02x01 - Hold My Finger

[bunniefuu]

[quirky playful music]

Are you sure you
don't want a coffee?

Aw, I do, but I'm
switching to herbal tea.

I'm trying this new thing:

no caffeine,
no sugar, no dairy,

no wine, no cheese, no joy.

But all it's really doing is
just making me kinda...

Constipated?
- Yeah!

Julie, toilet clogged
this morning.

God I wish I could
clog a toilet.

I'm so sorry, this cannot
be about you right now.

My daughter flushed a
rolled up pad, okay?

I plunged it.

Stuff came out,
but it was all bloody.

Um, Kris-

You're not listening to me.

Saffron is hiding
her period from me.

I have failed as a mother.

[Jamila].
I got mine at school.

They're right behind me.
- Yeah.

[Jamila].
Sister Rita told me that
God was punishing me.

I flipped all up
and down my Bible

and still couldn't find it.

When I got my period, I was
at my grandmother's house.

She told me not to
stand near the fridge

'cause I would
curdle the milk.

My mother never
talked to me about it,

so my only reference
was Carrie the movie,

which is a weird thing to
watch when you're eight.

Got mine at field hockey.

Cost us the championship game

and a date with
Manny McDonald.

I just, I don't want it to
be that way for Saffron.

I just, I have
to celebrate it.

You know, I don't
wanna wrap it up

in some sort of
shame burrito.

Hey, what's up?

You having a little
gossiping sesh?

What am I missing?
What's up?

Nothing.
- Field hockey.

Nothing.
- I can't poop.

Like burritos.

Well, it doesn't sound like
you're talking about work.

Well, it's nothing that
I would call HR about, so.

[Robyn].
Yeah, that seminar was brutal.

Yeah, uh, we're just,
uh, researching, Evan.

[Kris].
It's private.

It's private research.

Bye.

[quirky playful music]

Oh, I have, yeah?
I have to...

Oh my God, this milk curdled.

Did my hot flash do this?

Mmmhmm.

Maybe.

♪ I feel it, I feel it ♪

♪ I feel it, I feel it all ♪

♪ I feel it, I feel it all ♪

Okay, let's take
it from the top.

Dear Saffron,

you had your period

and I wish you were able
to tell me about it.

Hmm. "Dear Saffron"
sounds a little formal.

Okay, you are not
you right now, okay?

You're Saffron. Go again.

Hey, I got it. Hi Mom. Hi
Saffron.

You started your period and
you didn't tell me about it.

And I thought we were close,
like the Gilmore girls

or Mary and Jesus,
but in reverse,

like I would die for you.

Oh, I, I'm, I'm giving
you gold over here.

Absolute gold.

And you
aren't reacting.

I'm sorry. I'm just
so miserable.

I'm trying
to use diet

to control my
hot flashes,

but it's not
doing anything.

And my anxiety is
through the roof,

possibly because the
only thing I can eat

is flax seeds.

I am not a budgie.

Yeah, budgie's
a useless bird.

And also,

something's going
on with Pete.

What?

Well, normally
in the morning

he gives me a kiss
before he goes to work,

and then I get a text later
to say that he loves me.

This morning?
No kiss. No text.

I am emotionally and
physically constipated.

Okay, we gotta get you moving.

We can do Miralax, Metamucil,
a glycerin stick.

For my?

Yeah, the glycerin stick goes...

[Kris whistling]

You put that right up there,
everything's coming out

no problem.
- Whoa.

Yeah, it's gonna
get you moving.

Are we doing this or not?
- Yes.

Okay. Because the sooner
we solve your problems,

the sooner that we're
gonna solve mine,

let's go, let's move.
- Okay. All right.

You know what? I am
just gonna take it all

and I'm gonna go out

in a blaze of glory
one way or another.

Okay, the
glycerin sticks,

they are the winner.

Although,
you know what?

They have not
stopped my bloating.

Period or no period,

I cannot get rid of
this little guy.

You just can't win
with periods, you know.

You're a kid and you
want your period

and you get it and you
think it's gonna be great,

and then it actually sucks.

And then menopause hits
and you period goes away.

Which would be the
greatest of all time,

except that your
value in society

also seems to go away,

which is deeply unfair.

You know, I have been riding
this white pony for 36 years

and I am so f*cking tired of
thinking about my period.

You gotta put
that on a mug.

It'll be, it'll
be a large mug.

Julia, look at this.

"Congrats Graduate", on what?

Oh, let me tell you,
your period.

I'll put that right
there for Saffron.

Do kids like cards?

Mine will.

[gasps] Oh no, this is the one,
this is the one. Look it.

Happy first what? Period!

You know your kid best.

You know what pairs well
with a period card?

A bear, a stuffed bear.

