01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

Harry

Harry.

Stop banging

Oi, man!

Stop it!

It's not for

sale!

Ow!

Urgh!

Oh!

Charlotte!

Charlotte, wake up!

Charlotte, wake up, wake up!

What time is it?

They've sold the house!

Urgh!

They've sold the house!

God!

Did you sleep at all?

We have to stop them selling our house.

How?

We buy it.

We haven't got any money, Mum.

Yes, we do.

Your dad's business.

But Dad put the house

in Gramps' and Gran's name

cos the business was in trouble.

He didn't mean for

his parents to own it.

It was a just a massive mistake.

We'll get it back.

Mum, you know you're not good

with business-type things. I mean

Says who?

Dad.

Oh, well, he can talk!

And we urgently need some

cash to keep us going.

What can we sell?

How does pawning work?

Are we sure we shouldn't just move?

Bury Dad under a lovely tree

and start a new life.

Don't set yourself

impossible goals, Mum.

Did you get that from

your school therapist?

Counsellor.

- No, not really.

- You'll be asking for closure next.

Sorry, darling.

But I'm not giving up our home.

Even if it sends you crazy?

Where's all our money, Harry?

Oh

Hi, Alice.

Erm, can I hang out here for a bit?

I just feel so

Oh, Nicola, of course.

But I've

I thought I could handle it, but I

Oh, I don't know.

I hate death.

- It's the worst.

- It is.

Oh!

Oh, Nicola, I'm so sorry,

but I've got so much to do.

But stay.

And come round again.

Oh, Charlotte!

It's your Auntie Nicola!

- Oh, hello.

- Oh

Hi, Charlotte.

Your mum had to sh**t off.

I just wanted to be near my brother.

Though he

died and everything.

It's weird how little I know

about you and your mum, really.

Harry sort of kept us apart.

He didn't want a bad apple like me

to spoil the whole barrel.

Why do you think you're a bad apple?

There's always one, isn't there?

So, Harry owned this land?

It looks like it.

It's a separate thing in his own name.

Gorgeous.

I know!

But was he doing anything with it?

That?

Yeah, it's worthless.

Unless you've got goats

you need grazing.

Hello, Alice.

Hi.

Er, but this says that the land's

been re-zoned for development.

Permission was rescinded when the

council found it was contaminated

and too expensive to clean up.

How do you know all this?

Harry asked me to invest.

But then the contamination

problem turned up.

And then what?

He died.

Harry was

Well, you know, he was fun,

but he was out of his depth.

Well, I don't agree.

Do you, Yasmina?

Well, it looks pretty clean to me.

And the flats are finished.

Why aren't they for sale?

I'm still doing a deal

with my estate agents.

You know, I can't keep waiting, Tanvi.

I'm living on scraps.

My house is being sold from under me.

Er, I'll sell the flats.

No.

I control the sale.

Why?

Because I co-own the development.

No.

Harry's estate owns it.

Me.

He had to sell me half

to secure my loan.

And you aren't his estate,

because you weren't married.

I lent him more to finish your home.

That has to be repaid, too.

So

you won't get much from the sale.

You must hate me,

but I protected Harry.

Builders he hadn't paid

ransacked here and roughed him up.

Those bruises they found

in his postmortem

I bailed him out, lent you cash,

finished the flats,

and offered to finance your house.

What more do you want?

Here are Harry's cards.

That's our daughter.

When she was a baby.

- Obviously.

- Bless her little face.

She's 16 now.

Not so cute.

Er, I need cash from Harry's account.

I'm afraid, until probate,

there's nothing I can do.

But I

I don't have any money.

Until probate's granted,

our hands are tied.

I know it's upsetting.

Er, there might not be much, but can

you tell me what's in the accounts?

No, frustratingly.

You don't have a mandate on him.

- And until probate's granted, we

- Oh, shut up!

Sorry.

We can deal with an executor.

- Are you an executor for the will?

- There is no will!

I told you!

Oh, then, that is

tricky.

But hardly unheard of.

I mean, have you made a will?

Yes.

Of course you have.

I am extremely tired.

That's horrible.

What do you do when you can't sleep?

