Okay guys. Come on.
Let him be.
Oh, and don't turn on any of the lights.
But, but the bar?
Okay. But only the bar.
Oh. Thanks.
Oh yeah!
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Man, I wonder what
Natalia is thinking like...
do you think she cares or...
do you think like she's
kind of into this?
You know like, oh, I love a man who's not
afraid to poop in front of everyone.
He's so manly and so tough that
he can poop in front of everyone
and smell the whole room up.
And it's okay.
It's okay.
Right?
Chicane.
Jaakko! The whole place looks
like a Christmas tree!
I thought I said only the bar.
- Oh.
Thanks.
Nice!
Oh snap!
c*ck!
You wanna?
- No, I mean like the movie.
Tom Cruise c*ck. Yeah.
Oh snap, Mr Diarrhea.
How're you holding up?
I am good now.
Hey guys, I just want to say, I am...
so sorry. It was really
embarrassing. Um...
It's never happened
to me before, uh...
Don't go to the toilet
for like 35, 45 minutes.
Amen.
- Yeah.
Jaakko, I got to ask you something.
Yeah.
Where did you find this book?
- Oh that one. Yeah, yeah.
It - it was in the forest. Yeah.
My life savior. Yeah.
Pretty, uh, weird stuff in it.
Looks like a diary or...
Diarrhea!
Do you mind if I keep it?
Yeah sure. Yeah.
I took it for urgent matters.
I'm thirsty.
- Hey!
I have an idea.
Are we having a party here?
Yeah, kind of.
Hey, uh Jaakko.
- Yeah?
What's in this stuff?
Oh, it's just a vodka.
Yeah.
Can I say something...
to you, I just want to...
You know...
I don't know you guys so well.
And this has been a bizarre day...
and everyone just keeps
bullying me all the time...
telling me I'm worthless,
that I - I mean nothing.
But you guys have shown me that
life can be worth living
and fighting for.
Sisu!
- Sisu!
Cheers guys!
- Yeah! Cheers!
Mm... Mm-hm.
Mm-hm...
Mm-hm...
So good.
- Yeah.
I love you guys.
We love you too Sloth.
Yeah.
- Sloth?
Yeah. The Goonies.
- Yeah.
Do you mind if I join?
- No...
I mean yeah. I - I don't care.
This end of the world stuff
makes me so wanting to be close.
Really?
You're really brave, you know that?
What? Uh me?
Get out of here.
You want me to leave?
Uh, what? No. Oh no.
No, no, no. I just, uh...
Hang on. Oh.
Okay. Mm-hm.
Okay, oh wow. O-o-okay.
Great. Uh, hey uh,
so, so, so sorry, um...
Uh, first of all, uh...
thank you for that, and...
second of all, uh...
just hold that thought. Okay?
What are you doing?
Uh, bon appetit. Huh.
Hi.
- Hi.
What's up?
Very beautiful speech.
Oh, thank you.
So are you.
Beautiful?
- Yeah.
Beautiful.
Wow.
You're super wonderful.
Super. But, uh...
You - you want to have
tea first. Maybe -
Do you want to have sex?
One second...
Sure.
Sure.
If we're going to die...
- I don't want to die a virgin.
Maybe I can help you with that.
- Oh, please help me sister.
Please, help me.
Hey. You okay?
Yeah. Yeah.
Um... calling a boyfriend or...
No. No. Um...
I don't have one.
I just...
was just trying to reach my mom and dad.
Where are they?
Um, they're in New Mexico.
I'm originally from Kiev, Ukraine.
But I moved around a lot as
a kid because of my dad's job.
I never really felt like
belonging to...
anywhere, I guess.
Well, I was born and raised in Oregon -
lived there my whole life so -
can't really relate.
It's stupid to think now, but...
I wish my dad would have never
taken that job from Chicane.
Chicane?
Like the research facility?
- Yeah.
He's, um... He's a scientist.
Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
I just wish...
I could have seen them more.
Sorry.