Oh no. A little one. We're
gonna get a large one. Yes.

How about this one?
Also chocolates. Large box.

It's back there.

[uptempo music]

Hey, Chelsey and I wanna do
a double episode this week.

You cool with that?

No, we don't have the budget.

Oh, Robyn, I need your
help with something.

And it's really personal.

Evan, I'm not willing to
look at any red marks

or flaking on
your body again.

Please. My skin is flawless.

This is, um, about
something else.

You have a lot of friends in
the office and I wondered...

You know what?

How about we go downstairs
and we get a coffee

and talk about it?
- No, I'm good.

Why doesn't anyone want
to hang out with me?

You're the boss.

Yeah, but you know,
you see me as a,

as a friend.

We all used to chat.

No. I see you as a boss.

Well, how do I get people
to see me as a, as a friend?

Maybe you could start
by being nicer to people?

[chuckles] Okay, let's
put a pin in that.

Oh, uh, at my old job,

we used to go to this dive bar
down the street after work.

You know, we'd have
beers and buffalo wings

and blooming onions.

We'd do karaoke every
once in a while.

We could do something
like that here.

Except a lot more sophisticated
than what you just said.

Ouch.

[Evan].
A wine and cheese.

Artisanal cheddars
from Quebec,

a Malbec from the
Mendoza region.

Well, it seems like you got
everything taken care of.

Can I go now?
- No. No, you can't go. Hey.

'Cause we're gonna do
this together, right?

Okay. But I want
the double episode.

Oh, okay. Negotiation.
I like it.

All right, I'll
handle food and bev

and then you can handle
everything else.

Deal.

And the theme...

the theme is going to be...

[in unison] Farmhouse Chic.

[in unison] Shut up! What?!

[quirky playful music]

Could you do you have
a, do you have a pen?

I know what I wanna
say on Saffron's card.

Mmhmm. Yep. Right in here.

Look at you. Respect.

Oh my God, these all
your condoms, Julie?

Wow.

Oh my God!

Oh my God-

They must be Pete's!

It explains everything.

He, he's been distant.

He doesn't wanna have sex.

I didn't get my
kiss this morning.

He's having an affair!

Oh, stop it.

Don't jump to conclusions.

I got zero texts
from him today!

He's 100% cheating on you.
- [groans] Oh.

What are you gonna do?

What are we gonna do?
It's fine. Take a breath.

Hold my hand.
We are going to...

I know, we are gonna
track him down.

I track Pete how?

Well, I have a teenage daughter
and ex-husband who cheated.

I am a pro.
Gimme your phone.

Oh. Oh my God.

Oh, look, look, there he is.

West end, at the gym.

Shouldn't be at
the gym right now.

Wow. You are good.

[upbeat music]

Okay, look, try
and blend in, okay?

I'm wearing a blazer.

Do your best.

[gasps] There he is. Hide!
- Okay.

Oh, hello. I am, I'm Kris.

Nice to meet you.

Oh my God, Julie,
is that, is that him?

Yeah, tall guy with
a water bottle.

Ooh, we Ms. Paul girl. Nice.
Paul.

I knew he was getting fit,

but why wouldn't he tell me
he was going to the gym?

Yeah, you know what?
Secrets suck.

[whispers] Are you going?

Hey listen, you find
me on Instagram.

It's Kris with a K.

What am I doing?

I'm planking in
business casual.

This is actually insane.

I am insane right now.

He's not having an affair,

he's just working out.

We gotta get outta here.
This is ridiculous.

Yeah, let's go,
let's move, let's move.

Oh, you just,
you just walked out?

We are walking out.

[quirky upbeat music]

Oh no.

Saffron's staying
at her dad's tonight.

That means I'm not
gonna see her.

Julie?

Julie, we have to go to
her school immediately

and drop off
these period gifts.

Saffron deserves
to be celebrated!

Wait, wait. No, no,
no, no, no, no.

I feel like we've made a lot
of hasty decisions today.

I think maybe we
should just [inhales]

take a breath and
celebrate the moment.

No! No.

No, I was there for
when she crawled,

when she walked,
when she talked.

I will definitely
be there for this!

Let's go!
- Okay.

Yeah.
- Alright.

[upbeat alt-rock music]

Status report.

Are we on track for 5:00 PM?

Absolutely. I just gotta
finish these here.

And I was thinking we
could get everyone

little cowboy hats
and bandanas?

NO! Just farmhouse chic
is farmhouse chic, okay?

It has nothing to
do with cowboys!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa there fella.

What do you got
against cowboys?

Are you really asking or
are you just being polite?

I wanna know.
Pop a squat.

In grade seven I had a huge
crush on Daniel Forester.

He invited me to
his birthday party,

which I was told
was cowboy themed.

