Staycation (2024)

[bunniefuu]

- You can help me.

- Well, my aunt

may have the virus.

That makes sense.

Scientists are in a mad scramble

to pinpoint the origin of this novel virus.

Meanwhile, the World Health

Organization has confirmed

infections are now present

in all continents, except Antarctica.

Hello everyone.

Welcome back to

"Partnership With the Arts,"

where we talk art.

With me is my lovely

co-host, as always, Mary.

Hello and welcome.

Right, so we are currently in our studio

following lockdown protocols by CDC.

You know, lucky for us,

it's just a stone's throw

away from where we live.

Right.

Is this virus real?

Or is this a global prank

designed to scare us all before Halloween?

Join me, Rob Peterson,

and find out.

So you're saying

this will all be over in a year?

It's a good sell.

We cut that time in

half, shine up the data,

up sell the effort, and

give the media a story.

It'll track well. We can make it work.

I did say this will be over in a year,

maybe sooner.

Good day, gentlemen.

Today on "Inside Look,"

I'll be speaking with

Professor Edward Bellows,

Director of the National Institute

of Allergy and Infectious Diseases,

and lead virologist in this

country's medical task force.

Professor Bellows, what

are we facing here exactly?

Is this a new strain of the flu?

Oh, if I had a dollar every

time someone asked me that.

It's not the flu virus.

This is new.

The initial symptoms are flu-like,

but after a week or two,

this virus begins to attach itself

to organs outside the respiratory system,

the kidneys, the spleen, the heart,

and that's when we get a symptom shift.

And what are the new symptoms?

We're finalizing the studies

and we'll release that information shortly.

We have reports here of symptoms ranging

from involuntary muscle

control to catatonia.

Does the virus affect the brain professor?

As I said, we will release

our official findings when we can.

Matt,

Matty?

Can you hear me okay?

Heaven have mercy, she lives.

I am so, so sorry, sweetie.

It has been fricking

insanity central around here.

I would so cry right

now if it wasn't hilarious

in a sad, weird kind of way away.

Were you worried?

Yeah,

a little bit.

I'm going crazy over here, Cath.

You're not calling me. What's going on?

And, and your text messages

have been really weird, and

what are you wearing?

Wait, wait, are you mad, because I forgot.

No, it's just been pure chaos.

They have block by block testing now

and it's paperwork this and paperwork that.

And then there's the protests and riots.

But those are mainly downtown,

so we just hear about them on the news.

I called, like I said I would.

I get points for that, don't I?

Yeah, you did.

And you do.

You know,

for a while, I thought

you didn't want to talk to me anymore.

Wait, this isn't a Dear John call, is it?

No. No, of course not.

Don't say that, Matty.

So they still got you

locked up in that castle?

It's not a castle.

It's, you know, it's more

of a mountain resort,

but starting to feel more

like a fortress, actually, now.

They're not letting you out?

No. Five star service though.

All on the local government's tab.

Are they feeding you properly?

Oh, it's miserable.

You know, my euro toast this morning

was buttered only on one side.

Fascists.

But I'd give all of this up for,

for Taco Ted's, in a heartbeat.

They're gone.

All of them.

The streets are all cleared out.

Even the brick and mortar

places are monitored, 24/7.

I have something that

might cheer you up, though.

Also, the reason I called,

other than how much I miss you,

you got this in the mail.

It's not in English.

What is it?

It's brandy, from the private reserve

of the local principality.

You know, it's fancy stuff,

but your Matty got the hookups.

Hold on, I got my own stash.

Well, this calls-

For a toast.

- Clink.

- Clink.

The World Health Organization

has recently theorized three origin points,

central Asia, South

America, and western Europe.

Can your department confirm this?

The information as of now, is accurate.

And this is something that's

been mentioned numerous times

by viewers on our program,

and normally I wouldn't

entertain such offbeat notions,

but I really feel that it needs to be

put to rest, once and for all.

Sure, ask away.

Can you factually state

that this wasn't manufactured

in a secret laboratory?

Miss Baxter, this is nature

at its absolute ruthless best.

Ruthless would suggest intent.

I apologize.

Nature is a perfect engine of evolution.

Morality is a concept we

assign to the world around us.

Of course.

So I'm assuming the answer is no?

A more apt answer would've been yes,

but no, this was not made in the lab.

It's a little strong for a beginner,

but once you've broken

in, it's as smooth as silk.

Perfect, isn't it?

It's kind of bland.

Bland?

Seriously?

No, really, come on.

What do you really think?

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa. Easy there, sweetie.

Just, just take a small sip first.

You know, this stuff

burns like paint remover,

in a good way.

It is smooth.

Kind of reminds me of Evian water.

Did, did, did you just get out

of a big dinner or something?

No, I haven't eaten all day. Why?

You haven't eaten?

I don't know.

All of a sudden my Cath is knocking back

old world brandy like it's

Gatorade after soccer practice.

I mean, I don't know what to say.

It tastes like really expensive water.

It's good.

I wanna come home.

You have no idea how much I miss you.

I want you home.

Well, surely a breakthrough vaccine

is within the realm of possibility.

I mean, being this

country's lead virologist,

isn't it your responsibility

to take the fight to mother nature herself?

I mean, I personally wouldn't

underestimate our chances.

Thank you, my colleagues

and I appreciate that.

We are on the front lines fighting

and as of now, we are

expending our full resources

just to stop the spread.

The world is under lockdown.

Most nations have grounded all flights.

Police, and in some countries, soldiers,

are patrolling the streets,

just trying to restore order,

and everyone's doing their part.

Cautious optimism, at least, professor?

As a scientist, I go by facts

and at present they're not on our side.

If this is a game, the virus

is running out the clock.

I wouldn't suggest optimism in this case,

just caution, hope.

And for the antiquated faithful, prayer.

Perhaps a silver lining awaits us

down the road, Professor.

Thank you for your

time. It's been a pleasure.