- It's okay.
So...
You didn't like her?
Oh... Wha...
Oh, uh... her?
Yeah.
- Oh.
No.
Joe!
Zach!
KITT!
No, I mean...
No.
It's funny that you say that,
um, actually...
that you brought that up...
because, um...
Actually...
I...
I, um... I like you.
You like me?
Yes. Um, like...
like a lot.
I think you're very beautiful.
So...
Oh. Okay. I see.
Well, for the record...
I don't think
you're too terrible either.
Oh, you can be funny.
- Mm-hm. I can.
I know this isn't the best
timing, um, but...
I was wondering, if...
maybe you would want to have...
this dance with me.
Zach, there's no music.
Oh, umm...
Well...
There can be.
Don't you horny guys
just want to get laid
before the world ends?
I just want to dance...
with you.
Joe! Take me. f*ck me.
- Okay. Okay.
Come on! Don't stop now.
Oh, good.
Oh, Joe!
Wai-wai-wait! Stop, stop,
stop, stop! Wait, wait, wait!
One second!
- No!
One second, please!
- Slap me!
Slap me!
Oh, uh...
Just got to find this song.
Mm-hmm.
You might actually know this one.
Yeah?
- Um...
Okay.
Just relax, Don Juan.
You are so beautiful.
What's with the lights?
You don't want to know.
Happy birthday.
It's f*cking freezing here.
- Shut up! Shut up.
Not on my watch.
Merry Christmas.
See that scar.
- Where did you get that?
In a fight.
Fight?
- Yeah. With a cat.
Ah, a real one?
- Full grown.
Wow.
- Yeah.
So, we get it.
You guys had sex.
No! We didn't.
- No.
Why would you think that?
What's up with the lights
by the way? Bad wiring or...
Oh... well, uh...
In the heat of the moment,
and uh... well...
Guys, guys, guys!
I think I got it.
- What?
This morning when we left the house -
there was green smoke in the woods.
Don't recall that, no.
Well, please let me explain.
Right! Don't you remember?
Still don't remember.
No!
I also saw it when...
What the hell?!
Yo, sucker. Where is everyone?
Huh?
I'm Joe. I'm Zach's best friend.
Zach has a much bigger p*nis than me.
I love him so much.
I never said that!
All right. We'll move on. We'll
move on. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Um, then Jaakko was like -
Uh, I'm not the best at this
but I think everyone is
in that direction.
No, that's not right.
Um, uh...
well, your accent's like...
Jaa... I'm Jaakko. No. Um.
Hold on. Let me try again.
I'm not the best
but I think everyone is
in that direction.
I... again. I keep doing it.
Ahem. Looks pretty lame.
That's still not right.
No, no. It sounds cool.
It's cool?
- Yeah. Yeah that's good.
Cool.
- Nailed it.
Anyway...
Wha-What's about
the green smoke then? Um...
Well, wait for it.
It's coming.
And I guess what looks like
a sexy nun party.
And then there's this awesome
'80s party which looks
really awesome!
Maybe none of this sh*t
would have happened if we went there?
Oh. Where? Oh.
What does it have to do with The Creeps?
Guys.
Anytime we k*lled one of those Creeps -
green blood spews out. Right?
And their eyes, they glow green.
Just like...
smoking Northern Lights.
No? Ugh!
In the book that Jaakko
found in the forest...
This is my book.
Yes that's your book.
You found this in the forest.
This has the answer to
everything that's happening here.
Oh, The Creeps you mean?!
- Yes, exactly.
They're like this evil spirit
from a different dimension.
Whoa.
- It's crazy.
That's so cool.
Yes it is cool Jaakko.
And this book...
it's like a diary.
There's images all about
this stuff. Look!
Oh my.
There is the machine
that created the smoke.
Whoa.
And someone set this up.
- Ah.
But why?
Ooh, I think I know!
Somebody...
hates ski resorts.
Nope.
Okay. No. Forget it.
Well, it seems like it started
in World w*r II -
but I can't read any of it.