I sleep like a baby.

What, waking up every two or three

hours to sh*t in your pants?

No.

It's Harry's joke.

I've tried everything.

Camomile.

Nobody tells you that it's just lawn.

OK, let's wrap this up.

Er

Ah, er

Don't.

Just don't.

They're probably good people.

I'll be right back, sorry.

Yeah, we'll go and have a look.

Oh, er, hi, Alice.

Erm, I hope it's cool.

We got permission from

the owners to view again.

Er, I presume the key

code's still the same?

Now, I'm not gonna threaten you

with this,

because it's gone way beyond that!

Oh! Argh!

Jesus!

Now, Harry, Harry loved the power hose.

He's lying over there, if you want

to go and pay your respects

before you piss off!

OK, look, take it out on me!

Take it out on me!

But if you turn that on my buyers

Ooh, "my buyers"!

I'm going to have to

Oh, argh!

f*ck off!

You look terrible.

- Can I do something with your hair?

- Grief can be very ageing.

It's survivor's guilt, I presume.

Making us try to look dead ourselves.

What's that phrase?

Form

is temporary, class is permanent.

You've lost us again.

I just need to sleep.

- Have you tried turmeric?

- Oh, do be quiet, Roger.

Don't tell him to be quiet.

He doesn't mind.

Look, I am desperately short of money.

Can you help?

No, Dad, not a tenner!

We need to survive until

probate, whatever that is.

It's all bloody gibberish.

We can't just give you money.

I'll pay you back.

Somehow.

Your track record for borrowing

money from us isn't encouraging.

That was over 20 years ago.

I was a student.

I had drugs to buy.

We're supposed to think you're joking.

Mum, this is to buy us

food, not a chandelier.

Harry's business partner,

what was her name?

Didn't she advance you

some money? It's gone.

And Tanvi.

And she's not his partner, she just

helped him finish one project.

What about your little job?

No-one wants to buy a wedding dress

from someone as

frayed-looking as Alice.

Right, that's enough.

I need legal advice.

Just you and me.

What? But

you need me, too.

He'll just mess it up!

How do you put up with it?

What, your mother?

Well, it is what it is.

Well, maybe it should be what it isn't.

When are you going to confront her

about her affair with Keith?

I've decided I'm not going to.

So

not marrying or making a will

makes this all rather a shambles.

How long will it take

to clear it all up?

Six months to a year.

It'll go in a flash.

I can't wait that long. Gerry and

Minnie are selling the house now.

Well, they're going to have a hefty

tax bill, so that's prudent.

Look, I need access to Harry's assets.

And f*ck prudent, by the way.

So I can raise at least some cash

from a plot of land he's bought.

Even with access, you can't sell

anything until you get probate.

I should just give up.

I don't own anything.

I'll just let the house go.

It's good Harry isn't here to see it.

One of many things he won't get to see.

Charlotte as a woman

festooned in her children.

HS2.

You know, the new train line.

Dad, you're a solicitor, of sorts.

Help.

Or we'll be homeless and we'll end

up living here with you and Mum

and Keith.

Hmm

What's Harry's business called?

It's Harry's Housing.

He wanted to call it Harry's Erection,

but they wouldn't let him.

Cheeky!

Here we go

Harry's Housing.

What are we looking at?

Companies House.

So, owners listed are

er, Tanvi Lal.

And

Oh.

You.

Me?

Yes.

But not Harry?

Yes, you own 50%, minus any borrowings.

So, you can keep running the business.

Why did Harry cut me in officially?

Because he loved you.

Or

No, no, that's good. Stop there.

Or/and to spread the ownership,

so as to shut out his dodgy lenders.

How do you know this stuff?

'A lot of crap jobs in portacabins

hanging around builders.'

Also I've been digging

into Harry's emails.

The land was granted planning.

The survey was clean.

'Then the council changed

their mind.'

Why?

They found historical records

showing chemical pollution.

But that doesn't make sense, does it?

I knew Harry knew what he was doing.

All right, speak later.

God, no.

Er, what did you say?

'Well, the truth.'

Mum treats the police

like they're in year six.

You know, pre-teen and out to get her.