We'll be right back.

Hon?

Tell me about the first time that we met.

This because of the, the turtleneck?

Well, the turtleneck,

that's, that's what you wore

the first time we met.

All right.

I'm warning you, I don't

tell it as good as you.

I'm gonna ruin the fresco.

No, you won't.

Whatever you say.

Someone has to tell the

grandkids when granny isn't herself.

So there I was, sitting inside O'Malley's,

all by myself after an

app date stood me up,

and you were with some friends.

They were making fun of me,

saying like, I deserved it or something.

And then you scolded

them and you walked over,

you asked if the seat

across from me was taken.

And I said, "no, it's available."

And then you sat down,

you introduced yourself.

You asked me how my night was going.

And I said, I just got stood up,

and I'm just about ready

to join the local monastery.

And then you said that not two days ago,

your fiance broke up with you.

And then you asked if there was a,

a convent next to my fictional monastery.

And five minutes into it,

you knew,

talking to this guy,

that it was the best decision

you ever made in your life.

I was the luckiest guy that night.

What else did I say?

That you spent two years

knowing how wrong a guy was for you,

and five minutes knowing how right one was.

And that was three years ago.

Best three years of my life.

Matt,

I need to tell you something.

That's your secretly a superhero,

with a liver made from dead Irish saints?

And we're clear.

That bad, huh?

I have five children, all grown.

I've served under four presidents

and I've been married to the

same woman for over 30 years.

I've seen all manner of hell and high water

that would strike the

fear of God into most,

but I never thought it

would compel me to do this.

Now I see what all the fuss is about.

I got it, Matt.

You, you got, you got what?

The virus.

Two weeks ago they ran a test and-

No?

I wanted to let you know.

Why, why didn't you tell me sooner?

They locked me in a room, Matt.

They took away my phone.

They took, who was

replying to my text messages?

I don't know, but it wasn't me.

No, no, no. I, I, I, I got,

I got, I gotta get back.

The doctors did

everything that they could,

but nothing worked.

One day, a professor came to see me.

He had been on TV several times, I think,

and he offered me something,

something new he'd been working on.

But he made no promises.

I said yes,

on one condition.

What?

That I get to see you again.

Remember me as I was.

Cat, Cat, Cathy?

What? Who, who, who are you guys?

20 minutes, 12 seconds.

That's 30 minutes more than record.

That's encouraging, isn't it?

What's, what's, what's happening?

What, what are you doing? What?

Where are you taking her?

Hey!

My condolences.

Hallelujah

First thing I did when

I got up this morning

was to slip on my velvet tracksuit,

and take a stroll around the neighborhood,

mask up, gloves on, beautiful morning,

blue skies with just the

right amount of cloud cover.

This is God's country

right in the heart of the city.

Good morning everyone, except Barry.

Good evening.

It is past my bedtime.

We've been doing this

for three months, Barry.

I'm just kidding.

Gosh.

It's actually my dinner time.

Terry, I thought we

weren't allowed to eat?

Well, you know the rules.

I'm just finishing up, Boss.

Mm, by the way,

here are the reports you wanted.

Two days early.

Eat away, Barry. Don't let me stop you.

Mm mm.

Hey, is that sake?

Yeah.

Hot sake.

Oh.

Oh, good for relaxing when

you've submitted reports

two days early.

Oops.

Marnie.

Good morning, Terry.

Morning, Marnie.

Slept well last night?

Like,

a boulder in Utah.

That's great.

Okay, since we're ahead, thanks to Barry,

I'd say we all deserve the

rest of the day to ourselves.

Good job team.

Come on Marn, have some shame, will you?

What? It's just your boss and coworkers.

Just,

dress appropriately.

Point taken.

Meanwhile, the followup

from the "Inside Look" interview

with Professor Bellows continues.

You were saying?

They deliberately skewed

the data to cause global panic.

The numbers are nowhere

near what Bellows is claiming.

He's thrown in the towel way too early.

But what about all those infected?

I've seen 'em, around

the mall, the grocery store.

Heck, my brother-in-law is one of 'em.

No one's claiming it's a hoax.

It's real, and so is the flu,

but enough with the gloom and doom

when the stats don't bear that out.

Maybe he knows

something he's not telling us.

He's a government stooge.

His job is to tell us

everything and anything.

He's just a pessimist that

got caught up in his own data.

I wish everyone shared your optimism.

More people do share my optimism,

they just don't have the soapbox

the good doctor and myself have,

so they're not being heard.

They need to get out

there and tell it like it is.

Things are getting better.

We'll get through this bug in no time.

Hey, you'll get no rebuttal from me.

Nor me.

Polls go up. Polls go down.

Never miscommunication.

No one can explain how it all works.

What's that old adage?

As the polls go, so goes the nation.?

Well, the nation experienced

a little bit of a seesaw ride recently.

Early polls show the majority of the public

seriously thinking about what

lead Research Professor Edward Bellows said

in his interview on "Inside Look."

Many believed the

professor's words were meant

as a call to arms to try to

bring the nation together

to resolve this pandemic.

Then the contrarians hit the airwaves,

accusing the good professor

of peddling a dire, end times outlook

as if skirting his responsibility

to the people in this country.

And then we see the

polls take a sharp turn.

Does this mean anything?

As of one hour before airing,

the trains are still running on time,

TV ratings are stable,

and so is the National Consumer Index.

Are we unphased by this pandemic,

or are we slow on the uptake?

Let's examine a series of

polls that'll show us exactly

where the pulse of the nation is.

Pandemic got you down?

Not getting your daily dose of sunlight

like the good doctor told you you should?

Don't keel over.

Get your daily dose of

Klown Vitz Big D today.

Big D contains a huge dose of vitamin D

to sh**t that spunk back into your life.

One easy to swallow

Big D is all it takes.

That was easier than I thought.

It's like sunlight raining

down all over you.

Big D for everyone.

Big D.

Huge D.