It's all German...
and Russian and there's...
there's these n*zi logos and
all these crazy drawings, and...
and Chicane.
Chicane. My dad's Chicane?
- Yeah.
And somehow it's all connected
to The Creeps.
And I believe.
I firmly believe -
that the source of all these
crazy m*rder snowmen, come...
from that green smoke.
Yeah! Green smoke baby!
No, no. Not like weed.
Not... like... just like
the green...
from the machine.
The machine. Not weed.
The machine.
No.
I want to f*cking k*ll him.
That totally sounds like cliche...
creature feature,
B-movie writing...
But...
in this case...
it could actually even be...
true.
Thank you.
Ooh!
Wait! Is that okay if I do that?
- It's okay.
Ooh! Wow!
- What's happening?
Oh lordy, Daddy, is that a kiss we see?
What's happening in here?
Hey, hey.
I think this is the cabin of love.
Oh. sh*t.
Um... excuse me guys.
It's my dad.
Hey, come to bed.
- Okay. Right behind you.
Hey Zach. You're probably
already asleep.
If he only knew the truth...
I just wanted to wish you
a happy birthday.
I've got a little surprise.
Okay. A big surprise
for you tomorrow -
and I can't wait for you to see it.
You know what?
I'm so dang proud of you.
And I love you son.
I love you too Dad.
Good evening!
It's Christopher Lambert!
And they say...
Finland...
is one of the safest
countries in the world.
Ha-ha!
I hope you don't mind.
I'll be on my way soon.
That's totally cool.
So, you're the Hollywood superstar?
I am. Yeah.
Umm...
Are you okay?
I - I - I love you...
You must be Zach.
You know my name?
- Of course.
Your dad told me about you.
My dad? Uh?
Yeah. I wanted to wish you
a happy birthday
on this very crazy day.
I'm dreaming, right? I... am...
I'm dreaming?
Just remember...
you only have one life.
So pick the damn good one.
Fight for what you believe is right.
Surround yourself...
with friends and loved ones
who truly care about you.
Follow your passion and dreams
and always believe in yourself.
This is insane.
So go and pursue
the greatest gift of all.
Life.
Be kind and gracious.
And always look at everything
with an open heart.
And I promise you,
your dream will come true.
I believe in you.
Stay safe kids.
I'll be back.
Bro, that was
Christopher f*cking Lambert!
That was amazing.
Thank you Dad.
I know what I have to do now.
Hey, me too.
What are...
- Hey, hey boy.
Oh man. I don't know
if I can eat those.
Hey there's no gluten.
Cookies!
- You can eat those.
How do you know?
- It's Biff's secret stuff.
He has the same crap like you.
Besides you need the energy.
Huh?
Okay.
- Just take one.
All right. Uh...
- Hey!
Cheers.
- Cheers.
That's good.
Oh my God.
It's so good.
- Yeah.
This is a funky flavor.
What is that?
Bananas.
What was in those cookies?
They work, like Spielberg movies...
Dude. If we're going to go
and k*ll Kurgan -
Kurgan? Guys,
that's a Highlander reference.
Jaakko just made.
It's my birthday...
You need to watch it!
- You're gonna...
You're going to need this.
Holy... ha-ha!
Thank you Ramirez.
- No problem.
Sensation you feel is the Quickening.
What is happening?
- They are totally baked.
I feel it.
I feel it!
You know -
we are one.
- Yeah.
We're brothers.
- Yes.
Let's end game this!
Hey, maybe I should just stay here
and protect our ladies, huh?
Yeah man. That's cool.
- Yeah.
Hey! High Landers.
Let's get the jackets.
We need to go. Your jacket
was over there.
Come on!
- Where are we going again?
Hello ladies...
Follow the cookie.
Come get the cookie.
Hehe. It's cookies.
Today's my birthday!
Yeah! Happy Birthday Zach!
Thank you Joe!
Oh sh*t!
Roadkill!
I had sex!