So I show up in my hat and
my boots and my chaps,

with jeans on
underneath of course.

Only to realize that
no one else dressed up.

Those assholes.

Hey, kids are the worst.

When I was in high school,

I was a horse girl

until I got mean girled into
a decade long grunge phase.

I think if you put
that cowboy hat on,

it might feel empowering.

Those jerks stole
my inner cowboy.

And I'm going to get him back.

That's the spirit, bucko.

And for a hundred dollars I
can get a miniature pony.

No, no livestock
in the office.

Come on. They're clean.
His name's Papaya, please.

[Kris].
Oh my gosh, hurry.
Saffron's going to school.

We're gonna miss her.

Oh my God, I'm going
as fast as I can.

The Milk of Magnesia's
doing its work.

Listen, get your phone out

because I want you to snap a
pic of this core memory, okay?

Okay, okay, are we sure
this is the core memory

we wanna give Saffron?

Yeah, one hundred percent.
Help me look for her.

Okay, what am I looking for?

That.

["What Does It Take"
by Honeymoon Suite]

[in slo-mo voice] Saffron.

♪ If I could grow wings

♪ I would do anything ♪

[in slo-mo voice]
SAAAAFFFRRROONN!!

[in slo-mo voice] NOOOOOO!!

Is that your mom?

Um...

Periods are great and
meant to be celebrated.

Yay!

Do your friends have their,
do you guys have your period?

'Cause there's enough
chocolate here for every...

Okay.

Core memory? No.

Do you want?
- No, no. I think we're done.

I think we're done.

Nice to meet you.

They're scary.

Yeehaw! And welcome
to Robyn's Saloon.

[neighing]

Grab a hat and a bandana.

I didn't know we were
dressing up for this.

I don't do hats.

You know, they
do come in handy.

You never know
when a stray hair

could tie you to
a crime scene.

Are you sure you guys
don't wanna hat or bandana?

[Chelsey].
Robyn, you look really dumb.

Did Evan force
you to do this?

It's not okay.

He's even more annoying
since becoming the boss.

Totally, yeah.

He, he pulled me
into his office

and he shook me and he said,

"We're doing this
thing together."

Do you wanna write him up?

Because nobody can force you
to dress like a cow person

against your will,
not even your boss.

No, no, no, no, I'll just, um,
I'll just get rid of this.

False alarm.

Just another thing I
was wrong about today.

First Pete, now poop.

I really got it
wrong too today.

The unshaming of
Saffron's period

was the biggest
shaming of her life.

Well, she is only 13.

I mean, it might be
too soon to call that.

And you know, listen,

first periods are
usually kind of terrible.

That's just it.
I don't want Saffron

to think that getting
her period is terrible.

Although mine currently is.

You have your period again?

I haven't stopped.

I'm like a shell of a woman.

Not only that, Julie, it's
like I'm anxious, I'm bloated.

I don't know how,

but I've managed to wear out

three of these
lipstick vibrators.

Respect.
- Thank you very much.

Also, I'm losing my hair.

I can't sleep.

Oh my God.

You know what?
- What?

Some of these symptoms sound
a little familiar to me.

Like from the before time.

Like, like before
I had the big M.

No, thank you.
I am only 44, honey.

Okay. But I've done a
lot of research and-

No.

I think you might possibly
be in perimenopause.

♪ No! ♪

Oh my God, I want some
wine and some cheese.

I want all of the cheese.

I will not have
any in solidarity.

[Evan imitating horse trotting]

Well, hey there cowboys!

Where are all the cowboys?

[soft country music]

♪

No one dressed up?

Are you kidding
me right now?

Are you trying to
retraumatize me?

[quietly] I'm sorry.
I'll put the hat on.

You don't have to do that.

Okay.

What is happening?

For the first time
ever I have no idea.

What is it gonna take
to get you losers

to see me as a friend? Huh?

I try to do something nice and
fun for you little idiots,

and I can tell by the looks
of all of your stupid faces

that none of you
wanna be here! Ooh!

Huh, so it changed.

What's the problem, huh?

You're having the time of
your lives this mornin'

Hanging out, being all buddies.

Yeah, what's the difference
between now and then, right?

Hey, don't move!

Nobody f*ck' move!

Nobody gets to leave
until one by one

I hear why you don't like me.

Well, legally you
can't keep us here-

Julie.
- Okay.

[Evan].
You first.

You took my job.

Okay. You.

You reported me to HR.

What? I didn't report you to HR.

You didn't report?

Okay, who reported me to HR?

That's confidential.

Office policy
states that no one-

No!

[Mo] We can't disclose that.
- No!

Okay.

Who reported me to HR?

I did.

You were kinda outta control.