Big D gives me the

jolt I need to pop back up.

I swallow Big D every morning.

I gulp down Big D

right before I work out.

And right after my swim.

It's easy to swallow.

Big D, Big D.

Klown Vitamins Big D, available at all

good pharmaceutical stores nationwide.

Japan is making gains

in vaccine research,

and we most certainly

shared any new findings

with our American allies.

Thank you Dr. Serizawa,

for all the work you're doing

in a race for the cure.

Thank you.

And remember,

face masks saves lives.

Oh yes. Just like our own mask, Professor.

That's the "Nightly News" this Wednesday.

Thanks for watching.

My name's Diandra

Walsh. Have a great night.

Let's try something new.

Aw, I kinda like our brand.

Hi. Oh no, you don't want that.

Here, pay it forward.

Thanks.

Dude, it's a sign.

Mm, I don't know, Marn.

You literally just had your own

personal coffee angel

encounter, and you don't know?

Okay.

Aw, they're out of the

good stuff. It's all generic.

It's the same thing.

They make it all in one factory,

slap different labels on it.

It's just brand markups.

Yeah, but the branding

makes it taste better.

I'll give you that.

Hey Liz.

Hey Marn, I know your schedule

is free and clear until the

end of time, so no excuses.

Party at my place tomorrow.

Did you see that there

are new curfew patrols

from here to the west side?

I am sending you a map

to avoid all the roadblocks.

This urban planning sophomore from USC

sent it to me through Discord.

Major simp if you ask me.

Liz?

Also, Lance and his

college buddies are coming.

No, look, I know this

whole lockdown is stupid,

but can we just hold off, okay?

Ugh, what evs

Grandpa, invite is still open.

Wear that sexy red skirt.

And bring that sexy dork you live with.

Yeah. Goodbye Liz.

What'd she call me?

Environmental seal initiated.

You made yourself quite a

few fans with that little stunt.

It was just a little honest

outreach to the electorate.

You're gonna cause panic.

- Did I?

- Not yet.

It's the province of pundits

and reactionaries now.

I just threw some

meat into the lion's den.

You bought a week of distraction for us.

Yeah, but what if the vaccine backfires,

and everyone goes, oh,

World w*r Z on the uninfected.

I mean hypothetically.

No problem.

I was trained in acute space awareness.

It's like a 360 degree radar.

Nothing gets my.

I think we lost Zach's feed.

If that happens, we

initiate SEP barrier protocol

Alpha Epsilon 13.

I volunteer my mom's place.

She's visiting her sister in Argentina

and won't be back in a while.

Besides, I've got a fully stocked pantry.

Yeah, we just wait

out the initial stages,

keep a low profile,

then have a six week buffer

period before we venture out.

Well that sounds good,

but what about the weapons?

What, like real g*ns? I'm a pacifist.

I think I still have a

hockey stick from college.

Are foam nunchucks weapons?

I'll bring the coffee.

Oh yeah, yes yes, definitely,

definitely bring the coffee.

But do you guys see,

do you guys see why

this is all hypothetical?

We would be eaten in a New

York minute. What good is dead?

What, what have I missed?

There's still no

but seems to be transferred

when coming in contact

with blood and bodily fluids.

The virus seems to be making

people uncontrollably violent.

And also-

Hello, my little pumpkin pie.

For heaven's sake, Mom.

Hello, my little pumpkin pie.

See what you did?

Knock it off everybody.

There's only one in this household

who can legitimately use that term,

because he speaks the gospel truth.

Ain't that right, my little pumpkin pie?

Dad.

Have you been wearing your gloves

and your masks when you're outside?

Of course.

Not with that again.

Hey, you live your life the

way you want, okay pumpkin?

Don't let anyone tell you different.

All this is just a big

bag of government BS.

They're gonna take

over our lives. This forces-

That's enough, honey.

Okay, be careful.

Remember, your room is

just the way it is when you left.

Mom, I'm, I'm good.

Okay, well, it's entirely up to you.

Got it, mom.

Oh, take care of yourself, honey.

Take care of yourself, honey.

Goodbye, Billy.

So you're dripping in chic Forever 21,

sashaying down the runway,

and everyone sees your ugly-a*s

mask and proctology gloves.

Come on Anngelica, you say,

there's a pandemic going on.

Cut me some slack.

No way, sister.

There's no excuse for raggedy fashion.

Color coordinate. Mask on

top, gloves on the bottom.

I'm gonna spill the beans

on making you fashionable

and the envy of all those common people

in line at the supermarket.

Yet another night as

police break break up

an unauthorized party being

held at an upscale seaside town.

Party goers are seen

fleeing in all directions.

Several dozen were arrested.

Earlier reports of shots fired

turned out to be party poppers.

You can add a sweetener of your choice.

For me, it's a dash of organic agave syrup

and maybe a little collagen

creamer if I'm in the mood.

Whatever makes your tea taste good.

That sounds really good.

I definitely can't do coffee anymore.

I'm wired enough, especially

with all that's going on now.

Well, that could go good with chamomile.

Now, this is not a cure.

Go to your doctor if you have symptoms.

This is just a tea that

can elevate your mood while

you're cooped up indoors.

I added a little whiskey

to that tea recipe you gave us last week.

Oh, how did that make you feel?

Drunk.

She spends most of her day

keeping the house tidy.

Her son Walt stops by

occasionally to help out.

I try to keep busy.

Yes, this place is spotless.

Thank you.

And this is my wonderful son Walt,

who drops by as often as he

can to check on dear old mom,

make sure everything is okay.

And he's a fabulous cook, chef.

Yes, I'm a chef.

I work the kitchen, and sometimes I stop by

to do a little kitchen

magic for you, right?

That's right.

Have the authorities visited you?

Often, all the time.

But, they're great and they realize

that we have the situation under control.

I have documentation.

This is permission from the HOA.

That seems to be in order.