'You haven't lived until

you've been hassled by the law.

'They wanted to know

what I said exactly to

'Dad

'just before he died.'

What did you say to him?

'Nothing to make him fall.

'Just, "Please, talk to me."'

Oh.

'You have to imagine,

'my parents are really uptight.

'Standing there was my dad.

'The reason I've always felt like

something was missing.'

Shall we try charm?

Hmm

Not really my thing.

You go.

Hello.

Oh, cool top.

Er, can I speak to

the planning officer, please?

I'm afraid he's just popping out.

Oh, boss leaving.

Go! Boss!

- Hello.

- Hello.

I'd love a quick chat.

Erm, my husband has just died.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Yeah, you never think it'll happen to you.

Er, so, anyway, I've brought a friend.

Unfortunately, I have to go. But

Chelsea can make you an appointment.

No, I need your help with this.

Planning permission was granted,

but then you changed your minds

because,

supposedly, it was contaminated.

- Well, there you go, then.

- How does that work?

And how do we get rid

of the contamination?

That is a technical issue.

You'll have to put all this in writing.

No, I just need just a ch*nk of light.

Are you physically cornering me?

Yeah, probably don't do that, Alice.

God, I feel like I'm on

three percent charge.

So, what are you gonna do

about the flats?

Ignore Tanvi

and try to sell them, now I can.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

One of my few bargaining chips.

- Do you want a lift?

- No, thanks.

You shouldn't be driving.

Keep the windows open.

I'll be fine.

Always 3:47!

Lights, off.

Welcome to The Insomnia Show.

I've had a death.

What's your excuse?

Turmeric.

Here's hoping.

My house is not for sale,

as I believe I've mentioned.

Look, I can make it worth your while.

Er, money or sex?

What?

Er, because both are unacceptable.

I've just completed this development.

It's ten luxury flats,

which you can sell

if you take my house off the market.

But if it's out of your league,

I can go elsewhere.

Look, I

I'd love to handle this sale.

But I can't take your house

off the market because it's

not your house.

Well, just tell my father-in-law

that you won't sell it.

Then another firm will.

And we've accepted an offer.

That visit was just, you know,

to work out

where to put the

summerhouse and the hot tub.

Hot tub?!

It's a state-of-the-art

house, not a porn sh**t!

Well, I'll just keep messing

up your viewings.

If they're happy to have

a body dug up to buy the house,

they won't give up

because you sprayed water at them.

Well, next time, I'll set fire to them.

Now, you tell your buyers

that and get rid of them.

Stall new buyers.

Then, when the flats are sold,

I will pay you more

than you're getting now

for the house that my

darling Harry built.

I've been feeling it.

Harry's up there watching us.

It's a nice thought.

He's like f*cking Google Maps.

So your boss let you work, then?

I begged for a shift.

I need the money.

And I can't put my life on hold

forever.

I love this shop.

It's a happy place.

We need more happy places.

Oh!

Can I have a go?

I've never vaped a dress before.

Be my guest.

I've been compiling a list

of my top-ten Harry moments.

So, whenever I think of him

and I'm about to cry,

I just say to myself,

"Number six."

What's number six?

The time he turned up for jury duty

with half his beard shaved off.

Do you remember?

They let him off.

Number one?

When he picked me up

from primary school.

I don't know where Mum was, but

he was all handsome and

I felt really special.

I never asked him for money, but

he always knew when I was struggling.

No drama, it's just

rent's due and Harry would

have helped out by now.

But, for obvious reasons

he hasn't.

And my landlord, well, he's

giving it, "Eviction on Friday."

Christ, Nicola!

Sorry.

I couldn't resist it.

You look wonderful.

Will you take a picture, send it to Ed?

It might make him want to propose.

So, erm, can you help with rent money?

No, Nicola.

I have nothing.

Oh

That's a shame.

I'll have to move back in

with Mum and Dad.

Maybe it won't fry

our brains this time.

Move in with Ed.

Oh, God, no!

He lives with his dad and his grandad.

It's like Only Fools And

Horses, but not as funny.

Back me up on this, Nicola,

and we might be able

to k*ll two birds with one stone.

You are a piece of work and a half.