I met Christopher Lambert! Woo!
Guys! Shut up!
I'm not a virgin anymore!
I'm still a virgin!
- Yeah!
Roadkill!
- Roadkill!
f*ck!
Woo!
- We got here!
Dude. Do you remember
when we just did that?
What?
We went just downhill.
When?
- Oh sh*t. Hey!
You are here!
That is a strong woman.
- I like her.
She is feisty, and I freaking love it.
That's right.
First person sh**ter?
First person sh**ter, baby.
Yeah!
- Bam!
Na-na-na-na-na, Batman!
Nice. Cos you got a bat.
- See.
Okay.
Oh sh*t!
Three points!
- Are you guys okay?
Yeah! You okay?!
I'm full health baby.
- Yeah!
They just keep coming.
Just like the sexy nun.
Oh crap!
Hey! Splash baby!
Haha! Yeah man!
Splash two! The musical.
Nice man!
- Love it bro!
Cheers!
- Guys! Guys!
Come over here!
Come on. Let's go.
Come on! Over here!
- Zach, come on! Zach!
sh*t!
We need to close the door!
Come on!
Come back. Come on!
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!
What's the plan?
Wow! That's genius.
- Oh.
Ohhhh.
- Smart. She's smart.
You're the smartest person
I know. You know?
You're very high, darling.
sh*t!
Oh my gosh!
That's freaking gross!
That's disgusting.
Yeah!
- Ugh.
The way it's melting just reminds me
of like when I get an ice cream...
Oh, hey!
I think it's playing a game.
Can you get sober already?
Guys? Come on!
Hey, I'm so sorry.
Don't leave me like this.
Ooh, what a snake!
Do you mean my d*ck?
Oh, please.
Stop it.
Joe?
Zach?
Biff?
What the hell are you doing here?!
How did you two get up in here?
Hey! You wanted to have
a three-way!
Hey! Shh.
You are so...
f*cking dead!
I got this.
I got this.
- Stay with us. No.
I do not even know
your names, but I got...
I will... protect you my ladies.
k*ller undies.
Where did you buy them?
Losers 'R' Us?
Now f*ck off!
No Biff!
You leave us alone!
What did you say?!
You know, you're an as*h*le!
Huh? You know what else?
Life is too short -
to be associated with
people like you, so -
f*ck off Biff!
You really think they care about you?
I learned that from a real friend.
You b*stard!
I know you are, but -
what am I?
A hero!
That's right!
A hero!
It's called Back to the Future!
as*h*le!
Hero! Hero! Hero!
Come back.
Should we continue, my ladies?
Yeah!
Can you help me up?
- Yeah.
Oh. This is hard.
- Okay.
Argh!
Oh dude, there's a car!
Oh sweet. What does mine say?
We can see there's a car guys.
I love that movie though.
- I f*cking love it too.
Top three movies ever made.
- Top three? That's pretty good.
What the f*ck was that?!
Did you hear something?
- Oh.
Joe you're not going
to believe this...
Huh?
- That was my stomach.
My stomach. I'm hungry.
I am so...
I've never been this hungry before.
Natalia? Do you have food?
We'll be like...
- We need a food.
Guys! Focus!
Please. God!
Hey! I have a sandwich though!
I took it from the store.
You got a sandwich?!
- Uh-huh.
Oh what is that?
- Mm...
I don't know?
- Is it like wheat?
No I think it's like...
- I can't have gluten.
I think it's ham bro.
- It's ham?
It's ham.
- Shh! Guys.
Shh.
CCP. Ohhh!
Guys! Joe! Joe!
This must be the source.
Highlander 5, bro!
- Ooh!
Shh!
- How do we switch it off? Guys?
Oh.
Um... Oh, the book!
The answer's in the book!
The book.
The f*cking book.
The book.
The book.
Uh, let's just hit it with a car.
Let's do that.
You forgot the book.
I forgot the book.
Great!
- Guys...
Let's just blow it up.
What?
Alright.