The situation she's referring to

are the two infected family members

she has wandering in her backyard.

Well, I've had the backyard

completely sealed off.

There's no access whatsoever.

We follow strict CDC guidelines

and we take all the necessary precautions

whenever we go out to check on them.

Additionally, the recently passed

Wanderers' Rights, championed by the ACLU,

prevents authorities from removing

people without their consent.

This is Vanessa, Cynthia's

next door neighbor.

She runs the local

Neighborhood Watch Committee.

Yes, I do. I run the

Neighborhood Watch Committee.

How many members are there?

I am the Neighborhood Watch Committee.

Vanessa takes it upon herself

to watch over the street

and the welfare of the residents.

There's a lot of suspicious activity

going on all around here, okay?

You never know what

funny business is happening,

especially,

my neighbor's house.

I have called the cops over and over again.

They come, they look around.

They have some of my delicious brownies,

obviously, 'cause they are delicious.

And then they take off.

They don't do anything.

My husband and I, Joe,

we're afraid to go out to

our backyard anymore.

We live in fear that

something's gonna happen

and that those things over here

are gonna come into our house at night.

I've lived here for 17 years,

and I have yet to see anyone

in that dump she calls a backyard.

My kids, they just

stay in the house all day.

They cry in their sleep. They

never go out into the yard,

all because of, that.

Kids? She doesn't have kids.

Well, I call my cats my kids.

They're just like children to me,

Rupert and Archibald.

Cats? She doesn't, she has no cats.

This is a health hazard.

Those things need to get locked up.

This is ridiculous.

I can't have this kind of neighbor

with those people roaming around.

Shut up.

What kind of bullshit are

you telling these people?

Well, it's a health, it's

a health hazard, okay?

It's a health hazard to

the whole neighborhood.

Everybody knows it.

Health hazard? I'll give

you a health hazard.

Bring it on, grandma.

That's it, bring it on. Bring it on.

You know what?

She's gonna attack me

with a pitchfork, everybody.

You idiot.

My house.

Ladies, please.

If you're going to be that

close, please be considerate.

Resume.

Stop, you're not married.

You know what?

Back up lady or I'll stick

this where the sun don't shine.

Even on the quietest streets,

one can find a certain level of excitement,

round the corner.

We now go live with lead researcher

and virologist from the Indian government,

Dr. Rani Roy has some

amazing news to share with us.

I believe we're experiencing

some technical issues.

We are going to cut to a commercial break

before returning with Dr. Roy.

And we are off.

Chuck, what happened?

India cut the feed.

First Dublin, now Mubai?

Any word from Professor Serizawa?

Nope, and no one's returning our calls.

What about our interview with Belgium?

I think Antwerp ghosted us.

Kenya?

Nairobi's dust in the wind.

What in the world is going on out there?

Why are you even sunbathing?

Hey, I gotta get one form of vitamin D.

Right?

Hmm hmm. Bless that good Samaritan.

Oh hey, how are your folks doing?

They got out of the city,

went to my uncle Pete's farm.

He's kind of a doomsday

quack, so they're it.

Mom wants me to come home.

Like, what good is that?

She just misses you, and

your fun pumpkin energy.

No, she's scared. She thinks

the world's coming to an end.

Didn't you hear the world's been ending

since religion was invented?

So like,

1800?

Hey.

Alien spores from outer space.

I'm not saying that's a

hard-to-swallow premise, but

Listen, and this is legitimate science.

They teach this stuff to

school kids all around the world.

Panspermia, look it

up. It's how we got here.

This contagion, you're

saying it hitched a ride?

Bingo, you know the comet,

zipped by Earth, missed us by that much.

I think that much is

a couple million miles,

but I see what you're saying.

All right, tracking

station outside of Canberra

picked up comet debris coming toward earth

just as it zipped by.

That was a year ago, one week from today.

This was just a cosmic

ET returning for an encore.

And this was all revealed

to you from that acid trip?

No, no, no, no, no.

I mean, this was

ayahuasca in Iquitos, Peru.

The universe laid out this in front of me,

the whole plan.

Cosmic blueprints, man.

Have you ever tried DMT?

Anything new on contact

tracing an origin of this thing?

Inconclusive.

Tracks go cold at all major

international travel hubs.

It's like chasing a ghost.

Is your team prepared

for another go around?

Ready, as always.

Okay, the next batch of

antiserums are near ready.

Let's just hope lady luck graces us

with a favorable outcome.

Get ready to suit up.

You got it boss.

I will devastate this city

and make it an object of horror and scorn,

all who pass by will be

appalled and will scoff

because of all its plagues.

Ah, give me a break.

Every time we get hit with a global crisis,

these nut jobs come

slithering out of the woodwork.

You wanna make your case?

Expound on the mosaic law of germ theory,

washing the hands,

quarantine to limit spread.

That's science we can all understand.

But no, these idiots always default

to the end of the world scenario.

Listen pal, it hasn't happened

since the first century common era,

and it isn't happening now.

A friend of mine tells

me they're converting

those abandoned shopping malls

into housing centers for the infected.

They look like cramped office

cubicles minus the furniture.

Why keep your infected at

home when you can send them

to one of those care

facilities for a low monthly fee?

Whoa.

What's wrong? What happened?

Stay away from me.

Come on, come on, come on.

Give me some more.

Did you look for batteries?

Be sure your hands

are clean and free of dirt.

Did you wash your hands?

Britt.

Okay, look for the light, the parcel light.

There's no light. Oh, okay.

Place your thumb over the symbol.

You will feel a small prick.

Britt, seriously?

Sorry, Marn.

If the light turns green,

you are not infected.

If the light turns red, you are infected

with the NIX virus.

Please log on to for further instructions.

Okay.

Did you feel small prick?

Yes, Britt.

Okay.

Oh, thank God.

Oh my gosh.

Okay.

Hey mom.

Hi honey.

How are you? Did I wake you?

No, no. I'm up, I'm up.