What's happened, Dad? The sale

of the house has fallen through.

I love greedy estate agents.

She turned a power hose on the buyers.

They've been frightened off.

I'm sorry, but

It's not enough to bury our Harry

at the bottom of her garden

like the family bloody dog.

Look, we've been through this.

Please, just delay

trying to sell the house.

No.

All right, well,

Nicola's about to be evicted.

So, if you give me time

to buy the house,

she can move in with me and Charlotte.

How does that help us pay

our inheritance tax bill?

It doesn't, ultimately. But it's

another reason not to sell up yet.

Why?

Well, because otherwise Nicola will

have to move back in here with you.

So, you're using Nicola as a threat?

No!

Nicola

It does feel a bit icky.

Alice, we're there for Charlotte,

whenever she needs us.

But Minnie and me don't

want to see you any more.

I can't believe you didn't

back me up. I'm sorry.

You know Dad, he's got, like,

a black belt in intimidation.

Yeah, that's exactly why

you should stand up to him.

We should get petrol for your car.

Oh, all right, you rob a bank.

In the meantime, we need the exercise.

Yeah, Mum's always encouraging me.

We should go running,

build up to a marathon.

No, a boot camp.

Slow down!

Can I still move in with you?

I want to get to know you better.

Now Harry's gone, everyone's

got to shuffle up closer.

And no word of a lie, Al,

I am a total laugh.

It's just you and Char

rattling around at your place.

It's not like you'll have another baby.

Well, you never know.

Harry stored some sperm

and I might use it.

You can't tell anyone.

No! I won't, but

Wow!

It's all a bit overwhelming.

Yeah.

It's like Jurassic Park.

Go on, how?

Well, creating life

from a dead creature.

I'd die to have a baby, but

I'm sure Ed thinks I'll be a sh*t mum.

No, he won't.

And you just learn.

You know, I'm still learning.

All clear?

Yeah, Tanvi's gone home.

But let's not push our luck.

OK.

Right, let's make this quick.

My business partner's hiring

her own agents. Er, what?

You didn't mention anything about

a joint

The more you sell, the more

you earn. It's called capitalism.

A jaw-dropping new

residential opportunity

combining convenience with super style.

Only seconds from high-end

retail and food amenities.

Oh

I could definitely live here.

It's not gonna happen.

The Lost Gardens of Babylon this way.

It smells of glue.

I love glue.

Well done, Harry.

You definitely own all this?

Er, yep.

Then I am gonna sell

the arse off these flats!

Er, right, bye!

Er, put it on the website,

or whatever it is you do. Huge.

I'll liaise about getting

a photographer in tomorrow. Great!

Whoo!

Nicola, say nothing.

What about?

Anything.

Hello.

Hello, Alice.

Alice, what are you doing here?

Er, I thought I'd show

Harry's sister around.

I think you've met Nicola.

And you?

Yes, me, too.

Showing my kids.

Cheap afternoon out.

Go to Mummy Coochie.

Oh, this one!

- Hi, I'm Patti.

- Oh, Alice and Nicola.

Cute.

I didn't know you had kids, Tanvi.

Nanny?

Wife. I like to keep

my personal life separate.

Why are you inviting estate agents

round?

I need his cooperation.

And I'm allowed.

I found out that Harry

put half the company in my name,

along with you.

So, I'm looking forward to

working with you on Monday morning.

Oh, late.

Sorry.

Everything takes so long

when you don't have a car!

Hi.

Let me make you a tea.

We've walked the length

of freakin' Chile.

Oh, and

we're doing the marathon.

No, we are not doing the marathon.

Great news about your dad's sperm.

You're gonna have a baby sib.

I didn't say that, Nicola.

You're not supposed to know about

that. It's a private family matter.

So, er, my dad has drawn up papers

making him and me trustees of your

inheritance until you reach 18.

It means we can apply for probate

and get access to the accounts.

And he's drawn up a separate document

for George to relinquish his rights.

- You've got it all covered, then.

- Well

made a start.

And I may have found a way

for us to keep the house.

Dad had a plot of land

we can develop and

I'm not signing anything

until I've read it properly.

Very sensible.