Joe, you okay?
- f*ck!
All good.
Wah! Argh! Argh!
What the?!
- Dude, did you k*ll him?!
I didn't k*ll him.
He was there, dog.
The dude was here when we came.
Guys...
- He's dead.
He's dead. That's not good.
That is not good.
That - that is good.
That is so good!
Zach?!
What's up baby?
Okay, mister, I'm 20 years old.
You're cute.
And you're eating regular bread.
Yeah.
Oh...
Whoa!
Did it say something?
What? All I heard was...
Oh sh*t!
Is this real? Ah... Okay.
Oh, sh*t!
Argh!
Not today!
Joe! Look out!
- Wargh!
It's snow!
Stupid snow!
Help! Help!
Zach?!
Ninja!
Smells so...
Zach?!
Get off of me!
Time to blow sh*t up.
Oh...
- Get up!
Thank you.
What?
Oh, I need to stop doing drugs, man.
Oh...
Where the hell is Zach?!
I don't know.
f*cking... pickup truck!
Ah, sh*t!
Come on!
- Oh sh*t!
Where the hell is Zach?!
What the hell!
Oh f*ck! sh*t!
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
- Go, go, go, go!
Hi... there!
You okay?
You look really scary.
Um... you good?
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Okay here we go. I'm about to
destroy some snowy a*s.
Okay!
Okay. Okay. Again.
Okay.
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Oh! That freaking hurt man!
Oh!
That was close.
That was... argh...
f*ck!
Really?!
Lambert! Please!
Go, go, go, go!
- Yeah, okay!
Ready?!
Again! Okay. Oh sh*t!
- Wa-ha-ha!
Oh sh*t!
f*ck! I got a bad feeling
about this!
f*ck!
f*cking... Oh! Oh!
They have come to rescue us!
Oh sh*t!
- Oh sh*t!
You shall die.
Like all your kind.
We will travel through
the portal to your world -
and destroy it.
What?
A portal?
You know what? You just made
a classic villain mistake -
wannabe Kurgan.
You just told me
your whole plan. Yeah.
That's right.
It's too late.
- Oh sh*t!
Please, please...
Please, please! Wait, wait wait!
Lambert?!
- Greetings Zach.
You called?
Go!
In the end...
there can be only one.
Go, go, go! Zach!
Zach?!
- Yes!
What is he doing?
The bread!
You f*cking genius!
What?!
Go take that sh*t there! Ha-ha!
Yes!
Stupid, stupid heads!
Whoa!
Holy sh*t! That was wild.
That f*cking worked!
- That was f*cking wild.
There can be only one.
Woo! Ha-ha!
I'm sorry.
I'm getting emotional.
Are you okay?
I am now.
Bro...
So...
We - we did it, huh?
Joe, come on here man!
- Joe, come on!
Come on!
- Joey!
You guys see this?
The key.
This unlocks the worlds,
connects the dimensions,
releases the spirits!
With this key...
I have the power!
What the...
Give me the key!
Hello...
Gollum... Wake up!
- What?
Dude? What happened?
You went like Lord of the Rings
on us right there.
What? I...
Now what?
- Oh sh*t!
I think this is...
this is the moment we leave!
Zach!
Come on!
- What, oh...
Guys!
- sh*t, sh*t! It's okay!
Oh guys!
Holy schnikeys!
This is some serious shizz.
Oh snap! They look legit.
- Yeah.
At least they don't have green eyes.
Guys. That dead guy...
he stole the key from Chicane
to unleash the spirits
from another dimension
to finish what
they started in World w*r II!
Right on, Agent Mulder.
Right on.
Inform Chicane that we got it back.
Copy that.
Okay...
Let's just um...
let's just get out of here guys.
Yeah?
Yeah. You're right.
She's always right.
Yeah.
Alright.
Got it bro.
Yeah! Woo!
Oh...
Oh... oh sh*t!
What?
- What?
It's my folks.
I better get going.
Oh.
Guys.