Had a bit of a scare

yesterday, but false alarm.

Pumpkin, your dad isn't feeling well.

We think he might be infected.

What? Did you guys take the test?

And?

Dad?

The test is fake.

It's just the government messing with us.

Daddy is fine, pumpkin.

It's just a little head cold.

Your mom made me one of her hot toddies

and I feel better already.

Yeah, I'm gonna beat this.

We put him in the backyard just in case.

I know Dad isn't a big fan

of wearing masks and gloves, but.

Oh, dad's the only one

with that chip on his shoulder.

Please be careful mom, please?

Okay.

You got careful from me,

but you take care of yourself.

I love you.

I love you, too.

I've camped out patiently

for the better part of the week

to procure this heavenly box

of promoted Zombie Zingers.

A show of tempted tasting

to visually convey my opinion

of this thoroughly breaded chicken slice.

I detect a generous dusting

of a culinary lab research

Texan or Louisiana dry

rub within the crisp breading.

I sense this sauce cup

might be unnecessary,

but the flavor from the tender alone

will sufficiently satisfy by my taste buds.

But, we shall see.

I must say, for a food product inspired by

the countless hordes

wondering aimlessly about,

it surprisingly tastes

vibrant, but more so, exciting.

I failed to mention they

were out of regular tenders,

so I was forced to get the spicy tenders.

And my assumption,

I had an unopened can of

sweet beverage in my car

has proven wrong.

Help, help!

Here goes nothing.

Hmm it's,

wow.

That's, that's pretty good, that's,

hold on.

Okay.

That actually, that does have a,

that does actually have

a little bit of a kick to it.

Needs garlic.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hot a lot!

I've been reading about how

fast this virus is spreading,

and even about people

who are holding protests over the wearing

of personal protection equipment.

How many times do I have

to hammer this point home?

The virus is not a hoax

created by the government

to control the populace.

It is a real pathogen

with devastating effects.

Look here.

Have you seen this?

Do you believe the level of lunacy

that is going on out there right now?

Hug a wanderer?

These people have lost their minds.

I don't know.

Maybe this is nature's way

of weeding out the stupid.

It was saber tooth cats before,

and now we have the next virus.

Part of me just wants to

watch natural selection play out.

But another part of me, a

bigger part of me, wants a cure.

So come on, big pharma.

Hurry up with it already.

The world is waiting.

Oh, we've taken so much

blood out of this poor child.

Our entire research is based solely

on the serum's response to her.

She's the key.

We draw the amount we

need and not a drop more.

The answer is in there, somewhere.

Any updates regarding

the nasal labial folds

and the loosening

of the lateral supraorbital

skin and ptosis?

It's a unique morphology.

That's why she looks

different from the rest.

We think it's from the feedback

that we got when we

gave her the first injection.

We're still crunching the numbers.

She's the only human test subject

that has shown a positive

response to the serum.

Jansen and his team are

going in for another trial run.

Hmm.

Hey Britt.

No, that trick works only once.

They aren't that spicy.

Get a load of this guy.

He gets trapped in a European

mountain resort, escapes,

and is now trying to

find his way back here.

The American Embassy tells

me to go back to my hotel room

because there's nothing they can do.

I'm not doing that.

I'm gonna find a way home.

I love you, Cath.

And they've locked down all flights,

incoming and outgoing.

How's he gonna get back?

Well, if he's lucky, he won't.

Sure they're working on a

cure, or a vaccine, whatever.

Whether or not they come

up with one is beside the point.

The question is, what is the price

all of us are gonna have to pay for it?

For those wandering around

in their homes and on the street,

what is the price they'll

have to pay for the cure?

For us, the healthy, what is the price

we'll have to pay for the vaccine

so that we don't get infected?

Everything big brother does,

eventually the bill comes due.

Feeling blue with nary a clue?

Can't get excited while

you sit on your couch all day?

Don't throw in the towel just yet.

I need zinc.

I need my zinc,

Scoops and Mischief style.

We all need zinc.

Zany Zinc contains a large dose of zinc

that'll make you get off that

couch and salute the flag.

Don't go scarfing down a peck of oysters

or a bushel of asparagus.

Garlic cloves? PU.

No date for you tonight, mister.

It takes a teeny tablet once a day.

Don't let the size fool you.

It's got it where it counts.

This is it? I didn't feel a thing.

Did I say, it's easy to swallow?

I take one before turning on my laptop.

I take two when I'm feeling blue.

It's like blocking with a big stick.

That's so slick.

Klown Vitamins Zany Zinc,

available at all good

pharmaceutical stores nationwide.

This is medicinal wine.

Just uploaded the recipe

to the live chat.

There you go.

Okay, now you can source

most of these ingredients

at your local grocers, but

I've included a few

websites for you indoor keyboard warriors.

Now, I have to caution

some of you tenderfoots,

this is really strong medicine.

What type of wine do you recommend?

Okay, well, you're free to

use any wine that you'd like,

but of course I always infuse

my herbs in a bottle of

Soothsayer, courtesy of Desperada Winery.

Let's start off

with a very promising one

from Tabitha Musgraves.

Tabitha Musgraves, medicinal wine.

A glass of wine of your choosing.

To that we will add in the following,

a pinch of oregano,

a pinch of turmeric,

a dash of cayenne pepper.

Swirl and mix.

Now, one question we've

been getting a lot of lately,

is healing our brothers and sisters

who have supposedly

succumbed to the NIX virus.

But really I think they're

just looking for any excuse

to drink before breakfast.

Even Jesus showed us

he preferred wine to water

when he turned water into wine.

Paul does say, "Drink no longer water,

but use a little wine

for thy stomach's sake

and thine often infirmities."

If you're one of our

regular fans and tried it,

we invite you to comment below

on what you thought of this remedy.

Well, I am sure

the more you drink, the better it tastes.

Oh, I'm sure it's k*lling

something inside of me.