I'll just

Don't you trust me?

Well, you blurt things out, don't you?

I'm I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have told Nicola.

Little things, like you're

gonna have Dad's baby?

Might.

Who knows?

After discussing it with you.

Ah, well, hallelujah,

someone wants to buy our kitchen.

You can't sell the kitchen!

I just did.

It was that or busking.

You know, things will get

worse unless you sign that.

And if you're so

against another sibling,

why are you cosying up to George?

Because he's my brother, not some

fantasy of keeping Dad alive!

You need help, Mum.

Well, help me, then.

Rather than sulk at me.

Go to that bereavement group

and get some perspective on all this.

Don't therapise me!

He was, you know, my soul mate.

I can't imagine myself

with another man.

It would feel like a betrayal.

What would he say about that?

I mean, if he were here.

He'd be like, "You go for it, girl!"

He didn't talk like that.

Oh, I wasn't doing an impression.

But aren't you crushingly lonely?

Well, you can feel even lonelier

if you're with the wrong person.

Anything important?

Sorry.

I think I'd need, like,

some sex after a year or two.

Or a month.

Sorry.

What have I missed?

Tina doesn't want sex ever again.

She didn't say that.

I do.

So would my wife, if I'd have died.

She would have been quick

out of the blocks.

Me?

Well, you don't

have to say anything, but

do break into

the enchanted circle.

Er

Well, erm, I agree with Tina.

Sex is the last thing on my mind.

I felt like that at first.

It's totally normal.

But now you're ready to rumble,

big boy.

You know, you're just a little

bit annoying, aren't you?

Can we talk about money?

Someone you love dies

and you think it's gonna be

about gut-wrenching absence.

And it is.

But it's just as much about

the bloody bank and

bureaucracy and stupid

missing passwords.

Oh, nightmare!

Yes, I had that!

And if you weren't married and

they died suddenly without a will

and with secrets and a messed-up

business and

a family of misfits

So money.

Where shall we start?

Actually, let's not.

I'm too tired.

Erm, excuse me

Did you say you were an accountant?

Oh, I'm afraid so.

No, no, it's great.

I need one.

Desperately.

And I can't pay.

And I'm terrible company.

Erm, well,

a bottle of wine and a pizza?

Great!

Thank you.

Erm, can you provide the wine

and the pizza?

Yes.

Maybe we should be more like animals

and just walk away from our

parents as quickly as we can.

Hmm

- No.

- No?

So why are you living

at home at your age?

Ouch!

You're so hurtful.

No, sorry.

It's temporary.

And free.

And they would k*ll each

other if I wasn't there.

Come on.

I'm serious.

I'm the family fire extinguisher.

And just to warn you

they don't want me to give up

my share of any inheritance.

Really?

Hmm.

My dad, Frank, especially

sees it as a kind of payoff after

he was humiliated at the inquest.

He wasn't humiliated.

He was.

He was publicly exposed, in absentia,

as being the cheated-on husband

who can't make kids of his own.

Mum's gonna hate all this.

She's not coping well.

I'm worried she'll do something mad.

Like burying Dad in the garden?

No. But, yeah.

You mustn't tell anyone.

OK.

Mum didn't know,

but Dad left some frozen

Oh, I can't say it.

What?

Assets?

Lasagne?

Sperm?

Yes, that. For Mum to use.

Jesus

I know. I shouldn't have told you.

Hmm.

It's her choice, but

talk about a can of worms.

Do they keep it in a can?

I don't even know what happened.

Whoops!

Oh, hi!

We've saved you some pizza.

And this is Graham

from the bereavement group.

Hi.

Why is he here?

Er, he's an accountant.

Afraid so.

He's helping me with Dad's papers.

And I've bought your kitchen.

He's bought our kitchen!

Now, we mustn't fall out over money

or sperm.

I love you so much.

I love you, too.

But I don't understand you.

Oh, well

I don't understand you either.

'Hello? Charlotte?'

- Gran, you big techy.

- 'Big what?'

- Are you all right?

- 'Yes.

'My friend Maeve

showed me how to do this.

'I thought it was the

best way of seeing you

'without your mum and your gramps

and me getting all het up.'