Come on.
Buddy!
That was amazing!
Joe, man...
just... thank you...
for everything.
I f*cking love you, man.
I love you too.
Shh!
Oh yeah. Uh...
Better wash them hands.
- Come on!
Yeah, Mom? Yeah. I'm coming.
Best birthday ever!
Just go!
- Yeah I'm coming.
I'll see you later!
He's something, huh?
- Yeah.
Yeah. He's funny.
Yeah.
Well...
Well...
Now what?
Um... I mean...
I've never been in New Mexico...
That's true.
Um...
I think we should fix that.
- Really?
Yeah.
Oh well, what would that be like?
I think, something like...
this.
You did good kid.
You did good.
Oh. Hi, Stepdad.
Jaakko!
Hey Daddy.
- Wanna join?
Oh, hell no!
Heh. Double trouble.
Ba-na-na-na-na-now!
What's up everyone?
Tom Cruise here.
Just kidding, It's Zach,
but you already know that.
So, I guess you're wondering
what happened after that day, huh?
Well... my parents,
they finally arrived -
and we had a wonderful birthday party
outside of the ski resort
with Joe's family.
They had no idea what happened
that night. And...
trust me, we kept our mouths shut.
My dad, he was just so thrilled
that I finally got to meet
Christopher Lambert and so was I.
Who, by the way, escaped that night -
unharmed and totally
kicked Kurgan's a*s!
Believe it or not,
we're actually in touch -
and he invited us over his house
to screen Highlander -
anytime we want.
How freaking cool is that?!
Uh, you're probably wondering
what's up with Jaakko?
Well... that little minion
got kicked out of his house
but...
he now lives with the two
lovely sexy nuns -
who, by the way just bought a dog -
and named him Zach.
Sweet. Huh?
Joe's been trying to text
the one nun...
but unfortunately
she's just been ghosting him.
So, that's like...
really sad for him
in a lot of ways, uh...
But I know.
I know, you want to know what's
up with Natalia and I, and um...
I owe you the truth.
We uh...
We didn't...
go to New Mexico...
but instead she came back
with us to Oregon!
My parents totally
fell in love with her!
And, yes...
I also fell in love with her.
She's, she's amazing.
So, the lesson is this kids.
Don't be afraid to fall in love.
Sure, yes. Fine. Sex is great,
but love -
love is even greater!
Go out there!
Go find new adventures!
Fall in love! Open your heart!
And if you're already in love,
treasure it. Take care of it.
Take advantage of the greatest
gift that life can give.
I'll quote John Hughes:
Life moves pretty fast.
If you don't stop and look
around once in a while -
you could miss it.
Mm...
- Wrap it up, Casanova.
Yep... um... and...
Alright.
Have... have lots of sex.
Whoa!
I love you Mr. Snowman.
I'll be back.
Good job, man.
Yeah.
This is live already, yeah.
Shh. Hey, hey, hey.
This is Wild Pete here.
All well and all good
I... I am fine. I'm...
Everything is good,
I... I know if you happened
to listen to my show yesterday
you might be
under the impression that,
that something, uh,
really strange happened here
at the ski resort. Like some
creatures like, you know -
k*lled people and stuff like that...
But... but, ha-ha!
I fooled you! Yes, this was
all one big practical joke.
Yeah, this is
the biggest practical joke
I've ever done on this show.
The Wild Pete Show.
This is, this is big.
Well, I was under the influence
of some alcoholic beverages...
I guess I had one or
two, too many, than normally.
But things - things like
that happen here.
Just regular, uh hangover, after the
normal, annual Monster Fest.
Like every... every year. Oh...
And most importantly our guest
Mr. Christopher Lambert is fine.
He's fine, and nobody is suing anybody
or anyone or anything like that.
So everything is...
is back to normal.
Just forget about it and...
and enjoy this beautiful day
here in Vuokatti.
Hey can you bring me
another beverage, I'm really...
I'm really hurting here.
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Creeps, The (2025)
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