Definitely tastes like an Eastern remedy.

So we invite you to sit back and enjoy

the added nourishing and tonic benefits

while getting protection

from the supposed virus.

And stay tuned for further episodes

as we explore other tonics

from our collective mind

to heal and promote interconnection

with our brothers and sisters.

Fellow warriors, these

are challenging times.

We can't train together like we used to.

And now we train like true ninjas,

alone.

Introducing my online Ninja Academy.

Train online and at your own pace.

Don't let the pandemic stop you

from becoming a true ninja warrior.

I've seen the virus consuming us all.

Behold Griselda the Necromancer.

Witness her grand plan to

solve this blight upon the land.

We intend to cast a

spell when the time is right.

A spell so powerful,

it'll bring on the legions of the undead.

It'll bring them under our control

and they will obey our commands.

It will be the end of the apocalypse.

And, we will provide the survivors

with a workforce

that will be incredibly large

and incredibly obedient.

Let it be known that the Necromancer

can indeed solve this

country's labor shortage.

What was that?

Today I want to talk to you

about Tabitha Musgraves.

Now, Tabitha is a social

media influencer, that's fine.

She has the right to sell

things on her channel,

but there is absolutely

no evidence whatsoever

that her medicinal wine has any effect,

except to perhaps

throw off your equilibrium.

There's a pandemic going

around, that much we know,

but it's a small town.

We got more cows than people.

We get truckers stopping

for a meal at Nancy's,

and that's about it for visitors.

Mostly, peace and quiet,

just the way we like it.

What are you still standing there for?

You done chopping the firewood?

Churn the butter?

Just why don't you go clean out the pigsty?

I just showed it to you last week.

And what did I tell you about posture?

My second cousin,

takes a trip to the big city,

comes back looking like that.

Lord have mercy.

Dad, I know what time

it is there and you look it.

- Hello, Dr. Bellows.

- Caught your interview.

- All of it?

- Just the highlights.

It didn't seem to

have the effect I wanted.

People are stubborn.

How are your brothers doing? Any word?

- Just call them.

- No, I don't want to do that.

I don't wanna bother them,

because they're out there in the field

serving their country.

I heard from David last week.

He's setting up mobile hospitals in Uganda,

and Tony, well, he's doing

secret stuff like always.

Well, how's the Little Creek

Children's Hospital doing?

It's a regular hospital now, dad.

Erin, is there anything I can do for you?

I can make calls.

We're doing fine.

The town's volunteering.

I wish I had some

encouraging words for you.

There's no need.

You just keep doing what we do.

David, Tony, me, you taught us that.

Hey, if they happen

to call or they text you,

you tell your brothers that.

- I will.

- And you too.

Hey.

- What?

- Someone's in front

of the house.

Quit it, Britt.

I'm too lazy to get scared.

I'm serious.

sh*t.

Is the door the locked?

I don't know.

All lines are busy. Please try again.

Why am I not surprised?

- Crap.

- What?

We're sitting ducks in our own home.

I have to pee so bad.

What's going on? How's it going over there?

Your in administration. Got it.

Come on. Is this going to work?

Come on, Jansen.

Fortune favors the bold.

Do you always crack

a wise-a*s remark when we do this?

Yes, yes I do.

What's going on?

Massive allergic reaction.

That's an understatement.

All right guys, let's clean this up.

We need more help.

And this is yet another challenge,

and a reminder of just how

volatile mother nature truly is.

Now this, this, this virus

is a zoonotic pathogen.

It it hops from an animal species,

most probably a farm

animal, bred for consumption,

into a human host

where it restructures its code

in order to optimize spread among humans.

Now, I have said this countless times.

We are not designed to

feast upon the flesh of animals.

Nature's giving us a

righteous dressing down.

Speaking of, I have got

a vegan dressing recipe

that'll make horse hay taste

like manna from heaven.

Psst.

Before Scoops and Mischief figure it out,

here's the deal I'm gonna

make for you good folks.

Fancy some D, get some zinc free,

or the other way around.

Whatever works.

Take them at the same time,

and show the virus who's the boss.

But don't tell Scoops and Mischief

'cause they'll challenge

you to a dance off,

and you know clowns can get down.

Klown Vitamins Big D, Zany Zinc,

available at all good

pharmaceutical stores nationwide.

Hm.

The Chinese national archeological team,

along with select researchers

from all over the world,

gathered around the ancient sarcophagus

while a single worker

pried it open with a crowbar?

Researchers from all over the world

returning to their respective countries

carrying the NIX virus.

There you have it, ancient virus.

Not a peep from the mainstream media.

The CDC still debunks

the ancient virus theory.

What are they hiding?

What was buried with that mummy

in that sarcophagus 4,000 years ago?

Was it a prison for the virus,

just waiting for us to

unwittingly unleash it on the world

4,000 years later?

Now, the truth is in the shadows,

and I have the flashlight.

I've warned you about

it for years and years.

They take regular harmless little virus

and turn it into some unstoppable

freak of bloody nature, mate.

Then use it to scare the population.

Well, you gotta snap out of that people.

Time to wake up.

Try to keep up.

It's population control.

That's how they get to do

whatever the hell they want.

That's how they pass the

laws, no questions asked.

Well, I'm telling you lot,

some of us don't frighten so easily, eh?

We're bloody ready, mate.

We've always been bloody well ready.

Well, I like this one.

What do you think, Marn?

Sure.

Sorry, this baby's spoken for.

Oh, okay. What about the one before?

This one?

Yeah, yeah, we'll take that one.

Sold her about two weeks

ago to a girl from Ohio.

Listen, all of our g*ns

are pretty much sold out.

I mean, we're on a back

order for like three months now.

What?

Well, why didn't you start with that?

Well, I didn't know you

wanted a g*n right now.

Well, that's the point, isn't it?

All the g*n stores are

out of g*ns and a*mo.

Is that a surprise to

anyone with what's going on?