Oh, Gran

'Your gramps and I

have bought a plot of land.'

To build on, like Dad?

'No, no, no.

'It's a cemetery plot.

'To build just the basement, I suppose.

'We think, if you both see it,

then you'll come round to the idea.

'Then everything else

will fall into place.

'I mean, otherwise, it's going

to get worse and worse.'

Oh

I slept.

Ten hours.

I kept thinking you were dead.

Well

that's the answer, then.

I share your bed.

Until you get a boyfriend,

obviously. No sharing then.

No! No, no, no!

Sorry.

You're just like Dad.

We will get another kitchen, you know?

It'll be cheap and cheerful,

just like us.

Don't you think it's a bit odd

that he's buying the kitchen?

Who, Graham? No.

He said he needs an upgrade.

Kitchen or wife?

Charlotte!

Well, he obviously fancies you.

No, he doesn't!

Do you think? Oh, my God!

Yes. And you know he does.

No-one spends 20,000 quid

on a kitchen they don't really need.

Oh, I feel awful now.

No, Mum, don't.

And I shouldn't be selling

Harry's kitchen anyway.

We spent New Year's choosing it.

He went to Finland.

Mum, we need the money

more than a bonkers kitchen.

So, what shall we do today,

that's free?

Er, fishing?

Some simple parkour?

I know you aren't

talking to them, but

it is kind of Gramps and Gran.

Can't be much fun

choosing your son's grave.

No.

Right, well, let's be grown-up.

What do you think?

Erm, well, you could say

it's nice everyone's together.

All the dead.

Like a very long sleepover.

Hmm.

Feels more like a long-stay car park

at a really dismal airport.

So, you and Dad never talked

about this, er, situation?

No.

We had better things to do.

I don't like it.

Neither do I.

And nor would Dad. Come on.

So

Harry's staying where he is

and so are we.

Good.

Ooh, I like that one!

Is it a turkey?

No, I think it's an angel.

Oh, yeah, that would make more sense.

I don't understand a word of it.

Are you sure Grandad

knows what he's doing?

No, frankly.

But he is providing his services

for free.

I think you're giving me

the right to act for you.

Oh yes!

Oh!

He's moving us out.

He can't do it.

It's a five-grand down payment.

Let's make it last.

This isn't gonna make Gramps

any happier when he finds out.

Well, he started it.

We need to tell them

we don't want to move Dad

to that plot in the gated community.

We need a little bit more

of a drum roll.

Yay!

A toast.

To the house that Harry built.

The house that Harry built.

The house that Harry built.

I'll buy it back

when we can afford it, Harry.

It's your house and business.

I'm just taking care of it.

I'm the new you.

Harry bought the land relatively cheap.

With planning granted,

he would have made a big k*lling.

We need to learn how planning works

at the council.

Yeah. It's totally Kafkaesque.

Whose fancy car is that outside?

Hello.

Hi.

I'm coming in later.

Me, too.

Thanks, but I don't need you

any more, Yasmina.

Really?

There goes the spa weekend.

I've thought about it and this

won't work with you and me, Alice.

Well, is there a choice?

Yes.

You may not know this,

but Harry and I go way back.

No, I didn't know that.

So, I want to do the right thing

by you and your lovely daughter.

She could be a model, couldn't she?

Hmm, no.

We were thinking welder.

I know how to sell property.

You don't.

If you harass the council

like that again,

they're more likely to dig Harry up.

I can solve all your problems

with one simple deal.

What?

I'll buy all of Harry's

business assets from you,

including the greenfield land,

for two million.

But you said the land was worthless.

It is.

But in the long run, with maybe

years of cajoling from me,

the council may grant

planning permission.

Or not. I'll take that risk.

No-one else will.

That's enough money to pay off

your in-laws and keep your house.

But the land's worth so much more

if it's developed.

Or nothing if it isn't.

But I feel connected with that land.

You know, it was obviously

Harry's escape route.

It's his secret garden.

Let me focus your mind.

Accept my deal or you'll be saying

goodbye to your home.

Are you all right?

Well, not really.

So, her deal

how brave are you feeling?

Really?