You were hugging everyone
and doing trust falls

and there was a stingray tank.
I didn't know what to do.

You reported me to Mo?

Yeah.

I don't, I don't understand.

I just thought that
you were my friend.

We are friends.

I mean, this was before,
you know?

When were we not friends?

Well, you, you kind of
did get assigned to me.

[sighs] That's not
exactly what I mean.

I just, I, uh, we're just
very different people

and you have a lot of quirks
that I, I now see as assets.

Okay, uh, that's not
exactly it either.

What? Ah, what I'm trying
to say is just that like,

you're an acquired taste
that I have acquired.

You know what taste I
have acquired, Julie?

[playful music]

Cheese. Mmm.

My oh my.

I certainly love a big
stick of cheese, don't you?

Doesn't that smell good?

Mmm mmm mmm mmm.

[Robyn].
Oh, the whole thing.

She's doing it.

Mmm mmm mmm.

[garbled] You want some, Julie?
Hmm? You want a piece?

Here you go.
You want a little bit?

Oh no, that's right,
you can't.

'Cause you're in
menopause, right?

[sighs] Let's stop.
- No, I won't stop.

I think I'm gonna enjoy

something else you
can't have, huh?

You like that? Look at this.

You want some?
I think I'll have it.

Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
mmm mmm mmm mmm.

Mmm!

How you like that, Julie?

Are you okay?

Don't touch me.

Okay. Kris, you cannot
bleed for a month

and keep acting
like it's normal.

[softly] I'm doing
the best I can.

[Mo].
Uh, Kris, wait up.

I'll drive ya.

It's apple juice.

Oh.
- Yeah.

drive you home.

Mo, just leave me alone.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Hey, I'm sorry that I blamed
you for the HR meeting.

I'm still really pissed off
you didn't tell me the truth.

Oh I couldn't.

Why do you have to be
so good at your job?

Mo, you have cloth seats.

Uh, you know what?
It's fine.

Look, I'm, I'm gonna,
I have this and I'm just,

I'll just sit on this
just like, what?

Oh no, it's fine.
It's fine. Uh... bleed away.

Really?
- Yeah.

Thanks, Mo.
- Yeah.

Mmm.

I found these in the
glove compartment.

Are they yours?

I'm not mad.
I just need to know.

But I, I do reserve the right
to be angry once you've told me.

So are, are they yours?

[Pete laughing]

What are you laughing at?
Okay, now I am mad!

Julie, why would I

buy the cheapest, unlubricated,
fruit-scented condoms? [laughs]

Oliver's been
driving your car.

Oh! Oh.

Okay. Okay. We gotta
be cool about this, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, obviously.

Oliver. Hey, Oliver? Ol-

Ahem. Oliver!

Way to go, buddy.

[makes lip pop] Yeah.
[Pete chuckling]

I think what your dad's
trying to say is, uh,

good job on being,
uh, responsible

and more importantly,
respectful.

Thanks?

And Oliver, um, you know,

I'd like to give you
a little advice.

Some things are worth
spending money on.

Mom!

Julie.

Saffron, I hope I
didn't embarrass you

in front of your friends,

I mean, coven, it's a coven.

But looking back I
actually see that I did.

And I'm so sorry.

Listen, I want you to
know that I look forward

to unpacking your emotions
around your period.

And just the two of us.

And, and Mom won't
do that again,

but I'm thinking this time
it would just be like a cake,

but like a little cake.

And, and have some
sprinkles on it.

I'm sorry.

I'm done.

Thank you for your
moral support.

I know that you couldn't hear
me 'cause I had to be private

'cause Saffron doesn't
like it when I do things

in front of people.

Yeah. Well I'm happy that
I could be here for ya.

Thanks.

I'll walk you to your door?

Yeah. No.

What?

I don't think
it's a good idea.

Okay.
-Okay.

Thank you.
- Yep.

[phone vibrating]

See ya.
- Okay.

Okay. Thanks. Thank you.
- Bye.

Welcsies.

[Mo sighing]

[Julie sighing]

She's still mad at me.

Mm. You coming to bed?

I'll be there in a few.

Hey, g*n show.

You've been going
to the gym lately?

I wish.

Garbage must be
getting heavier.

Love you.

The garbage is
getting heavier?

[Julie sighing]

♪ Well I feel
like an old hobo

♪ I'm sad lonesome and blue

♪ I was fair as
the summer day

♪ Now the summer
days are through

♪ You pass through places

♪ And places pass through you

♪ But you carry 'em with you

♪ On the soles of your
travellin' shoes ♪

Hmm.

♪

♪ Well I love you so dearly
I love you so clearly

♪ I wake you up in
the mornin' so early

♪ Just to tell you I got
the wanderin' blues

♪ I got the wanderin' blues ♪