You wanna get things done right and proper,

then you're gonna have to wait.

Great.

That's just great.

It's karma.

When you want one,

there's none to be found.

Oh, hey girls, girls.

You wanna get things

done right, the official way?

You gotta wait in like the

rest of the schmucks out there.

But if you got a little, you

know, a little rebel in you,

I got something for you.

We got a little.

Well.

Tease overboard, what do you got?

I know a guy. You gals got cash?

Hmm.

Oh, yeah you gals got cash.

All right, I'll make the call.

The numbers of infected are skyrocketing.

The hospitals are overflowing.

The collapse of society is imminent.

Very soon, civilization as we know it,

will come to a crashing end.

What are you gonna do about it?

Can't be too safe these days.

I was resigned to spending

what little time I have left

locked up in my lab.

And miss a lovely day like today?

Yeah, I can use the fresh air.

Hey Professor, how are the kids doing?

Out there saving the world.

Well, that's what you

get for raising them right.

Yeah, now's the best

time to live it up a little.

Only at the end.

Professor, are you talking

to anyone around the world?

Iran,

Iraq,

Korea?

We're trying.

We've opened up all encrypted channels

to every research

center all over the world,

hostile and friendlies.

This isn't what we're facing.

It isn't driven by ambition or resources,

it's just instinct.

Somewhere along the

way, one of us took a detour.

Yeah, we took that detour at Berkeley,

if I recall correctly.

Exactly, and here we

are, we're back again.

Professor, can you at least

give me some good news?

Optimistically, 0.1%.

0.1%?

I'll take it.

Take that.

Thanks.

I can't see a thing.

Yeah, your glasses are gonna

fog up if you wear your mask.

It's still the law, Marn.

Hey, you're following

that part of the law

on your way to buy a g*n against the law.

Okay, fine.

This is a really

ridiculous place to meet up.

No, it makes sense.

Far away from the city,

no cops, no curfew laws.

No witnesses.

Stan's a good man.

I can't believe you trust that wise guy.

Someone's here.

Stan sent us, said you could help.

- You weren't followed?

- No one knows we're here.

Yeah, we don't even know where here is.

Cool.

Hey, I know you.

Yeah, you're that anarchist nut job.

Yeah, it's me.

Shouldn't you be in an

underground bunker somewhere?

No, I live in an apartment

a couple miles from here.

I guess people will believe anything

on the internet these days.

Sure, the character's embellished,

but I believe everything I said.

The world is going to sh*t.

So what's your flavor?

A Ruger LCP or nine mil

single stack, whichever works.

And a couple boxes of

a*mo, and we can pay cash.

What? That's it.

We're not aiming to start a revolution.

It's just personal self defense.

Yeah, can we hurry

it up a little bit, please?

Relax, there's nothing around for miles.

- These are recent?

- Hot off the presses.

Take a look at this.

What the hell?

I'll get Jansen in on this.

This place closed down in the 80s.

No one comes out here.

No one?

The usual riff-raff,

society's undesirables.

The city dumped the first batch

of homeless people out here.

People,

humans,

thrown out like yesterday's newspaper.

Get outta here!

What's going on?

Hey wait, your bag.

Britt, we have to go, we have to go.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

All right, we prepared for this.

It's by the book until

this pandemic is over,

Miss Dawson has her three grocery outlets

centralized online,

ready to take orders from our elderly.

We have a small platoon of volunteers

to deliver groceries to them.

Pardon the military lingo,

this is all quite exciting.

Dan, over at the computer store

will make sure everybody's internet

is humming along just fine.

So Garth and his family

have officially donated

a ton of PPE supplies,

and they'll be available at

every business downtown.

Okay, we're at T-minus zero

and everything seems to be going as smooth

as a slip and slide.

How's your father doing?

Yeah, he's getting better.

So, I'm gonna do another

stress test on Dan's internet.

You know where to reach me.

My phones, emails, and message feeds

are open to anyone at all times.

Until then, I'll be in the

zone racking up my k*ll streak.

Reminds me of a

girl I used to date in LA.

Oh, don't forget that Aunt Deborah's

gonna be calling later

on tonight, Pacific time.

Oh, understood.

And she's going to be calling

somewhere down from the Maldives,

but you'll figure it out.

I will, I will.

Okay, June bug, I love you.

You stay safe, okay?

I love you too, mom.

I'll talk to you later.

You be safe. Bye-bye.

Okay, now back to the game.

Hopefully some good donations today.

Oh, I'm doing, you know,

essential delivery services,

so you know, just the essential stuff

and honestly, I like it.

It's coming to me directly.

I don't have to leave the house.

I love it, it's great.

Oh, hey, thanks so much Al.

Thanks for the donation.

Yeah, I see a car or two

going by, you know, out there.

It's pretty much a ghost town.

Oh, I am doing great today, guys.

I am really doing great

today with this game

and yeah, it's pretty much

just total dead out there.

Like I was saying,

you just see one or two

people going by, but that's it.

Like nothing, I don't

mind it like that, honestly.

Oh yeah listen, my advice

is, I think it's gonna get better.

It can't be like this.

It's only gonna get better.

Man, I am absolutely on fire today.

I am doing so good.

But listen, my word of

advice to you guys is,

have your essentials delivered.

That's the safe thing to do.

Be safe, please.

Oh, Mayor! Mayor in the house.

Mayor, Ready Player Two?

It's no longer airborne.

What virus mutates into

a less transmissible form?

It's not isolated.

We're getting reports

from around the world.

It's happening across the board.

It's changing its tactics.

The best way I can

describe the taste is, earthy.

Very grounded.

It's like taking a walk in the forest

when the sun comes out

and the dew hits the trees

and the leaves and the grass.

Yes, very grounded

with a hint of sweetness at the back.

Let's take a quiet moment

to honor our fellow team members

who are valiantly fighting the virus.

May they get well soon.

CIA and our Turkish team picked this up

a few hours before it went viral.

Is that Sohrab?

That is him.

He went for the bald look after all.

Wait, you know the lead immunologist

for the Iranian government?

We did our residency

together at John Hopkins.

That man is brilliant.

I thought he was gonna go to work

for a Swiss bio tech company.

He loved skiing.

Damn, why didn't I think of him?

Do you think that the mullahs

would come out to play?

Sure, why don't I get the

president to call the ayatollah

and ask if he can do him a solid?

You're gonna wanna sit for this.

Iran clamped up.

Typical theocracy bullshit.

I'm sorry, Edward.

Your college buddy caught the NIX virus.

They have him quarantined in his lab.

What about his files, his research?

Got this from the

Iranian Ministry of Health,

all of Sepehri's files and then some.

Not everyone's gunning for the afterlife.

Cooler heads and rational minds.

I've also sent these

to Jansen and the team.

It's in English.

Seems like the good professor intended

to pass on the information

when the time was right.

Lucky for us, the Health Minister himself

happened to concur with that intention.

Okay, let's get back to work.

Any news?

Nothing.

Heard from Martin?

Nothing either.

What's in the bag?

Let's open it.

How about we just

stare at it a little while longer?

This meeting will be recorded,

so if anybody wants to watch it,

it'll be available on our

council YouTube page.

The hospital's filled to capacity,

and I would like to thank the many families

that open up their homes

and volunteer their time to

help take care of the patients.

I've contacted the federal

state government for assistance.

I've contacted them numerous times.

I have not had a response.

We will get through this.

Meanwhile, there's a drink special

at Rowdy Mike's and Lily's.

You heard right.

Buy one drink, get the next one free.

This is it.

Something's happening to the infected.

Yes.

Good God, they're attacking.

Jansen, what's happening?

Jansen? Jansen, get

your team out of there.

NIX mutated it's structure

to maximize the spread,

by transmission.

This is the next phase.

Oh God, no.

Edward, those labs are

right outside your door, Edward!

Environmental containment compromised.

California, just you and me

California

Good for you

What the hell is this?

Hey, you have permission

to be in the driveway like that?

I wanna see proper paperwork

or I'm gonna call the cops.

You hear me?

What's wrong with you people?

Get some sun, will ya?

What is wrong with them?

Hey, I will not be harassed.

I have every right to be in this driveway.

You hear me?

Oh no.

Grandma Oxford.

Stupid Cynthia, I'm gonna

call the cops, you hear me?

I'm calling the cops on

you wandering pucks.

All of you.

Oh my God.

Pooper.

No, no!

Get away from me!

The national has been

activated in several states

to address this new development.

Oh my God,

I can't believe this is happening.

What am I gonna do?

Pumpkin,

I just want to say that I love you so much.

Mom, what's going on?

Your dad.

Where's Billy?

Mom, call the cops.

I did, nobody's answering.

Mom.

This is a test, this is a test.

Mom?

Brittany,

I love you, I love you so much.

Mom?

Mom,

mom.

Cath?

Cath?

Matty?

Matty.

I mean, come on, Rob.

You really believe that?

I think we'll have this all wrapped up

by the end of the year,

just in time for Christmas.

You've always been

the eternal optimist, Rob.

I'm the optimistic realist.

There's nothing wrong with a bit of levity.

- It keeps the mood up.

- That's right.

It's better with a smile than a frown.

Smile or frown,

we want everything back to normal,

if normal was ever a thing.

We don't even have a baseline.

We've always adapted.

Companies are making bank with masks,

gloves, and cleaning supplies.

Face masks with a sequin is a thing.

They've repurposed

abandoned malls and in facilities

to hold post-infection patients for a fee,

and business is booming.

Capitalism.

Yes, they have pandemic-themed fast foods,

zombie zingers, chicken

tenders with special sauce.

That's nationwide, selling like hotcakes.

I'm more of a seafood guy.

If a pandemic with hundreds of thousands

of people wandering

around in a catatonic state

doesn't cause a nationwide

alarm, then what would?

We've taken a national

disaster and adapted to it.

We're not sitting this out.

This is part of the game.

What's next?

If all these wandering and infected

were to suddenly turn against us,

would that be a new normal?

Would we adapt?

Would that be someone's

idea of an intended outcome?

I tell you what, I'd be

down for a couple of days.

Nah, a couple of hours,

but I'd take a long look out the window

and figure it out what my listeners want

and make adjustments to my sponsors.

This reminds me of a picture I once saw.

It was taken in the border

city of Nuevo Laredo

under the Collazio Bridge.

An outdoor street vendor was

setting up shop for the night

as he prepared his food over a hot stove.

And right next to him,

just above the bridge,

hung nine bodies of rival cartel members.

When asked about the

bodies, the vendor replied,

he saw those bodies

right before setting up shop,

but he knew that in a few hours,

the night shift from the

nearby factory was gonna end,

and the bulk of his daily earnings

were gonna come from that crowd.

Those bodies weren't stopping

him from earning his keep.

The man's got bills to pay, kids to feed.

And that's his new normal.

Even if it's good night, Irene,

someone's gonna figure out a way

to keep that wheel spinning.

Man, you're such a downer.

But on a completely different topic,

let's talk about permanent clown makeup.

It's the hottest fad right now,

and it's sweeping the

country, just like the virus.

This is Rob Peterson,

and I'll be right back

after a word from our sponsor, Red Lobster.

Fresh fish, live lobster,

and all the Cheddar Bay

biscuits you can handle.

Love is in the water

You are in the water

Cleaning is in my head

California is on TV

California is you and me

California is meant to be

California

Sun is on my shoulders

Moonbeams are everywhere

California is on TV

California is you and me

California is meant to be

California

It's fun, then you know

Fun, then you know

Fun, then in love

Fun, then you know

California is on TV

California is you and me

California is meant to be

California

Fun, then you know

Fun, then you know

Fun, then in love

Fun, then in love